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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On September 11 2015 23:37 bloodwhore~ wrote:
The whole "be yourself" doesn't say shit in my opinion. You probably mean confident, flirty etc etc. I mean some people are autistic and weird as fuck and they probably should NOT be themselves if they want to pick up girls.
I disagree with this very much, the last step, the pinnacle of approach towards your life is truly being yourself, knowing what you are feeling, being present to your surroundings... and then expressing it honestly, only then you can have truly quality relationships and be really happy.
Being able to honestly express stuff like ... "Wow, I feel awkward right now, you are attracting me so that that you're making me nervous and I don't even know what to say"... "It's been a while and and I want this so much that my boner's gone from the pressure" Being okay with silence, rejection, awkwardness itself... and owning it.
This is the difference between the old PUA community (results oriented)
And the new wave of menprovement, the way self-help is going these days - authenticity, focusing on process rather than the result. Rejection is okay, it should be welcome, you should ideally be exactly who you are, express it, and be okay with rejection and losing people, which there will be tons of inevitably as finding 2 truly compatible people is super hard (look at divorce rates). Paradoxically, you invite more quality people in your life that way, and it's a truly liberating feeling that you could have literally done nothing differently with the girls you approached as you just expressed yourself - it takes anxiety away as well.
But getting to that stage takes time and practice, that's why going with tinder=>openers/routines=>working your way towards authenticity should be a natural route for most people. And the more you put yourself out there, the better you become at this naturally.
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On September 11 2015 23:37 bloodwhore~ wrote:
The whole "be yourself" doesn't say shit in my opinion. You probably mean confident, flirty etc etc. I mean some people are autistic and weird as fuck and they probably should NOT be themselves if they want to pick up girls.
I can't tell if you actually mean autistic, or are just saying it because it's a thing people on the internet say, for reasons. Also, if you don't get what people mean when they say be yourself, try to listen, it sounds vague but they say it for a reason.
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Being yourself is such hogwash. We had this discussion already. Probably when rEvo was still around, so a few hundred(?) pages back. Shouldn't be that hard to find, though, it went on for pages and pages and pages.
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I'd rather say be authentic (your "true self"), and work towards that, rather than being yourself. Cause most people conform to rules, herding, don't express themselves directly, are ashamed of some parts of themselves, the ability to understand and express what you are feeling - most people being "themselves" means they hide their feelings, do or don't do things because it's "normal" etc. and they don't understand themselves in the first place.
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On September 11 2015 23:37 bloodwhore~ wrote:
The whole "be yourself" doesn't say shit in my opinion. You probably mean confident, flirty etc etc. I mean some people are autistic and weird as fuck and they probably should NOT be themselves if they want to pick up girls.
Other than that I mostly agree.
One can certainly learn how to be more confident or flirty or social or talkative, but being fake or dishonest will only bite you in the ass. You might pick up the girl initially because you've tricked them, but you shouldn't be trying to build a relationship based on deceit and not being yourself.
Also, TIL people who are autistic can just magically not be autistic. lol? Besides the fact that you can't just snap your fingers and get over a serious disorder, even if you *could* temporarily hide your identity, it would only lead the person on. It's much more important in the long run to find someone who doesn't mind your flaws (genetic or otherwise) than to try and hide them forever, because they'll eventually come out. Obviously, you don't want to give a girl a laundry list of your flaws on the first date, but you shouldn't need to lie, nor should you not be yourself.
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On September 12 2015 07:40 LemOn wrote:
I'd rather say be authentic (your "true self"), and work towards that, rather than being yourself. Cause most people conform to rules, herding, don't express themselves directly, are ashamed of some parts of themselves, the ability to understand and express what you are feeling - most people being "themselves" means they hide their feelings, do or don't do things because it's "normal" etc. and they don't understand themselves in the first place.
I think that that's exactly what people mean when they say to just be yourself. Be authentic. It's generally not misunderstood (semantically or otherwise) irl nearly as frequently as it's being scrutinized here on TL. Being yourself exactly means to not try to conform to other people's wants and expectations at the expense of your own, because that would be deceitful and lead people on. One should strive to be generally comfortable with one's self.
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On September 12 2015 07:34 Acrofales wrote:
Being yourself is such hogwash. We had this discussion already. Probably when rEvo was still around, so a few hundred(?) pages back. Shouldn't be that hard to find, though, it went on for pages and pages and pages.
Who should you strive to be, then? The ideal image of whatever person you're pursuing? Surely that would be tiring, becoming a relationship chameleon. And you would be far less comfortable and confident than if you were being authentic.
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On September 12 2015 08:40 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Show nested quote +On September 12 2015 07:34 Acrofales wrote:
Being yourself is such hogwash. We had this discussion already. Probably when rEvo was still around, so a few hundred(?) pages back. Shouldn't be that hard to find, though, it went on for pages and pages and pages. Who should you strive to be, then? The ideal image of whatever person you're pursuing? Surely that would be tiring, becoming a relationship chameleon. And you would be far less comfortable and confident than if you were being authentic.
Ugh, page back a couple of hundred pages and see the argument there. You should strive to better yourself in whatever way you see fit. But being yourself is a completely empty term, as who "you" are also depends on the social context. If you have a drinking problem and pick your nose obsessively, that is presumably NOT the side of you you intend to show on a first date, for instance.
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On September 12 2015 10:30 Acrofales wrote:Show nested quote +On September 12 2015 08:40 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:On September 12 2015 07:34 Acrofales wrote:
Being yourself is such hogwash. We had this discussion already. Probably when rEvo was still around, so a few hundred(?) pages back. Shouldn't be that hard to find, though, it went on for pages and pages and pages. Who should you strive to be, then? The ideal image of whatever person you're pursuing? Surely that would be tiring, becoming a relationship chameleon. And you would be far less comfortable and confident than if you were being authentic. Ugh, page back a couple of hundred pages and see the argument there. You should strive to better yourself in whatever way you see fit. But being yourself is a completely empty term, as who "you" are also depends on the social context. If you have a drinking problem and pick your nose obsessively, that is presumably NOT the side of you you intend to show on a first date, for instance.
You mean that stupid argument that being yourself = being a lazy slob who's comfortable with being a lazy slob? That's pretty much a strawman, I don't know why that's being mentioned, I'd think people would prefer it be forgotten.
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On September 12 2015 12:41 NewSunshine wrote:Show nested quote +On September 12 2015 10:30 Acrofales wrote:On September 12 2015 08:40 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:On September 12 2015 07:34 Acrofales wrote:
Being yourself is such hogwash. We had this discussion already. Probably when rEvo was still around, so a few hundred(?) pages back. Shouldn't be that hard to find, though, it went on for pages and pages and pages. Who should you strive to be, then? The ideal image of whatever person you're pursuing? Surely that would be tiring, becoming a relationship chameleon. And you would be far less comfortable and confident than if you were being authentic. Ugh, page back a couple of hundred pages and see the argument there. You should strive to better yourself in whatever way you see fit. But being yourself is a completely empty term, as who "you" are also depends on the social context. If you have a drinking problem and pick your nose obsessively, that is presumably NOT the side of you you intend to show on a first date, for instance. You mean that stupid argument that being yourself = being a lazy slob who's comfortable with being a lazy slob? That's pretty much a strawman, I don't know why that's being mentioned, I'd think people would prefer it be forgotten.
Agreed. Plus, bettering yourself is a completely different argument to begin with. It's fine to sincerely strive to improve on flaws and whatnot, but that's entirely different than being deceitful and acting inauthentically simply to fool people into liking a fake version of yourself, which they'll eventually see through anyway.
I don't think I've ever heard a rebuttal to "Just be yourself" be "But what if you pick your nose?" before now. lol. It's barely worth validating with a response, but whatever.
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I honestly don't think this "be yourself" discussion is going anywhere. Everyone has their own definition. What people mean generally when they say "just be yourself" seems to be an entirely from what you're trying to say.
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Anyway, the rave was awesome. I also found out about the girl my friend is trying to set me up with while talking to my friend there... It's his girlfriends best friend whom I have never met. He has only met her once too. I don't even know why they would try set me up with her, she doesn't even live in the same city. She literally lives 90 km away, and I really do not want to go in to a long distance relationship, feels really dumb. Would be such a real hassle to travel, not to mention expensive. I've learned that some girls are better looking in real but I'm not sure she is my type in the look department either, feels kind of of an asshole thing to say though.
I might go on a date if she really wants to however I have some serious doubts about this. My friend got kind of upset when I told him this too, that I maybe would really like her etc. However my brain does not really work like that, it's far to logical to consider a LDR knowing it most likely will crash and burn.
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The rebbutal to "Be Yourself" is that relating to the other sex and how you portray yourself is a skill that can be learned and improved upon, while "being yourself" is just vague advice.
You don't tell someone who is going into a job interview to "Just be yourself". You don't tell a fat person to "Just be Yourself" to lose weight.
What if someone slouches all the time ? Is that "being yourself?" Not slouching is 100% an attractive trait.
Analogy as a powerlifter/coach: When I teach people to squat, everyone squats differently because of their leverages and strength; I acknowledge that diference. That's their individual technique ("their selves"). However stuff like keeping your abs tight or placing the bar in the symetrically on your back are universally required.
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On September 12 2015 20:42 GoTuNk! wrote:
The rebbutal to "Be Yourself" is that relating to the other sex and how you portray yourself is a skill that can be learned and improved upon, while "being yourself" is just vague advice.
You don't tell someone who is going into a job interview to "Just be yourself". You don't tell a fat person to "Just be Yourself" to lose weight.
What if someone slouches all the time ? Is that "being yourself?" Not slouching is 100% an attractive trait.
Analogy as a powerlifter/coach: When I teach people to squat, everyone squats differently because of their leverages and strength; I acknowledge that diference. That's their individual technique ("their selves"). However stuff like keeping your abs tight or placing the bar in the symetrically on your back are universally required.
I think we can all agree that context is useful for any sort of advice.
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I'm a guy that is reasonably successful in attracting girls but pretty damn bad in keeping them. By now due to my work and way of living I have a comfortable emotionally distant attitude going on. As such I tend not to get romantically invested (has happened before though). But every once in a while I still meet a girl that makes my heart beat faster and makes me all excited. Like the cupcake girl I met today. She was so cute and sweet. Texted with her a bit. I know she doesn't like me like that. That's sad. To be honest if she did I probably had lost interest in her way too fast.Talk about a self destructive cycle.
Oh well, time to move on.
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On September 12 2015 20:42 GoTuNk! wrote:
The rebbutal to "Be Yourself" is that relating to the other sex and how you portray yourself is a skill that can be learned and improved upon, while "being yourself" is just vague advice.
You don't tell someone who is going into a job interview to "Just be yourself". You don't tell a fat person to "Just be Yourself" to lose weight.
What if someone slouches all the time ? Is that "being yourself?" Not slouching is 100% an attractive trait.
Analogy as a powerlifter/coach: When I teach people to squat, everyone squats differently because of their leverages and strength; I acknowledge that diference. That's their individual technique ("their selves"). However stuff like keeping your abs tight or placing the bar in the symetrically on your back are universally required.
The phrase be yourself has connotations attached, it's not a literal phrase meaning be as you are. It's a self-actualization thing, to become the kind of person that can be real with himself and others, and form real bonds with the people around him. If you're acting a different way to get a certain kind of attention, you're not yourself, you're not being real. When someone says to be yourself with a girl, they don't mean to stop showering, let yourself go physically, and then say hey, deal with it. They mean to be real with yourself and others, to bring out the real you when you deal with these people, and to let your character show through. If you wanna talk about hygiene and physique, that's nothing more than a derailment or argument for argument's sake, it has nothing to do with what the phrase really means.
The phrase be yourself has been typically understood as such, that is until I bumped into this thread, where certain people decided to turn it into an unrelated argument.
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2 Questions.
In a relationship, when do you usually start to share personal problems with your partner? Dealt with an uncomfortable story this Friday and it was kind of showing. She asked what’s up and I told her she shouldn’t worry, which is true since it doesn’t really affect me or her. I wouldn’t mind sharing, especially since I know some stuff from her and this is in general how this stuff goes, I am just not sure if it isn’t a bit early, story will be below. She asked, but I don’t think she expect this/ in general it would seem reasonable to start with minor stuff at first, especially if you are a relative new couple. I have to admit that my perception what qualifies as "minor" also got shifted a lot over the years.
[story]
+ Show Spoiler +There is a family I know, single mother with an alcohol problem, 3 kids 2 of which are underage, all 3 still go to school. The drinking problems of the mother tend to come back up once in a while and I often helped out/arranged some help while she was in therapy or some other shit with her was going on. Note that the situation is beyond my abilities to do anything besides helping when there are problems again and has been that way long before I got involved. They all are pretty much used to the usual situation and that’s it. There was some more unusual stuff going on this time. I got a message from one of the kids, asking if I could come by. I occasionally visit so wasn’t to worrying. After that they made clear though that I should come, so I did the next day. Their mother was missing since 6 days without any notification which left them worried. They were about to go to the police, but didn’t wanted to since it could have an unwanted outcome, so they asked me for help. Found their mother the same day, she once again started drinking and where hiding at a colleagues house, not even 15minutes away from her worried children who seriously feared she might be dead as her father already drank himself to death. They already asked him if she knew where she was when she was missing for 4 days, but he straight-out lied to them, just as he did to me only that I am not a fear-driven kid/young adult, called the bluff and went to the house with the 2 daughters since I didn’t knew where it was located. The guy the mother where hiding at acted like he wasn’t there at first, but did a poor job at that. Still told that he didn’t knew where she’s at, but still didn’t made lot of sense. The 2 daughters where sure they heard the voice of their mother, but the guy still insisted she wasn’t there. Returned without the daughters, saw her in the window, shoved the little liar aside and spoke to her, asked what the fuck is wrong and when her kids can expect her to come back. Probably the next day she said. Reminded her about her duties as a mother and tried to explain to the guy why he didn’t helped her at all and why he should have at least told their daughters not to worry. Got back to their home and could only tell that their mother isn’t dead and it is not much worse than the usual shit. Got them some groceries, made dinner and stayed overnight, had someone closer to the family come over the next day as their mother didn’t returned.
I am used to this shit, only that the extreme lack of maturity of both of these adults, quoting the guy the mother was hiding at “what is the problem with her mother being away for just a few days? There is an adult in the house, so what?”. The adult would be a girl that just turned 18, is very emotionally and not that mature. Their mother hadn’t left them any money, no note from her in days, a guy that directly lies to 2 worried girls, that’s what got me as well as the mutuality to parts of my childhood. Wasn’t that burdened by it, but I was notable angry when I got back and didn’t manage to shake it off while meeting my girlfriend. So yeah, despite me not being that conflicted by it, it seemed a bit much to come out of the blue.
Next question.
I am pretty sure a good friend of mine some serious problems regarding his mindset when meeting women. He never had a girlfriend, and the people he was exposed to made sure that he feels the usual “omg, you are 20+ by now and never had a girlfriend/are still a virgin? Dude, you have to change that!” which got the better of him. I assume he seriously pressures himself, whenever he gets on friendly terms with a women, he seems to immediately developing a crush on her and seeing lots of signs which aren’t there, until either things just go away or he gets finally rejected. Once he even got badly burned by the girl bad mouthing him behind his back. He starts university this semester, moved and starts touring bars to meet new people. We speak often as I am his best friend and this week he literally went “I met someone I seriously have great chemistry with -> I might have a girlfriend by tomorrow (actual quote, based purely on the fact that they wanted to meet for dinner, despite only having known each other for a few days) -> Them once again meeting -> straight to: “Well… we just aren’t compatible”, after the second date/time they met, which was either her realizing what he believed and telling him that he is wrong or him realizing it by himself. Not the first time I experienced this but at least it ended quickly and clean this time, which it sometimes didn’t in the past. I am sure someone here is familiar with this in some way, is there anything else he could do to overcome this, despite him just having more casual contact with women so he gets more used to it? He already admitted that he has this kind of problem, even though he was half drunk at the time, and me having a girlfriend again isn’t helping much, so I would like to help fixing this. Admittedly I can’t do much since he lives in a different federal state by now, but I would like to offer more advice than just this one.
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On September 13 2015 04:55 NewSunshine wrote:Show nested quote +On September 12 2015 20:42 GoTuNk! wrote:
The rebbutal to "Be Yourself" is that relating to the other sex and how you portray yourself is a skill that can be learned and improved upon, while "being yourself" is just vague advice.
You don't tell someone who is going into a job interview to "Just be yourself". You don't tell a fat person to "Just be Yourself" to lose weight.
What if someone slouches all the time ? Is that "being yourself?" Not slouching is 100% an attractive trait.
Analogy as a powerlifter/coach: When I teach people to squat, everyone squats differently because of their leverages and strength; I acknowledge that diference. That's their individual technique ("their selves"). However stuff like keeping your abs tight or placing the bar in the symetrically on your back are universally required. The phrase be yourself has connotations attached, it's not a literal phrase meaning be as you are. It's a self-actualization thing, to become the kind of person that can be real with himself and others, and form real bonds with the people around him. If you're acting a different way to get a certain kind of attention, you're not yourself, you're not being real. When someone says to be yourself with a girl, they don't mean to stop showering, let yourself go physically, and then say hey, deal with it. They mean to be real with yourself and others, to bring out the real you when you deal with these people, and to let your character show through. If you wanna talk about hygiene and physique, that's nothing more than a derailment or argument for argument's sake, it has nothing to do with what the phrase really means. The phrase be yourself has been typically understood as such, that is until I bumped into this thread, where certain people decided to turn it into an unrelated argument.
Well said 
On September 13 2015 09:28 waffelz wrote:2 Questions. In a relationship, when do you usually start to share personal problems with your partner? Dealt with an uncomfortable story this Friday and it was kind of showing. She asked what’s up and I told her she shouldn’t worry, which is true since it doesn’t really affect me or her. I wouldn’t mind sharing, especially since I know some stuff from her and this is in general how this stuff goes, I am just not sure if it isn’t a bit early, story will be below. She asked, but I don’t think she expect this/ in general it would seem reasonable to start with minor stuff at first, especially if you are a relative new couple. I have to admit that my perception what qualifies as "minor" also got shifted a lot over the years. [story] + Show Spoiler +There is a family I know, single mother with an alcohol problem, 3 kids 2 of which are underage, all 3 still go to school. The drinking problems of the mother tend to come back up once in a while and I often helped out/arranged some help while she was in therapy or some other shit with her was going on. Note that the situation is beyond my abilities to do anything besides helping when there are problems again and has been that way long before I got involved. They all are pretty much used to the usual situation and that’s it. There was some more unusual stuff going on this time. I got a message from one of the kids, asking if I could come by. I occasionally visit so wasn’t to worrying. After that they made clear though that I should come, so I did the next day. Their mother was missing since 6 days without any notification which left them worried. They were about to go to the police, but didn’t wanted to since it could have an unwanted outcome, so they asked me for help. Found their mother the same day, she once again started drinking and where hiding at a colleagues house, not even 15minutes away from her worried children who seriously feared she might be dead as her father already drank himself to death. They already asked him if she knew where she was when she was missing for 4 days, but he straight-out lied to them, just as he did to me only that I am not a fear-driven kid/young adult, called the bluff and went to the house with the 2 daughters since I didn’t knew where it was located. The guy the mother where hiding at acted like he wasn’t there at first, but did a poor job at that. Still told that he didn’t knew where she’s at, but still didn’t made lot of sense. The 2 daughters where sure they heard the voice of their mother, but the guy still insisted she wasn’t there. Returned without the daughters, saw her in the window, shoved the little liar aside and spoke to her, asked what the fuck is wrong and when her kids can expect her to come back. Probably the next day she said. Reminded her about her duties as a mother and tried to explain to the guy why he didn’t helped her at all and why he should have at least told their daughters not to worry. Got back to their home and could only tell that their mother isn’t dead and it is not much worse than the usual shit. Got them some groceries, made dinner and stayed overnight, had someone closer to the family come over the next day as their mother didn’t returned.
I am used to this shit, only that the extreme lack of maturity of both of these adults, quoting the guy the mother was hiding at “what is the problem with her mother being away for just a few days? There is an adult in the house, so what?”. The adult would be a girl that just turned 18, is very emotionally and not that mature. Their mother hadn’t left them any money, no note from her in days, a guy that directly lies to 2 worried girls, that’s what got me as well as the mutuality to parts of my childhood. Wasn’t that burdened by it, but I was notable angry when I got back and didn’t manage to shake it off while meeting my girlfriend. So yeah, despite me not being that conflicted by it, it seemed a bit much to come out of the blue.
I think it depends on the kind of story you wish to share with them. If it's a temporary, superficial issue, it's probably easier to vent to someone about it than if it's some deep, dark shit. I'd put alcoholism and death and child neglect in the latter category. There's no easy or explicit line that can be drawn where it's *now* okay to talk to someone about hard issues and personal problems, but here would be my two pieces of advice if you're completely clueless on predicting her reaction:
1. You can wait until she shares a similarly serious problem first, which would give you the green light that it's acceptable to talk about those kinds of things.
2. Whenever you feel like you can trust her to listen to you and take your story seriously/ not trivialize the situation.
Next question.
I am pretty sure a good friend of mine some serious problems regarding his mindset when meeting women. He never had a girlfriend, and the people he was exposed to made sure that he feels the usual “omg, you are 20+ by now and never had a girlfriend/are still a virgin? Dude, you have to change that!” which got the better of him. I assume he seriously pressures himself, whenever he gets on friendly terms with a women, he seems to immediately developing a crush on her and seeing lots of signs which aren’t there, until either things just go away or he gets finally rejected. Once he even got badly burned by the girl bad mouthing him behind his back. He starts university this semester, moved and starts touring bars to meet new people. We speak often as I am his best friend and this week he literally went “I met someone I seriously have great chemistry with -> I might have a girlfriend by tomorrow (actual quote, based purely on the fact that they wanted to meet for dinner, despite only having known each other for a few days) -> Them once again meeting -> straight to: “Well… we just aren’t compatible”, after the second date/time they met, which was either her realizing what he believed and telling him that he is wrong or him realizing it by himself. Not the first time I experienced this but at least it ended quickly and clean this time, which it sometimes didn’t in the past. I am sure someone here is familiar with this in some way, is there anything else he could do to overcome this, despite him just having more casual contact with women so he gets more used to it? He already admitted that he has this kind of problem, even though he was half drunk at the time, and me having a girlfriend again isn’t helping much, so I would like to help fixing this. Admittedly I can’t do much since he lives in a different federal state by now, but I would like to offer more advice than just this one.
He needs a hobby. Seriously. Or a strong focus on his schoolwork/ job/ clubs/ anything else. He needs to take his mind off trying to find a girl. And it's obviously difficult for him to stop thinking about, since other people have been making him feel bad about being a virgin/ not having girlfriends, but fuck them. Impress upon him that sometimes you run into a relationship when you're not actively trying, because you're more relaxed and not being such a sweaty tryhard around the ladies all the time. The level of social anxiety and pressure he's feeling is clearly not helping, and it's almost certainly harming him.
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On September 13 2015 10:52 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:
I think it depends on the kind of story you wish to share with them. If it's a temporary, superficial issue, it's probably easier to vent to someone about it than if it's some deep, dark shit. I'd put alcoholism and death and child neglect in the latter category. There's no easy or explicit line that can be drawn where it's *now* okay to talk to someone about hard issues and personal problems, but here would be my two pieces of advice if you're completely clueless on predicting her reaction:
1. You can wait until she shares a similarly serious problem first, which would give you the green light that it's acceptable to talk about those kinds of things.
2. Whenever you feel like you can trust her to listen to you and take your story seriously/ not trivialize the situation.
My main problem is that I don’t want her to feel shut out. I know that I suck at letting people in, usually it feels inappropriate to bother others with that kind of stuff. It doesn’t change anything in the long run despite that they might get worried too. In the end stuff works out one way or the other and sharing gives only temporary relief and makes pain last slightly shorter. Often I also just simply fail at seeing that me sharing problems with them might be important or meaningful to others / I fail at even spotting stuff that might be shareworthy which is really ironic given the fact that I am so good at spotting other people’s burdens.
Even when talking about problematic stuff, I suck at it. I deal/have dealt with lots of problems far too early which I believe made me quite blunt. When talking about these things, it is easy to get a very wrong impression of me. It’s very easy for me to come off as very heartless and emotionless. I know that the presented story is probably a darker one, but to me it just doesn’t feel like it. When arriving there and hearing what was going on, it was just another layer on the shitcake. Don’t get me wrong, I really wanted this to end as good as possible, but besides that there wasn’t very much going on inside of me at first, despite the fact that I do care for them. I simply talked to them, camed them down, checked the mother’s phone and documents for some phone numbers and started asking around. The mother being dead wasn’t improbably but it wasn’t changing much emotional for me. Sure it would have been worse, but in the end I simply prepared a mental checklist what I could do to help in such a situation. Stuff that I feel like should get under my skin just doesn’t anymore and I feel like it’s making me really seem alienated. It’s not that I don’t care, otherwise I wouldn’t get involved to begin with, but I seem to do so in a weird way. The feeling that I couldn’t shake off till the next day was simply me despising how cowardly and irresponsibly the mother and her colleague handled the situation and their stupid lies. People not doing their job properly is always something that gets me, I feel in this case my anger should be located elsewhere though. I also don’t like how people change their view when it comes to stuff of mine, suddenly thinking of you as some pitiful being that has some wearing past. They just fail to see that I am fine since I can simply accept what happened.
Problem with waiting for her to share first is she might do the same. So far she had only shared some stuff that I would assume is easier stuff, even though I know everyone experience those things differently, but in general she seems to have a pretty stable and sheltered life. Feeling like she wouldn’t take the things I could tell her seriously luckily never was a problem, it just felt stupid always telling her that it is nothing/she doesn’t have to worry. While typing this I figured just simply telling her about how I feel about sharing stuff might be a good plan though. So thanks for the impulse. Rubber duck debugging seems to work great outside of programming as well ;-).
He needs a hobby. Seriously. Or a strong focus on his schoolwork/ job/ clubs/ anything else. He needs to take his mind off trying to find a girl. And it's obviously difficult for him to stop thinking about, since other people have been making him feel bad about being a virgin/ not having girlfriends, but fuck them. Impress upon him that sometimes you run into a relationship when you're not actively trying, because you're more relaxed and not being such a sweaty tryhard around the ladies all the time. The level of social anxiety and pressure he's feeling is clearly not helping, and it's almost certainly harming him.
Hobby is a good suggestion. Luckily he is no longer around those guy who pressured him. I already talked with him about being relaxed, but me talking about that to him is a bit iffy. Pretty much all of my relationships started that way, but pointing that out isn’t that great. Also, he suffers from a skin disease that does handicap him in the looks department. I don’t know about my face, but I assume it is not ugly and everything below did greatly benefit from my many years in martial arts/sports in general. His appearance is definitely something he also worries about and me telling him to simply relax feels a bit off. Also his subjects won’t exactly expose him to a lot of women, so just casually meeting more women would require him to still go out of his way. I assume it will still improve things.
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I also found out about the girl my friend is trying to set me up with while talking to my friend there... It's his girlfriends best friend whom I have never met. He has only met her once too. I don't even know why they would try set me up with her, she doesn't even live in the same city. She literally lives 90 km away, and I really do not want to go in to a long distance relationship, feels really dumb. Would be such a real hassle to travel, not to mention expensive. I've learned that some girls are better looking in real but I'm not sure she is my type in the look department either, feels kind of of an asshole thing to say though.
I might go on a date if she really wants to however I have some serious doubts about this. My friend got kind of upset when I told him this too, that I maybe would really like her etc. However my brain does not really work like that, it's far to logical to consider a LDR knowing it most likely will crash and burn.
Pls respond someone!
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Ok, so far I got:
1. You are looking for a serious relationship
2. The girl your friend wants to set you up with lives considerably far away
3. You are not sure if you find her attractive
2 seems the only real concern, 3 I would say you can ignore until proven. Not sure if you are in the position to be picky, also it is hard to rule someone out completely because of their appearance without having ever met them. Personality plays a factor too, you might get surprised. Attraction is a weird thing that doesn’t necessarily only covers physical stuff. Unless you have other potentially far better partners in your sight, that would make spending time on this girl unjustifiable.
About 2, I would say you can reevaluate that until you have met her. Unless of course a long distance relationship is absolutely impossible to think off(even though I wouldn’t consider 90km a LDR. It’s quite some distance and I don’t know about your travel possibilities, but still).
Conclusion:
Meet/date her and get a feel for it, afterwards you can properly think about it. At the moment you only have a bunch of assumptions and assumption is the mother of all fuckups ;-)
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EPT
