EPT
fight with mom's partner - Page 5
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B.I.G.
3251 Posts
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r.Evo
Germany14079 Posts
On August 04 2013 14:14 guN-viCe wrote: Let's look at the original post: 1) OP is habitually verbally and emotionally attacked (reread OP for quotes... unless you think he's a liar) 2) OP gives examples of BF abusing his mother 3) OP states BF likes to physically intimidate 4) OP and sister both dislike BF, mother is upset often over BF's actions. 5) ???? 4) is completely irrelevant. 3) Physical intimidation is, under certain circumstances both understandable and acceptable. Specifically the example given with the "Christmas lights" is a situation that was escalated by OP. 2) There was no single example of abuse in the OP. Dominant behaviour, probably past the point of it being healthy for a relationship? Yes. Insulting behaviour, more specifically abusing certain insecurities? Yes. From the examples given there was no physical abuse and psychological abuse tends to come in more obvious ways. The mother seems to not value those scenarios that much and note that she still maintains certain positions (shouting back in the Christmas lights scene) which also isn't very typical for an abuse scenario. 1) Well, yeah. He's an ass, we got that far. If someone calls you a useless piece of shit, do you call yourself a victim? I hope not. | ||
MightyAtom
Korea (South)1897 Posts
if you graduated from university/college, then why not try something entirely different than looking locally for a job; like teaching english; I know a lot of people bag on foreign english teachers, but it actually is a good option if you don't have many; and if you do save, you'll be able to pay back your loans and enjoy something really unique and really find your own identity away from all the things that are around you. I say this cause I don't think it's reasonable to think your mom's boy friend is gonna change, and just cause your mom wants you to stay, well sometimes a man has to go off on his own and own something for himself. but i think in your case, you simply don't think you have many options; simply moving to your grandmum's place 20 mins ago, is besides the point. http://www.eslcafe.com/jobs/korea/ http://www.eslcafe.com/jobs/korea/index.cgi?read=58187 now you're gonna have to do some research, the wages may not seem like much, but they take care of your housing and flights or even other locations like China or Thailand, but I think it is a great opportunity and the easiest way to get out there with a job and a new start on things because sometimes we just need something like that. and if you end up spending 5 years out there and you get stuck in the english teach rut, its cool at least you're doing something and you never know, a nice foreign girlfiend and some nice new hobbies that you find overseas may contribute to your overall growth. i totally understand your living conditions; i don't think there is much you can do there because it is all about the alpha male power thing and even if you fight back, ulitmately your mom gets in the middle and that isn't something you want you mom to be in the middle of either right? just take your life in your hands, you're gonna live with a healthy able body until your at least 55 or so, so if you start now, maybe by 32 you're be stable and then enjoy the rest of your life the way you'd like too ^^ cheers! | ||
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Fumanchu
Canada669 Posts
On August 04 2013 14:09 guN-viCe wrote: Welcome to the adult world. What flies in junior high and high school is not the real world. Beating on kids when you are a kid works because 1)they often don't speak out 2)they often don't fight back 3)the punishment for kid fights is practically nothing unless police and the justice system are repeatedly and routinely called upon. In the real world, if you assault someone you get fines, counseling, jail time, prison time, lose your job, lose your money, lose your life, etc. Well it really depends on the severity of the attack. If OP begs for this D-bag to hit him, and he lashes out and punches him in the face, not much is really going to happen. At the most, he might spend an overnighter. However the point I was trying to make, and I'll admit I made it poorly, is that your route really isn't the best option he has. On August 04 2013 14:14 guN-viCe wrote: Let's look at the original post: 1) OP is habitually verbally and emotionally attacked (reread OP for quotes... unless you think he's a liar) 2) OP gives examples of BF abusing his mother 3) OP states BF likes to physically intimidate 4) OP and sister both dislike BF, mother is upset often over BF's actions. 5) ???? I get what you're saying, but you have to admit that your opinion is biased. You yourself noted that you have been abused in the past. I'm not trying to dig into that, and I am truly sorry if that's true. However, from my standpoint, and I believe the standpoint of others, it seems that in this case the OP is less of a victim, and more of someone who just needs to start growing up. | ||
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MightyAtom
Korea (South)1897 Posts
On August 04 2013 14:27 MightyAtom wrote: Hey OP, if you graduated from university/college, then why not try something entirely different than looking locally for a job; like teaching english; I know a lot of people bag on foreign english teachers, but it actually is a good option if you don't have many; and if you do save, you'll be able to pay back your loans and enjoy something really unique and really find your own identity away from all the things that are around you. I say this cause I don't think it's reasonable to think your mom's boy friend is gonna change, and just cause your mom wants you to stay, well sometimes a man has to go off on his own and own something for himself. but i think in your case, you simply don't think you have many options; simply moving to your grandmum's place 20 mins ago, is besides the point. http://www.eslcafe.com/jobs/korea/ http://www.eslcafe.com/jobs/korea/index.cgi?read=58187 now you're gonna have to do some research, the wages may not seem like much, but they take care of your housing and flights or even other locations like China or Thailand, but I think it is a great opportunity and the easiest way to get out there with a job and a new start on things because sometimes we just need something like that. and if you end up spending 5 years out there and you get stuck in the english teach rut, its cool at least you're doing something and you never know, a nice foreign girlfiend and some nice new hobbies that you find overseas may contribute to your overall growth. i totally understand your living conditions; i don't think there is much you can do there because it is all about the alpha male power thing and even if you fight back, ulitmately your mom gets in the middle and that isn't something you want you mom to be in the middle of either right? just take your life in your hands, you're gonna live with a healthy able body until your at least 55 or so, so if you start now, maybe by 32 you're be stable and then enjoy the rest of your life the way you'd like too ^^ cheers! btw, there are a lot of pot holes for the english teacher route, so do your research, but anyway, I'm just saying you need options ^^ | ||
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guN-viCe
United States687 Posts
On August 04 2013 14:24 r.Evo wrote: 4) is completely irrelevant. 3) Physical intimidation is, under certain circumstances both understandable and acceptable. Specifically the example given with the "Christmas lights" is a situation that was escalated by OP. 2) There was no single example of abuse in the OP. Dominant behaviour, probably past the point of it being healthy for a relationship? Yes. Insulting behaviour, more specifically abusing certain insecurities? Yes. From the examples given there was no physical abuse and psychological abuse tends to come in more obvious ways. The mother seems to not value those scenarios that much and note that she still maintains certain positions (shouting back in the Christmas lights scene) which also isn't very typical for an abuse scenario. 1) Well, yeah. He's an ass, we got that far. If someone calls you a useless piece of shit, do you call yourself a victim? I hope not. This is wrong: 4) OP, sister and mother are upset and have each individually received abuse even though they have made it clear they do not want it. You are arguing their pain. The pain BF caused. Chronic unrelenting pain. 3) Legally, in the USA, you are wrong. Physical intimidation is assault. Attacking someone is battery: Generally, the essential elements of assault consist of an act intended to cause an apprehension of harmful or offensive contact that causes apprehension of such contact in the victim. The act required for an assault must be overt. Although words alone are insufficient, they might create an assault when coupled with some action that indicates the ability to carry out the threat. A mere threat to harm is not an assault; however, a threat combined with a raised fist might be sufficient if it causes a reasonable apprehension of harm in the victim.LINK 2) I don't have time to teach you these concepts but they are very real and there is a lot of information out there on the topic(s). Verbal and emotional abuse is not punishable by law AFAIK, but it is VERY damaging. Please do a simple Google search. 1) Same as #2 | ||
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dAPhREAk
Nauru12397 Posts
On August 04 2013 14:45 guN-viCe wrote: This is wrong: 4) OP, sister and mother are upset and have each individually received abuse even though they have made it clear they do not want it. You are arguing their pain. The pain BF caused. Chronic unrelenting pain. 3) Legally, in the USA, you are wrong. Physical intimidation is assault. Attacking someone is battery: 2) I don't have time to teach you these concepts but they are very real and there is a lot of information out there on the topic(s). Verbal and emotional abuse is not punishable by law AFAIK, but it is VERY damaging. Please do a simple Google search. 1) Same as #2 i assume you agree with everyone that the guy needs to get a job and get out of the house, right? because you seem to be losing the forest for the trees. | ||
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guN-viCe
United States687 Posts
On August 04 2013 14:29 Fumanchu wrote: Well it really depends on the severity of the attack. If OP begs for this D-bag to hit him, and he lashes out and punches him in the face, not much is really going to happen. At the most, he might spend an overnighter. However the point I was trying to make, and I'll admit I made it poorly, is that your route really isn't the best option he has. I get what you're saying, but you have to admit that your opinion is biased. You yourself noted that you have been abused in the past. I'm not trying to dig into that, and I am truly sorry if that's true. However, from my standpoint, and I believe the standpoint of others, it seems that in this case the OP is less of a victim, and more of someone who just needs to start growing up. I agree that OP needs to grow up(like learning to stick up for himself); everyone can improve upon something. As for my biased opinion, I don't doubt that it is so. Yet it's a moot point because everyone on earth has been a victim at some point. Everyone has been on the receiving end of either physical or emotional abuse; everyone has been a victim at least once. To claim otherwise is a delusion. | ||
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guN-viCe
United States687 Posts
On August 04 2013 14:48 dAPhREAk wrote: i assume you agree with everyone that the guy needs to get a job and get out of the house, right? because you seem to be losing the forest for the trees. Ask yourself why does the mom wants him to stay?.. Then ask yourself, does she have the right to let him stay? But yea, the best thing for him to do is to leave this toxic environment. | ||
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Sero
United States692 Posts
On August 04 2013 14:45 guN-viCe wrote: This is wrong: 4) OP, sister and mother are upset and have each individually received abuse even though they have made it clear they do not want it. You are arguing their pain. The pain BF caused. Chronic unrelenting pain. 3) Legally, in the USA, you are wrong. Physical intimidation is assault. Attacking someone is battery: 2) I don't have time to teach you these concepts but they are very real and there is a lot of information out there on the topic(s). Verbal and emotional abuse is not punishable by law AFAIK, but it is VERY damaging. Please do a simple Google search. 1) Same as #2 What exactly about his post is wrong? Again, 4) is irrelevant. You can leave out the appeal to emotion, and saying "I don't have time to teach you" lends nothing to your argument. What concepts? That abuse is bad? lol | ||
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jrkirby
United States1510 Posts
On August 04 2013 11:32 VayneAuthority wrote: have you ever thought about becoming a serial killer? I've considered it, but I guess I never got lucky enough. | ||
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Balgrog
United States1221 Posts
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Battleaxe
United States843 Posts
Don't think I've seen this suggested, but what about the military? My backup plan coming out of college was if I couldn't get a job by the time my loans went into repayment military would have been the best option. I honestly don't know how well it would work out considering you've been dismissed from multiple jobs for poor attitude, but maybe something to think about. Perhaps threaten military to leverage being able to move in with your grandparents? I've had a few friends who have been in similar family situations, and in almost every case that comes to mind, things escalated to a fistfight between friend and stepfather. Take that for what you will, but staying where you are seems to be one of the worst options you've got. Best of luck. | ||
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Blisse
Canada3710 Posts
You are an adult. Your time and need of parental has ended 10 years ago. You do not have the right to ask anything of the world anymore. You cannot change the world, nor the people around you. All you can hope to do is change yourself, and hope that people around you see the change in yourself and reflect upon their own actions, thereby effecting change in them. If you don't want to deal with the person, just leave them. If this man is physically and verbally abusive, once you have attempted your best to assert to your family that you do not enjoy the company of this person, if the situation has not changed, you have to change. We've already found out you have your own personal issues to deal with. Why not deal with them first? Whether or not your environment is the cause of your misery, all you can ask is to change yourself, not others. If you want to somehow resolve the conflict and be a loving family, you can change your own attitude and outlook in a way that is so striking that it causes your aggressor to reconsider his evaluation of you, because their evaluation of you will become so overwhelmingly wrong, it becomes difficult to keep up the hatred. If you think that the opinion is never going to change, then either you haven't tried enough, or you should remove yourself from the poisonous environment and conflict after doing your best to resolve the conflict with your family. Let's make it clear, you cannot through your force of will try to convince your mother that he's a horrible person. Clearly her view of him is different from yours. She needs to come to that realization on her own (which hopefully she eventually does). But you can't speed up the process. Only intervene if it turns out to become actually physical and/or emotional abuse, because she doesn't feel that way right now. In any case, change yourself first. You have to recognize you are only responsible for your part of the conflict between the two of you. Fix yourself. If you still have problems, fix yourself more. If you've truly exhausted all your options (which you never will), leave. But fix yourself first, whether by leaving your house, getting a job, whatever. We empathize with your struggles, but don't mistake it for believing you're not partially at fault here for elevating the conflict to this point. Aggressive verbal conflict is very immature. You're being immature here (as is he). Physical assault is pathetic. If he assaults you, defend yourself as much as you require and leave. It's not worth it. Rise above his actions instead of degrading yourself to his level. @gun-vice. He's an adult. If he's being abused, he has the capability of removing himself from the environment and doing something about the situation. He's doing neither, and instead decides on aggravating the aggressor. If he needs to make it clear that there is an issue with the bf's behavior that he can't allow, there are other options to resolve the conflict instead of continuing the escalating the tension. It is not reasonable to expect others to change when you're not doing a fair part of the work as well. Now for more personal advice, if your mother really wants what's best for you and she understands that you can't be in the company of this man, she should understand why you have to move out. You are given the opportunity to get away from this asshole of a person. Take it and cherish it. Make sure your mother is actually okay (and not being abused), but make sure you're in a better place first, and maybe it'll be a step towards getting a better job, and not being so miserable. Bring your sister along too because she sounds like she needs help too. | ||
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guN-viCe
United States687 Posts
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Sero
United States692 Posts
On August 04 2013 15:29 guN-viCe wrote: @ sero, You're asking me to repeat my post? To go more in depth? You want me to break down every false argument with an essay? No, please don't repeat it. Your post said that he was wrong, but had no actual substance apart from randomly including the definition of assault. A rational argument with logical reasoning would be nice, not ridiculous nonsense like "STOP BLAMING THE VICTIM." and " You are arguing their pain. The pain BF caused. Chronic unrelenting pain." Statements like those add nothing apart from making you sound hysterical, and "I don't have time to teach you" is simply condescending. | ||
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Shebuha
Canada1335 Posts
Just DO something. | ||
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PassionFruit
294 Posts
It's not that hard. Move out and find a job. You're a grown man. If you want to move out, then move the fuck out. Stop whining like a little bitch. You're fucking 28. Jesus Christ man. | ||
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dAPhREAk
Nauru12397 Posts
On August 04 2013 14:59 guN-viCe wrote: Ask yourself why does the mom wants him to stay?.. Then ask yourself, does she have the right to let him stay? But yea, the best thing for him to do is to leave this toxic environment. i doubt it; i think she feels obligated because its her son. i doubt she wants her adult children living with her especially since they dont get along with her bf. does she have the right? dont know english law on tenants in common, so i have no idea. i doubt one co-owner can force another co-owner to keep their adult children with them over their objection. | ||
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lisward
Singapore959 Posts
On August 04 2013 01:19 FFGenerations wrote: last night i almost had a fight with my moms boyfriend (together for 5 ish years) i live in the same house, they built a new house together and we moved in 6 months ago or whatever. i work 2 days a week, was "asked to leave" my old 2 days a week job for being too miserable so now do 2 days holiday caravan cleaning. getting a job where i live is almost impossible, im talking 100 applicants per job (any job). my mom's bf hates me because im a loser who sits at home on the computer all day and doesnt have a job. my sister and myself hate this man because he is, without being able to comprehend it, insanely dominating and controlling. i looked up "control freak" on internet and he matches it. i have never heard him NOT give his opinion on something , talking over the other person, assuring them that he is correct and telling them why they are wrong. i literally do not open my mouth around him for the last year, even to talk to my mom when he is in the room because he will interject about anything and let us know how right he is about it. he is not directly aggressive but i feel threatened by the way he talks, he says things like , watching me put stuff in the dishwasher , "OH SO IT ISNT _YOU_ PUTTING THINGS THE WRONG WAY ROUND IN THE DISHWASHER, THEN." its not just me that cant stand him, i talked to one of our house builders and he was saying wtf is that guys problem, hes not your father is he? my sister has told me she cannot stand him he will talk over you when you are saying something , to take over . he will (purposely??) get in your way or not move out the way for you in order to assert his physical dominance in the room. he will say random commands like SHUT THE FRIDGE UP or close it infront of you when you're getting things out. we went about 6 weeks where me/mom would put old plastic shopping bags in a bottom drawer to store them but because he didnt like it he kept throwing them out every time we put any. he has insane control shit going on and has literally no ability to recognise the way he acts. infact i have heard him "joke" several times now, when my mom tries to assert herself (in something random like where she is going to park the car when we go out) he has said "oooh, your mother is getting the school teacher act on now, shes such a control freak". i am just sitting there thinking holy hell what the fuck. my mom is like the nicest person possible and i can only imagine she perhaps told him he has control issues one time and now he likes to bring it up and accuse her of it, because he is completely incapable of listening to another person or compromising --- last night was another example, we go to cinema, i say 1 word in the car home. my mom says "i want some chips", i say "you can go to mcdonalds", this man says "WHY WOULD YOU GO TO MCDONALDS." (because he wants to go to another chip shop) me : ".....(i cant stand this man)" later we all went to bed, then suddenly insane hail stones+storm like never heard on the roof. i get up and go downstairs , open the back door and look out. shut it, pick up the cat and go to the lounge to look out that door. he comes down aswell to see the storm (both of us just wearing a towel). he says WHAT ARE YOU DOING? (obviously he came down to see the insane flash storm too) me: im looking at the hail stones him: WHY IS THAT CAT IN HERE? (he moves to look outside and obviously i move away from him, i go back to the back door) him: WHY ARE ALL THE LIGHTS ON? ITS LIKE CHRISTMAS IN HERE. YOU KNOW WHAT THE BILL WILL BE LIKE. WHY ARE THE LIGHTS ALL ON EVERYWHERE? he is in caps btw because he has a deep as fuck, commanding voice. so i crack up, like i did a few months ago when he talked to me like a dog and commanded that i get a banana out of my bedroom. i shout at him: "COZ I JUST CAME DOWN 1 MINUTE AGO TO LOOK AT THE FUCKING RAIN, LIKE YOU DID". he walks right up to me now, pushes his chest a little bit against mine and sticks his finger up in my face (like he did a few months ago aswell) , and starts to say something like "Now you listen to me..." i push past him to escape and shout back GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU --- i rush up to my room and he comes after me, my mom comes down screaming WTF is happening you two>?? he starts going on about how i have problems and im a loser and im screaming at him to get the fuck away from me and out of my room, that i cant stand this man any longer, that both me and my sister fucking hate him, he is a psychopath, i cant live with him any longer, ive done my best for a year but i cant stand him. at one point i try to close my door on him and we have a door tug of war. my mom is crying for an hour and it alternates with both me and my moms bf saying that we're going to leave, but my mom wants both of us to stay, eventually we go to the lounge to "talk" but i know this man is completely unable to listen or talk to anyone, my mom screams at him like 5 times because every time he opens his mouth its to say im a loser etc, im just sitting there coz i know it is a lost cause. later my mom is in my room and saying how did she get into this situation, and begging me not to leave, im hugging her and saying i wont --- my friend says "it might be your own problem if you cant handle how someone else talks to you, if he isnt physically threatening you or abusive then its not his fault thats how you feel about him". but then again thats my friends "go to" for just about everything. he also said "why did you confront a control freak? you cant win against them" --- its the next evening now, ive just got home and no1 is in yet. idk what will happen. i can move out to my grandmothers house (20 mins away) but my mom does not want me to leave, she wants to live with me, in the new house. she doesnt know what to do, she cant live with this problem, she just wants us all to get along. i am very passive/submissive/accepting and so can get along with anyone, i managed it for a year with just these 2 explosions when this man treats me like a dog too much. he is like a territorial guerrilla he says i am leaching off of him and my mother, but if i were to get a full time job he would not change the way he is towards me because that is his nature towards everyone, to be a control freak and stamp on every word that comes out of your mouth, and to enjoy it I won't sugar coat it, you're a push over. I can say this because I used to be that kind of guy as well. Your friend's are most likely push-overs as well, the phrase 'you are who you hang out with', always has some truth to it. He is kind of making sense too when he thinks you're leeching off him and his mother. The way people treat you, has nothing to do with the way people are, but what you're willing to take from people. You feel threatened because you're being dominated by an asshole, and he will keep dominating you because you're a push-over. If he pushes you, fucking push him back. Most push-over males will keep their hatred in them until they can't take it anymore, and they'll explode. Don't be that guy. If he doesn't agree with you, don't argue, just be that guy who's like, "Is that what you really think? Sure." Because he's internally referenced and he know's he's right. If he fucks around with you, call him out on it. What are you threatened of? What will he fight with you? Stop being a pussy and fight back. The worst that could happen is, you'd get beaten up in front of your mother, which will probably feel like shit and make you look like a bigger pussy, but you'd have stood up to him. What woman would want to be with a man who beats up his son. Don't ever take shit from bullies. | ||
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