EPTif not--leave her alone.
Dating: How's your luck? - Page 1042
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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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Emnjay808
United States10633 Posts
if not--leave her alone. | ||
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GoTuNk!
Chile4591 Posts
On February 28 2019 02:41 Artisreal wrote: Third option is to just listen and give a valve for venting You are her boy friend, not her girl friend. Listening is ok, being a valve for venting or accepting bad behaviour because of something you didn't do isn't; it's a quite a thin line. I find that if she is a troubled girl she will create a troubled relationship and you simply can't fix other people. If the situation OP describes happens regularly I would talk about it and move on if it doesn't improve. If the situation happens infrequently you should still talk about it (when she is in a good mood) and come to terms with what to do and what's acceptable from her. My gf is an outstanding person 99.5% of the time, so when she gets moody I give her some room and wait for her to cool off. She will usually aproach me afterwards and apologize for being annoying for no reason and thank me for putting up with it. | ||
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Plansix
United States60190 Posts
An underrated tact to take is to just ask them if they want to do something to take their mind off of whatever is bothering them. It asks the question without any exception for them to "cheer up" or for you to fix the problem. And they can just say no. | ||
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Artisreal
Germany9233 Posts
On March 01 2019 02:58 GoTuNk! wrote: You are her boy friend, not her girl friend. Listening is ok, being a valve for venting or accepting bad behaviour because of something you didn't do isn't; it's a quite a thin line. I find that if she is a troubled girl she will create a troubled relationship and you simply can't fix other people. If the situation OP describes happens regularly I would talk about it and move on if it doesn't improve. If the situation happens infrequently you should still talk about it (when she is in a good mood) and come to terms with what to do and what's acceptable from her. My gf is an outstanding person 99.5% of the time, so when she gets moody I give her some room and wait for her to cool off. She will usually aproach me afterwards and apologize for being annoying for no reason and thank me for putting up with it. I mean, you do you, but this is general advice and not tailored to a specific person. You disagreeing with applying that advice to your gf is fine but it might just be the bonding experience other couples need, people are different, as we've so clearly seen in this thread, among others, time and again. so disregarding it for other people is not really what you want to do here. My wife has friends all over the place but sometimes not where she is at, which means I've been the outlet so many times. While I'd call it healthy to not burden your partner with everything, it surely is an easy and also healthy thing to do, to listen to your partner when they're angry at something. And it's perfectly normal to be cranky without having an explanation for it. I'm understanding enough that there's no need for her to excuse herself when she's just had a bad day and is in a bad mood. Idc if it's space or an ear she needs, I'm gonna give her that. | ||
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farvacola
United States18812 Posts
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GoTuNk!
Chile4591 Posts
On March 01 2019 03:37 Artisreal wrote: I mean, you do you, but this is general advice and not tailored to a specific person. You disagreeing with applying that advice to your gf is fine but it might just be the bonding experience other couples need, people are different, as we've so clearly seen in this thread, among others, time and again. so disregarding it for other people is not really what you want to do here. My wife has friends all over the place but sometimes not where she is at, which means I've been the outlet so many times. While I'd call it healthy to not burden your partner with everything, it surely is an easy and also healthy thing to do, to listen to your partner when they're angry at something. And it's perfectly normal to be cranky without having an explanation for it. I'm understanding enough that there's no need for her to excuse herself when she's just had a bad day and is in a bad mood. Idc if it's space or an ear she needs, I'm gonna give her that. Nonono, I mean to avoid being on a position where your partner regularly whines at you or worse, mistreats you because of bad stuff in other places of her life. I think the key difference is that listening to your partner is not the same as being treated badly because she feels bad, which is the impression I got from the original comment. It's a thin, nuanced line. | ||
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Artisreal
Germany9233 Posts
On March 01 2019 04:20 GoTuNk! wrote: Nonono, I mean to avoid being on a position where your partner regularly whines at you or worse, mistreats you because of bad stuff in other places of her life. I think the key difference is that listening to your partner is not the same as being treated badly because she feels bad, which is the impression I got from the original comment. It's a thin, nuanced line. Ah alright, my bad not being up to speed on that! Totally agree with you that these are very different things. | ||
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Uldridge
Belgium4416 Posts
And people do it all the time. They eat shit all day long and then let the closest person to them eat shit (without them realizing it or even having the intent to), but they do it because they need to release the pent up frustrations. A healthy environment and right direction is definitely needed because if you don't address that shit it's going to keep happening and both parties will suffer without ever realizing exactly why. | ||
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GoTuNk!
Chile4591 Posts
On March 01 2019 04:59 Uldridge wrote: Yeah that's what I understood as well. You don't need to be the proxy where she can unload all of her frustrations on, be it verbal or physical. And people do it all the time. They eat shit all day long and then let the closest person to them eat shit (without them realizing it or even having the intent to), but they do it because they need to release the pent up frustrations. A healthy environment and right direction is definitely needed because if you don't address that shit it's going to keep happening and both parties will suffer without ever realizing exactly why. Exactly. Also, you should preach by example. Abusive people are usually abused somewhere else, or were abused before. Then they repeat the pattern and are abusive in their workplace, relationships, or worse, are abusive towards their children. It is up to everyone to be aware and break the cycle. | ||
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James244
1 Post
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DavoS
United States4605 Posts
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JimmyJRaynor
Canada16170 Posts
On March 01 2019 02:58 GoTuNk! wrote: My gf is an outstanding person 99.5% of the time, so when she gets moody I give her some room and wait for her to cool off. She will usually aproach me afterwards and apologize for being annoying for no reason and thank me for putting up with it. My gf is an outstanding person the vast majority of time. I'll take it.  If she were "outstanding" more than 95% of the time I'd say she is spending too much energy tip-toeing around me. | ||
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Davercee
United States4 Posts
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papapanda
Taiwan326 Posts
From 5 years ago, when a friend I've known for 3 years hugged me and wouldn't let me go for 10 minutes, not because she's sad, but just because. I wanted to consult the fine netizens of TL whether that is something friends do. A few months after that, when I muster all the courage I had and stuttered out an awkward confession, and she told me she felt the same way. I wanted to share my success here and ask for advice for someone dating seriously for the first time. When I left America 2 years ago after completing my college degree to finish my mandatory military service on the other side of the globe, I wanted some tips on long distance relationships. In the end I never did, mainly because I have friends who frequent TL and I valued our privacy and anonymity too much. Now, I'm almost hoping one of them will stumble across this post... maybe? Many people have come to ask me for relationship advise because of how seemingly wonderful our relationship is, and it really is. We'd argue sometimes: about whether or not we wanted to go to a party on Friday night or random things like the nutritional value of McDonald's. However, in general our hobbies mostly overlapped, or at the very least respected each other (She calls Starcraft the "Alien Game" and agrees that Zergs are cute). She was upset and maybe a little scared when I had to return to my country to fulfill my military obligations, but agreed that we will work things out though Skype. She even flew here twice to visit, and after my service, I flew back as soon as I could. Regardless, during service, I could only video call on my breaks, which comes once a month. During the month we'd stay connect through messages and emails. Half way through my service, so just about a year ago, she brought up the idea of an open-relationship. I imagine it is the dream for many to date someone who's open-minded about these kind of things, but while I entertained the idea for a bit, I decided I'm not interested to see other people and am physically disgusted at the idea of her seeing someone else, no matter how serious. I convinced her to drop the idea as I would be visiting in half a year and I was looking for a job in the States. Unfortunately, things didn't go as smoothly after finishing my service and no realistic option to stay in US for a prolong period of time came up. Although the visit was great, in the end I am back looking for a job 12500 km away. Here, she once again started a conversation about open relationship. Logically it makes so much sense for her; I am not reliable, she doesn't even know when I'd be back. She says she still loves me and she’d be here when I get back to the US, but that she’s interested in seeing other people in the meantime. She definitely doesn’t want to stop “dating me” and I don’t want to either, however these relationships with others aren’t one night stands. These other guys are people I’ve spoken to; they are reoccurring people in her life. I understand she’s physically lonely so I said it’s okay, and it IS equal; I can do the same. But maybe it isn’t fair… as I’m still not interested in seeing other people. I know that communication is essential, and we have 100% trust in each other about honesty. Still, just thinking about it makes me feel like I swallowed razor blades. This is a long set up, and I already tried to omit things that are more personal or redundant! What I would appreciate some advice with is: 1. General opinion, experience and advice for long distance relationships. 2. General opinion, experience and advice for open relationships. 3. Specific advice to change my mind about open relationships (my current stance is that… it kinda sucks? What’s so great about seeing someone less awesome compared to her). Overviewing the whole post… this is a mess. But I’ll be glad to share my views on everything and expand on whatever is relevant if need be! To be honest, I already feel better about throwing this message in a bottle in the open sea of TL. So thanks for reading, everyone<3 | ||
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evilfatsh1t
Australia8584 Posts
aside from the obvious things such as trusting your partner etc. id assume that one of the other prerequisites would be a lesser need for physical companionship. ive never seen a long distance relationship work when one or more partners have a high sex drive and need to be getting laid regularly (they might get some on the side in secret, you never know, but this all comes down to trust i guess). as for open relationships, my personal opinion is a big fuck that to that. if im gonna be in an "open relationship" id much rather just break up with the person im in the primary relationship with and see other people as i wish. its pretty clear that shes suggesting open relationships because she wants someone to be there for her physically but she want to solve this problem the "legit" way rather than do it behind your back. im like you, i could never get over the thought of my girl being with another dude. i would much rather break the relationship off and say go be with whoever you want if we cant be together right now | ||
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Zambrah
United States6949 Posts
If you really are disgusted by her being with other people and you don't have the desire to do the same you might consider just ending it. When and if you manage to actually get back together full time you might have a really hard time reconciling your feelings with reality as it may have occurred. | ||
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IgnE
United States7681 Posts
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States43434 Posts
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
General opinion, experience and advice for long distance relationships. Everyone I have ever heard talk about them says they would not do it again. I personally don't have any experience that area though. General opinion, experience and advice for open relationships. Honestly, to me, from what your gf is saying your relationship seem to be on a timer. Unless you move closer together fairly soon. To even suggest open relationship would be pretty alarm signalish for me. I don't blame her of course, I wouldn't want to be in a non-physical relationship. Unless you two change something I believe one of two things can happen. She cheats, or she breaks up with you. Specific advice to change my mind about open relationships (my current stance is that… it kinda sucks? What’s so great about seeing someone less awesome compared to her). You're free to think whatever you want. I would never want be in a open relationship. I would just end it. | ||
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papapanda
Taiwan326 Posts
I am way more tolerant with how the whole long distance relationship thing is working out so far, compared to her. But she's also sacrificing committing to this long distance relationship; which is why I also chose to step back a little from my position on open relationships. She wouldn't do something behind my back, and she wants this to work as desperately as I do, so I do think we have the ingredients to make the open relationship work. I kind of wish someone can just slap me with a "Silly, open relationships are awesome... here's why...!" If only it is easy to break up with someone you still love! But if that's what's best for both of us, then I really have to consider it. I think we'd definitely still be something along the lines of "best friend" if we did. Yup, visa problems! We did talk about marriage, but it'd feel like a shotgun marriage. Maybe it's not pragmatic enough, but neither of us could shake the feeling that it'd be the wrong decision to "use" the system like that. Actually, I'd like to go to grad school, so if nothing else that's lined up in the next few years. Professionally I'm not ready to go back to school yet though (financially not ready either). I'll mull it over! Still would love to hear more on people's experiences with long distance or open relationships. Edit: Regarding the timer, I sort of agree. She tells me she would drop all the other relationships immediately when I return. But maybe some of you would agree with my impression that it is harder said then done. | ||
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