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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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Emnjay808
United States10657 Posts
Im just taking Ls left and right this year orz + Show Spoiler + I think I need to find help for my mental well being. I punish myself and tell myself I deserve this and let this wave of dread take over me. I’ve been doing so well with improving my confidence but it gets hard some days. Only thing I look forward to is gym and work where I can somewhat distract myself from this feeling. Idk weird rant, I needed to do something cathartic | ||
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JimmyJRaynor
Canada16766 Posts
On April 13 2021 13:26 Emnjay808 wrote: I tried to start things up with a past interest (we both liked each other at one point LONG ago) through instagram. Currently left me on read for about 10 hours now. Nice. Im just taking Ls left and right this year orz + Show Spoiler + I think I need to find help for my mental well being. I punish myself and tell myself I deserve this and let this wave of dread take over me. I’ve been doing so well with improving my confidence but it gets hard some days. Only thing I look forward to is gym and work where I can somewhat distract myself from this feeling. Idk weird rant, I needed to do something cathartic i suggest one step to improving your situation includes creating an ACTION PLAN to raise your self esteem. this is a great guide that close friends and I have found very useful. https://www.amazon.ca/Raise-Your-Self-Esteem-Action-Oriented-Self-Confidence/dp/0553266462 This is not a book you passively read. it is the foundation of a work book and journal you create. On April 13 2021 13:26 Emnjay808 wrote: Im just taking Ls left and right this year orz taking Ls and working through and past it has done wonders for my confidence. It has done wonders for many of the people close to me. How you handle big Ls ... defines you. one of the things aspects of RTS games i find so fascinating is that one can create a well thought out, emingly reasonable build order, One can execute the build order properly, scout effectively.. and then suffer a SOUL CRUSHING loss. The next step, as painful as it might be, is to pick through the replay piece by piece and with RUTHLESS HONESTY assess where you failed. That's how you deal with a big "L". If you want to hear a monster, giant "L" i've taken in the past... reply to this post and i'll give you a good read. | ||
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Emnjay808
United States10657 Posts
That was just a dark day for me lol. | ||
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
and neither of us expected this to be more than random sex. Isn't this how basically how 70% of all relationships form  ? | ||
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plasmidghost
Belgium16168 Posts
When I joined this site in 2011, I was a super depressed forever alone 15 year-old boy. I started dating someone in 2019 shortly after coming out as a trans woman. One day several weeks ago, I was cooking them food and they jokingly called me their wife. They helped me clean up and I called them my wife, which led to us realizing that we want to get married, so now I have a fiancée and am going to officially be a wife to my wife in 2023. I can't believe that I finally found happiness and love. Things get better. | ||
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JimmiC
Canada22817 Posts
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Titusmaster6
United States5937 Posts
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[Phantom]
Mexico2170 Posts
I met this girl at a new job. We have talked and seen each other in a few "dates" now and it's been great. We really are compatible and I feel a connection I haven't had in a while. The problem is....I have a child (I'm in my twenties). Not only that, I'm in a legal battle with the mother for custody/parenting rights because she stole the baby (long story). And I just hate it. Last girl I told disappeared shortly after. Due to stupidity and COVID making civil cases close in my country (completely asinine to classify civil lawsuits as not essential) it's been a year and a half without seeing my baby. Anyway the thing is... I just don't know how to tell her. I've seen people on Reddit critique people Not telling others Inmediately that they have kids. I understand that, it's taking away some important piece of information. It's just...it's hard for me to say because I can't even say "I'm J and I have a son that I see on Tuesdays" it's "I'm J and I have a son that's not legally my son and I have seen off and off because the mother decided that if we weren't getting married I wouldn't see him so I'm saying her and it's been more a year since I last saw him, and my favorite color is blue, what's your name? Pleasure to meet you " I feel I need to form a connection before I can say those things but then....when I form that connection, for the first time since so long ago who I feel I have a connection with. I don't know how or when to tell her. I feel I need to tell her, but I also enjoy feeling this happiness of getting to know her and flirting for once in years and wish it could last a little bit longer. Even if we end up not actually dating. And I guess in overthinking because he haven't even kissed. She tells me everyday how happy she is to have met me and that she loves spending time with mem we are very touchy and hug a lot but nothing more so far. We are planning to go next week to a small colorful town near the city, which would be the perfect place to ask her to be my girlfriend if I wasn't in this situation, but now I'm even considering cancelling it. Because to make matters worse it turns out her father abandoned her family so there's like a related trauma. Would it be so bad to wait until at least I have the happiness of kissing her? I'm going to see her tomorrow I don't know if I should just tell her before the trip and just end ir there. I think it would be unfair for her to tell her during the trip but at the same time I want this to last just a little bit more. The funny thing is when I met her a couple of months ago she had a long distance relationship but it seems that ended because she hasn't mentioned that ever again not to me and not to or coworkers but I guess there's the small chance that she sees me as just a friend that she holds hands with and is going to share a bath with on a single room Airbnb next week. So I guess we'd need to clarify that.... but to be honest, even though we haven't kissed everyone that has seen us/ heard anything hat we do say it's just obvious and it's getting harder to keep playing fool. . I don't know if I should tell her now, or to wait. It's obviously going to change our relationship. I don't want to be in this situation, so I cannot blame her if she doesn't want to be in this situation and I cannot blame her. In any case I'm just unsure on what to do or how to handle these situation. I need some clarity in my mind and I don't feel I'll be able to get it on my own | ||
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LegalLord
United Kingdom13775 Posts
On December 16 2021 05:36 [Phantom] wrote: In any case I'm just unsure on what to do or how to handle these situation. I need some clarity in my mind and I don't feel I'll be able to get it on my own Pragmatically, it's probably best to have the "fundamental incompatibilities" talk sooner rather than later, and it's pretty clear that you know that. Whatever the result is, it's usually better than the alternative. On a personal note, damn if it doesn't sting if you do go about that and it ends poorly. I remember one girl I was particularly fond of, who was fairly religious and of a different faith than I in a way that could potentially be a serious compatibility issue. I felt it'd be better to be upfront about it and talk through it. And maybe it was, but as it happened she never treated me the same after that and stopped talking to me entirely within a couple weeks. I'd be lying if I said I weren't still bitter about it many years later. I'm not sure that really helps you, in that it really does suck if you go about it the "right" way and get a bad result, almost as if you're punished for your honesty. It really sounds like if you don't talk about this (and for that matter, any other big compatibility items you should cover at the same time), it will remain a weight over your head, and if it doesn't work out that's worse. As you say, you more or less already know you should talk about it. The only real advice I could give is that you shouldn't feel shame for having an ongoing shitty custody battle. That kind of thing happens, and while it's definitely something to bring up in some form (the "having a kid" part is the bigger story here IMO), don't frame it like some deep defect of your character. It absolutely doesn't have to be; you can be perfectly honest by just sticking to the facts. | ||
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mahrgell
Germany3943 Posts
I can fully understand that this is not something you want to put in your opener, when meeting someone for the first time. It is also something that doesn't need to be told when you are just looking to get laid or other temporary fun times. But it is something that should be out there before you initiate something that could be interpreted as something that aims to least some time. And when you talk about the happiness you may miss out by telling her early, lets just say that the way up and down are of equal length  The higher you rise, the harder you fall, if it should end. So if this is really unacceptable for her, you are sparing yourself a lot of pain.And in the end, I believe your current timing would not be the worst when it comes to maximizing your chance of a successful response. Earlier may have scared her away before you had any chance of impact and later can make you look like a traitor who played games. And with that in mind, you can assume that if she says No now, she would have said No at any other time too. Then that is simply something that has to be accepted. But focus yourself on the success! You don't want to end it. You don't want to tell her this, so she ends, but you want to tell her this so this does not negatively impact you later. You want you two as a couple to be a success and thats why you choose openness now instead of looking for some short-term benefits. So when talking about it, be confident and be clear about what you are after. A success! A lot of people in similar situations throw away everything by either an overload of self-pity("oh, my situation is the worst") and/or defeatism.("you will refuse me anyway") in the hopes of getting a Yes out of pity. It just does not work and if it does, it won't last long. Its a bit like in sports: You see some star make some crazy move, and afterwards they are asked, if they were afraid of the ridicule if they failed (because thats what would be expected from such a move), but they will always answer that they only thought of the jubilations if they succeeded. Be such a star. Go for the crazy move and make it PS: Regardless of how bad your opinion of your ex is... It is okay to state that you feel fully in the right there, etc. But don't go overboard with shitting on her That's like people excessively shitting on their old employer or similar. This always rubs of to the perceived image of them. | ||
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[Phantom]
Mexico2170 Posts
On December 16 2021 05:36 [Phantom] wrote: I hate my situation. I don't know what to do. Or I guess I do and just don't want to accept it. I met this girl at a new job. We have talked and seen each other in a few "dates" now and it's been great. We really are compatible and I feel a connection I haven't had in a while. The problem is....I have a child (I'm in my twenties). Not only that, I'm in a legal battle with the mother for custody/parenting rights because she stole the baby (long story). [...] Hello So I thought I would give an update regarding my previous post here. Today seemed fitting. We're dating. She didn't care about it and was very understanding. I didn't know she would take it that well, and I'm glad she did. So far it's been great, we seem to be very compatible with similar goals. There are a couple of things that worry me regarding our future, but they are all external factors so what will be will be. But I'm glad I met her and I'm glad I listened to you guys. I wish you all luck and a happy day. | ||
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JimmyJRaynor
Canada16766 Posts
On February 15 2022 01:43 [Phantom] wrote: Hello So I thought I would give an update regarding my previous post here. Today seemed fitting. We're dating. She didn't care about it and was very understanding. I didn't know she would take it that well, and I'm glad she did. So far it's been great, we seem to be very compatible with similar goals. There are a couple of things that worry me regarding our future, but they are all external factors so what will be will be. But I'm glad I met her and I'm glad I listened to you guys. I wish you all luck and a happy day. Great News. For the future, do you think you are too much "inside your own head" about this? Overanalyzing perhaps? If so, things i do to break the cycle of overthinking and overanalyzing include weight lifting and playing sports. Anything requiring physical attention to detail can do it. Nothing like loading up my squat rack with hundreds of pounds of weights to knock me out of a perpetual theorycrafting cycle.  All this said, unfortunately, for the situation you are dealing with there will never be a perfect formula. | ||
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tavop
6 Posts
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PearlSchneider
United States3 Posts
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Acrofales
Spain18049 Posts
On February 18 2022 18:01 PearlSchneider wrote: Thanks for the comments. This helped me figure out my problem. Is your problem that you're a soulless adbot? | ||
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mahrgell
Germany3943 Posts
Just that your stone cold rejection ruined it again  It is not bad as the other bots, Why do the humans only fall for the awful bots, but reject the nice ones? #nicebots | ||
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Clbull
United Kingdom1439 Posts
Last time I posted here, I was a 27 year old virgin. I'm now 32, virginity still intact. Since then I've been in two relationships, a brief one with a lady who had no personality and was very distant (this was the last woman I kissed, over four years ago), and the other with someone who was never intimate with me and in retrospect was blatantly using me for my money. The latter woman tried to get back together with me recently, and I agreed to meet with her for a meal. Her face immediately dropped when I insisted on splitting the bill afterewards, and she blocked me hours later so... bullet dodged?🤷 Online dating is worse than ever. Almost every online dating app is owned by Match Group or Bumble Inc and have been enshittified into Tinder clones that try to sucker you into paying exorbitant amounts for a subscription. I'm actually in the middle of an experiment where I paid for a three month sub to Hinge X to see if it improves my chances. The plan is to do a blog post or YouTube video detailing my findings, and so far I'm inclined to say online dating is a scam. A month in and hundreds of likes sent later, I get a grand total of two matches, two brief conversations, ghosted by one, unmatched by another. Getting feedback on my profile has also been really hard. One subreddit doesn't allow profile reviews at all, another two are modded by jerks who remove my posts because I violated hidden rule #263, i.e. /r/hingeapp, who removed it because apparently I need to use the app far more frequently, even though their sidebar, wiki and FAQ mention nothing about this in their rules. One thing that isn't helping me is the lipoma that's been growing on my neck. Unfortunately, the NHS won't remove it because it's not cancerous and out of the two private skin clinics I got in touch with, one refused to even offer me a consultation insisting the NHS should remove it, and the other wants me to travel to London and pay an extra £70 just for a consultation. Oh the joys of our underfunded healthcare system. | ||
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