EPTFor some odd reason I decided to look through my old blogs. I guess, it is just one of those days, when I feel down for no particular reason. It’s one of those days, when I feel stuck. I feel like every day is exactly the same and has been forever. I feel like there is no progress at all in my life…. Well, I could not have been any more wrong…
My last blog has been over eight years ago. And oh boy, it is cringe as hell! As a matter of fact, reading my old blogs feels like an entirely different person has written them. The negativity, the pessimism, the self-hatred… It is honestly eye-opening to take a look at one’s past self and see the changes that have happened afterwards.
I’d say one of my biggest issues was the constant feeling of inadequacy. Having been a student for what feels like an eternity was soul-crushing. Not only was I enrolled as a university student for way over 10 years, but I also got kicked out of one major for not showing up to one exam three times. As a bonus later on, I failed a bachelor thesis in my second major for simply not handing in anything… Well, today, I can look back at a finished master degree in my second major. I never managed to bring myself to properly study like normal people do, but I still managed to get that degree. Yes, it was on knife’s edge, but I achieved it. I was always too lazy to study properly, and I always felt like I should not show up to an exam if not properly prepared. For better or worse, instead of changing my habits, I changed my mindset: Go to the exam no matter what, and simply do the bare minimum to pass. For my masters, I studied on average for about 8 hours for an exam… starting from nothing – I never managed to bring myself to go to a lecture or any other session. The most I studied for an exam was just shy of 13 hours… the least was just above 4 hours… Well, I do not remember jack-shit from my studies, but I have the degree!
Another reason, why I used to feel inadequate, was my finances. It’s not like I was ever starving. However, simply getting by may have been alright with 20, not so much with 30… Well, now (and for the past 3 years) I have a somewhat well-paying job. It may be only marginally over the median income but for somebody with a deplorable cv that was still a “student” with 30, it is not half bad!
Browsing my old blogs, I noticed that my former girlfriend was a common theme. Pining over a girl that was essentially a “consolation prize” and that I intended to break up with ever since we got together, is obviously pointless… but I still did… for years... I do not have anything bad to say about her. She was a great gal, but this does not change the fact that we had nothing in common and that it would have never worked out with us long-term.
So where do I stand now?
I am way more optimistic than I used to be 8 years ago! And this applies to every aspect of my life!
I have not met the love of my life yet. Still single… still hoping to find true love… The difference with 8 years ago is that now I feel extremely optimistic about my prospects. Reason #1 is that I feel better than then, and that I feel like I look better than back then. I always felt like I was too fat, and I probably was (and I may still be, but I do not feel like that anymore). In my last blog, I noted that I had finally hit 95.x kg. Well, that did not last for too long… I have been living the yo-yo effect for over a decade, non-stop… However, I have been in the double digits for over a year already, which had last happened before I hit 20. I simply feel prettier than I ever remember after high school.
Reason #2 is a colleague of mine. A stunningly beautiful woman expressed interest in me! There were a handful of dreamy dates. It did not work out in the end. And yes, it did bum me out that she broke it off. However, simply being desired by what I consider a perfect woman, was enough to boost my self-confidence to outer space any beyond. Additionally, I do not have any regrets about how it went about! I feel like I gave my best and acted my best. It not working out was not due to my mistakes, but simply because we were looking for different things.
Another reason for being optimistic for the future is my job prospects. As I mentioned, my educational achievements were far from exemplary. Objectively, I was a lazy bum that did the very least to secure myself a degree. And I always felt like this attitude and way of acting held me back in my job as well. I could write an entire paragraph about all the games I completed while “working” from home… Nevermind, the series I watched and all the reddit scrolling I did… I honestly do not think that I did an acceptable job at work… Well… I guess, I was too harsh on myself!? Being the lazy ass I am, I stuck with this job, despite the company going down-hill and there being no prospects of any increase in salary. That’s me… Basically, all the colleagues I worked with closely, decided to move on. It turns out that not one, not two, but four of them (including my soon to be former boss) want to continue working with me! They all extended offers to me to move to their new employers! I’m sure I was lazy, but I guess, I wasn’t doing too bad of a job!
All being said, the relevant difference between me, now and my former self some 8 years ago, is that I simply feel different than I used to. The major difference is my mindset! I used to feel like a failure, but now I feel like the future holds many great opportunities! I used to feel ugly, but now I feel desirable! And it does not matter if my current point of view is correct or not. What matters is that my current point of view makes me feel good!
