EPTunless you plan on having sex with her. then you have to go mission impossible and place yourself in the friends with benefits zone, which i dont think even exists with the girl youre talking about because of how "romantic-oriented" she is
Dating: How's your luck? - Page 537
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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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evilfatsh1t
Australia8857 Posts
unless you plan on having sex with her. then you have to go mission impossible and place yourself in the friends with benefits zone, which i dont think even exists with the girl youre talking about because of how "romantic-oriented" she is | ||
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RaiZ
2813 Posts
On August 25 2014 01:53 Firebolt145 wrote: It's definitely normal for parents to be concerned like that in Asia, though the whole 'run you over' is still over the top no matter where you are. D: What exactly does that mean ? Does she mean that she wanted to ride him home ? If so why would that be awkward ? Maybe she wanted to know him more or something ?... | ||
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Orcasgt24
Canada3238 Posts
On August 25 2014 15:04 RaiZ wrote: What exactly does that mean ? Does she mean that she wanted to ride him home ? If so why would that be awkward ? Maybe she wanted to know him more or something ?... In the context of the message its more like "Drive over you with a bus" | ||
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SoSexy
Italy3725 Posts
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Mina
109 Posts
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SoSexy
Italy3725 Posts
On August 25 2014 16:04 Mina wrote: Well, if you're out driving around my daughter while drunk I would have liked to run you over as well. Can't really blame her. Except the fact that I wasn't drunk. | ||
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Mina
109 Posts
On August 25 2014 19:12 SoSexy wrote: Except the fact that I wasn't drunk. But you were obviously drinking and thus shouldn't be driving at all if you ask me, much less driving around my daughter, Like I said, I don't blame her at all. Wait until you have daughters on your own, I've no doubt you will share my sentiment. You want to take my daughters out, fine but if you are going to be driving you will not drink any alcohol at all. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States45776 Posts
On August 25 2014 19:34 Mina wrote: But you were obviously drinking and thus shouldn't be driving at all if you ask me, much less driving around my daughter, Like I said, I don't blame her at all. Wait until you have daughters on your own, I've no doubt you will share my sentiment. You want to take my daughters out, fine but if you are going to be driving you will not drink any alcohol at all. He wasn't drinking and driving, was he? He drank a little but they were walking on a sidewalk when the mom came up in her car. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States45776 Posts
On August 25 2014 15:04 RaiZ wrote: What exactly does that mean ? Does she mean that she wanted to ride him home ? If so why would that be awkward ? Maybe she wanted to know him more or something ?... Run him over with her car lol. Like drive over him and crush his body with her vehicle. Killing him. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States45776 Posts
On August 25 2014 14:18 Baltor wrote: Hey guys, I need some advice. I recently spent a night with a girl that I met at a club. The problem is, I'm definitely not in a good position to get into a relationship at the moment, and I made sure to talk with her about that so we were on the same page. She just got out of a long-term and emotionally abusive relationship, so she said that she isn't looking for anything serious either, but... some of the things that she says and does seem much more romantically-oriented, and kind of make me think otherwise. I could be misinterpreting her intentions, but assuming I'm not, what's the best way for me to go forward with things? I really don't want to lead her on romantically, but at the same time I don't like the idea of cutting things off cold-turkey - like I mentioned, she's had some really bad luck with guys being assholes in the past, and I'm afraid that even if I cut things off delicately I'll still end up hurting her. That's a tough situation, because she'll probably get attracted to you simply because you'll act compassionate enough that she'll contrast you with her bad ex and start to think about you romantically. Being platonic with her might get difficult, especially if you guys are hooking up. I'd recommend honest and straightforward communication constantly, and if she tries to make a romantic move that you don't want, keep her in check and remind her that you don't want a relationship. If she gets too persistent, you might want to stop sleeping with her. Props for consciously trying not to hurt her. She still might hurt herself though if she starts to get too clingy. There's only so much you can do. | ||
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Z-BosoN
Brazil2590 Posts
She really really likes me even though we've only gone out for a week in the past 3 months. I like her and care about her, but not in the way she does me. I am also MUCH busier than she is, and I got really fed up with her wanting attention and wanting me to text her all the time, so I decided to break up. But she took it really badly and told me to get out of her life.. I care about her and so I got really upset over her comments. I called her, tried to explain myself, etc. So I'm feeling really awful, because she is overly attached, but she's far from being someone I want to date, but she's like the first person to like me the way she does, I've never had that before and it feels good. Anyone been in a similar situation mind giving some words of advice? I myself don't know if I want to keep dating her or not, but I definitely do not want to hurt her, and she's very sensitive.. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States45776 Posts
I'd just let things cool off for a while. You do you, and let her focus on herself. If she wants to talk, be there for her. But don't push her into having another conversation that she might not yet be ready to have. | ||
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Baltor
United States171 Posts
On August 25 2014 21:19 DarkPlasmaBall wrote: That's a tough situation, because she'll probably get attracted to you simply because you'll act compassionate enough that she'll contrast you with her bad ex and start to think about you romantically. Being platonic with her might get difficult, especially if you guys are hooking up. I'd recommend honest and straightforward communication constantly, and if she tries to make a romantic move that you don't want, keep her in check and remind her that you don't want a relationship. If she gets too persistent, you might want to stop sleeping with her. Props for consciously trying not to hurt her. She still might hurt herself though if she starts to get too clingy. There's only so much you can do. All right, thanks. After hearing what you and what evil have said, I think I might just play it safe and taper off of the sexual contact with her, while continuing to be pretty open about communication. I appreciate the input! Cheers guys. | ||
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Salteador Neo
Andorra5591 Posts
And I mean talk to them, not text. | ||
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obesechicken13
United States10467 Posts
I have a friend who's a girl but she's had a boyfriend for over 5 years. I was romantically interested in her for about a week (before learning she had a bf), and just stayed good friends over time. She taught me how to text, we talked about random blogs, what we wanted to do after graduating, and she was the first person I really talked about religion with. She defended me when another guy in my study group was making fun of me and said something like no one loved me. So I thought she was really nice to me. We studied a lot in school in second year too, mostly because I needed people around me to keep me accountable when I studied, and because she stayed late in the computer lab. But then I did get angry once when she kept mentioning her boyfriend. Not sure if because of jealousy or because I felt she was implying I was trying to woo her. I tend to like playing games with her (League of Legends, not leaving her waiting by the door for 30 minutes or manipulating her) and seeing her at social gatherings. But I tried contacting her yesterday to catch up since she's my only close friend from college I haven't followed up with since April. And I'm in a hospital so I have a great excuse to really talk to all my friends. Now another friend just said "you know she has a boyfriend right?" to which I replied, "yeah, she has for like 5 years." This prompted this entire thought process. I remember in 4th/5th grade I knew another girl. I played manhunt, yugioh, and foursquare, and knockout with her, her brother, and our whole group. That felt pretty normal to me and I wasn't interested in her romantically. I don't care if this girl gets married and has kids with her bf. I don't think I'm romantically interested in her. How do you manage platonic relationships with friends of the opposite gender after puberty? Do you think it's possible to have them outside the workplace? Just treat them like a guy friend, right? Or do you just cut them all out completely? I feel like if she were a guy and had done all the things that made us friends we'd still be really good friends. Then sometimes I doubt whether I'd have hit it off with her as well if she were a guy. Different chemical reactions in the brain. Stupid hormones  | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States45776 Posts
How do you manage platonic relationships with friends of the opposite gender after puberty? Do you think it's possible to have them outside the workplace? Just treat them like a guy friend, right? Or do you just cut them all out completely? It really depends on the person, I think. If you're an inherently flirty person and a social butterfly, your attempts at what you think is a platonic friendship may actually be perceived as hitting on someone. It also depends on what you do/ say and how you do/ say it. It's easier for me to be platonic friends with colleagues, because we both can focus on our common work-related interests. It's also convenient for me that I'm in a relationship that I'd never give up, and my female friends know this and approve of my fiancee, so it's not really much of an issue anymore. As an aside: How old are you and the girl with the five-year boyfriend? | ||
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obesechicken13
United States10467 Posts
On August 26 2014 04:12 DarkPlasmaBall wrote: It really depends on the person, I think. If you're an inherently flirty person and a social butterfly, your attempts at what you think is a platonic friendship may actually be perceived as hitting on someone. It also depends on what you do/ say and how you do/ say it. It's easier for me to be platonic friends with colleagues, because we both can focus on our common work-related interests. It's also convenient for me that I'm in a relationship that I'd never give up, and my female friends know this and approve of my fiancee, so it's not really much of an issue anymore. As an aside: How old are you and the girl with the five-year boyfriend? I don't know if you understand how insulting this question is. Old enough. I'm fine focusing on work with female colleagues. Most are far older than myself. But I usually don't see them outside of work either. What I'm asking is about platonic female friends outside of work. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States45776 Posts
On August 26 2014 04:32 obesechicken13 wrote: I don't know if you understand how insulting this question is. Old enough. I'm fine focusing on work with female colleagues. Most are far older than myself. But I usually don't see them outside of work either. What I'm asking is about platonic female friends outside of work. My question wasn't intended to be insulting, and I'm sorry if you took offense. You mentioned graduation and I didn't know if you were talking about graduating high school or college... and then you talked about puberty. I think age and experience might matter when answering your questions, especially between a 16 year old and a 26 year old. I don't think you have to completely cut female friends out of your life; just make sure not to hit on them or flirt with them if you don't want to be seen as romantically/ sexually interested in them. Just communicate effectively what your intentions are, and try not to give mixed signals. You can still have platonic conversations about personal lives or work or school or whatever  | ||
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waffelz
Germany711 Posts
On August 26 2014 04:04 obesechicken13 wrote: Not a dating question: I have a friend who's a girl but she's had a boyfriend for over 5 years. I was romantically interested in her for about a week (before learning she had a bf), and just stayed good friends over time. She taught me how to text, we talked about random blogs, what we wanted to do after graduating, and she was the first person I really talked about religion with. She defended me when another guy in my study group was making fun of me and said something like no one loved me. So I thought she was really nice to me. We studied a lot in school in second year too, mostly because I needed people around me to keep me accountable when I studied, and because she stayed late in the computer lab. But then I did get angry once when she kept mentioning her boyfriend. Not sure if because of jealousy or because I felt she was implying I was trying to woo her. I tend to like playing games with her (League of Legends, not leaving her waiting by the door for 30 minutes or manipulating her) and seeing her at social gatherings. But I tried contacting her yesterday to catch up since she's my only close friend from college I haven't followed up with since April. And I'm in a hospital so I have a great excuse to really talk to all my friends. Now another friend just said "you know she has a boyfriend right?" to which I replied, "yeah, she has for like 5 years." This prompted this entire thought process. I remember in 4th/5th grade I knew another girl. I played manhunt, yugioh, and foursquare, and knockout with her, her brother, and our whole group. That felt pretty normal to me and I wasn't interested in her romantically. I don't care if this girl gets married and has kids with her bf. I don't think I'm romantically interested in her. How do you manage platonic relationships with friends of the opposite gender after puberty? Do you think it's possible to have them outside the workplace? Just treat them like a guy friend, right? Or do you just cut them all out completely? I feel like if she were a guy and had done all the things that made us friends we'd still be really good friends. Then sometimes I doubt whether I'd have hit it off with her as well if she were a guy. Different chemical reactions in the brain. Stupid hormones Men and women definitely can be just friends. I am a generally (over)helpful person, which gets misunderstood very often. I just moved to a new place, where this other girl got assigned the same cellar as me. She locked the cellar and left a number, because she was desperately in need for one. I called her, explained her that the cellar was mine and the assigning-process in this house is utterly shit, gave her my spare key to my lock and said she could use the cellar aswell if needed (she was expecting some furniture that weekend and had to clean out her old place). For me it was normal to act like that, since I had the exact same problem - moved in and only got my cellar almost a week later, so I had a place full of cardboard and cellar-furniture. On the same evening, we talked for a long time and where on a same level. She then casually mentioned her boyfriend of one year, I got the hint and made clear, that I just came out of an relationship with a very unpleasant ending, and hinted that I am not interested in a new one atm (since I wasn't sure if she was just mentioning her bf casually or it really was a hint). Yesterday, I helped her deconstruct 2 cupboards at her old place, helped her carrying that stuff about 200m to the house we both live in and we reassembled them, had some good talks, for my part it was a fun evening ;-). During that, she mentioned again her boyfriend and that she told him about me, so he wont get jealous etc. which led me to make in a gentle way clear, that I was in no way hitting on her, that I value the relationship of others and that she don't have to worry about it (as I said, I'm just overhelpfull and I enjoy free, full-body workouts). Since she knew noone else in the house / possibly the city she really cares about, we might see each other more often, so I will most likely meet her boyfriend aswell. When I meet him and we get to know each other a little, I will talk to him and explain him just like I explained her that I have no intention of "stealing" her from him and that I hope there is no problem. So conclusion: Men and women can be friends, even after puberty (whatever age that means to you - the physical condition of puberty lasts longer in the newer generations according to experts, but that's another story, I just assume you mean 21+). In my opinion, it comes down to 3 facts: 1. You. What are your moral believes. Do you find the thought of intentionally wooing a person that's in a relationship ok? Then you are one of the reasons people believe that men and women cant be friends. Remember, it can always happen that you fall for someone who is already in a relationship, you cant be hold accountable for your feelings but for what you make out of it. (again, just my opinion. Even though I'm surely judging, I tell noone how he has to behave) 2. Him/Her. If the other person is one of those people, who always actively search for a "better" partner/ feel less obligated by a relationship, then they are one of the reasons people believe that men and women cant be friends. Technically, this shouldn't be a problem, as long as you keep fact 1 in mind. If he/she falls for you, it is not really your fault and mostly would had happened anyways, but if his/her partner is a friend of you, keep your distance from those persons. Even though you did nothing wrong, and don't pursue him/her, the partner that gets left behind still wont like you. 3. His/her partner. If the partner of the person you want to keep as a friend is cool with it, there is no problem. Most of the time, the partner is at least a little bit jealous, which is why I tend to speak openly with them about my believes in that regard(but only if necessary/ you got to know him/her at least a little bit. someone who is almost a complete stranger coming up to you with something like "hi, I'm the friend of your boyfriend/girlfriend. don't worry, I don't want to steal her. see ya mate" would make it look weird/make it uncomfortable I guess). If his/her partner isn't ok with it, it comes down to the person you want to keep as a friend. While I think that a relationship where there is a (baseless) severe lack of trust isn't a very stable one, I still think that both get something out of the relationship, which leads them to stick with it. In other words, you can risk the happiness of 2 people for your own or try to tone your friendship down/put it on hold completely. I tend to tone it down/stop it completely if needed, besides if the person is a really close friend of mine and doesn't want to end it aswell. So far, I had mostly success with keeping those 3 facts in mind and being honest with my female friends/their boyfriends about it. Of course this only deals with the case of an friend with an partner. If there is no partner, there shouldn't be a problem, as long as you are ready to deal with the possibility of one-sided love (on both sides), but that chance isn't that big in my opinion. just ask yourself: how many friends do I have that fit my sexual preferences? did I fall for everyone of them? the answer should be no (unless you are one of those poor fellas that fall for everyone they see - than you're screwed). | ||
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obesechicken13
United States10467 Posts
On August 26 2014 04:40 DarkPlasmaBall wrote: My question wasn't intended to be insulting, and I'm sorry if you took offense. You mentioned graduation and I didn't know if you were talking about graduating high school or college... and then you talked about puberty. I think age and experience might matter when answering your questions, especially between a 16 year old and a 26 year old. I don't think you have to completely cut female friends out of your life; just make sure not to hit on them or flirt with them if you don't want to be seen as romantically/ sexually interested in them. Just communicate effectively what your intentions are, and try not to give mixed signals. You can still have platonic conversations about personal lives or work or school or whatever Fair enough. Thanks for the responses both of you. Communication seems to be the key. An aside I'll make is that when apologizing, the offended party often doesn't take apologies worded like "I'm sorry if you" to be sincere as blame is put on the offended party. In addition the apology must specify exactly what it is you did wrong, even if it's obvious. Eg. "I'm sorry I asked how old you were like that. I realize it can be interpreted to be a jab at someone's maturity." This helps to show that you'll consider not committing the offense in the future. They're parts 2. and 5. here. Coincidentally this could be relevant to others who need to apologize to S.Os. I often find it hard to apologize to others, especially online, but I do try to remember these points when I do want to apologize sincerely. These little details often bother me but maybe not everyone cares. And sometimes when people follow these guidelines to the dot I feel like I'm being handled. | ||
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