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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
Why the latter? We disagree on what we want from a relationship but otherwise I like spending time with her because of the intellectual level not attraction but understanding and similar stages in terms of self discovery? Isn't that what you want from a friend more or less?
I might be idealizing but I'd rather be alone than settle on a relationship where I don't hit it off on chemical, intellectual, and value levels - because unless it's a fuck buddy I wouldn't want a relationship with someone I don't see the future with.
I'm of course rationalizing. Cause I wanna be friends with a girl so bad cause of the huge benefits. And cause I've never really had a good female friend. It was me who said that if there is attraction at any point, even 4/10 it'll be impossible to be friends with a chick in this very thread.
And I do get a boner if she tries hard enough :D
Whatevs, guess I just have to find what's good by actually doing it and making my own mistakes. For now when we both got plenty of sexual and emotional stuff from other people in our lives it shouldn't be an issue. I can see e.g. a dry spell (emotional and or sexual) for both at the same time becoming one though, we even joked about throwing each other a bone if that happens. Prolly not a good idea tho.
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I meant, you have a girl you want to be friends with, and one you would be glad to be with.
My opinion was directed at the first one, with which you have some kind of attraction here and there but no chemistry.
In my experience, it was harder for me to stay under control when the inconsistent attraction was at an intellectual level more than physical.
Even when what I wanted and she wanted were two different things, the possibility to go physical was there for both of us. We both chose to be friends back when we were happy, but in times life got harder for me or for her and staying friends while avoiding going physical because of commitments to third persons became really awkward, hurting each other was always haunting us.
If it was only physical with no intellect at all involved it would have been far easier for me. Maybe for you is different, we all are different.
I think the problem is not deciding what to do but maintaining such decision through hard times on both sides.
If you become good friends, maybe with benefits, and in the future you are with this other girl who may ask you to be exclusive, and suppose you agree on that, your so called friend with benefits may go through hard times, and finding herself open to you, safe and feminine, she makes a move on you out of need (emotional need for example) and you reject her or try to... I don't think she will be ok with that and understanding of your situation given that she is the one going through hard times.
For me is easier to resist physical attraction as society in general (tv, internet, people on the street, almost everything) bombard us with such kind of tease so I find myself used to it, but finding someone which I can connect with at an intellectual level is kind of a discovery and harder to deal with.
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To get back to the woe me online dating sucks story.
I actually have 2 dates lined up for this Saturday, one from Tinder and one from OkCupid. Funnily enough that officially means I have more dates the coming Saturday than I did in 2014.
I feel kinda bad for date 1, she seems like a nice enough person but I don't think I'm even remotely interested in her. I feel like a bit of dick for considering it 'practice' but worst case we have a nice talk and both go our seperate ways.
That night I have something lined up with a Greek girl who, judging by her messages, seems really into me so far. Let's see if there's any physical attraction, because I haven't enjoyed a conversation with anyone this much in a while.
I need some advice though. As you might remember, I'm a 26 year old virgin (never even kissed a girl). If the subject of past relationships comes up, do I fess this up or do I lie about it/embellish it? Seems stupid to lie about something that's going to come out anyway if anything materializes, but at the same time it seems like something that would send anyone running for the hills.
If nothing comes up, do I mention it on potential future dates, when/if/before things get serious? I don't feel confident pretending I know what I'm doing, but at the same time... well look above.
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I think the biggest impact it can have is on your confidence when you think to much about that topic. To be frank: most males even "experienced" have no fucking clue how sex works (well) so fearing you will somehow underperform is certainly not a pressing issue. I know its bordering impossible to do something with advice in this field but: be relaxed, active and try stuff you might enjoy, be proactive when talking about it, encourage her and be open to seeing humor. Total seriousness, technical fixation on body parts/motions etc, are the biggest moodkillers to avoid, not inexperience mistakes.
(I hope i did not come of weird in that part of the response, but i somehow had the feeling it was fitting for the kind of vibe you give off with that post)
Regarding the talking points during the date: go with the flow, do what feels right in the moment and plan less. If you see trouble with the topic and she is the kind of person that would enjoy it, you can try to tease and deny. Not sure if it is for you, but some form of mysteriousness can come off as super attractive.
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On May 28 2015 08:35 Mikau wrote:
To get back to the woe me online dating sucks story.
I actually have 2 dates lined up for this Saturday, one from Tinder and one from OkCupid. Funnily enough that officially means I have more dates the coming Saturday than I did in 2014.
I feel kinda bad for date 1, she seems like a nice enough person but I don't think I'm even remotely interested in her. I feel like a bit of dick for considering it 'practice' but worst case we have a nice talk and both go our seperate ways.
That night I have something lined up with a Greek girl who, judging by her messages, seems really into me so far. Let's see if there's any physical attraction, because I haven't enjoyed a conversation with anyone this much in a while.
I need some advice though. As you might remember, I'm a 26 year old virgin (never even kissed a girl). If the subject of past relationships comes up, do I fess this up or do I lie about it/embellish it? Seems stupid to lie about something that's going to come out anyway if anything materializes, but at the same time it seems like something that would send anyone running for the hills.
If nothing comes up, do I mention it on potential future dates, when/if/before things get serious? I don't feel confident pretending I know what I'm doing, but at the same time... well look above.
Shouldn't ever come up on 1st date. Past relationships are a big nono topic pretty much.
Doubt it's any issue tbh besides it being in your head. Just like with anything else if she directly asks is to own it. Tell her proudly that you're a virgin as if it's normal, don't make excuses be direct and use lighthearted humor and you're good.
1st date tips:
- At start go for the quick hug like it's no big deal + shoot her a sincere compliment, to make it clear you're interested in her romantically, it sets the vibe for the rest of the date, first impressions are key.
- It's all about asking her questions about her. Avoid global stuff like relationships, politics, work (EDIT: work can come up for sure. Ask "what are you passionate about in life" and if she replies work related topics, follow up. I personally leave the direct work question for later dates tho) , commitment etc. instead ask questions that'll induce emotional response and that lead to fun stories as answers (stuff like "how was your first day at school" etc.). It's important to let go, just be present and listen to her, and ask questions, and when you do talk do it in a story form. The letting go part is hard without experience tbh, forget about the outcome at start, it's okay to screw up totally normal - just go on more dates. basically 1st date should be only 2 things - questions, and stories, ideally.
- Kino escalation: if you don't initiate touching, it'll start feeling like an interview. So slowly touch her arm etc. when she says something funny, more and more as the date progresses as she allows you to. If you touch her e.g. hip when making a point about something mid conversation and she looks at the hand like it's weird, slow down for a while like it's no big deal. And go for it again after a while.
- Either keep it short, or swap venues, keep the moving going. I'd hardly ever stay in one place for longer than 1hr-1.5hrs at the very most. It'll make it more fun, will create more "memories" together".
- Always always go for the kiss. at some point. It's great between venues if the touching has escalated, feels a bit forced if you wait for it till the end but you still have to do it. Just go for it confidently, make your intention clear. And if she gives you the cheek without sending purposeful teasing signals at the end of the date just never contact her until she does first. And if she doesn't, move on to next girls. Btw this was nerve wracking on first dates for me, I went sweaty, had the whole should I shouldnt I convo in my head for sometimes an hour, then chickened out made it awkward as fuck... If you manage to get a good kiss on the 1st 4-5 1st dates gotten from online leads you're pretty much my hero :D
- I prefer to stay sober throughout the date, a couple light drinks max. Think it's easier to keep your attention on her that way.
These are the tips that'll help you get you out of your way. It's totally okay to walk away from dates, and to go on 10-20 before you find a girl with strong mutual attraction where it just feels effortless. And that's what you really want - find a person with really high mutual chemistry and you'll lose your cherry in no time - just expect to put in the effort, good luck!
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I agree with the above, it being in my head is probably more of an issue than the fact itself. That doesn't stop me from shutting down a lot though. I honestly am terrible at the whole playful physical contact, touching of hands, arms, hips etc. While it's no longer true that the contact itself is an issue (what can I say, I was really awkward growing up), but I just don't really know how. The same goes for going for that kiss. If things go well I'd want to, but I'm fairly certain me having the habit of overthinking everything will get in the way.
I think I have the rest down alright though. I can be charming, people (even of the female variety) generally like me and like spending time with me. It's just the physical escalation that has lacked in the past.
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i'd just go with "a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell" or some bullshit like that.
it implies a lot of things without actually saying something.
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On May 28 2015 17:12 Mikau wrote:
I agree with the above, it being in my head is probably more of an issue than the fact itself. That doesn't stop me from shutting down a lot though. I honestly am terrible at the whole playful physical contact, touching of hands, arms, hips etc. While it's no longer true that the contact itself is an issue (what can I say, I was really awkward growing up), but I just don't really know how. The same goes for going for that kiss. If things go well I'd want to, but I'm fairly certain me having the habit of overthinking everything will get in the way.
I think I have the rest down alright though. I can be charming, people (even of the female variety) generally like me and like spending time with me. It's just the physical escalation that has lacked in the past.
Of course you are, Virgin! And my 8y old sister who never played it sucks at dota!
Its totally normal, all you have to do is keep going on a lot of dates, be bold, push your comfort zone each time and eventually you'll become good at this, inevitably. And you'll over think less and less as you get experienced.
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I'll admit, that made me laugh :D Ok ok, fair enough. While that's a good idea going forward, it won't help me much these dates. I'll just have to keep in mind, they're likely going to be as nervous as me (and I'm worth it).
Thanks guys.
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To this day I'm unsure how many prior relationships my current girlfriend of now 1½ year has been in. I know the number is greater than 0, but that is about it. She doesn't know how many I've been with either. It simply doesn't really matter.
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Your inexperience with women should not be a deal breaker or set back in an ideal world, but you are using tinder and okcupid where women have many more options than men, so revealing to them about your virginity is unwise. You are not only putting more pressure on yourself, but your dates are going to anticipate awkwardness with you making any moves sexually and it will make them uneasy. Better to just pretend you have had a few relationships in the past, and that you have some experience.
As for the poster above me, it matters very much. A girl or guy who's been with a lot of partners is a huge red flag. It just so happens to be easier for girls rack up their partner count without too much effort.
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On May 28 2015 08:35 Mikau wrote:
To get back to the woe me online dating sucks story.
I actually have 2 dates lined up for this Saturday, one from Tinder and one from OkCupid. Funnily enough that officially means I have more dates the coming Saturday than I did in 2014.
I feel kinda bad for date 1, she seems like a nice enough person but I don't think I'm even remotely interested in her. I feel like a bit of dick for considering it 'practice' but worst case we have a nice talk and both go our seperate ways.
That night I have something lined up with a Greek girl who, judging by her messages, seems really into me so far. Let's see if there's any physical attraction, because I haven't enjoyed a conversation with anyone this much in a while.
I need some advice though. As you might remember, I'm a 26 year old virgin (never even kissed a girl). If the subject of past relationships comes up, do I fess this up or do I lie about it/embellish it? Seems stupid to lie about something that's going to come out anyway if anything materializes, but at the same time it seems like something that would send anyone running for the hills.
If nothing comes up, do I mention it on potential future dates, when/if/before things get serious? I don't feel confident pretending I know what I'm doing, but at the same time... well look above.
Don't actively bring up your past sex life (or lack thereof), but as you get to know the girls and become more comfortable and intimate with them, don't lie about it. A lot more girls think it's cute or endearing or wouldn't mind taking you through the experience rather than running away from you, if you guys have good chemistry in general. If it comes up, try not to act too embarrassed (as that'd sound like you're super tryhard and super failhard at getting laid) and just shrug it off and say it never really happened. Relationships are built on trust, and you don't want to start off by lying. It's no big deal 
EDIT: I also agree with pretty much everything that people have said above me ^^ I wouldn't drop the "Gentlemen don't kiss and tell" line though- it sounds really cheesy and it sounds like you're purposely hiding something.
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i agree with the number of past relationships being quite significant. i might not want to know at the start, but if its a girl who i plan on marrying and spending the rest of my life with, i want to know everything about her (including her history), and id rather find out sooner than later.
what constitutes as "a lot" will be subjective, some will say 5, some 10, some 20, but i think it is quite important as that number represents your values and outlook on relationships. also, the manner of the breakups of previous relationships will be relevant as some factors of the previous breakups may be applicable to yours too.
the only reasons i could think of where you dont want to find out how many partners your current partner has been with is if you just dont have much interest in her life (which is a pretty big red flag already), or youre afraid to find out. either way theyre not good signs
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On May 29 2015 11:27 evilfatsh1t wrote:
i agree with the number of past relationships being quite significant. i might not want to know at the start, but if its a girl who i plan on marrying and spending the rest of my life with, i want to know everything about her (including her history), and id rather find out sooner than later.
what constitutes as "a lot" will be subjective, some will say 5, some 10, some 20, but i think it is quite important as that number represents your values and outlook on relationships. also, the manner of the breakups of previous relationships will be relevant as some factors of the previous breakups may be applicable to yours too.
the only reasons i could think of where you dont want to find out how many partners your current partner has been with is if you just dont have much interest in her life (which is a pretty big red flag already), or youre afraid to find out. either way theyre not good signs
Agreed. Now that being said, one doesn't necessarily need to interrogate girls on the first date about all their past personal stuff (nor should they!); these things may emerge naturally in conversations over the months/ years, and a lot of times there's no rush (unless you're thinking about buying a ring now). And I agree that it's largely subjective too.
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Yeah, personally I like to pretend all girls I've been with were virgins that don't poop. Eventually you have to face the reality, but why ever accelerate the disovery
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But to be clear, women don't poop.
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Or fart. It's complicated science, really. The internal machinations of a woman's body is an enigma.
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On May 29 2015 14:24 WarSame wrote:
Or fart. It's complicated science, really. The internal machinations of a woman's body is an enigma.
Clearly, only Alan Turing could figure out women.
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and the polish a little bit.
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Here's my dating story. 2 weeks ago I went on a blind date with a girl and had an amazing time. Ended up spending over 5 hours with each other. Bit of background, we both got out of quite long relationships about 2 months ago. Two days after the date she asks me to come to a party, I ofcourse oblige and we end up spending the night together. Everything is good, we spend two more nights together the next week. While she told me she is not looking for a relationship, she also said that would we end up in one in the future it wouldn't be the end of the world.
This tuesday we went out for dinner, she invited another couple to join, I had met them once or twice before so I didn't really think much of it. We had a good time, laughed kissed and snuggled like a real newly in love couple would do at a double date. After the dinner I go back to her place, have tea and talk some more. She then asks me to leave (not rudely or anything), she has a early morning or whatever, so I go home. She texts me saying something along the lines of "Im sorry if the date wasnt too great, ill make it up to you I promisse". After this I havent heard too much from her. When we do text its mainly smalltalk from her side, not the same semi-teasing as before.
So at this point I feel like I'm going crazy trying to understand if she got fed up with me, if I'm just overanalyizing (which I may have a tendecy to do in general) or if she is afraid of going to fast too early after a breakup. What makes it suck even more is that the summer is coming up and we probably wont be able to see each other until september.
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EPT
