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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
The actions tell the girl you don't want to just be close friends (friend with beyond-normal ability to commiserate if you've known her a while.)
Simply giving out one word responses and going away can be taken as spiteful, or in other wrong ways.
If close friend isn't on the table, you behave like she doesn't mean anything to you (which is kinda the current state of things). An acquaintance. You're not rude to acquaintances. If she can be attracted to you/is attracted, it needs some time to develop. Can she live without you in her life (exaggerating b/c I'm no wordsmith)? If there is something there, that's the question that she answers. Because you're not available to be in her life as a "girlfriend."
If there's a change in her behavior later (no longer the what's wrong tack), you go on to all the abundant advice here.
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So... a new story from train-wreck Mentalizor's horrible dating life:
The background:
+ Show Spoiler +A few week back I ended up sleeping with my best friend, crushing on her, telling her, she (of course) rejected me... and I've had a few weeks break from the whole dating scene.
The setup:
+ Show Spoiler +So my best friend (mentioned above) actually went out with my x-gf (who I was with for 7½ years, who left me in november for another guy... gg), resulting in us getting somewhat in a fight. So I go to a bar at my friends university to meet some new people. Having a good night. Talking to people. Suddenly notices my jacket has been stolen with keys inside - luckely had phone and wallet on me. Anyway - keys gone, I can't get home. Friend asks if I can't just sleep at my friends place. "We're kindda fighting... and she's with my x... so no, not tonight"... So he offers I can sleep at his place... Good guy. We go from the university bar to another bar just across the street with a (female) friend of his. We get drunk, she asks where I'm sleeping - tell her the situation - she says she'll join in. So the three of us split a taxi to his place.
The night:
+ Show Spoiler +The three of us get to his place - shit drunk (I've had ~10 shots, 4 rum&coke and about 3-4 liters of beer). So we put on some music and start dancing, but the neighbours complain so we end up in his bed. Almost asleep I hear "Mentalizor, you aren't sleeping in that much clothes, are you?" - "What?"... Look at them... They both had their shirts off. She asks me to take off my pants... Well, I'm single and she's a straight 9... Why not? At the point my friend (who has a gf) gets out of bed to go crash on the couch. So me and this girl I've just met are naked in my friends bed... While he is lying just across the room. Bottomline: Nothing happens, we just end up talking all night. At 10 o'clock in the morning we get up (without having any sleep at all) get some eggs, bacs, coffee etc etc for breakfast and then I leave.
The aftermath:
+ Show Spoiler +This all happened last friday (or well saturday morning). So I added her on facebook monday figuring - sure, I don't know her that well - but she was pretty, sweet and really interesting. She accepts the friend request and strikes up a conversation. We chat all day on facebook and she ends up giving me her number (without me asking for it). Now the following two days we've send 152 texts and she called me up 02:30 this morning. She was drunk after a concert - she wanted me to come. I tell her I'm way too sober for that, but she could take a cab to my appartment - I'd pay. She says she has to work in the morning, so it wouldn't make sence to sleep at my place. And since I already told her I wasn't doing anything today, why wouldn't I just join her now?...
What do I do guys  ? I've honestly no idea about her intentions... I mean... She keeps sending signals and such... But when I actually go all out (offer a cab to my appartment) she doesn't do it... And... I can't help but figure, if something would happen between us, it would've happened when we were lying naked together. Spoken with two friends about it, who say "a girl most likely wouldn't do it, when your friend is on the couch in the same room - so you can't draw anything from that"...
Does TL have any suggestions/thoughts/tips?
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On September 19 2013 21:36 Mentalizor wrote:So... a new story from train-wreck Mentalizor's horrible dating life: The background:+ Show Spoiler +A few week back I ended up sleeping with my best friend, crushing on her, telling her, she (of course) rejected me... and I've had a few weeks break from the whole dating scene. So my best friend (mentioned above) actually went out with my x-gf (who I was with for 7½ years, who left me in november for another guy... gg), resulting in us getting somewhat in a fight. So I go to a bar at my friends university to meet some new people. Having a good night. Talking to people. Suddenly notices my jacket has been stolen with keys inside - luckely had phone and wallet on me. Anyway - keys gone, I can't get home. Friend asks if I can't just sleep at my friends place. "We're kindda fighting... and she's with my x... so no, not tonight"... So he offers I can sleep at his place... Good guy. We go from the university bar to another bar just across the street with a (female) friend of his. We get drunk, she asks where I'm sleeping - tell her the situation - she says she'll join in. So the three of us split a taxi to his place. The three of us get to his place - shit drunk (I've had ~10 shots, 4 rum&coke and about 3-4 liters of beer). So we put on some music and start dancing, but the neighbours complain so we end up in his bed. Almost asleep I hear "Mentalizor, you aren't sleeping in that much clothes, are you?" - "What?"... Look at them... They both had their shirts off. She asks me to take off my pants... Well, I'm single and she's a straight 9... Why not? At the point my friend (who has a gf) gets out of bed to go crash on the couch. So me and this girl I've just met are naked in my friends bed... While he is lying just across the room. Bottomline: Nothing happens, we just end up talking all night. At 10 o'clock in the morning we get up (without having any sleep at all) get some eggs, bacs, coffee etc etc for breakfast and then I leave. This all happened last friday (or well saturday morning). So I added her on facebook monday figuring - sure, I don't know her that well - but she was pretty, sweet and really interesting. She accepts the friend request and strikes up a conversation. We chat all day on facebook and she ends up giving me her number (without me asking for it). Now the following two days we've send 152 texts and she called me up 02:30 this morning. She was drunk after a concert - she wanted me to come. I tell her I'm way too sober for that, but she could take a cab to my appartment - I'd pay. She says she has to work in the morning, so it wouldn't make sence to sleep at my place. And since I already told her I wasn't doing anything today, why wouldn't I just join her now?... What do I do guys ? I've honestly no idea about her intentions... I mean... She keeps sending signals and such... But when I actually go all out (offer a cab to my appartment) she doesn't do it... And... I can't help but figure, if something would happen between us, it would've happened when we were lying naked together. Spoken with two friends about it, who say "a girl most likely wouldn't do it, when your friend is on the couch in the same room - so you can't draw anything from that"... Does TL have any suggestions/thoughts/tips?
Shes not into you man. Just leave it alone and go masturbate yourself watching asian porn. You can't be ignored by your hand.
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She probably liked that you didnt sleep with her or be too pushy that night. That it didnt doesnt mean she doesnt have fantasies about what could have happened, I bet you do!
Try get to spend time with her, drunk or not, and carefully send out signals you like her. Touching, first just friendly but show affection, and eye contact...You will find out if she responds or not. Have patience, no need to rush obvious sex invitations, a few hints is plenty.
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^ I don't exactly understand your problem. There is a "9" that asked you to come over late at night when she was drunk. Chances are, she might not be that open about her intentions when she is sober, but she probably has some interest in you. Just continue with what you already did and meet her again some time, everything else should come naturally.
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On September 19 2013 22:23 Slydie wrote:+ Show Spoiler +She probably liked that you didnt sleep with her or be too pushy that night. That it didnt doesnt mean she doesnt have fantasies about what could have happened, I bet you do!
Try get to spend time with her, drunk or not, and carefully send out signals you like her. Touching, first just friendly but show affection, and eye contact...You will find out if she responds or not. Have patience, no need to rush obvious sex invitations, a few hints is plenty.
I don't know... Sure, I wasn't pushy at all. Would be strange. I mean there was small things - but nothing more than e.g. grabbing her ass. It's strange with her though - because I actually found her so interesting I really didn't need the sex in the situation. But how do I push to see what her intentions are? I would be afraid of last night ending up being awkward (I mean - offering a cab is a pretty obvious indication of my motives) but we've texted each other today aswell. So I really don't know..
On September 19 2013 22:31 Broetchenholer wrote:+ Show Spoiler +^ I don't exactly understand your problem. There is a "9" that asked you to come over late at night when she was drunk. Chances are, she might not be that open about her intentions when she is sober, but she probably has some interest in you. Just continue with what you already did and meet her again some time, everything else should come naturally.
My problem was... She wouldn't come to my place - but yet she invited me... But she didn't invite me to her place - at 2:30am she invited me to find her at some bar... Just the thought of getting in there, see her for ~1hour and then go home seperatly would just be dumb imo. And considering she didn't want to come to my appartment, how should I figure if me showing up at the bar for her would lead to anything?
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Ok, this makes more sense. I won't give you advice, not my place, but i will tell you how i would read the situation if i were you. You both like each other, you find her interesting and she thinks at least you are fun to be around. She enjoys your company but doesn't necessarily want to sleep with you without knowing you enough.
What do you lose by hanging our with her? What do you gain by making an obvious move to force her to chose between sleeping with you and not being with you at all?
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I agree it was a good move to not move your sober ass 2'30 in the morning to a random bar just because a girl asked you to do it. Sometimes they do this weird dance of "lets see if I can get the guy to do X for me", and if you fall for it, you are out of the game. I'd say if you are interested in pursuing her, get her to meet on your terms and work on from there.
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On September 19 2013 22:23 Slydie wrote:
She probably liked that you didnt sleep with her or be too pushy that night. That it didnt doesnt mean she doesnt have fantasies about what could have happened, I bet you do!
Try get to spend time with her, drunk or not, and carefully send out signals you like her. Touching, first just friendly but show affection, and eye contact...You will find out if she responds or not. Have patience, no need to rush obvious sex invitations, a few hints is plenty.
Or she's frustrated he didn't sleep with her... I mean shit, they were naked together in a bed. Just go out with her again, you don't have to be drinking, get her back to your place and make love to her. You know she wants it.
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On September 20 2013 01:27 FeUerFlieGe wrote:Show nested quote +On September 19 2013 22:23 Slydie wrote:
She probably liked that you didnt sleep with her or be too pushy that night. That it didnt doesnt mean she doesnt have fantasies about what could have happened, I bet you do!
Try get to spend time with her, drunk or not, and carefully send out signals you like her. Touching, first just friendly but show affection, and eye contact...You will find out if she responds or not. Have patience, no need to rush obvious sex invitations, a few hints is plenty. Or she's frustrated he didn't sleep with her... I mean shit, they were naked together in a bed. Just go out with her again, you don't have to be drinking, get her back to your place and make love to her. You know she wants it.
Oh but I probably should have mentioned this... Before last night she actually already asked if I wanted to hang out someday for a "coffee/beer/whatever", so we actually already have plans to see each other next week.
...and no I don't know... that's kindda my problem here 
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Does your course of action change with the exact knowledge of whether she wants to sleep with you right FUCKING now, after you have spend some time together, after you have really swept her off her feet or not at all?
If the answer is no, don't spend so much time thinking about the other questions that seems so relevant to you right now.
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On September 20 2013 01:47 Broetchenholer wrote:
Does your course of action change with the exact knowledge of whether she wants to sleep with you right FUCKING now, after you have spend some time together, after you have really swept her off her feet or not at all?
If the answer is no, don't spend so much time thinking about the other questions that seems so relevant to you right now.
The thing is, I'm really not sure actually. Because she's is just so damn interesting. She has experienced some stuff, has opinions and views I really find fascinating. I actually think she could become a really good friend... But on the other hand - I have toooons of friends, so I have a bigger need for some romance... And a pretty, sweet, interesting girl? Why not think about it possibly turn into more?
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On September 20 2013 02:07 Mentalizor wrote:Show nested quote +On September 20 2013 01:47 Broetchenholer wrote:
Does your course of action change with the exact knowledge of whether she wants to sleep with you right FUCKING now, after you have spend some time together, after you have really swept her off her feet or not at all?
If the answer is no, don't spend so much time thinking about the other questions that seems so relevant to you right now. The thing is, I'm really not sure actually. Because she's is just so damn interesting. She has experienced some stuff, has opinions and views I really find fascinating. I actually think she could become a really good friend... But on the other hand - I have toooons of friends, so I have a bigger need for some romance... And a pretty, sweet, interesting girl? Why not think about it possibly turn into more?
So your curse of action can be summarized by this posting from last page?
On September 19 2013 20:52 Funshines wrote:
how do i tell a girl, that friendzoned me, i dont want to be close friends. only reason i became close was because i wanted to date her. now that that is out of the picture i really dont want to socialize with her but she keeps asking me if somethings wrong and why i dont talk to her anymore and i just throw her some one word reply and walk away.
Only try to be friends with her if she wants to sleep with you? Because that's how it sounds. "Man, so torn, that very interesting girl i love to chat and talk with didn't want to sleep with me after knowing me for half a weak. How do i know whether she wants to suck my dick?"
Don't wonder whether she wants to sleep with you right now, go out with her and find out whether she wants to sleep with you later. What do you lose?????
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On September 20 2013 02:24 Broetchenholer wrote:Show nested quote +On September 20 2013 02:07 Mentalizor wrote:On September 20 2013 01:47 Broetchenholer wrote:
Does your course of action change with the exact knowledge of whether she wants to sleep with you right FUCKING now, after you have spend some time together, after you have really swept her off her feet or not at all?
If the answer is no, don't spend so much time thinking about the other questions that seems so relevant to you right now. The thing is, I'm really not sure actually. Because she's is just so damn interesting. She has experienced some stuff, has opinions and views I really find fascinating. I actually think she could become a really good friend... But on the other hand - I have toooons of friends, so I have a bigger need for some romance... And a pretty, sweet, interesting girl? Why not think about it possibly turn into more? So your curse of action can be summarized by this posting from last page? Show nested quote +On September 19 2013 20:52 Funshines wrote:
how do i tell a girl, that friendzoned me, i dont want to be close friends. only reason i became close was because i wanted to date her. now that that is out of the picture i really dont want to socialize with her but she keeps asking me if somethings wrong and why i dont talk to her anymore and i just throw her some one word reply and walk away. Only try to be friends with her if she wants to sleep with you? Because that's how it sounds. "Man, so torn, that very interesting girl i love to chat and talk with didn't want to sleep with me after knowing me for half a weak. How do i know whether she wants to suck my dick?" Don't wonder whether she wants to sleep with you right now, go out with her and find out whether she wants to sleep with you later. What do you lose?????
No no quite the contrairy. I don't have an urgent need for more friends. But if she just wants to be friends, I'd love it  She doesn't need to end up in a gf-potential-bowl in my head. However... I figure that's what would make the most sence to me? I'm up for whatever she feels like. Not really risking anything by exploring this. So... How do I figure out if she wants to be friends or more? It's not like I'm friendzoned here
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My luck has changed. First girlfriend in 4 years, and she somewhat enjoys Starcraft!
Now I just have to convert her into an anime lover like me.
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This is starting to sound like some weird brag blog thing. If you are into this girl and want her to be your gf, then take that action. Whether that means trying to get into her pants the next time you see her, or a slower, more measured approach, I'll leave to you.
If you don't want to get with her, and just want to be friends, then do that. It seems like you aren't aware that you have some agency in the situation. You keep talking about what she wants, but not what you want. People can be convinced of things, you know. That is a thing that can happen. If you want to get with her, try to convince her that it's a great idea (again, I'll leave it to you to fill in the blanks as to how).
Hint: Don't just walk up to her and tell her you like her. That usually doesn't go well. Make her have fun. Make her excited. Make her interested in you. The rest will follow.
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On September 19 2013 20:52 Funshines wrote:
how do i tell a girl, that friendzoned me, i dont want to be close friends. only reason i became close was because i wanted to date her. now that that is out of the picture i really dont want to socialize with her but she keeps asking me if somethings wrong and why i dont talk to her anymore and i just throw her some one word reply and walk away.
Aww dang she got relationship zoned so hard lol!
why is she good enough to date but not good enough to be your friend/socialize with?
or are you just incapable of getting over your feelings for her?
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On September 19 2013 20:52 Funshines wrote:
how do i tell a girl, that friendzoned me, i dont want to be close friends. only reason i became close was because i wanted to date her. now that that is out of the picture i really dont want to socialize with her but she keeps asking me if somethings wrong and why i dont talk to her anymore and i just throw her some one word reply and walk away.
See a lot of people don't realise that the guy not being brave enough to be upfront about his feelings to the girl hurts not just him when he gets rejected, but her too. She thinks she has a nice friend who likes her platonically and he thinks he has a potential romance who is just playing it slow. Both want completely different things and they are just delaying the inevitable, awkwardly and painfully. Men...we must all vow to express our desires quickly and expediently!
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If I could offer one piece of advice for people who are new in town... Use meetup.com to find a cool social circle/to meet wing girls but don't use it to meet girls you're interested in. There's too much cross pollination within groups and things can get awkward quickly (Imagine meeting two girls you've hooked up with in a single outing-- ughh).
Since I last posted I've met two pretty cute girls I' going out with (Through meetup). But I've started to use okcupid, tinder and a few other online dating sites + some facebook hooking up and I've met another reallly cute girl through okcupid. I think if you do it right you can meet 1 or 2 quality / cute girls through online stuff. Emphasis on quality because you're not meeting random girls, it's a highly filtered and efficient system to begin with.
I'm also a big fan of non-dates like others on this thread. I will usually have a whole bunch of stuff planned for the week (sometimes with friends) and I'll invite a girl to one of these things. If we get along then I invite her out again (usually a mutual activity for two).
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Happened a while ago but meh
I met a girl in a bar, chinese, funny intelligent and cute. She had a fucking stunning blonde chinese friend who was as uninteresting as she was beautiful, and another friend who's fat, gentle, and super drunk (seems like the start of a bad joke but it's true).
So like a month later they are here in another bar, by chance, and we chat again with the cute one. And suddenly i can't take it and go semi rambo "wanna kiss?", then a 1.5 seconds delay and she says "OK !" and there we go. She was the first girl i kissed and it was quite amazing mmh, no regrets.
But turns out she was reaaaally drunk and wouldn't remember anything the following day, i was too dumb to notice she was that drunk. Nevermind we go have dinner with her and her fat friend; guess she wanted to know what happenned and didn't want to come alone, wouldn't blame her for that mmh.
Dinner goes very well, they want the three of us to hang together after. We go on another bar and that night she doesn't drink and we have a long goodnight kiss at the end under the umbrella, way better than the first, and she wouldn't forget that time (or not for beverage reasons at least ! )
That's it, we saw each other a few times afterwards but it was kind of awkward so it didn't go further.
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EPT
