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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On September 24 2015 18:45 waffelz wrote:
How similar is playing the double bass to playing the cello?
To make it short (since this thread should be about dating, not about instruments :p):
On September 24 2015 18:45 waffelz wrote:
If I am able to play one, would I also be able to play the other
Yup
On September 24 2015 18:45 waffelz wrote:
at a similar level?
Nope (assuming your level is > 0)
When I started out, I was too small for a real double bass, so I started on a modified cello. Double bass CAN have one more string but usually doesn't. Theoretical knowledge of the strings and generally on how things work, your hearing, feeling for rhythm etc. does transition. The technique for both hands is different though, not just because of the different position the instrument is played in, but also due to a different bow. And last but not least the double base is more frequently used as a rhythmic element than the cello is.
So yeah, you will be able to get some tunes out of the other instrument, but it won't be on the same level without training.
Now, back to dating stories please 
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We continued talking and about two days ago she asked if I wanted to see her again which I again said yes to. She said she was unsure if I wanted to. Anyway, I got a date on Sunday now. We're playing billiard and drinking beer I'm assuming.
We've been texting quite a bit and the banter level is pretty decent so far and she is fun to talk to. I'm afraid this could turn out be a deja vu of the first tinder girl I met though. I liked talking to her as well but I didn't really fall for her looks so I didn't go for it. I guess we'll see though, I haven't seen how she looks in normal clothes maybe she is cute as fuck.
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[QUOTE]On September 24 2015 18:45 waffelz wrote:
[QUOTE]On September 24 2015 18:15 Fi0na wrote:
 I'm a double bass player [/QUOTE]
If I am able to play one, would I also be able to play the other at a similar level?
[QUOTE]
Well, you'd only be able to play classical music. In jazz, where the double bass can really make or break the music and is more than background noise, it's fingered, not bowed.
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On September 24 2015 21:21 bloodwhore~ wrote:
We continued talking and about two days ago she asked if I wanted to see her again which I again said yes to. She said she was unsure if I wanted to. Anyway, I got a date on Sunday now. We're playing billiard and drinking beer I'm assuming.
We've been texting quite a bit and the banter level is pretty decent so far and she is fun to talk to. I'm afraid this could turn out be a deja vu of the first tinder girl I met though. I liked talking to her as well but I didn't really fall for her looks so I didn't go for it. I guess we'll see though, I haven't seen how she looks in normal clothes maybe she is cute as fuck.
Nice, sounds good!
Tinder =/= dating any other girl. (It's still that friend's friend right, or did I miss something?)
Just try to be open minded during the whole event. Discarding her because of her appearance in your head, will take a toll on the date in general (a.k.a. she will notice).
She is as cute as you see her to be. (oke, there's ofcourse exceptions, but I'm highly biased in a good way towards Swedish girls, so I'm expecting an 8 here).
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On September 24 2015 22:24 WonnaPlay wrote:
Tinder =/= dating any other girl. (It's still that friend's friend right, or did I miss something?)
Just try to be open minded during the whole event. Discarding her because of her appearance in your head, will take a toll on the date in general (a.k.a. she will notice).
She is as cute as you see her to be. (oke, there's ofcourse exceptions, but I'm highly biased in a good way towards Swedish girls, so I'm expecting an 8 here).
Nope I didn't know this girl existed before we climbed. This was through the "Yik Yak" app hehe :D. Kind of strange way to meet someone but whatever. Yeah I'll of course try to be open minded. She was like a 6-7? Swedish standards.
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On September 24 2015 22:41 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On September 24 2015 22:24 WonnaPlay wrote:
Tinder =/= dating any other girl. (It's still that friend's friend right, or did I miss something?)
Just try to be open minded during the whole event. Discarding her because of her appearance in your head, will take a toll on the date in general (a.k.a. she will notice).
She is as cute as you see her to be. (oke, there's ofcourse exceptions, but I'm highly biased in a good way towards Swedish girls, so I'm expecting an 8 here). Nope I didn't know this girl existed before we climbed. This was through the "Yik Yak" app hehe :D. Kind of strange way to meet someone but whatever. Yeah I'll of course try to be open minded. She was like a 6-7? Swedish standards.
So like an 8-9 anywhere else?
+ Show Spoiler +
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On September 24 2015 23:01 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:So like an 8-9 anywhere else? + Show Spoiler +
I don't know, maybe 8 everywhere else? The tinder chick I was almost banging was like a 7-8 swedish standards. Her lips, so delicious.
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On September 24 2015 23:07 bloodwhore~ wrote:I don't know, maybe 8 everywhere else? The tinder chick I was almost banging was like a 7-8 swedish standards. Her lips, so delicious.
Mind your language. I've been banned for much less.
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On September 24 2015 23:39 DickMcFanny wrote:Show nested quote +On September 24 2015 23:07 bloodwhore~ wrote:On September 24 2015 23:01 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:So like an 8-9 anywhere else? + Show Spoiler + I don't know, maybe 8 everywhere else? The tinder chick I was almost banging was like a 7-8 swedish standards. Her lips, so delicious. Mind your language. I've been banned for much less.
What are you referring to? "banging"?
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On September 24 2015 23:01 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Show nested quote +On September 24 2015 22:41 bloodwhore~ wrote:On September 24 2015 22:24 WonnaPlay wrote:
Tinder =/= dating any other girl. (It's still that friend's friend right, or did I miss something?)
Just try to be open minded during the whole event. Discarding her because of her appearance in your head, will take a toll on the date in general (a.k.a. she will notice).
She is as cute as you see her to be. (oke, there's ofcourse exceptions, but I'm highly biased in a good way towards Swedish girls, so I'm expecting an 8 here). Nope I didn't know this girl existed before we climbed. This was through the "Yik Yak" app hehe :D. Kind of strange way to meet someone but whatever. Yeah I'll of course try to be open minded. She was like a 6-7? Swedish standards. So like an 8-9 anywhere else? + Show Spoiler +
more like a 4-5 in Prague? 
By the way I listened to a podcast by a former PUA and even he suggests to drop the scale completely, basically go by "she attracts me yes/no" and treat all women that do the same way.
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On September 25 2015 05:21 LemOn wrote:Show nested quote +On September 24 2015 23:01 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:On September 24 2015 22:41 bloodwhore~ wrote:On September 24 2015 22:24 WonnaPlay wrote:
Tinder =/= dating any other girl. (It's still that friend's friend right, or did I miss something?)
Just try to be open minded during the whole event. Discarding her because of her appearance in your head, will take a toll on the date in general (a.k.a. she will notice).
She is as cute as you see her to be. (oke, there's ofcourse exceptions, but I'm highly biased in a good way towards Swedish girls, so I'm expecting an 8 here). Nope I didn't know this girl existed before we climbed. This was through the "Yik Yak" app hehe :D. Kind of strange way to meet someone but whatever. Yeah I'll of course try to be open minded. She was like a 6-7? Swedish standards. So like an 8-9 anywhere else? + Show Spoiler + more like a 4-5 in Prague? By the way I listened to a podcast by a former PUA and even he suggests to drop the scale completely, basically go by "she attracts me yes/no" and treat all women that do the same way.
Agreed. I've heard of guys casually objectifying and ranking girls by looks, but I've never heard a serious discussion over giving girls numbers. Or at least, a discussion that I've ever taken seriously.
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I've been with my girlfriend almost 4 months now. She's my first girlfriend, first sexual encounter, first kiss. Seeing as this was and is all new to me, in my naiveté I asked her about saying 'I love you' on holiday last month. I knew I had strong feelings for her, but (cliché), I didn't know what 'loving somebody' in that sense meant. Ofcourse I love my close family, but other than that I don't think I have anybody I would describe as more than 'I'm very fond of you'.
So I told her this, and she told me that she sees saying 'I love you' to a romantic partner as more of a 'I'll love you forever' thing. There have been things in her past that make her a bit cynical towards the concept of love and trusting sombody completely like that, and I fully understand. She has no problem saying it to her friends, but I guess that's very different from feeling it for your SO.
Now, in the last month, things have changed. My feelings for her are getting stronger and stronger, and where I didn't know what 'I love you' felt like before, during our last two perfect days together I had the urge to say it. Her actions indicate that her feelings are getting stronger as well and that some of her walls are starting to crumble, but I very much doubt she'd say it back if I did tell her.
So now the question becomes, do I censor myself because I know she'll likely won't say it back and it'll make it awkward for the both of us? I honestly don't know if I'll be able to deal with her not saying it back (I have a history with insecurity, and while it's mostly gone it has still manifested itself sometimes in this new part of my life). At the same time, it puts pressure on her that I'm not sure I want to put on her. She has commitment-phobia to some degree. On the other hand, I should be able to say something I feel, right? I kind of fear saying it will change (potentially for the worse) what we have right now, because it has felt perfect the last weeks.
As a bit of extra background. We're both 26, she had had multiple LTR and was even engaged a few times. She moved to my country from a very strict orthodox country, and she was basically pressured into those engagements by societal norms.
Yours truly from our last mascot virgin 
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I think you should say it if you feel like saying it and if you can handle that she doesn't say it back. I don't think it's a valid argument not to say it just because she 'gets pressured'. If shit crashes down just because you said "I love you" and she doesn't say it back the relationship was never going to last anyway.
But what do I know, I'm still a PIV virgin.
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On September 25 2015 16:24 Mikau wrote:
I've been with my girlfriend almost 4 months now. She's my first girlfriend, first sexual encounter, first kiss. Seeing as this was and is all new to me, in my naiveté I asked her about saying 'I love you' on holiday last month. I knew I had strong feelings for her, but (cliché), I didn't know what 'loving somebody' in that sense meant. Ofcourse I love my close family, but other than that I don't think I have anybody I would describe as more than 'I'm very fond of you'.
You are right that if she is your first girlfriend, you don't really have a clue what "love" really means until you have been with someone for a really long time where you really got to know them. Your feelings for her will most likely grow even stronger then now if things go well.
So I told her this, and she told me that she sees saying 'I love you' to a romantic partner as more of a 'I'll love you forever' thing. There have been things in her past that make her a bit cynical towards the concept of love and trusting sombody completely like that, and I fully understand. She has no problem saying it to her friends, but I guess that's very different from feeling it for your SO.
Now, in the last month, things have changed. My feelings for her are getting stronger and stronger, and where I didn't know what 'I love you' felt like before, during our last two perfect days together I had the urge to say it. Her actions indicate that her feelings are getting stronger as well and that some of her walls are starting to crumble, but I very much doubt she'd say it back if I did tell her.
Your situation is pretty similar to the one I am in at the moment, only with reversed roles where I am the one who takes the whole "I love you" super serious and doesn't say it. Instead I tell her what would translate to "I am in love with you". Maybe you should offer this to your girlfriend as an alternative she could say to you since it would be true while also not conflicting with her believes. Don't demand her to say it to you, but either ask if that is a phrase she feels comfortable with - maybe she just didn't thought about it. Or just simply use it yourself and see how she responds. At least here, it would have the perfect meaning your girlfriend might search for: It states strong feelings without the inclination of eternity.
About her not having any difficulties to say it to friends: It is in a different context. Also, does she really say "I love you" to them, or just something similar? Here in germany we have "Ich liebe dich" for "I love you", but some tell really good friends "Ich habe dich lieb" which sounds very similar to a point where people forget that it has a completely different meaning. "Ich habe dich lieb" is a display of a deep platonic affection. There are also people who say "I love you" to friends, but again, context. Don't let yourself get unsettled by that.
So now the question becomes, do I censor myself because I know she'll likely won't say it back and it'll make it awkward for the both of us? I honestly don't know if I'll be able to deal with her not saying it back (I have a history with insecurity, and while it's mostly gone it has still manifested itself sometimes in this new part of my life). At the same time, it puts pressure on her that I'm not sure I want to put on her. She has commitment-phobia to some degree. On the other hand, I should be able to say something I feel, right? I kind of fear saying it will change (potentially for the worse) what we have right now, because it has felt perfect the last weeks.
As a bit of extra background. We're both 26, she had had multiple LTR and was even engaged a few times. She moved to my country from a very strict orthodox country, and she was basically pressured into those engagements by societal norms.
Try "I am in love with you". Don't pressure her, but try to find a way where you also feel comfortable. In the worst case, you can use describing your affection for her as a substitute. "I love you" is really just a empty phrase as long as you are unable to replace it with a huge list of things that you love about your partner and that attracts you and as soon as you have that, there is plenty to say besides "I love you" .
If there is a moment where you are astonished by her beauty, tell her. If there is a moment where you feel incredibly comfortable just by having her near you, tell her. All those things often work even better then the classic "I love you". It would probably better to stay away from statements like "I want to be with you forever" though as they share the taste of eternity which your girlfriend doesn't seem comfortable with at this point.
Yours truly from our last mascot virgin
Finally! I was about to dig through the whole thread to figure out who our former mascot was.
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On September 25 2015 16:24 Mikau wrote:I've been with my girlfriend almost 4 months now. She's my first girlfriend, first sexual encounter, first kiss. Seeing as this was and is all new to me, in my naiveté I asked her about saying 'I love you' on holiday last month. I knew I had strong feelings for her, but (cliché), I didn't know what 'loving somebody' in that sense meant. Ofcourse I love my close family, but other than that I don't think I have anybody I would describe as more than 'I'm very fond of you'. So I told her this, and she told me that she sees saying 'I love you' to a romantic partner as more of a 'I'll love you forever' thing. There have been things in her past that make her a bit cynical towards the concept of love and trusting sombody completely like that, and I fully understand. She has no problem saying it to her friends, but I guess that's very different from feeling it for your SO. Now, in the last month, things have changed. My feelings for her are getting stronger and stronger, and where I didn't know what 'I love you' felt like before, during our last two perfect days together I had the urge to say it. Her actions indicate that her feelings are getting stronger as well and that some of her walls are starting to crumble, but I very much doubt she'd say it back if I did tell her. So now the question becomes, do I censor myself because I know she'll likely won't say it back and it'll make it awkward for the both of us? I honestly don't know if I'll be able to deal with her not saying it back (I have a history with insecurity, and while it's mostly gone it has still manifested itself sometimes in this new part of my life). At the same time, it puts pressure on her that I'm not sure I want to put on her. She has commitment-phobia to some degree. On the other hand, I should be able to say something I feel, right? I kind of fear saying it will change (potentially for the worse) what we have right now, because it has felt perfect the last weeks. As a bit of extra background. We're both 26, she had had multiple LTR and was even engaged a few times. She moved to my country from a very strict orthodox country, and she was basically pressured into those engagements by societal norms. Yours truly from our last mascot virgin
So here is how I would attempt to do it:
+ Show Spoiler +If you really feel that way, pick a good spot to say romantic stuff, tell her that you do love her. But don't stop there, tell her that you really just want her to know your true feelings for her, and that this is not about getting an "i love you" back from her or forcing any commitment. Tell her also why you love her. What characteristics you like, her looks, her behaviour. Don't leave her hanging after saying "i love you".
Please note that I might be completely wrong with this, and I don't want to be responsible for a good relationship to break apart because I gave bad advice, so just take it as an opinion
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On September 25 2015 17:22 bloodwhore~ wrote:
If shit crashes down just because you said "I love you" and she doesn't say it back the relationship was never going to last anyway.
Nonononononono. Never underestimate the negative effect previous relationships can have, especially when the new one is in a very fresh state (which 4 month is to me). He said that she had some bad experiences about committing too early, even where engaged a few times out of pressure. Chances are that this is a way bigger issue to her as it seems to an outsider and could have been going on for quite some time, so he really does not want to make her feel confined. It is vital to figure out first how she feels about this. Does she feel pressured by the statement since she knows he would like for her to say the same? Is she fine with it as long as she is not forced to say "I love you" too? I am sure at some point she will be ready to say it back, but it can take a long time to get there.
Never ever ever ever discard a problem of your partner as trivial, especially when it originates from previous relationships, no matter how little it seems.
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I should also note that we have spent a week last month barely talking because she felt an urge to flee when we talked about the future. She told me I didn't necessarily move too fast, something just struck a nerve and it took her a while of being alone to figure out whether to continue. Like I said, it feels like (and she has told me) that that's in the past and our (her) feelings are stronger than ever. For this reason too I'm scared to move too fast, even though I seriously doubt it'll make her relive this it still might. And as Waffelz says, that's something I shouldn't underestimate and be thoughtful of.
As for the using alternative terms, we already do that. I have told her on multiple occasions that she makes me happy, that I'm in love with her and that I have 'strong feelings for her' (which is a bit of a running joke between us). She has reciprocated and said all of these on her own too. I have no doubt she feels very strongly for me. I also don't *think* she'll have a problem with me saying it, but she still might, which in light of the above might have horrible results.
On September 25 2015 17:38 Fi0na wrote:Show nested quote +On September 25 2015 16:24 Mikau wrote:I've been with my girlfriend almost 4 months now. She's my first girlfriend, first sexual encounter, first kiss. Seeing as this was and is all new to me, in my naiveté I asked her about saying 'I love you' on holiday last month. I knew I had strong feelings for her, but (cliché), I didn't know what 'loving somebody' in that sense meant. Ofcourse I love my close family, but other than that I don't think I have anybody I would describe as more than 'I'm very fond of you'. So I told her this, and she told me that she sees saying 'I love you' to a romantic partner as more of a 'I'll love you forever' thing. There have been things in her past that make her a bit cynical towards the concept of love and trusting sombody completely like that, and I fully understand. She has no problem saying it to her friends, but I guess that's very different from feeling it for your SO. Now, in the last month, things have changed. My feelings for her are getting stronger and stronger, and where I didn't know what 'I love you' felt like before, during our last two perfect days together I had the urge to say it. Her actions indicate that her feelings are getting stronger as well and that some of her walls are starting to crumble, but I very much doubt she'd say it back if I did tell her. So now the question becomes, do I censor myself because I know she'll likely won't say it back and it'll make it awkward for the both of us? I honestly don't know if I'll be able to deal with her not saying it back (I have a history with insecurity, and while it's mostly gone it has still manifested itself sometimes in this new part of my life). At the same time, it puts pressure on her that I'm not sure I want to put on her. She has commitment-phobia to some degree. On the other hand, I should be able to say something I feel, right? I kind of fear saying it will change (potentially for the worse) what we have right now, because it has felt perfect the last weeks. As a bit of extra background. We're both 26, she had had multiple LTR and was even engaged a few times. She moved to my country from a very strict orthodox country, and she was basically pressured into those engagements by societal norms. Yours truly from our last mascot virgin So here is how I would attempt to do it: + Show Spoiler +If you really feel that way, pick a good spot to say romantic stuff, tell her that you do love her. But don't stop there, tell her that you really just want her to know your true feelings for her, and that this is not about getting an "i love you" back from her or forcing any commitment. Tell her also why you love her. What characteristics you like, her looks, her behaviour. Don't leave her hanging after saying "i love you". Please note that I might be completely wrong with this, and I don't want to be responsible for a good relationship to break apart because I gave bad advice, so just take it as an opinion
If and when I do decide to say it I'll do it similar to what you described here. I'm not going to just let it be out there to create an awkward moment, and I'll make very sure she knows that she can say it back if and when she wants to.
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On September 25 2015 18:00 Mikau wrote:
I should also note that we have spent a week last month barely talking because she felt an urge to flee when we talked about the future. She told me I didn't necessarily move too fast, something just struck a nerve and it took her a while of being alone to figure out whether to continue. Like I said, it feels like (and she has told me) that that's in the past and our (her) feelings are stronger than ever. For this reason too I'm scared to move too fast, even though I seriously doubt it'll make her relive this it still might. And as Waffelz says, that's something I shouldn't underestimate and be thoughtful of.
As for the using alternative terms, we already do that. I have told her on multiple occasions that she makes me happy, that I'm in love with her and that I have 'strong feelings for her' (which is a bit of a running joke between us). She has reciprocated and said all of these on her own too. I have no doubt she feels very strongly for me. I also don't *think* she'll have a problem with me saying it, but she still might, which in light of the above might have horrible results.
Communication is key. If it is that big of an issue, ask her how she feels if you say "I love you" to her. Do it in a non-pressuring fashion so she is aware that her answer won't change things for the worse. She might be okay with it as long as you don't expect her to do the same and suddenly what seemed to be a problem is vanished. Otherwise just stick to the alternatives as it seems like it would be okay for you. For her saying it, just wait until she does. Don't ask her if she's ready to say it, but just wait. Silent acceptance is often a strong gesture.
Can't say much about being to fast though as I am the snail of relationships.
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On September 25 2015 18:00 Mikau wrote:I should also note that we have spent a week last month barely talking because she felt an urge to flee when we talked about the future. She told me I didn't necessarily move too fast, something just struck a nerve and it took her a while of being alone to figure out whether to continue. Like I said, it feels like (and she has told me) that that's in the past and our (her) feelings are stronger than ever. For this reason too I'm scared to move too fast, even though I seriously doubt it'll make her relive this it still might. And as Waffelz says, that's something I shouldn't underestimate and be thoughtful of. As for the using alternative terms, we already do that. I have told her on multiple occasions that she makes me happy, that I'm in love with her and that I have 'strong feelings for her' (which is a bit of a running joke between us). She has reciprocated and said all of these on her own too. I have no doubt she feels very strongly for me. I also don't *think* she'll have a problem with me saying it, but she still might, which in light of the above might have horrible results. Show nested quote +On September 25 2015 17:38 Fi0na wrote:On September 25 2015 16:24 Mikau wrote:I've been with my girlfriend almost 4 months now. She's my first girlfriend, first sexual encounter, first kiss. Seeing as this was and is all new to me, in my naiveté I asked her about saying 'I love you' on holiday last month. I knew I had strong feelings for her, but (cliché), I didn't know what 'loving somebody' in that sense meant. Ofcourse I love my close family, but other than that I don't think I have anybody I would describe as more than 'I'm very fond of you'. So I told her this, and she told me that she sees saying 'I love you' to a romantic partner as more of a 'I'll love you forever' thing. There have been things in her past that make her a bit cynical towards the concept of love and trusting sombody completely like that, and I fully understand. She has no problem saying it to her friends, but I guess that's very different from feeling it for your SO. Now, in the last month, things have changed. My feelings for her are getting stronger and stronger, and where I didn't know what 'I love you' felt like before, during our last two perfect days together I had the urge to say it. Her actions indicate that her feelings are getting stronger as well and that some of her walls are starting to crumble, but I very much doubt she'd say it back if I did tell her. So now the question becomes, do I censor myself because I know she'll likely won't say it back and it'll make it awkward for the both of us? I honestly don't know if I'll be able to deal with her not saying it back (I have a history with insecurity, and while it's mostly gone it has still manifested itself sometimes in this new part of my life). At the same time, it puts pressure on her that I'm not sure I want to put on her. She has commitment-phobia to some degree. On the other hand, I should be able to say something I feel, right? I kind of fear saying it will change (potentially for the worse) what we have right now, because it has felt perfect the last weeks. As a bit of extra background. We're both 26, she had had multiple LTR and was even engaged a few times. She moved to my country from a very strict orthodox country, and she was basically pressured into those engagements by societal norms. Yours truly from our last mascot virgin So here is how I would attempt to do it: + Show Spoiler +If you really feel that way, pick a good spot to say romantic stuff, tell her that you do love her. But don't stop there, tell her that you really just want her to know your true feelings for her, and that this is not about getting an "i love you" back from her or forcing any commitment. Tell her also why you love her. What characteristics you like, her looks, her behaviour. Don't leave her hanging after saying "i love you". Please note that I might be completely wrong with this, and I don't want to be responsible for a good relationship to break apart because I gave bad advice, so just take it as an opinion If and when I do decide to say it I'll do it similar to what you described here. I'm not going to just let it be out there to create an awkward moment, and I'll make very sure she knows that she can say it back if and when she wants to.
Whether it's technically "you're moving too fast" or some other discomfort that's being triggered when you bring up the future, just stop bringing up the future for now while she sorts out stuff. That doesn't mean you should stop talking to her though... talk to her about other things- especially things in her life or that she finds interesting- so that she feels more at ease when talking to you and stops unconsciously connecting you to "unresolved issues of the future", which is why you two didn't seem to be talking much.
She should be able to talk to you about a lot of other things, so make sure you're not accidentally convincing her that you two can't have a nice, happy (or venting) conversation without uncomfortable topics coming up. I agree with waffelz when he said communication is key. The willingness to communicate is one of the most important pillars in a strong relationship.
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On September 25 2015 16:24 Mikau wrote:I've been with my girlfriend almost 4 months now. She's my first girlfriend, first sexual encounter, first kiss. Seeing as this was and is all new to me, in my naiveté I asked her about saying 'I love you' on holiday last month. I knew I had strong feelings for her, but (cliché), I didn't know what 'loving somebody' in that sense meant. Ofcourse I love my close family, but other than that I don't think I have anybody I would describe as more than 'I'm very fond of you'. So I told her this, and she told me that she sees saying 'I love you' to a romantic partner as more of a 'I'll love you forever' thing. There have been things in her past that make her a bit cynical towards the concept of love and trusting sombody completely like that, and I fully understand. She has no problem saying it to her friends, but I guess that's very different from feeling it for your SO. Now, in the last month, things have changed. My feelings for her are getting stronger and stronger, and where I didn't know what 'I love you' felt like before, during our last two perfect days together I had the urge to say it. Her actions indicate that her feelings are getting stronger as well and that some of her walls are starting to crumble, but I very much doubt she'd say it back if I did tell her. So now the question becomes, do I censor myself because I know she'll likely won't say it back and it'll make it awkward for the both of us? I honestly don't know if I'll be able to deal with her not saying it back (I have a history with insecurity, and while it's mostly gone it has still manifested itself sometimes in this new part of my life). At the same time, it puts pressure on her that I'm not sure I want to put on her. She has commitment-phobia to some degree. On the other hand, I should be able to say something I feel, right? I kind of fear saying it will change (potentially for the worse) what we have right now, because it has felt perfect the last weeks. As a bit of extra background. We're both 26, she had had multiple LTR and was even engaged a few times. She moved to my country from a very strict orthodox country, and she was basically pressured into those engagements by societal norms. Yours truly from our last mascot virgin
Chill man, it's just 4 months, give her time!
Of course you can say it when you strongly feel it... Just don't expect anything back, and choose a tone that makes it clear, use it mid conversation..."I love you because of...what happened/she did" or "I'm really in love with you right now. So do you feel more like Mexican or Chinese tonigh?" as a statement/like it's no big deal and keep the conversation going.
If I was a betting man I'd bet that you told her I love you and it was as if a Puppy brought the master a stick, was wagging it's tail expecting a scratch behind the ears, otherwise she wouldn't feel the need to justify not saying it back to you.
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EPT
