fight with mom's partner

On August 04 2013 01:53 FFGenerations wrote:
can you not post random irrelevent onion crap in my blog

On August 04 2013 01:56 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote:
If he's the type of person you seem to think he is, he's probably trying to get your mother alone, zone everybody else out of her life so that he can control her completely and utterly. That's usually the endgame for people like him. I take it your mom is pretty passive?

On August 04 2013 02:27 Elegy wrote:

Being too miserable? You got fired for having a shitty attitude in a place where jobs are apparently very hard to come by? Time for some tough love man, but you need to man the fuck up if that is true. Get a job, get some money, go to college, and move out. Take charge.

On August 04 2013 02:45 FFGenerations wrote:


idk what you mean by shitty attitude, im not a fucking super human. i lasted 6 months there, then he asked me to voluntarily leave. i was asked to leave my job prior to that also (1 year there) for being too miserable. what am i supposed to do. i do my best, im not a fucking american disney princess



^ not me at work

On August 04 2013 03:48 Elegy wrote:


You've been fired twice from jobs from being miserable, which must mean that you did not have an attitude your boss found worthwhile keeping around. That's a problem. Doing the best you can is admirable, but it seems like you can ill afford to maintain your attitude at work, even if the jobs sucks. It's on you, man. You gotta tough it out, even if the last thing you want to do is wake up in the morning and go slave away for shitty pay. I've done it, I know.

I think you have the following options:

1. Stay at home (current situation) and try to make the best of it. Get a full time job, spend as little time as possible at home, and bank as much money as you can while attending university.

2. Leave home and live with grandmother. Seems far less stressful and will let you work a shitty full time job without as much home drama weighing down on you. Finish college, move on.

3. Get a full time job where you can still attend university and either get financial aid, roommates, and live very very frugally. Don't know if this is an option for you.

Personally, I would stay at home, find a full time job ASAP (ANY job, doesn't really matter what it is), and save every paycheck you can. You are 28 years old, living at home. Get out. Save, save, save. Take odd jobs. Work 2 jobs if you can. Get the best grades you can, save as much cash as you can, and when you are able, leave home and find your own place/move in with friends/find a roommate, etc.

Remember, from your mom's boyfriend's perspective you ARE useless. 28 years old, no job, freeloading off (presumably) his and your mother's money. Your one saving grace is that you attending college. The absolute best thing you can do is to prove him wrong!

On August 04 2013 05:05 NarutO wrote:
Beat him up , yes I am serious about it.

On August 04 2013 05:16 a176 wrote:
how about just ignoring him. flat out silent treatment.

sounds like hes the kind of person that thrives on attention and you fell right into his lap.

anyways at your age you should def concentrate on employment and moving out.

On August 04 2013 06:23 Tobberoth wrote:
The whole "running to my room, calling him a psychopath" deal sounds very odd in the light of you being 28. You're not a little kid, handle your problems like an adult.

On August 04 2013 04:26 eXigent. wrote:
After reading your post I thought the guy was a supreme asshole, but then I read more into the comments and realize you have trouble holding a job, your 28, have nothing going for you at all, and now are bitching because someone who wants to be with your mom is pissed that her 28 and 22yr old children are BOTH still at home, doing basically nothing.

He has a pretty good reason to be pissed off, especially if his paycheck is going towards your cost of living (mortgage etc). At 28 years old, you should be going out every single day for at least 4-5 hours, walking around or taking the bus and finding FULLTIME work. Most people are miserable at their jobs, they just dont show it. You are not the only person with disdain towards employment.

Lastly, im not attacking you, and I do agree that in general the guy sounds like some alpha male wannabe douchebag. That aside, there are some glaring holes in your own self that you most definitely should be fixing. Instead of writing this blog, and reading comments and replying, you should be outside looking for work. This sentence alone makes me cringe.
"well i will just have to try again to get a job i guess. unless my mom gives me the ok to go live with my grandmother, thats the only thing i can do to "improve relations"

That alone basically says you dont really wanna work, and if you can go live with your grandmother, you would do that instead. When you move there, are you planning on living off her expenses as well?

how about just ignoring him. flat out silent treatment.

idk what you mean by shitty attitude, im not a fucking super human. i lasted 6 months there, then he asked me to voluntarily leave. i was asked to leave my job prior to that also (1 year there) for being too miserable. what am i supposed to do. i do my best, im not a fucking american disney princess

On August 04 2013 06:23 Tobberoth wrote:
The whole "running to my room, calling him a psychopath" deal sounds very odd in the light of you being 28. You're not a little kid, handle your problems like an adult.

On August 04 2013 06:45 Chocolate wrote:

I was going to post something like this. OP, you have to grow the fuck up. I would think this would be immature for like a teenager, but for a young adult (28) this is seriously unacceptable.

On August 04 2013 01:56 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote:
If he's the type of person you seem to think he is, he's probably trying to get your mother alone, zone everybody else out of her life so that he can control her completely and utterly. That's usually the endgame for people like him. I take it your mom is pretty passive?

On August 04 2013 07:53 hp.Shell wrote:

This sounds likely.

I say get a job first and see if that helps your relationship with the guy. Go out of your way to do chores for him and stuff, buy him a beer once in a while, basically be the nice guy that does nice things whenever he's around, and then leaves. So what you want to do is, every time there's an interaction with him, do something nice, and then leave. But don't make it reaaallly weird where he thinks you're making fun of him or something. Don't be sarcastic.

Okay, if that doesn't help then he is literally incapable of having a meaningful relationship with you. In this situation it is your responsibility to look out for your mother and make sure he will not be abusive when he gets her alone. If you have doubts, then you should try to convince her to move on from him before you leave. But you really should leave as soon as you can in this kind of circumstance. The only thing keeping you is your family's wellbeing.

Edit: Also get a job.
You can't find full time? Then work two part times and move out. You're 28 son. Do work. You fucked up. You don't get time to make millions anymore. Work.

On August 04 2013 08:39 micronesia wrote:
Living with your parents when you can't find a decent job really isn't that weird (it also depends somewhat on what area you live in). I'm not specifically defending the OP, but the degree to which living at a parent's house at 28 is culturally accepted varies a lot from place to place... so judging it based on what is normal in your area is often not applicable.

On August 04 2013 09:11 Yorbon wrote:
Hahaha, indeed.

Although i didnt expect him to be 28. I guess maturity isnt as strongly correlated with age as i thought.

On August 04 2013 09:19 FFGenerations wrote:


i guess it isnt asshole!

On August 04 2013 01:39 Denzil wrote:
Have you and your sister ever spoken to your mother about this?


Otherwise start going to the gym and beefing up for the inevitable clash

On August 04 2013 07:59 dAPhREAk wrote:

lol.

the guy cant act not miserable when he is being paid for it, and you are telling him to act not miserable without getting paid for it. amusing.

On August 04 2013 09:57 Ushio wrote:


Im with him on this one, time to start thinking about opening a can of whoop ass. That will surely make you the dominant Alpha male in the household.

On August 04 2013 11:32 VayneAuthority wrote:
have you ever thought about becoming a serial killer?

On August 04 2013 12:42 guN-viCe wrote:
My advice is to stand up to him at every opportunity you feel capable of. He cannot physically touch you, and if he does, the pain will go away and you can call the cops and have him arrested. A good trick is to beg him to hit you, he will think twice and back down, because if he doesn't... it's police officer time.

Your mom is being psychologically dominated. You need to stand up even if you are scared. The worse he treats you when you do this, the more your mom will side with you.

Be assertive, be firm, be smart.


GL!

On August 04 2013 04:26 eXigent. wrote:
After reading your post I thought the guy was a supreme asshole, but then I read more into the comments and realize you have trouble holding a job, your 28, have nothing going for you at all, and now are bitching because someone who wants to be with your mom is pissed that her 28 and 22yr old children are BOTH still at home, doing basically nothing.

He has a pretty good reason to be pissed off, especially if his paycheck is going towards your cost of living (mortgage etc). At 28 years old, you should be going out every single day for at least 4-5 hours, walking around or taking the bus and finding FULLTIME work. Most people are miserable at their jobs, they just dont show it. You are not the only person with disdain towards employment.

Lastly, im not attacking you, and I do agree that in general the guy sounds like some alpha male wannabe douchebag. That aside, there are some glaring holes in your own self that you most definitely should be fixing. Instead of writing this blog, and reading comments and replying, you should be outside looking for work. This sentence alone makes me cringe.
"well i will just have to try again to get a job i guess. unless my mom gives me the ok to go live with my grandmother, thats the only thing i can do to "improve relations"

That alone basically says you dont really wanna work, and if you can go live with your grandmother, you would do that instead. When you move there, are you planning on living off her expenses as well?

On August 04 2013 13:02 MountainDewJunkie wrote:

That's extremely manipulative. Ironic

On August 04 2013 13:13 guN-viCe wrote:



Don't embellish. It's clear you have never dealt with a manipulative person. Sometimes you must fight fire with fire. Anyways, standing up to a bully is not manipulative. Begging him to to strike is reverse psychology, and it is manipulative(but the goal is to manipulate him to NOT strike, which bullies tend to do when their mind games stop working).

I don't think it's wrong to manipulate someone when you are defending.

Nice try though

On August 04 2013 13:07 guN-viCe wrote:
QUIT BLAMING THE VICTIM.

On August 04 2013 13:28 CecilSunkure wrote:

Nobody here said that FFGeneration's mom's partner isn't a giant fuckhead. What everybody is trying to point out is that the OP really should be trying to improve and focus on himself. FFGeneration's actions are entirely his own, independent of his current situation.

I feel like you're projecting pretty hard.

On August 04 2013 13:42 guN-viCe wrote:
Thank you, I wasn't clear.

My "plan" is to antagonize the BF if he becomes physically threatening. If someone is preparing to psychically assault you, begging them to hit you is a triple win because 1)they hit you like they planned and now you have legal recourse 2) it shows balls to beg someone to hit you(bullies hate people with balls) or 3) it confuses them and causes them to pause and think, oftentimes correcting their behavior.

My plan was not to antagonize him at every opportunity, just to defend verbally, emotionally, and physically if needed.

Also, the house is only 50% the BF's, not 100% as your post implies. The mother has rights too.

Lastly, OP can move to his grandma's... to finish his DEGREE(losers don't get degrees). He's not some leech.

IMO

On August 04 2013 13:52 guN-viCe wrote:
QUIT BLAMING THE VICTIM.

On August 04 2013 14:00 Fumanchu wrote:


Yeah...as a bully in my younger days, I can attest that your 2 and 3 reasons are complete shit. If I wanted to pound someone, I would. Didn't matter what they said. I'm not bragging, I'm actually really ashamed of the person I used to be. I'm just stating the facts.

he will say random commands like SHUT THE FRIDGE UP or close it infront of you when you're getting things out.

him: WHY ARE ALL THE LIGHTS ON? ITS LIKE CHRISTMAS IN HERE. YOU KNOW WHAT THE BILL WILL BE LIKE. WHY ARE THE LIGHTS ALL ON EVERYWHERE?

he is in caps btw because he has a deep as fuck, commanding voice.

so i crack up, i shout at him: "COZ I JUST CAME DOWN 1 MINUTE AGO TO LOOK AT THE FUCKING RAIN, LIKE YOU DID".

he walks right up to me now, pushes his chest a little bit against mine and sticks his finger up in my face (like he did a few months ago aswell) , and starts to say something like "Now you listen to me..."

i push past him to escape and shout back GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

On August 04 2013 14:04 Fumanchu wrote:


Quit creating a victim.

On August 04 2013 14:14 guN-viCe wrote:


Let's look at the original post:

1) OP is habitually verbally and emotionally attacked (reread OP for quotes... unless you think he's a liar)

2) OP gives examples of BF abusing his mother

3) OP states BF likes to physically intimidate

4) OP and sister both dislike BF, mother is upset often over BF's actions.

5) ????

On August 04 2013 14:14 guN-viCe wrote:


Let's look at the original post:

1) OP is habitually verbally and emotionally attacked (reread OP for quotes... unless you think he's a liar)

2) OP gives examples of BF abusing his mother

3) OP states BF likes to physically intimidate

4) OP and sister both dislike BF, mother is upset often over BF's actions.

5) ????

On August 04 2013 14:09 guN-viCe wrote:



Welcome to the adult world. What flies in junior high and high school is not the real world. Beating on kids when you are a kid works because 1)they often don't speak out 2)they often don't fight back 3)the punishment for kid fights is practically nothing unless police and the justice system are repeatedly and routinely called upon.

In the real world, if you assault someone you get fines, counseling, jail time, prison time, lose your job, lose your money, lose your life, etc.

On August 04 2013 14:14 guN-viCe wrote:


Let's look at the original post:

1) OP is habitually verbally and emotionally attacked (reread OP for quotes... unless you think he's a liar)

2) OP gives examples of BF abusing his mother

3) OP states BF likes to physically intimidate

4) OP and sister both dislike BF, mother is upset often over BF's actions.

5) ????

On August 04 2013 14:27 MightyAtom wrote:
Hey OP,

if you graduated from university/college, then why not try something entirely different than looking locally for a job;
like teaching english;
I know a lot of people bag on foreign english teachers, but it actually is a good option if you don't have many;
and if you do save, you'll be able to pay back your loans and enjoy something really unique and really find your own identity away from all the things that are around you.

I say this cause I don't think it's reasonable to think your mom's boy friend is gonna change, and just cause your mom wants you to stay, well sometimes a man has to go off on his own and own something for himself.

but i think in your case, you simply don't think you have many options; simply moving to your grandmum's place 20 mins ago, is besides the point.

http://www.eslcafe.com/jobs/korea/
http://www.eslcafe.com/jobs/korea/index.cgi?read=58187

now you're gonna have to do some research, the wages may not seem like much, but they take care of your housing and flights or even other locations like China or Thailand,

but I think it is a great opportunity and the easiest way to get out there with a job and a new start on things because sometimes we just need something like that. and if you end up spending 5 years out there and you get stuck in the english teach rut, its cool at least you're doing something and you never know, a nice foreign girlfiend and some nice new hobbies that you find overseas may contribute to your overall growth.

i totally understand your living conditions; i don't think there is much you can do there because it is all about the alpha male power thing and even if you fight back, ulitmately your mom gets in the middle and that isn't something you want you mom to be in the middle of either right?

just take your life in your hands, you're gonna live with a healthy able body until your at least 55 or so, so if you start now, maybe by 32 you're be stable and then enjoy the rest of your life the way you'd like too ^^

cheers!

On August 04 2013 14:24 r.Evo wrote:


4) is completely irrelevant.

3) Physical intimidation is, under certain circumstances both understandable and acceptable. Specifically the example given with the "Christmas lights" is a situation that was escalated by OP.

2) There was no single example of abuse in the OP. Dominant behaviour, probably past the point of it being healthy for a relationship? Yes. Insulting behaviour, more specifically abusing certain insecurities? Yes. From the examples given there was no physical abuse and psychological abuse tends to come in more obvious ways. The mother seems to not value those scenarios that much and note that she still maintains certain positions (shouting back in the Christmas lights scene) which also isn't very typical for an abuse scenario.

1) Well, yeah. He's an ass, we got that far. If someone calls you a useless piece of shit, do you call yourself a victim? I hope not.

Generally, the essential elements of assault consist of an act intended to cause an apprehension of harmful or offensive contact that causes apprehension of such contact in the victim.

The act required for an assault must be overt. Although words alone are insufficient, they might create an assault when coupled with some action that indicates the ability to carry out the threat. A mere threat to harm is not an assault; however, a threat combined with a raised fist might be sufficient if it causes a reasonable apprehension of harm in the victim.LINK

On August 04 2013 14:45 guN-viCe wrote:



This is wrong:

4) OP, sister and mother are upset and have each individually received abuse even though they have made it clear they do not want it. You are arguing their pain. The pain BF caused. Chronic unrelenting pain.

3) Legally, in the USA, you are wrong. Physical intimidation is assault. Attacking someone is battery:

2) I don't have time to teach you these concepts but they are very real and there is a lot of information out there on the topic(s). Verbal and emotional abuse is not punishable by law AFAIK, but it is VERY damaging. Please do a simple Google search.

1) Same as #2

On August 04 2013 14:29 Fumanchu wrote:


Well it really depends on the severity of the attack. If OP begs for this D-bag to hit him, and he lashes out and punches him in the face, not much is really going to happen. At the most, he might spend an overnighter. However the point I was trying to make, and I'll admit I made it poorly, is that your route really isn't the best option he has.



I get what you're saying, but you have to admit that your opinion is biased. You yourself noted that you have been abused in the past. I'm not trying to dig into that, and I am truly sorry if that's true. However, from my standpoint, and I believe the standpoint of others, it seems that in this case the OP is less of a victim, and more of someone who just needs to start growing up.

On August 04 2013 14:48 dAPhREAk wrote:

i assume you agree with everyone that the guy needs to get a job and get out of the house, right? because you seem to be losing the forest for the trees.

On August 04 2013 11:32 VayneAuthority wrote:
have you ever thought about becoming a serial killer?

On August 04 2013 14:59 guN-viCe wrote:


Ask yourself why does the mom wants him to stay?.. Then ask yourself, does she have the right to let him stay?

But yea, the best thing for him to do is to leave this toxic environment.

On August 04 2013 01:19 FFGenerations wrote:
last night i almost had a fight with my moms boyfriend (together for 5 ish years)

i live in the same house, they built a new house together and we moved in 6 months ago or whatever.

i work 2 days a week, was "asked to leave" my old 2 days a week job for being too miserable so now do 2 days holiday caravan cleaning. getting a job where i live is almost impossible, im talking 100 applicants per job (any job).

my mom's bf hates me because im a loser who sits at home on the computer all day and doesnt have a job.

my sister and myself hate this man because he is, without being able to comprehend it, insanely dominating and controlling. i looked up "control freak" on internet and he matches it. i have never heard him NOT give his opinion on something , talking over the other person, assuring them that he is correct and telling them why they are wrong. i literally do not open my mouth around him for the last year, even to talk to my mom when he is in the room because he will interject about anything and let us know how right he is about it.

he is not directly aggressive but i feel threatened by the way he talks, he says things like , watching me put stuff in the dishwasher , "OH SO IT ISNT _YOU_ PUTTING THINGS THE WRONG WAY ROUND IN THE DISHWASHER, THEN."

its not just me that cant stand him, i talked to one of our house builders and he was saying wtf is that guys problem, hes not your father is he? my sister has told me she cannot stand him

he will talk over you when you are saying something , to take over . he will (purposely??) get in your way or not move out the way for you in order to assert his physical dominance in the room. he will say random commands like SHUT THE FRIDGE UP or close it infront of you when you're getting things out. we went about 6 weeks where me/mom would put old plastic shopping bags in a bottom drawer to store them but because he didnt like it he kept throwing them out every time we put any. he has insane control shit going on and has literally no ability to recognise the way he acts.

infact i have heard him "joke" several times now, when my mom tries to assert herself (in something random like where she is going to park the car when we go out) he has said "oooh, your mother is getting the school teacher act on now, shes such a control freak". i am just sitting there thinking holy hell what the fuck. my mom is like the nicest person possible and i can only imagine she perhaps told him he has control issues one time and now he likes to bring it up and accuse her of it, because he is completely incapable of listening to another person or compromising

---

last night was another example, we go to cinema, i say 1 word in the car home. my mom says "i want some chips", i say "you can go to mcdonalds", this man says "WHY WOULD YOU GO TO MCDONALDS." (because he wants to go to another chip shop) me : ".....(i cant stand this man)"

later we all went to bed, then suddenly insane hail stones+storm like never heard on the roof. i get up and go downstairs , open the back door and look out. shut it, pick up the cat and go to the lounge to look out that door.
he comes down aswell to see the storm (both of us just wearing a towel).

he says WHAT ARE YOU DOING? (obviously he came down to see the insane flash storm too)
me: im looking at the hail stones
him: WHY IS THAT CAT IN HERE? (he moves to look outside and obviously i move away from him, i go back to the back door)
him: WHY ARE ALL THE LIGHTS ON? ITS LIKE CHRISTMAS IN HERE. YOU KNOW WHAT THE BILL WILL BE LIKE. WHY ARE THE LIGHTS ALL ON EVERYWHERE?

he is in caps btw because he has a deep as fuck, commanding voice.

so i crack up, like i did a few months ago when he talked to me like a dog and commanded that i get a banana out of my bedroom.

i shout at him: "COZ I JUST CAME DOWN 1 MINUTE AGO TO LOOK AT THE FUCKING RAIN, LIKE YOU DID".

he walks right up to me now, pushes his chest a little bit against mine and sticks his finger up in my face (like he did a few months ago aswell) , and starts to say something like "Now you listen to me..."

i push past him to escape and shout back GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

---

i rush up to my room and he comes after me, my mom comes down screaming WTF is happening you two>??

he starts going on about how i have problems and im a loser and im screaming at him to get the fuck away from me and out of my room, that i cant stand this man any longer, that both me and my sister fucking hate him, he is a psychopath, i cant live with him any longer, ive done my best for a year but i cant stand him. at one point i try to close my door on him and we have a door tug of war.

my mom is crying for an hour and it alternates with both me and my moms bf saying that we're going to leave, but my mom wants both of us to stay, eventually we go to the lounge to "talk" but i know this man is completely unable to listen or talk to anyone, my mom screams at him like 5 times because every time he opens his mouth its to say im a loser etc, im just sitting there coz i know it is a lost cause. later my mom is in my room and saying how did she get into this situation, and begging me not to leave, im hugging her and saying i wont

---

my friend says "it might be your own problem if you cant handle how someone else talks to you, if he isnt physically threatening you or abusive then its not his fault thats how you feel about him". but then again thats my friends "go to" for just about everything. he also said "why did you confront a control freak? you cant win against them"

---

its the next evening now, ive just got home and no1 is in yet. idk what will happen. i can move out to my grandmothers house (20 mins away) but my mom does not want me to leave, she wants to live with me, in the new house. she doesnt know what to do, she cant live with this problem, she just wants us all to get along. i am very passive/submissive/accepting and so can get along with anyone, i managed it for a year with just these 2 explosions when this man treats me like a dog too much. he is like a territorial guerrilla

he says i am leaching off of him and my mother, but if i were to get a full time job he would not change the way he is towards me because that is his nature towards everyone, to be a control freak and stamp on every word that comes out of your mouth, and to enjoy it

On March 05 2012 22:58 FFGenerations wrote:
1) go to Google Maps
2) type in your address
3) type in "care homes", "nursing homes" etc
4) write on paper each of their addresses / print out the map
5) get up tomorrow morning and walk/drive to each of them with a CV and meet the manager/office staff face-to-face. say something like "Hey there, my name is Capped, I've been working as a carer for the past X months/years and I'm wondering if you have any jobs available."
6) A good idea actually is to write on your CV that you're also interested in doing any cleaning work (say that you have experience when you were younger). Because carehomes need carers and cleaners too. You could also outright ask hem about that too.

I done this, walked to 15 carehomes in one afternoon, got 2 job offers.

The only issue with this job is you need the CRB check, HOWEVER at some places they just need to wait for an email from the government - they dont need to wait for the full CRB check before you start work.

Its okay to work "bank", full time or part time at these places, as you can work at several of them then (the variety is important too or you will kill yourself eventually).

You do not need any qualifications, but you must make sure they know at some point that you worked in care/teacher/whatever.

You will earn only £6.08/hour and the shifts are 6 or 12 hours long. But if you're desperate, you can race around the local carehomes in one day and probably find a job (though you wont start immediately - but at least you will have secured something). They are usually in desperate need of men.

If you have a car then that is a super bonus!

On August 04 2013 08:43 Elegy wrote:


Agreed, but I think most people are getting the vibe that the OP lacks the motivation and dedication to hold a job. He was fired twice (!!) for "being miserable", which means he has a shitty attitude when it comes to holding down menial and crappy jobs. You can be miserable, but if it means you get fired (twice), that's a sign of a major problem with one's work ethic.