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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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B.I.G.
3251 Posts
Stop making up excuses not to give a girl a chance. Unless you have something better going on just try. 90 km is nothing by the way, easily can spend the weekend together. Also have to say that I think it's a bit weird how your friend would get upset. Maybe it's because he is tired of you shooting down every girl before you even have given her a chance or that his gf is really putting pressure on him to set you guys up. Anyway I would just give it a try. | ||
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
2 seems the only real concern, 3 I would say you can ignore until proven. Yeah I agree that I should ignore the attractive part. You're right though, I'm making far to many assumptions so early. My major concern is definitely the distance. Even though she might be amazing I still have a few thousand potential girls to date where I live. 90 km is nothing by the way, easily can spend the weekend together. Also have to say that I think it's a bit weird how your friend would get upset. Maybe it's because he is tired of you shooting down every girl before you even have given her a chance or that his gf is really putting pressure on him to set you guys up. Well if the distance is above a certain length I feel like it doesn't matter that much. Like 90km and 150 km wouldn't be so much different since I can't really travel to her over the day. I think it would be like 1.5 hour travel time, and the idea of just spending weekends together doesn't sound great to me. I'd like to be able to sleep at her place casually or cook dinner together etc. I think you're right about it might be because I shot it down so fast. He thought I was really hasty when I told the girl before that I just wanted to be friends which I myself think was a dumb move in hindsight. But yeah, I will give her a chance. | ||
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waffelz
Germany711 Posts
On September 13 2015 17:09 bloodwhore~ wrote: Yeah I agree that I should ignore the attractive part. You're right though, I'm making far to many assumptions so early. My major concern is definitely the distance. Even though she might be amazing I still have a few thousand potential girls to date where I live. I was more thinking about practical chances, not theoretical. Sure you haven’t already dated all the girls in a 89,9999...km radius. Because you won’t. At the moment she seems the best bet as it seems. Well if the distance is above a certain length I feel like it doesn't matter that much. Like 90km and 150 km wouldn't be so much different since I can't really travel to her over the day. I think it would be like 1.5 hour travel time, and the idea of just spending weekends together doesn't sound great to me. I'd like to be able to sleep at her place casually or cook dinner together etc. Think about it this way: depending in which stage of your life you both are at the moment, it could be quite realistic seeing her “only” once a week, so it might not even be that noticeable. Long distance relationships also have the benefit of each of you having enough space. I don’t remember if you already had a serious relationship, but if you don’t, many find themselves a bit confined by a normal relationship. I have to admit that all this is a bit optimistic of course since she could ask herself the same questions, but still. I think you are right with giving it a try - it won’t hurt and if things go well and this turns into something really serious I am sure you will figure stuff out eventually  | ||
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
Think about it this way: depending in which stage of your life you both are at the moment, it could be quite realistic seeing her “only” once a week, so it might not even be that noticeable. Long distance relationships also have the benefit of each of you having enough space. I don’t remember if you already had a serious relationship, but if you don’t, many find themselves a bit confined by a normal relationship. Yeah I got two years left for my master. According to my stalking of her facebook she studied at my university before and my friend told me she works now. Sure once a week could be enough but I'd it would suck if it isn't. I just haven't really heard any good things about long distance relationships. I have to admit that all this is a bit optimistic of course since she could ask herself the same questions, but still. Yeah I agree, I'm just thinking of the "best case scenario" type deal, she likes me and I like her but do I like her enough to go LDR? | ||
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waffelz
Germany711 Posts
On September 13 2015 19:02 bloodwhore~ wrote: Yeah I agree, I'm just thinking of the "best case scenario" type deal, she likes me and I like her but do I like her enough to go LDR? You might find it out Admittedly I've also always been very pessimistic regarding long distance relationships, but I also always thought about an even more serious distance under that term. Distances/Circumstances that lead to feeling lucky if you can see your partner twice a month or during holidays/vacation. Without trying you will never know. Plus these type of relationships got a lot easier with the invention of skype/videochat in general  .EDIT: Also, you kind of remind me of my friend I talked about in previous posts. You went from "nah" to "will try, but idk" to "what if it works but fails?". I feel like you should relax a bit and worry less, at least as long as you haven't even met her. | ||
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HotShizz
France710 Posts
On September 13 2015 19:02 bloodwhore~ wrote: Yeah I got two years left for my master. According to my stalking of her facebook she studied at my university before and my friend told me she works now. Sure once a week could be enough but I'd it would suck if it isn't. I just haven't really heard any good things about long distance relationships. Yeah I agree, I'm just thinking of the "best case scenario" type deal, she likes me and I like her but do I like her enough to go LDR? Where do you live? 90 km on the expressway is like 45 minutes. Probably the same by a regular slow transit train. I'm not trying to change your mind or question your decision. You're a big boy, you can figure out your own life. Just wondering because 90 km is manageable more than once per week assuming you have any good transportation options in your region. | ||
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waffelz
Germany711 Posts
You own a farm with some land. You suspect a bear is living on you land and want to shoot it because it might kill your Is there a bear? If yes, get to know him. Now you can think about your next steps. It might be a cool bear. Now check, how do you guys get along with each other? You find out you and bear are soulmates and damn, that furry ass is hawt. Engage into a serious relationship with the bear. Make passionate love with the bear. Let the passion between you and the bear grow, whenever you go out to visit him/he comes to visit. Figure out if you want to move into/closer to the bears cave or if he move in with you/closer to you. Happy End. This is your order of operation : D | ||
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DickMcFanny
Ireland1076 Posts
No idea how to make contact with anyone in this situation. ._. | ||
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
Where do you live? I live in a smaller city in Sweden. If I had infinite money LDR wouldn't be as big of a problem. However going back and fourth cost about 400 KR ~ 48 USD. Which is a lot of money for a poor student. Analogy: This must be the worst analogy I've seen  , pretty funny though. | ||
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HotShizz
France710 Posts
On September 13 2015 19:49 DickMcFanny wrote: I just moved to a foreign country, I don't understand a word anyone is saying, and I feel like everyone is immediately suspicious of me, like they can tell I'm foreign before I even open my mouth. No idea how to make contact with anyone in this situation. ._. what country did you move to? obviously you speak English well so that's a plus. Most people either know some or want to learn for work etc. I don't know how it is in whatever country you moved to but in France, at least, and I imagine in most other European countries, there are sites you can go to to find local people that want to learn English so you go to a bar or coffee shop or just voice chat online and teach each other for free. I'm an American, I've been living in France for a little over 4 years, and when I got here I couldn't really speak more than saying "hello." You won't be fluent in a couple of days but by a couple of months of really immersing yourself in the culture you'll be surprised how much you've learned! So, couple of points, first don't be afraid to try, people will be way more likely to make an effort if they see you are, don't just rely on most people understanding some English, try to not say anything in English unless you absolutely must or if you are just home by yourself, you'll need the relaxation of your mother tongue after stressing your brain all day. Second, don't just learn the words, try to mimic the accent to the best of your abilities. After a couple of months people didn't realize I was a foreigner from my accent but just the cadence of my speech, the musicality I use compared to natives. Third be happy to be foreign. It's so cool to move to a new country! How many people really have the courage to drop everything and take a risk like that? Try to force yourself to have conversations with locals even if its just asking for directions or ordering a meal, and if you don't understand don't feel awkward or pretend you do, tell them you don't understand and ask them again or what does that mean. You won't learn by being timid. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States45070 Posts
There's no problem with going on a first date, right? Take a chance, you never know Maybe you two will click and you'll find that it's worth it to drive. | ||
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waffelz
Germany711 Posts
On September 13 2015 20:36 bloodwhore~ wrote: This must be the worst analogy I've seen , pretty funny though.Yeah... I do love casual racism, I am on strong painkillers at the moment and sleep-deprived because I ate something that seem to hinder the painkilling from my painkillers but not the “weeeeeeeeee”… so I am still ok. And you seem to take it lightly . But it wasn’t that bad, step by step and we do have a say here in germany "Don’t sell the pelt of a bear you haven’t killed yet." I’m so much cooler offline  @DickMcFanny: Learning the native language seems like a no-brainer. Depending on the country, there should be language courses available, often ones that are especially for people that moved for work. This way you would have a group of people that are in a similar situation which seems like a good start. Be careful as being alone in a foreign country can be quite difficult, especially if it’s a serious change in culture. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States45070 Posts
On September 13 2015 19:02 bloodwhore~ wrote: Yeah I got two years left for my master. According to my stalking of her facebook she studied at my university before and my friend told me she works now. Sure once a week could be enough but I'd it would suck if it isn't. I just haven't really heard any good things about long distance relationships. Yeah I agree, I'm just thinking of the "best case scenario" type deal, she likes me and I like her but do I like her enough to go LDR? Let me put it this way: I've been with the same girl since high school... through college and our graduate/ doctoral degrees, and we just finished all our education and now have jobs. And throughout 8 of the last 9 years that we were together, she and I lived more than 90 km away. Now we're engaged, just booked a venue, and can finally live together. So there's certainly a way to do it, if you and her think it's worthwhile. | ||
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DickMcFanny
Ireland1076 Posts
On September 13 2015 20:38 HotShizz wrote: what country did you move to? obviously you speak English well so that's a plus. Most people either know some or want to learn for work etc. I don't know how it is in whatever country you moved to but in France, at least, and I imagine in most other European countries, there are sites you can go to to find local people that want to learn English so you go to a bar or coffee shop or just voice chat online and teach each other for free. I'm an American, I've been living in France for a little over 4 years, and when I got here I couldn't really speak more than saying "hello." You won't be fluent in a couple of days but by a couple of months of really immersing yourself in the culture you'll be surprised how much you've learned! So, couple of points, first don't be afraid to try, people will be way more likely to make an effort if they see you are, don't just rely on most people understanding some English, try to not say anything in English unless you absolutely must or if you are just home by yourself, you'll need the relaxation of your mother tongue after stressing your brain all day. Second, don't just learn the words, try to mimic the accent to the best of your abilities. After a couple of months people didn't realize I was a foreigner from my accent but just the cadence of my speech, the musicality I use compared to natives. Third be happy to be foreign. It's so cool to move to a new country! How many people really have the courage to drop everything and take a risk like that? Try to force yourself to have conversations with locals even if its just asking for directions or ordering a meal, and if you don't understand don't feel awkward or pretend you do, tell them you don't understand and ask them again or what does that mean. You won't learn by being timid. I do speak English well, never had any problems in the US or England, but I can't understand the Irish for the life of me. Thank you for the friendly advice, I will try and be more positive tomorrow. Living by the sea is definitely worth some adjustment. | ||
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Fi0na
0 Posts
On September 13 2015 09:28 waffelz wrote: 2 Questions. In a relationship, when do you usually start to share personal problems with your partner? Dealt with an uncomfortable story this Friday and it was kind of showing. She asked what’s up and I told her she shouldn’t worry, which is true since it doesn’t really affect me or her. I wouldn’t mind sharing, especially since I know some stuff from her and this is in general how this stuff goes, I am just not sure if it isn’t a bit early, story will be below. She asked, but I don’t think she expect this/ in general it would seem reasonable to start with minor stuff at first, especially if you are a relative new couple. I have to admit that my perception what qualifies as "minor" also got shifted a lot over the years. Look at it from her point of view. She meets you, you are clearly upset. Is it about her? Did she do anything wrong? Can she help you with anything? Those are the questions on her mind. She doesn't need to know any details (technically she doesn't need to know anything), but just shutting her out by telling her it has nothing to do with her doesn't fully answer those questions for her, especially when you are clearly upset over the problem until the next day even. It shows her that you don't trust her and makes her have a bad time. So I believe it is important to at least share the basics. Tell her just enough that she can safely assume that it is not about her without you having to tell it to her face. I'm fairly certain she would understand your feelings (I would probably say as much: an alcoholic irresponsible aweful mother disappeared for 6 days without notice to go drink and left her mostly underaged kids unattended and uninformed which gets you worked up). Your GF then will most likely ask a couple of questions that cumulate in her trying to find out if it is her place to help you help them, which is where you tell her that it is okay and that she hasn't to do so, you only wanted to share what's bothering you so much. This will not only satisfy your GF, but also help you find peace of mind when you are troubled. About your friend: If I understand the situation correctly he has really low self-confidence. He doesn't need training talking to women or a hobby first, he needs to be able to be okay with who he is with or without girlfriend. Dating is an emotional rollercoaster, and without confidence you are so easily falling in love with every girl that smiles at you, no matter how far she is from the type of person you are really looking for. But finding a girl shouldn't be about finding someone to give you confidence. So if you want to help your friend, help him improve his self-confidence and being satisfied with who he is. Now that he is far away that's pretty difficult though. There is the fast track (making him work for something he can be proud of, for example going to the gym), but that is a double-edged sword (basing your self-confidence upon your physical prowess/improvement fails when confronted with people that just have a better body, or when you are not making much visible progress for quite some time, or when people de-valuate physical appeareance by saying stuff like "I'm not into buff guys at all"). The long way would be to slowly build him up with compliments, mixing in compliments about him when talking to other people without being ironic, excitement to spend time with him etc. It is hard work and I don't think you can manage that over a longer distance at all. But once he does have self-confidence and doesn't need a girl, he will be able to choose more selectively about who he is going out with. And not set off huge red flags for every girl he goes out with, because if there is one thing that repels women it is a lack of self-confidence. Maybe he will find someone, maybe not. Life is not fair (yup that's my own bitterness talking :p). In case my read of your friend is wrong (which might be possible given I only know a few lines of text) and he is a happy naive guy that does have self-confidence, then all there is to do is finding an equally naive (note I don't mean "naive" in a negative or condescending way, but you know what I mean. I admire people who go through life with less sorrows than others) girl. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States45070 Posts
On September 13 2015 21:08 DickMcFanny wrote: I do speak English well, never had any problems in the US or England, but I can't understand the Irish for the life of me. Thank you for the friendly advice, I will try and be more positive tomorrow. Living by the sea is definitely worth some adjustment. As shown by your name Good luck though... a smile goes a long way to break the ice | ||
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Acrofales
Spain18124 Posts
On September 13 2015 19:43 waffelz wrote: Analogy: You own a farm with some land. You suspect a bear is living on you land and want to shoot it because it might kill your Is there a bear? If yes, get to know him. Now you can think about your next steps. It might be a cool bear. Now check, how do you guys get along with each other? You find out you and bear are soulmates and damn, that furry ass is hawt. Engage into a serious relationship with the bear. Make passionate love with the bear. Let the passion between you and the bear grow, whenever you go out to visit him/he comes to visit. Figure out if you want to move into/closer to the bears cave or if he move in with you/closer to you. Happy End. This is your order of operation : D you forgot the bit where, if the bear is still eating your mooses, you shoot it. | ||
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westgun
Germany14 Posts
It's like 1) Online Dating 2) Pickup with openers/routines 3) pickup with radical polarizing honesty (mostly using situational "openers" but it really means you are just yourself and present to your surroundings) and If you just step up, go to the girl you see/like and just fucking start talking, she can show to you that she is interested aswell, play the mindgame with you, instead of alone. OR she can show you she is NOT interested and you can start moving on. In my experience, this is what girls hate most; Guys who show interest, but don't do anything about it. (this is applicable to probably everywhere). Girls still want to be WOO'd, no matter how emancipated they are, no matter in which time we live. They want YOU to do effort for them, because they deserve that. In general women are much more caring and loving than us men, so it's only a matter of time, before they will WOO you back. give advice regarding the first point, while things like He needs a hobby. Seriously. Or a strong focus on his schoolwork/ job/ clubs/ anything else. He needs to take his mind off trying to find a girl. And it's obviously difficult for him to stop thinking about, since other people have been making him feel bad about being a virgin/ not having girlfriends, but fuck them. Impress upon him that sometimes you run into a relationship when you're not actively trying, because you're more relaxed and not being such a sweaty tryhard around the ladies all the time. The level of social anxiety and pressure he's feeling is clearly not helping, and it's almost certainly harming him. and If I understand the situation correctly he has really low self-confidence. He doesn't need training talking to women or a hobby first, he needs to be able to be okay with who he is with or without girlfriend. Dating is an emotional rollercoaster, and without confidence you are so easily falling in love with every girl that smiles at you, no matter how far she is from the type of person you are really looking for. But finding a girl shouldn't be about finding someone to give you confidence. promote the second point. As I see it, the second point tries to help improve one's self, something that one can work on alone so to speak, while the first point is something that only works if the other person plays along so to say ("It takes two to tango" comes to mind ). Now, am I overthinking this and these two points are actually different stages to fixing the overall issue, or are these two points fixes to two different issues? Or are these two really conflicting pieces of advice? | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States45070 Posts
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Nemireck
Canada1875 Posts
On September 13 2015 22:56 westgun wrote: So in this thread it seems to me that there are two somewhat conflicting pieces of advice. On one side you have the people who advocate just putting yourself out there and see where that leads, while on the other hand you have those who promote stepping up your own self confidence and self improvement. ... As I see it, the second point tries to help improve one's self, something that one can work on alone so to speak, while the first point is something that only works if the other person plays along so to say ("It takes two to tango" comes to mind ). Now, am I overthinking this and these two points are actually different stages to fixing the overall issue, or are these two points fixes to two different issues? Or are these two really conflicting pieces of advice? New to the thread, but I've been reading and I'll pipe in here. The two points complement each other. On the one hand, yes, it's fantastic to just put your self out there and see what happens. However, if you lack self confidence and have low self-esteem, putting yourself out there is a scary thing and, if you get up the balls to try it, can leave you feeling worse when you crash and burn. (See? I finally tried and still got rejected, what's the point?) From my personal experience, it was key to practice both of these pieces of advice simultaneously. It was important for me to put myself out there and experience that rejection and awkwardness because regular exposure to it made me realize it really wasn't so bad. As opposed to occasional exposure, where it stung because each circumstance seemed like a rare opportunity that I had just wasted. In many ways, I can closely relate to bloodwhores posts in this thread because so much of his first-response to opportunities presented, remind me of my own responses from the before time. Being a virgin in my mid-20's, and dealing with the self-esteem issues I had, I regularly dismissed amazing opportunities to mask the fact that I was petrified of letting a girl down in bed who was probably expecting more from a 27 year old male. After all, if I rejected the opportunity, it wasn't because I was "scared", it was because she was too fat, or too skinny, or annoying, or smoked, or lived 20 minutes away, or lived too close, or worked with me, or was in my class, or... or... or... You get the point. So a few things had to happen, I needed the confidence to put myself out there more often, removing the stress that comes with experiencing something that's not familiar. Once I did that I could EXPERIENCE a situation, learn from it, and gain more confidence that I was prepared the next time a similar situation presented itself. One mantra that helped me along was "You've been saying 'No' you're entire life, it's time to try 'Yes'." More regular exposure made me realize those opportunities weren't actually so rare, I just wasn't even trying most of the time. In other words, I began to take responsibility for the fact that I wasn't giving myself the opportunities I claimed I wanted, and began to act on my desires more and more. Combining the self-improvement along with regularly putting myself "out there" allowed me to identify areas where I was actually experiencing improvement, and areas that still needed serious work. It kinda worked like this: At first I wouldn't even ask a girl's name! So that became a thing, any time I'd see a girl I was interested in, I'd at LEAST ask her name and introduce myself as well. This allowed me to "put myself out there" and also work on my confidence issues when it came to meeting girls I was interested in. On the self-improvement side, I began just asking the name of ANYONE I spoke to during the day, regardless of interest. On the "put yourself out there side" I was then able to ensure I could use that "skill" every time I met a girl that interested me. Once that became comfortable it was "Shit, you're getting their names, now you need to man up and follow up with these girls, time to get contact info!" Ideally, a phone number, but I took email, facebook, her Myspace from 12 years ago, I didn't care, that wasn't the point. The point was I needed the option available to TRY to ask these girls out. So I began asking for numbers from girls that interested me, but also those that seemed interested in me. So that started working, only one problem... I would never follow up and ask them out! So on to the next step! Finally started asking girls out, and quickly realized that girls actually seemed to like spending time with me! But I'd date a girl for a month, have great chemistry, conversation, tons of fun, but be too scared to even put my arm around her while watching a movie at my place. That sucked, but shit, I got to date a girl for a month and things were going pretty well, shoulda made a move! So the next girl comes along, I get my arm around her on the SECOND date! But shit, still too scared to even try to move in for that kiss, so she's gone in 2 months. But I made a (small) move! Improvement! Gotta go in for that kiss next time you pussy! So the next girl comes along, and BAM, date 3 kiss! And so on and so forth. Each opportunity to put myself out there left me feeling MORE confident, even though it took like 5 different girls to even get to a first kiss. While things didn't go as well as I wanted, there was steady, gradual improvement that left me feeling better about myself after each attempt, and to focus my "Me-time" on achieving my next goal. I hope that long spiel helps to answer your question! | ||
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