EPTDating: How's your luck? - Page 622
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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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puerk
Germany855 Posts
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
Btw asked a girl I've been on 3 dates (did stuff on all, pretty much all but the final step) with to be my friend yesterday. She was pretty upset at first, we spent the night cuddling, she was trying to initiate stuff but I stayed strong. We agreed that the raw chemistry is just not there and we work better as friends, I really prefer talking to her and doing fun shit + cuddling than having a sexual desire. She is in a complicated situation, sort of lives with bf, theres another guy she's crazy about+one night stands. I'm crazy about this other girl too, sort of am into the whole pickup thing so it seems pretty sustainable for now. She's a great person we have tons of fun together. But the chemistry is low, values are not aligned in terms of long term commitment etc., and we want both a completely different relationship dynamic (I want a girl that let's me be the man, take initiative, lead that is just okay being in her feminine - and she wants a sharer, take charge quite a bit and likes to be vocal about what she wants strongly) so there's like no potential for long run either. Really curious of what you guys think tho, I've never been friends with a girl before at all, much less a great looking one (despite the chemistry not being there), can this work? What about when we both have dry spells down the line - should be casual sex off limits, or set hard rules for no hugging etc. right off the bat? | ||
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puerk
Germany855 Posts
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Najda
United States3765 Posts
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WarSame
Canada1950 Posts
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States46503 Posts
On May 24 2015 05:31 WarSame wrote: I don't understand how you can cuddle with someone in a way that isn't sexual. It seems like an inherently sexual activity. I agree... once you move from hugging to cuddling/ snuggling, you go into an intimate territory that really can't be platonic imo. | ||
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IgnE
United States7684 Posts
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levelping
Singapore759 Posts
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Fyodor
Canada971 Posts
On May 24 2015 04:34 LemOn wrote: ban imo, what are this secrecy? Btw asked a girl I've been on 3 dates (did stuff on all, pretty much all but the final step) with to be my friend yesterday. She was pretty upset at first, we spent the night cuddling, she was trying to initiate stuff but I stayed strong. We agreed that the raw chemistry is just not there and we work better as friends, I really prefer talking to her and doing fun shit + cuddling than having a sexual desire. She is in a complicated situation, sort of lives with bf, theres another guy she's crazy about+one night stands. I'm crazy about this other girl too, sort of am into the whole pickup thing so it seems pretty sustainable for now. She's a great person we have tons of fun together. But the chemistry is low, values are not aligned in terms of long term commitment etc., and we want both a completely different relationship dynamic (I want a girl that let's me be the man, take initiative, lead that is just okay being in her feminine - and she wants a sharer, take charge quite a bit and likes to be vocal about what she wants strongly) so there's like no potential for long run either. Really curious of what you guys think tho, I've never been friends with a girl before at all, much less a great looking one (despite the chemistry not being there), can this work? What about when we both have dry spells down the line - should be casual sex off limits, or set hard rules for no hugging etc. right off the bat? You're both hilarious. | ||
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GreenHorizons
United States24384 Posts
On May 24 2015 04:34 LemOn wrote: ban imo, what are this secrecy? Btw asked a girl I've been on 3 dates (did stuff on all, pretty much all but the final step) with to be my friend yesterday. She was pretty upset at first, we spent the night cuddling, she was trying to initiate stuff but I stayed strong. We agreed that the raw chemistry is just not there and we work better as friends, I really prefer talking to her and doing fun shit + cuddling than having a sexual desire. She is in a complicated situation, sort of lives with bf, theres another guy she's crazy about+one night stands. I'm crazy about this other girl too, sort of am into the whole pickup thing so it seems pretty sustainable for now. She's a great person we have tons of fun together. But the chemistry is low, values are not aligned in terms of long term commitment etc., and we want both a completely different relationship dynamic (I want a girl that let's me be the man, take initiative, lead that is just okay being in her feminine - and she wants a sharer, take charge quite a bit and likes to be vocal about what she wants strongly) so there's like no potential for long run either. Really curious of what you guys think tho, I've never been friends with a girl before at all, much less a great looking one (despite the chemistry not being there), can this work? What about when we both have dry spells down the line - should be casual sex off limits, or set hard rules for no hugging etc. right off the bat? My personal opinion is to join us in the 21st century, where being feminine doesn't mean following a man. | ||
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GoTuNk!
Chile4591 Posts
On May 26 2015 06:33 GreenHorizons wrote: My personal opinion is to join us in the 21st century, where being feminine doesn't mean following a man. Nothing wrong with liking submisive woman for relationships, I do aswell. Wathever floats ur boat. | ||
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IgnE
United States7684 Posts
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puerk
Germany855 Posts
On May 26 2015 10:44 GoTuNk! wrote: Nothing wrong with liking submisive woman for relationships, I do aswell. Wathever floats ur boat. the trouble starts when you call your personal preferences the norm for truly belonging to the prefered gender. for instance if i was into bald overweight castrates that would not make that "masculine", the same way you being into submissive woman does not make them "feminine" not to mention that the concepts of masculine and feminine as used today are utter rubbish. | ||
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GoTuNk!
Chile4591 Posts
On May 26 2015 11:23 puerk wrote: the trouble starts when you call your personal preferences the norm for truly belonging to the prefered gender. for instance if i was into bald overweight castrates that would not make that "masculine", the same way you being into submissive woman does not make them "feminine" not to mention that the concepts of masculine and feminine as used today are utter rubbish. While I do agree what your general argument, I strongly correlate feminity with a supporting role in a relationship. | ||
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GreenHorizons
United States24384 Posts
On May 26 2015 12:14 GoTuNk! wrote: While I do agree what your general argument, I strongly correlate feminity with a supporting role in a relationship. People are obviously free to think what they wish it just seems like a terribly outdated idea. It implies things like women leaders are less feminine simply because they are leaders. That seems utterly stupid (although I could think of worse words) on it's face. It also implies if a man takes a supporting role for lets say his surgeon wife, he is somehow less masculine or 'manly'. Which again is a stupid, outdated notion on it's face imo. It's reasonable to prefer a partner who prioritizes supporting you over expressing themselves (not my cup of tea) but the idea that if women don't fit your idea of a woman they are less feminine is just ridiculous to me. | ||
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GoTuNk!
Chile4591 Posts
On May 26 2015 12:38 GreenHorizons wrote: People are obviously free to think what they wish it just seems like a terribly outdated idea. It implies things like women leaders are less feminine simply because they are leaders. That seems utterly stupid (although I could think of worse words) on it's face. It also implies if a man takes a supporting role for lets say his surgeon wife, he is somehow less masculine or 'manly'. Which again is a stupid, outdated notion on it's face imo. It's reasonable to prefer a partner who prioritizes supporting you over expressing themselves (not my cup of tea) but the idea that if women don't fit your idea of a woman they are less feminine is just ridiculous to me. I think we should agree to disagree, but I'd like to point out you are being too harsh with your definition. Woman leaders can lead in a mostly supportive way, helping subordinates feel good and encourage them to take good decisions (Think the opposite of a dictator). People also have many facets, and while a woman could be bossy at the office she can be happily submisive with her partner. Making money =/= calling the shots in the relationship. supporting your partner and expressing yourself is a false dichotomy; stuff is way more complex. | ||
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GreenHorizons
United States24384 Posts
On May 26 2015 12:47 GoTuNk! wrote: I think we should agree to disagree, but I'd like to point out you are being too harsh with your definition. Woman leaders can lead in a mostly supportive way, helping subordinates feel good and encourage them to take good decisions (Think the opposite of a dictator). People also have many facets, and while a woman could be bossy at the office she can be happily submisive with her partner. Making money =/= calling the shots in the relationship. supporting your partner and expressing yourself is a false dichotomy; stuff is way more complex. I'm not sure what your talking about with the leadership thing and we clearly have radically different ideas of what femininity means and how the word/concept is used, so yeah I think agreeing to disagree is the best choice there. As for supporting and expressing that was more directed at the original comment that said: (I want a girl that let's me be the man, take initiative, lead that is just okay being in her feminine - and she wants a sharer, take charge quite a bit and likes to be vocal about what she wants strongly) That's (the bold) a bullshit misogynist construction of femininity and it's not a good/modern view to have imo. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
For me feminine energy is based more on emotion than logic, being indirect, sharing, and naturally avoiding direct uncomfortable confrontations. She basically pushes me towards my feminine, don't know if misogynist or whatever. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, just that in a romantic relationship I personally prefer to be the one to be expected to make the tough decisions, push through a crowd, make the call on where we should go if we're unsure, be slightly possessive with her return that pizza with a hair in it and demand another one, be the one to fend of the jackasses bumping into us and be the one that calmly listens to her problems while being the stable "rock" she can emotionally rely on. Exactly what happens with the girl I'm crazy about right now. Like the biggest compliment was when she told me she's usually very strong willed and pushy, and her friends are always complaining about stuff. And that she's being bitchy all the time with me and she didn't understand it cause she's never done that before. And then she told me it's cause I never get phased by anything and get to be so calm and decisive she gets to relax, and basically be in her feminine. It just keeps the spark on, the two poles that keep the sexual tension going. And it's great for my ego and sexual energy, and vice versa. It's not a view of women overall - I dump my emotional stuff on friends and family male or female. It's really awesome with the chick I mentioned, I truly believe we can be friends, I share everything, don't plan stuff, but the more I do the less I feel the raw sexual desire towards her. And vice versa. I won't get into the discussion and semantics, doubt there's any point and this thread should be for specific personal stories rather than global discussions. Also don't get women being less feminine a wrong thing at all - just like a lot of men are a lot more feminine these days and there's nothing necessarily wrong with that either. Just saying this seems to be my preference right now between the two specific girls | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States46503 Posts
On May 26 2015 12:14 GoTuNk! wrote: While I do agree what your general argument, I strongly correlate feminity with a supporting role in a relationship. Masculinity and femininity (gender) are cultural constructs that change over time (as opposed to male and female sex, which are biological constants), so while it was considered feminine to be submissive and dependent a few decades ago, feminist movements and social integration may have significantly affected how and what we perceive to be womanly (or manly). For example, it is generally acceptable nowadays for women to be the breadwinners in the family, or for dads to take on the stay-at-home role with babies; this starts to chip away at the old-fashioned idea that women have to be the supporters/ nurturers/ dependents (and by proxy, that such things are necessarily "feminine"). But it's really in the eye of the beholder anyway, as gender is largely subjective and evolving over time. | ||
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Racket
3023 Posts
On May 26 2015 18:44 LemOn wrote: With her I mean that it comes down to sharing emotion - she wanted me to call her a lot, share my feelings, and tells me in a very direct confrontational way. For me feminine energy is based more on emotion than logic, being indirect, sharing, and naturally avoiding direct uncomfortable confrontations. She basically pushes me towards my feminine, don't know if misogynist or whatever. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, just that in a romantic relationship I personally prefer to be the one to be expected to make the tough decisions, push through a crowd, make the call on where we should go if we're unsure, be slightly possessive with her return that pizza with a hair in it and demand another one, be the one to fend of the jackasses bumping into us and be the one that calmly listens to her problems while being the stable "rock" she can emotionally rely on. Exactly what happens with the girl I'm crazy about right now. Like the biggest compliment was when she told me she's usually very strong willed and pushy, and her friends are always complaining about stuff. And that she's being bitchy all the time with me and she didn't understand it cause she's never done that before. And then she told me it's cause I never get phased by anything and get to be so calm and decisive she gets to relax, and basically be in her feminine. It just keeps the spark on, the two poles that keep the sexual tension going. And it's great for my ego and sexual energy, and vice versa. It's not a view of women overall - I dump my emotional stuff on friends and family male or female. It's really awesome with the chick I mentioned, I truly believe we can be friends, I share everything, don't plan stuff, but the more I do the less I feel the raw sexual desire towards her. And vice versa. I won't get into the discussion and semantics, doubt there's any point and this thread should be for specific personal stories rather than global discussions. Also don't get women being less feminine a wrong thing at all - just like a lot of men are a lot more feminine these days and there's nothing necessarily wrong with that either. Just saying this seems to be my preference right now between the two specific girls I don't think possible to have a healthy "as friends" relationship with a women you, from time to time, feel attracted to or vice versa (she towards you). With the constant ups and down life gives you, you will find yourself immersed in uncomfortable situations more often than you may willing to deal with. You have to think also that this is not only about you, and even if you find a way to deal with your emotions and passions properly, that doesn't mean she will function like you do even if you both agree on that. If for instance, two years in the future, after suppressing any minimal thing that aroused you during this lapse, she finds herself in a mess, weak and needy, and makes a move on you. How can you deal with it without hurting her (blaming it on her is off limits of course, nor can you recall what you agreed on because it will hurt her, it is a given)? You may also think that as today things are the way they are then next year will be the same, and you will be able to deal with things. But in the case you can't, will you distance yourself from her? How will she react? One last thing, for me the most important, this inconsistent attraction you feel is just tied to physics or has it to do with intellectual? If the latter I advise you to RUN FAST AND FAR AWAY. For me those are the hardest to have under control. | ||
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