|
We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On September 21 2015 08:57 LemOn wrote:Show nested quote +On September 20 2015 20:21 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:On September 20 2015 17:40 LemOn wrote:On September 20 2015 06:10 bloodwhore~ wrote:Well I didn't think it of as a date. And I would feel kinda strange telling someone I just go climbing with that I think they have a cute face.  On September 20 2015 14:28 B.I.G. wrote:
Yeah man forcibly throwing a comment like that out there on a first meeting can turn real awkward. Gotta trust our young friend's imstinct to say it at the right time.
BTW I never really complimented a girl on her looks apart from her obviously putting a lot of effort in dressing up so it's not like it's a requirement.. On September 20 2015 15:47 Snotling wrote:On September 20 2015 14:28 B.I.G. wrote:
BTW I never really complimented a girl on her looks apart from her obviously putting a lot of effort in dressing up so it's not like it's a requirement.. I totally agree, especially if a girl hase something obvious to comliment, she has heard it a million times already. I'm in the minority here, but I dislike your guys mindset very much. It's not a strategy, you don't care if it gets awkward, or is a date and I can't see how it can possibly be forcibly throwing it out there or why you should care she'd heard it a million times? Bloodwhore was thinking/feeling she has a cute face. This might sound crazy but how about trying just being your fucking self and express that without expecting anything back or overthinking  True, although I don't know if saying "cute face" is the right way to word it. Depends on the person. She might perceive "cute" to be related to particularly young/ immature/ platonic (like the interpretive difference between "You're so cute" and "You're very pretty/ beautiful" that may exist based on context), so you want to make sure you can predict whether or not she'll actually take the compliment as a compliment or not! The side that I'm arguing is to not try to predict stuff at all actually, just say what you're honestly thinking, and as you do it more and more you'll learn how to express yourself so others understand it better. Show nested quote +On September 21 2015 02:55 B.I.G. wrote:
If the compliment is super spontaneous as in bloodwhore would blurt it out to her as soon as it pops up in his mind she will see/feel that its spontaneous and that could make it endearing in many situations. However the idea of complementing a woman on her looks as a planned approach is just super cheesy and will only work on women that have nothing to offer but their looks. That's not the idea at all, doing it as a strategy trying to elicit a response will lead to awkwardness often (see disclaimer) You can literally never go wrong with honesty imo. Sure, you will lose many many people along the way, but the people that do stick around actually like you for who you are. Show nested quote +On September 21 2015 02:55 B.I.G. wrote:
In general a compliment that is aimed at what someone has done or achieved or in some way had to work for is much better received than a compliment aimed at something you were born with, so why not apply that same logic to women you are interested in dating? I agree it has some merit to find things to compliment that'd make her feel good as in your example, as long as you don't expect anything back. But personally, I date girls for their sexiness, attractiveness, personality, charisma, femininity, intellect... and achievements like degrees etc. come after all these things so I wouldn't really be genuine and when I do use those compliments first it's usually to try to make her like me and respond to me positively. DISCLAIMER: I'm talking truly wanting long term quality relationships here though, long term partners be it girls or friends and stuff. When I'm trying to get laid with high conversion rate - sure I'd suggest trying to pull every manipulative PUA stuff that is designed to make her feel and respond a certain way out of the hat, pick the right moments to do/say stuff, choose the right compliments, hold back your opinions that don't get you closer to scoring... The more you practice these, the better you can predict their responses, pick the right moments when the other person wants to hear something and will react a certain way, and you can get loads of pussy that way, absolutely nothing wrong with that and it's a great lifestyle, I had a lot of fun with it too ...for a while.
Yeah I wasn't talking about making an intentional move as a PUA... I was talking about making sure you treat someone with respect and not piss them off with a comment you make, even if it's intended to be a compliment. I think B.I.G. was referring to that as well, although I can't speak for him.
As in, honesty is often times the best policy, but that doesn't mean you have to blurt out every thought that comes across your mind Just a matter of considering the consequences of what you're about to say.
I think it's especially useful if you're out with someone who you truly care about/ might lead to a long term quality relationship, as you've mentioned. Being thoughtful and tactful with your rhetoric goes a long way, including when you're about to give someone a compliment (or a critique, obviously). If you offend someone and your response is "Hey don't blame me; I'm just being honest", that rarely makes anyone feel better.
|
On September 21 2015 12:13 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Show nested quote +On September 21 2015 08:57 LemOn wrote:On September 20 2015 20:21 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:On September 20 2015 17:40 LemOn wrote:On September 20 2015 06:10 bloodwhore~ wrote:Well I didn't think it of as a date. And I would feel kinda strange telling someone I just go climbing with that I think they have a cute face. On September 20 2015 14:28 B.I.G. wrote:
Yeah man forcibly throwing a comment like that out there on a first meeting can turn real awkward. Gotta trust our young friend's imstinct to say it at the right time.
BTW I never really complimented a girl on her looks apart from her obviously putting a lot of effort in dressing up so it's not like it's a requirement.. On September 20 2015 15:47 Snotling wrote:On September 20 2015 14:28 B.I.G. wrote:
BTW I never really complimented a girl on her looks apart from her obviously putting a lot of effort in dressing up so it's not like it's a requirement.. I totally agree, especially if a girl hase something obvious to comliment, she has heard it a million times already. I'm in the minority here, but I dislike your guys mindset very much. It's not a strategy, you don't care if it gets awkward, or is a date and I can't see how it can possibly be forcibly throwing it out there or why you should care she'd heard it a million times? Bloodwhore was thinking/feeling she has a cute face. This might sound crazy but how about trying just being your fucking self and express that without expecting anything back or overthinking True, although I don't know if saying "cute face" is the right way to word it. Depends on the person. She might perceive "cute" to be related to particularly young/ immature/ platonic (like the interpretive difference between "You're so cute" and "You're very pretty/ beautiful" that may exist based on context), so you want to make sure you can predict whether or not she'll actually take the compliment as a compliment or not! The side that I'm arguing is to not try to predict stuff at all actually, just say what you're honestly thinking, and as you do it more and more you'll learn how to express yourself so others understand it better. On September 21 2015 02:55 B.I.G. wrote:
If the compliment is super spontaneous as in bloodwhore would blurt it out to her as soon as it pops up in his mind she will see/feel that its spontaneous and that could make it endearing in many situations. However the idea of complementing a woman on her looks as a planned approach is just super cheesy and will only work on women that have nothing to offer but their looks. That's not the idea at all, doing it as a strategy trying to elicit a response will lead to awkwardness often (see disclaimer) You can literally never go wrong with honesty imo. Sure, you will lose many many people along the way, but the people that do stick around actually like you for who you are. On September 21 2015 02:55 B.I.G. wrote:
In general a compliment that is aimed at what someone has done or achieved or in some way had to work for is much better received than a compliment aimed at something you were born with, so why not apply that same logic to women you are interested in dating? I agree it has some merit to find things to compliment that'd make her feel good as in your example, as long as you don't expect anything back. But personally, I date girls for their sexiness, attractiveness, personality, charisma, femininity, intellect... and achievements like degrees etc. come after all these things so I wouldn't really be genuine and when I do use those compliments first it's usually to try to make her like me and respond to me positively. DISCLAIMER: I'm talking truly wanting long term quality relationships here though, long term partners be it girls or friends and stuff. When I'm trying to get laid with high conversion rate - sure I'd suggest trying to pull every manipulative PUA stuff that is designed to make her feel and respond a certain way out of the hat, pick the right moments to do/say stuff, choose the right compliments, hold back your opinions that don't get you closer to scoring... The more you practice these, the better you can predict their responses, pick the right moments when the other person wants to hear something and will react a certain way, and you can get loads of pussy that way, absolutely nothing wrong with that and it's a great lifestyle, I had a lot of fun with it too ...for a while. Yeah I wasn't talking about making an intentional move as a PUA... I was talking about making sure you treat someone with respect and not piss them off with a comment you make, even if it's intended to be a compliment. I think B.I.G. was referring to that as well, although I can't speak for him. As in, honesty is often times the best policy, but that doesn't mean you have to blurt out every thought that comes across your mind Just a matter of considering the consequences of what you're about to say. I think it's especially useful if you're out with someone who you truly care about/ might lead to a long term quality relationship, as you've mentioned. Being thoughtful and tactful with your rhetoric goes a long way, including when you're about to give someone a compliment (or a critique, obviously). If you offend someone and your response is "Hey don't blame me; I'm just being honest", that rarely makes anyone feel better.
There is not much difference between PUA really, in both cases you are trying to modify and censor your behavior to achieve a goal and get a response from her. I believe if you truly want a lifetime partner then especially initially with women it's important that you actually do "blurt out every thought that comes across your mind", without considering the consequences. The idea here is that you want a girl that is completely compatible with you, with whom you build an honest base of a relationship from the get go and you get emotionally invested only with people that you actually can "blurt out anything" and they respect it.
You are there not to try to predict what makes her feel good, you are there to see if she's a person that honestly can accept you just the way you are, and if you offend her you can actually say "It's okay if you blame me, that's how I feel and if you don't like it, that's okay too, I won't hide who I am from you".
It's really hard to choose a correct lifetime partner, look at the huge divorce rates and super low satisfaction in marriages that do last. If you really are looking for someone you can spend you lifetime with then having to modify your behavior/hold back how you feel in the initial months where the aid of attraction is high in the honeymoon period doesn't bode well for managing the difficulties that come 1,5,10,30 years down the line. The idea is that you quickly drive away all women that are not compatible with the raw you, and get emotionally invested only with the ones that truly strongly are.
If it means offending hundreds of women with what you are thinking/feeling, and potentially being alone forever, until you find someone where you both can be really honest and accept each other from the get go, then so be it. But if you consistently put who you are out there I think there's someone for everyone, even if it's one in a 10000 women, no matter how fucked up your thoughts are
|
On the other side of that coin is the fact is that a lasting relationship is something built by and actively contributed to by both partners. That also means challenging your own beliefs and stances in relationship to your partner constantly, instead of desperately clinging to your 'true' self.
As always, a balance between the two is crucial, and difficult  .
|
On September 21 2015 20:49 solidbebe wrote:On the other side of that coin is the fact is that a lasting relationship is something built by and actively contributed to by both partners. That also means challenging your own beliefs and stances in relationship to your partner constantly, instead of desperately clinging to your 'true' self. As always, a balance between the two is crucial, and difficult .
This. Unless you ALWAYS just blurt out whatever nonsense passes through your mind, doing so on a date is actually consciously changing your behavior pattern. Just as acting as a PUA is. I prefer to keep my random stray thoughts to myself. My gf is quite okay with me checking out hot girls who walk by, but I am quite certain she doesn't need, or want to hear my stream of consciousness about them. Nor do you have to blurt out that you just remembered you forgot to send a report at work: that shit is boring! It is boring even to you! Why bore someone else too?
Especially as she might even consider it insulting that your mind is wandering while she is talking to you about something else.
Basically: you are not Jim Carey in Liar Liar...
|
So I moved abroad and agreed to an LDR before I did.
The first weekend out I did really well (though probably more because I was repulsed by the goods I was offered and because I was afraid to get STDs).
Second weekend, a girl offers me a historical tour of the capital and a place to stay for the night, naturally I agree, she turns out to be the perfect girl, I'm super attracted to her, her bed is tiny, I lie awake the whole night because I can't do anything...
In short: LDRs suck balls. It's only been two weeks and I'm already going insane.
|
On September 23 2015 00:45 DickMcFanny wrote:
So I moved abroad and agreed to an LDR before I did.
It's never to late to back out of it. How long are you gone for?
|
|
|
On September 23 2015 00:45 DickMcFanny wrote:
So I moved abroad and agreed to an LDR before I did.
The first weekend out I did really well (though probably more because I was repulsed by the goods I was offered and because I was afraid to get STDs).
Second weekend, a girl offers me a historical tour of the capital and a place to stay for the night, naturally I agree, she turns out to be the perfect girl, I'm super attracted to her, her bed is tiny, I lie awake the whole night because I can't do anything...
In short: LDRs suck balls. It's only been two weeks and I'm already going insane.
You agreed to stay at the girls' house? If you are in a serious relationship, why would you even consider that? If you aren't, why not just break it off, instead of trying long distance.
|
Yeah, why wouldn't I? We even shared a bed. But I'm not an animal, just because want something, doesn't mean I take it and consequences be damned.
|
On September 23 2015 01:13 DickMcFanny wrote:
Yeah, why wouldn't I? We even shared a bed. But I'm not an animal, just because want something, doesn't mean I take it and consequences be damned.
Well the question is really if your girlfriend knows about it and is actually okay with it. If she is, then everything's fine.
If she isn't, and you are in a serious relationship, then why would you?
|
If I told her beforehand, she'd probably freak the fuck out because she'd think I'd do something.
Let's just say she's not as confident in my mind over matte approach as I am.
|
On September 23 2015 01:32 DickMcFanny wrote:
If I told her beforehand, she'd probably freak the fuck out because she'd think I'd do something.
Let's just say she's not as confident in my mind over matte approach as I am.
If you feel like you need to hide it, then it's definitely not okay I think.
I feel you should be able to tell anything you do to your partner. If that isn't the case then something is going wrong, either on your side, her side, or both.
So, I definitely think you should talk about it.
|
On September 23 2015 01:32 DickMcFanny wrote:
If I told her beforehand, she'd probably freak the fuck out because she'd think I'd do something.
If she would freak out about it then she probably isn't okay with it... and if you still do it it's cheating => You should break up.
|
On September 23 2015 02:15 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On September 23 2015 01:32 DickMcFanny wrote:
If I told her beforehand, she'd probably freak the fuck out because she'd think I'd do something. If she would freak out about it then she probably isn't okay with it... and if you still do it it's cheating => You should break up.
wtf?! Are you seriously suggesting to break up, because his girlfriend might have some doubts?
@DickMcFanny: They are right, if you feel like you have to hide it, you shouldn't have done it in the first place. You have to make up your mind, if you really want to stick to the long distance relationship, then you have to work stuff out. It is necessary that you keep in mind that it is difficult for your girlfriend too. Don't know anything about you/her/your relationship, but I feel the right way to approach this is to tell her. Be honest, tell her you haven't thought it through at the time and didn't fully consider how she might feel about this. Tell her that nothing happened and that you will keep her concerns in mind in the future if needed. You also could hide it of course, but it seems like an issue that is worth talking about as even if it wouldn't had happened, your girlfriend probably already worried about these kind of scenarios. Assuming you really want to stick to the relationship of course.
|
What waffelz said, but having done a 1 1/2 year LDR myself that only barely survived (and by barely, I mean very very very very very nearly didn't), you have to ensure that she knows you're committed.
The absolute most important thing in an LDR is to keep the communication going. Keep talking to each other about your day, and how life is there. If you two enjoy it, do cybersex. I find it weird and uncomfortable, but it can really help. But the most important thing is that you keep talking, and imho hiccups like this are important: do you want to do that again? Share a girl's bed? If you do, you need to talk that out with your girlfriend, because you need to be honest and set boundaries you are both okay with. If you don't plan on repeating it ever again, then don't bring it up and don't create unnecessary doubts, imho. You can tell her about it when you're back together.
|
I'm a year and a half into what is going to be a 3 year LDR. If it's that easy for you to be attracted to others your LDR-GF is not the right person for you. Just my 2 cents.
|
Maybe monogamy is not for you.
|
On September 23 2015 08:25 Acrofales wrote:
What waffelz said, but having done a 1 1/2 year LDR myself that only barely survived (and by barely, I mean very very very very very nearly didn't), you have to ensure that she knows you're committed.
The absolute most important thing in an LDR is to keep the communication going. Keep talking to each other about your day, and how life is there. If you two enjoy it, do cybersex. I find it weird and uncomfortable, but it can really help. But the most important thing is that you keep talking, and imho hiccups like this are important: do you want to do that again? Share a girl's bed? If you do, you need to talk that out with your girlfriend, because you need to be honest and set boundaries you are both okay with. If you don't plan on repeating it ever again, then don't bring it up and don't create unnecessary doubts, imho. You can tell her about it when you're back together.
100% agree. My fiancee and I were in a long distance relationship for basically the entire 9 years before we got engaged (different schools in high school, different states in undergrad/ grad school- usually around 2-4 hours away from each other), and it was all about communication and really making the most out of the occasional times we could see each other.
You also need to be able to trust each other.
|
On September 23 2015 06:47 waffelz wrote:
wtf?! Are you seriously suggesting to break up, because his girlfriend might have some doubts?
I'm saying he should tell his girlfriend and if she considers it to be cheating he should break up. From what he has told us here he doesn't really give a shit about the relationship.
If you don't plan on repeating it ever again, then don't bring it up and don't create unnecessary doubts, imho. You can tell her about it when you're back together.
Definitely not this. If she considers it to be cheating then it's wrong to wait a year to tell her. In bird culture, this is considered a dick move. Even though they didn't have sex or even kiss, it's a huge violation of trust to most people. Why would she trust him when he got in bed with a girl at the first possible chance and why should she want spend a year in a relationship which would be long over if she knew that he cheated. She could have gotten over him.
|
I hate that you guys are right...
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
