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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On September 18 2017 19:42 B.I.G. wrote:
I agree that what SoSexy describes is way too far, but I can't really say I've experienced it to that extreme. When I say keep your emotions in check I'm referring to the classic notion of "manly" behavior because I also believe that many people (and especially women) appreciate being calm and stable as a quality in a man.
That doesn't mean I think everyone should adhere to that ofcourse.
Yeah, I agree with that. Maybe I was taking it for granted, in that case my bad.
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Teenagers/young adults have a rough time of it because most are still in the process of forming the basis of who they are; their beliefs, values, and principles. They don't have that self-confidence as a result, so when they're assaulted by the intense emotions involved with attraction they are overpowered...so they fall back on "the dating game" to hide these insecurities. It's unfortunate that the self-building and dealing with overpowering feelings coincide, but that's being a teenager for you. It would certainly make the human life easier if we waited to start feeling attraction until our early 20s, but evolution continues to work and will ideally weed out those unfortunates that let those feelings consume them (stalkers, "nice guys", etc.)
If all the women you run into seem to play this game, that might mean you're either getting unlucky or picking up women at the wrong place. Try to put yourself in the head of your ideal girl and imagine what kinds of things she likes to do for fun, then go do those activities in a community setting and keep an open mind. Is she hard-working/compassionate? Volunteer at shelters/charities. Does she like to travel? Go backpacking somewhere and stay at hostels. Is she a "good girl"? Go to church. It's also a good litmus test for how realistic your ideal girl is; if you imagine her loving to do certain activities (sewing, cooking, etc.) that you would hate to do, you should probably question why those are important.
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Good take Ryzel, I agree, though I'd remind those looking for a partner to be open to the possibility that opposite minded people can oftentimes work out just as well as people who see mostly eye-to-eye or enjoy doing the same things.
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Hello everyone, I need some relationship advice. My girlfriend and I are currently long distance though she is just about to accept a job that would move her out in 8 months. I flew back for our one year anniversary and due to having remote training at work I'm here the whole week working from her room while she works at her office. Our one year was amazing but since then it seems like we've had a host of problems and that I'm just digging myself deeper without meaning to.
Onto the incidents:
Incident 1:
Probably the main cause of my problems happened on Sunday, when I invited her to hang out with my previous work coworkers meg and riley. My gf doesn't like meg, however due to us commuting like 40 minutes a day together at work previously made us pretty close and we have a lot of inside jokes. While I enjoy the friendship and there are things I admire about her, I've never wanted to date her and am extremely happy and love my gf. However, when I had given my gf my old phone she had seem some texts where meg had sent me some scandalous emojis (heart eyed smiley face etc…) Though I had never reciprocated. This compounded with the fact that in her eyes I acted differently when the group hanged out like showing less pda and different body language. She said that she doesn't think Meg likes me anymore but that I have a crush on her.
Incident 2:
Another source of stress this week has been that I am generally a very social person and have a lot of friends in the next town. She said that because she had me for the weekends and us going to Canada Friday/Saturday. That I could schedule hanging out with friends for the weekdays. To get there it’s a 30 minute drive oneway. She got upset that none of my friends come here and that we are always the ones to go there. It's a fair point but part of that is cause I don't really know this area so I have my friends suggest and so of course we go to them. She say's that I don't have time for her, even though when I scheduled things I made sure to check with her beforehand to see if it was ok. She gave the approval but apparently that isn't true. I think a big part was her getting her dream job and wanting to celebrate but I had plans with a friend for his birthday. We have a celebration dinner on Thursday after her work.
Incident 3:
We were on a double date last night and ran into a friends gf who I've talked to a handful of times. I said "Hi, long time no see" and my gf interpreted that I said it differently in my deep sultry voice and that I was flirting with her… That the way I act naturally comes off as flirting and gets me in trouble.
I feel a little lost on what to do.
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Ok so it sounds like that unless your lady claims time in advance with specific plans you are gonna be hanging out with your friends. It's already a long distance relationship so she might have a bit of a wtf feeling when you don't make yourself more available for her. On top of not seeing you often you are getting cozy (in her eyes) with other women. If you would come to look her up and find out that she has been getting awfully friendly messages from some dude wouldn't you also be unhappy about it?
I need to add though that nothing you're doing is wrong per se but you might want to be a bit more considerate. Another possibility is that she simply doesn't feel like doing this anymore and is trying to find a good reason for breaking up.
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you could stand to tell meg what is and isn’t proper communication b/w yourselves. your gf isn’t in the wrong here. meg is. and by extension yourself, for not discouraging it.
the rest is just a relationship man. shit takes work.
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Yeah idd man apart from not doing stuff you should also consider not doing stuff that makes it LOOK like you are. E.g. said convo with Meg. Also I don't think Meg is in the wrong, if anyone is it's 100% you.
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Thanks for the responses!!
On September 28 2017 01:26 B.I.G. wrote:
Ok so it sounds like that unless your lady claims time in advance with specific plans you are gonna be hanging out with your friends. It's already a long distance relationship so she might have a bit of a wtf feeling when you don't make yourself more available for her. On top of not seeing you often you are getting cozy (in her eyes) with other women. If you would come to look her up and find out that she has been getting awfully friendly messages from some dude wouldn't you also be unhappy about it?
I need to add though that nothing you're doing is wrong per se but you might want to be a bit more considerate. Another possibility is that she simply doesn't feel like doing this anymore and is trying to find a good reason for breaking up.
On September 28 2017 01:31 brian wrote:
you could stand to tell meg what is and isn’t proper communication b/w yourselves. your gf isn’t in the wrong here. meg is. and by extension yourself, for not discouraging it.
the rest is just a relationship man. shit takes work.
You're not wrong in that I would be unhappy and jealous. Brian is right when he said that I should have put a stop to it. The text messages were from months ago and they weirded me out. I had talked about it with the gf and said if more messages popped up I would tell her and tell Meg that it wasn't appropriate. The conversation has still been friendly but I don't think inappropriate.
The friend thing is hard to balance. I moved about 1500 miles away and the next time I'll be back is for Christmas. Im really only seeing my closest friends for a couple of hours while she gets whole days. One solution I came up with is that next time , I'll make sure to have every other day with just her.
I know besides the Meg situation, I'm not technically doing anything wrong. But the situation between us is still tense and obviously what I'm doing doesn't make her feel great which I think is a problem.
Edit: I know it's 100% my fault, when we hung out with Meg and Riley, Meg said an inside joke and didn't explain it and I should have. I know some of it is basic, but it's also my first time dealing with this.
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I was in a "successful" LDR for 3½ years (we live together now, but I don't think you can ever truly call such a thing a success). I was the one living away so to speak. When I was at her place I would specifically ensure that I allocated about 2 evenings just for her for every 1 evening I would see someone else (even if it included her). Time together is just so crucial when doing a LDR that you really need to devote yourself to each other whenever you have the chance. The issue is that since you see each other so relatively seldom, there is a lot more room for uncertainty - and it has a lot more potential to cause harm to the relationship. My best advice is really to root out as many possibilities which can create doubt in the relationship as possible. Of course don't compromise or change yourself, but consider how much you share with e.g. Meg.
Best of luck. I can't recommend LDR to anyone, but it was definitely worth it for me. So if you've found someone special, hold on and prune away as much of the distractions as possible.
EDIT: I think it is important to do away with the notion of "guilt" whenever doubt enters the relationship. Rather talk about what transpired that caused doubt and then focus on how to avoid such things in the future. If it becomes to allocate guilt it becomes a much more of a personal attack and then you end with a fight.
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and i mean it’s certainly not 100% your fault. in a relationship, nothing is ever 100%.
and even that aside, not to minimize your feelings but, they’re not big issues. sounds like you’re doing the right thing generally speaking and there’s just some tension. i don’t think the tension is on you, personally, though you’re totally in a position to get rid of it.
the fastest way to get rid of it is acknowledge it together and figure it out.
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@hachiman:
Basic but fundamental question.
Have you talked about it?
e: I just now read brians posts..
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I think a faucet of the problems is that we have talked about it before and some of the same issues still pop up, mainly our expectations for communication. However in the grand scheme of things they are manageable problems . We've been texting throughout the day and I think we are both in better moods to tackle yesterday's problems
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That is good to hear.
Talking and making sure one is on the same page while doing so is important. Honesty and such.
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So she assumed you have a crush on Meg, completely seriously? I'd call your girlfriend out on that , confront her and get to the bottom of her feeling, that seems the weirdest there -whyd she assume you're in the wrong ?
Same with 3) she'd assume that - feels like you need to get to the bottom of this , definitely stand strong on being nice to people and find out why she feels that way
When girls come up with bullshit like that it tends to be something else or general feeling that they feel, you just have to communicate and get to the bottom of it . It might be simply the time thing , that you don't tell her what she means to you enough, or that she's not satisfied sexually ... Tons of things just figure out how she feels and keep communicating .
2) seems inevitable , needs compromise .
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Let me ask the people who are living together this: how much actual time do you spend together, with work related, friends, other things (hobbies, ...)?
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À lot on the weekend.
During the week not so much.
I just changed cities and before I had one colleague. Now I'm in a coworking space which is so superior. But only since a couple of days so I haven't made plans with them.
Most of my friends are scattered throughout the country so I spent less time with them than my partner.
As i am super tired after work recently, I hardly get to do more than a little housekeeping and maybe go for a run or a beer with my one close mate in town from Mon through Friday.
I've been traveling quite extensively on the weekend and if not rest one day and depending on the weather go for a nice walk or a cycling trip to the lakes.
All in all we spent quite some time together. Also founded in us both working longish hours and not having a wide circle of friends in town.
I'm not complaining though. I love spending time together.
I haven't been able to pick up on any hobby but tinkering on my bike once or twice since august and posting/reading TL and newspapers. Oh yes. I helped friends on basically every free weekend to get their apartment ready and move in. I guess that's part of why time flew so fast.
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On September 29 2017 05:41 Uldridge wrote:
Let me ask the people who are living together this: how much actual time do you spend together, with work related, friends, other things (hobbies, ...)?
Is that many different questions? Or do you want to know how much time I spend with my gf at work? 
Basically, it depends, but on workdays I spend the whole day at work. We kinda get up together, but she has to leave earlier than I do (will change next week when I will have to leave earlier than her  ), and I get back quite a bit later than she does.
We have dinner together and usually watch something on TV that we both like before going to bed. If there's nothing to watch we both do our own thing.
On weekends we almost always do something together. Whether that's hanging out with friends, going into the mountains, or running errands around town. If we are just staying at home, we usually run out of together-activities, and each does our own thing. I will often go climbing one day, and she sometimes joins just to get out of town, and sometimes doesn't.
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Yeah my question concerns how much time you have left with your significant other after you've deducted time from work, hobbies, socializing (which isn't seperate per se), ....
Of course there's different solutions for different couples, but I'm kind of sampling here with yours are because I feel like I need significantly more alone time than other people, which then reflects on how much time I can/want to spend together with my gf I guess. Right now there's a LDR distance thing going on and we're planning on living together, but there are streaks where we spend 5-days together and that completely drains me.
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i mean if 5 days drains you, i’m expecting that won’t go well. you need someone you enjoy being around all the time. i mean, you’ll live together.
personally, probably more on the extreme side, i work and live with my SO. we spend like 12hr a day together minimum. we work within say, fifty feet of each other. however, we have tall cubes and don’t make a point of hanging out much so it’s more of a casual thing.
then when we go home we spend about 2 hours doing our own thing. then spend the rest of the night together. weekends is fairly similar, though if we have no plans i might take 4-5 hours to my own thing.
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EPT
