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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On November 19 2011 07:07 (The Doctor) wrote:
First, let me start by saying I'm a girl, I'm a gamer, and I'm a graduate student (so I've got a little perspective on this issue). I've enjoyed all the stories, but I thought I'd provide some advice:
1) Have your own interests/ambitions/goals, and get yourself set towards them first. I don't care what you look like: guys with ambitions attractive! It doesn't have to be anything huge; just have some sort of ambition to do something. Caveat: while I would find being an amazing Starcraft player or super-nerd very attractive, I'm a special case. Pick up a guitar. Start rock climbing. Cook. Have some hobby of your own.
2) Related to 1): do some serious personality assessment. Figure out who you are, and especially if there are ways you can improve yourself. Girls love confidence (remember: there's a fine line between confidence and being an ass!), but it has to be genuine. Most girls who are honestly looking for relationships and who are worth having are pretty perceptive. So, as lame as it sounds, be yourself (but, an examined self, in the philosophical sense).
3) Look for people you like spending time with, not ones you only like looking at! I admit that there has to be a physical attraction, and physicality is important in a relationship. But, in the end, personality is what determines how well the relationship goes. Remember, for girls, personality is tied up with physical attraction. If she doesn't like who you are or, more importantly, how you make her feel about herself then the attraction will go too.
Also, while I admit that many females are manipulative, not all are. So please stop assuming that all girls are out to play you...sometimes, there are other explanations for why something went wrong. And trust me, bitterness is not fun. I certainly don't assume all guys are out to play me, even if my experience dictates otherwise.
Good luck!
I'm sorry, but I couldn't help laughing at this 
I've always held the belief that what I find attrative about a girl is probably the same she would be looking for in a guy - i.e. intelligence, ambition, kindness and selfconfidence. Glad to see that wasn't all wrong...
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On November 19 2011 07:17 Ghostcom wrote:Show nested quote +On November 19 2011 07:07 (The Doctor) wrote:
First, let me start by saying I'm a girl, I'm a gamer, and I'm a graduate student (so I've got a little perspective on this issue). I've enjoyed all the stories, but I thought I'd provide some advice:
1) Have your own interests/ambitions/goals, and get yourself set towards them first. I don't care what you look like: guys with ambitions attractive! It doesn't have to be anything huge; just have some sort of ambition to do something. Caveat: while I would find being an amazing Starcraft player or super-nerd very attractive, I'm a special case. Pick up a guitar. Start rock climbing. Cook. Have some hobby of your own.
2) Related to 1): do some serious personality assessment. Figure out who you are, and especially if there are ways you can improve yourself. Girls love confidence (remember: there's a fine line between confidence and being an ass!), but it has to be genuine. Most girls who are honestly looking for relationships and who are worth having are pretty perceptive. So, as lame as it sounds, be yourself (but, an examined self, in the philosophical sense).
3) Look for people you like spending time with, not ones you only like looking at! I admit that there has to be a physical attraction, and physicality is important in a relationship. But, in the end, personality is what determines how well the relationship goes. Remember, for girls, personality is tied up with physical attraction. If she doesn't like who you are or, more importantly, how you make her feel about herself then the attraction will go too.
Also, while I admit that many females are manipulative, not all are. So please stop assuming that all girls are out to play you...sometimes, there are other explanations for why something went wrong. And trust me, bitterness is not fun. I certainly don't assume all guys are out to play me, even if my experience dictates otherwise.
Good luck!
I'm sorry, but I couldn't help laughing at this I've always held the belief that what I find attrative about a girl is probably the same she would be looking for in a guy - i.e. intelligence, ambition, kindness and selfconfidence. Glad to see that wasn't all wrong...
Hmm, aren't we saying the same thing here? I think your belief is right and my post doesn't really contradict it (does it?), but I can't tell if your 'Glad to see that wasn't all wrong...' is expressing exasperation or relief...
And I'm sorry I made you laugh. I was trying to help 
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Hmm where to start? Well my luck hasn't been great. 19 years old, No kisses, still a virgin, never had a girlfriend. But the most frustrating thing is that i had such golden opportunities. I remember back in my Sophomore year of highschool, i met this girl, and she wasnt great looking, but we connected in a way i havent been able to re-capture with anyone else since. We were both very very much into each other, but we were both a little too shy to try and shake up our friendship. One night that summer, we were hanging out and she just had a little bit to drink. At the time i didnt drink ( i do now), and so the time came. There was a spark between us we were going to kiss, but at the last second i backed out. I thought in my head that she had been drinking, and if she wasnt right in the mind that she might not forgive me. Nothing happened, later she thanked me for not making a move, but when we finally decided to try and start dating, she got grounded for 3 weeks (she actually got caught for drinking that same night).
Afterwards things werent the same, she wasn't as in to me as before. She thought i had become a little stale, and from that point on all the feelings were gone on my side. Any woman that is that fickle turned me off. Funny story, later that year she called me and tried to convince me to take her back, but i just didnt have the heart to say yes. We havent talked since. My best friend for basically 2 years, gone. Strangely, just after this another girl ( her friend, and much more attractive) started showing some interest. But at this point i was just doubting myself constantly. I convinced myself there was no way she could like me, she was far too attractive, too nice, etc. So when she told me she liked me, but didnt want to mess up our friendship (....cliche much).
Since then, my lifes been full of doubt and regret. I basically regret every single thing ive done since these moments. The biggest one being quitting football my junior year. Without the pressure of football i got more out of shape, leading to less confidence, leading to me being less social, etc. Its frustrating, because i have a good, no great, loyal group of friends, im in college, i drink ( i might get less confident as i drink lol), im social (debatable), but i just dont have the confidence in myself necessary to sustain a relationship. Plus none of my friends know any of this, and i fear the day they find out, endless ridicule will be my life. Its like at this point, every day is just another reason no one will like me. How do you even explain something like this on an early date? Do you not talk about it and just pray she doesnt notice ( ha! )? Im an awkward person ( as in clumsy, bad dancer, very white (not pale lol)), and it just seems so unlikely at this point that anything will ever happen, so why should i bother trying? And as long as i can talk myself out of it, i dont see my fortunes changing. There is a lot i could continue to talk about, personality wise, that i wrestle with every day. Its like im hyper-competitive (sometimes i amaze myself how much i care about winning), but incredibly shy and insecure. I want to win but i cant believe in myself enough to truly be a competitor in anything. I rage and whine about video games when i cant win, but i cant face my insecurities and fix my weaknesses in my game. So yeah, thats enough rambling about my life, I pray none of my friends check this thread out ( im 5 seconds away from creating a new account to post this under, if they find out im so screwed).
good day all
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On November 19 2011 07:56 (The Doctor) wrote:Show nested quote +On November 19 2011 07:17 Ghostcom wrote:On November 19 2011 07:07 (The Doctor) wrote:
First, let me start by saying I'm a girl, I'm a gamer, and I'm a graduate student (so I've got a little perspective on this issue). I've enjoyed all the stories, but I thought I'd provide some advice:
1) Have your own interests/ambitions/goals, and get yourself set towards them first. I don't care what you look like: guys with ambitions attractive! It doesn't have to be anything huge; just have some sort of ambition to do something. Caveat: while I would find being an amazing Starcraft player or super-nerd very attractive, I'm a special case. Pick up a guitar. Start rock climbing. Cook. Have some hobby of your own.
2) Related to 1): do some serious personality assessment. Figure out who you are, and especially if there are ways you can improve yourself. Girls love confidence (remember: there's a fine line between confidence and being an ass!), but it has to be genuine. Most girls who are honestly looking for relationships and who are worth having are pretty perceptive. So, as lame as it sounds, be yourself (but, an examined self, in the philosophical sense).
3) Look for people you like spending time with, not ones you only like looking at! I admit that there has to be a physical attraction, and physicality is important in a relationship. But, in the end, personality is what determines how well the relationship goes. Remember, for girls, personality is tied up with physical attraction. If she doesn't like who you are or, more importantly, how you make her feel about herself then the attraction will go too.
Also, while I admit that many females are manipulative, not all are. So please stop assuming that all girls are out to play you...sometimes, there are other explanations for why something went wrong. And trust me, bitterness is not fun. I certainly don't assume all guys are out to play me, even if my experience dictates otherwise.
Good luck!
I'm sorry, but I couldn't help laughing at this I've always held the belief that what I find attrative about a girl is probably the same she would be looking for in a guy - i.e. intelligence, ambition, kindness and selfconfidence. Glad to see that wasn't all wrong... Hmm, aren't we saying the same thing here? I think your belief is right and my post doesn't really contradict it (does it?), but I can't tell if your 'Glad to see that wasn't all wrong...' is expressing exasperation or relief... And I'm sorry I made you laugh. I was trying to help
It was more of reassurance than anything else - we do 100% agree it seems And if anything I should be the one to apologize - it is after all your "bitterness" I was laughing at
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On November 19 2011 08:10 Ghostcom wrote:Show nested quote +On November 19 2011 07:56 (The Doctor) wrote:On November 19 2011 07:17 Ghostcom wrote:On November 19 2011 07:07 (The Doctor) wrote:
First, let me start by saying I'm a girl, I'm a gamer, and I'm a graduate student (so I've got a little perspective on this issue). I've enjoyed all the stories, but I thought I'd provide some advice:
1) Have your own interests/ambitions/goals, and get yourself set towards them first. I don't care what you look like: guys with ambitions attractive! It doesn't have to be anything huge; just have some sort of ambition to do something. Caveat: while I would find being an amazing Starcraft player or super-nerd very attractive, I'm a special case. Pick up a guitar. Start rock climbing. Cook. Have some hobby of your own.
2) Related to 1): do some serious personality assessment. Figure out who you are, and especially if there are ways you can improve yourself. Girls love confidence (remember: there's a fine line between confidence and being an ass!), but it has to be genuine. Most girls who are honestly looking for relationships and who are worth having are pretty perceptive. So, as lame as it sounds, be yourself (but, an examined self, in the philosophical sense).
3) Look for people you like spending time with, not ones you only like looking at! I admit that there has to be a physical attraction, and physicality is important in a relationship. But, in the end, personality is what determines how well the relationship goes. Remember, for girls, personality is tied up with physical attraction. If she doesn't like who you are or, more importantly, how you make her feel about herself then the attraction will go too.
Also, while I admit that many females are manipulative, not all are. So please stop assuming that all girls are out to play you...sometimes, there are other explanations for why something went wrong. And trust me, bitterness is not fun. I certainly don't assume all guys are out to play me, even if my experience dictates otherwise.
Good luck!
I'm sorry, but I couldn't help laughing at this I've always held the belief that what I find attrative about a girl is probably the same she would be looking for in a guy - i.e. intelligence, ambition, kindness and selfconfidence. Glad to see that wasn't all wrong... Hmm, aren't we saying the same thing here? I think your belief is right and my post doesn't really contradict it (does it?), but I can't tell if your 'Glad to see that wasn't all wrong...' is expressing exasperation or relief... And I'm sorry I made you laugh. I was trying to help It was more of reassurance than anything else - we do 100% agree it seems And if anything I should be the one to apologize - it is after all your "bitterness" I was laughing at
Ha! Okay good! Glad we agree...oh, and I laugh at my bitterness too, so no worries!
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Was in a 5.5 year relationship with a French girl, I live in the US on the east coast. I was all in, committed, everything. Then she left.
This was about half a year ago. I haven't been able to get a date since and I'm trying really, really hard to not be bitter.
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I got to level 18 in league of legends!
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On November 19 2011 06:19 Wuster wrote:Show nested quote +On November 01 2011 15:41 eVolvE342 wrote:On October 26 2011 05:19 arbitrationus wrote:
Im gonna say this once, cuz I genuinly feel bad for alot of you posting here, but dont want to argue endlessly with anyone about my opinion so here goes.
Dating is not a matter of luck or not. Getting girls YOU WANT is not a matter of chance. Having options to choose from (and not being desperate losers) is all in your control.
Im not calling everyone here a loser. Im saying that Ive read some pretty pathetic posts, and that it actually saddens me to see them, I genuinly feel bad for those posters who I wont single out by name : (
You want chicks? You want to not be forever alone? Its not a science, its very simple.
BE ATTRACTIVE. THAT IS IT. GIRLS ARE NOT ATRRACTED TO YOU DUDE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE. AND UNLESS YOU LOOK LIKE THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTREDAME, THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR YOU TO BE UNATTRACTIVE OTHER THEN YOUR OWN LAZINESS. GIRLS SEE HOW YOU APPEAR, THAT IS THEIR FIRST IMPRESSION. IF YOU ARE UNATTRACTIVE, YOU COULD BE THE SWEETEST LITTLE CUPCAKE IN THE WORLD AND IT WONT MATTER. YOUR CONFIDENCE WILL SUFFER, YOUR APPEARENCE IS ALREADY SUFFERING, AND THEY WILL CHOOSE NOT TO SUFFER A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU.
Steps to take:
1) Go the gym 4-6 times in a week. Learn how to excercise, learn how to lift weights. Do that. Get off your lazy butt and do it. Get in pristine shape, the best possible shape you could push yourself to.
2) Buy new clothes. Dont wear your Team Liquid limited edition headband and underwear unless youve got muscle underneath it. Wear clothes that are cool looking and fashionable.
3) Come back here and message me. I challenge ANYONE here to do what I just suggested, (getting in good shape and taking care of your looks) and show me that theyre still failing in the dating department. I guarantee you, right here right now, you will see what you have been missing all along.
Why do douchebag guys get the girls all the time? 9 times out of 10, its cuz they look good. Period.
All that confidence and swag comes with being confident in your appearence. You can be an intellectually competent dude and fellow Starcraft player, but if you look like trash the girls will keep treating you as such.
Im not trolling, and I hope you dudes seriously take what I said into consideration. I myself am personally striving to be the most attractive I can be (even though Ive been in a relationship for 8 years or so), and the increasing attention I get outside of my relationship is definetly becoming a confidence booster.
I cant believe I went for so long thinking of a billion reasons why I wasnt paid attention too. And it was as simple as that, if your ugly and unattractive why should you expect to have girls grovel for you?
Look good, and you will feel good, the ladies who start to ask YOU for time should be enough evidence of that. I would not consider myself a shallow guy at all and as much as it pains me to say this, this post has as lot of truth to it. I don't think it explains it all, but it is definitely a great place to start. Girls really do pay attention to how you treat your body. I would like to expand upon this post a bit with some other details that MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD and that are things that won't take 6 days a week in the gym to accomplish. 1. SHOWER - this might sound really self explanatory but you have no idea how much BO deters women, and how often I see guys trying to pick up girls when they are smelling bad. Wow it is unreal, be honest with yourself and if you have even the slightest BO make sure you are taking regular showers and using a scented deodorant. Seriously, if you smell bad say good by to your girl prospects. And if you have a bo problem just keep a small stick of deodorant or cologne (don't use too much! and dont use AXE unless your 13 years old please) in your bag/car/pocket. 2. Physical Hygiene. this is another one that seems pretty easy but so many people don't follow it (myself included at times). You don't have to get a fresh hair cut every week but groom yourself up a bit. If you have long nails/dirt underneath them get red of them. Make sure your hair isn't greasy. Wear decent clothes... you don't always have to be dressed up but don't present yourself in an unappealing manner. I know you may love your old baneling shirt that you game in all the time but don't wear that out when you are looking to talk to girls. I think the above post does a good job talking about getting in shape but I have to say I would start with a lot of running! Running with tone you up and help remove any fat you have. A tone body is a winning body as far as women are concerned. Lets talk a little bit about conversational topics. 1. I know that we all love our nerdy topics, including starcraft. This does not mean that you should bring these topics up in small talk with girls. Girls really don't mind nerdiness, they really dont (mostly)! BUT most girls don't want to be bombarded with nerdiness as a conversation starter. Girls will find your nerdiness cute later... when you introduce them to it ... later... but if you open up a conversation talking about starcraft or chemistry or whatever else girls are going to take it as too much. It is just a part of our culture. This is not to say that you should hide your personality though. Just sensor yourself a little bit at first. While different people have different ideas of what works best when talking to girls my style is to be observant, patient, and humorous. Some people swear by aggressive approaches in conversation. For me, this just seems really ineffective as you may end up pissing off/ creeping girls out. (also seems kind of of d-bagish) I like to take a friendly approach to the situation. Talk a bit, learn some information about her, remember it, and bring it back up later in the form of a joke or slight tease. You would be very surprised by how much girls notice when you remember things that they said or did. Girls really like directed attention. Yeah sure you could walk up to 100 girls and say the same thing to all of them and maybe get a couple responses but thats very generic with a low success rate. Plus how would you ever know that you are talking to a girl that you would actually have an interest in 6 months or 2 years down the road? I feel like a personal approach is much better. Yeah, it requires a bit more work but if you actually want to talk to a girl it should be easy to do. Bah this has just turned into ramblings by this point. While, I don't fully agree with the first quote, I do agree with the second and wanted to expand on why these things are important. On the hygiene front, most girls have higher standards than guys, so if you are a guy with below average hygiene where is that going to get you? The average girl thinks the average guy is dirty; I'm not a slob and yet my GF constantly points out where I'm being dirty, ect. But since she thinks all guys are dirty it's not a real problem between us, more of an fyi. If I *were* dirtier than the average guy, then she would run so fast in the other direction I'd think she was the Flash. There was a guy I knew who was proud of being messy; he even told us that a girl broke up with him saying - 'I can't marry someone this messy'. Don't be that guy, it's such a small lifestyle adjustment to get to an average level of clean. I also agree with focusing more on toned than ripped. There was a study where girls and guys were asked to rate how attractive male models were based on their muscles. Guess what? Girls started rating males attractive at something like 30% less muscle mass than guys did. Most girls don't want a muscle bound meat-head. It looks unnatural to them, they want someone who looks in shape. Besides, getting in shape isn't a bad thing (especially once you get into your 20's the decline can happen really fast if you don't watch it). The note on conversation is also important. A lot of guys will say, well I'm going to talk about topic x, y, z anyways because I want a girl who likes me for who I am. Well the reality is that you are looking for a girl who is basically a guy. They do exist, but is that what you really want? I'm guessing people want a girl who's not a dude in disguise. Well that means treating them like a girl, again don't be fake about it, talk about things you both like is a good start. You don't have to fake interest and you can at least find some common ground to build around. Beside if you insist on forcing some nerdy topic on a girl when she's clearly not interested... how inconsiderate is that? It's just like how you'd hate it if all she talked about was shoes and handbags. Later, once you guys are further along then the difference become endearing and even ways to assert how you are different from other guys (cuz chances are she's not hanging out with a bunch of SC2 fanatics). And that in turn will make you more unique/special. Sorry to bring up this old derail, but it did strike me as good advice and pretty simple stuff to be aware of (other people are right, looks/fitness matter much less to girls as long as you aren't on the extreme ends of fat/muscle-bound).
To comment on these sets of posts. I don't agree with the first post. That really only matters for a bar scene where the only thing people care about is that first impression of if you are worthwhile. So yes, at a bar being attractive does matter somewhat, but its not hard to look good enough to get a girl, its really not.
More importantly is charisma and not really caring. If you know how to start a conversation and how to go about it without looking desperate that's what gets girls in anything besides a bar scenario. I genuinely don't give a shit if I have sex with a girl or not, and I go into conversations and will say ridiculous things and whatever I want and it works. You can't wreak of desperation and you have to make them aware that you don't care. Not by saying it and being a dick, you don't have to. Just don't try to impress them, don't really try and just be yourself and eventually it will work out.
I am not going to pretend that will nail you any girl in the world, but I find any girl worth dating or talking to being yourself and relaxed is the best approach. I can't comment on how things work at a bar though since I generally don't drink, but I imagine aesthetics matter more in that scenario.
As a note though, I do shower 2+ times a day and work out because I enjoy it. I hate the idea of being dirty and I am in *okay* shape. So aesthetics could have something to do with it, but I think I am of average appearance but figured it was worth noting.
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I've been in a few relations.... I've been dating a girl for almost 5 years.
I must say that being yourself and not trying to hide your hobbies is something really important in a relationship.
Best of luck to all of you nerd ballers.
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lmao, just like the name suggests...
havent even talked to a girl my whole life and I'm 21 
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On November 19 2011 15:10 fatworthlessvirgin wrote:lmao, just like the name suggests... havent even talked to a girl my whole life and I'm 21
damn everything about your id and sig screams that you hate on yourself.
Get some more confidence bro! The chicks will come rolling in.
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On November 19 2011 15:21 BrassMonkey wrote:Show nested quote +On November 19 2011 15:10 fatworthlessvirgin wrote:lmao, just like the name suggests... havent even talked to a girl my whole life and I'm 21 damn everything about your id and sig screams that you hate on yourself. Get some more confidence bro! The chicks will come rolling in.
haha. na, no point. small package, ugly, bad personality. I'll steer clear 
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Confidence comes so easy when you have a girlfriend, without one I find myself suddenly lacking in this. Probably just need to harden up and do things that aren't always in my comfort zone.
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On November 19 2011 09:28 Gahlo wrote:
Was in a 5.5 year relationship with a French girl, I live in the US on the east coast. I was all in, committed, everything. Then she left.
This was about half a year ago. I haven't been able to get a date since and I'm trying really, really hard to not be bitter.
just give it some time, wound prob not healed yet
I hope you can understand why someone who's bitter is totally unattractive
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its funny to read all the posts from people 18 and under. as a grad student and someone who has been through college and done the whole dating, clubbing, random hook ups and anything inbetween, dont get into relationships until junior year of college. There are some exceptions but srsly, ur young and u will be able to get away with stuff u wont be able to when u have a job, house/apt, etc. go out have fun and dgaf, and make sure not to confuse love with lust, done that a few times
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On November 19 2011 15:36 SDnNs wrote:
its funny to read all the posts from people 18 and under. as a grad student and someone who has been through college and done the whole dating, clubbing, random hook ups and anything inbetween, dont get into relationships until junior year of college. There are some exceptions but srsly, ur young and u will be able to get away with stuff u wont be able to when u have a job, house/apt, etc. go out have fun and dgaf, and make sure not to confuse love with lust, done that a few times
well usually if you still enjoy your partner's company after you came, it's a good sign
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I got lucky in that I got friendzoned by a girl with a libido like a rabid rabbit. All the benefits of rampant merrymaking with a good looking and incredibly horny young lady when we're in the same town (which is sadly not that often) without the need to be a perpetual pillar of strength. The arrangement, needless to say, suits me plenty fine.
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Funny to see one of these threads on TL . I personally can't understand the point of relationships at all, other than that it might be comfortable to not feel like you have to pick up girls every time you go to a night club or w/e.
I can obviously understand that some guys choose to girlfriend a girl who's way hotter than the girls they usually manage to get, but still, how the hell can you not get bored by the same girl after more than 2 months? From my point of view, it must be quite pointless after as long as 2 months unless you like the girl so much that you would consider marrying her.
Tbh, I think it would be really nice if people under the age of like 23-25 just dropped this relationship bullshit, it doesn't make any sense to be in a serious relationship in that age. Club life would have been so much better if the relationship culture just dissapeared, girls are almost always faithfull(ok maybe not almost always, but mostly) even when they go out, guys on the other, hand don't give a fk if they are in a relationship when they are out.
So please, stay single!
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On November 19 2011 09:30 obesechicken13 wrote:
I got to level 18 in league of legends!
I got to lvl 20
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EPT
