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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On February 17 2015 03:49 Snotling wrote:Show nested quote +On February 17 2015 03:42 xDaunt wrote:
Sounds like you just need more reps on the dating game. I know this isn't for everyone, but for those that have the balls to do it, getting into some kind of university campus ballroom/couples dancing club (salsa, swing, etc .. but NOT tango) is the absolute best thing you can do to go meet a lot of girls outside your regular circles and get comfortable interacting with them. For the most inept of us, it will take about 6 months or so to get acclimated and see some progress, but it will happen. Lindy Hop/Swing also works very well. (went there with a partner, but there were like 30 solo women from my university) The good thing about lindy ist that you change partners a lot (50% your partner, 50% others for example), so you could get to know a lot of girls in a very short amount of time. :D
Right, and the goal isn't necessarily to date the girls in the club (though more power to you if you do), but to at least become friends with them and meet their friends and contacts at other social functions through them. As a collateral benefit, dancing is great exercise, so if you need help getting into shape, this is a good way to do it.
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Nah, dancing isnt for me, I actually already tried that but it incredibly bored me. Before I also went to a dancing school but only because it was for the girl I was with at the time. She wanted to do it so I did it, but besides dancing with her because she liked it, its boring as hell to me. Kind of sad since I have the required physical form and coordination through martial arts for it, but its just something that I never managed to enjoy.
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On February 17 2015 04:01 waffelz wrote:
Nah, dancing isnt for me, I actually already tried that but it incredibly bored me. Before I also went to a dancing school but only because it was for the girl I was with at the time. She wanted to do it so I did it, but besides dancing with her because she liked it, its boring as hell to me. Kind of sad since I have the required physical form and coordination through martial arts for it, but its just something that I never managed to enjoy.
I don't really like dancing that much ,either. However, I do like having close physical contact with hot girls. Let's get our priorities straight, people, and then decide whether we want to go dancing!
EDIT: And the other nice thing about dancing is that it is very harmless way to find out how into you a girl is. No girl (unless they're really awful people) at one of these university dance clubs will ever refuse to dance with you if you ask. You can tell a lot about what a girl thinks of you just by how she dances with you. It's about as big of a tell as there is.
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On February 17 2015 04:01 waffelz wrote:
Nah, dancing isnt for me, I actually already tried that but it incredibly bored me. Before I also went to a dancing school but only because it was for the girl I was with at the time. She wanted to do it so I did it, but besides dancing with her because she liked it, its boring as hell to me. Kind of sad since I have the required physical form and coordination through martial arts for it, but its just something that I never managed to enjoy.
You could volunteer to be one of the guys women beat up at those self defense seminar type things? Depending on your personal experience and the laws you might be able to just host one yourself? Pretty sure that would help your preference that they show interest in you first (women falling for a teacher [especially one teaching them how to protect themselves] is almost a given at some point.
If you are going to use it for dating though I would make it a 1 time course type thing or only date women who are done with however many sessions you had. Pretty sure there would be some moms with great daughters that would love to hook them up with a man that could protect them too.
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On February 17 2015 04:03 xDaunt wrote:
I don't really like dancing that much ,either. However, I do like having close physical contact with hot girls. Let's get our priorities straight, people, and then decide whether we want to go dancing!
You see, there is a difference between "I dont like dancing very much" and "I'd rather be bored than dance". Also, as I stated I dont care that much for appearance, at least in that way. It actualy sounds kind of weird to me to dance just to get physical contact with hot girls, I am not desperate in this way 
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On February 17 2015 04:13 waffelz wrote:Show nested quote +On February 17 2015 04:03 xDaunt wrote:
I don't really like dancing that much ,either. However, I do like having close physical contact with hot girls. Let's get our priorities straight, people, and then decide whether we want to go dancing! You see, there is a difference between "I dont like dancing very much" and "I'd rather be bored than dance". Also, as I stated I dont care that much for appearance, at least in that way. It actualy sounds kind of weird to me to dance just to get physical contact with hot girls, I am not desperate in this way
Haha, yeah, the way it came out was a little creepy.
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On February 17 2015 04:11 GreenHorizons wrote:
You could volunteer to be one of the guys women beat up at those self defense seminar type things? Depending on your personal experience and the laws you might be able to just host one yourself? Pretty sure that would help your preference that they show interest in you first (women falling for a teacher [especially one teaching them how to protect themselves] is almost a given at some point.
If you are going to use it for dating though I would make it a 1 time course type thing or only date women who are done with however many sessions you had. Pretty sure there would be some moms with great daughters that would love to hook them up with a man that could protect them too.
That actually is not a bad idea. I actually helped out in a self-defense programm the school I used to visit hosted, so I can even show some references. And I greatly enjoy introducing women into martial arts/self defense, I talked pretty much all of my female friends into at least learn some basic stuff. It sounds like somewhat of a weird plan, but at least its something that I will enjoy no matter whats the outcome. I'm sure my university is offering such courses during the semester, that means I have some time to check out if I could help.
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Started dating a girl from the gym. She has a boyfriend of 9 years who moved away to Tennessee a couple months ago. They were kinda doing the long distance thing but had opened their relationship up so they could see other people. Quite an interesting adventure, when he finds a new partner they're going to end things, but in the mean time they'll visit each other every few months. She flew out to visit him this weekend and surprisingly I wasn't that jealous, I guess at the end of the day I know she'll be there for me. We'll have to wait and see where things take us, however it ends it's going to be quite an adventure.
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On February 17 2015 02:17 xDaunt wrote:Show nested quote +On February 17 2015 01:59 waffelz wrote:
TLDR:
1) I dont have a dating-technique, I dont want to get one.
2) I am not in a situation where I meet a lot of women/appeal to them and dont really want to change it.
3) Since I miss a dating-technique, I can only hope for them approaching and pursuing me, which is unlikely because of 2)
4) I therefore should accept that a relationship is very unlikely to happen.
5) I came to the realization that I really want a relationship to happen again. I'll just hazard a guess that a lot of TL members (yours truly included) have been where you are now. I highlighted the three most important things that you said. Basically, you recognize that you want a relationship, but you're currently unwilling to do what is necessary to put yourself in a position where you're likely to get one. When that changes, then things will start to fall into place. Don't get me wrong: I'm a huge advocate of the proposition that people shouldn't change themselves to accommodate their relationships because they'll just be unhappy in the long run. However, you at least have to be willing to put yourself out there and otherwise "market" yourself effectively.
I sort of want to piggyback on this because I'm in a similar position, but I'm not sure what to change to really improve it. I'm already working on improving myself tremendously, and while I think I am very appealing to some women, I don't know where/how to meet those women. Of the girls I talk to in class (engineering major, so they are pretty scarce), they all have boyfriends. The girls I meet through work (at a bar) are unappealing to me as we live pretty much opposite lives. I go to a crossfit gym where there are a lot of attractive girls, but I just do weightlifting there and not the actual crossfit workouts so I don't ever actually talk to any of them. Outside of work school and the gym I dedicate what little freetime I have left to other interests I'm pursuing, so I honestly don't know how to make time to try and find a girl I actually like.
I just feel like the girl I would typically fall for is the kind to already have a boyfriend or typically won't be found in typical outing places like a bar/club, so it's hard to find such a person, hence my issues. I would totally be interested in taking a dance or yoga class but I can't afford to spend the money or time on such a pursuit. I know that eventually I'll probably meet someone, but that's such a passive stance to take and I don't like taking that position.
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On February 17 2015 06:01 Najda wrote:Show nested quote +On February 17 2015 02:17 xDaunt wrote:On February 17 2015 01:59 waffelz wrote:
TLDR:
1) I dont have a dating-technique, I dont want to get one.
2) I am not in a situation where I meet a lot of women/appeal to them and dont really want to change it.
3) Since I miss a dating-technique, I can only hope for them approaching and pursuing me, which is unlikely because of 2)
4) I therefore should accept that a relationship is very unlikely to happen.
5) I came to the realization that I really want a relationship to happen again. I'll just hazard a guess that a lot of TL members (yours truly included) have been where you are now. I highlighted the three most important things that you said. Basically, you recognize that you want a relationship, but you're currently unwilling to do what is necessary to put yourself in a position where you're likely to get one. When that changes, then things will start to fall into place. Don't get me wrong: I'm a huge advocate of the proposition that people shouldn't change themselves to accommodate their relationships because they'll just be unhappy in the long run. However, you at least have to be willing to put yourself out there and otherwise "market" yourself effectively. I sort of want to piggyback on this because I'm in a similar position, but I'm not sure what to change to really improve it. I'm already working on improving myself tremendously, and while I think I am very appealing to some women, I don't know where/how to meet those women. Of the girls I talk to in class (engineering major, so they are pretty scarce), they all have boyfriends. The girls I meet through work (at a bar) are unappealing to me as we live pretty much opposite lives. I go to a crossfit gym where there are a lot of attractive girls, but I just do weightlifting there and not the actual crossfit workouts so I don't ever actually talk to any of them. Outside of work school and the gym I dedicate what little freetime I have left to other interests I'm pursuing, so I honestly don't know how to make time to try and find a girl I actually like. I just feel like the girl I would typically fall for is the kind to already have a boyfriend or typically won't be found in typical outing places like a bar/club, so it's hard to find such a person, hence my issues. I would totally be interested in taking a dance or yoga class but I can't afford to spend the money or time on such a pursuit. I know that eventually I'll probably meet someone, but that's such a passive stance to take and I don't like taking that position.
I was in a similar position while in law school before I met my wife. In particular, I was very demanding with regards to what I wanted (sounds like you are, too), which just made dating harder. I understood generally that I needed to be exposed to more women to get what I wanted. The bottom line was that I had to force myself to carve out time to put myself somewhere where I would be able to meet a lot of people and girls. What I ultimately did was throw away gaming for an extended period of time and then joined a salsa club on campus. Of course, I was so badly scorned from another relationship at the time and miserable in general that it was pretty easy for me to make some major changes in my life to accommodate all of this (ie I was highly motivated).
As for your money issue, joining a campus/SBA-run dance or yoga club shouldn't cost you anything (or cost you very little) because everyone else will be in the same boat that you are. Beyond that, there should be no shortage of other groups or organizations in a college town that you can join that are inexpensive if not free. I'm sure you'll find something.
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I don't know what xDaunt looks like, but I find the thought of him salsa dancing quite comedic.
That being said, his advice is sound, given that you are the sort who can enjoy a physical activity like dancing. I met a ton of pretty cool women during my yoga and hip-hop classes at OSU. I will say that there wasn't much substance there, though I think that's because I'm not big on typical. Not many of my dance partners wanted to hear about my crazy political or literary ideas and I had no time for pretending to entertain facile understandings of football nor drinking brags. My tolerance to that stuff has increased a lot since then, but small conversation that stays small is always a warning sign for me.
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On February 17 2015 06:24 farvacola wrote:
I don't know what xDaunt looks like, but I find the thought of him salsa dancing quite comedic.
That being said, his advice is sound, given that you are the sort who can enjoy a physical activity like dancing. I met a ton of pretty cool women during my yoga and hip-hop classes at OSU. I will say that there wasn't much substance there, though I think that's because I'm not big on typical. Not many of my dance partners wanted to hear about my crazy political or literary ideas and I had no time for pretending to entertain facile understandings of football nor drinking brags. My tolerance to that stuff has increased a lot since then, but small conversation that stays small is always a warning sign for me.
Haha, I assure you I was quite the sexy beast (5 years of marriage and two kids combined with a demanding career has taken a bit of a toll, though I still look good). My favorite photograph that I have (and probably ever will have) is a shot of my wife and me dancing (before we were really an item) that was shot by a professional photographer who was brought in to take pictures of this special dancing event. He caught us right as I took my wife to the bottom of a backwards dip. It's a helluva shot.
EDIT: In fairness, the photographer wasn't interested in me. He was more interested in my wife. She showed up prominently in the collection of photographs that were released publicly after the event.
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So this rose got given to this girl I liked, on Friday. I tried to speak to her at a party that evening, but she never showed. She was there the following days though, and I couldn't be there (had other things I had to do). I waited with talking to her until a good time, and decided to facebook chat with her because otherwise I'd have to wait a week to talk to her face-to-face. Today I asked her if she liked it. She started off by saying it made her day and how she found it really awesome, but then when I asked her out she told me she's already dating. At first I thought she was just trying to soften the blow because she's never ever mentioned a guy in her life (not on social media, not in any conversation, just nowhere) but after checking her page it seems she's now in a relationship with a guy - since Saturday night, the day I couldn't be at the party to talk to her.
I guess she wasn't that interested in me and I knew that, but to never really know what would've happened if she was there last friday night or if she didn't hit it off with that guy the night after. I guess all the gods in the universe were against me on this one.
ugh the jealousy, annoyance and powerlessness is taking the best of me
(Bit of backstory if you didnt read my other post in this thread: I'd been debating sending her a rose for a couple of days at that point, and I had been crushing over this girl for a good few months.)
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On February 17 2015 08:08 Thalandros wrote:So this rose got given to this girl I liked, on Friday. I tried to speak to her at a party that evening, but she never showed. She was there the following days though, and I couldn't be there (had other things I had to do). I waited with talking to her until a good time, and decided to facebook chat with her because otherwise I'd have to wait a week to talk to her face-to-face. Today I asked her if she liked it. She started off by saying it made her day and how she found it really awesome, but then when I asked her out she told me she's already dating. At first I thought she was just trying to soften the blow because she's never ever mentioned a guy in her life (not on social media, not in any conversation, just nowhere) but after checking her page it seems she's now in a relationship with a guy - since Saturday night, the day I couldn't be at the party to talk to her. I guess she wasn't that interested in me and I knew that, but to never really know what would've happened if she was there last friday night or if she didn't hit it off with that guy the night after. I guess all the gods in the universe were against me on this one. ugh the jealousy, annoyance and powerlessness is taking the best of me (Bit of backstory if you didnt read my other post in this thread: I'd been debating sending her a rose for a couple of days at that point, and I had been crushing over this girl for a good few months.)
Next time, you send that rose with your name on it. It propably wouldnt have changed anything, but still. 
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On February 17 2015 08:25 waffelz wrote:Show nested quote +On February 17 2015 08:08 Thalandros wrote:So this rose got given to this girl I liked, on Friday. I tried to speak to her at a party that evening, but she never showed. She was there the following days though, and I couldn't be there (had other things I had to do). I waited with talking to her until a good time, and decided to facebook chat with her because otherwise I'd have to wait a week to talk to her face-to-face. Today I asked her if she liked it. She started off by saying it made her day and how she found it really awesome, but then when I asked her out she told me she's already dating. At first I thought she was just trying to soften the blow because she's never ever mentioned a guy in her life (not on social media, not in any conversation, just nowhere) but after checking her page it seems she's now in a relationship with a guy - since Saturday night, the day I couldn't be at the party to talk to her. I guess she wasn't that interested in me and I knew that, but to never really know what would've happened if she was there last friday night or if she didn't hit it off with that guy the night after. I guess all the gods in the universe were against me on this one. ugh the jealousy, annoyance and powerlessness is taking the best of me (Bit of backstory if you didnt read my other post in this thread: I'd been debating sending her a rose for a couple of days at that point, and I had been crushing over this girl for a good few months.) Next time, you send that rose with your name on it. It propably wouldnt have changed anything, but still.
Maybe it wouldn't, but it could've, yeah. The note was very small and it seemed awkward to write it on there.  She did mention it, but might've been teasingly so.
Every time I think of being ONE DAY TOO LATE with asking her in a timespan of SIX MONTHS I get a little bit more mad at myself.
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just wanna say - I suck at dating but getting better.
had 1gf 6mo at 18 1gf 5years at 20+ 1gf 6mo at 27 and now for the first time in my life I'm actively dating. been on 5 dates last month 6th tomorrow with different girls and it's freaking hard, I always try to be funny and sarcastic too much, I struggle with paying compliments when Im actually thinking them.. like I'm afraid to say I like things I like about her, do things I wanna do like kiss, touch etc. dunno why but it feels uncomfortable
Learned that I actually can do some touching when I want to and not be afraid of it, hug instead of handshake always when you meet the girl Slowly it's coming from the interview slightly creepy vibe to a normal thing but I'll need tons of practice as this time I want to be the one who doesn't settle and is comfortable and confident being himself with women. It's a grind but I'm slowly starting to enjoy it with help of some books, and amateur coaches and tons of getting self out of comfort zone. I guess better late in life than never
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On February 17 2015 08:47 Thalandros wrote:Show nested quote +On February 17 2015 08:25 waffelz wrote:On February 17 2015 08:08 Thalandros wrote:So this rose got given to this girl I liked, on Friday. I tried to speak to her at a party that evening, but she never showed. She was there the following days though, and I couldn't be there (had other things I had to do). I waited with talking to her until a good time, and decided to facebook chat with her because otherwise I'd have to wait a week to talk to her face-to-face. Today I asked her if she liked it. She started off by saying it made her day and how she found it really awesome, but then when I asked her out she told me she's already dating. At first I thought she was just trying to soften the blow because she's never ever mentioned a guy in her life (not on social media, not in any conversation, just nowhere) but after checking her page it seems she's now in a relationship with a guy - since Saturday night, the day I couldn't be at the party to talk to her. I guess she wasn't that interested in me and I knew that, but to never really know what would've happened if she was there last friday night or if she didn't hit it off with that guy the night after. I guess all the gods in the universe were against me on this one. ugh the jealousy, annoyance and powerlessness is taking the best of me (Bit of backstory if you didnt read my other post in this thread: I'd been debating sending her a rose for a couple of days at that point, and I had been crushing over this girl for a good few months.) Next time, you send that rose with your name on it. It propably wouldnt have changed anything, but still. Maybe it wouldn't, but it could've, yeah. The note was very small and it seemed awkward to write it on there. She did mention it, but might've been teasingly so. Every time I think of being ONE DAY TOO LATE with asking her in a timespan of SIX MONTHS I get a little bit more mad at myself.
Don't beat yourself up over it. You probably weren't 1 day too late. If she's in a relationship with this guy officially since Saturrday, it's more than likely that she's known him and has seen him/gone on dates with him/kiss him etc since way before this Saturday. It sounds like it just wasn't meant to be.
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On February 17 2015 08:47 Thalandros wrote:Maybe it wouldn't, but it could've, yeah. The note was very small and it seemed awkward to write it on there. She did mention it, but might've been teasingly so. Every time I think of being ONE DAY TOO LATE with asking her in a timespan of SIX MONTHS I get a little bit more mad at myself.
That really sucks, six month are a long time where lot of stuff could happen, which you propably already told yourself a thousand times by this point. Try to not focus on what could have happened and dont wait that long next time. I might be a lonely loser at the moment, but I always made my move when there was a chance of success and otherwise shrugged it off. The fear of failure is strong, but it definetly fells better than the regret if you let a chance miss and the constant doubt if you could made a diference.
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oh yeah definitely agree with the guy above! just tell her how you feel straight up as her out, if she reciprocates - great, get married have bunch of kids. If not, also great - you are free to get someone proper
It definitely is scary to push our comfort zones but it's the thing that'll make us happier. And if she does have a dude then just hang out with other girls in the meantime so when she's available again and you are still free and want her you actually know how to talk to her/court her properly?
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On February 17 2015 09:10 waffelz wrote:Show nested quote +On February 17 2015 08:47 Thalandros wrote:Maybe it wouldn't, but it could've, yeah. The note was very small and it seemed awkward to write it on there. She did mention it, but might've been teasingly so. Every time I think of being ONE DAY TOO LATE with asking her in a timespan of SIX MONTHS I get a little bit more mad at myself. That really sucks, six month are a long time where lot of stuff could happen, which you propably already told yourself a thousand times by this point. Try to not focus on what could have happened and dont wait that long next time. I might be a lonely loser at the moment, but I always made my move when there was a chance of success and otherwise shrugged it off. The fear of failure is strong, but it definetly fells better than the regret if you let a chance miss and the constant doubt if you could made a diference.
I know man, I've been having problems with this for 6 months. Wanted to make a move, had a couple of opportunities. And I guess this helps as a form of experience, but the fact that when I finally manned up, I am ONE day too late. I always felt like I didn't really have a shot with her, and then in the one conversation I have with her where she tells me that what I did ''made her day'' is also the conversation where she tells me I have no chance, and not even necessarily because of myself but because of what she did (didn't show up friday, got into a relationship saturday) so that it was completely out of my power to do something against it. I would've been so much more fine with it if it was a no or obviously, a yes. But this shit is just making my head spin now. Six months, and it comes down to one fucking day. Hell, had I chatted her up friday night after that party I might've had a better shot and had a date now.
In the end, it's a learning experience and I will definitely take it as such. Before this I've never had any serious relationship with any girl or attempted one, and I'll use this experience for any upcoming girl that I'm interested in but damn.. It seemed so awesome for a moment, just to get it taken away.
On February 17 2015 09:13 LemOn wrote:oh yeah definitely agree with the guy above! just tell her how you feel straight up as her out, if she reciprocates - great, get married have bunch of kids. If not, also great - you are free to get someone proper It definitely is scary to push our comfort zones but it's the thing that'll make us happier. And if she does have a dude then just hang out with other girls in the meantime so when she's available again and you are still free and want her you actually know how to talk to her/court her properly?
Yeah, I'm not going to wait around. She'll still be in my head constantly, that's how it goes with one-itis I suppose, heh.
But I'm not going to wait around this final 5 months of high school that I might ever see her until she's single. I'll just see and if the opportunity comes and I get to know she's single and I still don't have any interest in any other girl - I'll give it a shot. But I've learned not to cling to someone you don't even have a relationship with yet, it breaks you before anything's even started, hah. I knew this a couple weeks back too, though.
As I said before, it's not even the fact that I didn't go for it. It's the fact that I did go for it, but a day too late. So unfortunate. I'll never know what could've happened if I got to talk to her friday night, or even better, afternoon maybe. That Friday afternoon for example I could've waited around to talk to her after my periods were over (and hers still ongoing), but I decided to go and tell her at the party. Biggest mistake.
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