Ask an autistic

I hated it. The only reason I hadn't dropped out sooner was because I was afraid of retribution from my grandmother, who had made fairly unpredictable and destructive actions in the past. Eventually, the constant (daily) harassment from my peers and the overall boredom got to me. I spent most of my time in classes sleeping. I only did work on tests/exams which was enough to just scarcely pass. I never really learned anything. I wanted to pursue my writing and modding. So, eventually the pressure was enough to take the risk.



Not ignorant at all, I've been asked this question before.

It is far easier to communicate with people over the internet. I am an extremely shy person normally and extremely emotionally sensitive. It is much easier for me to consider responses through text. Even then, though, I have a very short temper and have made far too many hasty decisions out of such emotion in the past. I don't know when to keep my mouth shut or when to let something go.

I am extremely prone to anxiety attacks. This comes in several forms. One is through a sensation in my chest. Like your muscles are clenching. This gets worse and worse and can be triggered by anything. The anxiety can mount very fast and completely cripple my ability to function at all. I attribute most of my difficulty in making progress in my work due to non-stop anxiety attacks. They often become extremely painful. If this occurs on the internet I can choose to just go to sleep. When this occurs in person it just freezes me and I curl up into a mental ball.

Although I can read people in person and understand them, I often say things different than what I mean to say. Communication is not impossible, but challenging. Over text or over vent it's much easier.



I think they are very lucky, as their fame will grant them opportunities people like me will never have. At the same time I pity them. I wouldn't wish conditions like mine upon my worst enemy.



Learning is amongst the greatest challenges I have in life, next to focusing.

I have been doing 3d graphics for nearly 10 years and my progression has been extremely slow and painful. Most 3d artists I know who have worked for <2 years are already capable of making Blizzard-quality CGI kind of stuff or at least very close. All of them have moved on to commercial work. A few of them stopped such work and pursued other things.

One of my most painful experiences was knowing someone who was into composing music. He was very good at it. Academically good, that is. But he had no aspirations. He didn't want to do anything with it. He dropped it and took up programming for a while. He kind of dropped off the face of the Earth, got a girlfriend, and went on to live his life. I still wish I had his abilities. I struggled for years to pick up music composition. I reach a dead-end wall and it feels as though the wall's upper surface is completely out of view. I don't know how to scale the wall, much less how to surpass it.

In my early years it wasn't so bad. I was young, and my spirit carried me through hardship. But as time passed it became increasingly hard to process subjects.

In my head I can imagine the grandest symphony. The most vivid of images. But bringing them to life is extremely hard. I can watch video tutorials and perform an action, but the information won't process properly. Learning is tremendously challenging and I still don't really have a way of getting around this problem. It has been an ongoing struggle to break into advanced subjects.

Needless to say, reading/watching and performing doesn't work for me. I'm still trying to learn how to learn, if that makes any sense.



Thanks bro.



Ah... a big two-fold question.

Inspiration;

I draw inspiration from my dreams. I explained this a bit in my earlier blogs. My imagination is most powerful, and I have ways of partly influencing what dreams I will have. To me, many dreams are more real than the real world. I can smell, taste, and touch. They can last a very long time. Some dreams, even daydreams, are powerful enough for me to draw ideas and imagery from. Much of my primary writing universe, the one my biggest novel is based on, is derived from dreams. For me it is easy to snap my fingers and come up with characters, technology, worlds... but dreams are entirely different.

The second thing I draw inspiration from is music.

To me, sound is the most powerful form of communication possible. I think in drones or vibrations, particularly those of a violin.

In my early years I listened to a lot of music, and I used music as a means to help empower my writing. I would play music that fit the mood of my writing to help shape my thoughts and keep me focused. As time passed I needed to depend more and more on music to function. Nowadays, if I don't have music going, I literally cannot process information at all. My mind will deadlock over and over again and I'll be all hurr durr trying to figure out simple stuff like finishing eating or drinking or even getting up to go piss.

My dreams are filled with sound and music. If I could even bring a part of a dream into reality...



I dream every 2-3 nights. Most of them are horrific and I repress them as a result.

When I hit a wall in learning I almost always end up giving up. I usually can never break past it in months and months. I figure it's best to just avoid pushing against an impassable barrier and getting my hopes up for nothing. Only in extremely rare instances can I learn something I'm after, and usually that information doesn't stick or I don't know what's going on and I end up just facerolling things.

Which is kind of funny because most things I know in regards to modding, especially brood war, were self-taught through the old method of trial and error. I'd push for something, it would fail, and I would keep trying different ways of doing it if I could see any other means. Due to the limitations of BW most of what I wanted to do was always impossible regardless, but some things, like those I demonstrated in Armageddon Onslaught, turned out to be possible, either unexpectedly easily or through a lot of experimenting. Armageddon Onslaught had two design phases, both of which ended up getting stretched out for extremely lengthy periods due to difficulty in keeping focused/motivated.

When my lack of focus runs into difficulty learning 99% of the time it results in me dropping a project.



Perhaps the most powerful/symbolic of music I use to help me write may catch you off guard.








No sir. Never even considered touching drugs or alcohol. Likely never will. I kind of wished I could drop into a life of alcoholism and wash all of life's sorrows away... but yeah.



Haven't have been in another country yet I have learned to despise Canada. Our local health care is absolutely horrible. My time with mental health care basically consisted of me asking for help and them saying "lolnope bye". Extremely outdated views on digital technology, and (at least over here) extremely bad drivers and very high levels of crime... yeah. I mean, it's probably nothing new to most people, but I think canada is overhyped. At least our stance on copyright is so lazily upheld that people like me can get along without any worries.

In my eyes you can depend on canada to be lazy. This can be beneficial or detrimental. Depends on what you want.



I have never considered a relationship. From the start I knew I would never mix with people and have never given consideration to such a thing. I believe I have avoided a great deal of heartache and humiliation by doing so, even though most normal people would consider abstaining from relationships a death sentence. When I was very young I had outlandish hopes for one day meeting a girl... but I knew better than to ever entertain those hopes.

As for the origin of my name, Iskatu and Mesk are two different space fleets belonging to a race from my largest novel, Throne of Armageddon. Iskatu is an ancient fleet. Old and proud, resembling fortitude and enduring strength. Mesk is a new fleet, born in a time of trouble and strife. Together they are symbolized as the ultimate fighting force.



When I was young I said to myself, "I am prepared for a life of being alone. I want to be alone. So, I shall be."

Only a year ago did the loneliness really get to me. It torments me in my dreams enough that it can disrupt entire days, leaving me questioning my past decisions to choose the life of solitude. However, I know full well that my personality doesn't mix with anyone, and that any attempts to have pursued a relationship with anyone would have been folly.

There was one instance where I considered talking to a girl I did not know (at school) but my experiences had taught me that I simply don't mix with people. My temper, my morals, my views are so dramatically different than anyone elses that such a relationship, even if it had started, would have crashed and burned horrifically. I am such a person to hold grudges and regrets for an extremely long period of time (my entire life). If I had attempted this relationship I would have regretted it far more than I regret having turned away from society entirely.

That was a year or so before I dropped out of school which was quite a long time ago now. I have had no prolonged social contact outside of brief periods with one friend (that I met over the internet lololol) since then.



This is the great conundrum. What could have been, what might have been, what should have been... to consider this question we must consider many different sides of the possible paths that might have taken.

Has my time been well-spent to date? No. That is because of personal failure.

Could it have been well-spent? Yes. If I was capable of learning and focusing I could have created grand things in the past 7-9 years of my time alone. I could have finished my life's work (my novel) and more. I could have completed what I felt to be the purpose in my life. Yet such was not to be. At every turn I have failed to do what I should have been able to do.

If it weren't for my condition I do believe I would have still dropped out and chosen a life of solitude. My disdain for people is strong enough that I believe the condition is not solely to blame. My experiences with people have for the vast majority been extremely negative. All major social events I can recall in my head were negative. As much as I was the proverbial goat that loves to lick the electric fence, I eventually learned to hate pain and anger, and I turned away from people. I do not regret this decision.

But did this enable me to do what I want? It would have. But it didn't. It didn't because I failed.



I have tried no work and turned down all monetary requests for things like voice acting. I don't want to work. I don't want to invest energy into other people's work. I currently live on disability. As for the future... as far as I am concerned I have no future. I never had a future. Financially this is as good as things will ever get. $400 a month, most of which is spent on food and minor stuff like keeping my hardware up to date and meeting the demands of other odd jobs.

If, for example, my grandmother was to have a heart attack and die or something horrible like that my life would effectively be over. There is no way I could live on my own. It's just not possible. I don't function with people and don't want to. Life that difficult is just simply not worth living to me.



No problem.



What's holding me back? The biggest reason of them all - I don't feel I need anyone. I don't want anyone. The second reason - I'll never find someone compatible with me anyways.



Finishing my novel, Throne of Armageddon. Nothing would please me greater.



Why would I find someone compatible with me? I think that is more foolish to consider. A social retard like me walks outside and into a bar...? Well, I guess that would be a good way to end up in a situation you've never encountered before. In a bloody heap on the side of the road, in jail, or somewhere in Mexico a week later with no pants and no recollection of your past life.

No, really. I don't understand this mindset at all. It's impossible for me to conceive of being able to socialize with anyone for extended periods of time. Even people who know me well get very tired of me very fast.



Eh. I hear this every now and then. I lived optimistically a long time ago but I figured that optimism is just the road to disappointment. As long as you expect disappointment you can't be disappointed, right? (unless something really catches you off guard, like sc2's engine... but sometimes you just can't prepare I guess.)

I don't like to think of things statistically. Again, that raises expectations. I can't say to myself, "well statistically speaking this could happen". I'm setting myself up for major fail if I do that. I've done it too many times.

So, yeah. I've given up.



What is the context of "close"? Like, friend close? I talk to a fair number of people related to the old modding community and such. But close as in the subjects I'm talking about in this thread? Extremely few, and I have never talked about relationships this much. I feel I take a big personal risk by answering these questions up-front. I run the risk of offending someone and getting into another shitstorm about it. Sometimes I am too open about my opinions. Most people do not agree with them or see things my way. This makes people very angry.

So, no, I'm not really really close to anyone online.



Yes, it doesn't take autism or other disabilities to screw a growing child if he ends up in the wrong crowd growing up.

Understand that the difference between talking to people over text, or even using vent, is monumentally different to me than in person. In person I am completely different. You could never get me to speak a word of any of these things in person. It's just not possible for me to say them the way I am typing them out.

To me, the events taking place on the computer, because I spend my entire waking day doing things on the computer, are so interlinked with my mental world and so largely automated that they don't even register to me physically anymore. I can force myself to stay up for very long periods of time (multiple days) because I can detach myself completely from the physical world through music and "motion". For example, when I was writing a lot, I would force myself to stay up for very, very long periods of time just entranced in writing and thinking and writing and thinking...

Don't consider this a "mechanical" or academic approach to writing. It's a very different approach... I consume myself in the energy of thought and allow physical sensations to bleed out.

In person I can't do anything like that. I hallucinate frequently now, I can't even trust my own eyes half the time as I'm walking around. Shadows move, things flash, you see shapes... the real world to me is now the dream, and the dream world real. Or some other philosophical garbage like that.

To me, it's impossible to conceive of things that most normal people conceive them. I've tried to break away from my perspective and think of things "externally", by assuming the mindset of someone with a different point of view. I do this in mod design mostly, to try to imagine how other people would perceive elements of immersion (Black Sun Episode 0's music choices is a readily available example).

See, it's hard me to word this in a way in which I can reliable expect you to understand. So, I try to conceive things from your perspective and approach from that end, so that I can word my logic in a way that makes more sense to you.

In a statistical world, there is always the probability of something happening like being able to find a compatible girlfriend. My logic tells me, "So, what? That's like saying there's a statistical possibility I could find a financial goldmine somewhere in Russia and be set for life just by waving my arms around enthusiastically and selling some crazy new pleasure device. It doesn't matter because there are no circumstances that can lead to fulfilling the requirements of attaining X or N outcome."

My personality and mindset are unique. They are shaped by years of hardship and dealing with things on a very person, very emotional level. Thus, I am very passionate about things I personally have had experience with, or personally believe in. This makes me a very disagreeable person, and a very rigid person. No one I know can agree with me wholly on any given subject. Any relationship I walked into, even if it seems workable, would be stable for long. Any rift that forms between myself and others can only grow. The end result would be regretting having instigated such a situation in the first place. Then I would feel even more like shit.

The optimistic person would say, "well this could still work out!"

Optimism told me that, when I started the UDK project, I had the potential to get started. I knew enough basic modeling skills to create fundamental architecture for getting the project off the ground. I had other stuff accounted for, even partly tested. I was really prepared to start work on something quite major.

I never started. I never had the spine to pick up the basic grunt work and hammer out something to work with. Fear and loathing crushed my spirit instantly and nothing became of it, despite weeks, if not months, of preparing myself and accounting for things such as this. I just don't function like other people do. I can't handle things like other people can.

I don't know how to word things like this very well, so I hope at least some of it was understandable for you.



Morals... are a hard thing to describe. Let's put it this way.

Person A: I want to work hard in school so I can get a good job and make some money to support a family.

Me: Why do I want to work for someone else? Why am I slaving away so someone higher up in the food chain can make someone even higher up on the food chain even richer? I'd rather pursue my own dreams. Even if it costs me financial success in the long run. I do not desire a family.

Person A: Parties are important to me for social occasions and having fun.

Me: More like waking up in a puddle of puke and feeling a hangover for the rest of the day.

Just two really generic examples. You'll find the odd person who agrees with me on this or that subject... but I've been in enough internet e-penis stroking contests to know that I can argue with anyone on just about anything (and generally make an idiot out of myself in doing so). Certain subjects I feel extremely strongly about given personal experiences. With my temper this makes me very disagreeable.

The single time I was involved with sports, when I was very young, a ref gave me a yellow flag in soccer for a reason I'll never understood. My gut instinct for this action was to shout "You're a dumb bitch". Yeah. That was my last association with sports of any nature.

I have a tendency to act before I think despite trying to condition myself otherwise and despite suffering, sometimes enormously, because of this. Self-control has waned a lot over the years. This leads to very strange and very dramatic actions for almost no reason at all (at least to the viewer). I look back to these actions and laugh sometimes, but really they aren't funny. In person I have physically attacked people for less than disagreeing with me. I am everything I have come to hate now.



This is a very long story I don't really have all the information for or care to recite. I talked a little bit about it in Dear November. Basically, my bloodline is what I like to call "cursed". They're all a little... off. My mother is some crazy wench and my dad is an alcoholic who, apparently, is/was wanted for drug possession/dealing. I've never seen my father in my life, but I have evesdropped on conversations/been told that my mother tried to get my grandmother to kill me in my sleep.

My mother did not want me so my grandmother took me when I was extremely young. I get the feeling she regrets it, because two bads (mother/father) don't make a "good". Although I am now helping to financially support her now through my disability, I know that she regrets having taken me now.

I can't think of many good things to say about my childhood. Any memory I try to recall right now is very bad. My grandmother was always under the stout belief that I was normal or that I just had ADHD. Before junior high I bounced between almost as many schools as grades. Almost every experience was terrible. As I said, I went into more detail in Dear November about this. Ultimately, at the end of the road of childhood, a series of coincidences introduced me to Starcraft when it first came out. Starcraft helped shape me to what I was today by giving me a foundation to live my fantasies of creation with.

I have never seen my father in my life. They decided to have a second kid for some reason, my sister. I think she's about 18 right now. She already has a kid with a 28 year old who is currently in prison for nearly killing a woman they were boarding with in an apartment. Yeah. A real winner this family is.

My grandmother is a crazy evangelical nutjob. We get into arguments very often. She claims in 2012 I will be judged and go to hell. I laugh. That's about all I can do. I've given up trying to explain anything to her. As far as we're concerned, we live entirely separate lives with the only mutual benefit being me living here in exchange for paying rent.



I don't believe there is a cure to something like this. Maybe it's because I am severe case or because circumstancial events landed me in a grand shithole of a situation. I like to think of what you speak of as behavioral conditioning.

If I were to take a swing at this I would say that yes, my history has helped shaped me to what I am today. If it weren't for my innumerable negative experiences with people I might have considered finishing high school despite it not teaching me anything. But it wouldn't have changed my decision to avoid work. So I can't tell you how having a supportive/informed family might have changed things. Maybe I'd be a lot further than I am right now. Maybe you'd never have heard of me.

I can only speculate... but speculation usually makes me depressed.



You want the honest reason? Because my physical health has been rapidly declining in the last few months and with the recent topic about that 12 year old "autistic savant", I thought I would do what I had considered for months now - making a Q&A topic about the subject of my life.

I wanted to make a video biography but I know I'd never get around to it. I'd be just lying to myself if I said I could pull off that kind of a project.



1 - It used to bother me but I learned to live with this knowledge. You can't afford to let these things scare you. You live day by day and take things as they come. You can't make plans for this or that because they are never what you expected.

2 - No, I don't. I just have to hope nothing happens before I am able to finish my work here.

3 - No, I have no desire to bother. All associations with people and the health care have ended negatively and there's no reason to think that there could be any other outcome. I accepted this a long time ago. I wish I was rich. If I was rich all of life's problems would melt away, yes? Ah, if only...



I don't get why people think exercise magically makes you feel better. On multiple occasions I took this advice and did regular gym work. It only made me feel worse. I always found it unbearably boring as well. Yes, I've done the whole exercise with music/tv/ect. routine as well as the scheduled gym routine. In one last effort to prove this theory right I bought weights a year ago and forced myself into a regular weight lifting routine. Nothing big, just to get start. Well, it was the same old story as the others. It just doesn't work for me bro.



I was harassed nearly daily in both grade school and high school. Only during the last year of high school, after I had gotten into a number of physical confrontations, did I have days of on and off peace. School was horrible. People didn't know/care I was autistic. Just the mere fact I was "different" singled me out. My grade school was full of physical violence as a result from my temper being tested time and time again. Junior high was me forcing myself into a mental shell and sleeping the world away as it did all it could to destroy me. Senior high was just a depressing nothingness with no purpose or meaning. Schools, at least public schools, seem so utterly pointless to me.



Yes. Disappointment leads to the train stopping dead in its tracks and all things related to a total crash and burn. Life up to this point has been a string of disappointments after disappointments. I'd much prefer to stop being disappointed by expecting things that won't happen/work out.

I made plans to mod Sc2. Sc2 turned out into the worst-case scenario for custom content. Engine is horrible. Editor was rushed out last-minute. No mod or campaign support, only heavy-handed map support. My expectations for sc2 were that it was going to suck but at least it would be workable. I expected too much out of Blizzard. I was greatly disappointed. Three years of plotting and planning a total waste of time. It was best I just continued my work elsewhere and made my judgement before making plans in an anticipation of this or that happening. I worked myself up for nothing. Colossal waste of effort and time and left me feeling nothing but bitter.



Never watched it, no sir. I don't really consistently watch anything. The last, most recent series I watched was babylon 5 a few years ago. Even if something appeals to me I have a very hard time sticking to it. Be it movies or tv series or even reading, which I did quite used to enjoy a decade back, I can't force myself to stick to them. It's something I would like to see in the future if I ever understand what the hell is wrong with me and figure out how to defeat it.

The best of my abilities? My writing and design. I feel writing is the most important foundation for any and all ventures of media. I have spent my entire life building my worlds and all of my custom content or media projects have been based on them one way or another. Whether it's to entertain, to get a message across, or just to translate thoughts into life, my writing is nothing special but it's the strongest of my talents by far.

Next to that would be my voice acting and sound engineering. I find all that malice and anger I have built into my head can be formed into a potent voice for villains. I seem to know just what to say and when to say it to inspire the greatest emotional response. Do you find that ironic? You should. In fact, that should be the greatest irony of them all. I can't communicate with people properly but I know how to stir their hearts...



Late... depends. Usually it just annoys me. When people don't do stuff they say they'll do it drives me insane. I had this happen a lot in wc3 and just decided to drop the entire concept of teams for projects and work on a process of outsourcing to people I know well. I figure that if you aren't 100% sure you aren't going to be able to do something then you should say that. Saying you're going to do something and then not doing it is just making people expect something that won't come. It's a pox upon modders. I am responsible for too much of this myself.



I have two cats right now.



The chances are zero. You can look at my previous blogs if you want. There is no way I can magically prove to you this or that and nor do I feel it is necessary. If I was capable of writing consistently I wouldn't be making blogs. I'd be working on my novels.



I posted a part of it somewhere...

http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?topic_id=173876

About 1/2 way down the page.

I don't plan to publish the novel or make it public. I have a paranoia about plagiarism, one that was realized in the production of Armageddon Onslaught when people were stealing hand-made assets out of it.



Currently? None. Back in beta, before diamond showed up I was in like 42nd platinum or something like that. I stopped playing ladder as I got bored of sc2 pretty fast. In the past 5 months I've played maybe a dozen games, only one or two of those standard melee.



Does it seem that way? I've never cared for physical health. I figured if I can write or do whatever, then my physical health is fine. CTS and arthritis make that difficult. So I give my hand some time to heal (months). Then I try again. I invested into a new seating arrangement to alleviate pressure on my wrist and a new keyboard for my left hand when doing stuff in max and such that require a lot of holding down keys.

I wish I had enough pizza-pops to pave a road... or any at all. I could sure use the sugar right about now.

I'm not really overweight, but I have extremely high blood pressure and arrhythmia (erratic heart beat). My grandmother has the latter problem as well and is on blood thinners and some other things for it.

I am not a believer that physical health can influence mental health unless something serious is happening, like a major disease or injury. I am lucky enough to have neither for now. I don't care enough about the long-term future I don't have to bother with exercise or other things, as they serve me no immediate result except for wasting precious time better spent trying to write or work on a project. As far as I'm concerned, if I had the focus to do regular exercise I have the focus to work on my novel. Only the novel means anything to me in this spectrum. All of my efforts to give myself an exercise routine were miserable and wasted effort.



I hope I'm not setting up the wrong image of myself by presenting this blog and the related information. Although I am cynical and pessimistic I know well what I am capable of and what I am not capable of. I know that if given the opportunity I could excel in specific areas, such as my writing or my sound work. But I also know that I have failed every given opportunity presented to do anything more than present concepts or examples of things I'd like to do larger than what I have shown you today and in the past few years. I also know that the depressive feedback from being optimistic is one of the more destructive aspects of my psychology.

Expecting any outcome other than failure is usually a very bad idea for me. Obstacles that one would consider simple generally turn out to be impossible for me to perform even if statistically or logically speaking I have the skillset and capability to clear them. I just don't work the same way other people do in that respect.



This is the way I thought a long time ago. Expectations and optimism are much the same thing for me. I see optimism as expecting something out of factors that I don't know yet. Optimism is saying, "I am happy because I did this and I think/know I can do that". But I can't do that. Even if it's not even a logical step, and just a repetition of something I have performed before, or something that has happened before. My optimism has always proven to be poorly founded.

I realize that this is probably a flaw in my character and not really attributable to any given disability. But that doesn't mean I can correct it any easier.



Eh... humans are a rather dull lot if you ask me. All I want to do is bring my dreams to life for myself. The rest of your statement makes sense though.



I came to the same conclusion a while ago. It's why I chose to uptake the Black Sun: Salvation project. I was going insane because I had secluded myself entirely from modding/custom content design. I told myself that it was foolish to attempt a project when I knew I could never finish it. A few months of this made me insane. After a while I said to myself, "You can attempt the project in the knowledge it won't be finished, but don't beat yourself up when you come to the conclusion you can't work anymore. Work for the moment."

My endgame for Black Sun was/is to inspire myself to start writing again. If I can achieve that... things will be back on track.



Well I can tell you that prescription drugs did utterly nothing for me, and none of my suicide attempts were successful... but yeah. Expectation comes naturally. So what I do is shield myself from events where I would end up with expectations for myself. Then I directly avoid the inevitable failure of meeting those expectations and being met with disappointment.



I lol'd

I'm the kind of person who tries to rewrite the game. Tries to make things his way. Since long before I knew of the internet, back in console gaming. The same was true with life. I learned, though, that life is a very cruel server. There's inherent input latency and the mobs all have rigged stats. Drop rates for gear seem to have been removed entirely.

I have been fighting this god-awful fight for as long as I can remember. One battle to the next. Determinism is can work, but only if you possess the capacity to make change. I apparently do not. What can I do? Nothing? I cannot see things the way you see them. Although I try, I can never quite grasp that kind of a mindset. My logic will tell me that it's easier for people to say such things on the other side of the fence. The grass is always greener and all that.

At least for me, optimism has to be built from success to have any chance of getting anywhere. I have to actually succeed at something to feel any good about it. I haven't succeeded in anything for a very long time.

That was more a ramble/rant than a reply I think.



I like that gentleman who's all sneaky-like hidden in the middle rear. You can just barely see him, but his one visible eye is set square on you. That bro's plannin' somethin'. You don't know what he's hiding back there.



Damnit, you're going to get me grinding again aren't you.




I hope to one day be able to do this. A few of my past dreams have been lucid... but the lucidity was "accidental" I suppose. The dreams destabilize very fast if this happens and I usually end up waking up.



A few. A great deal of my world has been inspired by very vivid and powerful dreams. Some very lengthy. Many beautiful beyond worlds. Stars, nebula, planets, galaxies, entire fleets... as though everything you have ever fought for in your life suddenly sprung to life within your hands. They are rare dreams. But they have happened. They can be pivotal in triggering an action later on when I am awake, like writing again. It has happened before. Black Sun is an effort to stir such dreams into returning to me. I have indeed been partly successful. Not enough to write again... but enough to know I am on the right track. I have to keep with it.

The nightmares have been there since I was very young. As long as I have dreamed they have been filled with anguish and madness.