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Rage ^ 2
Warning: 1500 words of incoherency
Normally, no matter how I whine about my parents, I would at least like to think they care. And I’m pretty sure they do.
But as Cameron Frye said in Ferris Bueller’s day off “I’ve got to take a stand”
My parents don’t have a red luxury car.
Today started OK.
I had a great excuse to stay at school way longer and be with friends to delay the inevitable shitstorm when I got home.
Yesterday I realized the key to the house was missing. She won’t trust me to keep it, so I have to leave it on the back porch, and I share it with my brother, and somehow it became missing in the last couple weeks. My mom asked if I knew where it was and I said I thought it was on the back porch. Hell, I only realized 5 minutes earlier, and I knew if I didn’t find it I would catch hell.
But she went in the backyard, saw it wasn’t there, and got pissed.
I come home, get a lot of work done, get ahead on work, want to sleep early. Watch retarded documentary because my mom wants me to. It ends, it’s 9:30, and I say, woot! I go on ladder, to play ONE game of SC2, and she yells at me for having screwed up priorities, grabs my computer and shakes it, causing the fan to make some god awful noise, and alt tab to a page on depression, she accuses me of faking depression in order to play somebody against her. She says “I don’t fucking care if you are out in the rain and cold, because I won’t let you get in until you find the key. I’ll tell all the neighbors to not let you in!” She ranted about how I told her subconsciously that somehow I don’t care about finding the key. She yells more. She turns off the internet. She chases me into my room. She slaps me. I called her a twit. (Abbreviation for nitwit, about the least serious insult one can launch) and she blew up. She said how I would regret it later on. How I would love her sincerely for enforcing her ways. How I would grovel at her knees when I dropped out of community college. She said that I’m her son so she can’t fire me, but if she could she would. I said I’d quit, but I can’t.
She just told me to go look for the key.
This is fairly regular for me, but this is the last straw. She says she’d fire me, continues talking about my lack of competency, turns off the web for no reason, screws up my computer fans, says she knows that I’m writing to people online and she’ll find me, fae;otiumawopeirj
I can’t take it. Periods of “I love you son” to die in a fucking hole. It’s ridiculous. Sure I’m overreacting, but when you yell and scream, and yell ad hominem attacks, refuse to admit you yell over almost nothing, and then say your son has screwed up priorities.
When she makes fun of me for not having a girlfriend when she, miss perfect, found my dad through a matchmaking service. She has no friends. She never socializes. Yet she tells all my friends about the crush I had in 6th grade and about how the girl didn’t want to talk to me and about how I was somewhat devastated. She doesn’t tell them, she makes fun of me. When my dad isn’t home she talks about how incompetent he is. When I’m not here my brother tells me she talks about what a retard I am.
And then, while I’m writing this she comes up to me like nothing fucking happened.
Oh, hai brian. Let’s look for the key.
OH WAIT, you’re a tard. This descended into a 35 minute tirade about my
1) Lying
2) Cheating
3) Stealing
4) Not putting uneaten food away
Habits. She asserts I’ve done all of em, but as you can tell, really can’t give any specific examples. I may or may not upload it :/ (nvm, was recording the mic port…) She says how I lied in the third grade (I did lie in the third grade, FYI. I was doing better than my peers, and both my parents didn’t give a shit, so I made things sound really really fantastic. Since then, anything slightly positive I do is a “lie”
But now, tis 12:00. I wanted to get more sleep tonight. I wanted to go to bed at 10:30. But I can’t do that, and evidently it’s ALL MY FAULT
Fuck you “mom”, just fuck you. I won’t stand for this pseudo justice in which you dicate every last thing that happens, place blame on others for your problems, make me feel guildty about what I do and want to do. As much as I want to have a good relationship with you, tonight you have shown that you bhave no such intentions. You want to use me as a punching bag for all of your problems. You want to ruffle my hair and scream in “delight!” that I have SO MUCH MORE KNOWLEDGE THAN A 50 YEAR OLD WOMAN.
Well, you know what, I do.
I know that there are certain things I like to do. I know that my peers will not detest me. I know I will not yell at my wife because she wants a cell phone. I know I won’t pick on my kids for every little thing.
I know that I’m president of Acadec, and probably MUN. I know that I am capable of whatever the hell I want to do if I put in the time and effort. I know I am capable of ignoring yor ridiculous threats. I know that even if I’m not the world’s brightest or most successful person, I will at least be a decent human being.
3AM. Can’t sleep. Haven’t been able to sleep since 12 when I wrote this. Some more thoughts.
I understand she cares. I understand I have some problems. I understand that I’ve had times when I’ve had rotten food in my backpack (ew) lied about things (mostly middle school) I realize I have faults. But if you want to go there you have a ton of them as well. You have no social life, and sit around the house eating and watching soaps. You yell at me to get a job, do well in school, have a girlfriend, and do extracurriculars, but you can’t manage to talk to friends, and do laundry.
Am I not a perfect human. No. But give me some slack for once. Maybe I won’t be in a state of mental breakdown. Maybe I can live up to my potential.
A lot of the above is not terribly well written, but so be it.
Oops, thing didn’t record. Lol
All this aside I merely have on request to make. What should I do?
I feel really mentally broken down, I feel like my mother is being abusive. My dad doesn’t want to end the relationship for the sake of the kids, but she bashes him on a daily basis. I will get no sleep tonight. My mom will not forgive any of my actions. She blames me for all of our problems. I have tried sitting by and letting it pass over, but she makes me listen to her until she gets a response.
I have tried nodding and playing around, and she says it’s fake.
I have tried in the middle and failed. What should I do. Should I somehow rebel. Should I just try to follow exactly what she wants me to do. Should I try and talk to a counselor? I am so lost and confused. Thanks for all the help tl. I’ve talked to real life friends, but they are just too disturbed by my mother to do anything. Plus, she’s been listening to my calls, so I’ve used google voice. So now she sits next to me when I call. So then I tried to IM, so she watches me. So I’m now only able to write after she sleeps, and the internet is off then.
In other news my super Christian grandma is going to live with us. Yaynooo. She means well and all, but I’m sure my mom will use it as an excuse so I can’t do shit. Plus she’s so Christian. Probably means going to church every weekend, reciting prayers, etc. Plus the fact that I’ll fix her computer every other day.
So it’s 5AM, and I’ve gone back to bed. Still haven’t been able to sleep. I’m dying inside, but can’t sleep. This has got to end. I feel so mentally unstable right now. I can’t let my mom’s rants and raging ruin my chances of going to a good school. Can’t sleep. Keep on thinking about all of this. Cant’ sleep. Want to sleep, can’t.
Gah. I’m clueless. I’m enraged. And I’m very tired.
 
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You could do alot of different things, but they somewhat depend on your age, your financial standing, etc.
I would say talk to them about it, but apparantly it always degenerates in to some sort of fighting.
Though one thing for sure is, you could use some sleep.
That is about the only advice I can give you. Sleep and everything will be (slightly) better.
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I've been reading your blogs (and listening to the sound clips) and she yells at you for the stupidest shit. Like in this one, not trusting you to have the key, then yelling at you for losing it? Does that make sense to you?
I wish there was a solution to this. I really do, but the truth is that your mom is fucking crazy and there's nothing short of medication that will change that.
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Dayumn son.
If you can get access to a counsellor, then I would highly recommend it. It's another avenue to get feelings off your chest, and also to explore possible routes out of your situation.
Stay resilient though, your mother obviously has her fair share of issues, if not more. It's definitely a tough situation when you're in a state of dependency, so I can only ask that you keep on battling through, until you can achieve independence.
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First of all, good for you to take a stand. Its what needed to be done. Sure, it may get worse before it gets better, but it has to be done.
If I were you, I would talk to your counselor at school. I know you're using TL as a vent, and we're here for you, but sometimes its just better to do so in person.
Maybe find a friend that you can stay at their house for a few days. Their mothers might be sympathetic if you explain your situation. You really sound like you just need some time off. I'm not sure where you're located, but if you're within a 3-4 hour drive of me, I wouldn't mind giving you a place to stay for the weekend. Might seem weird, but I was in that situation myself not too long ago, and I know what its like.
Definitely talk to someone at school though. This kind of shit will put you on tilt, and if the faculty knows it they'll probably do everything they can to help you.
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once you get to college you might want to seriously considering cutting your parents off and becoming financially independent, especially if you get scholarships and/or financial aid (going to a CSU or UC in cali isn't SUPER expensive either, but the debts will be an issue, not gonna lie)
Though on second thought you should probably preserve the relationship till at least a year into college, see if she doesn't back off. A lot of aggressive parents do back off as long as their kid can produce decent results, but your mom is extra-strength crazy, and each case is unique to a degree.
I dunno if you've been suggested this coping mechanism before, but just imagine that whereever you are 3-5 years from now, you should be pretty free of this bullshit and you'll be decently equipped to handle other bullshit, considering how traumatizing this bullshit is. Your patience is astounding, I know you talk back sometimes but you still seem to be able to handle your mom's insanity most of the time.
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Parents are people, too. They aren't perfect. You'll get over it and you'll love her eventually, or at least you should. This is just teenage angst. Don't rebel. Just be nice to her. If you're a better person than her, then be one.
I'm sure she loves you, but she just doesn't want to show it, or can't. Don't try and punish her or whatever.
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Hyrule18937 Posts
Move out? I don't really know anything about you, but your environment sounds pretty shitty.
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Hey dude, hope you stay strong. Parents can be tricky, for sure. If things get too bad, and if she keeps hitting you all the time, you need to seriously think about calling abuse helpline and see if they can help you get a place or a dorm etc.
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dude how do people even turn into a psychotic retard like that?
I feel sorry for you man ;-; ><;
also clearly this is enervate's 1st time reading your blogs :V
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be sarcastic, but overly nice to her, that will really get under her skin..
when she makes fun of you for not having a girlfriend respond with:
"I'm sorry mother, you're so beautiful and kind and intelligent, not everyone is as lucky as you must have been to find your husband through a matchmaking service, please understand."
or when she says you're a retard just be like:
"Please mother don't say such things, I'm trying as hard as I can to be as smart as you are *point out dumb ass thing that she has done*"
say all of this in a calm compassionate voice and she'll probably have a god damn heart attack. This will of course cause more fighting but it will be so satisfying that you won't even be mad anymore, you'll just laugh your ass...
OH, and you can try LAUGHING in her face when she gets all riled up, that REALLY pisses them off. Thats what I used to do, just stay calm, smile, chuckle, and let them know that you really dont give a shit about what they think. When she realizes that her opinions mean nothing to you and they actually just end up making you laugh, she'll stop trying.
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I feel bad dude, That is a really bad situation.. I would suggest just trying to not stay much at all ever. And when they ask why your being so quiet just tell her I am guessing you can't move out now.
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Netherlands4652 Posts
Seems like a case for Dr. Phil to me, maybe he can help.
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jesus christ.
your blogs keep getting more depressing. the way this one ended makes me think you're going to do something crazy to yourself or to your mom.
i think your number one priority right now should be to distance yourself from your mother as much as you can - this is insanity.
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Blazinghand
United States25550 Posts
If you're an adult, and if things are bad at home, try to get a job and just move out as soon as possible. If you manage your money wisely and leave in a small apartment cheap area (maybe with a roommate), you can live on your own with a low-paying job.
To be honest, it sounds like it's psychologically damaging for you to be at home, and in the long run, this will be a better life for you if you take matters into your own hands and get out. Once you've lived out of the house for a while, you'll be better able to deal with your parents.
Do you want to quit as her son? You can. You just need to find a full-time paying job to support yourself.
EDIT: Note that this is far easier said than done, as it's hard to find jobs and it's hard to live on your own. It's just that in your case it may be worth it.
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she's not acting like a very good christian btw...
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Does your father know how she talks to you? I would definitely get a recording of her yelling at you either way. Have a counselor listen to it if your father has already heard it.
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I don't know old you are, so i don't what the best method for you but one thing is you need to talk to someone who can help you deal with that. I don't if it's gonna be your school counselor or a friend of your family or a neighbor, pick someone you can trust and who will want to help.
Find a way to go see him without your mother knowing it, explain what's going on, but most importantly explain you're suffering for being helpless about the situation. Tell him that you just can't stand it any longer, cry, yell release some steam, it's awfully good sometime.
Ah and another thing I used when i felt depressed is to train yourself to feel nothing, some kind of meditation to relax. Just seat and breathe and feel nothing, think about anything or repeat a phrase you like (i used to say the litany against fear in my head for hours) just try to feel neither good or bad feelings it's very relaxing. I don't really know how to explain how i used to do it but it's sit, breathe calmly and try to repeat a phrase you like in your head (a phrase that lead you to calm yourself not something like "I will kill you" but rather something like "I am now really calm and relax").
Depression is extremely hard to deal with, being aware of it is a really big step in dealing with it. Now you just need to find a way to deal with the bad moments.
Keep your head up and good luck.
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Well this blog shows your feelings more coherently than you can tell your mom. So... get her to read the blog post.
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EPT
