We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating.
On February 24 2015 06:35 ROOTFayth wrote: is there a reason you didn't move in with her when you both decided to keep the child Kenshin?
Yes, one of practicality. We don't live in the same town, hers is about a half hour away from mine. I don't have a vehicle or a licence so I transit. Like I mentioned I attend school full time, and my commute is about 1 hour and 15 mins one way on a good day. I did live with her temporarily while the birth grew imminent and for about 2 weeks afterwards to be there for her, and the commute was pretty brutal, on most days approaching 2 hours one way.
Also, she couldn't afford to live on her own while our daughter was growing for the first few years, so she moved in with her mom and sister. Her sister already has two small children, so while I was there things where very crowded. We did speak about what would happen in terms of living together before she was even born, and we both knew me being there was temporary.
Maybe she has a hard time picturing as the father (as in raising her) to her child. Is there a chance she could want you to become more mature first? You mentioned you were still studying, is that done soon?
Not saying she is right, just saying I could imagine something like that playing in her mind.
I fail to understand how studying makes someone immature? He did seem to mention he was ready to take his responsibility so I dunno, it really looked like she just wasn't really in love with him. I'm guessing you'll still be there for your daughter, have you guys talked about that yet?
Bleh hard situation. How would you feel about her if there was no kid by the way in terms of your ideal partner?
Yupp it's a doozy for sure. Ehh maybe 6.5-7/10 in terms of compatibility. 10 being a prefect match. We weren't similar in every way but I think things where pretty good while they lasted. We got along well and had quite a few similar interests. We definitely did have areas of disagreement though, tbh they could have caused problems further down the line though. She had some weird hippy/new age/spiritual beliefs and I'm an engineering student so...
Maybe she has a hard time picturing as the father (as in raising her) to her child. Is there a chance she could want you to become more mature first? You mentioned you were still studying, is that done soon?
Not saying she is right, just saying I could imagine something like that playing in her mind.
I don't think that would have been the issue, my duties as a father aren't going to change. I'm still going to see her as often as I can and be as active as I can in raising her.
I fail to understand how studying makes someone immature? He did seem to mention he was ready to take his responsibility so I dunno, it really looked like she just wasn't really in love with him. I'm guessing you'll still be there for your daughter, have you guys talked about that yet?
Yup we've spoken about that, nothing will change in that regard, I'll be there for her. Yeaaaah she says she still loves me, but I'm having a hard time reconciling that with what just happened, so I'm guessing she's lying to perhaps protect my feelings? I'm not sure exactly what's going through her mind right now.
I'd would like to know what you think about my last post, I'm genuinely curious.
I would never let a woman decide on my maturity lol
Bleh hard situation. How would you feel about her if there was no kid by the way in terms of your ideal partner?
Yupp it's a doozy for sure. Ehh maybe 6.5-7/10 in terms of compatibility. 10 being a prefect match. We weren't similar in every way but I think things where pretty good while they lasted. We got along well and had quite a few similar interests. We definitely did have areas of disagreement though, tbh they could have caused problems further down the line though. She had some weird hippy/new age/spiritual beliefs and I'm an engineering student so...
Maybe she has a hard time picturing as the father (as in raising her) to her child. Is there a chance she could want you to become more mature first? You mentioned you were still studying, is that done soon?
Not saying she is right, just saying I could imagine something like that playing in her mind.
I don't think that would have been the issue, my duties as a father aren't going to change. I'm still going to see her as often as I can and be as active as I can in raising her.
I fail to understand how studying makes someone immature? He did seem to mention he was ready to take his responsibility so I dunno, it really looked like she just wasn't really in love with him. I'm guessing you'll still be there for your daughter, have you guys talked about that yet?
Yup we've spoken about that, nothing will change in that regard, I'll be there for her. Yeaaaah she says she still loves me, but I'm having a hard time reconciling that with what just happened, so I'm guessing she's lying to perhaps protect my feelings? I'm not sure exactly what's going through her mind right now.
I'd would like to know what you think about my last post, I'm genuinely curious.
I would never let a woman decide on my maturity lol
Sorry, was this addressed to me?
Yeah I'll repost it.
"I don't think normal dating "rules" stop applying ever, that's how husbands end up wiped and paying alimony 10 years down the road. You adapt, not really change.
On one hand shit is prolly hard for her, on the other woman are VERY good on making up excuses for misbeheavor that sound perfectly reasonable but are ultimately not true, and you seem to get the gut feeling that's what it is.
I would aproach it this way:
You should TELL HER (not have a talk, tell her) that you expect to be welcomed with a smile and a hug, that you understand if she is not ready for sex yet and that you are ok with it, but you want to feel apreciated period. That you want to continue being supportive of both your kid and her, that you love her, and that you expect nothing less in return.
As hard as it may be for some people to hear, woman don't stop being woman once they get married or have kids, and you have to keep her attraction for you. If she is no longer attracted to you she WILL leave, cheat or perpetually make your life miserable."
You should TELL HER (not have a talk, tell her) that you expect to be welcomed with a smile and a hug, that you understand if she is not ready for sex yet and that you are ok with it, but you want to feel apreciated period.
Don't TELL her. TALK to her. In relationships, especially with the problems you got going on, you need some pretty fucking great communication. Say that it'd be nice if she could do that, but you shouldn't try to push her. Telling her is making demands, and if not done perfectly, can result in her feeling like she's losing control. This is NOT what you want when she has a child. It will push her further away from you, which is exactly what you don't want. Talking may not seem to be the best choice because it is not the most direct, but it will leaving her feeling more supported and not pressured. Postpartum depression is a really fickle thing and has to be handled with great care.
However, I do believe that GoTuNk! was right, and that you should remind her that if she doesn't want to have sex you will support her decision 100%. This will remind her that you still respect all of her boundaries, while still wanting more affection.
Yeah I agree with your first two points GoTuNk! I dunno if I'd be so forceful with how you propose on delivering your 3rd point, but I agree with the content for sure, seems reasonable to me. I think your last point is kinda a given.
Don't TELL her. TALK to her. In relationships, especially with the problems you got going on, you need some pretty fucking great communication. Say that it'd be nice if she could do that, but you shouldn't try to push her. Telling her is making demands, and if not done perfectly, can result in her feeling like she's losing control. This is NOT what you want when she has a child. It will push her further away from you, which is exactly what you don't want. Talking may not seem to be the best choice because it is not the most direct, but it will leaving her feeling more supported and not pressured. Postpartum depression is a really fickle thing and has to be handled with great care.
However, I do believe that GoTuNk! was right, and that you should remind her that if she doesn't want to have sex you will support her decision 100%. This will remind her that you still respect all of her boundaries, while still wanting more affection.
Lol you're a little late to the party, she broke it off with me. I agree with you though, thanks for the post.
On February 24 2015 11:43 ROOTFayth wrote: clearly she is lying about that, since she was trying to manipulate you into dumping her, it feels so wrong to me
Ya man sucks mega dick, it feels wrong to me too. She claims she isn't but I'm sure there's some level of dishonesty and manipulation behind it.
Started taking french courses in university. First day a girl approaches and starts to flirt, every single lesson day she brings some juice and cookies after that i told her i skip breakfast, every single night she texts via whatsapp and always plans to do something together, later on she does not leave me alone for a second wherever i go, im always friendly and flirty, so i never say go away, we start hanging out after school and she meets my friends, they become friends. Dudes call me, hey pal, why dont you two date and try? She looks very happy about that, and openly says she is in. Invites me her houseparty but somehow her friends leave one by one, even the ones who are supposed to stay. BAD THINGS HAPPEN. And tataaa, she says "will you be my valentine?" *fuckmylife. I think this is what they call the KEEPER.
I say ermm uhmmm but i do not commit such things, explain her we should really stay as friends. She starts crying and asking me why i did accept all the compliments and behave as if i like her. I tell her i like her alread, she asks whats the problem then. *myfeels about my ex and how she cheated on / dumped me, now we both are crying, find myself hugging her. Suddenly i realize who i am and explain again that im dangerous as a boyfriend, since i may be the same flirty with anyone like i was for her. She accepts who i am as long as she has me in her life. MALE HORMONES are tingling, i insta*ask are we gonna fuck again, because that was a good one, she agrees but adding a condition : wont end-up with crying.
The story you read was a WIN / WIN for both, until the moment........ I saw another girl in the same course, and one another, and the one who joins us 3 months later. This will sound like im a perv but no, its like they are making some experimental stuff on me, lets send the beauties he may possible adore and see how this ape reacts, fuuuck.
The keeper has huge boobs and some freaking skills in bedroom. Also she is a chef ! Cant say she is very intelligent but she is emotional, reasonable and ultra friendly. I can confirm this after seeing that my 8 years long ultra conservative nerd highschool friends accepted her in their Dota 2 team, she is full of with surprises, she cooks pancakes, cakes, pizzas and invites me, and prepares unbelievable sandwiches out of nowhere or you can find her dressed as french maid in the blink of an eye. I cant spot whats wrong with her, there must be something wrong, maybe she plans to chop my penis and make me eat it, or torture me, i secretly check her browser history or check her phone while she sleeps. EVERYTHING is fucking clear, my friends call her "wife material" ......
The other girl simply offered me one night stand, she is an intelligent latin woman with good booty. I accepted the offer but she cancelled it and we are like hey sup, good, gtg, k, bye. ;_; I stare her 7-24 during course and we skype some nights.
One another * is also latin, but darker skin compared the last one. Also intelligent, body rocks again because she is a swimmer, it is sports they jump into the pool and play hockey underwater, some weird stuff. What attracts me again is her skin color and her flirty smile, but she is a princess, you cant play video games with her, you need to dress your suit and buy some flowers, get your car ready, act like she is a reward for you, i think you understood.
And the one joins later on, this one has no boobs, no booty, nothing. She is 17 and very tiny. She says she started school very early this is why she can attend university. There is nothing attracts me with her character, only thing she can tell that what a love story she had with her ex boyfriend, Romeo and Juliet, she cuts herself regularly, bloody pictures on instagram, yet she does not drink or smoke. BUT the way she kiss, or the way she eats ice cream looking into my eyes, like she is doing something else, normally i hate womanly attitudes and do not fall into those tricks but come on, every man should see things like hers...
All of the other girls and me doing fancy things were spotted long ago by KEEPER and she hits me anytime with being sarcastic, and my friends tell me she is crying from times to times.
GOD WHAT A SHALLOW CREATURE I AM, WRITING THESE TO TL FORUMS. WHO WILL EVER GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THIS WOT, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME. ANSWER MY MAIL OR IM GONNA BE MUSLIM, LAST WARNING.
I fucked up this weekend and didn't realize it until tonight. It feels so shitty to know you've hurt someone that you care for deeply, I would rather fall down a flight of stairs...
Some days I wish I hadn't done so much work on avoiding repressing my feelings. I used to just be numb all the time, no highs, no lows. I wish I could turn my feelings off
On February 23 2015 22:41 Snotling wrote: Thats a know bug on tinder, some profiles just dont show up.
And you can do exactly......nothing. Because tinder is a prime example of terrible programming.
Oh. That would explain the crass difference in user experience between a friend a me.
So, since it is linked into Facebook once it doesn't work you can simply not use Tinder?
set up another facebook. I do that anyways with photos tailored to tinder Or delete tinder+install again (you lose all matches)
I kept all my matches when I deleted/reinstalled Tinder. I just didn't get any new matches in the meantime.
(replying to chain): I already was using an ad-hoc facebook just for tinder but it seems deleting/reinstalling things from scratch worked. The location seems more accurate and some matches are happening (don't know how many will come!)
I didn't have any matches before so can't comment on whether matches were retained.
but damn there are too many (i.e. more than zero) people in the 20-24 age group that have "haha im really 18 dunno why it says 23!" 0_o
Catz, same. "Loose lips sink ships" is a terrible fucking motto for any person. It feels like there's a brick wall surrounding you that needs to come down. "Mr. Ego, tear down this wall!" I think, though, that it's better for you to be feeling emotions than to be a blank emotional slate. Emotions are what we humans live for.
On February 24 2015 11:43 ROOTFayth wrote: clearly she is lying about that, since she was trying to manipulate you into dumping her, it feels so wrong to me
Ya man sucks mega dick, it feels wrong to me too. She claims she isn't but I'm sure there's some level of dishonesty and manipulation behind it.
I disagree strongly with the argument from Fayth and yours. Ofcourse it's very hard to read a situation, where you can't look the other person in their eyes, but I wouldn't easily claim that she is lying about it. I have read most of your (Kenshin) posts regarding this situation and man, it's tough. However, women think alot different than we do. They tend to "Test" things when they have doubts about someone.
These are the 'facts', that I draw this scenario from : "Trying to manipulate into dumping you" "Being very distant after giving birth" "Says she still loves you" and this "well this is awkward because I'm thinking about it". So we talk on the phone, I push for keeping it going and she says the idea of me waiting around for her while she can't fulfill my needs kills her. She says she's unhappy, that our relationship is no longer "healthy" because of her problems with intimacy, and that I'd probably end up becoming more and more unhappy as I waited around (probably true)"
I will tell you this same scenario, from a different perspective and make of it what you will It's just another option, I'm not saying at all that she's thinking like this, but just keep it in mind:
She is in love with you heavily, but thinks she can't make you happy and that you will leave her anyways in the long term. So if you would leave now, she would hurt less, you would hurt less and the baby would get hurt less in the end. She thinks she's fat,worn out,tired and not sexy anymore since giving birth She thinks that you're only staying with her due to your baby, not because of her. She thinks that if she just pushes you away, you can be happy, because she thinks she is not good enough for you. You're an engineering student with a bright future, she is a low level mom, with a troubled family. Why WOULD you stay with her? (I'm not saying I think this in the slightest, just her train of possible thoughts)
IF this is the case, then she would try to push you away as soon as possible (i.e. now), so she won't get hurt as much. I know my fair share of girls and eventhough this situation is uncharted territory for me, alot of girls will think in such scenario's.
If you think from this perspective, what is your conclusion then Kenshin? Do you still think she is manipulating you, or do you think this might be a scenario?
Just be carefull with the girl whatever you decide. It is the mother of your child
On February 24 2015 14:33 lastpuritan wrote: Started taking french courses in university. First day a girl approaches and starts to flirt, every single lesson day she brings some juice and cookies after that i told her i skip breakfast, every single night she texts via whatsapp and always plans to do something together, later on she does not leave me alone for a second wherever i go, im always friendly and flirty, so i never say go away, we start hanging out after school and she meets my friends, they become friends. Dudes call me, hey pal, why dont you two date and try? She looks very happy about that, and openly says she is in. Invites me her houseparty but somehow her friends leave one by one, even the ones who are supposed to stay. BAD THINGS HAPPEN. And tataaa, she says "will you be my valentine?" *fuckmylife. I think this is what they call the KEEPER.
I say ermm uhmmm but i do not commit such things, explain her we should really stay as friends. She starts crying and asking me why i did accept all the compliments and behave as if i like her. I tell her i like her alread, she asks whats the problem then. *myfeels about my ex and how she cheated on / dumped me, now we both are crying, find myself hugging her. Suddenly i realize who i am and explain again that im dangerous as a boyfriend, since i may be the same flirty with anyone like i was for her. She accepts who i am as long as she has me in her life. MALE HORMONES are tingling, i insta*ask are we gonna fuck again, because that was a good one, she agrees but adding a condition : wont end-up with crying.
The story you read was a WIN / WIN for both, until the moment........ I saw another girl in the same course, and one another, and the one who joins us 3 months later. This will sound like im a perv but no, its like they are making some experimental stuff on me, lets send the beauties he may possible adore and see how this ape reacts, fuuuck.
The keeper has huge boobs and some freaking skills in bedroom. Also she is a chef ! Cant say she is very intelligent but she is emotional, reasonable and ultra friendly. I can confirm this after seeing that my 8 years long ultra conservative nerd highschool friends accepted her in their Dota 2 team, she is full of with surprises, she cooks pancakes, cakes, pizzas and invites me, and prepares unbelievable sandwiches out of nowhere or you can find her dressed as french maid in the blink of an eye. I cant spot whats wrong with her, there must be something wrong, maybe she plans to chop my penis and make me eat it, or torture me, i secretly check her browser history or check her phone while she sleeps. EVERYTHING is fucking clear, my friends call her "wife material" ......
The other girl simply offered me one night stand, she is an intelligent latin woman with good booty. I accepted the offer but she cancelled it and we are like hey sup, good, gtg, k, bye. ;_; I stare her 7-24 during course and we skype some nights.
One another * is also latin, but darker skin compared the last one. Also intelligent, body rocks again because she is a swimmer, it is sports they jump into the pool and play hockey underwater, some weird stuff. What attracts me again is her skin color and her flirty smile, but she is a princess, you cant play video games with her, you need to dress your suit and buy some flowers, get your car ready, act like she is a reward for you, i think you understood.
And the one joins later on, this one has no boobs, no booty, nothing. She is 17 and very tiny. She says she started school very early this is why she can attend university. There is nothing attracts me with her character, only thing she can tell that what a love story she had with her ex boyfriend, Romeo and Juliet, she cuts herself regularly, bloody pictures on instagram, yet she does not drink or smoke. BUT the way she kiss, or the way she eats ice cream looking into my eyes, like she is doing something else, normally i hate womanly attitudes and do not fall into those tricks but come on, every man should see things like hers...
All of the other girls and me doing fancy things were spotted long ago by KEEPER and she hits me anytime with being sarcastic, and my friends tell me she is crying from times to times.
GOD WHAT A SHALLOW CREATURE I AM, WRITING THESE TO TL FORUMS. WHO WILL EVER GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THIS WOT, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME. ANSWER MY MAIL OR IM GONNA BE MUSLIM, LAST WARNING.
You're just in denial. We love sex, we hate commitments. When your ex has cheated on you, it is almost impossible to open yourself up again. I think it is pretty wrong to spy on her while she sleeps, but that's maybe because you're not capable of trusting someone. You have to do it yourself but ; if this KEEPER is really all you say she is, and your friends also tell you to get with her, I will tell you this : Get fucking over your Ex and fucking get your shit together! It's been how long since your ex??? Sure having sex with alot of different women is great, but it will get boring. Do whatever, but think to yourself; If I let this girl walk, will I hate myself for it in 5 years time? To me, she seems smarter and more fun than you're saying here. Also she's a beast in bed, which will only get better over time.. It also seems she can be trusted, which I think is one of the most important things for you. (after your ex shit).
"We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4.) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating."
I dont want to start a war or something, but this is a middle finger to freedom of speach.
There are 4 topics or... negative types of comments that are almost banned, while at the same time in the last paragraph it states "If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on." Why cant the same argument be made for those 4 topics?
That is an insanely biased double standard, and while I agree that you need to control the conversation to avoid hatefull and negative conversations taking place, for people who are able have fun from brags and BS, of whatever kind, it is fairly depressing.
Please note that I do not think its wrong do do such a thing (after all, this site has the right to decide what behavior it enforces, since the people behind it are the owners of the site, and you did sign a users agreement for this site, no matter if you read it or not), but it sadens me that the same gaming world that I was knew where no one got offended, no matter what was said, is now a place where we have to watch our every word in order to make sure someone does not interpret it differently than we expected them to.
On the Dating terms, I can give all of you a fairly usefull advice that for me has worked everytime: Be yourself. I am a gamer, and guess waht Ive done in every first date with all the girls I know: I played games. You may think it is counter intuitive to do what you want and now what the girl wants. In the short term, you might be right, but I think differently in the long term.
If a girl likes you the way you are, and does not try to change who you are... your odds rise exponentially.
Because this a dating advice thread and not one where we discuss whether biological roles have a place in the differences between us?
This is, technically, a private forum (in that you need to sign up to participate), so there can be as much or as little freedom given to us as they want to give us. You can like it or not (and if you don't you're perfectly free to move on).
The debates/discussions/arguments on it kept derailing the thread and, I can only conjecture, made people feel less inclined to post actual requests for help/advice to the thread.
On February 24 2015 20:11 Gowerly wrote: Because this a dating advice thread and not one where we discuss whether biological roles have a place in the differences between us?
This is, technically, a private forum (in that you need to sign up to participate), so there can be as much or as little freedom given to us as they want to give us. You can like it or not (and if you don't you're perfectly free to move on).
The debates/discussions/arguments on it kept derailing the thread and, I can only conjecture, made people feel less inclined to post actual requests for help/advice to the thread.
I do agree with your observation. I wasent trying to force teamliquid to change their attitude on this subject, even if that might have seemed like it was my intention.
I was more trying to get people to reflect on what can be potentially lost in this situation. Regardless of that small point apart, I did also give my input on relationships as well, as I think it is a very usefull thread to have, even if a ratehr controversial one.
EDIT: Please note that the reason I point towards the bias beeing a problem has nothing to do with Teamliquid having a "wrong" bias. The issue is that when someone has a bias, it is far easier to get into arguments with other people who have a different bias. If you have no bias at all, it is fairly hard to engage in a discussion where you are trying to defend a point. If you are not trying to defend or impose a point, the discussion almost evaporates alone. That is what sadens be about having a biased situation.
EPT
It's just another option, I'm not saying at all that she's thinking like this, but just keep it in mind: 
