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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
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4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On April 07 2014 18:35 JoeCool wrote:She agreed to meet me on thursday (that was saturday) , I promised that I´ll message her about further details in the following days. She texted me two hours later... the message had no real content. It was sth like : "Don´t ask why... But I wanted to text you  ". Since I was working and went out with some of my friends I did not respond immediately. When I got home @ ~ 1.00 am I sent her a short message " ". Anyway; Thing is, I do not like writing sms - let alone conversation via sms/smartphone - but on the other hand I also do not want to seem disinterested. Would you contact her and ask her for example how her day was? Or just write a short message about the date - on thursday - and then wait... until thursday?
I think it's better if you don't like writing sms or have chat conversations. The only thing you have to indeed be careful of is to not sound disinterested, but if you're spamming her super-dependent as if you need confirmation from her, it's a way bigger turn-off.
So don't ask her how her day was, just say something like "awww that's so sweet! I'm looking forward to thursday! ". No need to ask her stuff at all, if she wants to tell trivial stuff about her day through texting, she can just go and do that whenever she wants to.
edit: Knowing that half of the people who read this are only able to think in binary all or nothing terms. So to clarify: I don't mean that you should never ask questions in texts/chats. I just mean to say that you don't have to bother striking up a conversation when you hate having chats through text-messages.
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On April 07 2014 05:31 Volband wrote:
How important is seriousness during (first) sex? I keep imagining scenarios where I could crack some jokes, which would ease the pressure, but not sure if it would kill the mood altogether or not. The number 1 advice for dating is "be confident", but the 2nd is "fuck her well", then the 3rd is "no pressure". I'm missing the link.
I have the virgin card so I could get away with a lot of things, but don't know how much should I opt for. I mean, everyone, whether he cares about the girl or not, wants to please his partner. It should be the best 20 seconds of her life, right?
1) How old are you actually
2) it's not "the virgin card". You're still a virgin for a reason. That's okay, but maybe you should expand your scope a little bit. It's good to stop making assumptions. Everytime you ask a question on this forum, you're first making an assumption as if it's a fact, and then you ask whether it's true. If you do this in real life I can really see a lot of people getting bored VERY fast of your way of communicating. When asking a question, just ask.
3) Just accept that you're a virgin, that you haven't got a fucking clue what you're doing, and just go for it without complicated thoughts or plans. In the end it's about sticking your pointy bit in her hole and moving your hips around. It's probably going to suck the first time, but that's okay. It's not about you rocking her world sexually, it's about you being there next to her and sharing an intimate moment with her. So don't talk in terms of giving her the best 20 seconds of her life, just give her the attention she deserves during the act. Be honest with her, enjoy your time, and be a man about it.
4) Making jokes is okay when it's the right mood, but jokes should never be forced. Also don't use jokes to draw attention to your shortcomings. So if you're not getting the insertion right (which probably will happen), don't make jokes about that you don't know what you're doing. Just go cuddle, do some finger or oral stuff, and try again a bit later. And if it completely fails it's also not a disaster. There's always a next time.
5) Sort of a summary of life, but just be yourself. Any girl sharing the bed with you deserves to lie next to a guy that's just himself. Don't try to force a better version of yourself. If she wants to lie next to you, she wants you for who you are and not for who you're trying to be.
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On April 07 2014 18:42 Slayers_Red.Cracker wrote:Show nested quote +On April 07 2014 18:35 JoeCool wrote:She agreed to meet me on thursday (that was saturday) , I promised that I´ll message her about further details in the following days. She texted me two hours later... the message had no real content. It was sth like : "Don´t ask why... But I wanted to text you ". Since I was working and went out with some of my friends I did not respond immediately. When I got home @ ~ 1.00 am I sent her a short message " ". Anyway; Thing is, I do not like writing sms - let alone conversation via sms/smartphone - but on the other hand I also do not want to seem disinterested. Would you contact her and ask her for example how her day was? Or just write a short message about the date - on thursday - and then wait... until thursday? I think it's better if you don't like writing sms or have chat conversations. The only thing you have to indeed be careful of is to not sound disinterested, but if you're spamming her super-dependent as if you need confirmation from her, it's a way bigger turn-off. So don't ask her how her day was, just say something like "awww that's so sweet! I'm looking forward to thursday! ". No need to ask her stuff at all, if she wants to tell trivial stuff about her day through texting, she can just go and do that whenever she wants to. edit: Knowing that half of the people who read this are only able to think in binary all or nothing terms. So to clarify: I don't mean that you should never ask questions in texts/chats. I just mean to say that you don't have to bother striking up a conversation when you hate having chats through text-messages.
Okay thank you
Guess I´ll send her a short message this evening/tomorrow about the date on thursday. That should show her that I do care about her.
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Northern Ireland26225 Posts
Christ man, the whole working all the time/seeing my son on the days off thing isn't working out too well for me atm, massively stuck in a rut that I'd like to get out of.
The few and far-between interactions I've had with potentially cool women, it seems that the parent thing is something causing awkwardness. Either they think I'm maybe too serious if I throw it out in just chilled conversation, and I got shouted at one night for not mentioning it. Outside of that girls for some reason insist 'ah well, you'll get back with his mum' despite my protestations to the contrary lol.
I'm not really looking for anything in particular, but it'd be nice to get to know some people outside of my circle and see how things go there organically, but the parenthood thing might be sabotaging that.
I might add that I'm only 24, and a young looking 24 so I'd imagine that girls my age or younger aren't so much accustomed to such things, and when you're in your 30s this isn't really such a big deal
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Do any of you guys have any experience meeting strangers on campus during the day? I tried pua for a while when I first started putting myself out there and in retrospect I really dislike it and how it effected my outlook on life. Now that I have ditched it... and been alone for quite a while, I don't really know where to draw inspiration from.
That being said please don't respond unless you actually do have experience with this sort of a thing.
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On April 07 2014 22:13 Wombat_NI wrote:
Christ man, the whole working all the time/seeing my son on the days off thing isn't working out too well for me atm, massively stuck in a rut that I'd like to get out of.
The few and far-between interactions I've had with potentially cool women, it seems that the parent thing is something causing awkwardness. Either they think I'm maybe too serious if I throw it out in just chilled conversation, and I got shouted at one night for not mentioning it. Outside of that girls for some reason insist 'ah well, you'll get back with his mum' despite my protestations to the contrary lol.
I'm not really looking for anything in particular, but it'd be nice to get to know some people outside of my circle and see how things go there organically, but the parenthood thing might be sabotaging that.
I might add that I'm only 24, and a young looking 24 so I'd imagine that girls my age or younger aren't so much accustomed to such things, and when you're in your 30s this isn't really such a big deal
Maybe you'll just have to wait 6 years? 
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Northern Ireland26225 Posts
Ideally that wouldn't be my course of action
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On April 07 2014 22:43 puppykiller wrote:
Do any of you guys have any experience meeting strangers on campus during the day? I tried pua for a while when I first started putting myself out there and in retrospect I really dislike it and how it effected my outlook on life. Now that I have ditched it... and been alone for quite a while, I don't really know where to draw inspiration from.
That being said please don't respond unless you actually do have experience with this sort of a thing.
have you tried meeting people the normal way? Through groups/events/classes? Just keep putting yourself out there.
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I am of the opinion that you should not outright ask a girl for a kiss. Pluck up the courage, lean in 90% of the way and from their reaction you should be able to tell if it's working. If they don't move back or do anything, then kiss them lightly on the lips; if they want to kiss you, then the show will get on the road and you can get off to the tongue races. If they don't, just say my apologies, I suppose I misjudged the situation.
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Norway28731 Posts
If a girl wants you to kiss her, you can tell.
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On April 08 2014 00:46 Liquid`Drone wrote:
If a girl wants you to kiss her, you can tell.
This isn't always true- but I think that's because some girls aren't sure themselves whether they want to kiss you or not. I'm speaking more about girls that you've been friends with for a long time, mostly, or girls that are emotionally damaged.
Like they'll give you a quick peck on the lips/cheek, but then waffle for a straight up kiss. It's not always so cut and dry. Body language, though, gives it all away I think. Is she acting timid and unsure? Is she assertive? Etc
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None of my classes have small groups they are all lecture  .
I didn't consider events though that might be a good idea.
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On April 07 2014 22:43 puppykiller wrote:
Do any of you guys have any experience meeting strangers on campus during the day? I tried pua for a while when I first started putting myself out there and in retrospect I really dislike it and how it effected my outlook on life. Now that I have ditched it... and been alone for quite a while, I don't really know where to draw inspiration from.
That being said please don't respond unless you actually do have experience with this sort of a thing.
What else is there other than practice? If you see a girl you like just go to her, give a honest compliment and introduce yourself. You will definitely find a girl that likes you back this way.
I also suggest reading the book The Red Queen by Matt Ridley for a better perspective on how females choose partners. That might give you the motivation to try over and over again until you meet a person you are compatible with.
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Completely and utterly confused about how a girl I am seeing is feeling.. We have been texting a lot, a few phone calls and after almost 2 weeks of talking finally went on our first date.. She seems to be a very a shy and quiet girl when we was out, and I got a lot of mixed signals from her.
I could tell she was lost in her mind at times, and when asking her about it she was too shy to come out about what she was thinking. I dont know if it was because she was bored, or just didnt know how to express what she was thinking.. And then yet again, we just had those quiet moments, and she just cuddled up to me.
At the end of the night when we split ways I was just thinking, oh well shes not interested, I ruined it etc etc.. But get a call in the morning from her saying she wanted to see me again, we decided to go for lunch before I had to work and we had a really nice time.
With how little we have seen each other so far, and our brief exchanges over text I just get the idea she is not interested.. yet she has agreed to go on a little day trip to the beach with me in the next few days. So once again I am yet confused.
The only way I can explain how she acts is because she has only been in England for two years, she speaks well enough English to communicate, but we always get those teasing moments when she cant pronounce a work.. So I am not sure if it communication issues, or culture (Shes Chinese btw) or whatever.. Any ideas on what I should do?
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On April 08 2014 04:04 Kerotan89 wrote:
Completely and utterly confused about how a girl I am seeing is feeling.. We have been texting a lot, a few phone calls and after almost 2 weeks of talking finally went on our first date.. She seems to be a very a shy and quiet girl when we was out, and I got a lot of mixed signals from her.
I could tell she was lost in her mind at times, and when asking her about it she was too shy to come out about what she was thinking. I dont know if it was because she was bored, or just didnt know how to express what she was thinking.. And then yet again, we just had those quiet moments, and she just cuddled up to me.
At the end of the night when we split ways I was just thinking, oh well shes not interested, I ruined it etc etc.. But get a call in the morning from her saying she wanted to see me again, we decided to go for lunch before I had to work and we had a really nice time.
With how little we have seen each other so far, and our brief exchanges over text I just get the idea she is not interested.. yet she has agreed to go on a little day trip to the beach with me in the next few days. So once again I am yet confused.
The only way I can explain how she acts is because she has only been in England for two years, she speaks well enough English to communicate, but we always get those teasing moments when she cant pronounce a work.. So I am not sure if it communication issues, or culture (Shes Chinese btw) or whatever.. Any ideas on what I should do?
don't overthink it 
If you enjoy spending time with her just do it. Everything else will sort itself out.
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On April 08 2014 04:04 Kerotan89 wrote:
Completely and utterly confused about how a girl I am seeing is feeling.. We have been texting a lot, a few phone calls and after almost 2 weeks of talking finally went on our first date.. She seems to be a very a shy and quiet girl when we was out, and I got a lot of mixed signals from her.
I could tell she was lost in her mind at times, and when asking her about it she was too shy to come out about what she was thinking. I dont know if it was because she was bored, or just didnt know how to express what she was thinking.. And then yet again, we just had those quiet moments, and she just cuddled up to me.
At the end of the night when we split ways I was just thinking, oh well shes not interested, I ruined it etc etc.. But get a call in the morning from her saying she wanted to see me again, we decided to go for lunch before I had to work and we had a really nice time.
With how little we have seen each other so far, and our brief exchanges over text I just get the idea she is not interested.. yet she has agreed to go on a little day trip to the beach with me in the next few days. So once again I am yet confused.
The only way I can explain how she acts is because she has only been in England for two years, she speaks well enough English to communicate, but we always get those teasing moments when she cant pronounce a work.. So I am not sure if it communication issues, or culture (Shes Chinese btw) or whatever.. Any ideas on what I should do?
A girl that accepts dates AND call back on her own is interested, period (or she's manipulative).
You have a bit of a negative mindset over it imo, trying to decipher too much, maybe she's just not used to it, maybe she's unsure, maybe her dad wouldn't approve... whatever. It's irrelevant until she tells you. Meanwhile just accept she accepted dates and asked to see you again, it means so far so good, as simple as that. Now, as you said, she is a shy girl so don't expect a ton of strong signals. Just go on your own plan and steps (baby steps if she's a shy one), you'll reconsider only if she puts a barrier forward. Meanwhile it's go go go.
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On April 08 2014 04:04 Kerotan89 wrote:
Completely and utterly confused about how a girl I am seeing is feeling.. We have been texting a lot, a few phone calls and after almost 2 weeks of talking finally went on our first date.. She seems to be a very a shy and quiet girl when we was out, and I got a lot of mixed signals from her.
I could tell she was lost in her mind at times, and when asking her about it she was too shy to come out about what she was thinking. I dont know if it was because she was bored, or just didnt know how to express what she was thinking.. And then yet again, we just had those quiet moments, and she just cuddled up to me.
At the end of the night when we split ways I was just thinking, oh well shes not interested, I ruined it etc etc.. But get a call in the morning from her saying she wanted to see me again, we decided to go for lunch before I had to work and we had a really nice time.
With how little we have seen each other so far, and our brief exchanges over text I just get the idea she is not interested.. yet she has agreed to go on a little day trip to the beach with me in the next few days. So once again I am yet confused.
The only way I can explain how she acts is because she has only been in England for two years, she speaks well enough English to communicate, but we always get those teasing moments when she cant pronounce a work.. So I am not sure if it communication issues, or culture (Shes Chinese btw) or whatever.. Any ideas on what I should do?
Girls have to juggle not being a "slut" and showing interest. Also, they are human too, and this girl may be wondering the same things about you regarding interest. Plus, I'd imagine that the cultural confusion may be a bit tricky. There are people that grew up in the US that don't understand the whole dating thing... imagine how it must be for her to replace what she knows about courtship (an archaic term, but really, that's what it is) in only two years.
I don't really know how you can think she isn't interested if she called you in the morning after your date and wanted to go to lunch... I would think that just accepting everything would make her being uninterested plausible, but the fact that she invited you somewhere suggests that she is interested
re texting: I probably text too much but I really do like conversing, and text just makes it easier. It's weird though, because I've had girls text me every day for weeks before and there's nothing weird about that, but when they stop texting me and I send them a text it's always "can't talk right now I'm doing homework!"... That frickin double standard, man
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On April 08 2014 04:04 Kerotan89 wrote:
Completely and utterly confused about how a girl I am seeing is feeling.. We have been texting a lot, a few phone calls and after almost 2 weeks of talking finally went on our first date.. She seems to be a very a shy and quiet girl when we was out, and I got a lot of mixed signals from her.
I could tell she was lost in her mind at times, and when asking her about it she was too shy to come out about what she was thinking. I dont know if it was because she was bored, or just didnt know how to express what she was thinking.. And then yet again, we just had those quiet moments, and she just cuddled up to me.
At the end of the night when we split ways I was just thinking, oh well shes not interested, I ruined it etc etc.. But get a call in the morning from her saying she wanted to see me again, we decided to go for lunch before I had to work and we had a really nice time.
With how little we have seen each other so far, and our brief exchanges over text I just get the idea she is not interested.. yet she has agreed to go on a little day trip to the beach with me in the next few days. So once again I am yet confused.
The only way I can explain how she acts is because she has only been in England for two years, she speaks well enough English to communicate, but we always get those teasing moments when she cant pronounce a work.. So I am not sure if it communication issues, or culture (Shes Chinese btw) or whatever.. Any ideas on what I should do?
I wouldnt be confused about it lol, she said she wanted to do something again so shes definitely down, youre pretty much "in" with her i guess you'd say
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On April 08 2014 04:04 Kerotan89 wrote:
Completely and utterly confused about how a girl I am seeing is feeling.. We have been texting a lot, a few phone calls and after almost 2 weeks of talking finally went on our first date.. She seems to be a very a shy and quiet girl when we was out, and I got a lot of mixed signals from her.
I could tell she was lost in her mind at times, and when asking her about it she was too shy to come out about what she was thinking. I dont know if it was because she was bored, or just didnt know how to express what she was thinking.. And then yet again, we just had those quiet moments, and she just cuddled up to me.
At the end of the night when we split ways I was just thinking, oh well shes not interested, I ruined it etc etc.. But get a call in the morning from her saying she wanted to see me again, we decided to go for lunch before I had to work and we had a really nice time.
With how little we have seen each other so far, and our brief exchanges over text I just get the idea she is not interested.. yet she has agreed to go on a little day trip to the beach with me in the next few days. So once again I am yet confused.
The only way I can explain how she acts is because she has only been in England for two years, she speaks well enough English to communicate, but we always get those teasing moments when she cant pronounce a work.. So I am not sure if it communication issues, or culture (Shes Chinese btw) or whatever.. Any ideas on what I should do?
If a girl doesn't like you she will flake you. If a girl doesn't like you she won't want to see you again, let alone call you the morning after. If a girl doesn't like you, she doesn't fucking cuddle you on a date on her own initiative. These are all obvious signals of interests that you failed to pick up at the right time.
She is shy and really into you. You, as a man, are expected to move things forward. If you don't know how to do it there's a thousand books, videos and forums on how to do it. Right now she is thinking that you don't reciprocate the fact that she likes you.
Having quiet moments is good btw, and whenever that happens you should always keep strong eye contact to create positive tension. That's how you kiss someone for the first time.
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On April 07 2014 19:00 Slayers_Red.Cracker wrote:Show nested quote +On April 07 2014 05:31 Volband wrote:
How important is seriousness during (first) sex? I keep imagining scenarios where I could crack some jokes, which would ease the pressure, but not sure if it would kill the mood altogether or not. The number 1 advice for dating is "be confident", but the 2nd is "fuck her well", then the 3rd is "no pressure". I'm missing the link.
I have the virgin card so I could get away with a lot of things, but don't know how much should I opt for. I mean, everyone, whether he cares about the girl or not, wants to please his partner. It should be the best 20 seconds of her life, right? 1) How old are you actually 2) it's not "the virgin card". You're still a virgin for a reason. That's okay, but maybe you should expand your scope a little bit. It's good to stop making assumptions. Everytime you ask a question on this forum, you're first making an assumption as if it's a fact, and then you ask whether it's true. If you do this in real life I can really see a lot of people getting bored VERY fast of your way of communicating. When asking a question, just ask. 3) Just accept that you're a virgin, that you haven't got a fucking clue what you're doing, and just go for it without complicated thoughts or plans. In the end it's about sticking your pointy bit in her hole and moving your hips around. It's probably going to suck the first time, but that's okay. It's not about you rocking her world sexually, it's about you being there next to her and sharing an intimate moment with her. So don't talk in terms of giving her the best 20 seconds of her life, just give her the attention she deserves during the act. Be honest with her, enjoy your time, and be a man about it. 4) Making jokes is okay when it's the right mood, but jokes should never be forced. Also don't use jokes to draw attention to your shortcomings. So if you're not getting the insertion right (which probably will happen), don't make jokes about that you don't know what you're doing. Just go cuddle, do some finger or oral stuff, and try again a bit later. And if it completely fails it's also not a disaster. There's always a next time. 5) Sort of a summary of life, but just be yourself. Any girl sharing the bed with you deserves to lie next to a guy that's just himself. Don't try to force a better version of yourself. If she wants to lie next to you, she wants you for who you are and not for who you're trying to be.
1) 22
4) exactly what I had in mind
2) I'm not sure how to do that.
So I told her when I'm available during the month (I don't have a regular work schedule), and asked her which day(s) is fine for her. She said none. Now, I might be indicesive as fuck, but not stupid, even if I'm concealing it rather well. Anyway, I'm aware that if you WANT to make room for someone, you do. I implied that it's rather odd that she's already sure she can't reschedule her next saturday. And sunday. And the following monday. I knew I was already too far into rude-territory, so when she asked me if I want to know her schedule for those days, I said no. I get that she's not over the moon for me, and doesn't engrave my name on trees in her free time, but why do I think she's somewhat interested, when this whole "I can't make it those days" screams "SHE'S NOT INTERESTED AT ALL PAL"? Like, we were skyping, and after some hours she asked me if I had laughed loudly at all. When I said I don't think so, she got quite sad (there was cam), and I immidietly remembered how I was expecting huge smiles and laughs from her, when I was with her and I really cared if she's enjoying herself or not. Sure, I might just imagine things, and it was nothing important after all, but that question was really out of her usual character. We also talked about "us", so I got the idea that the thought of it doesn't repels her at all. I just don't get why do I have to do everything that involves bringing us closer (and hitting a wall,eventually), when she doesn't seem completely neutral either during our conversations. And we talked a lot that day, we totally reached that point, where a possible "I'm sorry, I really like talking with you, but I can't imagine us being together"-talk could've surfaced, without it being blunt.
She said she could make time on thursday, when I told her I'll be around town that day, but she said only half an hour. Like what the hell. If I say sure, come, I'm just showing I'm willing to be fed with crumbs, and if I just let thursday pass silently, I'm an asshole, who doesn't value little things. But tell me, how could I agree to it, when I know she's too busy for a real date when I'm available?
Am I
A. Impatient
B. A tool who doesn't realise he's chasing a dream
C. Giving all the wrong details, so you can't really tell
D. In some kind of a next-level friend-zone, where she wants to keep me close, but not too close.
E. Spending too much time writing in this thread
?
Anyway, overall I'm disappointed, but I knew what I was getting into when I asked her again, so I'm not utterly crushed, unlike last time. Time will tell if she is interested or not (oh yes, btw this is the main question of my post).
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EPT
