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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On May 17 2014 10:45 arb wrote:Show nested quote +On May 17 2014 09:38 WarSame wrote:
She's probably not going to hang out with you on Sunday, or maybe ever again. Best thing to do would be leave Sunday up to her, try to set something else up and then if that fails forget about it. She probably wasn't that interested in you initially. I am ok with that tbh, if you arent interested and just want to have sex then really just say so and spare me the bullshit which really annoys me with people any fucking way. I was yes like you said going to hope that works, and if not maybe set up another day and if that doesnt work just cut my losses and figure i enjoyed myself anyways.
I've been there, that stuff's annoying as all hell. If you're gonna bring this shit up and try setting up a date or w/e, and then come up with an excuse because you're not really interested, how about not do that to begin with? It's just a whatever for me, so I dunno what all the machination is for.
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It seems that women will never cease to leave me wondering. Now I like to believe that over the years I've learned a thing or two, like being able to tell if a woman is interested in me in a romantic way or a friendly way or maybe just not interested at all and just being polite. Important signs to me are things like responsiveness, body language, and whether or not the other person is proactive in setting a date to meet up (for example she is busy but suggests a later date that does fit her schedule).
Now I've just moved back to the town I lived at for some time about a year ago. At that time I knew a girl there who (imo) made it very clear that she was interested in me, yet nothing ever happened mostly due to both of us being busy and me not really wanting to date someone who works at the same company as me. When I left she told me that she would never change her phone number so I should call her if I ever would come back.
Now that I have come back a year later she works at a different company so there are no more barriers for me. I visited her at her work one of my first days back and she seemed very happy and enthusiastic to see me again. So we decide to meet up. Both of us are busy so we could only meet up about 1.5 week later. Everything is just fine and dandy we text a bit until suddenly after a few days complete radio silence. I sent her a few more messages mainly to know if we were still on for the date because I dont have a lot of off time and I don't want to waste it on a no-show. Finally, the day before the date she responds (I decided to just call her). She tells me that she can't meet up because her friend is pregnant or w/e. Fine, might be true, but to me it sounds like a lame ass way of telling me she's had a change of heart. So I more or less say that I bet she's "gonna be busy for the foreseeable future". But then she says that if I'm to busy to meet her next week she can come visit me at work. So now I'm kinda thinking that although shes a pretty awesome girl it's not really worth the effort because apparently just meeting her once is already such a daunting task it would probably only get more and more frustrating down the road. What do you guys think?
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Netherlands6192 Posts
On May 17 2014 15:28 B.I.G. wrote:
It seems that women will never cease to leave me wondering. Now I like to believe that over the years I've learned a thing or two, like being able to tell if a woman is interested in me in a romantic way or a friendly way or maybe just not interested at all and just being polite. Important signs to me are things like responsiveness, body language, and whether or not the other person is proactive in setting a date to meet up (for example she is busy but suggests a later date that does fit her schedule).
Now I've just moved back to the town I lived at for some time about a year ago. At that time I knew a girl there who (imo) made it very clear that she was interested in me, yet nothing ever happened mostly due to both of us being busy and me not really wanting to date someone who works at the same company as me. When I left she told me that she would never change her phone number so I should call her if I ever would come back.
Now that I have come back a year later she works at a different company so there are no more barriers for me. I visited her at her work one of my first days back and she seemed very happy and enthusiastic to see me again. So we decide to meet up. Both of us are busy so we could only meet up about 1.5 week later. Everything is just fine and dandy we text a bit until suddenly after a few days complete radio silence. I sent her a few more messages mainly to know if we were still on for the date because I dont have a lot of off time and I don't want to waste it on a no-show. Finally, the day before the date she responds (I decided to just call her). She tells me that she can't meet up because her friend is pregnant or w/e. Fine, might be true, but to me it sounds like a lame ass way of telling me she's had a change of heart. So I more or less say that I bet she's "gonna be busy for the foreseeable future". But then she says that if I'm to busy to meet her next week she can come visit me at work. So now I'm kinda thinking that although shes a pretty awesome girl it's not really worth the effort because apparently just meeting her once is already such a daunting task it would probably only get more and more frustrating down the road. What do you guys think?
imo you should leave the ball in her court. Leave it up to her to make plans with you now. If she doesn't make any effort, offer a date once more and take it from there. If it was an unexpected pregnancy and her friend needs support etc then her being silent for a few days is pretty understandable. Girls need support from their friends. It could also be a test to see if you want to pursue her. Girls also like to be chased because it makes them feel they are worth something to someone.
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Just got an account on Ayi. Honestly doesn't seem any better than POF. POF is free though whereas Ayi is impossible to use w/o paying. Can't use tinder because don't have ios7. Ayi is really buggy, can't run on chrome, and its browse is fairly stupid as it looks for people 500+ miles away from you.
How are you supposed to do this? Fill your profile with things you like but you also think girls like? What do you put in your status? And how much of a numbers game is this?
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On May 17 2014 15:28 B.I.G. wrote:
It seems that women will never cease to leave me wondering. Now I like to believe that over the years I've learned a thing or two, like being able to tell if a woman is interested in me in a romantic way or a friendly way or maybe just not interested at all and just being polite. Important signs to me are things like responsiveness, body language, and whether or not the other person is proactive in setting a date to meet up (for example she is busy but suggests a later date that does fit her schedule).
Now I've just moved back to the town I lived at for some time about a year ago. At that time I knew a girl there who (imo) made it very clear that she was interested in me, yet nothing ever happened mostly due to both of us being busy and me not really wanting to date someone who works at the same company as me. When I left she told me that she would never change her phone number so I should call her if I ever would come back.
Now that I have come back a year later she works at a different company so there are no more barriers for me. I visited her at her work one of my first days back and she seemed very happy and enthusiastic to see me again. So we decide to meet up. Both of us are busy so we could only meet up about 1.5 week later. Everything is just fine and dandy we text a bit until suddenly after a few days complete radio silence. I sent her a few more messages mainly to know if we were still on for the date because I dont have a lot of off time and I don't want to waste it on a no-show. Finally, the day before the date she responds (I decided to just call her). She tells me that she can't meet up because her friend is pregnant or w/e. Fine, might be true, but to me it sounds like a lame ass way of telling me she's had a change of heart. So I more or less say that I bet she's "gonna be busy for the foreseeable future". But then she says that if I'm to busy to meet her next week she can come visit me at work. So now I'm kinda thinking that although shes a pretty awesome girl it's not really worth the effort because apparently just meeting her once is already such a daunting task it would probably only get more and more frustrating down the road. What do you guys think?
You come off as needy (multiple unanswered messages into calling her) and are acting childish (So I more or less say that I bet she's "gonna be busy for the foreseeable future").
Since despite all that she still wants to meet you she apparently is into you but you're trying really hard to screw it up. Hell, after she offers to visit you to make up for her not having time you start being depressed about your own schedule. If you want things to continue with her (or a potential next girl) stop being such a debbie downer.
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Perhaps you are right. But if I take a day off for someone and it's my only day off in a period 2 weeks I kinda want to be given a heads up longer than 5 minutes before hand if the other person has to cancel. Call it needy but it in this case it would be the need to make use of my time off.
Besides one of the biggest reasons I like her is because I thought/think shes at a level of maturity where she doesn't play games and tells you shit straight up. And regardless of how busy you are I call bullshit on being too busy to send back a one line text over a period of 1.5/2 weeks.
I appreciate the input although I don't see why you have to be a dick about it.
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Netherlands6192 Posts
On May 18 2014 04:03 B.I.G. wrote:
Perhaps you are right. But if I take a day off for someone and it's my only day off in a period 2 weeks I kinda want to be given a heads up longer than 5 minutes before hand if the other person has to cancel. Call it needy but it in this case it would be the need to make use of my time off.
Besides one of the biggest reasons I like her is because I thought/think shes at a level of maturity where she doesn't play games and tells you shit straight up. And regardless of how busy you are I call bullshit on being too busy to send back a one line text over a period of 1.5/2 weeks.
I appreciate the input although I don't see why you have to be a dick about it.
Sorry, I didn't mean to be a dick  Well, gl with her!
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Oh sorry dravenor I was talking about r.evo's post. I mostly agree with your post except that I don't have the feeling she's trying to play a game. At least I hope not. Biggest turn off ever imo.
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On May 18 2014 04:03 B.I.G. wrote:
Perhaps you are right. But if I take a day off for someone and it's my only day off in a period 2 weeks I kinda want to be given a heads up longer than 5 minutes before hand if the other person has to cancel. Call it needy but it in this case it would be the need to make use of my time off.
Besides one of the biggest reasons I like her is because I thought/think shes at a level of maturity where she doesn't play games and tells you shit straight up. And regardless of how busy you are I call bullshit on being too busy to send back a one line text over a period of 1.5/2 weeks.
I appreciate the input although I don't see why you have to be a dick about it.
I'm being honest with you and am telling you shit straight up.
It's not about what she's doing (obviously her leaving you hanging like that is a dickmove), it's about how you're handling it.
Needy way: "Hey is our date still on? ... Is it? ... Hello? ... Do you still like me?!?"
Non-needy way: "I just got invited to do xyz with a buddy for friday, gimme a heads-up if our date is still on. <3"
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On May 17 2014 18:46 r.Evo wrote:Show nested quote +On May 17 2014 15:28 B.I.G. wrote:
It seems that women will never cease to leave me wondering. Now I like to believe that over the years I've learned a thing or two, like being able to tell if a woman is interested in me in a romantic way or a friendly way or maybe just not interested at all and just being polite. Important signs to me are things like responsiveness, body language, and whether or not the other person is proactive in setting a date to meet up (for example she is busy but suggests a later date that does fit her schedule).
Now I've just moved back to the town I lived at for some time about a year ago. At that time I knew a girl there who (imo) made it very clear that she was interested in me, yet nothing ever happened mostly due to both of us being busy and me not really wanting to date someone who works at the same company as me. When I left she told me that she would never change her phone number so I should call her if I ever would come back.
Now that I have come back a year later she works at a different company so there are no more barriers for me. I visited her at her work one of my first days back and she seemed very happy and enthusiastic to see me again. So we decide to meet up. Both of us are busy so we could only meet up about 1.5 week later. Everything is just fine and dandy we text a bit until suddenly after a few days complete radio silence. I sent her a few more messages mainly to know if we were still on for the date because I dont have a lot of off time and I don't want to waste it on a no-show. Finally, the day before the date she responds (I decided to just call her). She tells me that she can't meet up because her friend is pregnant or w/e. Fine, might be true, but to me it sounds like a lame ass way of telling me she's had a change of heart. So I more or less say that I bet she's "gonna be busy for the foreseeable future". But then she says that if I'm to busy to meet her next week she can come visit me at work. So now I'm kinda thinking that although shes a pretty awesome girl it's not really worth the effort because apparently just meeting her once is already such a daunting task it would probably only get more and more frustrating down the road. What do you guys think? You come off as needy (multiple unanswered messages into calling her) and are acting childish (So I more or less say that I bet she's "gonna be busy for the foreseeable future"). Since despite all that she still wants to meet you she apparently is into you but you're trying really hard to screw it up. Hell, after she offers to visit you to make up for her not having time you start being depressed about your own schedule. If you want things to continue with her (or a potential next girl) stop being such a debbie downer.
On your first point, obviously sending multiple messages seems needy, but when can you send a second message if they, for example, stopped responding mid conversation? A couple days later? What kind of message would you send?
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On May 16 2014 05:02 B.I.G. wrote:
Hey JoeCool sounds like you got a classic case of feminine indecisiveness. I usually think it's very easy to find out if a person wants to hang out with you or not: you ask and either they accept or propose a different date or it's a no imo. I never felt like playing along with a woman's games (intentional or not) is benificial so if I were you I would probably try to distance myself from her a bit and let her know (subtly) that you don't play no games.
That´s what I did over the past week, went out with friends, had lots of stuff to do and so on. On thursday she texted me and I quote:
"Unbelievable... I´m thinking of you every day. How are you?"
I wrote back (the following morning, since I was @cinema) that I´m perfectly all right and was out last night.
And like already explained in my previous post, she was also @ work today. I still believe that she´s into me but like you said, indecisiveness. And as long as she does not know what she wants ... I will treat her like one of my colleagues, and wont propose another date.
"Fun Fact" our apprentice(?) showed me a picture of her in lingerie. That was... surprising.
The picture is about 3-4 months old and was - with a high probability - published by her ex-bf.
Anyways=> Cool, calm and collected. Feels good 
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United States43725 Posts
Looking at pictures of people that they did not consent to be shared/looked at is really invasive and creepy and if I were her and knew you did it I'd be very pissed at you.
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On May 18 2014 10:27 KwarK wrote:
Looking at pictures of people that they did not consent to be shared/looked at is really invasive and creepy and if I were her and knew you did it I'd be very pissed at you.
ya id probably deny you ever saw that if she ever asks tbh.
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I don't if its the right thread, but I feel like I need some help.
TL:DR
Doing 1 yr abroad in canada
Been with gf 5 months, originally wanted to travel on.
We get into fight because I fucked up, she leaves me.
I continue my trip to california, she keeps contact with me and 3 weeks after i come back to canada for her.
Moved together into new place.
Got lot of minor problems because of new situation.
Last weekend went out with friends, did drugs ( which she hates).
Too afraid to tell her the truth, because of risk that she will be leaving me.
4 Days after she tells me she would be ok when I do drugs when she is not around.
Today she found out about last weekend and that I lied to her about that, and wants to break up with me.
What to do? Feeling so guilty. Now I see it was way worse to hide it than actually telling her.
Can you give me any ideas how to explain to her that it was a emergency lie and never wanted to destroy the trust between us.
Thank you
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On May 18 2014 11:50 cKoL wrote:
I don't if its the right thread, but I feel like I need some help.
TL:DR
Doing 1 yr abroad in canada
Been with gf 5 months, originally wanted to travel on.
We get into fight because I fucked up, she leaves me.
I continue my trip to california, she keeps contact with me and 3 weeks after i come back to canada for her.
Moved together into new place.
Got lot of minor problems because of new situation.
Last weekend went out with friends, did drugs ( which she hates).
Too afraid to tell her the truth, because of risk that she will be leaving me.
4 Days after she tells me she would be ok when I do drugs when she is not around.
Today she found out about last weekend and that I lied to her about that, and wants to break up with me.
What to do? Feeling so guilty. Now I see it was way worse to hide it than actually telling her.
Can you give me any ideas how to explain to her that it was a emergency lie and never wanted to destroy the trust between us.
Thank you
tell her it wont happen again you lying to her about anything then actually dont lie to her about anything
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On May 18 2014 11:51 arb wrote:Show nested quote +On May 18 2014 11:50 cKoL wrote:
I don't if its the right thread, but I feel like I need some help.
TL:DR
Doing 1 yr abroad in canada
Been with gf 5 months, originally wanted to travel on.
We get into fight because I fucked up, she leaves me.
I continue my trip to california, she keeps contact with me and 3 weeks after i come back to canada for her.
Moved together into new place.
Got lot of minor problems because of new situation.
Last weekend went out with friends, did drugs ( which she hates).
Too afraid to tell her the truth, because of risk that she will be leaving me.
4 Days after she tells me she would be ok when I do drugs when she is not around.
Today she found out about last weekend and that I lied to her about that, and wants to break up with me.
What to do? Feeling so guilty. Now I see it was way worse to hide it than actually telling her.
Can you give me any ideas how to explain to her that it was a emergency lie and never wanted to destroy the trust between us.
Thank you tell her it wont happen again you lying to her about anything then actually dont lie to her about anything
I mean ya there's not much else you can do other than say it won't happen again. But you've broken that trust and it's going to take awhile if you ever want to get it back. Up to her whether she wants to forgive you or not really sadly.
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On May 18 2014 09:20 Najda wrote:Show nested quote +On May 17 2014 18:46 r.Evo wrote:On May 17 2014 15:28 B.I.G. wrote:
It seems that women will never cease to leave me wondering. Now I like to believe that over the years I've learned a thing or two, like being able to tell if a woman is interested in me in a romantic way or a friendly way or maybe just not interested at all and just being polite. Important signs to me are things like responsiveness, body language, and whether or not the other person is proactive in setting a date to meet up (for example she is busy but suggests a later date that does fit her schedule).
Now I've just moved back to the town I lived at for some time about a year ago. At that time I knew a girl there who (imo) made it very clear that she was interested in me, yet nothing ever happened mostly due to both of us being busy and me not really wanting to date someone who works at the same company as me. When I left she told me that she would never change her phone number so I should call her if I ever would come back.
Now that I have come back a year later she works at a different company so there are no more barriers for me. I visited her at her work one of my first days back and she seemed very happy and enthusiastic to see me again. So we decide to meet up. Both of us are busy so we could only meet up about 1.5 week later. Everything is just fine and dandy we text a bit until suddenly after a few days complete radio silence. I sent her a few more messages mainly to know if we were still on for the date because I dont have a lot of off time and I don't want to waste it on a no-show. Finally, the day before the date she responds (I decided to just call her). She tells me that she can't meet up because her friend is pregnant or w/e. Fine, might be true, but to me it sounds like a lame ass way of telling me she's had a change of heart. So I more or less say that I bet she's "gonna be busy for the foreseeable future". But then she says that if I'm to busy to meet her next week she can come visit me at work. So now I'm kinda thinking that although shes a pretty awesome girl it's not really worth the effort because apparently just meeting her once is already such a daunting task it would probably only get more and more frustrating down the road. What do you guys think? You come off as needy (multiple unanswered messages into calling her) and are acting childish (So I more or less say that I bet she's "gonna be busy for the foreseeable future"). Since despite all that she still wants to meet you she apparently is into you but you're trying really hard to screw it up. Hell, after she offers to visit you to make up for her not having time you start being depressed about your own schedule. If you want things to continue with her (or a potential next girl) stop being such a debbie downer. On your first point, obviously sending multiple messages seems needy, but when can you send a second message if they, for example, stopped responding mid conversation? A couple days later? What kind of message would you send?
Good question.
In a nutshell what this whole deal is about is investment. If one side invests a lot more than the other it ends up looking needy which in return is - to most people - super unattractive. Since on the other hand we obviously want more than just a couple of texts back and forth we now have to figure out how to invest into the relationship in a way that makes her want to invest into it as well.
Personally what works for me really well is treating things that seem weird or out of place as a shittest (also "frametest") that tries to figure out if I'm congruent until proven otherwise. Let's say we meet a girl, have fun chatting, she seems attracted and comfortable, we exchange numbers and a couple of days later in the middle of texting she doesn't reply anymore. For the sake of the argument let's assume we also haven't written anything utterly out of line.
In such a scenario I'd just let it rest at first. To me (since I'm confident she's into me and that I have done nothing to change that, on the contrary she's probably more into me now than before) she simply had something to do that had higher priority but has nothing to do with me. In practice this means not worrying about it, doing whatever I want to do and then 2-3 days later call her without bringing it up. As long as I don't act like she rejected me and now has to justify herself for that by not answering my text for 2 days (which she didn't) it won't be a big deal. As a sidenote I prefer calling over texting after the latter didn't get an answer by a big margin. In general avoiding texts is prolly a good suggestion for most people.
If it starts looking like a pattern and she does that kind of stuff more than once or twice (and it annoys you) then by all means bring it up. But now you're coming from a position that says "Hey, I assumed the very best of you but this seems to be something you just... do. I don't like that. Mind dropping it?" after already establishing a stronger bond instead of one that says "Hey, we don't know anything about each other but here are the rules for our future communication via text:" - it's just much less passive aggressive and confrontational.
I guess it comes down to being outcome independent as usual. To get there naturally people usually need lots of experience and a certain balance between "I don't know you so I don't care much about you" and "I don't know you so I'd like to get to know you".
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^I would simply say "Hey, you still there?" and leave it like that. If she doesn't answer back in 30 minutes, I'll send back "If you don't respond back in 30, then I'm calling the cops."
They'll respond back. And then continue w/ the conversation. The line of being needy and being a smooth talker is just being reasonable.
She is not talking to me abruptly.
What could've have happen that made her stop?
Was it something that I've said?
No.
Is she extremely sick?
Didn't sound like it with the way she have been talking to me.
Is she busy with her work?
Nah or else she wouldn't have began this convo.
Could something interrupted her?
Well I'll just wait the necessarily amount of time to make sure that she deals with the urgency first.
And then after a long ass time of not responding, then she might have gotten in serious trouble, call the cops.
Everytime you do something, think to yourself this "What is my intention with this? Will a smart person would do this? If I do this, would I look stupid? Well not sure about it....but can I pull it off for the effect I want?"
Its not exactly difficult dealing with girls.
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On May 18 2014 10:27 KwarK wrote:
Looking at pictures of people that they did not consent to be shared/looked at is really invasive and creepy and if I were her and knew you did it I'd be very pissed at you.
I quite agree!
Just to clarify I never asked for this pic, didn´t even know it existed. I took him home with my car and suddenly he said sth like: "Hey, wanna see sth cool?"
Me: "Sure"
... and well, I did not see that one coming.
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On May 17 2014 11:08 NewSunshine wrote:Show nested quote +On May 17 2014 10:45 arb wrote:On May 17 2014 09:38 WarSame wrote:
She's probably not going to hang out with you on Sunday, or maybe ever again. Best thing to do would be leave Sunday up to her, try to set something else up and then if that fails forget about it. She probably wasn't that interested in you initially. I am ok with that tbh, if you arent interested and just want to have sex then really just say so and spare me the bullshit which really annoys me with people any fucking way. I was yes like you said going to hope that works, and if not maybe set up another day and if that doesnt work just cut my losses and figure i enjoyed myself anyways. I've been there, that stuff's annoying as all hell. If you're gonna bring this shit up and try setting up a date or w/e, and then come up with an excuse because you're not really interested, how about not do that to begin with? It's just a whatever for me, so I dunno what all the machination is for.
Update to this, she calls me to come over and i get there and she is wrecked drunk like cant even stand, think this is awkward. but her friend tells me she said a bunch of nice things about me so i feel ok with this.
asks later what time i plan on leaving, tell her anytime is ok, she tries to get me to bang her, im lke nope youre too drunk for this want no part of it(plus already did it so meh) tell her friend ill just go home and tell her to text me when she is alive/sober and she is like ok.
i think things are going kinda well. We was supposed to hang out tomorrow anyways(or today whatever timezones zzz)
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EPT
