We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating.
On February 18 2015 21:44 SoSexy wrote: Everytime I come back to this thread I have to cringe so hard
being a player =/= disrespecting women. The best players always treat women well and leave a good impression. This said, the amount of 'white knightness' here is just wow...
Well, in defense of the whiteknights, you are quite the asshole.
But... you two are made for each other! It's like, he's the Italian version of you!
You both go through women like there's no tomorrow, complain about the lack of longterm prospects and come here to brag about the most ridiculous stunts you pull with women.
The only difference between you is that for some reason I actually feel some sympathy towards you (sometimes, when I am not just shocked at what you (post that you) think is a normal treatment of women), whereas SoSexy all I do is facepalm every time he posts about his dating life here.
Hell, you're so similar, that when someone referred to you as SS, I wasn't sure which SS he was talking about until I scanned the posts above him and saw no SoSexy posts
On February 18 2015 21:44 SoSexy wrote: Everytime I come back to this thread I have to cringe so hard
being a player =/= disrespecting women. The best players always treat women well and leave a good impression. This said, the amount of 'white knightness' here is just wow...
Well, in defense of the whiteknights, you are quite the asshole.
But... you two are made for each other! It's like, he's the Italian version of you!
You both go through women like there's no tomorrow, complain about the lack of longterm prospects and come here to brag about the most ridiculous stunts you pull with women.
The only difference between you is that for some reason I actually feel some sympathy towards you (sometimes, when I am not just shocked at what you (post that you) think is a normal treatment of women), whereas SoSexy all I do is facepalm every time he posts about his dating life here.
Hell, you're so similar, that when someone referred to you as SS, I wasn't sure which SS he was talking about until I scanned the posts above him and saw no SoSexy posts
I second this. I often had to read the name of the poster again to remind me if it is SixString's or SoSexy's post. Its really easy to confuse you guys.
On February 18 2015 22:49 bloodwhore~ wrote: Was away for a weekend. Friends are having a get together with some other people. Come back and check my facebook, two girls added me, I recognize one, have absolutely no idea who the other girl is. Ask my friend who knows them what the fuck is up (wouldn't surprise me if told them to add me or something). He said he didn't but told me that girl A remembers me as the guy with the beautiful eyes and shit. Words that were mentioned when I've been talking to friends are "drooling, eyes that you can drown in.
Anyway, I have always been alone, never had gf or anything so I thought I'd talk to girl B (I consider girl A to be off limits because I am acquaintance with her ex). Said hello on FB to girl B, a day later she says hi back. Ask her if we have met before just to get the conversation going, no response still.
WHY THE FUCK DID YOU ADD ME IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK. I swear to god if she is trying to play some kind of game I will be quoting the ents from lord of the rings.
I'm really glad I read this fun, interesting and concise story of yours. Time well spent.
On February 18 2015 23:56 LostWraithSC wrote: Question for you guys:
Do you genuinely believe in the climber/settler dynamic in a relationship? If so, which would you rather be?
I don't know what that means exactly but I assume the "climber" wants to get a better catch and the settler wants to go for the long run. If so, then the climber should be in his teenage years or in his early 20's. Then at some point you'll want to be a settler because if you're still chasing tail then you become a little bit pathetic (IMO!). But I guess some people live for that stuff.
But if there's such a thing as the belief that there's a climber/settler dynamic in every relationship then no I don't believe that (but that's what the word "dynamic" kind of implies, more or less). I think that there are both types of individuals but there's no such dynamic in relationships. There can be, but it's not necessarily the main characteristic of a relationship, even if there happens to be a "climber" and a "settler".
I hate this 'climber / settler' idea, because it implies that there is an objective measure of the 'worth' of a person. It's like this horrid rating people's appearance from 1-10.
Think of this, the things each any every one values are so vastly different, that you might have two people in a relationship who are both climbers, or both settlers.
I don't believe there is a metric like that, so I don't think the idea of climber / settler has any merit. In fact, I think it's rather insulting.
On February 18 2015 22:49 bloodwhore~ wrote: I consider girl A to be off limits because I am acquaintance with her ex
thats a pretty hard line to draw but just being acquaintances with someone doesn't make all their ex's off limits explicitly. Your use of acquaintance and not friend makes me think if you are really keen on getting relationship experience and are attracted to girl A it seems like a good idea. she seems into you. just feel it out.
On February 18 2015 22:49 bloodwhore~ wrote: I consider girl A to be off limits because I am acquaintance with her ex
thats a pretty hard line to draw but just being acquaintances with someone doesn't make all their ex's off limits explicitly. Your use of acquaintance and not friend makes me think if you are really keen on getting relationship experience and are attracted to girl A it seems like a good idea. she seems into you. just feel it out.
The whole "she's my friend's ex" thing quickly becomes a non-issue if the quality of the girl is high enough. I certainly have been hypocritical on the issue. Back in high school, I badly snubbed a girl who wanted to date me using that excuse, but the truth is that I just wasn't into her at all. When it came to my wife, however, I merrily ignored the conflict.
On February 18 2015 23:56 LostWraithSC wrote: Question for you guys:
Do you genuinely believe in the climber/settler dynamic in a relationship? If so, which would you rather be?
As long as I understand the terms correctly, I believe it is impossible to sustain a relationship with/as a climber. Always looking for a better match will make you a horrible partner and you wont be able to really enjoy a relationship. Especially when in a long-term relationship, it becomes quite easy to overlook certain qualities of your partner because you got used to them. After a certain amount of time, you should once in a while take the time and remind yourself why you're in love with your partner/ whats so special about him/her to do him/her justice. Its also a fact that there isnt the objective perfect partner, the person you are with will always score in certain aspects while lacking in others. Therefore you will always be able to spot better matches depending on your focus. Also, time changes appearance so if you base it on looks, your partner will inevitable be outmatched at some point (as well as you). In short, I dont believe in that kind of dynamic for a long-term relationship. When one/both are just looking for a good time then sure, but a relationship thats supposed to be more than that, being a climber/with a climber seems destructive to me. I also feel like being a climber might feel good at the time, but as soon as you get mature enough to realize how you treated your partners, I fell like you would feel pretty shitty and that your past relationships didnt really matter/where empty. If you are a climber/with a climber and he/she/you wont make the transition to a settler, the relationship will fail sooner or later.
I have to admit though that I never got into a relationship thinking "this might be some short fun". I wasnt thinking "this will be my future wife", but I was serious about it for sure and where thinking "this could be my future wife, lets find out". Also you could say that I am obsessed with loyalty, certain moral beliefs and being a hnorable person in general so I might misinterpret the whole climber-thing as mainly just hop around and being an egoistic prick.
I laughed so hard at the comparison between me and SixStrings xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
First interesting girl I met on Tinder, from England and on vacation near my town. We'll go out this weekend, should be interesting and finally I will hear a decent accent
As for a friend's ex, it's simple: ask your friend if it bothers him. If it does, drop the ball. Friends are more important.
On February 19 2015 04:04 SoSexy wrote: I laughed so hard at the comparison between me and SixStrings xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
First interesting girl I met on Tinder, from England and on vacation near my town. We'll go out this weekend, should be interesting and finally I will hear a decent accent
As for a friend's ex, it's simple: ask your friend if it bothers him. If it does, drop the ball. Friends are more important.
I don't think you can really ask friends that question, because if they value the friendship they'll say they're ok with it regardless of their feelings on the subject.
On February 18 2015 22:49 bloodwhore~ wrote: I consider girl A to be off limits because I am acquaintance with her ex
thats a pretty hard line to draw but just being acquaintances with someone doesn't make all their ex's off limits explicitly. Your use of acquaintance and not friend makes me think if you are really keen on getting relationship experience and are attracted to girl A it seems like a good idea. she seems into you. just feel it out.
The whole "she's my friend's ex" thing quickly becomes a non-issue if the quality of the girl is high enough. I certainly have been hypocritical on the issue. Back in high school, I badly snubbed a girl who wanted to date me using that excuse, but the truth is that I just wasn't into her at all. When it came to my wife, however, I merrily ignored the conflict.
Something about this doesn't surprise me in the slightest.
As for the 1-10 rating that's actually not all that far off. Of course where someone falls on that scale is heavily influenced by personal bias but we do kind of put ratings on ourselves and other people whether we want to or not.
On February 19 2015 00:15 SixStrings wrote: I hate this 'climber / settler' idea, because it implies that there is an objective measure of the 'worth' of a person. It's like this horrid rating people's appearance from 1-10.
Think of this, the things each any every one values are so vastly different, that you might have two people in a relationship who are both climbers, or both settlers.
I don't believe there is a metric like that, so I don't think the idea of climber / settler has any merit. In fact, I think it's rather insulting.
€: 'Hate' is probably too strong a word...
Fair. This is probably how I feel about it too overall, but sometimes I feel it's inevitable that some aspects of the person are climbing or settling, like looks, smarts, health, money, etc. Holistically you need a balance for it to be a healthy relationship, else wise it just becomes toxic and likely won't last long.
On February 18 2015 23:56 LostWraithSC wrote: Question for you guys:
Do you genuinely believe in the climber/settler dynamic in a relationship? If so, which would you rather be?
As long as I understand the terms correctly, I believe it is impossible to sustain a relationship with/as a climber. Always looking for a better match will make you a horrible partner and you wont be able to really enjoy a relationship. Especially when in a long-term relationship, it becomes quite easy to overlook certain qualities of your partner because you got used to them. After a certain amount of time, you should once in a while take the time and remind yourself why you're in love with your partner/ whats so special about him/her to do him/her justice. Its also a fact that there isnt the objective perfect partner, the person you are with will always score in certain aspects while lacking in others. Therefore you will always be able to spot better matches depending on your focus. Also, time changes appearance so if you base it on looks, your partner will inevitable be outmatched at some point (as well as you). In short, I dont believe in that kind of dynamic for a long-term relationship. When one/both are just looking for a good time then sure, but a relationship thats supposed to be more than that, being a climber/with a climber seems destructive to me. I also feel like being a climber might feel good at the time, but as soon as you get mature enough to realize how you treated your partners, I fell like you would feel pretty shitty and that your past relationships didnt really matter/where empty. If you are a climber/with a climber and he/she/you wont make the transition to a settler, the relationship will fail sooner or later.
I have to admit though that I never got into a relationship thinking "this might be some short fun". I wasnt thinking "this will be my future wife", but I was serious about it for sure and where thinking "this could be my future wife, lets find out". Also you could say that I am obsessed with loyalty, certain moral beliefs and being a hnorable person in general so I might misinterpret the whole climber-thing as mainly just hop around and being an egoistic prick.
Sorry, that's not what I meant by climbing vs. settling. What I mean by climbing is that in a long term relationship / marriage, one person feels like he/she could've ended up with someone better, but is content with the status quo; the other person feels like he/she got a good deal and probably couldn't just as easily find another person that's of the same "caliber", whatever that means. The former is the settler, the latter is the climber.
On February 19 2015 07:25 LostWraithSC wrote: Sorry, that's not what I meant by climbing vs. settling. What I mean by climbing is that in a long term relationship / marriage, one person feels like he/she could've ended up with someone better, but is content with the status quo; the other person feels like he/she got a good deal and probably couldn't just as easily find another person that's of the same "caliber", whatever that means. The former is the settler, the latter is the climber.
I'm sorry, since I clearly misinterpreted the whole thing based on my moral bias. i still believe that this kind of dynamic shouldnt be present in a healthy relationship since you shouldnt be concerned with the question if you could do better/should be happy because you couldnt get any better. In a healthy relationship, you should just be happy with your partner and enjoy the fact that you have eachother. In the given case, the climber still seems like a poor soul, since he tells himself he could do better, which isnt very respectful towards your partner, and even though he wont leave the relationship, I cant imagine viewing your relationship in that way to be very satisfying. The settler however seem to hold himself down, or maybe hes just being realistic. The settler and the climber both seem pretty bad roles but if I had to, I'd rather be the settler and be happy with what I got. The climber seems like that tragic guy who doesnt change anything, while telling himself he could achieve more.
On February 19 2015 07:25 LostWraithSC wrote: Sorry, that's not what I meant by climbing vs. settling. What I mean by climbing is that in a long term relationship / marriage, one person feels like he/she could've ended up with someone better, but is content with the status quo; the other person feels like he/she got a good deal and probably couldn't just as easily find another person that's of the same "caliber", whatever that means. The former is the settler, the latter is the climber.
I'm sorry, since I clearly misinterpreted the whole thing based on my moral bias. i still believe that this kind of dynamic shouldnt be present in a healthy relationship since you shouldnt be concerned with the question if you could do better/should be happy because you couldnt get any better. In a healthy relationship, you should just be happy with your partner and enjoy the fact that you have eachother. In the given case, the climber still seems like a poor soul, since he tells himself he could do better, which isnt very respectful towards your partner, and even though he wont leave the relationship, I cant imagine viewing your relationship in that way to be very satisfying. The settler however seem to hold himself down, or maybe hes just being realistic. The settler and the climber both seem pretty bad roles but if I had to, I'd rather be the settler and be happy with what I got. The climber seems like that tragic guy who doesnt change anything, while telling himself he could achieve more.
No, the climber is usually happy and grateful because he believes he could NOT do better. You got them mixed up I believe :p
The settler settled in the first place usually to have the more powerful/controlling role in the relationship (or for example because he feels the biological clock ticking). He is aware of the climber. There are a few things that can go wrong: - the settler abuses this imbalance too much - the climber realizes he settled, is not satisfied with how he is "put down" and tries go climbing elsewhere - the settler grows tired of the climber or something better comes along and the settler feels like he won't have to settle anymore if he just hops onto the other train
This relationship CAN work if the disparity between settler and climber is not too grave, if the settler realizes that he is not completely settling and that the climber is more of an equal than he thought, and vice-versa. Which in my humble opinion is something every healthy relationship needs, that both sides admire something about the other and consider them as equals. But if the difference remains big then happyness usually won't last for long.
Personally I would prefer to be settler because I like to be in control (or rather deeply hate to be controlled by someone else), but not by much (do not wish to be bored by someone who does not understand me in the slightest). But judging by my non-existent self-esteem I am destined to be a climber if anything.
I think by nature in everything else I am a climber and always compare everything I do to the best in the world, so I think it would naturally follow that I'm the same way in relationships, which contributes to why I'm still single. If I were dating a girl I was on the fence about, my natural tendencies would be to look at everything that can be improved and see them elsewhere when I look. The comparison really requires a quantification of what defines your value. In an ideal relationship, I think both people should have areas they are better than the other in.
About the ex giril friend stuff, i think it depends on how atached they were. For example, none of my friends have had had a girlfriend that was my girlfriend before, however, some of them have repeatetedly told me that X girl i dated was super beatuful, and that they wish they would have been me. i don't get mad with that, and i wouldn't care if the girl dated them, because frankly, she was very beatiful and what happened between us is in the past. HOWEVER, theres this other girl that i actually think i would get mad if one of my friends dated her, but thats not going to happen since they think she was ugly (altough i think she is beautiful ), but with that girl i had a much more closer relationship.
So i guess it depends on the person and the atachment and type of relationship they had with their girlfriend.
I have two question for you guys:
1.-Do you think you should talk/try to date all the girls you like? Life for example, in my school i recently met some girls that i constantly see (one in is one of my classes, another one in anoother, and the last one is always where i go to eat something). I have had some small talk with them and i think they are nice, one has given me subtle hints that she likes me (well, at least thats what i think), however i don't know if i should focus on one or just kind of talk to all of them and see which one really likes me.
2.- the second one is: Do you think in the "shes not my type or person"? I think that yes, There are some really gorgeos girls that i see and im just like "meh", i know shes super pretty, but i just don't like her. The i see an avarage super skinny girl, and im like "wow so cute" even though i know shes not that pretty, and my friends are like "wtf?" So, i believe in it, just wondering what your opinions on the matter are?
EPT
