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some facts:
- we've been going out for around 2 years, 3 months. we broke up last year in December and were broken up for 6 months, got back together in June, everything seems to have been going fine.
- I live in San Diego, she lives in Pennsylvania (we see each other about once every two months when we're both in school)
- I don't drink
So...
One of the really cool things about my gf that I really liked when we first started going out is that she was not a fan of drinking, she got drunk once in our first 1.5 years, had a hangover and felt so shitty she pretty much didn't drink again after that. After we got back together I discovered that she had become a fan of drinking. I don't drink (as I said above), and I don't necessarily have anything against people who do, because "everyone" does it, etc, but coming from someone who was really against drinking (which I really liked) who became someone who was now a fan of drinking bothered me. I voiced my concern to her and she said how when she was in a relationship she was totally different, etc etc, and wouldn't really do that stuff.
Fastforward, I know she's been drinking from time to time while at school, I can probably count about 3-4 times she's gotten drunk to some degree (not really crazy drunk, but enough to have a bit of a hangover I guess?) which definitely has bothered me some, anyways. I went to visit her this past weekend, and on Monday she was in class and I was waiting in her car because we had to go to the airport right after so I could fly back home, and I saw that she left her phone there. Me being curious I thought to myself "hey let's check out her text messages!"
Lo and behold, I see two texts from some guy, and then a string of text messages between her and her best friend talking about something that led me to believe that she might have cheated on me with this guy. It wasn't anything explicitly that said she cheated on me, but set off some big warning signs. I then thought back to the past few weeks and realized I recognized the name... this was a friend of hers who she had went to hang out with two weeks prior.
I thought back to that night (another side note, I have a very very good memory) and remembered that the next day she had told me that she had had a little to drink and was taking the bus back to her car to then drive home.
So I remembered that, and I began to think (on the flight home), she probably got drunk and cheated on me with this guy and felt really shitty about it and tried to cover it up and pretend it didn't happen. But then I thought some more and I remembered that on that night I had texted her around 3 am (her time) and she had told me she was going to be on her way home. So then I figured, maybe she didn't cheat on me and it might have been something else.
So fastforward again to today when I decided to bring this up to her, since she had exams all week I didn't want to stress her out. So I asked her who this guy was and she said "oh he's just this friend from school who I hung out with a few weeks ago, remember?" and so I asked her something along the lines of "do you have anything to say about this" or something, and I told her about what I found in her phone. And then she told me the story - she apparently went to hang out with him, got really drunk, and slept over at his house (in his room, apparently). She insists that nothing happened, although he might have tried something?
So I take from this: 1) she had lied to me that night about going home, 2) she didn't tell me she had gotten drunk, 3) she never mentioned that something like that had happened and apparently was just intending on pretending it didn't happen.
So I'm very upset for various reasons, mainly because I'm a firm believer in honesty, telling the truth is 3434589374897% the most most important thing to me, and she lied to me... and the fact that she got drunk and led her into a situation where she may have cheated on me (even though she says she didn't, and I'm REALLY inclined to believe her but I still have some doubts). Some of the text messages from her friend lead me to maybe not believe what she's telling me.
I feel like maybe I am being a bit unreasonable to want to break up with her because of this, I mean drinking is a really common thing and whatnot, so maybe I'm just being too weird about it but I REALLY am not comfortable with that, especially being 3000 miles away makes things a bit difficult to imagine (sitting at home and knowing she's out drinking is a bit disconcerting), although I know she rarely goes overboard with drinking. And the fact that when we were talking she had told me that she never tells me when she drinks because she knows I don't like it and doesn't want to upset me... which just bugs me even more because she's being dishonest.
I dunno, am I being weird in wanting to break up with her because of something like this? She doesn't see it as a huge deal, but I do... I feel like she's betrayed my trust by lying to me and is really defensive about drinking (which I would NEVER ask her to stop drinking for me, but it's just something I don't think I can accept)... ? O_O!
gimme some feedback because I'm sort of in limbo.
 
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If you only see her once every two months just to see her for the summer/winter break, its not much of a relationship.
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Austin10831 Posts
If you don't mind me asking, what's your main problem with drinking?
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LDR + no trust = not that good
but i think you know whats the correct course of action although it doesnt hurt to talk about it
im not advocating break up i just think you already know what u intend to do
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let her have some fun jesus
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On November 08 2008 18:44 BroOd wrote:
If you don't mind me asking, what's your main problem with drinking?
I don't really have a problem with it per se, I just don't drink and from a relationship standpoint I would prefer if the person I am with doesn't drink either. I don't mind people drinking, all my friends drink for example and I don't mind. What bothers me is my gf getting drunk 3000 miles away and I have no idea what's going on - like I don't really mind if shes at a party and has some sips of a drink or something to be social, but getting drunk just doesn't make me feel comfortable.
I guess the real problem is that she told me she wouldn't really be this way, and on average she's gotten drunk about once a week (which is a lot considering in our first 2 years she only got drunk once total), and the fact that she doesn't tell me when she drinks .
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On November 08 2008 18:40 Dknight wrote:
If you only see her once every two months just to see her for the summer/winter break, its not much of a relationship.
I see her once every two months, we talk for about 3 hours a day on the phone, and write letters and stuff, plus I see her during christmas and summer, so it's actually not too bad.
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On November 08 2008 18:49 yubee wrote:
let her have some fun jesus
I can say from experience that I can have tons of fun without drinking a drop, and I can have fun even with other people who are drinking (and I'm not) as well.
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if she wont tell you, there is no way for you to know. absolutely none. so, comes down to several things that are important to you. Since you said being truthful is 18234897123497124% important to you, im assuming thats you're first priority in a relationship. The thing is, even if you break up with her and give the reason as her lying, she will deny it because she was "drunk" and wanted to go home, but ended up there anyway. So if you are planning to break up with her or leaning towards that, i say give her 1 more strike n shes out.
one thing though, did you suspect that she was in his room because the text msg said so? or did she come out n tell you that she was sleeping in his room? Now if the text msgs are flirtatiously gay crap from the guy, they didn't do it: hes making his move on your gf now and you should go n kick his fucking ass. if its along the lines of yeah, that nite was great, thanks, or how are u feeling this morning or some shit like that. most likely she lied and did cheat on you. so if she DID come out n tell you that she slept in his room without u knowing it in the first place, your safest bet is nothing happened.
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break up with her and go for someone closer
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If you can't accept a lie like this then you will be extremely hard to find a woman you can trust, mostly you will just find women who are better at lying.
So I'd say that you should tell her that you are not angry because she slept at that guys place (It was probably very convenient for her and maybe she did not intend anything from the start, you can't know with this little info), but because she tried to hide it from you.
Of course if you get suspicious a few more times its another thing, but breaking up from a single occurrence which might just be that she is afraid on how you would tackle her sleeping over at a friends place? If you tell her that you are ok with that then she will be more at ease telling you the truth the next time etc, but if you get suspicious too often about her male friends then break up or you/her will deeply hurt both of you.
Edit: It is also possible that you two have grown so apart and that she is probably also thinking about breaking up due to that, but that none of you have taken the first step yet.
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Kentor
United States5784 Posts
I'd just break up with her; that's what i'd do. Long distance + drinking is bad.
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just get out now. this situation can only get worse.
I wouldn't be surprised if she fucked him. Sorry to say it. She is in college, and college girls wanna get fucked, and where are you? 3000 miles away. Ask yourself this: why wouldn't she crash at a female friend's house?
Meet someone local for your own sake.
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Let her get some experience. How else do you get a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed?
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You're going crazy because it's a distance relationship. As far as I am concerned she did nothing wrong so far, maybe was a little dishonest. Trust is what you need and what you have her to feel. Not trusting is what will break your realtionship faster than might imagine. At least thats how I see it.
Hope you do it.
And stop checking her freaking phone creep!
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You should just break the relationship. It's probably not worth making this into something bigger than it already is. You must have a great deal of respect for her about many things, and I think you would be respecting yourself and her by letting it go.
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On November 08 2008 19:18 HooHa! wrote:
You should just break the relationship. It's probably not worth making this into something bigger than it already is. You must have a great deal of respect for her about many things, and I think you would be respecting yourself and her by letting it go.
Honestly she should break up with you because you were snooping her phone. That's just fucked up. The only reason she hasn't is probably because she feels guilty cheating on you all the time. Why do people stay in long distance relationships anyways? I think she doesn't have the heart to break it off. I hope I'm wrong though man.
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Girls flip flop so easily its just ridiculous... i knew a girl who was apparently totally against drinking and smoking weed and all that... as in like... would freak out at others and get mad at them for doing it.... now she does both pretty regularly and even occasionally does shrooms... they just want to fit in with their friends / etc so they'll just do what they do 
And there's no way you can let her sleeping in some guys room slide... even if u don't think she cheated it's still ridiculous she did that in the first place... i don't think it's something to break up over though... just something to hold onto and keep reminding her of to make her feel bad
i was in the same kind of situation... we ended up "breaking up with" but whenever we visit each other we still "do shit" together it honestly doesnt feel any different from when we were together... but there's no more shitty relationship stress
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This exact same thing happened to me. After we broke up for good. She admitted to me, that she actually did cheat on me. My paranoia was right.
But in all honesty I cheated on her too, multiple times rofl
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She's a total slut.
Ditch her and find a proper woman.
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EPT
