|
We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On March 31 2015 06:14 GreenHorizons wrote:Show nested quote +On March 31 2015 05:35 LemOn wrote:
I was with a girl... now, didn't tell her my age she didn't tell me hers. Bartered it for a kiss at the end. She's a 21y old student I'm 28. She's was like "that's so much wow...or maybe it isn't"?
I don't really see any issues. I'm a poker pro, and smart girls in the 25 ish age bracket are new at work, don't handle it well yet and scheduling becomes really annoying. At least my last gf was stressed from work as it was her 1st year and it was a demanding company, besides girls with a more open profession (seeing a therapist now- as a gf not that I need her ;p) seems like students are the only ones with a more open schedule, and they'll always be younger?
Btw another thing - seeing more girls at once, when does it become immoral? In fairness though someone who has a chance at a successful relationship with someone so much younger probably doesn't appeal to their own age group as much. The things that make an older person stand out to a younger person are often the same things women of their own age are generally not into. To use a recent example, If your career plan is still to be a professional rock musician and you bar tend a dive bar you play at on the weekends at 32 that's probably not going to appeal to the type of 30 yo woman one would want to pursue, however to a 21 yo girl at the bar for the first time that can be quite 'dreamy'.
I'm sorry, but that's a bit of a generalisation. You're assuming that most women above the age of 30 are looking for a provider for them and their offspring, but that's not just insulting, but simply wrong. You're using the example of a musician, which of course is dreadfully unappealing if you're into money, but other than that there isn't a whole lot wrong with it.
You can still be smart and ambitious, creative, kind, reliable... And those can be as appealing to a girl in her late teens as to a woman in her thirties. And then there's the fact that you can have different qualities than make you attractive to different people without pushing the other away.
My last "GF" was 18 (now 19) and my current liaison is 33, which is six years older than I am. They both said they like pretty much the same things about me, and one is looking for something to do with her life while the other has been done with uni for eight years, has her own fancy house, a dog and a proper, well paying nine-to-five, and maybe a 401k, whatever that is.
But maybe that's a cultural thing.
|
Friends i come to you with a dilemma about what to do right now
Me and my lady have been together for about 5 months now, recently however she has been pretty distant and not really herself.. i think this has something to do with the fact her father died a few months ago and she lost her kid(baby daddy drama) a couple of months after and it is messing with her..
More or less what was going on is everything was going smooth, she wanted me to live with her, but the past month things have changed, she has took a complete turn around on that(i suspect due to the fact she will have her kid back next month and wants to wait which im ok with) and saying we spend too much time together when in fact we dont actually see each other very much.. Usually with something like this i would assume she was cheating on me, but we still have sex regularly and she seems happy when i am around, and no one i know says she is the type to cheat like that but what gives?
What do i do to bring someone out of this depression? We havent even seen each other in 4 days(today being the 4th) and we don't really speak much recently. One of the few texts she sent me yesterday when i asked what was going on was something to this effect
"i think we should spend some time apart tbh, i love you so much but there is something wrong with me, i feel like something is broke and i am empty even of myself"
which that seems like some uhhh shit to me..
what can i do here? is there any advice that can even be given
|
On March 31 2015 22:28 arb wrote:
Friends i come to you with a dilemma about what to do right now
Me and my lady have been together for about 5 months now, recently however she has been pretty distant and not really herself.. i think this has something to do with the fact her father died a few months ago and she lost her kid(baby daddy drama) a couple of months after and it is messing with her..
More or less what was going on is everything was going smooth, she wanted me to live with her, but the past month things have changed, she has took a complete turn around on that(i suspect due to the fact she will have her kid back next month and wants to wait which im ok with) and saying we spend too much time together when in fact we dont actually see each other very much.. Usually with something like this i would assume she was cheating on me, but we still have sex regularly and she seems happy when i am around, and no one i know says she is the type to cheat like that but what gives?
What do i do to bring someone out of this depression? We havent even seen each other in 4 days(today being the 4th) and we don't really speak much recently. One of the few texts she sent me yesterday when i asked what was going on was something to this effect
"i think we should spend some time apart tbh, i love you so much but there is something wrong with me, i feel like something is broke and i am empty even of myself"
which that seems like some uhhh shit to me..
what can i do here? is there any advice that can even be given That doesn't sound good to me. It sounds like you are growing apart emotionally and she has some really serious stuff going on. Depression is hard, difficult, and complicated. Maybe she needs to see a physician depending on her symptom duration and severity. I suggest you look into Major depressive disorder and see if you think that could be something she has.
I think if she was having a hard time dealing with things it would make since for your partner to be someone you would want to help you go through things, not push farther away. Anyways, I think you definitely need to communicate. It sounds like there is a communication wall right now and she is doing things on her own. I don't really see how giving her more space and talking even less will help your relationship. I suggest you try to talk to her more and see if she will reveal more of the problem.
As far as pulling her out of depression, you really can't. Happiness comes from within and if you aren't in a place to be happy yourself then no one and nothing else can really do it for you. I think the best you can do is be there and be supportive.
|
On March 31 2015 22:45 calgar wrote:Show nested quote +On March 31 2015 22:28 arb wrote:
Friends i come to you with a dilemma about what to do right now
Me and my lady have been together for about 5 months now, recently however she has been pretty distant and not really herself.. i think this has something to do with the fact her father died a few months ago and she lost her kid(baby daddy drama) a couple of months after and it is messing with her..
More or less what was going on is everything was going smooth, she wanted me to live with her, but the past month things have changed, she has took a complete turn around on that(i suspect due to the fact she will have her kid back next month and wants to wait which im ok with) and saying we spend too much time together when in fact we dont actually see each other very much.. Usually with something like this i would assume she was cheating on me, but we still have sex regularly and she seems happy when i am around, and no one i know says she is the type to cheat like that but what gives?
What do i do to bring someone out of this depression? We havent even seen each other in 4 days(today being the 4th) and we don't really speak much recently. One of the few texts she sent me yesterday when i asked what was going on was something to this effect
"i think we should spend some time apart tbh, i love you so much but there is something wrong with me, i feel like something is broke and i am empty even of myself"
which that seems like some uhhh shit to me..
what can i do here? is there any advice that can even be given That doesn't sound good to me. It sounds like you are growing apart emotionally and she has some really serious stuff going on. Depression is hard, difficult, and complicated. Maybe she needs to see a physician depending on her symptom duration and severity. I suggest you look into Major depressive disorder and see if you think that could be something she has. I think if she was having a hard time dealing with things it would make since for your partner to be someone you would want to help you go through things, not push farther away. Anyways, I think you definitely need to communicate. It sounds like there is a communication wall right now and she is doing things on her own. I don't really see how giving her more space and talking even less will help your relationship. I suggest you try to talk to her more and see if she will reveal more of the problem. As far as pulling her out of depression, you really can't. Happiness comes from within and if you aren't in a place to be happy yourself then no one and nothing else can really do it for you. I think the best you can do is be there and be supportive.
She just never talks about problems to anyone.. ive heard " i'll talk to you about it tomorrow" for a couple days now.
I noticed for a couple weeks she hasnt been herself, but the past few days have been something completely different and I don't know what to do
I went over to her house sunday night to get a couple of things to wear for court monday, and asked her a bout it a few times, she kept making something up as to why she didnt want to talk about it she still embraced me and hugged/kissed me and all of that stuff so i take that as a hopefully good sign.
I am just at a loss because everything was going so well then all of the sudden it just goes to shit..
The entire thing is bothering me with something i cant really figure out, because my desire to eat or do anything has been pretty slim to none for a few days now and that is definitely not healthy
|
why would you want to date someone whose reaction to a little stress is to soft dump you. life gets harder, not easier, when you move in together, get married, have kids, etc. I mean usually that's just a cop out used by people who don't want to be seen as the bad guy who straight up said this isn't working I want to stop but either way take your get out of jail free card
|
I would not pressure her. It must be really hard for her with her dad AND baby dying and I can understand if one needs a little space to deal with that. Maybe she is the kind of person who needs space to mourn, maybe it drives her crazy if she has to do it alone but pushes you away for other reasons. I would think to myself: "How can I help this wonderful person, that I love, in this difficult situation?" Not "Whats best for my relationship?" In this case doing the best for her might be the best for the relationship anyway.
A good friends of mine went to a funeral once and when he embraced the widow he whispered into her ear: "I just want you to know you can call me any time of the day any day of the week whenever you feel like talking. You are not alone."* And she later told him this little gesture helped her so much. No demands, no questions, just an offering.
* They lived quite far apart.
|
On April 01 2015 00:11 AKnopf wrote:
I would not pressure her. It must be really hard for her with her dad AND baby dying and I can understand if one needs a little space to deal with that. Maybe she is the kind of person who needs space to mourn, maybe it drives her crazy if she has to do it alone but pushes you away for other reasons. I would think to myself: "How can I help this wonderful person, that I love, in this difficult situation?" Not "Whats best for my relationship?" In this case doing the best for her might be the best for the relationship anyway.
A good friends of mine went to a funeral once and when he embraced the widow he whispered into her ear: "I just want you to know you can call me any time of the day any day of the week whenever you feel like talking. You are not alone."* And she later told him this little gesture helped her so much. No demands, no questions, just an offering.
* They lived quite far apart.
I keep telling myself I don't want to bother her all day, but I can't just go from talking to/being with her every day to nothing.
My brain does not work like that
She told me she is not sure what is wrong, but she feels incredibly depressed and like she is having a constant anxiety attack which is probably not good but i do not know
|
space = let her sit at home by herself for a day or two, go out of your way to not complain or otherwise give her grief or complain etc. this is normal, everyone does it time to time. personal space is normal
"i think we should spend some time apart tbh, i love you so much but there is something wrong with me, i feel like something is broke and i am empty even of myself" = 100% means I am dumping you I just don't want to say it in a more straight forward way for whatever reason. not that the reason matters, or that you should care, but it is what it is.
even if I am wrong (you don't get to 26000 posts by being wrong nerds) again, do you want to have kids with someone who will get stressed and all the sudden move out for a month because they need alone time?? fuck no
|
On April 01 2015 02:18 QuanticHawk wrote:
space = let her sit at home by herself for a day or two, go out of your way to not complain or otherwise give her grief or complain etc. this is normal, everyone does it time to time. personal space is normal
"i think we should spend some time apart tbh, i love you so much but there is something wrong with me, i feel like something is broke and i am empty even of myself" = 100% means I am dumping you I just don't want to say it in a more straight forward way for whatever reason. not that the reason matters, or that you should care, but it is what it is.
even if I am wrong (you don't get to 26000 posts by being wrong nerds) again, do you want to have kids with someone who will get stressed and all the sudden move out for a month because they need alone time?? fuck no
I took your post into consideration, and even if its not a good idea asked her if she wanted us to be together or what she was thinking.
she is at work though so i will have to wait for a response
|
it's good in the sense that you recognize communication is key and you're keeping to your end of the bargain on that even though she isn't. asking something like that should be in person rather than text but it will at least speed up getting you to realize what is going on.
|
On April 01 2015 02:28 QuanticHawk wrote:
it's good in the sense that you recognize communication is key and you're keeping to your end of the bargain on that even though she isn't. asking something like that should be in person rather than text but it will at least speed up getting you to realize what is going on.
she told me to calm down she cant talk at the moment, which she is at work(which is really strict with phones, know from exp) so i will have to wait.
i am not sure weather that is a good or bad sign
|
You do sound like you need to calm down.
|
On April 01 2015 02:34 IgnE wrote:
You do sound like you need to calm down.
I am reasonably calm, just this sudden thing has me kind of worked up.
which i think it would most people so i dont feel bad about it
|
you texted her something that deserves an in person convo (or at least phone) and you did so while she was at work knowing that theyre strict about that. I mean she's being an ass for being cryptic and dodging your questions up to this point therefore giving you totally justifiable reason to be on red alert but that isn't exactly fair or reasonable either
|
On April 01 2015 02:38 QuanticHawk wrote:
you texted her something that deserves an in person convo (or at least phone) and you did so while she was at work knowing that theyre strict about that. I mean she's being an ass for being cryptic and dodging your questions up to this point therefore giving you totally justifiable reason to be on red alert but that isn't exactly fair or reasonable either
i told her she was sending me too many mixed signals and i wanted to know what she wanted to do.
i get she works and has stuff to do to get her kid back during the day, but i deserve some kind of answer for what is going on in my opinion
I just don't understand why she would still be saying she loved me if she was going to do that. there is just so much confusing shit happening i dont know what the fuck to think.
the last time she was acting similar to this she told me she thought she was in love with me and felt like i should know how she felt.
for all i know it could be something like that :S
|
I'm agreeing with you 100% that she's jerking you around but still dropping the 'do you want to be together' bomb on someone at work is shitty even if they don't have very strict rules about phones at work. this goes double if you are taking her stressed out comments at face value (again you shouldnt since she's pretty clearly tryign to break up). Dont you think that just adds to it??
again no matter what way you cut this it sounds like time to head out and find someone a bit more mature and able to deal with their emotions
|
If I were you I would stop calling or texting her. If she cares, she'll eventually contact you. If not, move on. Sounds like shitty advice because not talking to her is the last thing you want to do right now, but trust me, I have been in your position and getting super clingy and needy is not goin to get you anywhere.
|
You also sound super clingy and needy. Four days is not that long. Really.
Love is complicated. It is possible to love someone and still not want to be in a relationship with them.
|
On March 31 2015 07:33 SixStrings wrote:Show nested quote +On March 31 2015 06:14 GreenHorizons wrote:On March 31 2015 05:35 LemOn wrote:
I was with a girl... now, didn't tell her my age she didn't tell me hers. Bartered it for a kiss at the end. She's a 21y old student I'm 28. She's was like "that's so much wow...or maybe it isn't"?
I don't really see any issues. I'm a poker pro, and smart girls in the 25 ish age bracket are new at work, don't handle it well yet and scheduling becomes really annoying. At least my last gf was stressed from work as it was her 1st year and it was a demanding company, besides girls with a more open profession (seeing a therapist now- as a gf not that I need her ;p) seems like students are the only ones with a more open schedule, and they'll always be younger?
Btw another thing - seeing more girls at once, when does it become immoral? In fairness though someone who has a chance at a successful relationship with someone so much younger probably doesn't appeal to their own age group as much. The things that make an older person stand out to a younger person are often the same things women of their own age are generally not into. To use a recent example, If your career plan is still to be a professional rock musician and you bar tend a dive bar you play at on the weekends at 32 that's probably not going to appeal to the type of 30 yo woman one would want to pursue, however to a 21 yo girl at the bar for the first time that can be quite 'dreamy'. I'm sorry, but that's a bit of a generalisation. You're assuming that most women above the age of 30 are looking for a provider for them and their offspring, but that's not just insulting, but simply wrong. You're using the example of a musician, which of course is dreadfully unappealing if you're into money, but other than that there isn't a whole lot wrong with it. You can still be smart and ambitious, creative, kind, reliable... And those can be as appealing to a girl in her late teens as to a woman in her thirties. And then there's the fact that you can have different qualities than make you attractive to different people without pushing the other away. My last "GF" was 18 (now 19) and my current liaison is 33, which is six years older than I am. They both said they like pretty much the same things about me, and one is looking for something to do with her life while the other has been done with uni for eight years, has her own fancy house, a dog and a proper, well paying nine-to-five, and maybe a 401k, whatever that is. But maybe that's a cultural thing.
Well I tried to couch it in terms that made it clear that it wasn't EVERY woman every time. A lot goes into why people pick the people they pick, it's not going to be exactly the same for everyone. However, there are some patterns. Perhaps this particular pattern is limited to certain areas culturally, I don't know, but it's certainly observable in the US.
|
On March 31 2015 22:28 arb wrote:
Friends i come to you with a dilemma about what to do right now
Me and my lady have been together for about 5 months now, recently however she has been pretty distant and not really herself.. i think this has something to do with the fact her father died a few months ago and she lost her kid(baby daddy drama) a couple of months after and it is messing with her..
More or less what was going on is everything was going smooth, she wanted me to live with her, but the past month things have changed, she has took a complete turn around on that(i suspect due to the fact she will have her kid back next month and wants to wait which im ok with) and saying we spend too much time together when in fact we dont actually see each other very much.. Usually with something like this i would assume she was cheating on me, but we still have sex regularly and she seems happy when i am around, and no one i know says she is the type to cheat like that but what gives?
What do i do to bring someone out of this depression? We havent even seen each other in 4 days(today being the 4th) and we don't really speak much recently. One of the few texts she sent me yesterday when i asked what was going on was something to this effect
"i think we should spend some time apart tbh, i love you so much but there is something wrong with me, i feel like something is broke and i am empty even of myself"
which that seems like some uhhh shit to me..
what can i do here? is there any advice that can even be given
You are messing up somewhere man, probably being too clingy, needy etc. After that last thing she told you I'd just straight up tell her it's up to her and to call me when she's ready and sorted that out and that you'll do something fun, then never contact her until she does first, and when she does just go out and don't mention any relationship stuff at all, just enjoy her company.
If she never contacts you - move on, I wouldn't even try to call her after this myself to set a date. If she's still into you she'll text or call with some bs like "how are you doing" or just "hi" (sometimes takes up to 3 weeks - you just gotta wait after being so pushy) - that's when you set a date and start courting her over again.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
