I try not to be too open or forward about my personal beliefs online, as they are usually considered offensive.
That being said, 1. I usually fail the attempt regardless, and 2. In this case, I see evidence that it will not offend and will, in fact, likely edify.
I am prone to some anxiety. Very little overall, such that I was unaware of it until my wife and I had a particularly bad argument surrounding Korean phrasing, and I had watched some episodes of The Prison Playbook and felt guilty after being proven wrong. In that state of mind, the building's fire alarms went off for the first time in my hearing during our lease of several years here. I cried out in Korean and English and was in many ways a pathetic individual before my wife and daughter. A week later she stated her intent to seek divorce.
They are so loud they reduce my wife to tears. My daughter cried as a baby but now couldn't care less. (She is about 2&1/2 as of this writing). They also have a strobe.
Well, they went off Friday before last and this prompted her to move out on Saturday. I had left for a Men's retreat on Friday so was unaware of this until Sunday. It hit like a slow train. Not actually as much pain or as sudden as I had expected, but still inexorable and unstoppable.
They went off again yesterday and this, many times and with warning. At one point between my wife stating intent to divorce and now, I had cooly walked into their room (I was housing my mother in law and sister in law with us and my wife "moved in with them" during that time) and covered it with my hand- no anxiety, but, also no change in divorce intent.
But not yesterday. They broke me again. I can't sleep tonight. But I heard two thoughts clear in my head.
One said "first world problems. You are being weak and you know it." The other quietly said "weakness is a condition you can do something about. But that takes time to build. Until you do that, why don't you YouTube search this old song you knew?"
I'd like to take you with me on that listen. Because this is deeper than my own faith. This transcends faith, if that is possible.
Still nervous about that damnable piece of equipment though.
My point is that, though first world problems pale in comparison to hardcore problems, they don't fail to cause pain and trauma for all that... but what is one to do? Shake your fist at God and complain? Then, complain about WHAT, exactly? What issue is most in need of God's attention and intervention? How about some strength on our part?
Yet, It can be good to lament. There is place for lamentation, for placing of heads into hands, of scrunched hair, and cries of "Oh my God!"...
***Update
Here is a link. Also updated decibel level to accurate reading in subsequent posts i made since I misunderstood a lumen rating on the device. They still go off so often that I could get a decibel meter to it.
On June 20 2023 04:14 Nirli wrote: Wait... Is the fire alarm a metaphor or an actual device?
You can never be sure in the Blog section.
Heh, decent point. It's an actual device. I live in downtown Los Angeles. Phoenix is better about recognizing that the devices can cause sudden and dangerous fright at certain decibel levels, but apparently LAFD does not know this. So they are all maxed out or beyond legal max in fact, 170 dB they are set to 95- but that is double ambient plus 5 decibels, which means it is roughly the SQUARE of intensity of ambient noise level. In Downtown. So really fucking loud. is not legal so. Lol
In fact neither is 135, legal max setting is 120. But even 95 is earsplitting and makes me involuntarily shiver, shudder, cry and the like.
Try firing a shotgunsmall handgun with no ear protection at 3 blast intervals in a 300 ft^2 room. See how long you last before you have tinnitus and panic.
Now add strobe lights and unpredictability and have it go off over your bed while you sleep.
Also they are so damn loud that people 3 blocks down walk over to ask what the fuck is happening at the AVA building. Can hear it at the police station and Weller Court. Fucking bullshit loud, Warren Buffett's goons getting sarcastic with LAFD or something (like lazy ass "compliance")
Oh shit yeah I never mentioned. The horn on these alarms is a 135 decibel tone in my bedroom and a 170 decibel tone in my wife's old room. No it fucking isn't Alakaslam don't talk out your ass. They ARE 95 though, which is hearing damage after 5 minutes so guess you gotta gtfo at 2AM when the tweaker hit his room's sprinklers with a baseball bat because "it saw him and he sees through their bullshit he got the cameras out passnazzzm NO SHUT UP I hear you I see the snakes, you put that gun away..." as they wheel him off in a stretcher and the sprinklers flood the 3rd floor (damaging shit on the 2nd and lobby of course).
The apartment total is 812 square feet and it is a 2bed 2bath. These things are either illegally loud or I have a poorly calibrated dB meter on my phone which I am starting to think is probable given the laws in place. 120 dB is still an aircraft takeoff though, enclosed in my bedroom with a strobe and set to 1350hz
I'm not being a snowflake, my neruotypical neighbors panic a bit too, it is the most common reason for leaving this complex according to the leasing office, and I have an auditory processing complication. + Show Spoiler +
TankTopTiger if you are interested and read this, shoot me a PM and I will copy the medical record on it if you want
My neighbors 2 doors over took me to lunch to ask how often it is since I have been here 3 years. They were here 5 months and this is the 3rd time for them, so they were starting to get worried and are now seeking new digs.
Now more neighbors are asking me what to expect like I am a guru and the leasing office guy says I am the most senior resident by 1.5 years. No shit. Guess I gotta move out.
On June 21 2023 03:51 Vivax wrote: I‘m wondering why you have devices around that are guaranteed to cause damage to your ears.
And at the same time they give you panic attacks?
I didn't install them, LAFD did or they ordered Warren Buffet's employees to do it
And they damage MY ears, but I am not typical. I am different enough neurologically to be forbidden by the FAA from flying for hire (I can do so for personal reasons though with no restrictions)
Edit: no they damage everybody's ears. Evacuated for the first time on Thursday morning and heard everyone on the streets drama. I'm perfectly fucking normal it seems lol, except I blog on TL about it
On June 22 2023 02:01 evilfatsh1t wrote: now im curious what the korean phrasing argument was about
We had several.
Her mom constantly called me what I will spell out in a sort of Konglish because my 한국 is not nearly good enough. Her mom called everything I did minchin-ey, something like 민친애 but that is really poorly spelled so I think I also misheard her. I took this to mean something like "clinically insane and not to be listened to" when she meant more like "kinda dumb and sub-optimal such that it should be dismissed without disrespect" and also told my wife and I (rather loudly) "Hajima!!!" When we were having some rather good sex. My poor wife tensed up like a frightened cat, and it was definitely over for that time.
Suffice to say, I had a LOT of problems with Ajuma's word choice after that particular bullshit offense. Pay some rent if you want to fuck with my sex life, no pun intended. My wife really didn't like that attitude while simultaneously kind of agreeing.
You can extrapolate a pretty good idea of the fights from that. There were a lot.
wow your mother in law would call you a 미친 애? i cant think of another word that could carry this definition "kinda dumb and sub-optimal such that it should be dismissed without disrespect" that is pronounced similarly to michin but yeah that kinda blows. id for sure be offended and rather angry if my mother in law used that word to describe myself.
i gotta sympathise with her about the sex part though. its rather funny that she actually interrupted you but to be fair, you must have been hella loud or something and nobody really wants to listen to other people have sex in the same household.
On June 22 2023 17:05 evilfatsh1t wrote: wow your mother in law would call you a 미친 애? i cant think of another word that could carry this definition "kinda dumb and sub-optimal such that it should be dismissed without disrespect" that is pronounced similarly to michin but yeah that kinda blows. id for sure be offended and rather angry if my mother in law used that word to describe myself.
i gotta sympathise with her about the sex part though. its rather funny that she actually interrupted you but to be fair, you must have been hella loud or something and nobody really wants to listen to other people have sex in the same household.
Yeah so I offered to pay for her to get her own place and she refused, otherwise I agree
She also isn't letting my daughter learn English and has trained her to mock and call me 미친 다다.
I now actively hate my mother in law who also told me to my face with Google translate that her goal was my divorce from her daughter
She is actively malicious so she gets my active hate.
Also, I am in a rather small apartment in LA. 2 bedroom but about 810 ft^2 total.
wtf?? manipulating your daughter is fucked up. these are the crazy mother in law stories you find in korean dramas and shit. unlucky you ended up with the real life version. good luck man
On June 23 2023 12:10 evilfatsh1t wrote: wtf?? manipulating your daughter is fucked up. these are the crazy mother in law stories you find in korean dramas and shit. unlucky you ended up with the real life version. good luck man
Thanks, it really Is a irl K-drama. My wife is pretty badly off for having been manipulated her whole life too. She still cares deeply for me but "must serve mom"... creepy shit.
I get loving your mom but... this is different. It is still admirable, though, somehow. That kind of devotion.
I will see what I can do going forward. Finally got over the alarms, helps that they haven't gone off at all.
If it's your place then tell your mother in law to move out. If your wife doesn't respect your wishes on this then divorce seems the only option. What to do about older relatives is a critical discussion to have before marriage , I've already stated that I wouldn't allow in laws to live with us. It just makes for a miserable time and can kill relationships.
All in all it sounds like a bad situation. Perhaps incompatible issues and values that you haven't discussed properly. move out and start fresh
On June 26 2023 20:05 mathenalin wrote: what the shit is going on with this.
If it's your place then tell your mother in law to move out. If your wife doesn't respect your wishes on this then divorce seems the only option. What to do about older relatives is a critical discussion to have before marriage , I've already stated that I wouldn't allow in laws to live with us. It just makes for a miserable time and can kill relationships.
All in all it sounds like a bad situation. Perhaps incompatible issues and values that you haven't discussed properly. move out and start fresh
Spot on, and yet,
On June 27 2023 02:19 Jealous wrote: Do you want to fix things, or are you okay with the divorce?
I do want to fix things, I'm not ok with the divorce, but my wife in fact doesn't respect her own as well as my wishes on this. She worships her mom, and that unfortunately makes the way forward really difficult.
Thankfully I move out of this place soon. She already moved and I think given time, this can be salvaged.
On June 27 2023 02:19 Jealous wrote: Do you want to fix things, or are you okay with the divorce?
I do want to fix things, I'm not ok with the divorce, but my wife in fact doesn't respect her own as well as my wishes on this. She worships her mom, and that unfortunately makes the way forward really difficult.
Thankfully I move out of this place soon. She already moved and I think given time, this can be salvaged.
I wish you the best of luck. I went through something similar somewhat recently. One thing that was painful for me to accept, but helped me frame things in a healthier way, is that no matter what people say or believe, it is their actions that demonstrate what role they want to play in our lives. Even if those actions are based on faulty beliefs, or emotional duress, and can be "explained away" that way, that doesn't change the fundamental fact that they chose to leave us/hurt us/whatever.
Maybe it will take time, space, and healing in order to change the underlying reasons for those actions. In that case, we need to give those people that time and space, and hope that they make their mentality changes, which in turn will lead to the action of coming back to us/making peace. You can't control other people or force them to change, they have to do it themselves.
At the same time, we can't poison our own minds as a result of their actions. At least for me personally, I became very sick for a while after what happened. It just about broke me, and a depressed, broken person can't be a good partner. If we want them to make the decision to come back to us, we need to be the kind of person that someone would want to come back to. That's another realization that helped me overcome things, at least to some extent. Hopefully you're not going through something too similar.
On June 27 2023 02:19 Jealous wrote: Do you want to fix things, or are you okay with the divorce?
I do want to fix things, I'm not ok with the divorce, but my wife in fact doesn't respect her own as well as my wishes on this. She worships her mom, and that unfortunately makes the way forward really difficult.
Thankfully I move out of this place soon. She already moved and I think given time, this can be salvaged.
I wish you the best of luck. I went through something similar somewhat recently. One thing that was painful for me to accept, but helped me frame things in a healthier way, is that no matter what people say or believe, it is their actions that demonstrate what role they want to play in our lives. Even if those actions are based on faulty beliefs, or emotional duress, and can be "explained away" that way, that doesn't change the fundamental fact that they chose to leave us/hurt us/whatever.
Maybe it will take time, space, and healing in order to change the underlying reasons for those actions. In that case, we need to give those people that time and space, and hope that they make their mentality changes, which in turn will lead to the action of coming back to us/making peace. You can't control other people or force them to change, they have to do it themselves.
At the same time, we can't poison our own minds as a result of their actions. At least for me personally, I became very sick for a while after what happened. It just about broke me, and a depressed, broken person can't be a good partner. If we want them to make the decision to come back to us, we need to be the kind of person that someone would want to come back to. That's another realization that helped me overcome things, at least to some extent. Hopefully you're not going through something too similar.
I hope it gets better for us 🫂
Aye aye, this is insightful wisdom- hopefully I can put it into useful practice!
As a fellow believer, what I'm about to say may or may not be too late. But hopefully what I say helps - we as men as called to live under the Word of God and that comes with certain responsibilities and authority. As there is also what I like to call the paradox of female attractiveness - the more you try to acquiesce or appease them (especially Asian females), the more they will despise you. Allow me some suggestions where you can put this into practice:
1) Your MIL's behaviour is not acceptable: I would've kicked her out of the apartment - call the police to remove her if you have to. At the same time, we are called to take care of family members, so after you kick her out, provide the money (which you already have agreed to) to rent a place by herself. If you wife baulks at this, tell her that her mother's behaviour is not acceptable. If she threatens to leave with her, don't stop her. You must remember that the husband/wife has the priority in the marriage and not the parents. This may seem drastic - but I've done something along this lines before (to my actual mum, but not as drastic) and it has helped immensely in my own marriage.
Whatever misunderstanding with certain phrases, etc is also not your issue. No one should be talking like that you if there's any hint of disrespect.
2) Divorce: It may already be too late - but sit down with your wife and make it plainly known if divorce occurs, she was the one walking out and not you. Don't plead with her or try and stop her - if she chooses to take the wrong step, that is her responsibility and not yours.
3) Fire Alarm Although it may be difficult for you, do your best to not cry in front of your wife and child. And try and fix the issue - you already mentioned that it's illegal for it to be that loud? There could be some legal remedy that you could take? Possibly measure the db levels and find the relevant statute? Or perhaps get a professional to assess it?
Women want to know that you'll be able to protect them - and this is one issue causing them to despise you.
On July 02 2023 17:04 Azzur wrote: As a fellow believer, what I'm about to say may or may not be too late. But hopefully what I say helps - we as men as called to live under the Word of God and that comes with certain responsibilities and authority. As there is also what I like to call the paradox of female attractiveness - the more you try to acquiesce or appease them (especially Asian females), the more they will despise you. Allow me some suggestions where you can put this into practice:
Thanks a million, first of all. I am a bitter soul right now, not gonna lie, but it is never too late for redemption and reconciliation. That being said my potty mouth won't help. But I'm fucking pissed
1) Your MIL's behaviour is not acceptable: I would've kicked her out of the apartment - call the police to remove her if you have to.
California law forbids this. I attempted to do exactly this, but by law all adult occupants must sign the lease to rent. A signer on a lease cannot be evicted by another signer on the lease. This is to prevent power dynamics and homelessness.
At the same time, we are called to take care of family members, so after you kick her out, provide the money (which you already have agreed to) to rent a place by herself. If you wife baulks at this, tell her that her mother's behaviour is not acceptable. If she threatens to leave with her, don't stop her. You must remember that the husband/wife has the priority in the marriage and not the parents. This may seem drastic - but I've done something along this lines before (to my actual mum, but not as drastic) and it has helped immensely in my own marriage.
Whatever misunderstanding with certain phrases, etc is also not your issue. No one should be talking like that you if there's any hint of disrespect.
2) Divorce: It may already be too late - but sit down with your wife and make it plainly known if divorce occurs, she was the one walking out and not you. Don't plead with her or try and stop her - if she chooses to take the wrong step, that is her responsibility and not yours.
Have done all this. She left.
3) Fire Alarm Although it may be difficult for you, do your best to not cry in front of your wife and child. And try and fix the issue - you already mentioned that it's illegal for it to be that loud? There could be some legal remedy that you could take? Possibly measure the db levels and find the relevant statute? Or perhaps get a professional to assess it?
Women want to know that you'll be able to protect them - and this is one issue causing them to despise you.
It appears they are within legal limits for the city of Los Angeles. Hotbed of corruption. I want out.
Unfortunately the crying was involuntary. They did too and so do my neighbors.
On July 02 2023 17:04 Azzur wrote: As a fellow believer, what I'm about to say may or may not be too late. But hopefully what I say helps - we as men as called to live under the Word of God and that comes with certain responsibilities and authority. As there is also what I like to call the paradox of female attractiveness - the more you try to acquiesce or appease them (especially Asian females), the more they will despise you. Allow me some suggestions where you can put this into practice:
Thanks a million, first of all. I am a bitter soul right now, not gonna lie, but it is never too late for redemption and reconciliation. That being said my potty mouth won't help. But I'm fucking pissed
1) Your MIL's behaviour is not acceptable: I would've kicked her out of the apartment - call the police to remove her if you have to.
California law forbids this. I attempted to do exactly this, but by law all adult occupants must sign the lease to rent. A signer on a lease cannot be evicted by another signer on the lease. This is to prevent power dynamics and homelessness.
At the same time, we are called to take care of family members, so after you kick her out, provide the money (which you already have agreed to) to rent a place by herself. If you wife baulks at this, tell her that her mother's behaviour is not acceptable. If she threatens to leave with her, don't stop her. You must remember that the husband/wife has the priority in the marriage and not the parents. This may seem drastic - but I've done something along this lines before (to my actual mum, but not as drastic) and it has helped immensely in my own marriage.
Whatever misunderstanding with certain phrases, etc is also not your issue. No one should be talking like that you if there's any hint of disrespect.
2) Divorce: It may already be too late - but sit down with your wife and make it plainly known if divorce occurs, she was the one walking out and not you. Don't plead with her or try and stop her - if she chooses to take the wrong step, that is her responsibility and not yours.
3) Fire Alarm Although it may be difficult for you, do your best to not cry in front of your wife and child. And try and fix the issue - you already mentioned that it's illegal for it to be that loud? There could be some legal remedy that you could take? Possibly measure the db levels and find the relevant statute? Or perhaps get a professional to assess it?
Women want to know that you'll be able to protect them - and this is one issue causing them to despise you.
It appears they are within legal limits for the city of Los Angeles. Hotbed of corruption. I want out.
Unfortunately the crying was involuntary. They did too and so do my neighbors.
Try to seek the positive in this situation. You are free of a toxic situation and partner.
Move away, start over. Be the best father you can be. There will be tough moments in the short term, but down the line your child will thank you for being there.
End of the day, what I'm glad for you is that you've done the right thing by God and have not abandoned your husband/father responsibilities. We live in a world where the forces of the state/society are aligned against husbands/fathers. Although you may be a casualty in this battle, take heart that you've ran your race well and if rewards don't come in this life, will be there in the next.
I must thank you all again. This blog post wasn't so great to read likely but for my own benefit, thanks to you all, I believe there will be a lasting impact.
If you are not satisfied with your wife behaviour tell her mom to guide him about relationship between you and her i dont think so the divorced is a good option.
On July 10 2023 19:45 Mudassar4766 wrote: If you are not satisfied with your wife behaviour tell her mom to guide him about relationship between you and her i dont think so the divorced is a good option.
EPT
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