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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On November 14 2017 04:34 Titusmaster6 wrote:Show nested quote +On November 14 2017 02:42 Incognoto wrote:
I'm in an awkward situation with a girl.
I asked her out 3 months ago and was told no. Which to me, was fine. What ended up happening was that we got closer over time. More chemistry, etc.
Over time I have been getting compliments from her (nice ones, not just looks but also about person) and haven't shied away from complimenting her back. The chemistry is real, texting late into the night, about anything and everything. We've even shared some personal worries. I really do not want to ask her out again because:
1. I already asked her out and as far as I'm concerned the ball would be in her court,
2. She is working 2 full time jobs and has almost no free time at all. Even if she were interested, a relationship would be difficult for her to handle,
That's not my problem them. I recently made a callous comment (it was me being careless with my wording) and she got angry at me. The texting stopped abruptly. I waited a few days, then texted her about something unrelated. She seemed fine at that point, then I very indirectly apologized and she indirectly said it was OK (just compliments).
Fast forward a few days from there, we haven't texted in a while. I'm half concerned that she has lingering disappointment in me and half concerned that she is losing interest in our friendship. Even though I want to date her, it's her friendship that matters to me more as of right now. However I wonder if the "romantic" tension (really, for lack of a better word. is it mutual? I don't know) is making things more difficult than they should be. I really just want to be an excellent friend to her because she's an excellent human being whom I respect deeply. It sounds like you want to cling onto that small chance of having a romantic relationship with her. I think you should just let it go and pursue relationships with other women. If you truly believe she might have romantic feelings for you, ask her again and be direct. If she says no then you can move on knowing you tried.
Nah I'm not going to ask her out again. If there is any interest doubtlessly she'll let me know. I may have feelings for her but I will not act upon them, I'll just let them die on their own. She's a great friend to me and I'm not going to toss that aside for a crappy reason like wanting to date. However, yes, I definitely would date her in a heartbeat if she showed interest.
I know this is the dating thread but my question has more to do with the actual friendship (these aren't entirely unrelated).
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On November 14 2017 02:56 Excludos wrote:
I'm unsure what realistically I can expect of answers here, but I might as well give my desperation a go:
Where do you guys go to meet girls? I'm in a position where I'm done with school, I got a decent living, my own apartment, car, etc and want to find someone to share my life with. But being a nerdy nerd with only nerdy nerd friends I have practically no girls in my or any of my friend's lives. So where do you go? Clubs are out: Music is too loud to even yell "hello" let alone attempt a conversation (Also the music sucks..I might be getting old), dating sited are really difficult unless you look really good (Most of them seem to have a 10 to 1 guy/girl ratio so the girls generally just get to pick whomever they might want) and costs a good bit of money, and mostly everyone at work is minimum 20 years older than me.
I'm assuming lots of other people here have found themselves in a similar situation, since we're all nerd after all. What did you do? What helped?
Your only option is to ask out girls wherever you can find them. Supermarket. Bus stop. On your way to the train. At the mall.
I personally have used tinder so far, but I will probably start to start asking out girls "in real" soon.
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On November 14 2017 02:42 Incognoto wrote:
I'm in an awkward situation with a girl.
I asked her out 3 months ago and was told no. Which to me, was fine. What ended up happening was that we got closer over time. More chemistry, etc.
Over time I have been getting compliments from her (nice ones, not just looks but also about person) and haven't shied away from complimenting her back. The chemistry is real, texting late into the night, about anything and everything. We've even shared some personal worries. I really do not want to ask her out again because:
1. I already asked her out and as far as I'm concerned the ball would be in her court,
2. She is working 2 full time jobs and has almost no free time at all. Even if she were interested, a relationship would be difficult for her to handle,
That's not my problem them. I recently made a callous comment (it was me being careless with my wording) and she got angry at me. The texting stopped abruptly. I waited a few days, then texted her about something unrelated. She seemed fine at that point, then I very indirectly apologized and she indirectly said it was OK (just compliments).
Fast forward a few days from there, we haven't texted in a while. I'm half concerned that she has lingering disappointment in me and half concerned that she is losing interest in our friendship. Even though I want to date her, it's her friendship that matters to me more as of right now. However I wonder if the "romantic" tension (really, for lack of a better word. is it mutual? I don't know) is making things more difficult than they should be. I really just want to be an excellent friend to her because she's an excellent human being whom I respect deeply.
I'd cut ties with her for the time being really
You have close to 0 chance with her romantically
Real friends don't give a fuck if you tune out for a month (years in my case even) and then just go back to normal
And hanging with a girl like that will just hinder your chances of meeting someone actually worthwhile dating, or being a proper friend that's there for you and you like without the cloud of wanting to bang
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On November 14 2017 04:52 Incognoto wrote:Show nested quote +On November 14 2017 04:34 Titusmaster6 wrote:On November 14 2017 02:42 Incognoto wrote:
I'm in an awkward situation with a girl.
I asked her out 3 months ago and was told no. Which to me, was fine. What ended up happening was that we got closer over time. More chemistry, etc.
Over time I have been getting compliments from her (nice ones, not just looks but also about person) and haven't shied away from complimenting her back. The chemistry is real, texting late into the night, about anything and everything. We've even shared some personal worries. I really do not want to ask her out again because:
1. I already asked her out and as far as I'm concerned the ball would be in her court,
2. She is working 2 full time jobs and has almost no free time at all. Even if she were interested, a relationship would be difficult for her to handle,
That's not my problem them. I recently made a callous comment (it was me being careless with my wording) and she got angry at me. The texting stopped abruptly. I waited a few days, then texted her about something unrelated. She seemed fine at that point, then I very indirectly apologized and she indirectly said it was OK (just compliments).
Fast forward a few days from there, we haven't texted in a while. I'm half concerned that she has lingering disappointment in me and half concerned that she is losing interest in our friendship. Even though I want to date her, it's her friendship that matters to me more as of right now. However I wonder if the "romantic" tension (really, for lack of a better word. is it mutual? I don't know) is making things more difficult than they should be. I really just want to be an excellent friend to her because she's an excellent human being whom I respect deeply. It sounds like you want to cling onto that small chance of having a romantic relationship with her. I think you should just let it go and pursue relationships with other women. If you truly believe she might have romantic feelings for you, ask her again and be direct. If she says no then you can move on knowing you tried. Nah I'm not going to ask her out again. If there is any interest doubtlessly she'll let me know. I may have feelings for her but I will not act upon them, I'll just let them die on their own. She's a great friend to me and I'm not going to toss that aside for a crappy reason like wanting to date. However, yes, I definitely would date her in a heartbeat if she showed interest. I know this is the dating thread but my question has more to do with the actual friendship (these aren't entirely unrelated).
Yeah see right there
For the friendship - you need to stop seeing her, or just basically get other women and date them, get the abundance mindset. And once you get to the stage of just being able to say no if she wanted to hump your brains out right there and then; then you can have a friend. Otherwise you just have a complication that's rarely worth it
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Real friends don't give a fuck if you tune out for a month (years in my case even) and then just go back to normal
lol agreed
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On November 14 2017 08:25 LemOn wrote:Show nested quote +On November 14 2017 02:42 Incognoto wrote:
I'm in an awkward situation with a girl.
I asked her out 3 months ago and was told no. Which to me, was fine. What ended up happening was that we got closer over time. More chemistry, etc.
Over time I have been getting compliments from her (nice ones, not just looks but also about person) and haven't shied away from complimenting her back. The chemistry is real, texting late into the night, about anything and everything. We've even shared some personal worries. I really do not want to ask her out again because:
1. I already asked her out and as far as I'm concerned the ball would be in her court,
2. She is working 2 full time jobs and has almost no free time at all. Even if she were interested, a relationship would be difficult for her to handle,
That's not my problem them. I recently made a callous comment (it was me being careless with my wording) and she got angry at me. The texting stopped abruptly. I waited a few days, then texted her about something unrelated. She seemed fine at that point, then I very indirectly apologized and she indirectly said it was OK (just compliments).
Fast forward a few days from there, we haven't texted in a while. I'm half concerned that she has lingering disappointment in me and half concerned that she is losing interest in our friendship. Even though I want to date her, it's her friendship that matters to me more as of right now. However I wonder if the "romantic" tension (really, for lack of a better word. is it mutual? I don't know) is making things more difficult than they should be. I really just want to be an excellent friend to her because she's an excellent human being whom I respect deeply. I'd cut ties with her for the time being really You have close to 0 chance with her romantically Real friends don't give a fuck if you tune out for a month (years in my case even) and then just go back to normal And hanging with a girl like that will just hinder your chances of meeting someone actually worthwhile dating, or being a proper friend that's there for you and you like without the cloud of wanting to bang
In my opinion, that sounds like the most reasonable and complete answer so far. I think you should listen to him. There were some good answers too but this one caught my attention. 
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Lemon is spot on. Honestly sounds mostly like you're here temporary boyfriend placebo so she doesn't feel so bad on all those self induced lonely nights. When it starts becoming clear it will start taking actual effort on her part she'll stop texting. Trust me man, these awkward friendships where you actually dig the girl so hard you'd suck a fart out of her butt but you pretend thats not the case because you value whatever scrap of attention she throws you so much don't work. You're not gonna get happiness from it and she'll go for a dude she actually likes within a heartbeat.
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so - so
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On November 14 2017 02:56 Excludos wrote:
I'm unsure what realistically I can expect of answers here, but I might as well give my desperation a go:
Where do you guys go to meet girls? I'm in a position where I'm done with school, I got a decent living, my own apartment, car, etc and want to find someone to share my life with. But being a nerdy nerd with only nerdy nerd friends I have practically no girls in my or any of my friend's lives. So where do you go? Clubs are out: Music is too loud to even yell "hello" let alone attempt a conversation (Also the music sucks..I might be getting old), dating sited are really difficult unless you look really good (Most of them seem to have a 10 to 1 guy/girl ratio so the girls generally just get to pick whomever they might want) and costs a good bit of money, and mostly everyone at work is minimum 20 years older than me.
I'm assuming lots of other people here have found themselves in a similar situation, since we're all nerd after all. What did you do? What helped?
Join a crossfit gym . Getting jacked and joining a "comunity" will do great for you.
I know tons, myself included, nerds that got somewhat over it by getting jacked (most important!) and being around people regularly.
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Do you guys have any good experiences when it comes to dating in the workplace?
I feel this barrier between myself and people - I think its the facade of "professionalism" that makes people think they should act in a somewhat impersonal way? I almost think its disingenuous but thats too harsh - anyone else ever experience this?
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On November 14 2017 23:51 Aveng3r wrote:
Do you guys have any good experiences when it comes to dating in the workplace?
I feel this barrier between myself and people - I think its the facade of "professionalism" that makes people think they should act in a somewhat impersonal way? I almost think its disingenuous but thats too harsh - anyone else ever experience this?
A friend of mine is dating the second girl from his company. First was a decently long relationship of maybe half a year to a year till she left for Google.
Had a short fling with a third.
They don't work together though and basically don't see each other during working hours. Just the same company.
He's quite fine with it due to the facts mentioned above making it less awkward should the breakup come.
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On November 14 2017 23:51 Aveng3r wrote:
Do you guys have any good experiences when it comes to dating in the workplace?
I feel this barrier between myself and people - I think its the facade of "professionalism" that makes people think they should act in a somewhat impersonal way? I almost think its disingenuous but thats too harsh - anyone else ever experience this?
I haven't experienced a lack of sincerity from my colleagues, but if you're thinking about dating in the workplace I strongly recommend to consider the effect that the relationship (and potentially a break-up) might have on you at work, at your hypothetical significant other at work, and your colleagues and bosses at work. Are things likely to get awkward or unprofessional or distracting at work, due to a relationship or break-up? Is potentially jeopardizing your job "worth it" for the relationship? It might be or it might not be; that's for you to decide.
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confidence matters! That is the most important thing
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On November 15 2017 16:22 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Show nested quote +On November 14 2017 23:51 Aveng3r wrote:
Do you guys have any good experiences when it comes to dating in the workplace?
I feel this barrier between myself and people - I think its the facade of "professionalism" that makes people think they should act in a somewhat impersonal way? I almost think its disingenuous but thats too harsh - anyone else ever experience this? I haven't experienced a lack of sincerity from my colleagues, but if you're thinking about dating in the workplace I strongly recommend to consider the effect that the relationship (and potentially a break-up) might have on you at work, at your hypothetical significant other at work, and your colleagues and bosses at work. Are things likely to get awkward or unprofessional or distracting at work, due to a relationship or break-up? Is potentially jeopardizing your job "worth it" for the relationship? It might be or it might not be; that's for you to decide.
These are actually concerns that I would still consider to be down the road at this point, what I think I am struggling with now is: how to be conversational in such a way that I can get past this "work barrier" that I feel exists without coming across as "unprofessional" or as blatantly hitting on someone in an office environment
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On November 15 2017 23:41 Aveng3r wrote:Show nested quote +On November 15 2017 16:22 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:On November 14 2017 23:51 Aveng3r wrote:
Do you guys have any good experiences when it comes to dating in the workplace?
I feel this barrier between myself and people - I think its the facade of "professionalism" that makes people think they should act in a somewhat impersonal way? I almost think its disingenuous but thats too harsh - anyone else ever experience this? I haven't experienced a lack of sincerity from my colleagues, but if you're thinking about dating in the workplace I strongly recommend to consider the effect that the relationship (and potentially a break-up) might have on you at work, at your hypothetical significant other at work, and your colleagues and bosses at work. Are things likely to get awkward or unprofessional or distracting at work, due to a relationship or break-up? Is potentially jeopardizing your job "worth it" for the relationship? It might be or it might not be; that's for you to decide. These are actually concerns that I would still consider to be down the road at this point, what I think I am struggling with now is: how to be conversational in such a way that I can get past this "work barrier" that I feel exists without coming across as "unprofessional" or as blatantly hitting on someone in an office environment
Ask them out for a drink or food? Being outside of the workplace can help immensely, as you're no longer in the environment where you "should" be focused on work. At work, it's not hard to smile and ask about their day; make small talk during downtime, if they're okay with it.
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there’s a line between personal and unprofessional, too. you can be personal before crossing that line, though it takes two to tango. the other person can decide that line ends where they want, so just be conscious and courteous. but set up a happy hour to get that particular ball in motion.
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On November 14 2017 02:56 Excludos wrote:
I'm unsure what realistically I can expect of answers here, but I might as well give my desperation a go:
Where do you guys go to meet girls? I'm in a position where I'm done with school, I got a decent living, my own apartment, car, etc and want to find someone to share my life with. But being a nerdy nerd with only nerdy nerd friends I have practically no girls in my or any of my friend's lives. So where do you go? Clubs are out: Music is too loud to even yell "hello" let alone attempt a conversation (Also the music sucks..I might be getting old), dating sited are really difficult unless you look really good (Most of them seem to have a 10 to 1 guy/girl ratio so the girls generally just get to pick whomever they might want) and costs a good bit of money, and mostly everyone at work is minimum 20 years older than me.
I'm assuming lots of other people here have found themselves in a similar situation, since we're all nerd after all. What did you do? What helped?
i met my gf at a 24/7 internet cafe.
my gf before that i met at a horse-track/casino (Woodbine Racetrack) ... my opening line was something like "you look amazing in that dress.. do you always look this gorgeous". Lots and lots of women at the Casinos man. and there is lots of milling and meandering through the Casino with lots of crowds... so lots of chances for openers with women in that situation.
i find its best to meet women in the normal course of your every day life. i'm way smoother with women than i was as a teenager. basically, i no longer sweat the small stuff. do i get flipped off with some of my cheesey, silly 1-liners.. sure. so what. if the girl is ultra rude and i'm super sweet i get the sympathy factor in my favour with her friends.
the best way to deal with women upon first meeting is to remain loose, relaxed and calm and a bit silly. if you need lessons on how to relax i recommend ELI BAY'S "The Relaxation Response".
https://www.elibay.com/
when you're in a relaxed mental state you're a lot more naturally creative. which is good for those stupid opening moments of a first meeting.
if your confidence is low... i recommend learning how to build self esteem. i recommend an action oriented approach. "How to Raise your Self Esteem" by Dr. Nathaniel Branden is a great start.
many people on this forum, myself included, tend to take themselves too seriously... and live in their own mind a bit too much. now that i'm an old man these issues have gone away.
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I'm finding myself in an odd position here guys.
There is this girl who I work with who I like a fair bit, already asked her out and got rejected. I'm pretty sure things won't change there either as while we are friendly there really is nothing going on past good natured work relations.
The thing that is bothering me now is that it is her birthday soon and I feel like getting her a gift. Knowing that she wants to start training for a marathon and is generally an outdoorsy person, I am finding myself tempted to by her a Fitbit.
I keep telling myself this is a bad idea as it will only make her feel awkward and not want to accept it. Yet I still find myself just wanting to do it as I think it would be nice and she would definitely get use out of it.
Am I just crazy for wanting to do this? I want to be clear that I am not at all trying to impress her, win her over, whatever. I just think she is a cool person and want to do something nice for her birthday. Just despite feeling like it will put pressure on her given she knows I like her I can't seem to convince myself not to do this ATM. Talk me down guys.
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this ones easy.
get coworkers to chip in for the gift.
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You could ask her if that would be weird.
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EPT
