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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On June 24 2015 19:37 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On June 24 2015 08:56 LemOn wrote:
Btw after 3 months of dating
And I will see her TWICE in one week for the first time
I'm surprised you haven't met her more, three months is a long tme. You're moving awfully slow in my opinion! Have you guys had sex yet?
have u :p
I think it's pretty nice starting things slowly, and those activities own. You get to know each other better first, that's pretty amazing. That's also what my friend recently advised me to do. Though I failed, in hindsight it would have been better and next time I'll try that too.
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On June 24 2015 19:43 evilfatsh1t wrote:
seeing someone once a week isnt that uncommon
i probably met my ex gf once a week for at least 2 months straight as well. we had one day which we were both free on and we lived like 1 hr away from each other as well.
not seeing someone much doesnt necessarily mean youre moving slow though. you could still be doing everything a couple seeing each other everyday could do, just that you pack your schedule tight and do it all in 1 day
Yeah I guess everyone can't do things like me. If I do something I fucking do it fast and hard. Which isn't working great always like you have noticed. 1 hr apart is kinda much, I study at a university city so I got like 15 mins with bike to everything. The girl I went on two dates with lived I think 4 km away and I thought that was a lot.
These girls on tinder in Stockholm. I'm swiping like 95% right, many seem to be what some would call "basic bitches" though. A few of my matches from my university town also live in Stockholm somewhat close by, going to initiate conversations with them today I think. Would be sweet if I clicked with one of them since they'll go back to university later when I do as well.
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On June 24 2015 14:52 Epishade wrote:Show nested quote +On June 24 2015 12:54 Titusmaster6 wrote:On June 24 2015 05:21 Juddas wrote:On June 24 2015 05:13 Epishade wrote:
Ugh. My girlfriend gave me the "we need to talk" thing last night and broke up with me today. I managed to talk her into reconsidering and taking me back but I don't know if it's going to last. She said she'll talk to me next week and that she's emotionally drained. When I asked if we were alright, she said she just needed a little bit of "me" time and said bye.
I really liked her too, but I'm not sure if things will be the same anymore. I'm not even sure she won't change her mind again and not take me back. I wish I just knew already. The uncertainty is worse than knowing for sure. I've had a lump in my throat all day and last night and have teared up a lot already. Wish things had turned out differently. Dude let me tell you you are better than that. You don't need her to take you back. Sounds like the relationship is over to me and to give her her time. I know it sucks and things like this always suck. If she had those feelings just asking her to reconsider won't change them. From one man to another, move on, things will be better before you know it  Epi you are a good guy (from what I know from TL) and I want to see you be happy in life. So please, take the time to listen to what Juddas is saying because it is 100% spot on. Thanks Titus, but I'm sorry. I think I'd be making a bigger mistake if I gave up just like that. I can't go back after doing that, and since I still have feelings for her and I want to make it work, I'm going to put some effort in and hopefully fix it. If I ended it, I'd always have that sinking feeling of regret wondering if I made the right choice or not.
Sir, you are much smarter than most. The most important thing in life is to live it with no regrets. Never let yourself wonder "what if?"
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On June 24 2015 19:48 unsaeglich wrote:
have u :p
Haha, not sure if this is bait but you would know this if you've read what I've written before. Why I'm asking is because someone told me in the thread before that you should "always go for the kiss" and I think it was LemOn. Just checking if he is following his own rules and regulations with the aggressive 1v1 plays. 
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I need some advice about a girl from my uni. We've begun talking and sitting next to each other for some of the courses we have together, and I think she's somewhat into me, although I'm not quite sure. I don't really know what she's like, as we haven't spent THAT much time together.
The problem is that I don't really find her attractive, but I could likely look past that if her personality and character was compatible with mine. The thing is, I don't want to give her the wrong signals and end up hurting her. What further complicates things is that I've begun thinking about her sometimes for some reason I can't explain.
My buddies say I should just see what she's like and then go from there, but I don't know what to do... I just don't really see myself going out with her right now...
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United States15275 Posts
You're thinking about it too much. Just hang out with her.
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On June 25 2015 02:35 CosmicSpiral wrote:
You're thinking about it too much. Just hang out with her.
This.
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On June 24 2015 19:37 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On June 24 2015 08:56 LemOn wrote:
Btw after 3 months of dating
And I will see her TWICE in one week for the first time
I'm surprised you haven't met her more, three months is a long tme. You're moving awfully slow in my opinion! Have you guys had sex yet?
Yeah make out date1
2nd base date2
3rd base+ from date 3
We live like 30 mins from each other.
But I'm busy with work, and rather do one awesome planned 10hr date where I pay 100% attention to her once per week than meet 4 times randomly for a short time and watch a DVD or sth.
I want to do this pretty much always no matter how long the relationship lasts, even if I live with a girl - any more times we see each other is a bonus.
Plus she's super busy with studying, has a lot of girlfriends, has to be home by 1am every day so there's no point in telling her to just come over when I'm horny at night after I'm done working.
And most important of all - she hasn't brought it up, doesn't blow up my phone, yet when I didn't call her one week cause I was ill she was on the verge of tears, really upset telling me how she got used to seeing me every week, so I assume she doesn't mind it either.
EDIT: I did like to see her today though, but I gave myself 2 days off work cause of burnout. I'll basically see her for 2 full days, 12hours each. If it works out well I might see her more often.
When I do it all over again with a girl I'm into I will follow the same pattern for sure - it just feels weird to completely change your schedule and see a girl 4x per week when you're in the first months - that's just not sustainable in the long run.
I'd rather take it slow at first, and then escalate it slowly so the relationship gets better and better, or at least constant not spike at start, fizzling out later
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epishade, the reason I asked if she was unattractive was because your behavior reeks of shame. You are afraid to publicly be seen with her, hang out with mutual friends, disclose anything on fb etc. You are ashamed of your "girlfriend", and honestly doing a disservice to her. How would you feel if a girl you really cared about did the same things to you? Break up with her and find a girl you are actually proud of, it will be good for the both of you.
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On June 25 2015 08:37 LemOn wrote:Show nested quote +On June 24 2015 19:37 bloodwhore~ wrote:On June 24 2015 08:56 LemOn wrote:
Btw after 3 months of dating
And I will see her TWICE in one week for the first time
I'm surprised you haven't met her more, three months is a long tme. You're moving awfully slow in my opinion! Have you guys had sex yet? Yeah make out date1 2nd base date2 3rd base+ from date 3 We live like 30 mins from each other. But I'm busy with work, and rather do one awesome planned 10hr date where I pay 100% attention to her once per week than meet 4 times randomly for a short time and watch a DVD or sth. I want to do this pretty much always no matter how long the relationship lasts, even if I live with a girl - any more times we see each other is a bonus. Plus she's super busy with studying, has a lot of girlfriends, has to be home by 1am every day so there's no point in telling her to just come over when I'm horny at night after I'm done working. And most important of all - she hasn't brought it up, doesn't blow up my phone, yet when I didn't call her one week cause I was ill she was on the verge of tears, really upset telling me how she got used to seeing me every week, so I assume she doesn't mind it either. EDIT: I did like to see her today though, but I gave myself 2 days off work cause of burnout. I'll basically see her for 2 full days, 12hours each. If it works out well I might see her more often. When I do it all over again with a girl I'm into I will follow the same pattern for sure - it just feels weird to completely change your schedule and see a girl 4x per week when you're in the first months - that's just not sustainable in the long run. I'd rather take it slow at first, and then escalate it slowly so the relationship gets better and better, or at least constant not spike at start, fizzling out later
I saw my high school sweetheart once a week for nearly the first year of our relationship. And then we did a long-distance relationship through our college/ grad programs for the next 8 years, seeing each other about once a month. Now we're engaged.
Based on the level of commitment from both parties, it can work  It depends on your (and her) priorities.
Disclaimer: It sucked not getting to see her frequently, especially when I'd see my college buddies paired up with girls they saw all the time. But hey, we outlasted all those couples. We loved- and still love- each other.
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On June 24 2015 14:52 Epishade wrote:Show nested quote +On June 24 2015 12:49 CosmicSpiral wrote:On June 24 2015 09:28 Epishade wrote:
I know. I message her everyday to talk with her, and I really do want to stay in the relationship, but I know a lot of my actions were unintentionally hurtful to her. I do like her a lot, but it may be a while for me to love her as much as she says she loves me. You're not obligated to return affection in equal measure, if there was such a way as knowing when you hit that point. But if you need guilt to motivate you, then this relationship is not going to work. I'll change. I don't want to be motivated by guilt in this relationship. Show nested quote +On June 24 2015 12:54 Titusmaster6 wrote:On June 24 2015 05:21 Juddas wrote:On June 24 2015 05:13 Epishade wrote:
Ugh. My girlfriend gave me the "we need to talk" thing last night and broke up with me today. I managed to talk her into reconsidering and taking me back but I don't know if it's going to last. She said she'll talk to me next week and that she's emotionally drained. When I asked if we were alright, she said she just needed a little bit of "me" time and said bye.
I really liked her too, but I'm not sure if things will be the same anymore. I'm not even sure she won't change her mind again and not take me back. I wish I just knew already. The uncertainty is worse than knowing for sure. I've had a lump in my throat all day and last night and have teared up a lot already. Wish things had turned out differently. Dude let me tell you you are better than that. You don't need her to take you back. Sounds like the relationship is over to me and to give her her time. I know it sucks and things like this always suck. If she had those feelings just asking her to reconsider won't change them. From one man to another, move on, things will be better before you know it Epi you are a good guy (from what I know from TL) and I want to see you be happy in life. So please, take the time to listen to what Juddas is saying because it is 100% spot on. Thanks Titus, but I'm sorry. I think I'd be making a bigger mistake if I gave up just like that. I can't go back after doing that, and since I still have feelings for her and I want to make it work, I'm going to put some effort in and hopefully fix it. If I ended it, I'd always have that sinking feeling of regret wondering if I made the right choice or not. Show nested quote +On June 24 2015 13:26 IgnE wrote:On June 24 2015 09:28 Epishade wrote:On June 24 2015 08:44 CosmicSpiral wrote:She doesn't think I will ever be capable of liking her as much as she likes me. Is she wrong? Everything you write about her reeks of apathy. I know. I message her everyday to talk with her, and I really do want to stay in the relationship, but I know a lot of my actions were unintentionally hurtful to her. I do like her a lot, but it may be a while for me to love her as much as she says she loves me. On June 24 2015 08:47 LemOn wrote:On June 24 2015 08:26 Epishade wrote:On June 24 2015 08:07 killa_robot wrote:On June 24 2015 06:14 Epishade wrote:
I'm positive she's not cheating on me. She likes me more than I like her though, and she felt like I didn't want to be a part of the relationship/commit to the relationship/let people know I was with her, such as by not changing my fb status to relationship with her or avoiding friends while we were together, or not liking public display of affection with her in front of people I know. I feel bad for it, but I would have done the same with any other girl because I don't really like "showing off" that I have a girlfriend to people I know, and I've told her this and that I very much wanted to be in the relationship. She also has a lot of health problems and she recently got another one that made me worry about having a future with her. I told her this and that's what started this breakup. She doesn't think I will ever be capable of liking her as much as she likes me. She told me she loved me a few days ago and I said I liked her a lot but that I just didn't feel comfortable saying that to her just yet and that I hoped she understood, which she seemed to take well enough, but now it just looks like another sign of me not wanting to commit.
I know, all of this probably makes me look like a jerk. I'm sure she feels unwanted because of my actions, even though it wasn't my intention at all.
But I like her too much not to at least give it another chance. If it still doesn't work out then, then I can move on. Her not feeling like you're into her enough then creating space between the two of you is like, the perfect set up for her to cheat on you... She's feeling unloved and rather than go to you, since you're not nearby, she'll go to someone else. Not all too far-fetched. She's not really very sociable and hasn't ever been in a relationship before she met me. I know her well enough to know that she wouldn't ever consider cheating on me, not to even say that she wouldn't have anybody to cheat on me with. She's not the sorority-type girl who you'd expect might go to a lot of parties and hook-up easily with complete strangers, and with all the hours we spend talking to each other on fb every day, I'm positive that she doesn't want to break up with me as a set up so she can cheat. Eh looks like you're just not that into her in the first place man. I wouldn't pursue at all, if she contacts you and you actually feel like you want to be more active then by all means. But pretty this is one of the examples where really high mutual attraction is kind of a pre-requisite. There's a reason why you were being a jerk, I assume if you were head over heels in love with her you'd be a lot m,ore active right? I think you're right. But I really don't want to lose her, and it took her breaking up with me to realize how much I'd miss her if she wasn't in my life anymore. I hope we can sort it out next week. But I'll let her contact me when she's ready. I'll definitely try to be more commitful with her if we can work past this. Thanks everyone. You've been a real help and I'm glad I'm able to share my problems with you. How old are you? 20 Show nested quote +On June 24 2015 11:24 biology]major wrote:On June 24 2015 09:28 Epishade wrote:On June 24 2015 08:44 CosmicSpiral wrote:She doesn't think I will ever be capable of liking her as much as she likes me. Is she wrong? Everything you write about her reeks of apathy. I know. I message her everyday to talk with her, and I really do want to stay in the relationship, but I know a lot of my actions were unintentionally hurtful to her. I do like her a lot, but it may be a while for me to love her as much as she says she loves me. On June 24 2015 08:47 LemOn wrote:On June 24 2015 08:26 Epishade wrote:On June 24 2015 08:07 killa_robot wrote:On June 24 2015 06:14 Epishade wrote:
I'm positive she's not cheating on me. She likes me more than I like her though, and she felt like I didn't want to be a part of the relationship/commit to the relationship/let people know I was with her, such as by not changing my fb status to relationship with her or avoiding friends while we were together, or not liking public display of affection with her in front of people I know. I feel bad for it, but I would have done the same with any other girl because I don't really like "showing off" that I have a girlfriend to people I know, and I've told her this and that I very much wanted to be in the relationship. She also has a lot of health problems and she recently got another one that made me worry about having a future with her. I told her this and that's what started this breakup. She doesn't think I will ever be capable of liking her as much as she likes me. She told me she loved me a few days ago and I said I liked her a lot but that I just didn't feel comfortable saying that to her just yet and that I hoped she understood, which she seemed to take well enough, but now it just looks like another sign of me not wanting to commit.
I know, all of this probably makes me look like a jerk. I'm sure she feels unwanted because of my actions, even though it wasn't my intention at all.
But I like her too much not to at least give it another chance. If it still doesn't work out then, then I can move on. Her not feeling like you're into her enough then creating space between the two of you is like, the perfect set up for her to cheat on you... She's feeling unloved and rather than go to you, since you're not nearby, she'll go to someone else. Not all too far-fetched. She's not really very sociable and hasn't ever been in a relationship before she met me. I know her well enough to know that she wouldn't ever consider cheating on me, not to even say that she wouldn't have anybody to cheat on me with. She's not the sorority-type girl who you'd expect might go to a lot of parties and hook-up easily with complete strangers, and with all the hours we spend talking to each other on fb every day, I'm positive that she doesn't want to break up with me as a set up so she can cheat. Eh looks like you're just not that into her in the first place man. I wouldn't pursue at all, if she contacts you and you actually feel like you want to be more active then by all means. But pretty this is one of the examples where really high mutual attraction is kind of a pre-requisite. There's a reason why you were being a jerk, I assume if you were head over heels in love with her you'd be a lot m,ore active right? I think you're right. But I really don't want to lose her, and it took her breaking up with me to realize how much I'd miss her if she wasn't in my life anymore. I hope we can sort it out next week. But I'll let her contact me when she's ready. I'll definitely try to be more commitful with her if we can work past this. Thanks everyone. You've been a real help and I'm glad I'm able to share my problems with you. Is she unattractive? In a way. Objectively she's not the most attractive person, but I like her enough to look past that. I find her attractive in my own way.
Make sure that you really listen to your girlfriend's reasons as to why she wanted to break up with you. Some of them might be things you can change, if you want to try (e.g., "I feel like you never listen to me", "You always choose to do X without me and I feel left out"), but there are other things that might be because of her, and not you. I think it's totally fine to fight for your relationship, but make sure you two are communicating and honest with each other.
It's certainly not a good thing if she feels like she's being guilt-tripped into sticking around with you, so make sure your relationship is based on the right things Good luck!
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On June 25 2015 03:50 Acrofales wrote:Show nested quote +On June 25 2015 02:35 CosmicSpiral wrote:
You're thinking about it too much. Just hang out with her. This.
Double this. westgun, appearances are important in a relationship, but it sounds like you're pre-judging the shit out of her and trying to figure out what the end game is before you even start. I understand not wanting to hurt her, but you can still hang out with her and take things slowly.
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Triple this. If I learned one thing about dating it's that you can only fuck things up by overthinking. The one sure way to get rid of a girl is to get too intense.
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Why are some girls so godawful at having conversations?
Every girl except than the one who I told I just wanted to be friends and another one who I went fucked shit up with, have been pretty shit at talking. I get it if I'm the one initiating the conversation and they're not that interested in me. However it's really annoying when they are they one to first say hello and proceeds to just give a short answers to my questions. I don't even know what they expect... Do they think a relationship will magically appear without getting to know each other? Were they just bored when and wanted to say hello?
Regardless of who says hello first it usually goes like this after we've greeted.
I ask a broad question, she answers it, I ask a follow up question to her answer, she answers it, I ask another question, she answers it, I ask a follow up question, she answers. Not even a "how about you?" response. I'm bored. Why not just get a ask.fm account if you just want to answer questions?
Another thing I've noticed is that some girls bring up their ex after like 4 messages. I don't know how anyone can think that is a good topic so early on.
God damn. I'm not even sure if it's worth asking them out on a real date either, it's usually way easier to talk on text in my opinion since you can formulate an answer well. But if they can't even keep a somewhat even conversation on text how on earth would they do it in real.
Input someone?
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United States15275 Posts
The reason they are bad conversationalists is because you are a bad conversationalist. Anyone can ask questions; it's an excuse not to listen and to contribute nothing of value to an interaction. Also you seem to have no interest in them as people, rather as stand-ins to fulfill an empty hole in your life.
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If they don't ask "How about you?" they probably don't care enough to bother.
You have to understand that you're one of literally hundreds of people she talks to online, and it's impossible to care about all of them. Maybe you're just in the percentile of people not shit enough to outright ignore but not interesting enough to actually give a fuck about. That's usually a good indication for your time being better spent somewhere else.
Talking about bad conversations, my special lady friend just asked me something along the lines of:
"Did you know trees make air?"
I'm not sure what frightens me more, the fact that she's starting uni next year and doesn't understand how photosynthesis works, or the fact that she somehow thought this was groundbreaking news, OR the fact that she doesn't know that air doesn't only consist of oxygen.
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First I thought she was taking the piss, then I explained to her how photosynthesis works.
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On June 26 2015 00:52 CosmicSpiral wrote:
The reason they are bad conversationalists is because you are a bad conversationalist. Anyone can ask questions; it's an excuse not to listen and to contribute nothing of value to an interaction. Also you seem to have no interest in them as people, rather as stand-ins to fulfill an empty hole in your life.
That was quite the aggressive answer. If you're talking about the ex thing you're right, I definitely don't care about that the first minute I'm talking with someone who I'm trying to get in a relationship with.
Well it's really frightening if I'm bad then they are horrendous. I know anyone can ask questions but do you honestly want me to just start talking about a subject by myself? I'm trying really hard to find a common subject we can talk about, or even just one of theirs but they're giving me absolutely nothing to work on. Feels like you think a conversation should just spontaneously appear out of thin air...
If they don't ask "How about you?" they probably don't care enough to bother.
You have to understand that you're one of literally hundreds of people she talks to online, and it's impossible to care about all of them. Maybe you're just in the percentile of people not shit enough to outright ignore but not interesting enough to actually give a fuck about. That's usually a good indication for your time being better spent somewhere else.
Yeah sounds about right. I'll probably stop replying unless things changes.
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United States15275 Posts
On June 26 2015 01:22 bloodwhore~ wrote:
That was quite the aggressive answer. If you're talking about the ex thing you're right, I definitely don't care about that the first minute I'm talking with someone who I'm trying to get in a relationship with.
Most people are bad conversationalists. There's no need to sugarcoat it.
I'm talking about how you initiate conversations with the intention of trying to form a relationship. That's why your shared conversations are so bad.
On June 26 2015 01:22 bloodwhore~ wrote:Well it's really frightening if I'm bad then they are horrendous. I know anyone can ask questions but do you honestly want me to just start talking about a subject by myself? I'm trying really hard to find a common subject we can talk about, or even just one of theirs but they're giving me absolutely nothing to work on. Feels like you think a conversation should just spontaneously appear out of thin air...
Yes. Like with most things, you have to accept the risk that she won't be interested in you. But asking a series of questions is not representative of you, that's standard social politeness. You can't calculate your way into an honest interaction.
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EPT
