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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
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3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On July 15 2013 02:06 aTnClouD wrote:Show nested quote +On July 15 2013 01:44 farvacola wrote:On July 15 2013 01:43 obesechicken13 wrote:
@Doc, if she told you that she was playing the guess the cup game then there probably isn't much reason to suspect her of cheating. Why would anyone give evidence against themselves?
I think you can just talk to her and skip all the macho advice. Explain that you want to have fun with her friends, but that you're also concerned that she's cheating on you. Then explain to her that it's just an irrational thought that lots of guys have. You've probably had friends who trusted their girlfriends but later found out that they were being cheated on. Then just ask her to keep doing what she's been doing: telling you if she plays spin the bottle or truth or dare or anything else that stretches the boundaries of cheating. Best advice given. Take heed Doc  I know it's been trendy for the last 20 years promoting an attitude of a feminine, vulnerable male and it's easy to give wrong advice to people you don't care about, but you should consider that this guy is a real person, making mistakes and suffering and if you keep promoting his attitude he's going to lose his girlfriend for real. Women have a clear idea in mind of how a man should be and that's what they want. It's ok to show vulnerability but in this case he already went overboard and needs to step back and recollect himself.
I know it's been trendy to make hackneyed appeals as to what constitutes a man and then argue that every man ought to conform to this illusionary standard, but alas, availability heuristics can only get you so far. Sorry Cloud, but you aren't some magical arbiter of all things man, and contrary to conventional PUA wisdom, vulnerability can turn women on. But go on and insist that your understanding of men and women is somehow universal, I'm sure treating people according to their gender category will get you far.
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On July 15 2013 02:13 farvacola wrote:Show nested quote +On July 15 2013 02:06 aTnClouD wrote:On July 15 2013 01:44 farvacola wrote:On July 15 2013 01:43 obesechicken13 wrote:
@Doc, if she told you that she was playing the guess the cup game then there probably isn't much reason to suspect her of cheating. Why would anyone give evidence against themselves?
I think you can just talk to her and skip all the macho advice. Explain that you want to have fun with her friends, but that you're also concerned that she's cheating on you. Then explain to her that it's just an irrational thought that lots of guys have. You've probably had friends who trusted their girlfriends but later found out that they were being cheated on. Then just ask her to keep doing what she's been doing: telling you if she plays spin the bottle or truth or dare or anything else that stretches the boundaries of cheating. Best advice given. Take heed Doc I know it's been trendy for the last 20 years promoting an attitude of a feminine, vulnerable male and it's easy to give wrong advice to people you don't care about, but you should consider that this guy is a real person, making mistakes and suffering and if you keep promoting his attitude he's going to lose his girlfriend for real. Women have a clear idea in mind of how a man should be and that's what they want. It's ok to show vulnerability but in this case he already went overboard and needs to step back and recollect himself. I know it's been trendy to make hackneyed appeals as to what constitutes a man and then argue that every man ought to conform to this illusionary standard, but alas, availability heuristics can only get you so far. Sorry Cloud, but you aren't some magical arbiter of all things man, and contrary to conventional PUA wisdom, vulnerability can turn women on. But go on and insist that your understanding of men and women is somehow universal, I'm sure treating people according to their gender category will get you far.
There are things that work and things that don't. What you are suggesting him to do will not work because you are promoting exactly his self destrying attitude that has driven him to share his feelings here. Why do I know this? Because I've been acting exactly how you guys suggest my whole life and it caused me great pain. A few months ago I shifted my attitude totally towards what I'm advising to him and now I'm happier than ever with myself and my love life.
Being honest with you, purely based on the way you write and give reasoning, I don't value your opinion at all and I am not interested in having a conversation with you. I want to help the guy by sharing my experience of what works and what turns your partner off.
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Of course women find macho guys attractive, like I most men find supermodels or the like attractive. But pure physical attraction alone doesn't constitute a relationship.
As far as showing your soft side goes, it really depends on the person you're with. Some women like it some don't, chances are if she complains about your character she's not the person you're meant to be with.
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On July 15 2013 02:24 aTnClouD wrote:Show nested quote +On July 15 2013 02:13 farvacola wrote:On July 15 2013 02:06 aTnClouD wrote:On July 15 2013 01:44 farvacola wrote:On July 15 2013 01:43 obesechicken13 wrote:
@Doc, if she told you that she was playing the guess the cup game then there probably isn't much reason to suspect her of cheating. Why would anyone give evidence against themselves?
I think you can just talk to her and skip all the macho advice. Explain that you want to have fun with her friends, but that you're also concerned that she's cheating on you. Then explain to her that it's just an irrational thought that lots of guys have. You've probably had friends who trusted their girlfriends but later found out that they were being cheated on. Then just ask her to keep doing what she's been doing: telling you if she plays spin the bottle or truth or dare or anything else that stretches the boundaries of cheating. Best advice given. Take heed Doc I know it's been trendy for the last 20 years promoting an attitude of a feminine, vulnerable male and it's easy to give wrong advice to people you don't care about, but you should consider that this guy is a real person, making mistakes and suffering and if you keep promoting his attitude he's going to lose his girlfriend for real. Women have a clear idea in mind of how a man should be and that's what they want. It's ok to show vulnerability but in this case he already went overboard and needs to step back and recollect himself. I know it's been trendy to make hackneyed appeals as to what constitutes a man and then argue that every man ought to conform to this illusionary standard, but alas, availability heuristics can only get you so far. Sorry Cloud, but you aren't some magical arbiter of all things man, and contrary to conventional PUA wisdom, vulnerability can turn women on. But go on and insist that your understanding of men and women is somehow universal, I'm sure treating people according to their gender category will get you far. There are things that work and things that don't. What you are suggesting him to do will not work because you are promoting exactly his self destrying attitude that has driven him to share his feelings here. Why do I know this? Because I've been acting exactly how you guys suggest my whole life and it caused me great pain. A few months ago I shifted my attitude totally towards what I'm advising to him and now I'm happier than ever with myself and my love life. Being honest with you, purely based on the way you write and give reasoning, I don't value your opinion at all and I am not interested in having a conversation with you. I want to help the guy by sharing my experience of what works and what turns your partner off.
lol, you really should look up availability heuristics and why they make for logically unsound claims. And no matter how little you seem to care to argue, you keep quoting my posts, so I'll respond in kind. Contrary to what infomercials may tell you, saying "I did such and such and my life has been better than ever." does not make for an airtight claim.
I've gotten laid and been in long healthy relationships predicated on my ability to show feelings and act emotional around women.
See how useless that is?
On July 15 2013 02:31 positronic_toaster wrote:
Of course women find macho guys attractive, like I most men find supermodels or the like attractive. But pure physical attraction alone does't constitute a relationship.
As far as showing your soft side goes, it really depends on the person you're with. Some women like it some don't, chances are if she complains about your character she's not the person you're meant to be with.
lol, one post dude comes in with some excellent advice. Whodathunkit? Are you saying treat people like people? Wow, that's pretty crazy man.
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On July 15 2013 02:31 positronic_toaster wrote:
Of course women find macho guys attractive, like I most men find supermodels or the like attractive. But pure physical attraction alone does't constitute a relationship.
As far as showing your soft side goes, it really depends on the person you're with. Some women like it some don't, chances are if she complains about your character she's not the person you're meant to be with.
lol, one post dude comes in with some excellent advice. Whodathunkit? Are you saying treat people like people? Wow, that's pretty crazy man.
Lol, I think this is a time for dangerous ideas. But on a more serious note I just wanted to say, too many people are in relationships with people they are not compatible with. There are 7 billion people on this planet, it's highly unlikely that you'll not find one that likes you just the way you are. And there's no reason to rag on anybodies conceptions of relationships, there's somebody else who probably feel's and thinks the same way thus making the op's view a valid one in some cases.
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lawls the best advice is not to say anything to her and work on getting over your insecurity issues.
The parts about opening up to a girl is fine, if you're talking about general life problems (school, work, someone who passed), that chit is all good, but if you're opening up to her about how you are worried about her cheating on you? Dude comeon. You think she's not gonna feel guilty every time she talks to some guy. It's just bad news all around brah - don't do it
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Something like this has nothing to do with being either "macho/PUA/manly" or "whiney/emotional/open". There is a fine line that includes showing and accepting emotions while still maintaining a strong frame.
Being vulnerable is sexy if said vulnerability comes with honesty, a positive mindset and a strong will to improve. Acting on that will and following through with it usually seals the deal.
If you either believe that playing the martyr with all your feelings on the table at most times (sup farva and obese) or that you have to bottle it all up and play tough guy (sup cloud and asia) I highly suggest that you take a step back sometimes and figure out if that's really who you want to be or who you are. None of you are being rolemodels right now for someone who is genuinely asking for advice for a super common but still pretty tough spot for most people.
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On July 15 2013 05:18 r.Evo wrote:
Something like this has nothing to do with being either "macho/PUA/manly" or "whiney/emotional/open". There is a fine line that includes showing and accepting emotions while still maintaining a strong frame.
Being vulnerable is sexy if said vulnerability comes with honesty, a positive mindset and a strong will to improve. Acting on that will and following through with it usually seals the deal.
If you either believe that playing the martyr with all your feelings on the table at most times (sup farva and obese) or that you have to bottle it all up and play tough guy (sup cloud and asia) I highly suggest that you take a step back sometimes and figure out if that's really who you want to be or who you are. None of you are being rolemodels right now for someone who is genuinely asking for advice for a super common but still pretty tough spot for most people.
Bro read my post, I have no problems with being open with a girl. But being jealous for no reason (he even admitted he didn't really have a good reason) is just asking for trouble. Also I think I'm being a great role modeling bc this actually good advice coming from someone who knows what he is talking about
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On July 15 2013 05:18 r.Evo wrote:
Something like this has nothing to do with being either "macho/PUA/manly" or "whiney/emotional/open". There is a fine line that includes showing and accepting emotions while still maintaining a strong frame.
Being vulnerable is sexy if said vulnerability comes with honesty, a positive mindset and a strong will to improve. Acting on that will and following through with it usually seals the deal.
If you either believe that playing the martyr with all your feelings on the table at most times (sup farva and obese) or that you have to bottle it all up and play tough guy (sup cloud and asia) I highly suggest that you take a step back sometimes and figure out if that's really who you want to be or who you are. None of you are being rolemodels right now for someone who is genuinely asking for advice for a super common but still pretty tough spot for most people.
You're sort of right, but I think you're missing the point of farva's advice. The idea isn't that you need to play the martyr all the time as if that's what you're intending to do. The real point here is that if you really have these kinds of emotional issues, there's only one thing for you to do: be honest and simultaneously try to work on those issues. If you're constantly worried about your girlfriend cheating on you, that's a problem with you (generally speaking) and not with your girlfriend, unless she's done something really shady in the past.
That's the way I see this situation, anyway.
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Yeah Shiori nailed it. I'm not advocating that anyone be some kind of emo martyr, only that they be honest with who they are and that they avoid clinging to some hollow stereotype of what constitutes a "man" instead of addressing the actual substance of their character.
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Honesty is complete bullshit by itself. "Honey I'm afraid of you cheating on me because of some irrational fear that I have." - Great, you gave her completely honest, true information which is also completely useless in solving any of the issues you have. It's also completely useless for her to adjust her behaviour to help you out. The tl;dr of such a statement is "You don't trust me". Adding "But don't worry, just keep doing what you're doing this is my problem not yours" is not making anything better, it just turns you into a martyr.
On the other hand saying "Bro, just don't talk to her and work on your insecurity issues" while again sounding completely reasonable in isolation is also again completely useless advice. Not communcating something that majorly influences your mood, your feelings, your behaviour in a relationship? Something that's directly related to your significant other? Bullshit. If someone wants to develop a relationship that goes beyond small talk that's no option either.
Communcation is the basis of a relationship. Finding strong frames that work for you personally is the basis of being an attractive human being. If you throw either out of the window you'll end up with an imbalance that makes it incredibly hard to work on anything.
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I was referencing being honest with yourself..
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The post you referred to as "best advice" didn't, that kinda made me assume you share his opinion. =P
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On July 15 2013 05:42 r.Evo wrote:
Honesty is complete bullshit by itself. "Honey I'm afraid of you cheating on me because of some irrational fear that I have." - Great, you gave her completely honest, true information which is also completely useless in solving any of the issues you have. It's also completely useless for her to adjust her behaviour to help you out. The tl;dr of such a statement is "You don't trust me". Adding "But don't worry, just keep doing what you're doing this is my problem not yours" is not making anything better, it just turns you into a martyr.
Not true. If you can't be honest (obviously you shouldn't say things that sound absolutely inflammatory and misleading) then there's something wrong with your character, either in the sense that you have some unresolved issues that make it impossible for you to be in a relationship or in the sense that your partner isn't looking for that kind of person. That's all there is to it. No, it's not going to make you more attractive to your partner...but you don't deserve to be attractive to your partner if you have such a glaringly huge issue. Your partner, assuming this is a serious relationship, deserves to know if you have some massive irrational fear that's eating away at you inside, because she deserves to decide whether she wants to be with a person who has such a problem (even if they're working past it) or not.
A better way to put things would be to let her know at the start that you have issues with trust and anxiety. That way, when you bring up the fact that you have random fears of her breaking your trust (or anyone breaking your trust) it's something that makes sense in the context of what she knows about you and in the context of what she entered the relationship looking for.
Communcation is the basis of a relationship. Finding strong frames that work for you personally is the basis of being an attractive human being. If you throw either out of the window you'll end up with an imbalance that makes it incredibly hard to work on anything.
I mean this is basically true, but there are some things that frankly don't really have strong frames because they're just flat out bad things. If you have impulsive anger issues, that's a you problem, not a her problem. Same goes for randomly fearing she's cheating on you. None of these things are her fault (unless she actually did cheat on you in the past) and therefore if you can't deal with them by yourself, you need to let her know and let her decide if those issues are deal-breakers.
I think the basic problem here is that both you and farva are correct, but in different senses. If your girlfriend can't handle being with a guy who has unresolved anger/trust issues, then you shouldn't be pretending not to have those issues just to stay with her. Doing so means you don't give a fuck about what she wants from the relationship, which is unfair.
I guess my basic point is: the girl you're with deserves to know what she's getting into by dating you. If you don't want to tell her because you're scared she'll break up with you, then your priorities are fucked up.
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I don't do dating - I prefer the ladies to come to me 
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shit I'm so bad at talking with ppl lol, most likely all conversations turn in to dead end and awkward as hell.
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On July 15 2013 05:52 Shiori wrote:Show nested quote +On July 15 2013 05:42 r.Evo wrote:
Honesty is complete bullshit by itself. "Honey I'm afraid of you cheating on me because of some irrational fear that I have." - Great, you gave her completely honest, true information which is also completely useless in solving any of the issues you have. It's also completely useless for her to adjust her behaviour to help you out. The tl;dr of such a statement is "You don't trust me". Adding "But don't worry, just keep doing what you're doing this is my problem not yours" is not making anything better, it just turns you into a martyr. Not true. If you can't be honest (obviously you shouldn't say things that sound absolutely inflammatory and misleading) then there's something wrong with your character, either in the sense that you have some unresolved issues that make it impossible for you to be in a relationship or in the sense that your partner isn't looking for that kind of person. That's all there is to it. No, it's not going to make you more attractive to your partner...but you don't deserve to be attractive to your partner if you have such a glaringly huge issue. Your partner, assuming this is a serious relationship, deserves to know if you have some massive irrational fear that's eating away at you inside, because she deserves to decide whether she wants to be with a person who has such a problem (even if they're working past it) or not. A better way to put things would be to let her know at the start that you have issues with trust and anxiety. That way, when you bring up the fact that you have random fears of her breaking your trust (or anyone breaking your trust) it's something that makes sense in the context of what she knows about you and in the context of what she entered the relationship looking for.
I said "honesty is bullshit by itself". In isolation it's a trait that brings nothing to the table. It only matters once you add a will to change the issues, a positive outlook on the situation and display actions going in that direciton. Being honest for the sake of being honest doesn't improve anything.
Telling her that "you have issues with trust and anxiety" in the case of the questions that were asked is also crap. Doc never said he has those so simply assuming it's a general issue goes way beyond any information presented.
Show nested quote +Communcation is the basis of a relationship. Finding strong frames that work for you personally is the basis of being an attractive human being. If you throw either out of the window you'll end up with an imbalance that makes it incredibly hard to work on anything. I mean this is basically true, but there are some things that frankly don't really have strong frames because they're just flat out bad things. If you have impulsive anger issues, that's a you problem, not a her problem. Same goes for randomly fearing she's cheating on you. None of these things are her fault (unless she actually did cheat on you in the past) and therefore if you can't deal with them by yourself, you need to let her know and let her decide if those issues are deal-breakers.
As soon as you enter a consensual relationship it's not a "you problem" anymore. Your anger issues in a case like this will have an effect on her and an effect on your relationship. The second you step up and say "Hey, those are my issues you have nothing to do with it" you effectively shut down her ability to help you (by claiming it's your problem and her behaviour should not change at all/changing her behaviour would have no effect on you) and you shut down your ability to work on it (by assuming your actual issue truely is "fearing she's cheating on you" - that's not an issue, that's an effect).
That's why "telling her you have trust issues and let her decide whether it's a deal breaker" is bullshit. It has nothing to do with what's actually going on. It's not a sickness or a fundamental character trait assuming we're dealing with generally healthy human beings. Now, if someone says "I'm afraid of losing you because I belief most other men are much more attractive to you than I am" that would be an example of an actual issue (which would result in being afraid of her cheating on you).
THAT is a statement your significant other can work with and support you with. Suddenly what was a potential dealbreaker for you because you assumed a wrong situation turns into something that's completely human, easy to emphasize with and easy to make some small compromises with here and there. The inherent control factor that's included in "I have trust issues" is gone because you found what's behind all the bullshit you previously liked to believe.
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On July 15 2013 06:52 r.Evo wrote:Show nested quote +On July 15 2013 05:52 Shiori wrote:On July 15 2013 05:42 r.Evo wrote:
Honesty is complete bullshit by itself. "Honey I'm afraid of you cheating on me because of some irrational fear that I have." - Great, you gave her completely honest, true information which is also completely useless in solving any of the issues you have. It's also completely useless for her to adjust her behaviour to help you out. The tl;dr of such a statement is "You don't trust me". Adding "But don't worry, just keep doing what you're doing this is my problem not yours" is not making anything better, it just turns you into a martyr. Not true. If you can't be honest (obviously you shouldn't say things that sound absolutely inflammatory and misleading) then there's something wrong with your character, either in the sense that you have some unresolved issues that make it impossible for you to be in a relationship or in the sense that your partner isn't looking for that kind of person. That's all there is to it. No, it's not going to make you more attractive to your partner...but you don't deserve to be attractive to your partner if you have such a glaringly huge issue. Your partner, assuming this is a serious relationship, deserves to know if you have some massive irrational fear that's eating away at you inside, because she deserves to decide whether she wants to be with a person who has such a problem (even if they're working past it) or not. A better way to put things would be to let her know at the start that you have issues with trust and anxiety. That way, when you bring up the fact that you have random fears of her breaking your trust (or anyone breaking your trust) it's something that makes sense in the context of what she knows about you and in the context of what she entered the relationship looking for. I said "honesty is bullshit by itself". In isolation it's a trait that brings nothing to the table. It only matters once you add a will to change the issues, a positive outlook on the situation and display actions going in that direciton. Being honest for the sake of being honest doesn't improve anything. Telling her that "you have issues with trust and anxiety" in the case of the questions that were asked is also crap. Doc never said he has those so simply assuming it's a general issue goes way beyond any information presented.
Honesty alone brings one very important thing to the table: truth. If you don't have the facts, you can't make informed decisions. This is a basic principle of decision-making. Being honest for the sake of honesty's sake makes sense if you simply don't have the will, positive outlook, or anything else to change the problem in question. If you suffer from some sort of PTSD that's giving you crazy panic attacks, you have to be upfront about it even if you have never had any success in dealing with it, and even if you don't think it will ever be under control.
Sometimes breaking up is the improvement. If you are unable to actually explain what's going on (either because you don't really have a handle on it or because it's unfixable) then that's a problem, and it's a problem your significant other deserves to know about. How does it improve things? Uh, well it improves her life a whole hell of a lot, because now she knows what's going on and can deal with that as she wills. Your solution only makes sense assuming that the person already has a really good understanding of what the problem is, what the effects are, and what might be done to work with it. It doesn't work at all if you have some sort of deep-rooted psychological issues that you don't even fully understand.
Obviously that's not what doc's problem is, and I didn't mean to imply that it was. I'm just making a general statement about honesty. The essential point is that you don't always have the solution or method to work on a problem when the problem surfaces. Ignoring the problem (or refusing to talk about it) until you have a solution/method is unfair because it's not giving your partner the opportunity to know what's actually happening. As an extreme example, when you find out you have a rare form of cancer, you don't wait until you've had every test in the book performed to tell your partner the general situation. You tell her what you know, and you tell her what you don't know. I'm not saying that you necessarily have to tell every fleeting impulse you have to your partner immediately or something, but you do have an obligation to be upfront about anything that is causing real issues or forcing you to lie, even if you don't understand the entire problem or know how to fix it or know how to begin to work on it.
Show nested quote +Communcation is the basis of a relationship. Finding strong frames that work for you personally is the basis of being an attractive human being. If you throw either out of the window you'll end up with an imbalance that makes it incredibly hard to work on anything. I mean this is basically true, but there are some things that frankly don't really have strong frames because they're just flat out bad things. If you have impulsive anger issues, that's a you problem, not a her problem. Same goes for randomly fearing she's cheating on you. None of these things are her fault (unless she actually did cheat on you in the past) and therefore if you can't deal with them by yourself, you need to let her know and let her decide if those issues are deal-breakers.
As soon as you enter a consensual relationship it's not a "you problem" anymore. Your anger issues in a case like this will have an effect on her and an effect on your relationship. The second you step up and say "Hey, those are my issues you have nothing to do with it" you effectively shut down her ability to help you (by claiming it's your problem and her behaviour should not change at all/changing her behaviour would have no effect on you) and you shut down your ability to work on it (by assuming your actual issue truely is "fearing she's cheating on you" - that's not an issue, that's an effect).
That's why "telling her you have trust issues and let her decide whether it's a deal breaker" is bullshit. It has nothing to do with what's actually going on. It's not a sickness or a fundamental character trait assuming we're dealing with generally healthy human beings. Now, if someone says "I'm afraid of losing you because I belief most other men are much more attractive to you than I am" that would be an example of an actual issue (which would result in being afraid of her cheating on you).
THAT is a statement your significant other can work with and support you with. Suddenly what was a potential dealbreaker for you because you assumed a wrong situation turns into something that's completely human, easy to emphasize with and easy to make some small compromises with here and there. The inherent control factor that's included in "I have trust issues" is gone because you found what's behind all the bullshit you previously liked to believe.
The point is that when you enter a "consensual" relationship, the implication is that both parties know what they're consenting to. You can't be in a consensual relationship if your partner is deceiving you about everything (as an example) because you were consenting to something that didn't actually exist. It's not a matter of saying that your partner shouldn't do anything (and I never implied that it was...) it's that your partner deserves to know about these issues if they start to become a problem. If you can't control yourself (hypothetically) then you need to come out and say that, not cover it up until you have a positive outlook or the will to change or whatever.
Also, fearing someone is cheating on you is obviously an issue; things can be issues and effects at the same time, but it's a semantic distinction regardless and therefore doesn't really matter anyway.
The problem with your method here is that it assumes complete information. Lots of people who think that their girlfriends are cheating on them do so from nothing more than sheer paranoia/anxiety. There's no real reasoning to it; there's just a fundamental, irrational fear. If it's becoming an issue that's starting to have effects on the relationship, and if you're in a position where you either have to lie or you have to come out and say that you have some sort of crippling anxiety, you owe it to your partner to say the second thing. If she actually cares about you, and if she's able, she'll work with you on fixing it. It's as simple as that. The best way to think of this situation is to strip yourself of ulterior motives: if you were in your girlfriend's shoes, would you want to know the real reason your partner seems to be having some problem with something?
Again, I'm speaking about a general case here. I have no idea what doc's specific situation is like since I don't know him or his girlfriend at all. But talking about "healthy human beings" is pointless, because there's really no consensus on what a healthy human being even is (psychologically speaking, anyway) and because every relationship has its own issues with every person bringing unique psychological quirks to the table.
It may surprise you, but there aren't nice, simple reasons for everything. I have no idea where this perception came from, but if it were true, mental health treatment would be easy and psychiatry/psychology would be a thing of the past. As it is, though, problems are very rarely easy to solve, and many are intractable in some sense. This is why effective counseling focuses on the specific individuals in question, not on models of behaviour that might apply to "healthy human beings" in general. If someone claims to have "trust issues," there's absolutely no easy way to figure out what's causing those issues, because there are a massive number of conditions/traumas/biases that could be causing them. Seriously, it could literally be anything that triggers trust issues; it could even be part of a previously-unknown psychological problem like depression or generalized anxiety disorder or bipolar disorder.
It all depends on the severity of the trust issue. If you sometimes get a little spooked about your girlfriend cheating on you, then that says something about the faith you have in your relationship, but it's not abnormal, particularly in relationships that are young/difficult. If you constantly find yourself thinking about whether your girlfriend might be cheating on you, or if you're trying to surreptitiously figure out what she's doing all the time, you have an actual problem and need to be open about it, because it's not going to be easy to fix and because it absolutely affects your girlfriend.
I mean, if issues were as simple as "oh, I have an issue, it's caused by X, let me fix X," nobody would have any lasting problems. Reality, unfortunately, makes it so that most of your time is spent trying to figure out why the hell you're feeling these irrational fears rather than how to fix them once you've found the core reason. As someone who suffers from depression/GAD/OCD, these sorts of things hit close to home. If I knew in a really explicit way why I got anxious, I wouldn't have a problem.
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I feel like this thread would be better if there were a few "established" people who are good with women who gave out advice. Else it is just one socially awkward person giving advice to another socially awkward person. Kind of defeats the purpose?
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On July 15 2013 06:01 SFHyper wrote:I don't do dating - I prefer the ladies to come to me
Don't you still have to date them even if they come to you? Do you take a lady out and get to know her if she shows an interest in you? Or do you just mean that you don't go out trying to find someone. You don't search for a woman. Rather you wait until someone shows you interest in everyday life?
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EPT
