EPTOn August 04 2013 11:32 VayneAuthority wrote:
have you ever thought about becoming a serial killer?
have you ever thought about becoming a serial killer?
If only that was an occupation. Darn!
fight with mom's partner - Page 4
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Epishade
United States2267 Posts
If only that was an occupation. Darn! | ||
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guN-viCe
United States687 Posts
Your mom is being psychologically dominated. You need to stand up even if you are scared. The worse he treats you when you do this, the more your mom will side with you. Be assertive, be firm, be smart. GL! | ||
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MountainDewJunkie
United States10347 Posts
On August 04 2013 12:42 guN-viCe wrote: My advice is to stand up to him at every opportunity you feel capable of. He cannot physically touch you, and if he does, the pain will go away and you can call the cops and have him arrested. A good trick is to beg him to hit you, he will think twice and back down, because if he doesn't... it's police officer time. Your mom is being psychologically dominated. You need to stand up even if you are scared. The worse he treats you when you do this, the more your mom will side with you. Be assertive, be firm, be smart. GL! That's extremely manipulative. Ironic | ||
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guN-viCe
United States687 Posts
On August 04 2013 04:26 eXigent. wrote: After reading your post I thought the guy was a supreme asshole, but then I read more into the comments and realize you have trouble holding a job, your 28, have nothing going for you at all, and now are bitching because someone who wants to be with your mom is pissed that her 28 and 22yr old children are BOTH still at home, doing basically nothing. He has a pretty good reason to be pissed off, especially if his paycheck is going towards your cost of living (mortgage etc). At 28 years old, you should be going out every single day for at least 4-5 hours, walking around or taking the bus and finding FULLTIME work. Most people are miserable at their jobs, they just dont show it. You are not the only person with disdain towards employment. Lastly, im not attacking you, and I do agree that in general the guy sounds like some alpha male wannabe douchebag. That aside, there are some glaring holes in your own self that you most definitely should be fixing. Instead of writing this blog, and reading comments and replying, you should be outside looking for work. This sentence alone makes me cringe. "well i will just have to try again to get a job i guess. unless my mom gives me the ok to go live with my grandmother, thats the only thing i can do to "improve relations" That alone basically says you dont really wanna work, and if you can go live with your grandmother, you would do that instead. When you move there, are you planning on living off her expenses as well? Wrong. Everything in your post is NOT an excuse for psychological abuse. QUIT BLAMING THE VICTIM. The responses in this thread are so saddening. Maybe the OP hasn't made the best choices. He is most likely suffering from depression(hard not to be in a chronic stress environment). But he does NOT deserve psychological abuse. His mother does not deserve to be dominated psychologically. The boyfriend is CLEARLY not respecting the mother or her kids. | ||
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guN-viCe
United States687 Posts
On August 04 2013 13:02 MountainDewJunkie wrote: That's extremely manipulative. Ironic Don't embellish. It's clear you have never dealt with a manipulative person. Sometimes you must fight fire with fire. Anyways, standing up to a bully is not manipulative. Begging him to to strike is reverse psychology, and it is manipulative(but the goal is to manipulate him to NOT strike, which bullies tend to do when their mind games stop working). I don't think it's wrong to manipulate someone when you are defending. Nice try though  | ||
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dAPhREAk
Nauru12397 Posts
On August 04 2013 13:13 guN-viCe wrote: Don't embellish. It's clear you have never dealt with a manipulative person. Sometimes you must fight fire with fire. Anyways, standing up to a bully is not manipulative. Begging him to to strike is reverse psychology, and it is manipulative(but the goal is to manipulate him to NOT strike, which bullies tend to do when their mind games stop working). I don't think it's wrong to manipulate someone when you are defending. Nice try though so, your plan is to antagonize the person who owns the home? and what is the game plan after that? keep antagonizing him until he learns to change his ways and apologizes for his personality? dont you think its more likely that he will either (1) just kick him out of the house (he owns it), or (2) there will be a physical confrontation, in which case, he will be forced from the home since the guy owns the house, not the self proclaimed loser? | ||
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CecilSunkure
United States2829 Posts
On August 04 2013 13:07 guN-viCe wrote: QUIT BLAMING THE VICTIM. Nobody here said that FFGeneration's mom's partner isn't a giant fuckhead. What everybody is trying to point out is that the OP really should be trying to improve and focus on himself. FFGeneration's actions are entirely his own, independent of his current situation. I feel like you're projecting pretty hard. | ||
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MountainDewJunkie
United States10347 Posts
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DeepElemBlues
United States5080 Posts
you cant live your moms life and protect her from the world youve got an unhealthy codependent relationship going on there that's what's really going on i think you're resentful of him because of the way he treats your mother and resentful of yourself for not doing anything about it and that makes "miserable" solution is go live your own life it sucks that you think your mom's life is basically being crushed by this guy but she's been with him for 5 years she's your mom not your daughter or your sister. unless he's hitting her you can't put yourself in that protector role as it will make you miserable indeed. be a grandmas boy and find a job that is at least 25 hours a week 2days a week is not enough work for a person people need to work for their mental physical and emotional health its part of human nature | ||
lichter
1001 YEARS KESPAJAIL22272 Posts
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guN-viCe
United States687 Posts
My "plan" is to antagonize the BF if he becomes physically threatening. If someone is preparing to psychically assault you, begging them to hit you is a triple win because 1)they hit you like they planned and now you have legal recourse 2) it shows balls to beg someone to hit you(bullies hate people with balls) or 3) it confuses them and causes them to pause and think, oftentimes correcting their behavior. My plan was not to antagonize him at every opportunity, just to defend verbally, emotionally, and physically if needed. Also, the house is only 50% the BF's, not 100% as your post implies. The mother has rights too. Lastly, OP can move to his grandma's... to finish his DEGREE(losers don't get degrees). He's not some leech. IMO | ||
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Gryffindor_us
United States5606 Posts
At no point did I get the impression he is imposing on his Mom, not only that but she (according to him) actively campaigned for him to stay. If he wants to live there, she wants him to live there and be a part of her life then it's up to the boyfriend to deal with it. Also, he hasn't gone out of his way to antagonize this guy. Given that, do I think he needs a job and to keep going to school? Hell yes. The other thing is I didn't get the impression that "being miserable" is the same as being a cantankerous little shit. To me that's more of someone who is suffering depression or brooding a lot. In that case maybe therapy, medication (if that's something you agree with etc...) would be appropriate. If it's serious like clinical depression then the simple, "man the fuck up" isn't applicable. Conversely, I don't think making tons of excuses until you're 45 years old, never holding a job and living with Mom is the way to go, but he hasn't done that. I ask you FF, what is the ideal situation for you in the next 5 years? Or, if you had absolute control of all aspects of the reality of this situation, how would you change it for the short term or long term? | ||
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guN-viCe
United States687 Posts
On August 04 2013 13:28 CecilSunkure wrote: Nobody here said that FFGeneration's mom's partner isn't a giant fuckhead. What everybody is trying to point out is that the OP really should be trying to improve and focus on himself. FFGeneration's actions are entirely his own, independent of his current situation. I feel like you're projecting pretty hard. Of course he should improve and focus on himself. He is in school improving himself. He was let go from his job and he wants another one. I sense OP is at least slightly depressed about his current situation. If this is true, you must realize that depression isn't something you can just "get over". It is a physiological and psychological condition. As for projecting, I'm giving my advice based upon personal experiences in response to an internet post that contains only partial information. I've dealt with emotional and physical abuse. QUIT BLAMING THE VICTIM. | ||
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Fumanchu
Canada669 Posts
On August 04 2013 13:42 guN-viCe wrote: Thank you, I wasn't clear. My "plan" is to antagonize the BF if he becomes physically threatening. If someone is preparing to psychically assault you, begging them to hit you is a triple win because 1)they hit you like they planned and now you have legal recourse 2) it shows balls to beg someone to hit you(bullies hate people with balls) or 3) it confuses them and causes them to pause and think, oftentimes correcting their behavior. My plan was not to antagonize him at every opportunity, just to defend verbally, emotionally, and physically if needed. Also, the house is only 50% the BF's, not 100% as your post implies. The mother has rights too. Lastly, OP can move to his grandma's... to finish his DEGREE(losers don't get degrees). He's not some leech. IMO Yeah...as a bully in my younger days, I can attest that your 2 and 3 reasons are complete shit. If I wanted to pound someone, I would. Didn't matter what they said. I'm not bragging, I'm actually really ashamed of the person I used to be. I'm just stating the facts. OP you mentioned that your mother and this guy have been dating for 5 years now. Did this control problem just start up recently? If so, maybe look at any outside factors that could contribute to his behaviour. I'm not trying to exonerate the way he's behaving, I'm just trying to point out that it might not be as black and white as you make it out to be. Also, IMO, living at home at 28 isn't that bad. However, being 28 and living at home, with no real attempt at joining society is. | ||
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Fumanchu
Canada669 Posts
On August 04 2013 13:52 guN-viCe wrote: QUIT BLAMING THE VICTIM. Quit creating a victim. | ||
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guN-viCe
United States687 Posts
On August 04 2013 14:00 Fumanchu wrote: Yeah...as a bully in my younger days, I can attest that your 2 and 3 reasons are complete shit. If I wanted to pound someone, I would. Didn't matter what they said. I'm not bragging, I'm actually really ashamed of the person I used to be. I'm just stating the facts. Welcome to the adult world. What flies in junior high and high school is not the real world. Beating on kids when you are a kid works because 1)they often don't speak out 2)they often don't fight back 3)the punishment for kid fights is practically nothing unless police and the justice system are repeatedly and routinely called upon. In the real world, if you assault someone you get fines, counseling, jail time, prison time, lose your job, lose your money, lose your life, etc. | ||
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r.Evo
Germany14081 Posts
1) You need to find a quick fix to get out of this situation. Staying with your grandma for a while sounds like a great idea. 2) If 1) doesn't seem like an option, you either need to establish very clear verbal boundaries and follow through with them OR apologize and back out of the situation. Those are your only two sustainable options. ex.: he will say random commands like SHUT THE FRIDGE UP or close it infront of you when you're getting things out. -> "Hey, stop this crap please." if he reacts in pretty much any kind of negative way go along the line of "It's not funny and it's not a cool thing to do. I'm respecting your space, please respect mine." ~ There usually shouldn't be much more to discuss. ex.: him: WHY ARE ALL THE LIGHTS ON? ITS LIKE CHRISTMAS IN HERE. YOU KNOW WHAT THE BILL WILL BE LIKE. WHY ARE THE LIGHTS ALL ON EVERYWHERE? he is in caps btw because he has a deep as fuck, commanding voice. so i crack up, i shout at him: "COZ I JUST CAME DOWN 1 MINUTE AGO TO LOOK AT THE FUCKING RAIN, LIKE YOU DID". he walks right up to me now, pushes his chest a little bit against mine and sticks his finger up in my face (like he did a few months ago aswell) , and starts to say something like "Now you listen to me..." i push past him to escape and shout back GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU "I turned the light on a minute ago." that's pretty much where the discussion should have ended. Assuming, for whatever reason something like this didn't happen and it comes to the "pushes his chest and sticks finger up in my face"-part going among the lines of "Back off right now, you're in my face" is one of your best options. Assuming he keeps up the pressure and/or aims to escalate it further back off either towards the closest person (assuming they're within hearing distance) or a phone. Picking up your cell along with a "Back off or I'll call the police, I feel threatened" will either make him back off, or escalate it further. Keep in mind that if you DO chose to go down this road if you ever end up going to call the police, be prepared to live somewhere else from that point onward. Figure out which of those two options you want to take, it's your personal call to make. 3) Whatever you do, parallel to these things: Build your own life. Whether that includes moving together with buddies, a place with people you don't know (yet) or moving to a place where you can get work easier is up to you. You're 28. You're old enough to live on your own and you shouldn't have to deal with anyone you perceive as abusive in your household. Your current situation can't be anything more than a very temporary one. It's not your job to protect your mother or your sister. It's not your job to stand up to another guy to assert who is the dominant ape in that house. It IS your job however to do the best you can to turn into a self-sufficient human being. Time to get on it. | ||
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guN-viCe
United States687 Posts
Let's look at the original post: 1) OP is habitually verbally and emotionally attacked (reread OP for quotes... unless you think he's a liar) 2) OP gives examples of BF abusing his mother 3) OP states BF likes to physically intimidate 4) OP and sister both dislike BF, mother is upset often over BF's actions. 5) ???? | ||
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CecilSunkure
United States2829 Posts
On August 04 2013 14:14 guN-viCe wrote: Let's look at the original post: 1) OP is habitually verbally and emotionally attacked (reread OP for quotes... unless you think he's a liar) 2) OP gives examples of BF abusing his mother 3) OP states BF likes to physically intimidate 4) OP and sister both dislike BF, mother is upset often over BF's actions. 5) ???? Slippery slope of: FakeDad is a fuckhead therefor OP is a giant victim. | ||
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guN-viCe
United States687 Posts
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