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On January 25 2011 11:16 ci_esteban wrote:
People's suggestions telling you to try and change him are completely stupid and pointless. Think about how hard it is to change negative aspects of yourself and then you'll realize how futile it is to try to get someone to do a 180 in their day to day habits. It ain't happening. DO NOT TRY AND REMEDY THE SITUATION. Even if he changes for a little while he'll go back to his old habits. It's like someone who does P90X for a week and then goes back to not working out at all.
If he has two months at the end of the semester to find new roommates or get his living situation in order then that sounds like plenty of time. You could put it off until that late but that seems kinda douchy. The sooner the better I'd say.
thats what i feel as well
i have been bearing in mind during the semester that he's lived his entire life this way and its not gonna be easy to change. so i was nice to him about reminders on cleaning up and whatnot, and that didn't work well, and i started being a little sterner about it, and that hasn't been very productive either. ur analogy to the p90x really stuck out to me because its exactly like you said; id sit him down and tell him stuff hes gotta do as a responsible housemate, and it seemed like weve come to a clear agreement. it would go well for a few days, and then he would start slacking and blowing it off again. considering that this temporary improvement and back into regression cycle has been persisting throughout the semester, i honestly feel hes gonna regress again after he feels like things have cooled down a bit.
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I am a bit curious on how you managed to live together with two friends and then take in a third guy and having the lease end up in his name?
To me it sounds like you are just living in a bit of chaos with no rules or schedule, i can imagine that is going bad. If you are really tight with someone and share habits with them it can work not having any rules but generally it is a crapshot. When i shared an apartment it was pretty simple stuff:
* Once a week (friday saturday or sunday) the shared areas are cleaned, meaning kitchen, batchroom, common room and hallway. This mean vacuum cleaning and wiping clean everything in the kitchen, bathroom and tables etc. It rotates who does it, if the person whoose week it is cant he must trade with someone else to do it before friday.
*Once a month a more thorough cleaning, also rotate who does it. (or all do it together)
*Everytime you you have used the kitchen, wipe clean, do dishes, put your shit away. Leaving dirty dishes = death.
*In the fridge have separete shelves, if you share some groceries set up a separete budget for this and split the costs each month. Taking some of the others milk/whatever is okay as long as you dont take the last and YOU can buy new whatever it is before he runs out of it.
We also had general rules for having friends over, sound levels early mornings/late nights, walking around naked (at least once a week, if possible once a day), leaving your shit in the shared areas (dont. just dont. if you do it is assumed everything lying around is garbadge since you obviously dont give a shit about it. If you did you would not leave it out). Last one is a bit fluid, we left stuff like books and magasines out bit it was all sorted out during the cleaning every weekend. Clothes was a big no-no and it happened that someone sweater went out with the garbage if they did not learn.
When i was living in a student corridor (8 "apartments" sharing a kitchen) it was even more strict. Each week one person was responsible of taking out garbage and stuff like that, and if you ate something that did not belong to you it was pitchfork time.
If someone was not following the rules usually it meant:
1) Talking to.
2) Increased % of rent being paid. This usually works wonders, if a lazy slob has to pay twice the rent a month he usually shapes up. Just set down the rules and the "fine" for screwing up beforehand, do not come and say afterwards that soemone has to pay extra, that just pisses them off.
3) Kicked to the curb if none of the above works. Or kept if you feel the lower rent is worth it 
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OK is the OP done trolling so we can get off this now
"Honestly, I don't want to room with him again period. We've tried for the duration of last semester to fix his act (nicely for a good part of it!), but he really hasn't shown much improvement. And he doesn't take our complaints seriously.... like we hounded him for weeks about the boxer issue, and he kept blowing us off, until we finally got fed up with it and just stapled all his fucking underwear shut.... it's just the kind of guy he is."
THis is you, the OP, being a pussy.
You "...dont WANT to get in a room with him again, period. "
Ok, so there you have it. Grow a pair and tell the dipshit to move out. It's pretty cut and dry at this point, I don't see what else there is to talk about. Kick the shithead out, tell him how you feel, and quit being such a fucking pansy about it.
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On January 25 2011 22:56 InFdude wrote:
TBH i don't know if i wouldn't like Bob but I definitely wouldn't be able to live with the OP.What are you a housewive?To me you sound a bit jealous of how easy he has it.And it sounds like you are missing alot of things.He didn't pay for groceries ...ok but didn't he have his own food?Or how many rooms do you have and does he leave a mess in his own room and stuff like that.
Anyway just tell him it's not working out but don't list the reasons or he might wrestle your annoying ass.
This is how I feel too. OP was fortunate to live with some of the neatest cleanest teenagers in the country and one semi-normal guy definitely made himself look like an outcast. What can I say, if perfection is all OP wants he should go for it. Plus he can't really start liking someone he currently hates, no matter what that guy does to improve.
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On January 25 2011 10:48 OMin wrote:Show nested quote +On January 25 2011 07:58 Gene wrote:
dude suck it up and deal with it. My roommate was EXACTLY
EXACTLY the same way. his mom sent him with a months food in tin foil and frozen. he asked me in june where the garbage dumpster was. so on and so forth.
kid was, is, and always will be my BEST friend. if its only your first couple months with him, give it some time.
also, kids like that are use to being taken care of. it doesnt even strike him as odd that you all do his dishes. ask him. point out he doesnt do any while you all do. he will probably see sense in it. its not fair to him that you all start holding resentment against him because you dont want to ask him to help out. if you ask and he says no, then its different. the thing is, this guy isn't exactly a close friend, or else id be much more willing to tolerate it. his personality clashes with one of my other roomies, to the point where they were yelling at each other and trying to throw each other to the ground several times... if it was just me complaining, i would say im not in a position to think about changing roommates, but my other 2 roommates also dont like how things are right now either. Show nested quote +On January 25 2011 09:20 JeeJee wrote: lol? all i got from the OP is that he's messy (the other things you brought up are imho, you making a deal out of things that are ridiculous and would make me dislike you as a roommate haha) if you can't get him to clean his shit up, that's fine and is a good enough reason to dislike him/move out. i hate living with messy roomies myself. but something tells me you haven't tried talking to him about any specific issues at all. you just kind of clean up after himself with your roomies and hope he'll get the hint? that won't work, he just thinks you're nice. i do have my share of flaws, and maybe some people would better tolerate my situation than i would. lol im not into the whole passive aggressive deal. weve clearly reiterated repeatedly about the things he needs to do better... as we speak he is napping, while there are crumbs from his meal left all over the dinner table. weve told him a million times that he cant do stuff like that, so how are we supposed to get him to fix his act without being control freaks if reminders ad naseum are obviously not working?
well, aside from the fact that complaining about crumbs immediately post-meal is a wee bit insane, you really can't do much. if you've explicitly told him your standards, and he refuses to conform and you all feel that you cannot live like this (..), then move out/kick him out when lease is finished. you owe him nothing, so i don't really see the problem. doesn't really matter when/what you tell him; you didn't make a specific agreement to lease for longer than the term (i assume) so you don't even have to tell him anything. he needs a place to live, he'll find one. he needs to find roomies to replace you guys, he'll find them. neither is very hard
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On January 26 2011 04:23 news wrote:Show nested quote +On January 25 2011 22:56 InFdude wrote:
TBH i don't know if i wouldn't like Bob but I definitely wouldn't be able to live with the OP.What are you a housewive?To me you sound a bit jealous of how easy he has it.And it sounds like you are missing alot of things.He didn't pay for groceries ...ok but didn't he have his own food?Or how many rooms do you have and does he leave a mess in his own room and stuff like that.
Anyway just tell him it's not working out but don't list the reasons or he might wrestle your annoying ass. This is how I feel too. OP was fortunate to live with some of the neatest cleanest teenagers in the country and one semi-normal guy definitely made himself look like an outcast. What can I say, if perfection is all OP wants he should go for it. Plus he can't really start liking someone he currently hates, no matter what that guy does to improve.
Sorry for not making this clear, but as a friend, hes a pretty good guy and i dont hate him. i just dislike having him as a roommate. im not trying to pin a bunch of shit onto this guy for no reason; i only decided to room with him in the first place because i liked him as a person.
as for the food issue, yes, he has his own food, BUT he still eats some of our stuff too without paying for it.
his room is also my room. if his issue was limited to just disorganization/messiness, i would just bear with it as i am not the neatest guy in the world either. but its more than that. i was about to list some more reasons, but thought twice as i learned the hard way from the rest of the thread that its not gonna foster helpful comments.
I know ive been kind of belligerent in some of my responses, and being a relatively nice guy, i dont like doing/shouldnt have done that, so i apologize. I was just really tired of seeing unhelpful responses focusing on one detail telling me stuff like "you cant complain just cuz hes messy" when obviously thats only one of the many issues that have snowballed up to this point. I know that I am a reasonable guy who isn't doing this just cuz im neurotic about little things or spiteful.
Anyways, I would like to give you guys a small update. What some of you guys have said on here really makes me want to give him a second chance. So I went to discuss this thought with my other roommates to see how they feel about that option last night. Though they werent wholly opposed to it, they both pointed to a habit that Bob has: we will agree on and set a rule, which Bob will abide by nicely for a period, but after things cool down a bit, he starts being lax about it and doesnt follow the rule anymore. I feel that my roommates are right in that this same pattern could occur at a bigger scale if we were to give him an if-you-improve-we-wont-move ultimatum, where he would show improvement for the given time period he has to show it, but once he knows hes safe, he will just start blowing it all off again. That would just perpetuate the issue and probably lead us to think about moving out again next year. We havent come to a conclusion on what to do, but we will be talking to other people and getting opinions and finalize things this weekend before we approach Bob.
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tell him your problems
mutually agree with your other roommates.... any dirty he shit he leaves out just put it on his bed... dishes clothes..random food whatever jus throw it on his bed so he gets used binning it otherwise he will have to clean his bed out every night x]
or call terry tate ;]!!!
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On January 25 2011 16:56 OMin wrote:Show nested quote +On January 25 2011 11:16 ci_esteban wrote:
People's suggestions telling you to try and change him are completely stupid and pointless. Think about how hard it is to change negative aspects of yourself and then you'll realize how futile it is to try to get someone to do a 180 in their day to day habits. It ain't happening. DO NOT TRY AND REMEDY THE SITUATION. Even if he changes for a little while he'll go back to his old habits. It's like someone who does P90X for a week and then goes back to not working out at all.
If he has two months at the end of the semester to find new roommates or get his living situation in order then that sounds like plenty of time. You could put it off until that late but that seems kinda douchy. The sooner the better I'd say. thats what i feel as well i have been bearing in mind during the semester that he's lived his entire life this way and its not gonna be easy to change. so i was nice to him about reminders on cleaning up and whatnot, and that didn't work well, and i started being a little sterner about it, and that hasn't been very productive either. ur analogy to the p90x really stuck out to me because its exactly like you said; id sit him down and tell him stuff hes gotta do as a responsible housemate, and it seemed like weve come to a clear agreement. it would go well for a few days, and then he would start slacking and blowing it off again. considering that this temporary improvement and back into regression cycle has been persisting throughout the semester, i honestly feel hes gonna regress again after he feels like things have cooled down a bit.
honestly, if you're just going to agree with the comments that corresponds with your view while not responding to the ones that criticizes your view, what is the point of this thread? why do you even need it?
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On January 26 2011 07:42 lastmotion wrote:Show nested quote +On January 25 2011 16:56 OMin wrote:On January 25 2011 11:16 ci_esteban wrote:
People's suggestions telling you to try and change him are completely stupid and pointless. Think about how hard it is to change negative aspects of yourself and then you'll realize how futile it is to try to get someone to do a 180 in their day to day habits. It ain't happening. DO NOT TRY AND REMEDY THE SITUATION. Even if he changes for a little while he'll go back to his old habits. It's like someone who does P90X for a week and then goes back to not working out at all.
If he has two months at the end of the semester to find new roommates or get his living situation in order then that sounds like plenty of time. You could put it off until that late but that seems kinda douchy. The sooner the better I'd say. thats what i feel as well i have been bearing in mind during the semester that he's lived his entire life this way and its not gonna be easy to change. so i was nice to him about reminders on cleaning up and whatnot, and that didn't work well, and i started being a little sterner about it, and that hasn't been very productive either. ur analogy to the p90x really stuck out to me because its exactly like you said; id sit him down and tell him stuff hes gotta do as a responsible housemate, and it seemed like weve come to a clear agreement. it would go well for a few days, and then he would start slacking and blowing it off again. considering that this temporary improvement and back into regression cycle has been persisting throughout the semester, i honestly feel hes gonna regress again after he feels like things have cooled down a bit. honestly, if you're just going to agree with the comments that corresponds with your view while not responding to the ones that criticizes your view, what is the point of this thread? why do you even need it?
my intent in posting this was to get a range of opinions and advice in order to gauge the best way to approach my roommate.
the thing is, a lot of the comments that are against me trying to move out stemmed out of misunderstanding whats going on or focusing on a small part of the big picture, so i couldnt help but argue against them or disregard them. im partly to blame for this confusion since i didnt utilize this blog in the most productive way when i got riled up by negative comments that werent fairly based... i guess that also makes me foolish for expecting people to be able to accurately grasp the situation through a forum post.
but through the helpful comments people have left, i got what i needed. so were going to talk to Bob and get this thing sorted out when everyones home next week.
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Okay this is easy, if he is actually your friend you can tell him to shape up or gtfo.
Or you can live with his shit and just ignore it. Eventually the house will look like shit so someone will have to clean up. Let it be him or nobody at all.
As for food, if he is still eating your food without paying for it even after you've told him to stop, just take his and see how he likes it. If he doesn't say anything, win-win, you didn't lose anything at all.
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Hey guys. I owe everybody who posted here a final update on how things went.
So the household convened today and we all had the big talk today... I was honestly gritting my teeth for the worst and trying to break it as nicely as possible, but after the first sentence came out of my mouth, Bob was like: "Sure, no problem, I was thinking about moving out as well". From there, there was no explanation needed as that was no longer an issue as he was thinking about moving out if we were gonna stay anyway.
I'm really glad it worked out so painlessly and easily. We're all probably gonna be living somewhere else once the lease ends. I really do wish I wasn't so afraid of a bad response and kept beating around the bush, as it turned out really really well.
Thank you everyone for the input and advice!
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EPT
