Dating: How's your luck? - Page 212

On July 14 2013 12:17 docvoc wrote:
Guys I need help. I don't want to make a blog out of this because I don't want to make an inane girl blog on this topic. I need help learning to trust my gf. She hasn't done anything wrong outside of a crush she had on one dude that ended 9 months ago. I'll admit that it really shook me up, but I don't understand what is wrong with me. I had a a fucking nightmare and then woke up and thought she was cheating after I had a call with her while she was at an environmental institute where some dudes were playing "guess the cupsize" with her and a bunch of girls in the room. I had this immense fear that she had cheated on me, when I know she loves me more than anything else and cherishes our relationship. She was just being social and I just freaked the fuck out. I feel like an idiot now and I feel like I need to work on this. How do I work on this? This is the second time she has gone off to a camp and I've had this reaciton. What the fuck do I do?

On July 14 2013 12:27 Kleinmuuhg wrote:

I personally would feel uncomfortable as well if my gf played such a game, but that is my opinion.

My advise is to be open and honest and talk to her. Tell her that you want to trust her and that you do not know why you feel the way you do but that you would appreciate her help. Encourage her to put herself in your position. How would she feel if she were you.
Honestly solving these kind of situations should be done together and not kept secret.

On July 14 2013 12:23 Zooper31 wrote:


Why did they end their relationship? Does he have bad thoughts about her that would make him say no? If not he'll
probably be cool with it and appreciate you saying something ahead of time.

On July 14 2013 12:17 docvoc wrote:
Guys I need help. I don't want to make a blog out of this because I don't want to make an inane girl blog on this topic. I need help learning to trust my gf. She hasn't done anything wrong outside of a crush she had on one dude that ended 9 months ago. I'll admit that it really shook me up, but I don't understand what is wrong with me. I had a a fucking nightmare and then woke up and thought she was cheating after I had a call with her while she was at an environmental institute where some dudes were playing "guess the cupsize" with her and a bunch of girls in the room. I had this immense fear that she had cheated on me, when I know she loves me more than anything else and cherishes our relationship. She was just being social and I just freaked the fuck out. I feel like an idiot now and I feel like I need to work on this. How do I work on this? This is the second time she has gone off to a camp and I've had this reaction. What the fuck do I do?

On July 14 2013 13:01 Dark_Chill wrote:


Yeah, you're not really going to get much advice on "how to trust someone" most likely. If she hasn't done anything wrong, then not trusting her is more you than her. In my experience, both sexes even when they have significant others will play games like truth or dare, spin the bottle, etc (though I've never heard of (guess the cupsize) if they're in a group situation because it's kind of awkward to say "sorry, can't play, I have a gf/bf".
It's also important to know that being worried is not some fatal disease or something only you have. She could easily be meeting tons of new people, people who she could like and people who like her.
So what can you do? Do something to take your mind off of it. Get a hobby, go out with friends, have a few nights on the town. Do you have anything that you like doing that you can't do when she's with you? Do it. When you're having fun or you're focused, it really helps to take the stress off of other parts of your life.

On July 14 2013 12:34 docvoc wrote:

I did that, and now I feel like crap. She told me that she was annoyed with herself for doing something that made me feel uncomfortable, but also replied that she felt like I didn't trust her. I do trust her, I just freaked out this time, the issue is that this is the second time I've done so and in the same situation that she was in. I guess I need to figure out a way to convey to her that I do trust her, but that I just freaked out and that I was uncomfortable with the conversation, but that I trust her. I just feel so lost sometimes, it's like when I try to speak publicly, I'm great, elocutionarily skilled. When I talk to my gf, I might as well stuff a llama down my throat. I'm so lost in myself right now , I need help on this one.

On July 14 2013 15:04 r.Evo wrote:
doc, you're taking a bad angle on this one.

"I don't trust her to not cheat on me for some irrational reason" - that statement, while entirely correct, is also entirely irrelevant if it comes to this scenario. First of all, we're talking about an emotional state you're in. Any logical approach (e.g. telling yourself that she hasn't done this in the past and that she tells you she loves you) will only make it worse. Your first option is to find emotional things that remind you of why she chose you for a relationship and not some random other dude who might be more funny or have more muscles. A logical reason here would be "Because I enjoy making her breakfest" an emotional reason would be "When I wake her up with breakfest she just lightens up and seems incredibly happy with me". If it gives you a warm fuzzy feeling it's a spot that will help you feel better when an irrational fear like that pops up.

Your other option (personally I recommend sticking with both) is to figure out what exactly your issue is. Important here is that where it originally comes from like someone else suggested is cool to know but again completely irrelevant. You might have to dive a bit deeper than usual for this one but the question you have to ask yourself is "What am I really afraid of? What actually scares me when I think about her cheating on me?" - the possible answers to this can range from "I don't think I'm good enough for her" over "I'm scared of being alone again after finding someone awesome" all the way to something like "I'm afraid of people leaving me in general".


Once you have an answer that you can phrase similarly to the above, ideally as a "I am afraid of xyz" that's where the honesty portion has to kick in. As you already figured out going to her with "some irrational reason" doesn't do you any good unless you frame it in a way that makes her help you figure it out instead of presenting it like your actual issue. Put yourself in her shoes, think about what you told her before and what you want to tell her now and imagine how you'd react. The more you can get to the core of what your issue really is the more she'll be able to emphasize and in the end help you out with it. You put her into a position where she gets told she isn't trustworthy without any hint or reasoning behind it. That shit hurts.

The position you should put her in is one where you tell her what you're afraid of without any mention of words like "cheating" or "trust". That's when she can help you out.


PS: No, "I'm afraid of losing you" doesn't cut it. Keep asking yourself "Why is that?" until there's nothing left to ask.

On July 15 2013 00:37 aTnClouD wrote:
It could be a matter of trusting her, it could be him not considering himself good enough anymore, it could be pretty much anything. What seems more logical to me is trying to work on himself so he sees himself as worthy of the relationship he treasures so much rather than working on the interaction itself. Everytime he shows insecurity he puts himself in a worse position and becomes less attractive to his girlfriend, which could actually lead to breaking up or cheating. I think putting yourself in the other person shoes is key. I wouldn't be too happy if I was a girl and my boyfriend shows this amount of insecurity, it means that he depends too much on me and that he is not as reliable anymore. Everyone live their relationship the way they want but that's not how a man should act.

On July 14 2013 20:59 r.Evo wrote:
You don't even have to tell us about it, it's relevant for you and no one else. It sounds good enough to tell her about it though. Make sure to frame it in a way that it's not about her possibly being too shallow, instead remind yourself and maybe even her about the whole thing that, for whatever irrelevant reason, it's a belief that you're carrying along over most likely a long time. It will go away by the time you realize, on an emotional level, that it's silly to begin with.

That's usually the point where she can ignore you being honest and call you a moron for it, or call you a moron for it and give you some reassurance here and there which might be all you need.

Be mindful of the difference between calling her, asking what's up, her believing you're jealous and reassuring you things are fine (control based from your side) and you calling her, knowing that she's aware of your issues and trusting her to give you reassurance when it's appropriate. If you're compatible in this regard she'll stick with the latter.

If you don't think she gets that difference from the start, try to communicate to her that you'd feel much better if she'd give you some reassurance here or there. Doesn't even have to be related to something specific, it just has to be there to make you feel safer.


In the long run your goal should be to become more comfortable with yourself in general. Ideally you want to reach the point where even if she (or anyone else for that matter) cheated on you it wouldn't ruin your self-image. That shit comes with time and some positive feedback here and there tho, don't stress it too much.


PS: Random example from her side: You don't want her to call you and tell you it's all fine and the guys are "just nice" and that she's going to sleep alone. You do want her to do small things here and there that remind you (not show you!) that/why she chose you over a handsome, tall and dark guy instead.

On July 14 2013 23:55 kaluro wrote:
@docvoc: If you feel insecure about your girlfriend doing A, B or C -> You're not actually trusting her.
In my opinion a relationship is based on trust, as long as she hasn't done anything wrong, the trust should be there.

If you are scared she'll leave you or cheat on you, you don't actually trust her. It doesn't matter if you're insecure or scared or irrationally suspicious -> If you'd trust her, you'd be content and at ease with the situation.

if she's going to leave you, she will do so anyway.
If she's going to cheat on you, she will do so anyway.

It's up to you to not push her into the above and ruin the relationship with your irrational fear. trust her and live your life, see how it evolves. There's nothing you can do about it other than murdering the guy, or kidnapping him off to a remote location permanently, which is not an option :p

On July 14 2013 21:17 Frenchguy wrote:
I haven't read the whole story, sorry I miss a part, and just looked at the last ones.
From my experience I would not recommend talking too much about your fears/self esteem issues.
Girls tend to prefer guys who are confident over guys with self esteem issues. Of course it's great to be honest and open, but don't lower yourself too much. She should feel she is lucky to be with you, not the other way around.

On July 15 2013 00:37 aTnClouD wrote:
It could be a matter of trusting her, it could be him not considering himself good enough anymore, it could be pretty much anything. What seems more logical to me is trying to work on himself so he sees himself as worthy of the relationship he treasures so much rather than working on the interaction itself. Everytime he shows insecurity he puts himself in a worse position and becomes less attractive to his girlfriend, which could actually lead to breaking up or cheating. I think putting yourself in the other person shoes is key. I wouldn't be too happy if I was a girl and my boyfriend shows this amount of insecurity, it means that he depends too much on me and that he is not as reliable anymore. Everyone live their relationship the way they want but that's not how a man should act.

On July 15 2013 01:44 farvacola wrote:

Best advice given. Take heed Doc