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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On June 26 2015 01:22 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On June 26 2015 00:52 CosmicSpiral wrote:
The reason they are bad conversationalists is because you are a bad conversationalist. Anyone can ask questions; it's an excuse not to listen and to contribute nothing of value to an interaction. Also you seem to have no interest in them as people, rather as stand-ins to fulfill an empty hole in your life. That was quite the aggressive answer. If you're talking about the ex thing you're right, I definitely don't care about that the first minute I'm talking with someone who I'm trying to get in a relationship with. Well it's really frightening if I'm bad then they are horrendous. I know anyone can ask questions but do you honestly want me to just start talking about a subject by myself? I'm trying really hard to find a common subject we can talk about, or even just one of theirs but they're giving me absolutely nothing to work on. Feels like you think a conversation should just spontaneously appear out of thin air... Show nested quote +If they don't ask "How about you?" they probably don't care enough to bother.
You have to understand that you're one of literally hundreds of people she talks to online, and it's impossible to care about all of them. Maybe you're just in the percentile of people not shit enough to outright ignore but not interesting enough to actually give a fuck about. That's usually a good indication for your time being better spent somewhere else. Yeah sounds about right. I'll probably stop replying unless things changes.
You aren't supposed to have "conversations" over tinder or text. You are supposed to set up a meeting to have a conversation face to face.
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United States15275 Posts
On June 26 2015 15:45 Juddas wrote:
I really don't know why my feelings are fading
Because you are a human being, and all feelings of romantic ecstasy fade with time. Acclimation happens with all feelings that aren't rooted in some abstract principle. There's nothing wrong with you; it simply means your relationship to her is different from her relationship to you. Clearly you stand for something more in her mind.
I guess I don't really know what I'm looking for here. I know the correct move is to just be a man about it and pull the trigger, it just seems so impossible when I even think about it. Thanks for reading.
You're looking for someone to give you permission for what you already know. You're not old or experienced enough to love someone in a different way than your current mode, and there's no easy way to figure it out.
On June 26 2015 15:57 evilfatsh1t wrote:
the fact that she stayed static and you matured?
I don't see any evidence of that. The general rule of giving relationship advice is to read between the lines. His pondering about the root cause are standard rationalizations, not real evidence that he is fundamentally changing as a person.
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thats why it is a question. not a statement
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God damn this thread is dead without me. I am truly the hero this thread needs.
Talked to a girl on tinder, super slow at responding, like twice a day max. Didn't really have much hope even though she seemed to put some kind effort in her messages. Asked her out on a date, no response. I just do not understand the mindset where you would not even say 'no'. Mindboggling.
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On June 29 2015 03:53 bloodwhore~ wrote:
God damn this thread is dead without me. I am truly the hero this thread needs.
Talked to a girl on tinder, super slow at responding, like twice a day max. Didn't really have much hope even though she seemed to put some kind effort in her messages. Asked her out on a date, no response. I just do not understand the mindset where you would not even say 'no'. Mindboggling.
They are on for attention. They get a LOT of it. They may send out 6-12 "Hi" messages and/or receive as many or more and then just pick one or two of them to talk to.
It's not worth the effort for them to talk to the ones that were their backups if the cuter ones didn't respond. At least that's what I've heard from some single females when talking about stuff like tinder.
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On June 29 2015 04:00 GreenHorizons wrote:
It's not worth the effort for them to talk to the ones that were their backups if the cuter ones didn't respond. At least that's what I've heard from some single females when talking about stuff like tinder.
I understand all that, but the mindset not even to say no is retarded. Does she expect me to go on a date if she responds a month later or what?
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On June 29 2015 04:08 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On June 29 2015 04:00 GreenHorizons wrote:
It's not worth the effort for them to talk to the ones that were their backups if the cuter ones didn't respond. At least that's what I've heard from some single females when talking about stuff like tinder. I understand all that, but the mindset not even to say no is retarded. Does she expect me to go on a date if she responds a month later or what?
Possibly, and a lot of guys would. Tinder isn't really for dating from what I gather, it's about hooking up and getting attention. This would be one reason you wont see tinder bragging about it's resulting marriages like EHarmony or something. Pretty sure there was some research that said only about half of the users are single, so dating is a killer as that's a lot harder to hide than some tinder messages back and forth.
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Was on a trip to London for a week. Wasn't really looking for something as I was just going to be there for a week but came across a guy from Shanghai. Hit off really well and now I'm depressed I had to go back when I finally felt like I met someone who I had very good chemistry with.
oh well
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On June 29 2015 04:08 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On June 29 2015 04:00 GreenHorizons wrote:
It's not worth the effort for them to talk to the ones that were their backups if the cuter ones didn't respond. At least that's what I've heard from some single females when talking about stuff like tinder. I understand all that, but the mindset not even to say no is retarded. Does she expect me to go on a date if she responds a month later or what?
If you've never met her in person I don't think she really needs to say no, silence is just as effective. It might be more polite to say no, but I know of girls who do that and then the guy flips out on them.
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On June 29 2015 06:59 Najda wrote:Show nested quote +On June 29 2015 04:08 bloodwhore~ wrote:On June 29 2015 04:00 GreenHorizons wrote:
It's not worth the effort for them to talk to the ones that were their backups if the cuter ones didn't respond. At least that's what I've heard from some single females when talking about stuff like tinder. I understand all that, but the mindset not even to say no is retarded. Does she expect me to go on a date if she responds a month later or what? If you've never met her in person I don't think she really needs to say no, silence is just as effective. It might be more polite to say no, but I know of girls who do that and then the guy flips out on them.
I do this IRL when doing pickup / social practice
If someone doesn't show interest, or turns out as boring. I turn around and walk away without saying a word. It just saves time really
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On June 29 2015 06:59 Najda wrote:Show nested quote +On June 29 2015 04:08 bloodwhore~ wrote:On June 29 2015 04:00 GreenHorizons wrote:
It's not worth the effort for them to talk to the ones that were their backups if the cuter ones didn't respond. At least that's what I've heard from some single females when talking about stuff like tinder. I understand all that, but the mindset not even to say no is retarded. Does she expect me to go on a date if she responds a month later or what? If you've never met her in person I don't think she really needs to say no, silence is just as effective. It might be more polite to say no, but I know of girls who do that and then the guy flips out on them.
Oh yeah I forgot about the flip out guys, just wow! This one isn't even the worst I've seen.
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On June 29 2015 07:52 GreenHorizons wrote:Show nested quote +On June 29 2015 06:59 Najda wrote:On June 29 2015 04:08 bloodwhore~ wrote:On June 29 2015 04:00 GreenHorizons wrote:
It's not worth the effort for them to talk to the ones that were their backups if the cuter ones didn't respond. At least that's what I've heard from some single females when talking about stuff like tinder. I understand all that, but the mindset not even to say no is retarded. Does she expect me to go on a date if she responds a month later or what? If you've never met her in person I don't think she really needs to say no, silence is just as effective. It might be more polite to say no, but I know of girls who do that and then the guy flips out on them. Oh yeah I forgot about the flip out guys, just wow! This one isn't even the worst I've seen.
How does this guy even function? And blood I've never used Tinder so I guess I have no idea wtf I'm talking about, BUT I agree with you.
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Exactly. It's basic game theory. The girl has 2 main choices: radio silence, or replying. If there is radio silence, then either the guy won't say anything, or may have some hope of it continuing. If she chooses shutting them down, she risks them absolutely flipping out, or else just accepting it. The only thing she gains from replying to shut you down is increasing the risk of you flipping out on her. Therefore, her best choice is to be silent if she can. What effect does this have on you? This random girl won't care.
You'll see this even more in real life. Online or in text there is no threat other than getting called stupid names, but in real life the women are likely smaller and weaker, which means they can be threatened by the men. You may see a man be a huge jackass, red flags everywhere and the woman will just say "I'll call you when I'm free" or whatever - and then delete the number of the fucko.
You have to be cognizant of these types of things when you're dating. Women are pretty scared of random men, which makes sense. The best case vs. worst case is not a good tradeoff. Worst case you get murdered, best case you maybe meet a boyfriend.
As for myself, my dating is kinda piss-poor. I just graduated university from Software Engineering and have pretty much no money. Most of my summer so far has been spent reading, playing video games, learning Spanish, doing random exercise and yard work for my dad. I'm 21(almost 22) and haven't had a girlfriend. For most of my life I haven't felt ready, but I think that I'm finally at a good point - I like myself, and I think I'm mature enough to handle being with another person. I've been learning better social skills, etc. I am worried about things such as feeling trapped in a relationship - I like doing things by myself, and hate obligations or promises, so that could turn out poorly for me. However, I would like another person to enjoy my time with sometimes.
In the past, it seems that in general girls that have been attracted to me are not the ones I find attractive, and the girls that I find attractive are not attracted to me, but I'd imagine this is fairly common.
At this point I finally feel I understand socializing enough that I can tell if women are hitting on me, but I feel... apathetic? Even when women I'm interested in are hitting on me, I don't really do anything thing about it. I'm kind of slow moving in general, but in this regard I just take way too long. I think I probably watch way too much porn.
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On June 29 2015 11:12 WarSame wrote:
Exactly. It's basic game theory. The girl has 2 main choices: radio silence, or replying. If there is radio silence, then either the guy won't say anything, or may have some hope of it continuing. If she chooses shutting them down, she risks them absolutely flipping out, or else just accepting it. The only thing she gains from replying to shut you down is increasing the risk of you flipping out on her. Therefore, her best choice is to be silent if she can. What effect does this have on you? This random girl won't care.
You'll see this even more in real life. Online or in text there is no threat other than getting called stupid names, but in real life the women are likely smaller and weaker, which means they can be threatened by the men. You may see a man be a huge jackass, red flags everywhere and the woman will just say "I'll call you when I'm free" or whatever - and then delete the number of the fucko.
You have to be cognizant of these types of things when you're dating. Women are pretty scared of random men, which makes sense. The best case vs. worst case is not a good tradeoff. Worst case you get murdered, best case you maybe meet a boyfriend.
As for myself, my dating is kinda piss-poor. I just graduated university from Software Engineering and have pretty much no money. Most of my summer so far has been spent reading, playing video games, learning Spanish, doing random exercise and yard work for my dad. I'm 21(almost 22) and haven't had a girlfriend. For most of my life I haven't felt ready, but I think that I'm finally at a good point - I like myself, and I think I'm mature enough to handle being with another person. I've been learning better social skills, etc. I am worried about things such as feeling trapped in a relationship - I like doing things by myself, and hate obligations or promises, so that could turn out poorly for me. However, I would like another person to enjoy my time with sometimes.
In the past, it seems that in general girls that have been attracted to me are not the ones I find attractive, and the girls that I find attractive are not attracted to me, but I'd imagine this is fairly common.
At this point I finally feel I understand socializing enough that I can tell if women are hitting on me, but I feel... apathetic? Even when women I'm interested in are hitting on me, I don't really do anything thing about it. I'm kind of slow moving in general, but in this regard I just take way too long. I think I probably watch way too much porn.
Porn never shoots you down. Less your internet dies, then you can just /wrists
No but porn is basically the 'radio silence' in your example, the violence a kick in the pride.
If it wasn't clear a "kick in the pride" is an acceptable consequence though so you should go get kicked 
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I think you probably do too.
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Alright, I need to stop doing it so frequently, then. Does anyone have suggestions for this? I've noticed I cut down a lot when I'm working out or running a lot, or just busy doing other things. Can you recommend me some other ways to quit it?
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you just stated the answer. be occupied with other things.
on my free days i sleep in heaps which cuts down a lot of time available + desire, i play games, go for a game of soccer or just go out and meet a friend.
or something as simple as cleaning your house or making food. pretty much doing anything that isnt sitting in front of your computer browsing through the net
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On June 29 2015 11:12 WarSame wrote:
Exactly. It's basic game theory. The girl has 2 main choices: radio silence, or replying. If there is radio silence, then either the guy won't say anything, or may have some hope of it continuing. If she chooses shutting them down, she risks them absolutely flipping out, or else just accepting it. The only thing she gains from replying to shut you down is increasing the risk of you flipping out on her. Therefore, her best choice is to be silent if she can. What effect does this have on you? This random girl won't care.
Can't you just block or report these douchebags who flip out? I get that it's a complete stranger that you're ignoring and so you probably don't give two shits about them, but I'd also expect a common courtesy of straightforwardness or a "Thanks but no thanks" or at least acknowledging my existence, as I would do the same for anyone else who asked me a similar question of interest. It's just basic human decency, no? After all, if you never respond to a douchebag, he might start berating you after X amount of time anyway...
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You can, and I'm not sure why these girls aren't just blocking them right away. I guess I could see it if they blow up your phone while it is dead, or something.
I don't feel like they owe you anything. Why should they? Sure, it'd be nice if they at least gave you a no, but with how many people they probably deal with, do you think they want to bother with it? For you, it may be important. If they're shutting down 5 people a day, and 1 flips out every day, are they going to keep doing it?
I feel like douchebags are less likely to berate you if you're silent. They're not certain you rejected them, so it's still up in the air. By the time they're certain, they've probably forgotten it or gotten over it.
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Yeah I guess you're right. I tend to take things too personally anyway; it's a good thing I don't have to deal with that crap.
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EPT
