Have you guys ever heard of anti-jokes? Anti-jokes are jokes that are funny not because they're witty or clever, but because they play on the expectations of the audience. They set up expectations for the audience and then simultaniously acknowledge and mock those expectations in the punchline.
Some examples:
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Q: Whats brown and sticky? A: A stick!
Q: What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? A: The holocaust.
Knock knock. Who's there? To. To who? To whom.
Q: Whats red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint.
Q: What did the homeless man get for christmas? A: Nothing
Q: What's the difference between a bicycle and a black man? A: A bicycle is an object and a black man is a human being.
A Christian and an Atheist are in a bar. The Christian says "if you don't believe in God you will go to hell." The Atheist replies "if there was a benevolent supreme being, logic dictates that there would be proof of his existence other than a 2,000 year old book." They agree to set aside their petty differences and get on with their lives. (LOL GET IT?!?!?)
All of these were stolen from anti-joke.com because I'm a thief and a plagiarist. What anti-jokes can you guys come up with? Basically the rules are that it can't be a regular joke. It has to set up expectations for the punchline and then totally change directions entirely. A joke that starts with "How do you wake up lady gaga in the morning?" CANT END WITH "Poke 'er face!" Instead, end it with something like, "You let her sleep because its sunday and she was out late last night and she needs her beauty sleep."
Basically, start a common joke (X walks into a bar, Whats the difference between X and Y, Knock Knock, etc) and play with the audience's expectations. I'll put some of the jokes that make me laugh into the OP. Super easy! Good luck!
A Christian and an Atheist are in a bar. The Christian says "if you don't believe in God you will go to hell." The Atheist replies "if there was a benevolent supreme being, logic dictates that there would be proof of his existence other than a 2,000 year old book." They agree to set aside their petty differences and get on with their lives. (LOL GET IT?!?!?)
^
Does not compute. Could someone please explain this to me? :S
A Christian and an Atheist are in a bar. The Christian says "if you don't believe in God you will go to hell." The Atheist replies "if there was a benevolent supreme being, logic dictates that there would be proof of his existence other than a 2,000 year old book." They agree to set aside their petty differences and get on with their lives. (LOL GET IT?!?!?)
^
Does not compute. Could someone please explain this to me? :S
they got on with their lives as opposed to having a continued pointless argument? Where as in almost every normal case people feel the need to argue about it for hours :O.
the red paint one really got me the first time i heard it.
this is my favorite one.
A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line. "You must be single." the clerk says. Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?". "Because you're ugly".
A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.
A man walks into a bar and says "I just got back from the battered woman's shelter, and boy are my arms tired" Everyone laughed. The man sat at the end of the bar drinking alone. He was proud of the fine craftsmanship of the shelves he put up in the shelter's pantry, regardless of what others may think.
Michael J Fox orders a martini at a bar, the barkeep asks, "Shaken or stirred?" Michael replies, "It doesn't matter it's going to end up on the floor."
Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability
Oh Bill Bailey, I bow to you
The tree blind mice one earlier in the thread was from the same show - Bill Bailey, Part Troll. Look it up if you like this kind of humour, he also does a lot of musical stuff as well. His recent stuff hasn't been that great unfortunately, but Part Troll was an amazingly funny show
I prefer latvian jokes which are of a similar category.
Is dead dog in road. Is dead Latvian in road. What difference? Dog have fur keep warm. Also, freedom. And dog try eat poop for pleasure not just survive. So many thing!
Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.
Knock knock Who’s there? Latvian. Latvian who? Please open door. Is cold.
What are one potato say other potato? Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have sent Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.
There are two cupcakes baking in an oven. One cupcake turns to the other and says "boy, it's hot in here." The other cupcake turns to him and says "holy shit a talking cupcake!"
On June 30 2011 22:28 Tobberoth wrote: I prefer latvian jokes which are of a similar category.
Is dead dog in road. Is dead Latvian in road. What difference? Dog have fur keep warm. Also, freedom. And dog try eat poop for pleasure not just survive. So many thing!
Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.
Knock knock Who’s there? Latvian. Latvian who? Please open door. Is cold.
What are one potato say other potato? Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have sent Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.
Haha omg, I loved these jokes so much! It kind of reminds me of the 'In soviet Russia' jokes.
Ok, this is an original. If your friends are the engineering type who constantly say "that's what she said" *points two fingers to the side and smiles*, then the next time they say something really difficult sounding about the major, say "that's what she said" as if you don't understand the joke and make an awkward chuckle.
So the other night I was at a small get together when the women of my dreams walks in. She is thin, with an elegant feline shape, and her eyes are blue and cool as ice cubes.
I watch her mingle with her friends for a few minutes, then I down my drink and walk + Show Spoiler +
straight out of the front door to my car. They weren't good dreams.
A journalist interviews a farmer : - You have a very nice field, and a good number of cows, do you get a good production out of it ? - Yes, yes ! mostly from the white cows. - Not from the black ? - Oh yes, from the black too ! - They seem very calm - They are very calm, mostly the white. - The black cows aren't ? - Yes, the black are very calm too ! - Do they make a good milk ? - Yes, mainly the white. - The black don't ? - Oh, yes, they do too. - Sir I don't understand, why do you always refere to this white cows then ? - Well, listen to me. It's because the white cows are mine. - The black aren't ? + Show Spoiler +
On July 01 2011 12:26 Diks wrote: (Belgian anti-joke)
A journalist interviews a farmer : - You have a very nice field, and a good number of cows, do you get a good production out of it ? - Yes, yes ! mostly from the white cows. - Not from the black ? - Oh yes, from the black too ! - They seem very calm - They are very calm, mostly the white. - The black cows aren't ? - Yes, the black are very calm too ! - Do they make a good milk ? - Yes, mainly the white. - The black don't ? - Oh, yes, they do too. - Sir I don't understand, why do you always refere to this white cows then ? - Well, listen to me. It's because the white cows are mine. - The black aren't ? + Show Spoiler +
- Yes, they are also mine
Ahaha that's I good one, I shoulda seen that one coming.
On July 01 2011 15:08 RedTerror wrote: ITT many people who don't understand what an anti-joke is
Don't ruin the fun
I prefer the anti-jokes though. They're funny whereas the actual jokes are kinda ehh.
On July 01 2011 12:26 Diks wrote: (Belgian anti-joke)
A journalist interviews a farmer : - You have a very nice field, and a good number of cows, do you get a good production out of it ? - Yes, yes ! mostly from the white cows. - Not from the black ? - Oh yes, from the black too ! - They seem very calm - They are very calm, mostly the white. - The black cows aren't ? - Yes, the black are very calm too ! - Do they make a good milk ? - Yes, mainly the white. - The black don't ? - Oh, yes, they do too. - Sir I don't understand, why do you always refere to this white cows then ? - Well, listen to me. It's because the white cows are mine. - The black aren't ? + Show Spoiler +
There are one man, one boy and one elderly woman on a train. There are no seats. One person on the seat stands up and leave in the next station. Who took the seat? + Show Spoiler +
the Rabbit walks in the forest, and as he walks a pink bicycle falls on his head. He looks up, but sees nothing. He doesnt know what else to do, so he keeps walking. Just a bit later, another pink bicycle falls on his head. He looks up again, but sees nothing. He keeps walking, but a third pink bicycle hits him. He looks up and sees the Owl up ink the sky. He asks from him, hey Owl, are you throwing pink bicycles at me? The Owl says: yeah...
A panda, a rabbit, a fox, a bat and a turtle were walking through the forest one day when suddenly the turtle says he need to take a dump and walks into the bushes for privacy, then the fox also decides he needs to take a shit. Bat, being a pervert, says he need to go to and follows foxy fox into the undergrowth. The rabbit also come to the conclusion he need to poop and goes in shortly after. So the panda sits on a boulder and ponders to himself "I wonder what those guys are going to use to wipe" After struggling with the dilemma, unable to hold his crap anymore, the panda goes into the bushes to shit.
A few minutes later panda emerges from the bushes and sees turtle coming out of the bushes. He asks turtle what he used to wipe his ass, turtle tell him he used some leaves. Then fox come forth from the bushes and panda asks him the same question, twigs the fox replies. Bat flies out of the bushes and gets asked the same thing. Bat says he used some pebbles, and they all wondered how bat did that. While they wait for rabbit, turtle asks "So what did you use panda?" Panda hesitates for a moment, and looks down sheepishly. Panda opens his mouth, but before he can answer, rabbit come out of the bushes covered in shit.
A mathematician is on sabbatical and decides he'll try his hand at plumbing. He signs up to a plumbing course at the local college and does a few weeks, gets his hands a bit dirty and smells a bit of shit. Part of the course involves theory and a bit of math. Math, of course, is any mathematician's forte. He's sitting in class and the instructor asks, what's the area of a circle? The mathematician shoots his hand up and the instructor tells him to write the answer on the black board. Surrounded by blue collar workers he walks up to the front, but he finds he can't recall the formula. "No problem!" he thinks to himself, and starts to derive the formula. He writes down a double integral, evaluates, and he comes up with an answer that he knows can't be right. He tries again, this time with a trig substitution and still can't get it right. Defeated, he turns to the instructor and says "I can't remember the formula".
In unison the class shouts out: "CHANGE THE BOUNDS ON YOUR INTEGRAL"
Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."
So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."
The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!
"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'
The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!
"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.
"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"
The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.
i was reading about sharks. do you know what other species brutally murders people who are trying to help them? just you. you thought i was going to say sharks, didnt you?
On July 03 2011 05:36 MeteorMash wrote: i was reading about sharks. do you know what other species brutally murders people who are trying to help them? just you. you thought i was going to say sharks, didnt you?
The correct answer is nobody. Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
I think the funniest part of this thread is people who aren't native English speakers trying to join in, but then what they say just doesn't make a drop of sense.
On July 03 2011 08:37 Hikko wrote: I think the funniest part of this thread is people who aren't native English speakers trying to join in, but then what they say just doesn't make a drop of sense.
EPT
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