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On March 20 2019 06:41 MysteryMeat1 wrote:
Signing a new lease with the gf the end of this week. I need to bring up the kids issue again before we have a 12 month lease together. Currently I'm on the fence with kids when she wants to be a full-time sahm with three kids. I'm closer to 1 maybe in a couple of years and if that goes very very well maybe maybe 2... I'll be turning 25 and she 24 for context.
I'd also eventually like to move back to Seattle while she never wants to go back.
I think my lack of wanting to have kids stem from the following:
1. Being young and having a hard time imagining having kids
2. Lack of free time having kids, affordability
3. No strong desire to have kids at the current time
I definitely agree with you that you and she should have that talk. Maybe these end up not being decisions that you and she need to act upon over the next year, but you definitely don't want to end up in a fight halfway through that lease about two of the biggest decisions in a relationship (whether or not to have children, and whether or not to significantly relocate).
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On March 20 2019 06:41 MysteryMeat1 wrote:
Signing a new lease with the gf the end of this week. I need to bring up the kids issue again before we have a 12 month lease together. Currently I'm on the fence with kids when she wants to be a full-time sahm with three kids. I'm closer to 1 maybe in a couple of years and if that goes very very well maybe maybe 2... I'll be turning 25 and she 24 for context.
I'd also eventually like to move back to Seattle while she never wants to go back.
I think my lack of wanting to have kids stem from the following:
1. Being young and having a hard time imagining having kids
2. Lack of free time having kids, affordability
3. No strong desire to have kids at the current time
I feel like the question if you should get a lease together is the least of your problems? She wants to have 3 kids AND be SAHM now? Shouldn't the question be if you're compatible long term or not?
Would you like for her to be a SAHM? Do you want to be the only one having a real job?
When do you think will be well of financially to support that?
Do you even want 3 kids? Can you budge on your current ideas?
When is the earliest time you want to have a child? How does that match up with her latest time?
I feel like if you don't decide now you might just end up a few years with your gf and decide to part ways later. Of course, maybe neither of you mind that for a few years. Something I would heavily consider though
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On March 20 2019 06:41 MysteryMeat1 wrote:
Signing a new lease with the gf the end of this week. I need to bring up the kids issue again before we have a 12 month lease together. Currently I'm on the fence with kids when she wants to be a full-time sahm with three kids. I'm closer to 1 maybe in a couple of years and if that goes very very well maybe maybe 2... I'll be turning 25 and she 24 for context.
I'd also eventually like to move back to Seattle while she never wants to go back.
I think my lack of wanting to have kids stem from the following:
1. Being young and having a hard time imagining having kids
2. Lack of free time having kids, affordability
3. No strong desire to have kids at the current time
I don't see why you'd need to reach any sort of consensus on those big questions in order to enter into a 12 month lease. Based on my recollection, your take on having kids seems to be softening, so in that sense, it seems reasonable to expect that your mind might continue to change as time progresses.
Have you lived with her in similar circumstances already, or is this the largest living together commitment you'll have entered into? Do you feel any self-pressure to look elsewhere for someone who more closely aligns with your desires? How much do you like her? Those are some questions that might impact the how and why you want to push the kids issue before entering into the lease, because on its face, living with someone for 12 months under a contract has relatively little to do with future children concerns.
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On March 20 2019 20:20 farvacola wrote:Show nested quote +On March 20 2019 06:41 MysteryMeat1 wrote:
Signing a new lease with the gf the end of this week. I need to bring up the kids issue again before we have a 12 month lease together. Currently I'm on the fence with kids when she wants to be a full-time sahm with three kids. I'm closer to 1 maybe in a couple of years and if that goes very very well maybe maybe 2... I'll be turning 25 and she 24 for context.
I'd also eventually like to move back to Seattle while she never wants to go back.
I think my lack of wanting to have kids stem from the following:
1. Being young and having a hard time imagining having kids
2. Lack of free time having kids, affordability
3. No strong desire to have kids at the current time I don't see why you'd need to reach any sort of consensus on those big questions in order to enter into a 12 month lease. Based on my recollection, your take on having kids seems to be softening, so in that sense, it seems reasonable to expect that your mind might continue to change as time progresses. Have you lived with her in similar circumstances already, or is this the largest living together commitment you'll have entered into? Do you feel any self-pressure to look elsewhere for someone who more closely aligns with your desires? How much do you like her? Those are some questions that might impact the how and why you want to push the kids issue before entering into the lease, because on its face, living with someone for 12 months under a contract has relatively little to do with future children concerns.
Future, sure. But if she sees this as a significant step towards having a first child in the short-term, and quitting her job to be a SAHM, then clearly they aren't on the same page even now, and they probably shouldn't be together if her next step is "settle down and get pregnant" and his next step is "DINK to earn good money and then move back to Seattle"
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Indeed, if she is looking to make those moves soon, the concerns are warranted. However, if they’re floating goals subject to change, there’s much less of an issue, and I think it’s worthwhile to consider whether both MM1 and his gal might change their minds as they live together, which is why I’m curious as to the scope of their prior living arrangements.
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On March 20 2019 21:48 farvacola wrote:
Indeed, if she is looking to make those moves soon, the concerns are warranted. However, if they’re floating goals subject to change, there’s much less of an issue, and I think it’s worthwhile to consider whether both MM1 and his gal might change their minds as they live together, which is why I’m curious as to the scope of their prior living arrangements.
I wanna know that and their financial situations, so we can determine if they can afford it 
As an aside, SAHM is great if you can afford it, dropping babies at day care when they are 2 years old is not the best for them.
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2 year olds dropped at day care are probably better socialized than those staying at home driving their SAHM crazy
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On March 20 2019 23:39 GoTuNk! wrote:Show nested quote +On March 20 2019 21:48 farvacola wrote:
Indeed, if she is looking to make those moves soon, the concerns are warranted. However, if they’re floating goals subject to change, there’s much less of an issue, and I think it’s worthwhile to consider whether both MM1 and his gal might change their minds as they live together, which is why I’m curious as to the scope of their prior living arrangements. I wanna know that and their financial situations, so we can determine if they can afford it As an aside, SAHM is great if you can afford it, dropping babies at day care when they are 2 years old is not the best for them.
Kindergarten starts when you're 1 year old here. Kids like to socialise as well you know.
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On March 21 2019 00:35 Excludos wrote:Show nested quote +On March 20 2019 23:39 GoTuNk! wrote:On March 20 2019 21:48 farvacola wrote:
Indeed, if she is looking to make those moves soon, the concerns are warranted. However, if they’re floating goals subject to change, there’s much less of an issue, and I think it’s worthwhile to consider whether both MM1 and his gal might change their minds as they live together, which is why I’m curious as to the scope of their prior living arrangements. I wanna know that and their financial situations, so we can determine if they can afford it As an aside, SAHM is great if you can afford it, dropping babies at day care when they are 2 years old is not the best for them. Kindergarten starts when you're 1 year old here. Kids like to socialise as well you know.
Kids socializing =/= abandoning toddlers for the entire day in a place with a strong chance they will get both abused and neglected.
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I'm not sure what kind of experiences but anecdotal you base your statement on, but sometimes it is wise to not judge the whole world based on a single perspective
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Yeah, I don't know what kind of shit daycare they have around him, but that isn't how it is where I am from or how it was when I was growing up. And I grew up in the wild and crazy time known as the 1980s, when playgrounds were made of concrete and cautionary tales. When they sold the toy known as lawn darts, the finest natural selection had to offer.
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On March 21 2019 03:01 Artisreal wrote:
I'm not sure what kind of experiences but anecdotal you base your statement on, but sometimes it is wise to not judge the whole world based on a single perspective
Yeah every public service here sucks (except emergency health, I would say), people from the first world have no idea how government works outside their very functional government bubble. Even private daycares are bad.
That said, for a kid that young, being separated from their mom for a few hours at a young age is terrible trauma and should be avoided.
Couple that with being thrown in a place where they compete with 10+ other kids for the attention of a few if not one adult, and where if they receive any kind of abuse they can't comunicate it and it's def something I will not expose my kids to.
They will not be out of my or my wives sight until they can at least talk and we have bonded enough that they feel safe without us. They can perfectly socialize under supervision until then.
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Man, I killed it in day care and loved it, so this is super weird. Kids are adaptable little people and are not getting enough credit for how resilient they are in this discussion(quality of day care not taken into account).
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On March 21 2019 03:17 Plansix wrote:
Man, I killed it in day care and loved it, so this is super weird. Kids are adaptable little people and are not getting enough credit for how resilient they are in this discussion(quality of day care not taken into account).
Would you say that is a universal experience for kids? You remember killing it at 1 years old?
Edit: I would not put my children on a government daycare under any circumstance. Private COULD be an option; first world countries could be different, here they are flat out dangerous.
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I mean, I'm all for taking care of your kid yourself, especially in the early years, I'm basically close to your opinion. But I think some of your posts could use a little more scope. A slight hint that you're talking about a subset, not the whole.
I could let prejudice talk and figure from your TL location how the public services are, but I don't, cause that's not what people should do.
We should, in my humble opinion, differentiate and not generalise so often. So without providing the context, which was given in your last post, its a rather general statement that, due to the nature of our complex world, cannot apply everywhere.
Makes for easier constatation if you include what circumstances you're actually drawing your opinion from.
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the vast majority of newborns around me absolutely lose their shit if their parents arent with them so i cannot fathom how youd send your 1-2yr old to day care. i personally would wait at least until 3
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On March 21 2019 03:23 Artisreal wrote:
I mean, I'm all for taking care of your kid yourself, especially in the early years, I'm basically close to your opinion. But I think some of your posts could use a little more scope. A slight hint that you're talking about a subset, not the whole.
I could let prejudice talk and figure from your TL location how the public services are, but I don't, cause that's not what people should do.
We should, in my humble opinion, differentiate and not generalise so often. So without providing the context, which was given in your last post, its a rather general statement that, due to the nature of our complex world, cannot apply everywhere.
Makes for easier constatation if you include what circumstances you're actually drawing your opinion from.
I'm from latin america, expecting government services to be sub par is not prejudice, is reality. My country is the most developed in our region there are tons of good things about it, just not government daycares or child services in general (there was a huge scandal about it here, that over thousand of kids have been sexually abused, or killed over the last 20 years in government child service facilities)
That said, separating 1-2 year old toddlers from their parents for extended periods of time is def not good for them in any context. Morever, abusers exist everywhere and your kid being able to at least talk and trust you enough, is a must to me before you can leave him alone anywhere.
I'm not talking only about sexual abuse, I mean in daycares there is usually 1-2 adult in charge of many kids and they will ignore them or beat them up a non negligible percentage of the time. Sometimes even kids pick up on each other and 1 adult simply can't be on top of everything.
Edit: Also what poster above said.
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i wonder how hunter-gatherers raised their children
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On March 21 2019 03:42 IgnE wrote:
i wonder how hunter-gatherers raised their children
Poorly? Not in a way that modern parents should model without careful research and thought?
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You think they raised kids badly? Why is that?
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EPT
