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On November 08 2008 20:08 Daigomi wrote:
I dunno, I think the fact that she doesn't see it as a big deal that she got drunk and stayed over at another guy's house and then lied about it to you should be worrying. Yes, a small lie here or there isn't a big deal, but the fact that she felt the need to lie about what happened that night means that she knew she was doing something you wouldn't approve of, and then that she lied about it to you means that she doesn't trust you. Like, if I was in a similar situation I would message my gf and say "sorry, a bit drunk, going to sleep over at a friend's house, don't worry". She would know that she could trust me because I am being honest with her, while I would show that I trust that she won't dump me by telling her about it. In general, I think it's a very bad thing if your partner starts doing stuff she doesn't want to tell you about, and even worse if she lies about it.
Obviously I have no idea what you relationship is like, so there's no way I'd advise breaking up. But I would suggest you have a serious discussion with her in which you raise your concerns, and then depending on what she says, you decide where to go with the relationship.
this definately, relationships are supposed to be built on honesty and trust, but if she has to lie to you about alot of things then obviously she is hiding something she don't want you to know. I think you should talk it over with her and ask her why she lied and everything.
+ Show Spoiler +Tell her your gonna go spend the night at a very close friend of yours [female] and see how she likes it when its done to her o.O? then if she does give a care, shell understand what it means to you
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distance has nothing to do with anything... im 6000 miles from my fiance, in the military.. and i feel closer then ever
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You're not weird at all for thinking like this. Being in long-distance relationships is tough and honesty - total, absolute - is what keeps them going.
My fiance (if you've read my previous blog) lives in Berlin, Germany and I live in California. We're thousands and thousands of miles apart. I drink and she drinks as well, but we have always had the conversation of what was acceptable - and this would be something that is not, regardless of how drunk one is.
First, your girlfriend didn't have the forethought to think "just how drunk am I going to get here?" and then "should I stay the night at this guy's house?" and last "would it be okay if my boyfriend did it?" This line of thinking should be the central tenet of a relationship because when it comes down to judgment, all you have to do is ask yourself whether or not the other person would feel upset/insecure/hurt about it.
I just know that if my fiance 1) lied to me about drinking, then 2) lied to about "going home that night," (which infers that she KNEW her staying at this guy's house was wrong and would upset you)," and then 3) had the audacity to stay at his house nevertheless - well man, that's just way too many wrongs to count.
In a long-distance relationship this kind of inconsideration is not what you need. Go out and find someone who is really going to be considerate of your feelings.
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I was in a long distance relationship before myself, and from my personal experience they don't work out very well.
I'd say break up with her and find someone closer. Especially since she lied to you. In LDRs, trust and honesty are the most important things. If she lied to you, then you can't really trust her 100%, and in that case there isn't any point in staying.
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Well, if your girlfriend wants to drink and have fun, I guess your going to have to either deal with it, or dump her. If you are 3000 miles away, you really cant dictate how she lives, when she goes out etc, that is one of the problems with longdistancerelationships, you live seperate lives. Maybe it just comes down to trust, from what I have read, you really dont like your girlfriend drinking, and I think that might be because you dont trust her when she is drunk and out partying. Most of the lies are probably nothing to worry about, since its mostly to not upset you about the drinking part. As for staying over at a friends house/room it doesnt automaticly means she cheated on you. I have had a girl staying at my room because the last subway had gone, and she had a really far way home. She had a boyfriend, she slept on the extra madrass and it wasnt even remotely close to anything happening. Then again she might be cheating on you and you trust her to much to see it, that is also a possibility.
Think you should talk to her I guess, and take an evaluation on pros and cons in the relationship. Are you moving to the same place in foreseeable future maybe?
Girls are weird, and I dont get them, so dunno
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Why did you break up last time?
I would say that if the reason had anything at all to do with her needing more space, or beeing sad about u leaving for collage or whatever then the risk of her cheating on you now is kind of big.
If you love her staying isn't worth it. If you don't and the prospect of not fucking her scares you then at least break up in your mind. (If it turns out u were wrong and she didn't cheat this option makes you a total ashole though.)
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United States17042 Posts
It's a slippery slope for trustworthyness, especially when both of you guys are so far apart. You're not crazy for wanting to break up with her because of it, so just think about if it makes sense for you to stay with her.
Long distance relationships require a lot of trust, so you need to convince yourself again that she's trustworthy before you can move on.
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On November 09 2008 03:30 KlaCkoN wrote:
Why did you break up last time?
I would say that if the reason had anything at all to do with her needing more space, or beeing sad about u leaving for collage or whatever then the risk of her cheating on you now is kind of big.
If you love her staying isn't worth it. If you don't and the prospect of not fucking her scares you then at least break up in your mind. (If it turns out u were wrong and she didn't cheat this option makes you a total ashole though.)
broke up the first time because her parents HATE the fuck out of me because I'm a) not rich and b) not Chinese and they were putting a lot of stress on her and I was getting stressed and depressed over it, and we weren't communicating, etc.
we got back together and talked these things over and IMO everything's been going really well since June until this point. O_O!
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Look at it from a mans point of view. Would her male friend who was probably also intoxicated at the time be civil enough to not flirt? I have been in numerous situations, and have also seen many situations where drunk men are constantly flirting with someone, even if they know its wrong. So you need to know that if she was drunk and slept over at his house...in his room no less, that something had to have happened. I just find it very very hard to believe that a drunk man wouldnt be flirting and hitting on his drunk friend who is sleeping over in his room. For most guys, thats a guaranteed sign to try and get some play out of it.
So, your 2 situations are, he flirted with her, in hopes to have sex, and she being drunk agreed, and spent the night. OR he flirted with her in hopes to get sex, and she turned him down, yet still spent the night. The 2nd choice just doesn't seem to add up. In most cases if a girl was being put into an uncomfortable situation, she would more than likely leave...thus making me think that the situation was NOT uncomfortable for her, and she stayed. The 1 thing I can almost 100% count on though, is that he did probably try to come onto her, and if she was not uncomfortable enough to leave, then perhaps something came about it.
All of this probably seems like a guess in the dark, but seriously I have probably seen over a hundred examples of this exact thing (men getting drunk and hitting on / flirting with whatever girl was available at the time). Combine that with her sleeping over, and you got alot of things to ponder lol
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On November 08 2008 19:00 yubee wrote:
break up with her and go for someone closer
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iNcontroL
USA29055 Posts
On November 09 2008 04:03 {CC}StealthBlue wrote:Show nested quote +On November 08 2008 19:00 yubee wrote:
get her up closer and go break someone with
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On November 09 2008 03:37 Xeris wrote:Show nested quote +On November 09 2008 03:30 KlaCkoN wrote:
Why did you break up last time?
I would say that if the reason had anything at all to do with her needing more space, or beeing sad about u leaving for collage or whatever then the risk of her cheating on you now is kind of big.
If you love her staying isn't worth it. If you don't and the prospect of not fucking her scares you then at least break up in your mind. (If it turns out u were wrong and she didn't cheat this option makes you a total ashole though.) broke up the first time because her parents HATE the fuck out of me because I'm a) not rich and b) not Chinese and they were putting a lot of stress on her and I was getting stressed and depressed over it, and we weren't communicating, etc. we got back together and talked these things over and IMO everything's been going really well since June until this point. O_O!
Well that makes it much less clear imo ><.
No idea, go with your gut feeling, you will probably be right.
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I already answered this, but some answers to the responses:
He overplayed the drinking thing because it's one of his doubts about the relationship to begin with. He kind of wants to break up over her becoming this totally different person.
Also no one seems to realize how natural it is for a woman to lead multiple separate lives. She could have a BF in every city and not think twice about it. Also what do you think she likes drinking for, to stand around and go whoo with some loud music on? There's got to be some sexual tension there, and you're 3000 miles away.
Still I think you're "a creep" (as the bitches call it) for going on her phone. I'm sure that's what she's thinking and bitching about to her friends. If she completely internalizes the fact that you went on the phone, then she's already just playing you and guilty and so you can ride it out if you like, but get some more GF's and just extract value. Nothing changes your phoney relationship, unless you put your faith in the reality of honesty first. It's like, if you want to believe in Obama yes you can. If you think reality comes first, you don't get to be so inspired. It's your choice, and I think you are already trying to find a reason to break up with your LDR. I think it's just hugely mistaken. Don't fuck around under the hood unless you're a mechanic, just drive the damn car.
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On November 08 2008 19:23 Suggestion Box wrote:Show nested quote +On November 08 2008 19:18 HooHa! wrote:
You should just break the relationship. It's probably not worth making this into something bigger than it already is. You must have a great deal of respect for her about many things, and I think you would be respecting yourself and her by letting it go. Honestly she should break up with you because you were snooping her phone. That's just fucked up. The only reason she hasn't is probably because she feels guilty cheating on you all the time. Why do people stay in long distance relationships anyways? I think she doesn't have the heart to break it off. I hope I'm wrong though man.
Why'd you have to quote ME man!? Its like you came down on me and said I was snooping on her phone! I don't know the guy! Eff!
haha!
Either way, this guy needs to get a new girl. And she probably needs a new guy. Though who are we to say this?
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
long distance getting drunk and fucking other guys
dump
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On November 09 2008 01:29 FrozenArbiter wrote:Show nested quote +And there's no way you can let her sleeping in some guys room slide... even if u don't think she cheated it's still ridiculous she did that in the first place... i don't think it's something to break up over though... just something to hold onto and keep reminding her of to make her feel bad Umm what?
leverage  she did something stupid... now you can 
i was half joking btw... i'm just saying I personally wouldn't end things over that... what if she is "the one" and is actually completely amazing but just made this small mistake. If you just talk to her and she actually realizes how it is from your point of view she probably won't do anything like that anymore. People have different opinions on different things so she could have thought what she was doing was completely not a big deal and didn't merit any kind of mention.
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On November 09 2008 02:44 Fallen33 wrote:
distance has nothing to do with anything... im 6000 miles from my fiance, in the military.. and i feel closer then ever
You are almost married, he is not. Distance is often what ends these kind of relationships.
On November 09 2008 03:37 Xeris wrote:
broke up the first time because her parents HATE the fuck out of me because I'm a) not rich and b) not Chinese and they were putting a lot of stress on her and I was getting stressed and depressed over it, and we weren't communicating, etc.
we got back together and talked these things over and IMO everything's been going really well since June until this point. O_O!
Who broke off with who first? Can it be you are more into her than she is into you? I don't like her original excuse to breakup. Something doesn't feel right...
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On November 08 2008 20:19 Zuries wrote:Show nested quote +On November 08 2008 18:54 Xeris wrote:On November 08 2008 18:49 yubee wrote:
let her have some fun jesus I can say from experience that I can have tons of fun without drinking a drop, and I can have fun even with other people who are drinking (and I'm not) as well. oh........... your one of those
For some thats actually true. However those are far from the same people who remind others that drinking is bad all the time and thinks that it is of any importance that they do not drink.
In other words, it works as long as you do not care if others drink or not.
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Man with a story like that the chances of her cheating is like 90%.
You're probably better off without her.
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On November 09 2008 02:46 Rayzorblade wrote:
You're not weird at all for thinking like this. Being in long-distance relationships is tough and honesty - total, absolute - is what keeps them going.
My fiance (if you've read my previous blog) lives in Berlin, Germany and I live in California. We're thousands and thousands of miles apart. I drink and she drinks as well, but we have always had the conversation of what was acceptable - and this would be something that is not, regardless of how drunk one is.
First, your girlfriend didn't have the forethought to think "just how drunk am I going to get here?" and then "should I stay the night at this guy's house?" and last "would it be okay if my boyfriend did it?" This line of thinking should be the central tenet of a relationship because when it comes down to judgment, all you have to do is ask yourself whether or not the other person would feel upset/insecure/hurt about it.
I just know that if my fiance 1) lied to me about drinking, then 2) lied to about "going home that night," (which infers that she KNEW her staying at this guy's house was wrong and would upset you)," and then 3) had the audacity to stay at his house nevertheless - well man, that's just way too many wrongs to count.
In a long-distance relationship this kind of inconsideration is not what you need. Go out and find someone who is really going to be considerate of your feelings.
this.
im in a long distance relationship too and if it's going to work out, then you need 100% absolute trust in each other
obviously, you dont have that trust anymore (for good reason)
and so either you need to confront her if you really want this relationship
or just bail
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EPT
