EPTDating: How's your luck? - Page 940
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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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B.I.G.
3251 Posts
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waffelz
Germany711 Posts
On July 31 2017 22:19 VHbb wrote: At least talking about friendship (*not* open relationships) I don't see problems having girl-friends in a very platonic way. I'm not attracted to her, she's not to me, we are great friends (and we have been for some years, never hooked up). It's fun to not only have male friends, the perspective you get from female friends is quite different. Clearly if one of the two is more attracted, the friendship may be not possible, but I don't think it's "impossible" in general. I don't comment on open relationships because I have no experience (and I feel I would judge the topic only from my very personal perspective, which is likely limited) In my opinion the misbelief that men and women can't be / only rarely can be platonic friends stems from people whose circle of friends usually is dominated by their own gender. That plus some other reasons lead to interactions between them and individually of the opposing gender hold a different status. This special status leads to different forms of tensions which often manifest in attraction / supposed attraction. I am pretty sure I never met someone who got many friends of the opposing sex (and we are talking friends here, meaning having contact on a regular basis in some sort of close fashion) while also believing that those friendships are impossible. That’s rather obvious though. About open relationships: I would say it is simply a matter of what you want from a relationship and how you value/view sexual relations. I can’t really see it working out for me, but I can definitely see how it can work for others. It just so happens that sex isn’t in the exclusive category in that case. The thing I personally can’t really take for face value is polyamory. I get loving someone and screwing others/allowing them to screw others, but actually loving multiple people at the same time? That to me seemed always like the person defending it had just very ‘weak’ criteria for love, but besides being irreproducible to me, whatever floats your boat. I always found the dynamics those relationships interesting since in my experience often only one person is polyamory, the other(s) are just with that person, which I wouldn’t be able to do. | ||
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kmh
Finland351 Posts
It's weird to me that people have problems with the idea of loving many people simultaneously. Think about parents: wouldn't you expect them to love all their children? Is loving multiple partners so fundamentally different so that it would be impossible? Polyamory works for some people and some polyamorous relationships work well - others don't. Same with monogamous relationships. Every relationship "fails" until one doesn't, right? FWIW I've been in polyamorous relationships for a long time, the last 10 years with the same person . Sometimes my other relationships have lasted months, others have lasted years before drifting apart. It's really not that weird IMO, but it's absolutely not for everyone. Again, just because you can't see yourself in it doesn't mean that it doesn't work for others. The one thing I've learned is that honesty is the best policy in dating as well as LTRs. Most issues can be worked out if neither are playing silly games and just lay their cards out on the table instead. | ||
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Six.Strings
48 Posts
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waffelz
Germany711 Posts
On July 31 2017 23:47 kmh wrote: It's weird to me that people have problems with the idea of loving many people simultaneously. Think about parents: wouldn't you expect them to love all their children? Is loving multiple partners so fundamentally different so that it would be impossible? Polyamory works for some people and some polyamorous relationships work well - others don't. Same with monogamous relationships. Every relationship "fails" until one doesn't, right? FWIW I've been in polyamorous relationships for a long time, the last 10 years with the same person . Sometimes my other relationships have lasted months, others have lasted years before drifting apart. It's really not that weird IMO, but it's absolutely not for everyone. Again, just because you can't see yourself in it doesn't mean that it doesn't work for others. The one thing I've learned is that honesty is the best policy in dating as well as LTRs. Most issues can be worked out if neither are playing silly games and just lay their cards out on the table instead. To me, how I love my parents or my friends differ greatly from another, just like it differs from how I would love my partner. I accept that it is different for some people but can't help but feel their love and the relationship with them is "less worth", since my understanding of it differs. I wouldn't dream about arguing with someone on how they should change their relationship as long as it isn’t unhealthy of course. The other part was just me wondering how a polyamorous relationship works out for the person that isn’t polyamorous. Not that it is wrong or the person should change, just being incapable to comprehend how I would make that work out for myself. Not really dating-thread topic, but what’s up with ‘cuck’ being the new trendy word for… pretty much anything derogatory? It just popped up in this thread by someone I am not really surprised, but I have seen it a lot more recently in other places and chats. Just like autistic being the new go to as an insult. Did I miss some secret agreement that ‘faggot’ / ‘gay’ as an insult is outdated and the general internet-asshole feels like he doesn’t want to seem homophobic? | ||
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farvacola
United States18876 Posts
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
A truly monogamous person at heart dating a polyamorous one just because they can't get someone great that suits them of course should lead to trouble | ||
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B.I.G.
3251 Posts
By which I guess I mean to ask are we just brainwashed into thinking in this polygamous way or does it come natural to the human herd? | ||
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mahrgell
Germany3943 Posts
On August 01 2017 15:41 B.I.G. wrote: If for the sake of argument we assume that the statement "the way we love as learned, not biological" has some merit to it do you guys think the "standard" of one man, one woman, one set of kids as the set up is because we as humans tend to do that naturally or because institutions like the church started dictating it? Obviously there are millions of exceptions but as far as i know most cultures even without prior contact went for this "standard" set up.. By which I guess I mean to ask are we just brainwashed into thinking in this polygamous way or does it come natural to the human herd? most cultures? Now I'm interested... which cultures are you talking about? Most indigenous cultures in the Americas surely weren't "one man, one woman" but rather completely disconnected this kind of relationship, reproduction etc from each other completely and it had entirely different social functions. And raising the children was a community task instead of the parents task. Looking down to African native tribes were certainly mostly not "one man, one woman" either. The muslim world wasn't neither. Europe pre Christianity had enough exceptions from that rule too. I admit I'm not exactly well informed one Asian ancient history... But anyway, it seems like more than enough regions clearly went far from that general understanding that originated from Europe. | ||
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B.I.G.
3251 Posts
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Volband
Hungary6034 Posts
1. I have girl friends, though they are high-school classmates. Not sure if I could befriend a stranger. I disagree with the atrraction part. Like, one of my girl friend I'd screw in a heartbeat, but aside from me being "In love" with her 12 years ago for a few months, I never really made any attempt or even wanted to. I enjoy having another set of brains when discussing stuff, and girlf friends come quite handy when discussing girls. I'm not saying there is no way in hell we could not have sex theoretically, but the conditions would be so rare, especially without any of us wanting it to happen, that I don't worry about it. Just treat them differently. Randomly rining their bell at 11 pm with a can of beers is a no no, and you don't just watch movies together at your place. But going to the gym, having a pizza is fine imo. Like, we usually eat or drink coffee with one the girls; oh, and I always try to shop with her, because ever since I'm doing it, my wardrobe is glorious and people actually compliment my stuff. It's like having a gay friend, but instead it's a girl!!!!! 2. I don't see the decency in not screwing someone who is in a relationship. Is it my fault that this is her way of coping with their internal issues? No. Sure, don't be a snake, talk about it, and if you feel that she needs to be quasi forced into it, then drop it, but if she can't wait to sit on you, then why would you give some pep talk about how it's not right? She'd just go to the next guy then, so it's not like you became Superman and saved a relationship. Obviously, standards differ, and it is more than understandable if someone is against that or one night stands. But I would not talk about decency here. Hell yeah, Volband is so wise. | ||
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waffelz
Germany711 Posts
On August 03 2017 03:39 Volband wrote: 2. I don't see the decency in not screwing someone who is in a relationship. Is it my fault that this is her way of coping with their internal issues? No. Sure, don't be a snake, talk about it, and if you feel that she needs to be quasi forced into it, then drop it, but if she can't wait to sit on you, then why would you give some pep talk about how it's not right? She'd just go to the next guy then, so it's not like you became Superman and saved a relationship. Obviously, standards differ, and it is more than understandable if someone is against that or one night stands. But I would not talk about decency here. This is a pure personal thing of course. There is no factual obligation to keep a partner of someone else from cheating, just like you are not responsible for their relationship. You seem to focus on the cheating partner here though, what about the partner that gets cheated on? It sure is an experience I wouldn’t want to inflict on anybody. In general going through life by not inflicting on others what you don’t want to be inflicted on yourself seems like a solid strategy to me. Of course that is just my opinion, but you might give it some thought. It is a principle which most people agree with in theory, until it denies them something they want, which is very unfortunate. I believe you either tell her to step down and talk things through with her partner or you tell her she should talk to her partner because you will otherwise. The last option is a more of a must-do to me, if you are somewhat close to the one that potentially gets cheated on. Everything else is very selfish and potentially causes way more harm elsewhere then you are getting good from it. The only reliably way to judge someone’s character is by looking how he acts when he is not in danger of the backlash  | ||
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Volband
Hungary6034 Posts
Also, at that point money is the real issue. Give everyone millions of dollars (inflation doesn't exist now) and see divorce and break-up rates skyrocket once you don't rely financially on someone else. | ||
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LegalLord
United States13779 Posts
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Volband
Hungary6034 Posts
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StorrZerg
United States13922 Posts
Single again, so might try finding someone not form the dance scene this time around. What is a good thing to do to meet new people? atm going to try and work up some online profiles for tinder etc, but i've never had much luck with meeting someone online. | ||
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IgnE
United States7684 Posts
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StorrZerg
United States13922 Posts
On August 05 2017 07:47 IgnE wrote: you cant even get someone to meet with you from online? I have, just haven't had much luck with that. I'm sure better pics and bio would help me. | ||
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Ghostcom
Denmark4783 Posts
On August 05 2017 07:39 StorrZerg wrote: past year hasn't been too bad. managed to date 2 girls (each over about 2-3 months). Having a stable job, and learning how to swing dance i think has been the most helpful. (meet both of them dancing). Single again, so might try finding someone not form the dance scene this time around. What is a good thing to do to meet new people? atm going to try and work up some online profiles for tinder etc, but i've never had much luck with meeting someone online. I think Tinder at this point in time is mostly for casual sex (though it obviously might vary depending on geographical location). So if you want to meet someone with the intent of dating them perhaps an actual dating site is more fruitful? | ||
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StorrZerg
United States13922 Posts
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