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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On September 17 2017 21:55 SoSexy wrote:
Lemon, you are detached from reality. This guy sent a single text - how does that makes him 'a boring stalker'? If he wrote a text a day for a week without reply, I'd agree. But he sent one single text to a girl who gave him her number WILLINGLY.
I told you why women take their time, and rightfully so.
Don't see anything wrong with second guy's approach in terms of texting, sure he can wait longer but it's no big deal as long as that's it when he sent one message. Treating women as whores who owe you something because you approached them/paid for dinner/went out of your way and treating spending time with her with no result as a wasted transaction and a waste of time is definitely not the right way though. You should approach women, pay for them etc. because you want to not because you expect a transaction informs of affection back
It's more addressed to the first guy where the girl takes her time replying, but spends time with him, has a great time with him in person and he wants to hurry into getting her whatsapp and make her text more - not doing that and letting her ask for more contact (besides him arranging dates) will set you apart and actually make her like you more
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I recently just stopped talking to a girl because she kept suffocating me with questions like "are you ok?" "are you sure you're ok?" "are we ok?" ...yeah, no guys like that kind of bs.
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On September 18 2017 01:35 quake wrote:
Well, you guys do bring up solid points. Sometimes, you have to take a step back and see someone else's perspective.
I did ask my friends gf (while we were eating dinner) if texting her a few hours later was a big deal and she said it wasn't. I digress. Perhaps it wasn't a waste of time. You learn, move on. I will admit I probably over reacted. I was highly emotional when I first wrote this. This was first time I approached someone in years. So, perhaps I'm bound to take things a bit harsher than usual. The gist seems to be, if she isn't going to respond and shes the type looking for attention she may lack some character and depth. Perhaps its a good thing I didn't get sucked in. I'll update if I decide to hit on someone else, the story was kind of fun to tell.
Like the other two posters said, don't take it personally. You should chalk it up as a personal win that you faced your fears to talk to an attractive woman, but I can tell you the end goal is for you to not let your feelings of attraction overpower your emotions. It's totally natural to be pressured by this, since so much importance on "not fucking up" with attractive women is placed on you both by your peer-views and your own hormones. It's really all in your head though. It's definitely not a comfortable feeling initially, but it IS possible to take a step back mentally and say "yes, I am definitely attracted to this woman, but so what?". Having some self-confidence is kind of necessary for this, so if you're struggling you should evaluate your life and find out what are the things about who you are and what you've done that you are most proud of. Take pride in who you are, know that a woman isn't solely defined by how attractive she is (despite some women believing it themselves), and make an effort to get to know the person by how she defines herself.
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Getting worked up over a girl you just met not texting back is some sad shit man. We'll just let it slide because it might be a first time experience but get used to this shit because trust me when I say that an average guy like most of us will fail with women AT LEAST 90% of the time.
So buckle up and check your sack because if you want to get into the game (or even become an emotionally healthy adult) you need to learn to deal with rejection like this.
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On September 18 2017 12:06 B.I.G. wrote:
Getting worked up over a girl you just met not texting back is some sad shit man. We'll just let it slide because it might be a first time experience but get used to this shit because trust me when I say that an average guy like most of us will fail with women AT LEAST 90% of the time.
So buckle up and check your sack because if you want to get into the game (or even become an emotionally healthy adult) you need to learn to deal with rejection like this.
I get the idea of how telling someone in his situation to "nut up" might be helpful 'cause you're trying to motivate him to face his fears by essentially telling him he's a bitch and to stop being one, but I'm pretty sure if hearing that was all he needed to "man the fuck up", he would have already. How does one "check their sack", exactly?
By realizing they are a catch themselves. They need to take a good look in the mirror and analyze how they feel about themselves; what they think makes them attractive as a person (to take pride in), and what makes them self-conscious (to fix). Fear of not knowing how to talk to women will go away when you focus on genuinely wanting to know the woman you're talking to, backed by a self-confidence that you can let your beliefs, thoughts, and desires shine through without giving a fuck because you already know you're awesome.
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Yup. That, and trying a lot.
And I think a large part of getting better at dating and being a better partner for someone is knowing when to keep your emotions in check. Venting about his frustration to us is fine but he shouldn't get in the habit of cursing existence whenever he strikes out. I see men 10 years my senior send such dumb messages to women they're dating because they had an "emotional moment of weakness" and only ended up looking like idiots because they were being inappropriately jealous f.e.
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Just ended a two week whirlwind dating experience. It was all lust and passion but the outlook of a future together, wasn't happening. Her baggage was way more than I was willing or wanting to take on and we just didn't see ourselves together at the moment while I start my career and journey. We ended things with the door open, so who knows. Back to being single.
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Hey guys first time posting here, so be gentle pls! Been single for a year now, post divorce. Cant really see myself dating seriously again, but trying to meet new people and do the casual dating thing. Trouble is, I find it hard to do the casual thing- I am pretty much only interested in a girl if I can see a future. Any advice for getting back in the saddle? (no pun intended)
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On September 18 2017 14:43 Nagvalk wrote:
Hey guys first time posting here, so be gentle pls! Been single for a year now, post divorce. Cant really see myself dating seriously again, but trying to meet new people and do the casual dating thing. Trouble is, I find it hard to do the casual thing- I am pretty much only interested in a girl if I can see a future. Any advice for getting back in the saddle? (no pun intended)
Nothing wrong with that at all. Plenty of people aren't like that and can see it as casual and a numbers game. Others don't do that. Do what works for you.
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I also don't have the patience to commit to someone if I don't feel it could go somewhere. As I have said plenty of times in this thread I strongly believe in "dating is a numbers game". Truly put in an effort for 30 to 60 minutes every day (be it dating apps or actively approaching people) and sooner or later you will get results. Even if you don't end up dating these people just the practice and self exploration will make you grow as a person and become a better partner in the future.
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On September 18 2017 14:58 B.I.G. wrote:
I also don't have the patience to commit to someone if I don't feel it could go somewhere. As I have said plenty of times in this thread I strongly believe in "dating is a numbers game". Truly put in an effort for 30 to 60 minutes every day (be it dating apps or actively approaching people) and sooner or later you will get results. Even if you don't end up dating these people just the practice and self exploration will make you grow as a person and become a better partner in the future.
Thanks this is actually really helpful. Just need to get in the right headspace I guess.
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On September 18 2017 13:30 B.I.G. wrote:
Yup. That, and trying a lot.
And I think a large part of getting better at dating and being a better partner for someone is knowing when to keep your emotions in check. Venting about his frustration to us is fine but he shouldn't get in the habit of cursing existence whenever he strikes out. I see men 10 years my senior send such dumb messages to women they're dating because they had an "emotional moment of weakness" and only ended up looking like idiots because they were being inappropriately jealous f.e.
What you wrote is extremely true, but in my opinion it is also extremely sad and the precise reason I'm losing interest in dating. I really can't stand this social game, pushed to the limit by social networking. Everyone is faking something because they believe it is the right thing to do. Do you know how many chances I've lost simply because I said 'fuck this, I'm just going to be honest'? If I feel like writing, I write. If I feel like going out, I ask her out.
This does not always work due to fucking, stupid mindgames. Everytime I talk about this with friends, I'm mind-boggled. 'Yeah I like that guy, but I was online 12 minutes ago so I can't reply immediately even though I like him because he'd think I live on facebook and that's not cool' or 'so I liked her fourth profile picture, so she will think that I checked her profile and not only focused on the homepage, now I have to wait 48 hours at least before sending a text or I will look creepy and lose social value'.
Seriously? If I want to do this degree of mental gymnastic I prefer to study music harmony or philosophy. I'm 28 - I played this game when I was a horny 17-year-old and I would have killed (lol) to get laid. Then I did my experiences and honestly, I wouldn't go through that shit again for a one night stand or a two-weeks date. I don't want dating to become mathematics, or a complex network of logical connectors. I want dating to be emotions - I like you, you like me: let us open our hearts out.
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i agree with sosexy
if you want to be involved in dating and you enjoy the "fun" in casual dating, then by all means play your games and use your strategies or whatever.
but if you want to find an actual marriage material girl then lose the "how to date 101" bullshit and be honest.
if youre a decent human being itll work and youll likewise connect with other decent human beings who are mentally stable and have more important things to do in their lives than play mind games to get sex.
and if this method doesnt work for you then the reality is you havent met a girl who has her shit together and doesnt realise how much of a waste of her valuable time it is to do this, or theres a problem with yourself and you wouldnt last long either way after a relationship gets serious and the walls come down
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If you're not able or willing to deal with a certain amount of baggage you can stop dating anways.
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On September 18 2017 18:31 Artisreal wrote:
If you're not able or willing to deal with a certain amount of baggage you can stop dating anways.
precisely.
no ones perfect so theres no point trying to be, nor expecting your partner to be.
learn to accept people for who they are and look for someone who can do the same for you. theres no successful couple out there that doesnt hate each others guts when it comes to a couple small things
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On September 18 2017 18:31 Artisreal wrote:
If you're not able or willing to deal with a certain amount of baggage you can stop dating anways.
How is this relevant to what I wrote? We were not talking about baggage
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its relevant because playing mind games and all that shit implies you have something to hide or are insecure about something, therefore cannot be honest about it.
that is the definition of baggage pretty much
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To be honest I wasnt specifically referring to you in person, sosexy, but rather felt it was an important thing to point out with the recent discussion about "marriage material" and "casual dating". Sorry if that came about as offensive.
Too much baggage is cited time and again as a reason not to be with someone and while it is true that some people have problems that are difficult to handle, I found it brought up a little too easly. I mean I faintly remember someone's partner being a crack addict and compulsory liar/cheater or something and I dont discredit that lmao.
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I don't think that people playing mindgames necessarily have 'something to hide'. Imo, they just came to believe this is the most efficient way to get girls/boys, and it is heavily influenced by society. A boy could start mindgaming because he saw that being honest wasn't getting him any girl, then eventually (not necessarily, unfortunately) mature and realize how the best way is simply not giving a fuck and doing what you feel.
However, keep in mind that we are reasoning as mature people. Imagine teenagers - I am confident to say that in most cases, they have no baggage to worry about and they are simply doing trial and error - this works, good, this doesn't, bad.
@ Artisreal: the moment I posted, I saw your comment. How one deal with the past/baggage is very interesting: I used to believe this rule:
1) better to not know
2) better to know sooner than later
In this order. However, I have no definite stance on the subject at the moment. I'm thinking that maybe telling everything is better, because it means you trust the other and you are basically showing your cards. Also, I feel like it is dishonest to keep your partner in the dark about extreme things (i.e. if you did cocaine every weekend) and one could form a better judgement about how much he wants to commit to that relationship.
I mean, I don't bite too much into this 'the past is not your businness' thing. If after 20 years of marriage I discover that my wife used to do heroine and orgies every weekend before she dated me, I don't think I'd be ok with that.
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I agree that what SoSexy describes is way too far, but I can't really say I've experienced it to that extreme. When I say keep your emotions in check I'm referring to the classic notion of "manly" behavior because I also believe that many people (and especially women) appreciate being calm and stable as a quality in a man.
That doesn't mean I think everyone should adhere to that ofcourse.
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EPT
