We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating.
On July 05 2014 10:32 LeLfe wrote: just broke up... gonna suck it up with good friends and insane amount of work out as usual... really liked that one though.
So there's a girl I'm interested in. She is amazingly hot and ticks all my boxes. Lately she's been acting really flirty with me (touching me, laughing at jokes I'm pretty sure weren't funny, acting all sad when I was leaving among other things). The problem is she's 18 years old to my 25, and she's a colleague of mine. She's a waitress, I'm a chef.
I feel like a bit of a perv for being attracted to her but I am attracted to her. I'll only be working with her for another 2 months, after that I'm going back to uni. Regardless, would you guys agree with an assessment that acting on my attraction would be a recipe for disaster?
If not, how do I escalate anything without becoming the company pedobear?
Legally she's an adult no?
There's nothing wrong with acting off attraction that's completely normal.
You know yourself better than anyone else, if you are the kind of person that gets hurt over relationships, then its best to just be really direct and open with her before you get invested. If you can handle break ups easily and you are really confident then you could play it as you go.
If you are scared of "ruining the chance" because you think things are going amazingly with this hot girl and you don't wanna screw it up then I would be wary. This is exactly the kind of mentality that will get you super invested and then not work out.
I want to just emphasise this because of the bolded part. You know nothing about her, saying that she already ticks all the boxes means you are giving her attributes that don't exist or can't possibly know yet, possibly because of her looks. She can't possibly "tick all the boxes" until you know a lot more about her.
Take off the rose tinted glasses and see her for who she is, have valid reasons for getting into a relationship with her. Its just if your drivers are mostly external it can cause you a lot of pain when things don't work out. In the end she's just a girl, nothing separates her from the rest of them, she's not special and there's nothing to say that you won't meet a better person in the future.
As long as you have your life worked out and you know exactly what you want, and you know when to let things go if you don't connect, then there is nothing to be worried about.
This is what I would do (I'm not you so I'm not saying this is the best way). Make sure to not just come out of the blue, give her some time to prepare. In the middle of a chat during the day say something like "hey what are you doing after work? I'd like to talk to you about something" at a really comfortable time, then play it off and continue your fun chat like you've normally been doing. If she's busy just say ok and keep talking, move on, try again later, if she says she's got time then there's probably something going on.
Then come that time start chatting with her, talk anything interesting about your day, exaggerate it! tell her some amazing story that happened or whatever.
Then you could be really direct look straight at her in the eyes and say (and try to be as slow and casual as possible, don't blurt it out) "Yeah so I find you really attractive, I think you feel the same way about me, and was wondering if you wanted to hang out". She will either say no sorry or yes, this is good because you don't get invested and get hurt in the future, or you both are "in the know" and you can escalate quickly without trouble. No matter how she responds keep talking, it will make both of you feel better and not make the situation weird.
Once you start dating, escalating wise I found its just better to save the trouble and get everything out the door for me. Tell her what you like, your lifestyle and what you are about, what you are looking for, find how you can fulfill each others needs, e.g sex, going out and enjoyment, what you find attractive, etc (same for her). Obviously not like an interview manner, but I try to get the bases covered early because the longer the relationship goes the harder these questions are for her to answer. And if you don't match up just let it go and find someone else that fits you better.
Or you can be indirect and play games and take the rollercoaster ride of not knowing where each other are at, either works it depends on you and the girl, really its up to you.
Maybe "she ticks all my boxes" was phrased poorly. What I meant to say was, A lot of the character traits and interests she displayed are ones I find attractive. I realise that I know next to nothing about her and that we've only been chatting for a bit. There's no real pedestal or investment so far, though I have been prone to do that in the past. I think the way I feel about the age difference is keeping that at bay at the moment.
Thanks for your other advice on asking her out. I'm working with her again today so the least I can do today is flirt back. I'll be on holiday for a week after that so we'll see what happens when I get back.
So there's a girl I'm interested in. She is amazingly hot and ticks all my boxes. Lately she's been acting really flirty with me (touching me, laughing at jokes I'm pretty sure weren't funny, acting all sad when I was leaving among other things). The problem is she's 18 years old to my 25, and she's a colleague of mine. She's a waitress, I'm a chef.
I feel like a bit of a perv for being attracted to her but I am attracted to her. I'll only be working with her for another 2 months, after that I'm going back to uni. Regardless, would you guys agree with an assessment that acting on my attraction would be a recipe for disaster? (don't shit where you eat, don't hit on barely legal girls )
If not, how do I escalate anything without becoming the company pedobear?
Huh, well there are many factors at play here.
First off all, we need to look at some logistical factors. Will your work be effected by the pursuit of this girl? Atm, I only care about your wellness, so if there are any policies regarding forging relationships b/w employees. And even though, you will be out there in 2 months, I hate to your work getting prematurely terminated.
Under the assumption that your job placement won't be affected, is it legally to date her? Which appears to be positive through http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages_of_consent_in_Europe#Netherlands. So if it is legal to date her, you shouldn't feel bad about it at all!
Personally, I treat women with respect so by the fact that she is acting really flirty with you is a sign that she WANTS you to flirt back. By denying her advances, you are unconsciously saying that she ain't good for you, this will perhaps make her lose self-esteems and really not showing the necessary respect that she deserves.
By all means, you should go for it! Later on, you may never see this girl again due to moving, careers, or just general life obstacles. Will you really live the rest of your life in regret of thinking about "what if..."?
Yeah she's legal, and no my work won't really be affected. I could avoid her if I wanted to, and we don't exactly work together on a daily basis anyway. So her attitude towards me won't really change my work. There is no real policies regarding dating so that too shouldn't be a problem.
I'm not so sure on the attitude of other more direct colleagues if they hear I've been hitting on an 18 year old though...
I agree that I don't want to regret and think "what if". I also don't really think I shouldn't be trying to get something going with her, I just think I need a bit of time to get used to the idea. I'll see what I can get accomplished working with her today.
So here I am again, the guy who was interested in his 18 year old colleague.
I have had some time to think about the situation and let it sink in. Went on holiday for a bit. Came back realising that life is too short to chicken out of everything.
So now that I've realised I want to make work o fit, the question is how.
Chance of just happening to stumble upon some 1 on 1 time with her at work is really slim. Our schedules are too different, we never start or end work at around the same times and our regular work schedule only allowes for short few second interactions at a time, while surrounded by colleagues. So either I really awkwardly go "so uh can I talk to you in private for a bit", making this completely awkward for both of us if she were to say no. Not to mention my other colleagues. I could call/text her, but she hasn't given me her number (it's on the work schedule so I can get it), but it's probably better to do this shit in person. It seems like I'd be hoping for a miracle to happen to find some time alone with her (and while being able to get it into the normal flow of conversation), or put myself into a very uncomfortable position (I'm notoriously bad at this).
Definately don't do personal stuff from a number accessed from work without consent. If one on one interaction is really rare text is a decent option though. Something in passing like "Is it cool if I text you something?" will be enough to grant you permission to pull her number from the work list and send a personal message. I would start with something short simple and slightly ambiguous. Along the lines of "don't you wish you could just _____ (Option) put some customers on mute and just play (some song that you think she likes)while getting them whatever they need. (possibly if I gather you work a cell phone store or booth?) As long as she responds you could say something along the lines of 'Anyway I thought you might want to meet up (after work or on an off day[depending on what makes more sense schedule wise]) to get to know each other a little better?'
This should give you a better idea of where she is as far as what she is interested in doing. If she rejects the idea outright just let it go (unless you think this is important), if she tries to pick a different time or day be a little flexible, but don't let her tell you when you are going to meet up. If she just says yeah, than you're good to go.
On July 05 2014 10:32 LeLfe wrote: just broke up... gonna suck it up with good friends and insane amount of work out as usual... really liked that one though.
Sorry to hear that Time heals all wounds
yup vodka and time will do!
What helped me is thinking about all the things I didn't like and would no longer have to put up with... In the top 10 was definitely being able to game/surf late into the night on my off days.
Another thing that helped me was thinking about her as a crotchety old woman who was constantly nagging me about whatever she nagged me about.
Then finally, was talking to/imagining women who didn't do that type of stuff. And admitting to myself that in all likelihood I would eventually find mine.
Watching this video of Felicia and Day9 passively flirting also gave me hope of finding someone who meshed better with myself.
On July 06 2014 00:24 urboss wrote: Our (hot female) biology teacher used to tell us that men die earlier than women because they spend their whole life chasing them...
I hear a lot of stories why women live longer but I can see this discussion going south pretty quick so we should probably skip it.
On July 05 2014 10:32 LeLfe wrote: just broke up... gonna suck it up with good friends and insane amount of work out as usual... really liked that one though.
Sorry to hear that Time heals all wounds
yup vodka and time will do!
What helped me is thinking about all the things I didn't like and would no longer have to put up with... In the top 10 was definitely being able to game/surf late into the night on my off days.
Another thing that helped me was thinking about her as a crotchety old woman who was constantly nagging me about whatever she nagged me about.
Then finally, was talking to/imagining women who didn't do that type of stuff. And admitting to myself that in all likelihood I would eventually find mine.
Watching this video of Felicia and Day9 passively flirting also gave me hope of finding someone who meshed better with myself.
thanks for the advice appreciate it. I guess everybody has his way to cope with it, i really like to work out (and do more sports in general) than I usually do (which is already quite a lot), and just don't close myself to the world, saying yes to every opportunity to be out and not thinking too much is pretty good, as for tonight, getting drunk till I don't remember my name will do the trick! Cheers
So there's a girl I'm interested in. She is amazingly hot and ticks all my boxes. Lately she's been acting really flirty with me (touching me, laughing at jokes I'm pretty sure weren't funny, acting all sad when I was leaving among other things). The problem is she's 18 years old to my 25, and she's a colleague of mine. She's a waitress, I'm a chef.
I feel like a bit of a perv for being attracted to her but I am attracted to her. I'll only be working with her for another 2 months, after that I'm going back to uni. Regardless, would you guys agree with an assessment that acting on my attraction would be a recipe for disaster?
If not, how do I escalate anything without becoming the company pedobear?
Legally she's an adult no?
There's nothing wrong with acting off attraction that's completely normal.
You know yourself better than anyone else, if you are the kind of person that gets hurt over relationships, then its best to just be really direct and open with her before you get invested. If you can handle break ups easily and you are really confident then you could play it as you go.
If you are scared of "ruining the chance" because you think things are going amazingly with this hot girl and you don't wanna screw it up then I would be wary. This is exactly the kind of mentality that will get you super invested and then not work out.
I want to just emphasise this because of the bolded part. You know nothing about her, saying that she already ticks all the boxes means you are giving her attributes that don't exist or can't possibly know yet, possibly because of her looks. She can't possibly "tick all the boxes" until you know a lot more about her.
Take off the rose tinted glasses and see her for who she is, have valid reasons for getting into a relationship with her. Its just if your drivers are mostly external it can cause you a lot of pain when things don't work out. In the end she's just a girl, nothing separates her from the rest of them, she's not special and there's nothing to say that you won't meet a better person in the future.
As long as you have your life worked out and you know exactly what you want, and you know when to let things go if you don't connect, then there is nothing to be worried about.
This is what I would do (I'm not you so I'm not saying this is the best way). Make sure to not just come out of the blue, give her some time to prepare. In the middle of a chat during the day say something like "hey what are you doing after work? I'd like to talk to you about something" at a really comfortable time, then play it off and continue your fun chat like you've normally been doing. If she's busy just say ok and keep talking, move on, try again later, if she says she's got time then there's probably something going on.
Then come that time start chatting with her, talk anything interesting about your day, exaggerate it! tell her some amazing story that happened or whatever.
Then you could be really direct look straight at her in the eyes and say (and try to be as slow and casual as possible, don't blurt it out) "Yeah so I find you really attractive, I think you feel the same way about me, and was wondering if you wanted to hang out". She will either say no sorry or yes, this is good because you don't get invested and get hurt in the future, or you both are "in the know" and you can escalate quickly without trouble. No matter how she responds keep talking, it will make both of you feel better and not make the situation weird.
Once you start dating, escalating wise I found its just better to save the trouble and get everything out the door for me. Tell her what you like, your lifestyle and what you are about, what you are looking for, find how you can fulfill each others needs, e.g sex, going out and enjoyment, what you find attractive, etc (same for her). Obviously not like an interview manner, but I try to get the bases covered early because the longer the relationship goes the harder these questions are for her to answer. And if you don't match up just let it go and find someone else that fits you better.
Or you can be indirect and play games and take the rollercoaster ride of not knowing where each other are at, either works it depends on you and the girl, really its up to you.
Maybe "she ticks all my boxes" was phrased poorly. What I meant to say was, A lot of the character traits and interests she displayed are ones I find attractive. I realise that I know next to nothing about her and that we've only been chatting for a bit. There's no real pedestal or investment so far, though I have been prone to do that in the past. I think the way I feel about the age difference is keeping that at bay at the moment.
Thanks for your other advice on asking her out. I'm working with her again today so the least I can do today is flirt back. I'll be on holiday for a week after that so we'll see what happens when I get back.
So there's a girl I'm interested in. She is amazingly hot and ticks all my boxes. Lately she's been acting really flirty with me (touching me, laughing at jokes I'm pretty sure weren't funny, acting all sad when I was leaving among other things). The problem is she's 18 years old to my 25, and she's a colleague of mine. She's a waitress, I'm a chef.
I feel like a bit of a perv for being attracted to her but I am attracted to her. I'll only be working with her for another 2 months, after that I'm going back to uni. Regardless, would you guys agree with an assessment that acting on my attraction would be a recipe for disaster? (don't shit where you eat, don't hit on barely legal girls )
If not, how do I escalate anything without becoming the company pedobear?
Huh, well there are many factors at play here.
First off all, we need to look at some logistical factors. Will your work be effected by the pursuit of this girl? Atm, I only care about your wellness, so if there are any policies regarding forging relationships b/w employees. And even though, you will be out there in 2 months, I hate to your work getting prematurely terminated.
Under the assumption that your job placement won't be affected, is it legally to date her? Which appears to be positive through http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages_of_consent_in_Europe#Netherlands. So if it is legal to date her, you shouldn't feel bad about it at all!
Personally, I treat women with respect so by the fact that she is acting really flirty with you is a sign that she WANTS you to flirt back. By denying her advances, you are unconsciously saying that she ain't good for you, this will perhaps make her lose self-esteems and really not showing the necessary respect that she deserves.
By all means, you should go for it! Later on, you may never see this girl again due to moving, careers, or just general life obstacles. Will you really live the rest of your life in regret of thinking about "what if..."?
Yeah she's legal, and no my work won't really be affected. I could avoid her if I wanted to, and we don't exactly work together on a daily basis anyway. So her attitude towards me won't really change my work. There is no real policies regarding dating so that too shouldn't be a problem.
I'm not so sure on the attitude of other more direct colleagues if they hear I've been hitting on an 18 year old though...
I agree that I don't want to regret and think "what if". I also don't really think I shouldn't be trying to get something going with her, I just think I need a bit of time to get used to the idea. I'll see what I can get accomplished working with her today.
So here I am again, the guy who was interested in his 18 year old colleague.
I have had some time to think about the situation and let it sink in. Went on holiday for a bit. Came back realising that life is too short to chicken out of everything.
So now that I've realised I want to make work o fit, the question is how.
Chance of just happening to stumble upon some 1 on 1 time with her at work is really slim. Our schedules are too different, we never start or end work at around the same times and our regular work schedule only allowes for short few second interactions at a time, while surrounded by colleagues. So either I really awkwardly go "so uh can I talk to you in private for a bit", making this completely awkward for both of us if she were to say no. Not to mention my other colleagues. I could call/text her, but she hasn't given me her number (it's on the work schedule so I can get it), but it's probably better to do this shit in person. It seems like I'd be hoping for a miracle to happen to find some time alone with her (and while being able to get it into the normal flow of conversation), or put myself into a very uncomfortable position (I'm notoriously bad at this).
Definately don't do personal stuff from a number accessed from work without consent. If one on one interaction is really rare text is a decent option though. Something in passing like "Is it cool if I text you something?" will be enough to grant you permission to pull her number from the work list and send a personal message. I would start with something short simple and slightly ambiguous. Along the lines of "don't you wish you could just _____ (Option) put some customers on mute and just play (some song that you think she likes)while getting them whatever they need. (possibly if I gather you work a cell phone store or booth?) As long as she responds you could say something along the lines of 'Anyway I thought you might want to meet up (after work or on an off day[depending on what makes more sense schedule wise]) to get to know each other a little better?'
This should give you a better idea of where she is as far as what she is interested in doing. If she rejects the idea outright just let it go (unless you think this is important), if she tries to pick a different time or day be a little flexible, but don't let her tell you when you are going to meet up. If she just says yeah, than you're good to go.
Fuck my life. We happened to be done at the same time. I walked home with her. When we came to my turn we stood there talking for like an hour. We were hitting it off amazingly well, a better talk than I've had with anyone in ages. I just about mustered the courage to ask her out when a mutual friend showed up and started talking to her about whatever. Fucking cockblocked.
Now it's another week before we even work the same day and I have to start all over again. No way of guaranteeing I even get to talk to her then.
On July 06 2014 09:34 Mikau wrote: Now it's another week before we even work the same day and I have to start all over again. No way of guaranteeing I even get to talk to her then.
Not sure that "starting over" is appropriate here. She probably enjoyed that talkas much as you did, and will remember it too.
In terms of gathering courage I have to start over, and it's hard to get into a situation to naturally ask her out when our interaction is limited to 30 second bits.
I agree she hopefully enjoyed it too and will remember it.
I'm dating multiple girls. The other night one of them went on to talk about how she used to like a GIRL friend. While my jaw was dropping, she then said that she would like to try a threesome with me and another girl, to the condition that this other girl is beautiful.
On July 06 2014 00:24 urboss wrote: Our (hot female) biology teacher used to tell us that men die earlier than women because they spend their whole life chasing them...
I hear a lot of stories why women live longer but I can see this discussion going south pretty quick so we should probably skip it.
Women live longer because on average they're shorter.
On July 07 2014 07:17 SoSexy wrote: Ok guys, I have a golden chance.
I'm dating multiple girls. The other night one of them went on to talk about how she used to like a GIRL friend. While my jaw was dropping, she then said that she would like to try a threesome with me and another girl, to the condition that this other girl is beautiful.
Now I have only one thought: need.to.find.girl
but it's hard, super hard
Threesomes are fun but the logistics tend to be a nightmare.
1) Find 2nd gurl that's into it. 2) Have a close enough relationship with her that you can get tested with her/trust her with birth control (threesome with condoms is a major pain in the ass), don't be close enough that she falls in love with one of you after a couple of weeks. 3) Dance like a madman to avoid major emotional attachment, fail at it longterm anyway, start from scratch.
On July 07 2014 07:17 SoSexy wrote: Ok guys, I have a golden chance.
I'm dating multiple girls. The other night one of them went on to talk about how she used to like a GIRL friend. While my jaw was dropping, she then said that she would like to try a threesome with me and another girl, to the condition that this other girl is beautiful.
Now I have only one thought: need.to.find.girl
but it's hard, super hard
Threesomes are fun but the logistics tend to be a nightmare.
1) Find 2nd gurl that's into it. 2) Have a close enough relationship with her that you can get tested with her/trust her with birth control (threesome with condoms is a major pain in the ass), don't be close enough that she falls in love with one of you after a couple of weeks. 3) Dance like a madman to avoid major emotional attachment, fail at it longterm anyway, start from scratch.
Exceptions to this cycle seem incredibly rare. ;;
I think the worst point is 1). If the girls are ok with it, I see no problem in using the condom. I'll keep you guys updated if something good happen
On July 05 2014 10:32 LeLfe wrote: just broke up... gonna suck it up with good friends and insane amount of work out as usual... really liked that one though.
Sorry to hear that Time heals all wounds
yup vodka and time will do!
vodka = girl drink. whiskey = man drink. After breakups i tend to pull out that cognac, sip and relax. Because the next day.. Im getting on the saddle again and riding that horse !!
On July 05 2014 10:32 LeLfe wrote: just broke up... gonna suck it up with good friends and insane amount of work out as usual... really liked that one though.
Sorry to hear that Time heals all wounds
yup vodka and time will do!
vodka = girl drink. whiskey = man drink. After breakups i tend to pull out that cognac, sip and relax. Because the next day.. Im getting on the saddle again and riding that horse !!
On July 07 2014 07:17 SoSexy wrote: Ok guys, I have a golden chance.
I'm dating multiple girls. The other night one of them went on to talk about how she used to like a GIRL friend. While my jaw was dropping, she then said that she would like to try a threesome with me and another girl, to the condition that this other girl is beautiful.
Now I have only one thought: need.to.find.girl
but it's hard, super hard
Threesomes are fun but the logistics tend to be a nightmare.
1) Find 2nd gurl that's into it. 2) Have a close enough relationship with her that you can get tested with her/trust her with birth control (threesome with condoms is a major pain in the ass), don't be close enough that she falls in love with one of you after a couple of weeks. 3) Dance like a madman to avoid major emotional attachment, fail at it longterm anyway, start from scratch.
Exceptions to this cycle seem incredibly rare. ;;
I think the worst point is 1). If the girls are ok with it, I see no problem in using the condom. I'll keep you guys updated if something good happen
You need to change it between girls and blowjobs with it on aren't exactly awesome either. =P
EPT
Time heals all wounds 
