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On February 23 2015 11:36 Kenshin_915 wrote: She did develop it, but she started taking medication for it. She hasn't really told me tons about how she's doing with it tbh, but I'm assuming okay. I wouldn't like to think she is trying to cause one, but she doesn't seem to really care in any passionate way about preserving it.
Often people kinda stir stuff and try and cause fights/etc when they want to break up. I've done it before and been quite lackadaisical when the girl said she was contemplating ending the relationship because I really thought it was probably for the best.
However, I find it quite surprising that she's willing to act that way after having a child together.
Contemplated whether she's potentially seeing anyone else (given it's long distance) or that the child may potentially not be yours (in combination with the above) but it seems far more likely that it's post natal depression related rather than either of those two scenarios imo.
No it's definitely my child, that I know without a doubt. I highly highly doubt that she's seeing someone else. All the evidence and little things points to that she isn't. Yeah it may be, I'll have to ask her specifically about that when I see her. Depending on how our talk goes it'll be pretty apparent how she actually feels so I'll find out in a few days.
I usually just go and ask things upfront. So i would just ask her what the fuck is going on. Also, theres condoms, so why would she be afrid of getting pregnant again? Maybe the love is just fading out, or as someone else said, maybe shes trying to end the relationship. Theres also the posibility that the kid really takes all her time, but you have to then put eveything you can to continue the relationship. A kid can either make the relationship grow, or broke it, and it depends on how you act. If i were you, i'd jsut talk and ask "hard" questions, be direct. But i'd also try to spend more time with her and the kid, because it is also your responsability, and she should be the only one taking care of him/she and maybe that could be affecting her.
so I never read this thread, but I got a couple questions if anyone has any difficulty with the tinder app itself:
I got a (probably) super shitty tinder profile, but I'm not in this thread to ask about profile stuff; I just thought I could try it out and if it works, it works, if it doesn't, oh well
but:
(1) does anyone have real problems with the location setting? simple google results says normally just logging out/logging in, setting the location range really close then readjusting it back out, making sure the facebook profile being used it set to your city, etc should fix location settings.
I don't have a massive distance, but my age group (low 20s) I get filled with "I'm a student at X university" when that is like 200 miles away. Or, EVERYONE is listed as "5 miles away" when that simply isn't true.
(2) Bots still on tinder? I'm not in a metropolitan area, but when I was in a much more populous metropolitan area some friends downloaded the app and used just their first default pictures or whatever and instantly got some bot's responding when just mass swiping right.
I don't know how many I've swept right, but I don't have any bots (or humans) yet that have matched with me. Been a couple days.
So, do bots still plague tinder or did they clean it up? Worse than ever? Bots not in areas with, say, <7500 users?
so those kind of things make me think my profile isn't even being viewed. I guess I could contact tinder about it or whatever, or just recreate accounts, but still. Anyone think the tinder app itself doesn't pull the right data?
On February 23 2015 12:18 Kenshin_915 wrote: No it's definitely my child, that I know without a doubt. I highly highly doubt that she's seeing someone else. All the evidence and little things points to that she isn't. Yeah it may be, I'll have to ask her specifically about that when I see her. Depending on how our talk goes it'll be pretty apparent how she actually feels so I'll find out in a few days.
How long has it been since she had your kid? It's totally normal that after birth - her hormones make her less attracted towards men/you and more focused on the child.
It might take even a couple years and things will never be the same. It might cause issues if you were together because of sexual attraction but don't click so well on personal level/with values.
I really don't think having hard talks and ultimatums will solve anything though.
EDIT: Just read she had the kid 2 months ago? Forget the talk, forget how she feels cause she can't control her emotions and won't think straight because of the hormonal imbalance. Being demanding now is the worst thing you can do - you see her a couple times per week anyways so it won't take much of your effort. There was some terrible advice in the thread you should completely disregard for sure - this is not a normal dating scenario.
Just be patient, forget about your needs for some time (This is why Porn was invented, halelujah :D) be nice and supportive when you see her and read a book on female brain/hormones/neurotransmitters that explains phases of woman's life and it'll all become clear.
On February 23 2015 11:06 Kenshin_915 wrote: Would like your guy's input on a tricky situation. So I've been with my girlfriend for a bit over a year. Three months into our relationship she finds out she's pregnant, and just 2 months ago our daughter was born. I wouldn't take back having her for the world, because I love my daughter to death. I go to school full time, and she is busy 24/7 with our kid, and we don't live together so I can only visit once or twice a week.
I had noticed once she was born and things settled down that she would never text or call me, and she was physically distant when I was over. Just found out today she was physically distant because she's very afraid and anxious about getting pregnant again, so she doesn't want to have sex (or really even kiss or touch) and she isn't sure for how long. So whenever I'm over she hardly will touch me and it really upsets me. She knows this now and I don't think she's going to do anything to actively remedy it. She pegs never talking to me as just being too damn busy, which I kinda understand but I don't know if I fully buy it. If she really cared I think it would be possible to manage a text once every few days. We just talked about it in depth today. At the end of our conversation she tells me that she loves me, but she would understand if I want to end the relationship because my needs aren't being met.
I'm really tempted to, they aren't being met and I don't feel our relationship is nearly as important to her as our child. It doesn't even really feel like we are in one right now. I love her, and she loves me too I'm quite sure but I'm not happy. I kinda want to but I'd feel like a fucking asshole for doing so. But if things are gonna continue on like this maybe its the best thing for both of us? I'm really not sure what to do.
Edit: When we talked about it it was by phone, gonna visit wed and talk face to face
Dude, you need to give your girl a break.
First of all she's been diagnosed with post-partum depression. Even without the depression, she may not get that many hours of sleep in a row, her body has changed, she's leaking milk and whatnot.
Secondly, it's only been two months! Usually you go on a check up 6-8 weeks after delivery and that's when you get the ok to have sex IF everything has healed alright. I'm not saying some people start earlier but considering what went on down there (during a vaginal birth) no wonder she wants to give it some time.
Heyo! A girl with proper sex education here. What your girlfriend is going through is completely normal post-delivery. Naturally, after a child's birth (especially after the first kiddo) mothers become hella protective and overbearing of their children, to the point of ignoring a lot of other things in their life, most of the time. Mina was on point with the post-partum depression. Look, you aren't married to this girl and the child was likely an accident. She's probably getting judged from her family and a lot of her social circles and she's having to take care of a crying and pooping bundle of joy who never sleeps. Babies take up a LOT of time, so even things that she wants to do, she probably can't. She's under a lot of shit right now, and sex doesn't help. Yeah, it may suck for you, but if you really love her and/or your child, just be supportive. Also remember that a baby just ripped open her fucking vagina and crawled out of it. It's not exactly a pleasant experience that makes you want to do it again. Honestly, she'll come around when she's ready, but you constantly wanting sex will drag it out a long time. A small hack to this I've learned is to be extremely loving to the child. Hug her all the time and take care of her as your girlfriend normally would- she'll see this and subconsciously open up faster. Also, if you can, offer to babysit. Letting her sleep for a few hours will also help. Really though, you just need to be supportive.
On February 23 2015 12:18 Kenshin_915 wrote: No it's definitely my child, that I know without a doubt. I highly highly doubt that she's seeing someone else. All the evidence and little things points to that she isn't. Yeah it may be, I'll have to ask her specifically about that when I see her. Depending on how our talk goes it'll be pretty apparent how she actually feels so I'll find out in a few days.
How long has it been since she had your kid? It's totally normal that after birth - her hormones make her less attracted towards men/you and more focused on the child.
It might take even a couple years and things will never be the same. It might cause issues if you were together because of sexual attraction but don't click so well on personal level/with values.
I really don't think having hard talks and ultimatums will solve anything though.
EDIT: Just read she had the kid 2 months ago? Forget the talk, forget how she feels cause she can't control her emotions and won't think straight because of the hormonal imbalance. Being demanding now is the worst thing you can do - you see her a couple times per week anyways so it won't take much of your effort. There was some terrible advice in the thread you should completely disregard for sure - this is not a normal dating scenario.
Just be patient, forget about your needs for some time (This is why Porn was invented, halelujah :D) be nice and supportive when you see her and read a book on female brain/hormones/neurotransmitters that explains phases of woman's life and it'll all become clear.
I don't think normal dating "rules" stop applying ever, that's how husbands end up wiped and paying alimony 10 years down the road. You adapt, not really change.
On one hand shit is prolly hard for her, on the other woman are VERY good on making up excuses for misbeheavor that sound perfectly reasonable but are ultimately not true, and you seem to get the gut feeling that's what it is.
I would aproach it this way:
You should TELL HER (not have a talk, tell her) that you expect to be welcomed with a smile and a hug, that you understand if she is not ready for sex yet and that you are ok with it, but you want to feel apreciated period. That you want to continue being supportive of both your kid and her, that you love her, and that you expect nothing less in return.
As hard as it may be for some people to hear, woman don't stop being woman once they get married or have kids, and you have to keep her attraction for you. If she is no longer attracted to you she WILL leave, cheat or perpetually make your life miserable.
How much time are you taking caring for the child Kenshin?
Not trying to be judgemental, but I think a child is a game changer. Like you guys have to start sacrificing your time to raise her at least for the first year. Eg. if you aren't already, try to study near her, let her sleep, and stop studying whenever she starts crying.
I'm not familiar with what the side effects of birth are for women so I can't say if this is something normal that passes, but perhaps you can do some research, maybe even consult a doctor. You said she was diagnosed with depression. What do doctors say you should do? Should you not be expecting affection, or should you ask for affection?
@GoTunk! If he's worried about Alimony, can't he always get a prenupt to reduce the child support payments he'd have to make if they break up? It's not like applying normal dating rules suddenly removes alimony. Honestly, it's his child and I'm sure he loves her. I think it'd be best if they worked through this, since it sounds like it might just be a temporary depression.
Thanks for all the feedback guys, much appreciated. Thinking about it more and reading what you've said I'm sure it's just a combination of hormones and the situation.
So a crazy update. I texted her and told her I wasn't going to break up with her, and she says "well this is awkward because I'm thinking about it". So we talk on the phone, I push for keeping it going and she says the idea of me waiting around for her while she can't fulfill my needs kills her. She says she's unhappy, that our relationship is no longer "healthy" because of her problems with intimacy, and that I'd probably end up becoming more and more unhappy as I waited around (probably true). I tell her I get the overwhelming feeling that she doesn't know how to handle all that's going on and just wants to bail, I can't remember exactly how she responded but she didn't think that was the case.
I asked her if she wanted to wait longer and think about it, because she had been thinking about it for one day. She said no. She said perhaps we can give it another go after a few months of being friends. I'm not completely opposed to the idea, bit it's slim to none that I'll go for it.
What annoyed me a bit is that she was clearly pushing hard for a break up, but she just wouldn't fucking say it. I actually said "well I've laid my cards on the table, I want to be together. So it's up to you to say yes or no" and she still didn't! Goddamn. So I finally just said "well I guess we've reached a verdict" and now it's done. What a mind fuck.
I asked her if there were any other factors that lead her to this, and she said no, that it was only the long distance thing and not being able to meet my needs.
Well can't blame a guy for not trying :/
Edit: also not to brag but I feel like a fucking champ, I was as cool and reasonable as ice boys
On February 24 2015 02:31 obesechicken13 wrote: How much time are you taking caring for the child Kenshin?
Not trying to be judgemental, but I think a child is a game changer. Like you guys have to start sacrificing your time to raise her at least for the first year. Eg. if you aren't already, try to study near her, let her sleep, and stop studying whenever she starts crying.
I'm not familiar with what the side effects of birth are for women so I can't say if this is something normal that passes, but perhaps you can do some research, maybe even consult a doctor. You said she was diagnosed with depression. What do doctors say you should do? Should you not be expecting affection, or should you ask for affection?
@GoTunk! If he's worried about Alimony, can't he always get a prenupt to reduce the child support payments he'd have to make if they break up? It's not like applying normal dating rules suddenly removes alimony. Honestly, it's his child and I'm sure he loves her. I think it'd be best if they worked through this, since it sounds like it might just be a temporary depression.
I was pointing out that you have to balance your sense of duty as a father with your duty as a lover and keeping your womans attraction high. If all you do is give, give and more give your woman will eventually be turned off and dump you no matter what. You have to be more than a provider.
EPT
