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On March 29 2011 11:54 Sinensis wrote:
Have you ever tried cannabis?
edit : Hells yes. 404th post.
No sir. Never even considered touching drugs or alcohol. Likely never will. I kind of wished I could drop into a life of alcoholism and wash all of life's sorrows away... but yeah.
On March 29 2011 12:02 Kojak21 wrote:
What do u think of canada?? isnt it awsome?
Haven't have been in another country yet I have learned to despise Canada. Our local health care is absolutely horrible. My time with mental health care basically consisted of me asking for help and them saying "lolnope bye". Extremely outdated views on digital technology, and (at least over here) extremely bad drivers and very high levels of crime... yeah. I mean, it's probably nothing new to most people, but I think canada is overhyped. At least our stance on copyright is so lazily upheld that people like me can get along without any worries.
In my eyes you can depend on canada to be lazy. This can be beneficial or detrimental. Depends on what you want.
On March 29 2011 12:02 Murderotica wrote:
What is your love life like? I hope this isn't too personal, but I'm really looking for details - issues you have with approaching women, how you overcome them, previous experience, anything you feel comfortable sharing.
Also, what is the origin of your name?
I have never considered a relationship. From the start I knew I would never mix with people and have never given consideration to such a thing. I believe I have avoided a great deal of heartache and humiliation by doing so, even though most normal people would consider abstaining from relationships a death sentence. When I was very young I had outlandish hopes for one day meeting a girl... but I knew better than to ever entertain those hopes.
As for the origin of my name, Iskatu and Mesk are two different space fleets belonging to a race from my largest novel, Throne of Armageddon. Iskatu is an ancient fleet. Old and proud, resembling fortitude and enduring strength. Mesk is a new fleet, born in a time of trouble and strife. Together they are symbolized as the ultimate fighting force.
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Vatican City State2594 Posts
On March 29 2011 12:10 IskatuMesk wrote:Show nested quote +On March 29 2011 11:54 Sinensis wrote:
Have you ever tried cannabis?
edit : Hells yes. 404th post. No sir. Never even considered touching drugs or alcohol. Likely never will. I kind of wished I could drop into a life of alcoholism and wash all of life's sorrows away... but yeah. Show nested quote +On March 29 2011 12:02 Kojak21 wrote:
What do u think of canada?? isnt it awsome? Haven't have been in another country yet I have learned to despise Canada. Our local health care is absolutely horrible. My time with mental health care basically consisted of me asking for help and them saying "lolnope bye". Extremely outdated views on digital technology, and (at least over here) extremely bad drivers and very high levels of crime... yeah. I mean, it's probably nothing new to most people, but I think canada is overhyped. At least our stance on copyright is so lazily upheld that people like me can get along without any worries. In my eyes you can depend on canada to be lazy. This can be beneficial or detrimental. Depends on what you want. Show nested quote +On March 29 2011 12:02 Murderotica wrote:
What is your love life like? I hope this isn't too personal, but I'm really looking for details - issues you have with approaching women, how you overcome them, previous experience, anything you feel comfortable sharing.
Also, what is the origin of your name? I have never considered a relationship. From the start I knew I would never mix with people and have never given consideration to such a thing. I believe I have avoided a great deal of heartache and humiliation by doing so, even though most normal people would consider abstaining from relationships a death sentence. When I was very young I had outlandish hopes for one day meeting a girl... but I knew better than to ever entertain those hopes. As for the origin of my name, Iskatu and Mesk are two different space fleets belonging to a race from my largest novel, Throne of Armageddon. Iskatu is an ancient fleet. Old and proud, resembling fortitude and enduring strength. Mesk is a new fleet, born in a time of trouble and strife. Together they are symbolized as the ultimate fighting force.
I see. How do you deal with the loneliness? Have you never felt a strong enough attraction to a girl that you considered going after her despite your anxiety?
Do you feel that all the extra time you have from not doing social things has been well-spent? Do you find that it enabled you to do all the things you listed (as in, would you not have done them if it weren't for your condition)?
What do you see for yourself in the future in terms of financial stability and work? What kinds of work have you already tried?
Also, cool on the name. I was always wondering. Thanks for the answers btw.
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I see. How do you deal with the loneliness? Have you never felt a strong enough attraction to a girl that you considered going after her despite your anxiety?
When I was young I said to myself, "I am prepared for a life of being alone. I want to be alone. So, I shall be."
Only a year ago did the loneliness really get to me. It torments me in my dreams enough that it can disrupt entire days, leaving me questioning my past decisions to choose the life of solitude. However, I know full well that my personality doesn't mix with anyone, and that any attempts to have pursued a relationship with anyone would have been folly.
There was one instance where I considered talking to a girl I did not know (at school) but my experiences had taught me that I simply don't mix with people. My temper, my morals, my views are so dramatically different than anyone elses that such a relationship, even if it had started, would have crashed and burned horrifically. I am such a person to hold grudges and regrets for an extremely long period of time (my entire life). If I had attempted this relationship I would have regretted it far more than I regret having turned away from society entirely.
That was a year or so before I dropped out of school which was quite a long time ago now. I have had no prolonged social contact outside of brief periods with one friend (that I met over the internet lololol) since then.
Do you feel that all the extra time you have from not doing social things has been well-spent? Do you find that it enabled you to do all the things you listed (as in, would you not have done them if it weren't for your condition)?
This is the great conundrum. What could have been, what might have been, what should have been... to consider this question we must consider many different sides of the possible paths that might have taken.
Has my time been well-spent to date? No. That is because of personal failure.
Could it have been well-spent? Yes. If I was capable of learning and focusing I could have created grand things in the past 7-9 years of my time alone. I could have finished my life's work (my novel) and more. I could have completed what I felt to be the purpose in my life. Yet such was not to be. At every turn I have failed to do what I should have been able to do.
If it weren't for my condition I do believe I would have still dropped out and chosen a life of solitude. My disdain for people is strong enough that I believe the condition is not solely to blame. My experiences with people have for the vast majority been extremely negative. All major social events I can recall in my head were negative. As much as I was the proverbial goat that loves to lick the electric fence, I eventually learned to hate pain and anger, and I turned away from people. I do not regret this decision.
But did this enable me to do what I want? It would have. But it didn't. It didn't because I failed.
What do you see for yourself in the future in terms of financial stability and work? What kinds of work have you already tried?
I have tried no work and turned down all monetary requests for things like voice acting. I don't want to work. I don't want to invest energy into other people's work. I currently live on disability. As for the future... as far as I am concerned I have no future. I never had a future. Financially this is as good as things will ever get. $400 a month, most of which is spent on food and minor stuff like keeping my hardware up to date and meeting the demands of other odd jobs.
If, for example, my grandmother was to have a heart attack and die or something horrible like that my life would effectively be over. There is no way I could live on my own. It's just not possible. I don't function with people and don't want to. Life that difficult is just simply not worth living to me.
Also, cool on the name. I was always wondering. Thanks for the answers btw.
No problem.
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dude, in all seriousness.. you dont have to be alone. no reason to. what's holding you back? what do you THINK prevents you from being together with a girl?
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Realistically, given your situation, what do you think would make you happier that is within reach?
btw, based on the content in the OP, you seem to be very talented, so kudos on that.
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On March 29 2011 12:40 beg wrote:
dude, in all seriousness.. you dont have to be alone. no reason to. what's holding you back? what do you THINK prevents you from being together with a girl?
What's holding me back? The biggest reason of them all - I don't feel I need anyone. I don't want anyone. The second reason - I'll never find someone compatible with me anyways.
/e
On March 29 2011 12:44 Masamune wrote:
Realistically, given your situation, what do you think would make you happier that is within reach?
Finishing my novel, Throne of Armageddon. Nothing would please me greater.
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if you don't want a girl, that's fine. but thinking that no one will be compatible with you is foolish. believe me. it just is. why would no one be compatible to you?
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On March 29 2011 12:56 beg wrote:
if you don't want a girl, that's fine. but thinking that no one will be compatible with you is foolish. believe me. it just is. why would no one be compatible to you?
Why would I find someone compatible with me? I think that is more foolish to consider. A social retard like me walks outside and into a bar...? Well, I guess that would be a good way to end up in a situation you've never encountered before. In a bloody heap on the side of the road, in jail, or somewhere in Mexico a week later with no pants and no recollection of your past life.
No, really. I don't understand this mindset at all. It's impossible for me to conceive of being able to socialize with anyone for extended periods of time. Even people who know me well get very tired of me very fast.
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Don't you think you'd be happier if you didn't act like you're a victim of life?
Also, doesn't "I'll never find someone compatible with me anyways" sound like a bail-out to not have to try and expand your comfort zone? As an autist surely you know that's statistically bullshit 
Not trying to be an asshole btw, you just sound like you've given up and I think a more optimistic approach to life would be helpful
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On March 29 2011 13:02 Saechiis wrote:Don't you think you'd be happier if you didn't act like you're a victim of life? Also, doesn't "I'll never find someone compatible with me anyways" sound like a bail-out to not have to try and expand your comfort zone? As an autist surely you know that's statistically bullshit Not trying to be an asshole btw, you just sound like you've given up and I think a more optimistic approach to life would be helpful
Eh. I hear this every now and then. I lived optimistically a long time ago but I figured that optimism is just the road to disappointment. As long as you expect disappointment you can't be disappointed, right? (unless something really catches you off guard, like sc2's engine... but sometimes you just can't prepare I guess.)
I don't like to think of things statistically. Again, that raises expectations. I can't say to myself, "well statistically speaking this could happen". I'm setting myself up for major fail if I do that. I've done it too many times.
So, yeah. I've given up.
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Is there anyone you're close to online?
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On March 29 2011 12:58 IskatuMesk wrote:Show nested quote +On March 29 2011 12:56 beg wrote:
if you don't want a girl, that's fine. but thinking that no one will be compatible with you is foolish. believe me. it just is. why would no one be compatible to you? Why would I find someone compatible with me? I think that is more foolish to consider. A social retard like me walks outside and into a bar...? Well, I guess that would be a good way to end up in a situation you've never encountered before. In a bloody heap on the side of the road, in jail, or somewhere in Mexico a week later with no pants and no recollection of your past life. No, really. I don't understand this mindset at all. It's impossible for me to conceive of being able to socialize with anyone for extended periods of time. Even people who know me well get very tired of me very fast.
but for what reasons? you are socializing right now... and doing it very fine. do you really want to say that socializing via text is fundamentally different to socializing in real life? if so, why? please explain.
i think you are majorly mindfucked by society... there's really few people who have solid understanding of social dynamics. and you've been mindfucked by the wrong crowd. that's what i'm thinking... please tell me your view.
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dude, you're just suffering from the same mindfucks like 80% of all "regular" men ... only difference being that you found an official excuse for your situation. you're "autistic".
i'm looking forward to hearing about your point of view.
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On March 29 2011 13:16 beg wrote:
dude, you're just suffering from the same mindfucks like 80% of all "regular" men ... only difference being that you found an official excuse for your situation. you're "autistic".
i'm looking forward to hearing about your point of view.
Please read all of IskatuMesk's blogs and get back to us~ (Warning, may take several hours)
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Can you go into more detail about your morals and views that are "so dramatically different than anyone elses." I have only had limited experience with autistic children, so i would love to learn more about how you, an adult, think.
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On March 29 2011 13:17 SpiritoftheTunA wrote:Show nested quote +On March 29 2011 13:16 beg wrote:
dude, you're just suffering from the same mindfucks like 80% of all "regular" men ... only difference being that you found an official excuse for your situation. you're "autistic".
i'm looking forward to hearing about your point of view. Please read all of IskatuMesk's blogs and get back to us~ (Warning, may take several hours)
k, i will search for them tomorrow. maybe you can give me a link to safe a bit of my time if you have it nearby  ...
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What has your childhood/familial experience been like? Why do you live with your grandmother instead of your father/mother? How do you think your history has influenced your current position?
Feel free to decline to answer if it gets too personal. It's just that there are plenty of autistic kids who get "cured" (as best as possible) of it in early childhood because of a supportive/informed family discovering it early and taking the right steps. I'm just wondering if and how your history is related to your non-standard behavior/mental state.
Also, note to the (potential) trolls:
all the tough talk is pointless. You're not saying anything new that OP hasn't heard before a million times in his life. He generously opened this up for curious inquiry, a different way to look at the world, it's not a goddamn invitation for attack.
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why do you think you decided to open a q&a?
was it more out of a desire to tell your story in parts or just because you honestly wished to contribute to TL in this way?
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On March 29 2011 13:10 Ilikestarcraft wrote:
Is there anyone you're close to online?
What is the context of "close"? Like, friend close? I talk to a fair number of people related to the old modding community and such. But close as in the subjects I'm talking about in this thread? Extremely few, and I have never talked about relationships this much. I feel I take a big personal risk by answering these questions up-front. I run the risk of offending someone and getting into another shitstorm about it. Sometimes I am too open about my opinions. Most people do not agree with them or see things my way. This makes people very angry.
So, no, I'm not really really close to anyone online.
On March 29 2011 13:13 beg wrote:Show nested quote +On March 29 2011 12:58 IskatuMesk wrote:On March 29 2011 12:56 beg wrote:
if you don't want a girl, that's fine. but thinking that no one will be compatible with you is foolish. believe me. it just is. why would no one be compatible to you? Why would I find someone compatible with me? I think that is more foolish to consider. A social retard like me walks outside and into a bar...? Well, I guess that would be a good way to end up in a situation you've never encountered before. In a bloody heap on the side of the road, in jail, or somewhere in Mexico a week later with no pants and no recollection of your past life. No, really. I don't understand this mindset at all. It's impossible for me to conceive of being able to socialize with anyone for extended periods of time. Even people who know me well get very tired of me very fast. but for what reasons? you are socializing right now... and doing it very fine. do you really want to say that socializing via text is fundamentally different to socializing in real life? if so, why? please explain. i think you are majorly mindfucked by society... there's really few people who have solid understanding of social dynamics. and you've been mindfucked by the wrong crowd. that's what i'm thinking... please tell me your view.
Yes, it doesn't take autism or other disabilities to screw a growing child if he ends up in the wrong crowd growing up.
Understand that the difference between talking to people over text, or even using vent, is monumentally different to me than in person. In person I am completely different. You could never get me to speak a word of any of these things in person. It's just not possible for me to say them the way I am typing them out.
To me, the events taking place on the computer, because I spend my entire waking day doing things on the computer, are so interlinked with my mental world and so largely automated that they don't even register to me physically anymore. I can force myself to stay up for very long periods of time (multiple days) because I can detach myself completely from the physical world through music and "motion". For example, when I was writing a lot, I would force myself to stay up for very, very long periods of time just entranced in writing and thinking and writing and thinking...
Don't consider this a "mechanical" or academic approach to writing. It's a very different approach... I consume myself in the energy of thought and allow physical sensations to bleed out.
In person I can't do anything like that. I hallucinate frequently now, I can't even trust my own eyes half the time as I'm walking around. Shadows move, things flash, you see shapes... the real world to me is now the dream, and the dream world real. Or some other philosophical garbage like that.
To me, it's impossible to conceive of things that most normal people conceive them. I've tried to break away from my perspective and think of things "externally", by assuming the mindset of someone with a different point of view. I do this in mod design mostly, to try to imagine how other people would perceive elements of immersion (Black Sun Episode 0's music choices is a readily available example).
See, it's hard me to word this in a way in which I can reliable expect you to understand. So, I try to conceive things from your perspective and approach from that end, so that I can word my logic in a way that makes more sense to you.
In a statistical world, there is always the probability of something happening like being able to find a compatible girlfriend. My logic tells me, "So, what? That's like saying there's a statistical possibility I could find a financial goldmine somewhere in Russia and be set for life just by waving my arms around enthusiastically and selling some crazy new pleasure device. It doesn't matter because there are no circumstances that can lead to fulfilling the requirements of attaining X or N outcome."
My personality and mindset are unique. They are shaped by years of hardship and dealing with things on a very person, very emotional level. Thus, I am very passionate about things I personally have had experience with, or personally believe in. This makes me a very disagreeable person, and a very rigid person. No one I know can agree with me wholly on any given subject. Any relationship I walked into, even if it seems workable, would be stable for long. Any rift that forms between myself and others can only grow. The end result would be regretting having instigated such a situation in the first place. Then I would feel even more like shit.
The optimistic person would say, "well this could still work out!"
Optimism told me that, when I started the UDK project, I had the potential to get started. I knew enough basic modeling skills to create fundamental architecture for getting the project off the ground. I had other stuff accounted for, even partly tested. I was really prepared to start work on something quite major.
I never started. I never had the spine to pick up the basic grunt work and hammer out something to work with. Fear and loathing crushed my spirit instantly and nothing became of it, despite weeks, if not months, of preparing myself and accounting for things such as this. I just don't function like other people do. I can't handle things like other people can.
I don't know how to word things like this very well, so I hope at least some of it was understandable for you.
On March 29 2011 13:20 Couvre wrote:
Can you go into more detail about your morals and views that are "so dramatically different than anyone elses." I have only had limited experience with autistic children, so i would love to learn more about how you, an adult, think.
Morals... are a hard thing to describe. Let's put it this way.
Person A: I want to work hard in school so I can get a good job and make some money to support a family.
Me: Why do I want to work for someone else? Why am I slaving away so someone higher up in the food chain can make someone even higher up on the food chain even richer? I'd rather pursue my own dreams. Even if it costs me financial success in the long run. I do not desire a family.
Person A: Parties are important to me for social occasions and having fun.
Me: More like waking up in a puddle of puke and feeling a hangover for the rest of the day.
Just two really generic examples. You'll find the odd person who agrees with me on this or that subject... but I've been in enough internet e-penis stroking contests to know that I can argue with anyone on just about anything (and generally make an idiot out of myself in doing so). Certain subjects I feel extremely strongly about given personal experiences. With my temper this makes me very disagreeable.
The single time I was involved with sports, when I was very young, a ref gave me a yellow flag in soccer for a reason I'll never understood. My gut instinct for this action was to shout "You're a dumb bitch". Yeah. That was my last association with sports of any nature.
I have a tendency to act before I think despite trying to condition myself otherwise and despite suffering, sometimes enormously, because of this. Self-control has waned a lot over the years. This leads to very strange and very dramatic actions for almost no reason at all (at least to the viewer). I look back to these actions and laugh sometimes, but really they aren't funny. In person I have physically attacked people for less than disagreeing with me. I am everything I have come to hate now.
On March 29 2011 13:28 Railxp wrote:
What has your childhood/familial experience been like? Why do you live with your grandmother instead of your father/mother? How do you think your history has influenced your current position?
This is a very long story I don't really have all the information for or care to recite. I talked a little bit about it in Dear November. Basically, my bloodline is what I like to call "cursed". They're all a little... off. My mother is some crazy wench and my dad is an alcoholic who, apparently, is/was wanted for drug possession/dealing. I've never seen my father in my life, but I have evesdropped on conversations/been told that my mother tried to get my grandmother to kill me in my sleep.
My mother did not want me so my grandmother took me when I was extremely young. I get the feeling she regrets it, because two bads (mother/father) don't make a "good". Although I am now helping to financially support her now through my disability, I know that she regrets having taken me now.
I can't think of many good things to say about my childhood. Any memory I try to recall right now is very bad. My grandmother was always under the stout belief that I was normal or that I just had ADHD. Before junior high I bounced between almost as many schools as grades. Almost every experience was terrible. As I said, I went into more detail in Dear November about this. Ultimately, at the end of the road of childhood, a series of coincidences introduced me to Starcraft when it first came out. Starcraft helped shape me to what I was today by giving me a foundation to live my fantasies of creation with.
I have never seen my father in my life. They decided to have a second kid for some reason, my sister. I think she's about 18 right now. She already has a kid with a 28 year old who is currently in prison for nearly killing a woman they were boarding with in an apartment. Yeah. A real winner this family is.
My grandmother is a crazy evangelical nutjob. We get into arguments very often. She claims in 2012 I will be judged and go to hell. I laugh. That's about all I can do. I've given up trying to explain anything to her. As far as we're concerned, we live entirely separate lives with the only mutual benefit being me living here in exchange for paying rent.
Feel free to decline to answer if it gets too personal. It's just that there are plenty of autistic kids who get "cured" (as best as possible) of it in early childhood because of a supportive/informed family discovering it early and taking the right steps. I'm just wondering if and how your history is related to your non-standard behavior/mental state.
I don't believe there is a cure to something like this. Maybe it's because I am severe case or because circumstancial events landed me in a grand shithole of a situation. I like to think of what you speak of as behavioral conditioning.
If I were to take a swing at this I would say that yes, my history has helped shaped me to what I am today. If it weren't for my innumerable negative experiences with people I might have considered finishing high school despite it not teaching me anything. But it wouldn't have changed my decision to avoid work. So I can't tell you how having a supportive/informed family might have changed things. Maybe I'd be a lot further than I am right now. Maybe you'd never have heard of me.
I can only speculate... but speculation usually makes me depressed.
On March 29 2011 13:37 tube wrote:
why do you think you decided to open a q&a?
was it more out of a desire to tell your story in parts or just because you honestly wished to contribute to TL in this way?
You want the honest reason? Because my physical health has been rapidly declining in the last few months and with the recent topic about that 12 year old "autistic savant", I thought I would do what I had considered for months now - making a Q&A topic about the subject of my life.
I wanted to make a video biography but I know I'd never get around to it. I'd be just lying to myself if I said I could pull off that kind of a project.
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damn, sorry to hear that man
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