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On July 13 2010 14:49 Jumperer wrote:Show nested quote +On July 13 2010 14:44 OneOther wrote: Jumperer, it would be indeed nice if these "professionals at his college" could do everything you listed and solve all the problems. Is it actually realistic? I am not sure. It seems pretty idealistic and naive. I am not going to act like I know what I am talking about because I'm completely clueless when it comes to things like this, but who are these college professionals that do this?
Also, how do you expect people to take you seriously when you are making immature StarCraft jokes/metaphors in every post? Is it supposed to be funny? alright, I apologize for all the SC metaphors I made earlier and I will stop making them. I'm somewhat semi drunk. OneOther, every decent college has psychologists on campus to deal with all sort of psychological problem from sexual abuse to child abuse to a random life problem.
Well assuming you desire to sober up soon and will stop posting like a jack ass, then I'll entertain your latest post.
Here's why I'm dubious of your advice working.
1) It relies upon testimony that the OP had shown isn't freely given from his family. Unless, the mother and sister shows adamant resistance to the current way things are being handled, how'd you expect this? 2) It causes friction to a situation that doesn't need anymore of it. On top of that, traditional Asian Americans families have always been very family oriented. It's expected among most traditional Asian American families that when things get tough, you can at least turn to your family. As abusive as the system seems, there's still a warped togetherness because they still recognize that they make sacrifices to each other. If you pick them apart, do you really propose, you'd mend them together any more ably? 3) There's a few more but it's 2am and frankly I think the OP has a good head on his shoulders and knows what to do so at this point it's almost just arguing semantics which I'm not here for.
^Agreed Orome, and likely most of what I said wasn't exactly completed clauses or lost in text-translation arguments but it's mostly pointless now so good night =).
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On July 13 2010 14:46 koreasilver wrote:Show nested quote +On July 13 2010 14:40 Orome wrote:On July 13 2010 14:23 koreasilver wrote:On July 13 2010 14:09 Orome wrote:On July 13 2010 13:45 koreasilver wrote:On July 13 2010 13:29 Orome wrote:On July 13 2010 13:08 koreasilver wrote: It's obviously easy to see that it is wrong. But it is hard to understand exactly why it is like so and what can be done about it. In this way KissBlade is correct. Obviously it is wrong by all means, but there are just some things that cannot be approached in the same way. There are some very deep seated issues in contemporary Asian culture that must be fixed in its own way and fashion. It must be approached from its own angle, not some kind of absolute "right". The tendency for Westerners to do this is a plague in of itself, as they are too blindsighted by their own ethnocentrism. It is so for all cultures to a degree, but you must understand that there are some things that you will never fully understand as you have never experienced it first hand to truly understand the nuances of the culture that are ingrained into the most fundamental aspects of the individuals. This isn't about right or wrong in any way, it's about protecting a minor that's being physically and emotionally abused. You can argue about what the most appropriate course of action is, but to say that 'this is asian culture' and he and his sister have no choice but to tough it out isn't showing great understanding, it's fucking horrible. You're saying he should come to terms with his little sister being abused. (I actually regret suggesting that he go to the authorities, that was the typical reaction of an outsider who doesn't know any of the details and therefore can't suggest a more subtle solution. The OP alone can judge what the most appropriate course of action is, but it's out of the question that he has to do something.) I've told him to focus on himself and his sister. All my criticism comes from what you people are telling him to do about his mom and his dad, not his sister. If you've actually really read into my few posts in this thread then you would have known so, that you are completely misreading whatever I am writing, and that your accusations are baseless. You are making an argument constructed completely upon emotion without any actual experience or subtle understanding, and this is why your "advice" doesn't hold much value in this situation. There's a misunderstanding here, I wasn't accusing you of anything. The 'You' in 'You're saying he should come to terms with his little sister being abused' was supposed to be a neutral you, like 'One would be saying that...' Badly phrased, sorry about that. If anyone it was directed as KissBlade, but he's since made his position understandable as well. That I'm making an argument constructed on emotion is true, but it's not the downfall of it because my argument remains very general, based on very basic values. In essence, all I'm saying is: girl gets abused, girl getting abused is bad, he's the one who can help her ---> he has to do something about it! I would have hoped we could all agree on that. He obviously needs to do something about it, but it must be the structure itself that must be targeted, not what is built upon it. As to the when and how I'm not sure, as I don't know enough about his family. But it is inevitable that to solve the systematic issue he and his sister will have to topple what is built upon it, which will be their father. It must be a symbolical patricide and their mother will also be torn down if she herself refuses to face the fundamental wrong and fails to compose the courage to revolt. and what do you do in the meantime while you wait for the 'when'? You prepare whatever you must so that the when can ever be. The when isn't a pure chance. The when can exist only because you have prepared the stepping stones to the moment for the moment. He needs to prepare himself and his sister accordingly so that a moment can become the when and the how already preordained by the self - so that he may be able to act with a clear goal, a clear plan, and no hesitation.
Your tone reminds me a lot of a friend I had back in high school who was a firm believer in the communist revolution that would be coming to Switzerland. :p
I really think you've got your priorities wrong (as shown by your post about different kinds of power) and you're trying to construct an ideal scenario where a child might 'seize power' (another one of those communist phrases lol) instead of looking at it from the point of view of wanting to protect the children (and, if possible, reunite the family to an extent). But if we're going to get into this discussion, it's going to get complicated and I need to get up again in 3 hours. I say we call it quits.
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You wouldn't have posted if you didn't want help. And I don't mean help from us.
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I wish this attitude of 'just study hard and get the best grades to make your parents happy' would stop. It's debatable, but I'd consider IQ to be similar to height in that it follows a bell curve pattern. For every 'smart' person out there, there is going to be the equivalent 'dumb' person as well--we can't all be geniuses. I think this situation mirrors the whole "American dream" scenario, because not everyone can be at the top in a capitalistic society, but that illusion lives on and people die for it in vain.
This is what I think is part of the root problem in these types of blogs; that every parent (Asians in particular) want their children to be at the very top of the ladder in school. And it's not possible, for many reasons, namely that not everyone is born 'smart'. Some people can work extremely hard and make up for it, but even that in and of itself requires a bunch of different factors a person has to be born with to succeed in.
If people just realized this sad reality and worked to their strengths instead of this grand illusion (which may be their weakness), they'd be much more happy. But of course, you can't tell your Asian parents that you'd rather pursue music instead of something like science....
Not trying to berate Asians here, just stating this because it seems to be a popular theme in their culture and with similar blogs to the OP here on TL.
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You're going to school, I assume from the tuition...
See the school counselor. He can give better advice than us, I think.
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You don't have to take all these personally. Seriously. It doesn't seem like your mom loves your dad in any way, so why not push her into divorce. Take it to court with all the bad things he does by a voice recorder, video, whatever. There is no way your mom can lose you and your sister if everything goes accordingly. And if you're wondering about money, you don't even have to worry financially since there's something called child support in the US. They help TONS. I know some of my friends who have moms that don't have the best paying jobs, and they're okay. Heck you could use this to get TONS of financial assistance for you college also. You're saying your dad acts like he's all that in your household, but in reality he's legally wrong.
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On July 13 2010 15:06 Orome wrote:Show nested quote +On July 13 2010 14:46 koreasilver wrote:On July 13 2010 14:40 Orome wrote:On July 13 2010 14:23 koreasilver wrote:On July 13 2010 14:09 Orome wrote:On July 13 2010 13:45 koreasilver wrote:On July 13 2010 13:29 Orome wrote:On July 13 2010 13:08 koreasilver wrote: It's obviously easy to see that it is wrong. But it is hard to understand exactly why it is like so and what can be done about it. In this way KissBlade is correct. Obviously it is wrong by all means, but there are just some things that cannot be approached in the same way. There are some very deep seated issues in contemporary Asian culture that must be fixed in its own way and fashion. It must be approached from its own angle, not some kind of absolute "right". The tendency for Westerners to do this is a plague in of itself, as they are too blindsighted by their own ethnocentrism. It is so for all cultures to a degree, but you must understand that there are some things that you will never fully understand as you have never experienced it first hand to truly understand the nuances of the culture that are ingrained into the most fundamental aspects of the individuals. This isn't about right or wrong in any way, it's about protecting a minor that's being physically and emotionally abused. You can argue about what the most appropriate course of action is, but to say that 'this is asian culture' and he and his sister have no choice but to tough it out isn't showing great understanding, it's fucking horrible. You're saying he should come to terms with his little sister being abused. (I actually regret suggesting that he go to the authorities, that was the typical reaction of an outsider who doesn't know any of the details and therefore can't suggest a more subtle solution. The OP alone can judge what the most appropriate course of action is, but it's out of the question that he has to do something.) I've told him to focus on himself and his sister. All my criticism comes from what you people are telling him to do about his mom and his dad, not his sister. If you've actually really read into my few posts in this thread then you would have known so, that you are completely misreading whatever I am writing, and that your accusations are baseless. You are making an argument constructed completely upon emotion without any actual experience or subtle understanding, and this is why your "advice" doesn't hold much value in this situation. There's a misunderstanding here, I wasn't accusing you of anything. The 'You' in 'You're saying he should come to terms with his little sister being abused' was supposed to be a neutral you, like 'One would be saying that...' Badly phrased, sorry about that. If anyone it was directed as KissBlade, but he's since made his position understandable as well. That I'm making an argument constructed on emotion is true, but it's not the downfall of it because my argument remains very general, based on very basic values. In essence, all I'm saying is: girl gets abused, girl getting abused is bad, he's the one who can help her ---> he has to do something about it! I would have hoped we could all agree on that. He obviously needs to do something about it, but it must be the structure itself that must be targeted, not what is built upon it. As to the when and how I'm not sure, as I don't know enough about his family. But it is inevitable that to solve the systematic issue he and his sister will have to topple what is built upon it, which will be their father. It must be a symbolical patricide and their mother will also be torn down if she herself refuses to face the fundamental wrong and fails to compose the courage to revolt. and what do you do in the meantime while you wait for the 'when'? You prepare whatever you must so that the when can ever be. The when isn't a pure chance. The when can exist only because you have prepared the stepping stones to the moment for the moment. He needs to prepare himself and his sister accordingly so that a moment can become the when and the how already preordained by the self - so that he may be able to act with a clear goal, a clear plan, and no hesitation. Your tone reminds me a lot of a friend I had back in high school who was a firm believer in the communist revolution that would be coming to Switzerland. :p I really think you've got your priorities wrong (as shown by your post about different kinds of power) and you're trying to construct an ideal scenario where a child might 'seize power' (another one of those communist phrases lol) instead of looking at it from the point of view of wanting to protect the children (and, if possible, reunite the family to an extent). But if we're going to get into this discussion, it's going to get complicated and I need to get up again in 3 hours. I say we call it quits. I'm not arguing for the seizing of any power. You are misunderstanding me, and the particular communist accusation is simply just hilarious as I haven't been using Marxist themes at all. The power that I'm talking of is the personal strength and courage that an individual cultivates within himself so that he may act. I don't want him to seize power or establish another power. This is wrong. He would simply just be establishing another system that chokes life. I want him to be able to muster the personal courage to not seize, but to deconstruct the authoritarian patriarchy that persists in our cultural system.
I am interpreting the situation under the assumption that his father cannot be reconciled with, which is a common theme that I have experienced often all around me rather intimately. Regardless of how you shield anyone, they will never be fully saved until they themselves face the situation fully, of their own accord, and emerge from it without being defeated by it. If they don't face it and try to hide from it then the thoughts that have been pushed into the corners of the subconscious will poison them and turn them neurotic. So even if YPang and his sister are delivered from the grips of their father in some sort of fortune, if they neglect and do not face the issue that had plagued their family then it doesn't solve anything as they will continue to be subjected to the system that oppressed them. It will be within them and will survive through not only them but their children as well.
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First of all, I agree the insight into Asian culture is important. Any generic solution that doesnt have an understanding of motives/meanings of actions is probably going to do more harm than good.
That said, I dont agree with "That's just how it is, so just take it" attitude of some posts. At the end of the day, the OP feels there is a problem, and as an man has a responsibility to do 'something' about it(purposely being vague here), until he is convinced there is no longer one. Should not ignore your convictions.. that is universal to all cultures IMO. If not for his own sake, for the sake of those that cant defend themselves.
Sure there are things white americans do in similar cases, and things Asian Americans do, but ultimately the only thing that matters is his situation, and his response to it.
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haha the communist 'accusation' was in the tone, not the content.
It's interesting that I think you started off saying the people in this thread were too idealistic and in the end your solution seems the most idealistic of all (I don't mean that derogatively) in that it focuses on the means to come to a true solution, not a patchwork solution that lets everyone get by. but yeah, this is getting way too complicated for my tired brain and there's a good chance I'm misreading your argument. I really need to go sleep.
maybe later!
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The way I see it, you have 3 major options to consider.
1) Attempt to report your father's behavior. This could very well end up causing more problems than it solves, but it could improve the situation.
2) Leave the household, as you were thinking by joining the army or taking a job. However, you still have your little sister to worry about, and understand how truly important of a role you're going to serve in her life.
3) This is my opinion on how to handle everything, but remember this is just advice, you're not obligated by any means to follow it. My father used to behave very similarly to yours. I'll admit your father is much more restrictive and outbursts over incredibly trivial matters, but I experienced many of the same surges of anger your family contends with. I had the same kinds of thoughts you did about leaving and living on my own instead of dealing with my dad. But that's such an incredibly unforgiving decision to make. Leaving your family seems to be something you can't take back. And I'm going to add that in your situation, fighting your dad will do nothing for you. You know what your dad is doing is wrong. You have to - and I can't stress this enough - maintain a calm mind and be very very chill. You don't need to satisfy yourself by proving your dad wrong. Arguing with an authoritarian parent solves nothing. When he aggravates you, accept that what he's doing is wrong and just let him do it. You know why? Because in 6 years, you'll have your degree and you'll pay your dad back for college. And then you'll be free. You'll be free to never speak to your dad ever again if you want. He'll have NOTHING over you. When you compare yourself to other people in undeveloped countries, you're basically in paradise. Take what you have and make the most of it. Live out these next 6 years while remaining cool and collected about your father. He can't hurt you in any way if you don't accept what he does as having any value or meaning. As for your sister, you have to guide her in a direction that'll keep her mind safe from your dad. My older sister helped me deal with our dad immensely, and if you make a big effort to talk to your sister she'll have someone to talk to about all the struggles. Be there for her, let her know what she has to do. Teach her that she has to both accept your father's behavior while acknowledging what he's doing is wrong. Seriously, just talk to her about everything. When she feels closer to you than your father (not the most difficult feat I would imagine) how much influence you have on her attitude towards your father is almost magical. You can still save her from a life of turmoil.
That's my opinion on your situation mate. I hope that my advice helps in one way or another. But whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck and happiness for you and your family,
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Finally got me out from lurking and to make an account so I could respond to this.
Now this is opinion as is everything else stated in this thread. You know your situation better than any of us, Asian, Western or whatever. YOU need to do what YOU think is right in your situation. In my opinion, one of the problems here is that people assume that if he does something, whether that's contacting CPS, moving out and not coming home, going into the military, his life is ruined. Seriously, we all have an entire fucking life to live and so many of you are assuming him not finishing school by the age of 23 is the end of the world for him. You don't need your fathers income to do so. There are loans, military, even getting your own job to save, to get you through school. If someone wants to go to college badly enough in this country, they can. His father is not his only route, just the most conventional. Your parents came here to give you the opportunity to achieve whatever you want. To say he can't do it without his dad is frankly bullshit. Does that mean it will be as easy, no, but no amount of success is worth his or his sister's happiness. I've seen way too many people with 6 figure salaries who aren't happy whereas the people making 20,000 a year are enjoying life. Can money make it easier to be happy, yes, but it is not a prerequisite.
I think we can all agree that what your father is doing is wrong. Yes he may be under stress but at the end of the day, that doesn't make what he is doing right. We are all responsible for our own actions and to say his decision to raise his hand against your family was made for him because of stress is also bullshit. You know this and that's why you put up this post. White or Asian, it's just plain WRONG. I give you credit for your willpower to suffer through 19 years of this however, just because you can, doesn't mean your sister should. Think for a second. Maybe the reason this is more prevalent in Asian families is because it is allowed? Children who were abused are more likely to end up in abusive relationships later on in life. Odds are his mom suffered similar abuse growing up and look at her current situation. I doubt you want your sister to end up in a similar place 20 years down the road, or worse. Asian women between the ages of 15-24 have the highest suicide rate of ANY culture out there.
Either way, you know your dad better than anyone. If possible I would say try and sit down and talk with him. I mean truly talk with him. Let him know you are aware that his goal is for you to have the best life you can, but that his anger is not necessary to ensure that. I hate saying this, but the worst that could happen is he gets angry about that talk, which is common enough as is. If he is willing to talk about it good, if not then you can at least say you tried and go from there.
Talk to your sister, and I mean truly talk with her. Tell her how you have felt dealing with it throughout your life so she knows she isn't alone. Let her know that you have her back in this whole situation. Give her your phone number for when you are up at school and let her know that if she ever feels alone she can call you. Let her know that no matter what, you are there for her, and live up to that. Ask her what she wants to do. You made it through this, you need to do what she needs done to get her through it. If she ever gets seriously injured, in my opinion, you have no choice but to get an outside party involved.
Dude and I mean this, if you ever need to talk, you can PM me. I might not have the right advice, but at least I can listen and offer another point of view.
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Guys .. honestly his dad is on the more extreme side of asian-immigrant parenting, but contrary to popular belief being called trash and being forced to study hard and getting punished if you don't doesn't make you grow up to be a psycho. There's a difference between extreme-parenting with good intention and being an abusive parent. Asian parents will ultimately be satisfied once their kids are successful, they are only strict on the way there.
My mom was much the same way. When I was little, I always felt put-down, and was compared with other kids. My cousins and friends were occasionally beaten with coat hangers and had their ears pulled, and slapped when they were disobeying their parents or doing poorly in academics. But none of us grew up with problems. In fact, we're all very happy people on the way to success right now. And I no longer resent my mom and neither does she behave in a manner of angry tyrnanny.
I think its true when some of the asian posters in this blog/thread are saying western kids don't understand the situation.
Be careful with the situation and assess it carefully, don't let your dad go out of control, but honestly, there's no need for rash decisions right now ..
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+ Show Spoiler +On July 13 2010 19:29 gork84 wrote: Finally got me out from lurking and to make an account so I could respond to this.
Now this is opinion as is everything else stated in this thread. You know your situation better than any of us, Asian, Western or whatever. YOU need to do what YOU think is right in your situation. In my opinion, one of the problems here is that people assume that if he does something, whether that's contacting CPS, moving out and not coming home, going into the military, his life is ruined. Seriously, we all have an entire fucking life to live and so many of you are assuming him not finishing school by the age of 23 is the end of the world for him. You don't need your fathers income to do so. There are loans, military, even getting your own job to save, to get you through school. If someone wants to go to college badly enough in this country, they can. His father is not his only route, just the most conventional. Your parents came here to give you the opportunity to achieve whatever you want. To say he can't do it without his dad is frankly bullshit. Does that mean it will be as easy, no, but no amount of success is worth his or his sister's happiness. I've seen way too many people with 6 figure salaries who aren't happy whereas the people making 20,000 a year are enjoying life. Can money make it easier to be happy, yes, but it is not a prerequisite.
I think we can all agree that what your father is doing is wrong. Yes he may be under stress but at the end of the day, that doesn't make what he is doing right. We are all responsible for our own actions and to say his decision to raise his hand against your family was made for him because of stress is also bullshit. You know this and that's why you put up this post. White or Asian, it's just plain WRONG. I give you credit for your willpower to suffer through 19 years of this however, just because you can, doesn't mean your sister should. Think for a second. Maybe the reason this is more prevalent in Asian families is because it is allowed? Children who were abused are more likely to end up in abusive relationships later on in life. Odds are his mom suffered similar abuse growing up and look at her current situation. I doubt you want your sister to end up in a similar place 20 years down the road, or worse. Asian women between the ages of 15-24 have the highest suicide rate of ANY culture out there.
Either way, you know your dad better than anyone. If possible I would say try and sit down and talk with him. I mean truly talk with him. Let him know you are aware that his goal is for you to have the best life you can, but that his anger is not necessary to ensure that. I hate saying this, but the worst that could happen is he gets angry about that talk, which is common enough as is. If he is willing to talk about it good, if not then you can at least say you tried and go from there.
Talk to your sister, and I mean truly talk with her. Tell her how you have felt dealing with it throughout your life so she knows she isn't alone. Let her know that you have her back in this whole situation. Give her your phone number for when you are up at school and let her know that if she ever feels alone she can call you. Let her know that no matter what, you are there for her, and live up to that. Ask her what she wants to do. You made it through this, you need to do what she needs done to get her through it. If she ever gets seriously injured, in my opinion, you have no choice but to get an outside party involved.
Dude and I mean this, if you ever need to talk, you can PM me. I might not have the right advice, but at least I can listen and offer another point of view.
I almost feel like if he would actually sit down and talk with his dad about this stuff, his dad would be like "wtf, this kid thinks he can tell me what to do? rageeeeeeeeeeeee". At least, that's the impression I get from reading this, as you've mentioned, he knows his dad best, and can best judge what his reaction would be.
Tough situation, I hate reading stories like these on TL, always so depressing. Amazes me how stern some (asian?) parents are with their kids.
Hope you keep us updated with what you decide to do :o
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thedeadhaji
39473 Posts
I think the ultimate question is this: is your family happy.
If it's not, then something should change.
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wow its just insane how some dudes (kissblade etc...) are actually defending him.. such a sad sad world. His sister is getting beaten and you advice to suck up to him.... no words can describe how dumb that is...
let me sum up 13 pages. YOUR SISTER IS GETTING BEATEN BY YOUR DAD, WAKE UP AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
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On July 13 2010 11:40 YPang wrote:Show nested quote +I think that we both should know that we can't turn out like our parents did. I swore to myself that I would not get my kids to hate me. If they did, I said I deserved to rot in hell. That's what I think we need to get from this. We should not make the same mistakes they did. And I swore to myself that I would not see my parents or ever call them when I grow up to show how badly they messed up. I have contemplated suicide many times and even choked myself with a jump rope one time. You should never see your dad ever again. I will meet my sister and check up on her, but I will never unless I have to see my parents when I grow up. wow man, this is actually exactly how i feel. Except i never attempted suicide, thought about it though. I have also set a promise to myself to never turn out like my dad, and i would keep telling myself if i ever became abusive to my children, or a wife beater i might just as well call the cops and get myself into jail. I can't play sc2 either my pc sux too much . But ya i totally feel you man. I think i have it a little better than you do. My dad doesn't go berzerk when we tell him we don't wanna watch a movie with him T.T
I know exactly how that feels as well ... I think I've become overly pacifistic because of how much physical and verbal abuse I endured as a kid. Definitely had lots of suicidal thoughts, I can remember as early as 3rd grade picking up the kitchen knife and thinking to myself, "There's two ways out of this, kill myself or kill him then kill myself." Man that sounds so overly dramatic, esp. as a 9 yr old, but I cried myself to sleep every night, I was so miserable.
Well, a lot has been said in this thread already so I'll keep my own opinion short and just echo whoever I think said it best.
This guy got it down 100% right I think: (spoilered cuz it's long)
Show nested quote +On July 13 2010 10:19 johnlee wrote:On July 13 2010 08:48 zulu_nation8 wrote: If you're not exaggerating then please at least contact the counselors at your school. WTF LOL. I fucking hate suggestions like these; please make yourself sound more oblivious and ignorant to the person's situation. Do you really fucking think those counselors will do SHIT? Not trying to attack you and be bm, but there are so many reasons why you can't just "tell on the counselors" regarding family issues. ------------- To the poster: Damn... I understand completely what you're talking about. My dad goes into unreasonable rage modes every once in a while that just breaks the whole family apart. I won't QQ about my dad since it won't do any good but I hope that you'll be able to keep a clean conscience and a good heart even when he rages again. Some words of advice? Idk. I'm still a noob at this too hahaha: 1. Know that he is being unreasonable, BUT understand that he must be stressed because of ____ or ____. 2. HATE him for his stupid actions, but love and forgive him because he's your father. 3. Whenever it's your sister or mother who is afflicted by your father's rages, remember to always stay by their sides and comfort them. They need you. 4. Whenever you're afflicted, don't do anything reckless. Just swallow the anger or take it out on an inanimate object -- you're a better person. (Unless the dad does COMPLETELY unreasonable, like idk actually physically HURTING your mom or sister brutally, then which I don't think I could even hold myself back from attacking him.) And that's it I think. I don't know if this'll help much, but I really have been (and still continue to be) in your situation before so... stay strong Gooooood luck.
Especially #2. I spent so many years forcing myself to forgive, because seriously man ... hatred sucks. The only way out of those thought spirals where you end up raging and thinking of revenge is forgiveness ... even today, 10 yrs after high school, I still struggle with suddenly raging/wanting revenge...
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I agree with koreasilver and kissblade. Over their posts, they covered my thoughts on the situation.
This is an interesting thread, through which I learned how differently white people and Asians Americans perceive the situation.
The father in a household is constantly under a lot of stress: work, income, wellbeing of the family, success of the children, etc etc, and the fact that the times are hard probably isn't helping. When things go sour, the father typically feels the need to establish himself, especially within the family, which is why he might seek unnecessary ways to demonstrate his dominance, be it yelling at his wife or disciplining his children (note: please stop saying "beat", it's not the same). While it's not always the case, but I feel, most of the time, the father isn't abusive. While I don't agree with this approach, I don't think it's fair for everyone who's ignorant of the culture/situation to jump in and starting yelling "get CPS". I feel that'll just make things a whole lot worse than they are. Remember, the father always wants the best for the family, he has a strong sense of responsibility. He will likely sacrifice everything he has to pay for his children's education, to provide food, etc.
While my father wasn't nearly as bad as yours, our family certainly had its own rough patches during our earlier years of immigration (when I was about 11-13), my parents would always argue and my dad was almost never happy with me, etc. Things gradually got better as our family settled in. But of course, my dad never treated me with any sort of encouragement regardless how well I did in school (I was #1 in my grade throughout last two years of high school) and always wanted me to do better (I think he feels that if he showed any signs content, I would stop trying). Now that I am making more money than he is, he treats me a lot better, and we have drinks together and have random talks, basically things are a lot better. I think it's because he feels that I am finally able to support myself and he is happy that everything worked out okay for me.
I also think you should occasionally stand up for yourself in front your dad. I remember this one time my dad yelled at me for some stupid shit that was inconsequential to anything, and instead of just taking it like I always did, I just looked at him in the eye and told him in a very calm tone that what he's saying is totally random and made no relation to anything else. I think it helps him realize that you've grown up, which should make him happy.
Overall, while I don't think the Chinese upbringing it ideal, I think it's passable, and the Chinese kids usually turn out pretty well. I really disliked my dad when I was in grade 11 and grade 12 (and I even wrote some dumbass short story for english class where a prince killed his father), thinking back, it wasn't all bad. I probably wouldn't be where I am without my dad (the constant disappoint helped, now that I think about it, I think he was probably secretly happy with me and just never showed it).
I am really drunk, and I hope this whole chinese wall of text makes some sense.
GL to you OP, I hope things work out for you and your family. Of course, i can't fully access your situation from your few posts, but I assume it's similar to mine and those who have immigrant parents with high expectations (this is also spurred from the fact that they gave up everything they had for their kids' future, which is a very courageous and selfless thing to do), so I hope at least my past has shed some light on your situation. But please, re-evaluate it carefully before taking drastic measures (such as those suggested by 90% of the psoters here), because once you commit, there is no undo, and you just might fuck up what you have.
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When I read the title I thought that "this must be again another asian parent blog"
But when I read everything through I think it's not only about asian culture your dad is sick man. I suggest you, your sister and your mum move out as soon as possible...See if your dad could realize how important the family is, and change his attitude. If not, just leave him...
Im not sure about calling Child Services, because could it make thing even worse?
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I would also advice contacting some kind of social services or the police. It may seem bad at the time, but compared to what may come in the future I believe it's the only possible move.
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