EPTDating: How's your luck? - Page 938
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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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B.I.G.
3251 Posts
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NewSunshine
United States5938 Posts
Push too hard, though, and you come off as clingy and insecure with yourself, which is its own issue, and much harder to work on. | ||
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LegalLord
United States13779 Posts
On July 14 2017 07:59 Volband wrote: @LL: I guess that is being the better man. I am pretty far from that, as I clinge to every hope. You can bet your bottom that I will still fantasize about what if she actually says yes on Sunday. I don't think there was any girl in history who did not use the "let me think" line to just drop someone's ass. But then again, it's all I have. That and the thoughts of "why". I can't even say it is because of my looks, because they barely or not even came into the picture, it was all me. I'm just not sure what about me is so non-desireable that turns girls into flaky people. The biggest lie I could tell myself is that it's just some unlucky coincidence. It's of course easier said than done. I can only say that this is the right way because I've done it the wrong way enough times to see that it ends horribly. Perhaps the best way to demonstrate is by an example that probably epitomizes everything wrong you can do with a flake. There was a girl I was working with, let's call her A. I had the feeling from the start that she wasn't really a great person, but you know, she was quite charming and being human I had a hard time refusing the attention. Eventually I did ask her out, we scheduled a day, and so on. She gave a commitment to it that I should have sensed was a bit flaky, a sort of "if I don't have better things to do" that wasn't quite so crudely worded. That made things awkward, but hey - an agreement is an agreement, I wasn't about to just cancel. Being the flake that she was, she never actually followed up; I called her ten minutes before we were scheduled to meet and it was clear she hadn't thought of it and she just threw out some BS excuse on the spot. Well I think it's fair to say I was pretty mad about that, and I did what wasn't really a good idea: next time I saw her I straight up called her out on it. As is usual for a flake with little to no sense of responsibility, she gave the most "I'm not sorry" response one could imagine. Of course I wasn't really interested in making a show out of it at work (if anyone else noticed I was upset, I sure as hell never heard about it), but I was quite mad about it - and for the next six months (before that specific assignment ended) I essentially blatantly ignored her existence, even though she was clearly trying to get back on good terms with me. Of course it's hard to respect people who can't fess up to having fucked up, but honestly I shouldn't have called her out on it because that just made things a whole lot worse. I could have probably just let it go if I had known then that it's better not to be upset about that particular brand of shitty people. What I should have done was to trust my instincts from the start because they were spot on and they always are when it comes to people I've actually met. Failing that, the flakiness should have been a dead giveaway that it's over and that I should treat it as a "probably won't happen" and treat the event accordingly. Worst of all was of course calling her out on it because that accomplished nothing and made things a hell of a lot worse. Don't blame "all girls" for the bullshit of a couple of specimens from the entirety of half the human population. They are as diverse in all facets as men. Some are flaky, some are genuinely shitty people, and so on, and we've each dealt with at least a few of those kinds. The girl I was interested in right after her was every bit the upstanding, sympathetic human being that I would expect, and I could say that even though things ended badly with her as well. You just have to learn from it, after all. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
On July 14 2017 07:59 Volband wrote: @brian: two different girls, mate! I met one Tuesday night and my date was scheduled to Wednesday afternoot with the other one. The first one was not a date, but when I got the message from the other girl I just went for it: go big or go home. Or in my case, be homeless for 5 hours. If anything, those guys gained my respect. @LL: I guess that is being the better man. I am pretty far from that, as I clinge to every hope. You can bet your bottom that I will still fantasize about what if she actually says yes on Sunday. I don't think there was any girl in history who did not use the "let me think" line to just drop someone's ass. But then again, it's all I have. That and the thoughts of "why". I can't even say it is because of my looks, because they barely or not even came into the picture, it was all me. I'm just not sure what about me is so non-desireable that turns girls into flaky people. The biggest lie I could tell myself is that it's just some unlucky coincidence. @bloodwhore: 1. We had planned a date on day X. 2. She sent text saying landlord wanted to speak. She then says she can't come. 3. I tell her I don't now what now and that I would still have time that day. 4. She tells me that it's true, apologizes and move the date to a later time that day. 5. She tells me she got in contact with people who had stomach-ache or something. (this is the biggest X-file here by the way... how do you get sick in one hour? is that actually possible?) 6. She tells me she is sick but she took a pill. 7. I ask her what now. 8. She tells me she wouldn't want to infect me and I'd surely not want to see her being all tired. 9. I tell her I don't mind either. This is where I had enough start lowkey accusing her; asking her if she might be anxious about the meeting or if she wants to meet at all. 10. She gets defensive. 11. I tell her that I just don't get what is going on. 12. She tells me to just have patiance. 13. I give in. We reschedule to next Monday with an exact time and place. 14. Next day (=today) I try to strike up a conversation because I am quite afraid of things going badly and I desperately need some positive feedback from her. It dragged along more or less, then she said she has to take a nap. 15. I make a remark how I thought it's me who has sleeping issues - with smileys and what not, to not make it serious. (because taking a nap has came up about 3 times during our convos) 16. She tells me she is like this when she's sick. 17. I end the convo. 18. My brain went on. "It's not going, good Volband! We are losing her for sure. Wait, I have an idea! Ask her for a selfie! Everyone makes selfies in 2k17, and it might just show that she hadn't shut down every door from you!" 19. ~2 hours after my last message I tell her that she could send me a selfie. 20. ~3 hours later she replies with a deny. Yes, from point 9. I started melting down, but up until then I barely showed even my excitement, let alone my fears. just don't text at all lol Always Call #Problem Solved | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
And it's very hard to communicate over text, you should really keep it to the simplest stuff possible that doesn't leave space for confusion etc. not ever "strike up a conversation" when you barely know her. "love to see ya girl, are you free wednesday or Friday?" "Good See you 7pm at this common public meeting point" "Can't make it? Any other flaky stuff "No Worries, I'd love to see ya, let me know when you're free" Fin | ||
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evilfatsh1t
Australia8865 Posts
id choose text over call 9/10 times when i need to speak to a girl. its not hard to communicate through text, you just have to not be weird. if youre not socially awkward in real life then you wont be awkward when you text, and if you are socially awkward in real life calling isnt gonna do shit for you because theres nothing worse than awkward lulls in the middle of a call. also for noobs id recommend text over call anyday simply because you get to think about what you want to say before you can respond, which is extremely important for those who arent good with words. if youre bad at talking to girls and you dive into phone calls, expect to get laid a grand total of 0 times. | ||
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Volband
Hungary6034 Posts
As for the advices.... Play it cool? Is this really a lesson one have to learn in order to raise their chances in the dating scene? It is self-explanatory to me that you can't just unload yourself to everyone and expect them to like or even understand you. But I have trouble wrapping my head around the principle of playing it cool. Not only I'm not sure what exactly is cool and what crosses the line into way too cool or not cool enough, but all I did with this last girl was initiating some convos and always ending them on her terms, ie. when she said she goes to sleep, I did not bomb her with bullshit like "OH NO PLZ NO, I WANT TO TALK WITH YOU SOME MORE!". Maybe I should try to initially drop my habit of writing a lot of long-winded stuff, as it can come off scary, I could understand that. My issue with it is that it would then boil down to a simple Q&A. As for flakiness, I think the answer lies within self-esteem. You shouldn't be around anyone with that attitude. That being said, the thought of "maybe I am just overthinking this, let's stick around for a while, since she gave me some positive responses as well!" is crippling. If someone is a straight out, ice cold asshole with you, then it's a no brainer. But these girls usually give their - seemingly - earnest smile to you, seem interested occasionally, but never really want to follow through anything that could make it more serious. As for calls, some girls think it's a bit too much. Like, we are in 2017, we have smartphones and stuff, so if we agree on a date, place and time, it shouldn't require a phone number at all. Also, if someone wants to be flaky, then can be flaky through the phone as well. As for the general rule of happiness, I'd rather you not bringing that up again. On one hand, it is absolutely right, because if you are a miserable fuck cuddled up in your bed 0-24 then not having an SO will be the least of your troubles, but don't pretend everyone (not saying anyone, because there are always exceptions) can be jolly happy with life despite failing in their romantic field for years and years. To me, that sounds like some motivational speaker bullshit that infected one of my cousins. We are not even on speaking terms, because his life philosophy now consists of "be always happy; if you have negative thoughts or feelings then you are fucking up", so now he is a barely-functioning, motivation-addict husk with some splatters of personalities which remained from the past. My point is, you can be happy and not happy at the same time. Self-improvement is key, but it might not be the answer for all of our troubles. Honestly, I just don't feel I am a pleasant person to be around with. And I don't mean the negativity stuff, I don't think I complain as much irl as I might used to do. Also, before you ask, I don't pour my "woe is me" heart out in social gatherings or anything like that. What I mean now is that it's like I have this cloudy aura around me that affects how others perceive me. Well, it's nothing new, really, I am aware of this since high-school; it was part of the reason I never even tried to bother asking anyone out - and as of today, the sole reason. Not that it's a strictly dating related issue, just sayin'. Also, my mood doesn't really affect this; don't assume I always walk around with a long face. More often than not I'm quite energetic (eh, too energetic...  ), but even then it persists. Dunno why is that, but yeah, basically whenever I talk with someone I don't know or not well, I just assume I am being a bother.Aaaaanyway, I tried Tinder for the first time out of curiosity and holy shit! That is like the premium dating app - which - sadly - means it's not for me. 85% of the girls there are in their 20s, attend some higher education, look bombastic or extremely cute. Not to mention all the pictures taken abroad, during skiing, during them doing their art stuff. They are like... the perfect people or I don't know. Got three matches which went like this: 1. was a troll 2. unmatched me after I messaged her LOL 3. seemed and was normal, got along okay, but me being shorter for her was a deal-breaker. yikes! As a rebound to my soul after all of this, I messaged that girl whom I rejected ~2 weeks ago, and to my surprise, she fixed her teeth compared to what they were like on the pictures. Like, she had a few which were like grey or I don't now and it was not... pleasant, but now all white! Can't say I got much out of the event, but my head wasn't even there to begin with, so I calculated with this. She, on the other hand was quite grateful, as it was like a new world for her that a guy caters for her needs as well. Yay? Don't know, as much as I initially thought a year ago that it is some rocket science level of skillset that is needed to satisfy a girl, it really is quite simple. Basically all my success "in bed" is due to me doing what they either - indirectly - ask me to do, or just continue doing something which they enjoy. Man, if I eventually manage to put myself together in a way I can finally net an actual girlfriend, she will be real lucky in the sex area at least! Not now, though, as this chapter of "Volband goes big, this time for real no. 4" ended with a rather anti-climatic failure. The next time I attempt to hijack this thread, I'm gonna make sure it is for something worthy, something that actually has any basis for a possible success. Yep, you guessed it right: a SECOND date with someone! | ||
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
As for the phone thing. I think texting is perfectly fine for setting up dates. All women do not like texting which I have witnessed myself and was most likely one reason for me fucking up with a girl. I also think that some things can come out wrong on text. Just use logic when a call is required and when text is fine. I agree with you that that you dont have to be perfectly happy by yourself. The goal of life itself is literally to populate the earth. I like being by myself but I would still love to have a girlfriend, and sometimes you can definitely be unhappy since you have not had a relationship. The solution here is just don't listen to these instagram people who considers themselves "life influencers" or whatever. As for the you not being a pleasant person. Everyone do not "match" or click. Lem0n usually encourages people to date a lot of women and for you I think that is wise as well. If you think you're a bit odd or whatever, you might have to go through more than the average person to find someone who loves you. As for tinder, matching and getting dates for women online andis so much easier. If you can't take rejections for seemingly "nothing" don't use the app. However, that is the way of the game in tinder. Once you know the game of tinder it is pretty easy to find dates. I've met up with 25 girls from there since I've started. Furthermore, everyone has their most unique pictures in order to stand out. | ||
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waffelz
Germany711 Posts
On July 18 2017 20:54 Volband wrote: Man, if I eventually manage to put myself together in a way I can finally net an actual girlfriend, she will be real lucky in the sex area at least! Not now, though, as this chapter of "Volband goes big, this time for real no. 4" ended with a rather anti-climatic failure. The next time I attempt to hijack this thread, I'm gonna make sure it is for something worthy, something that actually has any basis for a possible success. Yep, you guessed it right: a SECOND date with someone! Yo, you are the lifeline of this thread, don't be discouraged to post. I don't mind you hijacking  As for the pictures on social media/dating apps: those pictures are as bloodwhore said the most "unique" or rather most disingenuous pictures you will ever find. Not to start a big philosophical debate, but basically the goal of a lot of people on social media of any form is to promote an image of themselves that is what they would like to be like, but nothing like they actually are, extremely spoken. I observed that shit a lot throughout the rise of social media with the people around me that I know to some extent. When I check there social media profiles, I can’t help but think “bitch, you are nothing like that” while I use bitch here as a unisex word. These pictures are literally advertisements at best and straight up fraud at worst. And as much as I hate men-woman comparisons, but I learned that when it comes to false realities and dishonest pictures, women have perfected the art of deception throughout a generations long process. Men getting there, but women are still far ahead. You also shouldn’t compare your life to the life of others, especially if your only references are very small parts of their life. I believe that’s what started this whole epidemic and almost everyone who takes part in it loses in the end. Plus everyone sees things differently, even though I can’t bring myself to apply lemons advice of dating as much women as possible for myself, it seems to be the most successful. No matter how shitty you feel, even when you are objectively a piece of shit, somehow there always seems to be someone who still enjoys your company, it is “only” about to find them (and hoping that you enjoy theirs as well  ). If you need more convincing, I can spill out tons of anecdotes about fake lives on social media. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
On July 18 2017 20:54 Volband wrote: Play it cool? Is this really a lesson one have to learn in order to raise their chances in the dating scene? It is self-explanatory to me that you can't just unload yourself to everyone and expect them to like or even understand you. But I have trouble wrapping my head around the principle of playing it cool. Not only I'm not sure what exactly is cool and what crosses the line into way too cool or not cool enough, but all I did with this last girl was initiating some convos and always ending them on her terms, ie. when she said she goes to sleep, I did not bomb her with bullshit like "OH NO PLZ NO, I WANT TO TALK WITH YOU SOME MORE!". Maybe I should try to initially drop my habit of writing a lot of long-winded stuff, as it can come off scary, I could understand that. My issue with it is that it would then boil down to a simple Q&A. ! No worries man dating flaky girls is a higher level difficulty only experienced daters have mastered (it's possible butyou have to be very firm | ||
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Danglars
United States12133 Posts
On July 18 2017 20:54 Volband wrote: Honestly, I just don't feel I am a pleasant person to be around with. And I don't mean the negativity stuff, I don't think I complain as much irl as I might used to do. Also, before you ask, I don't pour my "woe is me" heart out in social gatherings or anything like that. What I mean now is that it's like I have this cloudy aura around me that affects how others perceive me. Well, it's nothing new, really, I am aware of this since high-school; it was part of the reason I never even tried to bother asking anyone out - and as of today, the sole reason. Not that it's a strictly dating related issue, just sayin'. Also, my mood doesn't really affect this; don't assume I always walk around with a long face. More often than not I'm quite energetic (eh, too energetic... ), but even then it persists. Dunno why is that, but yeah, basically whenever I talk with someone I don't know or not well, I just assume I am being a bother.Aaaaanyway, I tried Tinder for the first time out of curiosity and holy shit! That is like the premium dating app - which - sadly - means it's not for me. Sounds like you have some unaddressed behavior problems that you haven't fixed since high school. Your method of describing yourself tells me it isn't as much of an embedded part of your personality as something you can change. Be brave enough to take steps to be more kind to others and more pleasant in conversations. Smile. Become interested in the goings on of friends and acquaintances and follow up. Nobody really wants to date a wet blanket. And don't assume you're being a bother. Just don't ramble on if that's a problem for you. | ||
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SoSexy
Italy3725 Posts
3 years ago I dated a girl for a couple months - things were really intense, especially in bed, but we didn't push the thing further mainly because I had to leave for abroad for a study period. We had some frictions because she hates drinking and smoking and I do both, but nothing too serious. Fast forward to this summer, I saw her at this club where I usually go. After that night, I wrote her and we texted for like 3 hours. The same thing happened the following week and she confessed many things - how she is not happy with her boyfriend, how her sexual drive has disappeared, how she prefers a boring relationship over being alone etc. She confessed how she'd like a relationship with me and things went a bit too far and she wrote 'you still owe me one in bed'. After a couple weeks, she came to my house to talk. Her boyfriend did not know this. She came and we actually just talked. Her previous version disappeared - she said she was not interested in me and preferred her calm, cold, boring life (her words). She said that she did not mean those things and that she does not like me. I don't understand such a turnover and, actually, I do not know what to do. I tried being nice, I tried disappearing, I wrote her a song (I'm a musician and probably going to tour my country this fall). Yesterday I was at the same club and today I saw from the pictures that she was also there, but somehow I didn't notice. It hurts. If she told me from the beginning 'f*** off', I would have got i.t But this dichotomy makes me feel like I have some cards to play but I just do not know how. | ||
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Blisse
Canada3710 Posts
She told you she wasn't interested because she changed her mind about what she said to you when she "confessed", she doesn't actually want to have a relationship with you, and she doesn't want you to continue to have the wrong idea about her current relationship and her interest in you. You don't have cards to play, she said yes, changed her mind, and is telling you now, no. | ||
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B.I.G.
3251 Posts
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SoSexy
Italy3725 Posts
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farvacola
United States18857 Posts
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
On July 28 2017 17:26 SoSexy wrote: Never thought I would post here again but oh well. Need some outside opinions. 3 years ago I dated a girl for a couple months - things were really intense, especially in bed, but we didn't push the thing further mainly because I had to leave for abroad for a study period. We had some frictions because she hates drinking and smoking and I do both, but nothing too serious. Fast forward to this summer, I saw her at this club where I usually go. After that night, I wrote her and we texted for like 3 hours. The same thing happened the following week and she confessed many things - how she is not happy with her boyfriend, how her sexual drive has disappeared, how she prefers a boring relationship over being alone etc. She confessed how she'd like a relationship with me and things went a bit too far and she wrote 'you still owe me one in bed'. After a couple weeks, she came to my house to talk. Her boyfriend did not know this. She came and we actually just talked. Her previous version disappeared - she said she was not interested in me and preferred her calm, cold, boring life (her words). She said that she did not mean those things and that she does not like me. I don't understand such a turnover and, actually, I do not know what to do. I tried being nice, I tried disappearing, I wrote her a song (I'm a musician and probably going to tour my country this fall). Yesterday I was at the same club and today I saw from the pictures that she was also there, but somehow I didn't notice. It hurts. If she told me from the beginning 'f*** off', I would have got i.t But this dichotomy makes me feel like I have some cards to play but I just do not know how. I guess she just wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side and decided it wasn't. Even if you did have some cards left to play, would you really want to go for a girl who meets up with another guy while she is in a relationship with another guy? Do you share her view on relationships? What if she starts one with you and thinks its decent and never says anything? Would you be okay with that? | ||
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SoSexy
Italy3725 Posts
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
On July 28 2017 19:58 SoSexy wrote: Some background is missing obviously. The general idea is that (sources: herself and some of her girl friends) she is staying with this guy because she met him when she was having some problems and feels more comfortable than being alone. Additionally, they are not having sex anymore - how normal is that? And she loved sex. I think that during the last years she changed strangely - she was full of energy while now she says things like 'I'm cold now and it's better, noone can hurt you if you close yourself to everyone' o.O I still think that's the wrong way to go about it for her. If she is interested in another partner she should first break up with the guy, then start look for another partner. Not do some kind of weird transition from one bad relationship to another relationship. I personally wouldn't trust a person like that. Furthermore, I get the sense that you think you can "save" her if you just become a couple. That kinda feels like a dangerous thought to me. | ||
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B.I.G.
3251 Posts
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