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On March 30 2011 03:56 -Frog- wrote:
What are the chances that this is actually an elaborate writing experiment and that you aren't actually autistic/don't have social problems etc? I'm not trying to demand proof of who you are and your condition but as you are surely aware you can be whoever you want on the internet and as an author it seems probable that this could be a character you have created.
The chances are zero. You can look at my previous blogs if you want. There is no way I can magically prove to you this or that and nor do I feel it is necessary. If I was capable of writing consistently I wouldn't be making blogs. I'd be working on my novels.
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1584 Posts
On March 30 2011 03:56 -Frog- wrote:
What are the chances that this is actually an elaborate writing experiment and that you aren't actually autistic/don't have social problems etc? I'm not trying to demand proof of who you are and your condition but as you are surely aware you can be whoever you want on the internet and as an author it seems probable that this could be a character you have created.
Maybe this universe isn't real and it's just like the matrix.
Cut it out conspiracy-theory sherlock.
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On March 30 2011 04:14 keit wrote:Show nested quote +On March 30 2011 03:56 -Frog- wrote:
What are the chances that this is actually an elaborate writing experiment and that you aren't actually autistic/don't have social problems etc? I'm not trying to demand proof of who you are and your condition but as you are surely aware you can be whoever you want on the internet and as an author it seems probable that this could be a character you have created. Maybe this universe isn't real and it's just like the matrix. Cut it out conspiracy-theory sherlock.
How is that an appropriate comparison?
The internet is full of fabricated stories by writers practicing their craft or having fun. I'm sure there are people who are in the situation that the OP is but I think given that he is a writer and given that it is a pretty extreme and crazy situation casting some doubt on the validity of his post makes a lot more sense than casting doubt on the universe and whether or not it's just like the matrix.
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On March 30 2011 04:22 -Frog- wrote:Show nested quote +On March 30 2011 04:14 keit wrote:On March 30 2011 03:56 -Frog- wrote:
What are the chances that this is actually an elaborate writing experiment and that you aren't actually autistic/don't have social problems etc? I'm not trying to demand proof of who you are and your condition but as you are surely aware you can be whoever you want on the internet and as an author it seems probable that this could be a character you have created. Maybe this universe isn't real and it's just like the matrix. Cut it out conspiracy-theory sherlock. How is that an appropriate comparison? The internet is full of fabricated stories by writers practicing their craft or having fun. I'm sure there are people who are in the situation that the OP is but I think given that he is a writer and given that it is a pretty extreme and crazy situation casting some doubt on the validity of his post makes a lot more sense than casting doubt on the universe and whether or not it's just like the matrix.
Sorry, but I just don't see what you gain making a fake blog post claiming your autistic.
Maybe I'm just crazy.
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Check out some of JackMcCoy's posts in the blog section and elsewhere in the site. They are far far longer than the average person's posts and are completely fabricated. I assume he takes pleasure in crafting the tale and sharing it with others. What else do you think a writer does?
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1584 Posts
On March 30 2011 04:22 -Frog- wrote:Show nested quote +On March 30 2011 04:14 keit wrote:On March 30 2011 03:56 -Frog- wrote:
What are the chances that this is actually an elaborate writing experiment and that you aren't actually autistic/don't have social problems etc? I'm not trying to demand proof of who you are and your condition but as you are surely aware you can be whoever you want on the internet and as an author it seems probable that this could be a character you have created. Maybe this universe isn't real and it's just like the matrix. Cut it out conspiracy-theory sherlock. given that it is a pretty extreme and crazy situation
You're quite naive.
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Could you tell me some about the novel you were making? You write pretty interesting and if it is possible, I would like to read it (or partially) if you don't mind.
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On March 30 2011 05:57 POiNTx wrote:
Could you tell me some about the novel you were making? You write pretty interesting and if it is possible, I would like to read it (or partially) if you don't mind.
I posted a part of it somewhere...
http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?topic_id=173876
About 1/2 way down the page.
I don't plan to publish the novel or make it public. I have a paranoia about plagiarism, one that was realized in the production of Armageddon Onslaught when people were stealing hand-made assets out of it.
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I has another question!
What league are you in sc2?
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On March 30 2011 06:25 Chairman Ray wrote:
I has another question!
What league are you in sc2?
Currently? None. Back in beta, before diamond showed up I was in like 42nd platinum or something like that. I stopped playing ladder as I got bored of sc2 pretty fast. In the past 5 months I've played maybe a dozen games, only one or two of those standard melee.
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Out of curiosity what's your physical health like?
I mean, it's not like you can expect to lead a fantastic life or anything but I think it's beyond sad for anyone to not demand some level of self-improvement - even minor increments. And the road to that end is not paved with pizza-pops in front of a computer monitor or pity-parties thrown on the internet. Healthy habits are the most basic step towards a (more) healthy mind. Incremental.
It's weird because I read your Q&A and felt a sense of self-awareness in your answers. But you seem like you're letting yourself off the hook without much conflict.
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On March 29 2011 13:05 IskatuMesk wrote:Show nested quote +On March 29 2011 13:02 Saechiis wrote:Don't you think you'd be happier if you didn't act like you're a victim of life? Also, doesn't "I'll never find someone compatible with me anyways" sound like a bail-out to not have to try and expand your comfort zone? As an autist surely you know that's statistically bullshit  Not trying to be an asshole btw, you just sound like you've given up and I think a more optimistic approach to life would be helpful Eh. I hear this every now and then. I lived optimistically a long time ago but I figured that optimism is just the road to disappointment. As long as you expect disappointment you can't be disappointed, right? (unless something really catches you off guard, like sc2's engine... but sometimes you just can't prepare I guess.) I don't like to think of things statistically. Again, that raises expectations. I can't say to myself, "well statistically speaking this could happen". I'm setting myself up for major fail if I do that. I've done it too many times. So, yeah. I've given up.
I don't know, optimism isn't really always about expecting the best possible outcome, I see it more as recognizing the positive aspects of the now, rather than beating yourself up for what could be. It's not about setting the bar impossibly high but about not downplaying the obstacles you clear.
Expectations are important because they drive people to do things, failing to meet your expectations learns you to be realistic in setting your goals and to take steps one at a time, optimism is a way of not being mentally crushed by those losses whilst being able to celebrate your wins for the accomplishments they are.
I've done the cynical approach to life and all it achieved for me was that people distanced themselves from my negativity whilst I was dissapointed in not being able to not have expectations from myself. It's mostly just another flawed coping mechanism and while you might have given up rationally, unconsciously you still have the will to live and claim your place in human history.
I'm not the kind of guy who thinks humanity exists for a reason, but I do think it's evident that the drive to achieve "things" is integral to human survival. Society is basically a game based on the fact that people are achievement hunters, in the grand scheme of things no-one and nothing cares what self-proclaimed goals people achieve on their little rock whilst merrily floating through infinity, but on a personal level your mind needs purpose as much as your body needs energy to function.
I think the only way to rid yourself from expectation is to either numb yourself with drugs/ medication or to kill yourself, both of which are rather cheap and uninteresting. It's like leaving your ally when it gets rough in a 2v2 (yes, I went there) you lose the game, you feel like shit, your ally thinks you're a pussynose and the opponent will silently judge you behind their smiley face facade "  "
It's why I like the motto that life is a game, it's an immersive freeroaming game and you decide for yourself how seriously you want to take it. Some people are happy just playing the game, some want to be the best at playing it, some think the game is ridiculous and their character inherently underpowered, some just quit without a GG. You'd like to change race and maybe convert some intelligence points to charm but alas, it's against the rules, the developer seems to be afk and the release of the Second Life: Mars expansion is up in the air.
Sure, Justin Bieber's currently imbalanced and unfair, but once the metagame shifts to puberty his face will transform into what can only be described as an experimental braille version of Where's Waldo, his angelic voice, raspy, like vocal cords dipped in Clint Eastwood's dirty hairy coffee. His coupe sold to Arabian teen princesses for charity ... for justice, for Aiur! You know, positive thinking
Determinism is not going to get you anywhere else than where you are now, and it doesn't seem like you're happy with that.
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1584 Posts
On March 30 2011 08:07 Saechiis wrote:Show nested quote +On March 29 2011 13:05 IskatuMesk wrote:On March 29 2011 13:02 Saechiis wrote:Don't you think you'd be happier if you didn't act like you're a victim of life? Also, doesn't "I'll never find someone compatible with me anyways" sound like a bail-out to not have to try and expand your comfort zone? As an autist surely you know that's statistically bullshit Not trying to be an asshole btw, you just sound like you've given up and I think a more optimistic approach to life would be helpful Eh. I hear this every now and then. I lived optimistically a long time ago but I figured that optimism is just the road to disappointment. As long as you expect disappointment you can't be disappointed, right? (unless something really catches you off guard, like sc2's engine... but sometimes you just can't prepare I guess.) I don't like to think of things statistically. Again, that raises expectations. I can't say to myself, "well statistically speaking this could happen". I'm setting myself up for major fail if I do that. I've done it too many times. So, yeah. I've given up. Some people are happy just playing the game, some want to be the best at playing it, some think the game is ridiculous and their character inherently underpowered, some just quitting without a GG. You'd like to change race and maybe convert some intelligence points to charm but alas, it's against the rules, the developer seems to be afk and the release of the Second Life: Mars expansion is up in the air. Sure, Justin Bieber's imbalanced and unfair, but once the metagame shifts to puberty his face will transform into what can only be described as an experimental braille version of Where's Waldo, his angelic voice, raspy, like vocal cords dipped in Clint Eastwood's dirty hairy coffee. His coupe sold to Arabian teen princesses for charity ... for justice, for Aiur! You know, positive thinking
That was fucking hilarious dude.
Too bad you can't choose the difficulty of life when you roll yourself into the game.
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On March 30 2011 07:59 Flaccid wrote:
Out of curiosity what's your physical health like?
I mean, it's not like you can expect to lead a fantastic life or anything but I think it's beyond sad for anyone to not demand some level of self-improvement - even minor increments. And the road to that end is not paved with pizza-pops in front of a computer monitor or pity-parties thrown on the internet. Healthy habits are the most basic step towards a (more) healthy mind. Incremental.
It's weird because I read your Q&A and felt a sense of self-awareness in your answers. But you seem like you're letting yourself off the hook without much conflict.
Does it seem that way? I've never cared for physical health. I figured if I can write or do whatever, then my physical health is fine. CTS and arthritis make that difficult. So I give my hand some time to heal (months). Then I try again. I invested into a new seating arrangement to alleviate pressure on my wrist and a new keyboard for my left hand when doing stuff in max and such that require a lot of holding down keys.
I wish I had enough pizza-pops to pave a road... or any at all. I could sure use the sugar right about now.
I'm not really overweight, but I have extremely high blood pressure and arrhythmia (erratic heart beat). My grandmother has the latter problem as well and is on blood thinners and some other things for it.
I am not a believer that physical health can influence mental health unless something serious is happening, like a major disease or injury. I am lucky enough to have neither for now. I don't care enough about the long-term future I don't have to bother with exercise or other things, as they serve me no immediate result except for wasting precious time better spent trying to write or work on a project. As far as I'm concerned, if I had the focus to do regular exercise I have the focus to work on my novel. Only the novel means anything to me in this spectrum. All of my efforts to give myself an exercise routine were miserable and wasted effort.
Saechiis
I don't know, optimism isn't really always about expecting the best possible outcome, I see it more as recognizing the positive aspects of the now, rather than beating yourself up for what could be. It's not about setting the bar impossibly high but about not downplaying the obstacles you clear.
I hope I'm not setting up the wrong image of myself by presenting this blog and the related information. Although I am cynical and pessimistic I know well what I am capable of and what I am not capable of. I know that if given the opportunity I could excel in specific areas, such as my writing or my sound work. But I also know that I have failed every given opportunity presented to do anything more than present concepts or examples of things I'd like to do larger than what I have shown you today and in the past few years. I also know that the depressive feedback from being optimistic is one of the more destructive aspects of my psychology.
Expecting any outcome other than failure is usually a very bad idea for me. Obstacles that one would consider simple generally turn out to be impossible for me to perform even if statistically or logically speaking I have the skillset and capability to clear them. I just don't work the same way other people do in that respect.
Expectations are important because they drive people to do things, failing to meet your expectations learns you to be realistic in setting your goals and to take steps one at a time, optimism is a way of not being mentally crushed by those losses whilst being able to celebrate your wins for the accomplishments they are.
This is the way I thought a long time ago. Expectations and optimism are much the same thing for me. I see optimism as expecting something out of factors that I don't know yet. Optimism is saying, "I am happy because I did this and I think/know I can do that". But I can't do that. Even if it's not even a logical step, and just a repetition of something I have performed before, or something that has happened before. My optimism has always proven to be poorly founded.
I realize that this is probably a flaw in my character and not really attributable to any given disability. But that doesn't mean I can correct it any easier.
I've done the cynical approach to life and all it achieved for me was that people distanced themselves from my negativity whilst I was dissapointed in not being able to not have expectations from myself. It's mostly just another flawed coping mechanism and whilst you might have given up rationally, unconsciously you still have the will to live and claim your place in human history.
Eh... humans are a rather dull lot if you ask me. All I want to do is bring my dreams to life for myself. The rest of your statement makes sense though.
I'm not the kind of guy who thinks humanity exists for a reason, but I do think it's evident that the drive to achieve "things" is integral to human survival. Society is basically a game based on the fact that people are achievement hunters, in the grand scheme of things no-one and nothing cares what self-proclaimed goals people achieve on their little rock merrily floating through infinity, but on a personal level your mind needs purpose as much as your body needs energy to function.
I came to the same conclusion a while ago. It's why I chose to uptake the Black Sun: Salvation project. I was going insane because I had secluded myself entirely from modding/custom content design. I told myself that it was foolish to attempt a project when I knew I could never finish it. A few months of this made me insane. After a while I said to myself, "You can attempt the project in the knowledge it won't be finished, but don't beat yourself up when you come to the conclusion you can't work anymore. Work for the moment."
My endgame for Black Sun was/is to inspire myself to start writing again. If I can achieve that... things will be back on track.
I think the only way to rid yourself from expectation is to either numb yourself with drugs/ medication or to kill yourself, both of which are rather cheap and uninteresting. It's like leaving your ally when it gets rough in a 2v2 (yes, I went there) you lose the game, you feel like shit, your ally thinks you're a pussynose and the opponent will silently judge you behind their smiley face facade " "
Well I can tell you that prescription drugs did utterly nothing for me, and none of my suicide attempts were successful... but yeah. Expectation comes naturally. So what I do is shield myself from events where I would end up with expectations for myself. Then I directly avoid the inevitable failure of meeting those expectations and being met with disappointment.
It's why I like the motto that life is a game, it's an immersive freeroaming game and you decide for yourself how seriously you want to take it. Some people are happy just playing the game, some want to be the best at playing it, some think the game is ridiculous and their character inherently underpowered, some just quit without a GG. You'd like to change race and maybe convert some intelligence points to charm but alas, it's against the rules, the developer seems to be afk and the release of the Second Life: Mars expansion is up in the air.
Sure, Justin Bieber's currently imbalanced and unfair, but once the metagame shifts to puberty his face will transform into what can only be described as an experimental braille version of Where's Waldo, his angelic voice, raspy, like vocal cords dipped in Clint Eastwood's dirty hairy coffee. His coupe sold to Arabian teen princesses for charity ... for justice, for Aiur! You know, positive thinking
Determinism is not going to get you anywhere else than where you are now, and it doesn't seem like you're happy with that.
I lol'd
I'm the kind of person who tries to rewrite the game. Tries to make things his way. Since long before I knew of the internet, back in console gaming. The same was true with life. I learned, though, that life is a very cruel server. There's inherent input latency and the mobs all have rigged stats. Drop rates for gear seem to have been removed entirely.
I have been fighting this god-awful fight for as long as I can remember. One battle to the next. Determinism is can work, but only if you possess the capacity to make change. I apparently do not. What can I do? Nothing? I cannot see things the way you see them. Although I try, I can never quite grasp that kind of a mindset. My logic will tell me that it's easier for people to say such things on the other side of the fence. The grass is always greener and all that.
At least for me, optimism has to be built from success to have any chance of getting anywhere. I have to actually succeed at something to feel any good about it. I haven't succeeded in anything for a very long time.
That was more a ramble/rant than a reply I think.
Also, awareness != capacity for change.
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On March 30 2011 08:56 FakePlasticLove wrote:Who's your favorite member of the Wu-Tang Clan? + Show Spoiler +
I like that gentleman who's all sneaky-like hidden in the middle rear. You can just barely see him, but his one visible eye is set square on you. That bro's plannin' somethin'. You don't know what he's hiding back there.
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1584 Posts
On March 30 2011 08:47 IskatuMesk wrote:Show nested quote +On March 30 2011 07:59 Flaccid wrote:
Out of curiosity what's your physical health like?
I mean, it's not like you can expect to lead a fantastic life or anything but I think it's beyond sad for anyone to not demand some level of self-improvement - even minor increments. And the road to that end is not paved with pizza-pops in front of a computer monitor or pity-parties thrown on the internet. Healthy habits are the most basic step towards a (more) healthy mind. Incremental.
It's weird because I read your Q&A and felt a sense of self-awareness in your answers. But you seem like you're letting yourself off the hook without much conflict. Drop rates for gear seem to have been removed entirely.
Didn't you know IRL is full loot? No more killing a mob to hope he drops that armor, if he wears it he drops it!
On March 30 2011 08:47 IskatuMesk wrote:Show nested quote +On March 30 2011 07:59 Flaccid wrote:
Out of curiosity what's your physical health like?
I mean, it's not like you can expect to lead a fantastic life or anything but I think it's beyond sad for anyone to not demand some level of self-improvement - even minor increments. And the road to that end is not paved with pizza-pops in front of a computer monitor or pity-parties thrown on the internet. Healthy habits are the most basic step towards a (more) healthy mind. Incremental.
It's weird because I read your Q&A and felt a sense of self-awareness in your answers. But you seem like you're letting yourself off the hook without much conflict. At least for me, optimism has to be built from success to have any chance of getting anywhere. I have to actually succeed at something to feel any good about it. I haven't succeeded in anything for a very long time.
Agreed, once you're in a slump it takes a bit of good luck to get the motivation going, but if you encounter any obstacles while you're on the optimistic streak it's very easy to fall back down into 'despair', especially if success is such a foreign thing in ones life.
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Hm...have you considered lucid dreaming? I unfortunately was not able to read all of your responses, but early on, you mentioned that your dreams are mostly filled with horror/terror, and lucid dreaming (which has been mentioned a few times in TL, I think) can be a way to "conquer those fears", so to speak...you also can basically do whatever you want and although I have done it only a few times, lucid dreaming is indeed an amazing experience. :O
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1584 Posts
Oh and also, how long have your dreams been ones of horror? Do you have any recollection of having positive dreams at all?
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On March 30 2011 09:19 keit wrote:Show nested quote +On March 30 2011 08:47 IskatuMesk wrote:On March 30 2011 07:59 Flaccid wrote:
Out of curiosity what's your physical health like?
I mean, it's not like you can expect to lead a fantastic life or anything but I think it's beyond sad for anyone to not demand some level of self-improvement - even minor increments. And the road to that end is not paved with pizza-pops in front of a computer monitor or pity-parties thrown on the internet. Healthy habits are the most basic step towards a (more) healthy mind. Incremental.
It's weird because I read your Q&A and felt a sense of self-awareness in your answers. But you seem like you're letting yourself off the hook without much conflict. Drop rates for gear seem to have been removed entirely. Didn't you know IRL is full loot? No more killing a mob to hope he drops that armor, if he wears it he drops it!
Damnit, you're going to get me grinding again aren't you. 
On March 30 2011 09:20 Z3kk wrote:
Hm...have you considered lucid dreaming? I unfortunately was not able to read all of your responses, but early on, you mentioned that your dreams are mostly filled with horror/terror, and lucid dreaming (which has been mentioned a few times in TL, I think) can be a way to "conquer those fears", so to speak...you also can basically do whatever you want and although I have done it only a few times, lucid dreaming is indeed an amazing experience. :O
I hope to one day be able to do this. A few of my past dreams have been lucid... but the lucidity was "accidental" I suppose. The dreams destabilize very fast if this happens and I usually end up waking up.
On March 30 2011 09:23 keit wrote:
Oh and also, how long have your dreams been ones of horror? Do you have any recollection of having positive dreams at all?
A few. A great deal of my world has been inspired by very vivid and powerful dreams. Some very lengthy. Many beautiful beyond worlds. Stars, nebula, planets, galaxies, entire fleets... as though everything you have ever fought for in your life suddenly sprung to life within your hands. They are rare dreams. But they have happened. They can be pivotal in triggering an action later on when I am awake, like writing again. It has happened before. Black Sun is an effort to stir such dreams into returning to me. I have indeed been partly successful. Not enough to write again... but enough to know I am on the right track. I have to keep with it.
The nightmares have been there since I was very young. As long as I have dreamed they have been filled with anguish and madness.
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EPT![[image loading]](http://academic.scranton.edu/student/CRAIGM4/wu_tang_clan_foto.jpg)
