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some facts:
- we've been going out for around 2 years, 3 months. we broke up last year in December and were broken up for 6 months, got back together in June, everything seems to have been going fine.
- I live in San Diego, she lives in Pennsylvania (we see each other about once every two months when we're both in school)
- I don't drink
So...
One of the really cool things about my gf that I really liked when we first started going out is that she was not a fan of drinking, she got drunk once in our first 1.5 years, had a hangover and felt so shitty she pretty much didn't drink again after that. After we got back together I discovered that she had become a fan of drinking. I don't drink (as I said above), and I don't necessarily have anything against people who do, because "everyone" does it, etc, but coming from someone who was really against drinking (which I really liked) who became someone who was now a fan of drinking bothered me. I voiced my concern to her and she said how when she was in a relationship she was totally different, etc etc, and wouldn't really do that stuff.
Fastforward, I know she's been drinking from time to time while at school, I can probably count about 3-4 times she's gotten drunk to some degree (not really crazy drunk, but enough to have a bit of a hangover I guess?) which definitely has bothered me some, anyways. I went to visit her this past weekend, and on Monday she was in class and I was waiting in her car because we had to go to the airport right after so I could fly back home, and I saw that she left her phone there. Me being curious I thought to myself "hey let's check out her text messages!"
Lo and behold, I see two texts from some guy, and then a string of text messages between her and her best friend talking about something that led me to believe that she might have cheated on me with this guy. It wasn't anything explicitly that said she cheated on me, but set off some big warning signs. I then thought back to the past few weeks and realized I recognized the name... this was a friend of hers who she had went to hang out with two weeks prior.
I thought back to that night (another side note, I have a very very good memory) and remembered that the next day she had told me that she had had a little to drink and was taking the bus back to her car to then drive home.
So I remembered that, and I began to think (on the flight home), she probably got drunk and cheated on me with this guy and felt really shitty about it and tried to cover it up and pretend it didn't happen. But then I thought some more and I remembered that on that night I had texted her around 3 am (her time) and she had told me she was going to be on her way home. So then I figured, maybe she didn't cheat on me and it might have been something else.
So fastforward again to today when I decided to bring this up to her, since she had exams all week I didn't want to stress her out. So I asked her who this guy was and she said "oh he's just this friend from school who I hung out with a few weeks ago, remember?" and so I asked her something along the lines of "do you have anything to say about this" or something, and I told her about what I found in her phone. And then she told me the story - she apparently went to hang out with him, got really drunk, and slept over at his house (in his room, apparently). She insists that nothing happened, although he might have tried something?
So I take from this: 1) she had lied to me that night about going home, 2) she didn't tell me she had gotten drunk, 3) she never mentioned that something like that had happened and apparently was just intending on pretending it didn't happen.
So I'm very upset for various reasons, mainly because I'm a firm believer in honesty, telling the truth is 3434589374897% the most most important thing to me, and she lied to me... and the fact that she got drunk and led her into a situation where she may have cheated on me (even though she says she didn't, and I'm REALLY inclined to believe her but I still have some doubts). Some of the text messages from her friend lead me to maybe not believe what she's telling me.
I feel like maybe I am being a bit unreasonable to want to break up with her because of this, I mean drinking is a really common thing and whatnot, so maybe I'm just being too weird about it but I REALLY am not comfortable with that, especially being 3000 miles away makes things a bit difficult to imagine (sitting at home and knowing she's out drinking is a bit disconcerting), although I know she rarely goes overboard with drinking. And the fact that when we were talking she had told me that she never tells me when she drinks because she knows I don't like it and doesn't want to upset me... which just bugs me even more because she's being dishonest.
I dunno, am I being weird in wanting to break up with her because of something like this? She doesn't see it as a huge deal, but I do... I feel like she's betrayed my trust by lying to me and is really defensive about drinking (which I would NEVER ask her to stop drinking for me, but it's just something I don't think I can accept)... ? O_O!
gimme some feedback because I'm sort of in limbo.
 
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If you only see her once every two months just to see her for the summer/winter break, its not much of a relationship.
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Austin10831 Posts
If you don't mind me asking, what's your main problem with drinking?
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LDR + no trust = not that good
but i think you know whats the correct course of action although it doesnt hurt to talk about it
im not advocating break up i just think you already know what u intend to do
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let her have some fun jesus
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On November 08 2008 18:44 BroOd wrote:
If you don't mind me asking, what's your main problem with drinking?
I don't really have a problem with it per se, I just don't drink and from a relationship standpoint I would prefer if the person I am with doesn't drink either. I don't mind people drinking, all my friends drink for example and I don't mind. What bothers me is my gf getting drunk 3000 miles away and I have no idea what's going on - like I don't really mind if shes at a party and has some sips of a drink or something to be social, but getting drunk just doesn't make me feel comfortable.
I guess the real problem is that she told me she wouldn't really be this way, and on average she's gotten drunk about once a week (which is a lot considering in our first 2 years she only got drunk once total), and the fact that she doesn't tell me when she drinks .
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On November 08 2008 18:40 Dknight wrote:
If you only see her once every two months just to see her for the summer/winter break, its not much of a relationship.
I see her once every two months, we talk for about 3 hours a day on the phone, and write letters and stuff, plus I see her during christmas and summer, so it's actually not too bad.
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On November 08 2008 18:49 yubee wrote:
let her have some fun jesus
I can say from experience that I can have tons of fun without drinking a drop, and I can have fun even with other people who are drinking (and I'm not) as well.
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if she wont tell you, there is no way for you to know. absolutely none. so, comes down to several things that are important to you. Since you said being truthful is 18234897123497124% important to you, im assuming thats you're first priority in a relationship. The thing is, even if you break up with her and give the reason as her lying, she will deny it because she was "drunk" and wanted to go home, but ended up there anyway. So if you are planning to break up with her or leaning towards that, i say give her 1 more strike n shes out.
one thing though, did you suspect that she was in his room because the text msg said so? or did she come out n tell you that she was sleeping in his room? Now if the text msgs are flirtatiously gay crap from the guy, they didn't do it: hes making his move on your gf now and you should go n kick his fucking ass. if its along the lines of yeah, that nite was great, thanks, or how are u feeling this morning or some shit like that. most likely she lied and did cheat on you. so if she DID come out n tell you that she slept in his room without u knowing it in the first place, your safest bet is nothing happened.
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break up with her and go for someone closer
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If you can't accept a lie like this then you will be extremely hard to find a woman you can trust, mostly you will just find women who are better at lying.
So I'd say that you should tell her that you are not angry because she slept at that guys place (It was probably very convenient for her and maybe she did not intend anything from the start, you can't know with this little info), but because she tried to hide it from you.
Of course if you get suspicious a few more times its another thing, but breaking up from a single occurrence which might just be that she is afraid on how you would tackle her sleeping over at a friends place? If you tell her that you are ok with that then she will be more at ease telling you the truth the next time etc, but if you get suspicious too often about her male friends then break up or you/her will deeply hurt both of you.
Edit: It is also possible that you two have grown so apart and that she is probably also thinking about breaking up due to that, but that none of you have taken the first step yet.
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Kentor
United States5784 Posts
I'd just break up with her; that's what i'd do. Long distance + drinking is bad.
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just get out now. this situation can only get worse.
I wouldn't be surprised if she fucked him. Sorry to say it. She is in college, and college girls wanna get fucked, and where are you? 3000 miles away. Ask yourself this: why wouldn't she crash at a female friend's house?
Meet someone local for your own sake.
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Let her get some experience. How else do you get a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed?
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You're going crazy because it's a distance relationship. As far as I am concerned she did nothing wrong so far, maybe was a little dishonest. Trust is what you need and what you have her to feel. Not trusting is what will break your realtionship faster than might imagine. At least thats how I see it.
Hope you do it.
And stop checking her freaking phone creep!
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You should just break the relationship. It's probably not worth making this into something bigger than it already is. You must have a great deal of respect for her about many things, and I think you would be respecting yourself and her by letting it go.
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On November 08 2008 19:18 HooHa! wrote:
You should just break the relationship. It's probably not worth making this into something bigger than it already is. You must have a great deal of respect for her about many things, and I think you would be respecting yourself and her by letting it go.
Honestly she should break up with you because you were snooping her phone. That's just fucked up. The only reason she hasn't is probably because she feels guilty cheating on you all the time. Why do people stay in long distance relationships anyways? I think she doesn't have the heart to break it off. I hope I'm wrong though man.
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Girls flip flop so easily its just ridiculous... i knew a girl who was apparently totally against drinking and smoking weed and all that... as in like... would freak out at others and get mad at them for doing it.... now she does both pretty regularly and even occasionally does shrooms... they just want to fit in with their friends / etc so they'll just do what they do 
And there's no way you can let her sleeping in some guys room slide... even if u don't think she cheated it's still ridiculous she did that in the first place... i don't think it's something to break up over though... just something to hold onto and keep reminding her of to make her feel bad
i was in the same kind of situation... we ended up "breaking up with" but whenever we visit each other we still "do shit" together it honestly doesnt feel any different from when we were together... but there's no more shitty relationship stress
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This exact same thing happened to me. After we broke up for good. She admitted to me, that she actually did cheat on me. My paranoia was right.
But in all honesty I cheated on her too, multiple times rofl
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She's a total slut.
Ditch her and find a proper woman.
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Kentor
United States5784 Posts
Go hit on other girls mang!
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South Africa4316 Posts
I dunno, I think the fact that she doesn't see it as a big deal that she got drunk and stayed over at another guy's house and then lied about it to you should be worrying. Yes, a small lie here or there isn't a big deal, but the fact that she felt the need to lie about what happened that night means that she knew she was doing something you wouldn't approve of, and then that she lied about it to you means that she doesn't trust you. Like, if I was in a similar situation I would message my gf and say "sorry, a bit drunk, going to sleep over at a friend's house, don't worry". She would know that she could trust me because I am being honest with her, while I would show that I trust that she won't dump me by telling her about it. In general, I think it's a very bad thing if your partner starts doing stuff she doesn't want to tell you about, and even worse if she lies about it.
Obviously I have no idea what you relationship is like, so there's no way I'd advise breaking up. But I would suggest you have a serious discussion with her in which you raise your concerns, and then depending on what she says, you decide where to go with the relationship.
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On November 08 2008 19:23 Suggestion Box wrote:Show nested quote +On November 08 2008 19:18 HooHa! wrote:
You should just break the relationship. It's probably not worth making this into something bigger than it already is. You must have a great deal of respect for her about many things, and I think you would be respecting yourself and her by letting it go. Honestly she should break up with you because you were snooping her phone. That's just fucked up. The only reason she hasn't is probably because she feels guilty cheating on you all the time. Why do people stay in long distance relationships anyways? I think she doesn't have the heart to break it off. I hope I'm wrong though man.
what's so wrong about snooping on her phone? I have not done it to my previous GF; but If I ever found out that they were sending text messages to others, dudes, and I'm not aware of, I'd be pretty fucking pissed.
The fact that you said, "she should break up with you", is like, he is the bad one for thinking this way about her. But, wait a minute, who made him think this way in the first place?. HER, for lying to him several times.
Anyways, I don't know, a lot of people have said something really true, which is that this situation can only get worse and worse as time goes on. She has a like for drinking now, and I don't think she will be stopping until she is done with college or w/e. So, I think you should really consider all things right, and make a decision from there. I'm not saying you should break up with her, but I'm not saying you shouldn't.
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United States22883 Posts
On November 08 2008 19:16 gm.tOSS wrote:
You're going crazy because it's a distance relationship. As far as I am concerned she did nothing wrong so far, maybe was a little dishonest. Trust is what you need and what you have her to feel. Not trusting is what will break your realtionship faster than might imagine. At least thats how I see it.
Hope you do it.
And stop checking her freaking phone creep!
^
I don't buy the slippery slope argument for little lies. Maybe with a chronic cheater, but most people that do it only do it once and feel really bad about it. It doesn't sound like she did anything that fishy, if she told you straight up you'd probably get emo about that too and be worried all night.
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On November 08 2008 18:54 Xeris wrote:I can say from experience that I can have tons of fun without drinking a drop, and I can have fun even with other people who are drinking (and I'm not) as well.
oh...........
your one of those
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Tell her how you precisely feel, just like what you've said in the blog. If you are willing to forgive her if she did lied to you, make sure you tell her that, and go from there. I am assuming this is college, this type of stuff happens all the time but there is a limit to what a decent g/f should not do if she gets drunk. If you can't forgive her if she did confess the truth, its obvious what needs to be done, but remember mistakes happen in real relationship.
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Just break up with her. I wouldn't let my girlfriend sleep over another dude's house, and I expect her to feel the same way if I slept over another girls house either. But, she slept in the dudes room? Oh come on now. That's a lot of bullshit.
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United States22883 Posts
On November 08 2008 20:14 funkie wrote:Show nested quote +On November 08 2008 19:23 Suggestion Box wrote:On November 08 2008 19:18 HooHa! wrote:
You should just break the relationship. It's probably not worth making this into something bigger than it already is. You must have a great deal of respect for her about many things, and I think you would be respecting yourself and her by letting it go. Honestly she should break up with you because you were snooping her phone. That's just fucked up. The only reason she hasn't is probably because she feels guilty cheating on you all the time. Why do people stay in long distance relationships anyways? I think she doesn't have the heart to break it off. I hope I'm wrong though man. what's so wrong about snooping on her phone? I have not done it to my previous GF; but If I ever found out that they were sending text messages to others, dudes, and I'm not aware of, I'd be pretty fucking pissed. The fact that you said, "she should break up with you", is like, he is the bad one for thinking this way about her. But, wait a minute, who made him think this way in the first place?. HER, for lying to him several times. Anyways, I don't know, a lot of people have said something really true, which is that this situation can only get worse and worse as time goes on. She has a like for drinking now, and I don't think she will be stopping until she is done with college or w/e. So, I think you should really consider all things right, and make a decision from there. I'm not saying you should break up with her, but I'm not saying you shouldn't.
There was no reason to think she was lying until he started looking on her phone.
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On November 08 2008 20:20 bubblegumbo wrote:
Tell her how you precisely feel, just like what you've said in the blog. If you are willing to forgive her if she did lied to you, make sure you tell her that, and go from there. I am assuming this is college, this type of stuff happens all the time but there is a limit to what a decent g/f should not do if she gets drunk. If you can't forgive her if she did confess the truth, its obvious what needs to be done, but remember mistakes happen in real relationship.
Agreed.
You guys are in a relationship. Discuss with her how you feel.
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My two cents (and this is coming from someone who doesn't drink): it's a long distance relationship, you don't trust her, she lied to you. Those three facts should be all you need to know.
I think you were really over exaggerating the drinking part, by the way; that really doesn't seem to be the issue to me at least. The issue is that you think she's lying to you--which she was. And you were so paranoid about it that you checked her phone. Once that happens, it's just not gonna work, bro. Believe me, as someone who had to give a giant fuck you to his cheating whore of an ex-wife, you don't want to be that guy. It's not fun. She'll feel like you're stalking her, and you'll feel like an epic jackass for checking on her all the time and worrying about everything.
Besides, living across the country sucks. Find someone closer.
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Ok you can have plenty of fun without drinking, I hate the taste of beer, and other alcohol, I can tolerate some wines. I've never been drunk though, so maybe there is something to it.. idk
Ok I had a girlfriend a few years back when I was in HS, we were together for a while, her mom meets a guy online, gets engaged second day after meeting him in person, and then moves to England. takes gf with her. Long Story Short..I'm all caught up in gf... stay with her, talk to her 3 hrs + a day, devote my life to her.... pretty much my gf straight up told me she cheated on me. and the friend wasnt just a friend, and I was like... idk, dumbfounded. The thing is even though, that little amount of attention from her by talking, and just sharing stuff by phone, wasn't enough for her. She got really frustrated in the long distance relationship. Apparently, this is pretty common, Ive met people that had the same thing happen, in both directions, although its pretty suprising the # of girls that can't handle the distance relationships.
Anyways.. now i'm in a relationship where I'm happy, the trust is there, and the distance isnt...
Not telling you what to do, but unless your 100% sure about her, you are not going to be able to force her to stay with you, or do what you want her to do, It's her life, and its also your life. She has needs, and she needs tons of attention if shes got anything resembling that XX chromosome set up. Think over what the positives are about this girl, why are you doubting her so much"??? It sounds like you have some issues, maybe something lingering from your first relationship with her? IDK, for some reason, it just doesn't sound like you trust her or shes worth it to you. I don't know her, so I'm not going to tell you if shes telling the truth or not, what really makes the diffrence, is the fact that you don't know. Your life, is completely different from everyone elses, so who knows, do you and her click? Are you happy? Start asking yourself these questions.. from that paragraph, you'll find your already doubting some of them. However, maybe you were just mad at that situation when you typed that paragraph, so now.. your answers might tell you that wth are you doing so far away from her =P.
Also.. Distance Sucks.
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Dude trust your gut man. It sucks but she probably is cheating on you. In fact she probably started drinking to make her self feel better about her cheating ways.
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On November 08 2008 19:11 Mastermind wrote:
just get out now. this situation can only get worse.
I wouldn't be surprised if she fucked him. Sorry to say it. She is in college, and college girls wanna get fucked, and where are you? 3000 miles away. Ask yourself this: why wouldn't she crash at a female friend's house?
Meet someone local for your own sake.
THIS.
To all the kids in here that are telling him to be okay with it and to stop looking through her phone: are you fucking kidding me? She got drunk and SPENT THE NIGHT IN SOME GUYS DORM ROOM. Just that alone is enough to warrant a "never talk to her again". All you people are doing is setting up him for another episode of cheating, and most likely it will be worse where she will actually admit it this time.
Listen OP, you are in a relationship with a girl that believes it is okay of her to get drunk and do these things when you are not around. Just break up with her, and forget about it. Immoral girlfriends are a huge fucking issue that nice guys such as yourself will inevitably have to deal with. Learn your lesson and move on.
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Long Term relationships are only worth to keep if you are really really sure about the girl...
Not worth it in this case if you ask me
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Here's my point of view on this being perfectly honest.
If a drunk girl wants to come to stay at my place for the night then yea... It's on. I don't care. Why should I? It's not like its mine to give away.
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My best friend/roomate during college had the exact same situation. LDR b/w usa and poland, the girl being in poland. They would see each other during breaks, vacation, talk on the phone forever at times - looked like a great thing. During one of his stays there, he happened to glance into her phone and basically discovered that she had been leading two lives - one with him, one with a bf she had in poland. Great huh?
What entailed? Denial, downplay, eventually admitting the truth, and my friend being depressed to all hell as the other bf started answering his texts/phone calls to her.
LDR usually don't work at the early stage of a relationship - either becase something retarded happens, or just because of jealousy/mistrust.
My 2 cents.
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On November 08 2008 20:08 Daigomi wrote:
I dunno, I think the fact that she doesn't see it as a big deal that she got drunk and stayed over at another guy's house and then lied about it to you should be worrying. Yes, a small lie here or there isn't a big deal, but the fact that she felt the need to lie about what happened that night means that she knew she was doing something you wouldn't approve of, and then that she lied about it to you means that she doesn't trust you. Like, if I was in a similar situation I would message my gf and say "sorry, a bit drunk, going to sleep over at a friend's house, don't worry". She would know that she could trust me because I am being honest with her, while I would show that I trust that she won't dump me by telling her about it. In general, I think it's a very bad thing if your partner starts doing stuff she doesn't want to tell you about, and even worse if she lies about it.
that's almost exactly what I said O_O!
her argument is that she doesn't want me to get mad at her, but then my argument to that is I've NEVER got really angry and overreacted to anything she's done so there's no real basis for that fear and it ends up sounding like an excuse because she ended up getting caught in a life, at least how I see it.
PS.
I've only checked her phone once, I usually never do creepy stalker type things like that, it's just that her phone was literally sitting next to me so I said "fuck it why not", not as if she hasn't done that to me several times before
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Sweden33719 Posts
And there's no way you can let her sleeping in some guys room slide... even if u don't think she cheated it's still ridiculous she did that in the first place... i don't think it's something to break up over though... just something to hold onto and keep reminding her of to make her feel bad
Umm what?
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Below is just a thought:
Out of sight out of mind: right now you're hesitated to break up because you don't see the way ur gf got banged up by that guy. So it doesn't exists. Don't break up, wait till you get cheated and lied to some more several times, then you'll have the courage to break up.
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Interesting situation. I don't think anyone can really tell you what to do, since only you know what the relationship is like on the full scope. But, here's how I'd react:
1. I wouldn't even do long distance relationships.
2. Even in a short distance relationship, sleeping in another guy's room is a dealbreaker.
3. Lying about sleeping in another guy's room is an even bigger dealbreaker.
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On November 08 2008 20:08 Daigomi wrote:
I dunno, I think the fact that she doesn't see it as a big deal that she got drunk and stayed over at another guy's house and then lied about it to you should be worrying. Yes, a small lie here or there isn't a big deal, but the fact that she felt the need to lie about what happened that night means that she knew she was doing something you wouldn't approve of, and then that she lied about it to you means that she doesn't trust you. Like, if I was in a similar situation I would message my gf and say "sorry, a bit drunk, going to sleep over at a friend's house, don't worry". She would know that she could trust me because I am being honest with her, while I would show that I trust that she won't dump me by telling her about it. In general, I think it's a very bad thing if your partner starts doing stuff she doesn't want to tell you about, and even worse if she lies about it.
Obviously I have no idea what you relationship is like, so there's no way I'd advise breaking up. But I would suggest you have a serious discussion with her in which you raise your concerns, and then depending on what she says, you decide where to go with the relationship.
this definately, relationships are supposed to be built on honesty and trust, but if she has to lie to you about alot of things then obviously she is hiding something she don't want you to know. I think you should talk it over with her and ask her why she lied and everything.
+ Show Spoiler +Tell her your gonna go spend the night at a very close friend of yours [female] and see how she likes it when its done to her o.O? then if she does give a care, shell understand what it means to you
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distance has nothing to do with anything... im 6000 miles from my fiance, in the military.. and i feel closer then ever
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You're not weird at all for thinking like this. Being in long-distance relationships is tough and honesty - total, absolute - is what keeps them going.
My fiance (if you've read my previous blog) lives in Berlin, Germany and I live in California. We're thousands and thousands of miles apart. I drink and she drinks as well, but we have always had the conversation of what was acceptable - and this would be something that is not, regardless of how drunk one is.
First, your girlfriend didn't have the forethought to think "just how drunk am I going to get here?" and then "should I stay the night at this guy's house?" and last "would it be okay if my boyfriend did it?" This line of thinking should be the central tenet of a relationship because when it comes down to judgment, all you have to do is ask yourself whether or not the other person would feel upset/insecure/hurt about it.
I just know that if my fiance 1) lied to me about drinking, then 2) lied to about "going home that night," (which infers that she KNEW her staying at this guy's house was wrong and would upset you)," and then 3) had the audacity to stay at his house nevertheless - well man, that's just way too many wrongs to count.
In a long-distance relationship this kind of inconsideration is not what you need. Go out and find someone who is really going to be considerate of your feelings.
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I was in a long distance relationship before myself, and from my personal experience they don't work out very well.
I'd say break up with her and find someone closer. Especially since she lied to you. In LDRs, trust and honesty are the most important things. If she lied to you, then you can't really trust her 100%, and in that case there isn't any point in staying.
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Well, if your girlfriend wants to drink and have fun, I guess your going to have to either deal with it, or dump her. If you are 3000 miles away, you really cant dictate how she lives, when she goes out etc, that is one of the problems with longdistancerelationships, you live seperate lives. Maybe it just comes down to trust, from what I have read, you really dont like your girlfriend drinking, and I think that might be because you dont trust her when she is drunk and out partying. Most of the lies are probably nothing to worry about, since its mostly to not upset you about the drinking part. As for staying over at a friends house/room it doesnt automaticly means she cheated on you. I have had a girl staying at my room because the last subway had gone, and she had a really far way home. She had a boyfriend, she slept on the extra madrass and it wasnt even remotely close to anything happening. Then again she might be cheating on you and you trust her to much to see it, that is also a possibility.
Think you should talk to her I guess, and take an evaluation on pros and cons in the relationship. Are you moving to the same place in foreseeable future maybe?
Girls are weird, and I dont get them, so dunno
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Why did you break up last time?
I would say that if the reason had anything at all to do with her needing more space, or beeing sad about u leaving for collage or whatever then the risk of her cheating on you now is kind of big.
If you love her staying isn't worth it. If you don't and the prospect of not fucking her scares you then at least break up in your mind. (If it turns out u were wrong and she didn't cheat this option makes you a total ashole though.)
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United States17042 Posts
It's a slippery slope for trustworthyness, especially when both of you guys are so far apart. You're not crazy for wanting to break up with her because of it, so just think about if it makes sense for you to stay with her.
Long distance relationships require a lot of trust, so you need to convince yourself again that she's trustworthy before you can move on.
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On November 09 2008 03:30 KlaCkoN wrote:
Why did you break up last time?
I would say that if the reason had anything at all to do with her needing more space, or beeing sad about u leaving for collage or whatever then the risk of her cheating on you now is kind of big.
If you love her staying isn't worth it. If you don't and the prospect of not fucking her scares you then at least break up in your mind. (If it turns out u were wrong and she didn't cheat this option makes you a total ashole though.)
broke up the first time because her parents HATE the fuck out of me because I'm a) not rich and b) not Chinese and they were putting a lot of stress on her and I was getting stressed and depressed over it, and we weren't communicating, etc.
we got back together and talked these things over and IMO everything's been going really well since June until this point. O_O!
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Look at it from a mans point of view. Would her male friend who was probably also intoxicated at the time be civil enough to not flirt? I have been in numerous situations, and have also seen many situations where drunk men are constantly flirting with someone, even if they know its wrong. So you need to know that if she was drunk and slept over at his house...in his room no less, that something had to have happened. I just find it very very hard to believe that a drunk man wouldnt be flirting and hitting on his drunk friend who is sleeping over in his room. For most guys, thats a guaranteed sign to try and get some play out of it.
So, your 2 situations are, he flirted with her, in hopes to have sex, and she being drunk agreed, and spent the night. OR he flirted with her in hopes to get sex, and she turned him down, yet still spent the night. The 2nd choice just doesn't seem to add up. In most cases if a girl was being put into an uncomfortable situation, she would more than likely leave...thus making me think that the situation was NOT uncomfortable for her, and she stayed. The 1 thing I can almost 100% count on though, is that he did probably try to come onto her, and if she was not uncomfortable enough to leave, then perhaps something came about it.
All of this probably seems like a guess in the dark, but seriously I have probably seen over a hundred examples of this exact thing (men getting drunk and hitting on / flirting with whatever girl was available at the time). Combine that with her sleeping over, and you got alot of things to ponder lol
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On November 08 2008 19:00 yubee wrote:
break up with her and go for someone closer
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iNcontroL
USA29055 Posts
On November 09 2008 04:03 {CC}StealthBlue wrote:Show nested quote +On November 08 2008 19:00 yubee wrote:
get her up closer and go break someone with
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On November 09 2008 03:37 Xeris wrote:Show nested quote +On November 09 2008 03:30 KlaCkoN wrote:
Why did you break up last time?
I would say that if the reason had anything at all to do with her needing more space, or beeing sad about u leaving for collage or whatever then the risk of her cheating on you now is kind of big.
If you love her staying isn't worth it. If you don't and the prospect of not fucking her scares you then at least break up in your mind. (If it turns out u were wrong and she didn't cheat this option makes you a total ashole though.) broke up the first time because her parents HATE the fuck out of me because I'm a) not rich and b) not Chinese and they were putting a lot of stress on her and I was getting stressed and depressed over it, and we weren't communicating, etc. we got back together and talked these things over and IMO everything's been going really well since June until this point. O_O!
Well that makes it much less clear imo ><.
No idea, go with your gut feeling, you will probably be right.
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I already answered this, but some answers to the responses:
He overplayed the drinking thing because it's one of his doubts about the relationship to begin with. He kind of wants to break up over her becoming this totally different person.
Also no one seems to realize how natural it is for a woman to lead multiple separate lives. She could have a BF in every city and not think twice about it. Also what do you think she likes drinking for, to stand around and go whoo with some loud music on? There's got to be some sexual tension there, and you're 3000 miles away.
Still I think you're "a creep" (as the bitches call it) for going on her phone. I'm sure that's what she's thinking and bitching about to her friends. If she completely internalizes the fact that you went on the phone, then she's already just playing you and guilty and so you can ride it out if you like, but get some more GF's and just extract value. Nothing changes your phoney relationship, unless you put your faith in the reality of honesty first. It's like, if you want to believe in Obama yes you can. If you think reality comes first, you don't get to be so inspired. It's your choice, and I think you are already trying to find a reason to break up with your LDR. I think it's just hugely mistaken. Don't fuck around under the hood unless you're a mechanic, just drive the damn car.
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On November 08 2008 19:23 Suggestion Box wrote:Show nested quote +On November 08 2008 19:18 HooHa! wrote:
You should just break the relationship. It's probably not worth making this into something bigger than it already is. You must have a great deal of respect for her about many things, and I think you would be respecting yourself and her by letting it go. Honestly she should break up with you because you were snooping her phone. That's just fucked up. The only reason she hasn't is probably because she feels guilty cheating on you all the time. Why do people stay in long distance relationships anyways? I think she doesn't have the heart to break it off. I hope I'm wrong though man.
Why'd you have to quote ME man!? Its like you came down on me and said I was snooping on her phone! I don't know the guy! Eff!
haha!
Either way, this guy needs to get a new girl. And she probably needs a new guy. Though who are we to say this?
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Korea (South)17174 Posts
long distance getting drunk and fucking other guys
dump
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On November 09 2008 01:29 FrozenArbiter wrote:Show nested quote +And there's no way you can let her sleeping in some guys room slide... even if u don't think she cheated it's still ridiculous she did that in the first place... i don't think it's something to break up over though... just something to hold onto and keep reminding her of to make her feel bad Umm what?
leverage  she did something stupid... now you can
i was half joking btw... i'm just saying I personally wouldn't end things over that... what if she is "the one" and is actually completely amazing but just made this small mistake. If you just talk to her and she actually realizes how it is from your point of view she probably won't do anything like that anymore. People have different opinions on different things so she could have thought what she was doing was completely not a big deal and didn't merit any kind of mention.
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On November 09 2008 02:44 Fallen33 wrote:
distance has nothing to do with anything... im 6000 miles from my fiance, in the military.. and i feel closer then ever
You are almost married, he is not. Distance is often what ends these kind of relationships.
On November 09 2008 03:37 Xeris wrote:
broke up the first time because her parents HATE the fuck out of me because I'm a) not rich and b) not Chinese and they were putting a lot of stress on her and I was getting stressed and depressed over it, and we weren't communicating, etc.
we got back together and talked these things over and IMO everything's been going really well since June until this point. O_O!
Who broke off with who first? Can it be you are more into her than she is into you? I don't like her original excuse to breakup. Something doesn't feel right...
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On November 08 2008 20:19 Zuries wrote:Show nested quote +On November 08 2008 18:54 Xeris wrote:On November 08 2008 18:49 yubee wrote:
let her have some fun jesus I can say from experience that I can have tons of fun without drinking a drop, and I can have fun even with other people who are drinking (and I'm not) as well. oh........... your one of those
For some thats actually true. However those are far from the same people who remind others that drinking is bad all the time and thinks that it is of any importance that they do not drink.
In other words, it works as long as you do not care if others drink or not.
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Man with a story like that the chances of her cheating is like 90%.
You're probably better off without her.
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On November 09 2008 02:46 Rayzorblade wrote:
You're not weird at all for thinking like this. Being in long-distance relationships is tough and honesty - total, absolute - is what keeps them going.
My fiance (if you've read my previous blog) lives in Berlin, Germany and I live in California. We're thousands and thousands of miles apart. I drink and she drinks as well, but we have always had the conversation of what was acceptable - and this would be something that is not, regardless of how drunk one is.
First, your girlfriend didn't have the forethought to think "just how drunk am I going to get here?" and then "should I stay the night at this guy's house?" and last "would it be okay if my boyfriend did it?" This line of thinking should be the central tenet of a relationship because when it comes down to judgment, all you have to do is ask yourself whether or not the other person would feel upset/insecure/hurt about it.
I just know that if my fiance 1) lied to me about drinking, then 2) lied to about "going home that night," (which infers that she KNEW her staying at this guy's house was wrong and would upset you)," and then 3) had the audacity to stay at his house nevertheless - well man, that's just way too many wrongs to count.
In a long-distance relationship this kind of inconsideration is not what you need. Go out and find someone who is really going to be considerate of your feelings.
this.
im in a long distance relationship too and if it's going to work out, then you need 100% absolute trust in each other
obviously, you dont have that trust anymore (for good reason)
and so either you need to confront her if you really want this relationship
or just bail
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A) Long distance relationships dont work. Move to her or she moves to you, otherwise break up imo.
B) Being a "fan" of drinking is a nice way of saying alcoholic.
C) It was really fucked up of you to go looking through her phone. Thats her private space where she feels she can let out emotions that she cant tell you. Even if it means being ignorant to her cheating on you its better to maintain trust imo. Besides if you have been with this chick for two years you should be able to pick up warning signs from other places than snooping through her shit.
D) Long distance relationships dont work. If you have a girlfriend and shes 3k miles away 10 months of the year it must be pretty damn special. I know I would never want to be physically separated from my partner like that, for emotional and physical reasons.
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Oh FFS, she's 100% cheating on you. You are not breaking up because you are afraid of saying fuck off. Take a moment and think, if a drunk girl says she wants to spent the night with you, wouldn't you be hitting the fuck out of her? I mean, come on, it's human nature...Even if she was not trying to cheat on you, just a single move from her friend would have started it (bed + alcohol + 2 month of no sex). Get someone closer.
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Xeris is a very awesome person to hang out with when you're drunk. I know. ^^
Long distance relationships don't work.
Trust me. It sucks, and sometimes we don't want to accept it.
And I could go on and on but then I should start my own blog because of my own experiences.
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On November 10 2008 13:32 SpiralArchitect wrote:
B) Being a "fan" of drinking is a nice way of saying alcoholic. lol come on jon
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long distance works if u have a plan to eliminate the distance
but if u dont its fucked up TT
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Russian Federation4235 Posts
I like drinking as well, provide her with my number plz.
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EPT
