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Okay, so I've known a girl, let's call her Z, for maybe 5 months now. I've gone on dates with Z off and on but never with great frequency. I met her at a bowling alley with a group of other friends and we hit it off pretty quickly. She was cute and bubbly and I was newly single coming off a 7 yr relationship.
I was talking to another girl at the time and was sort of playing the field so I didn't pursue her aggressively. But she was quick to add me on FB and start chatting me up. We got to talking and found out she was moving into an apt near my neighborhood. Upon realizing this she said "come ring my doorbell sometime  ," and I promised I would.
We got together at an alehouse with a few friends the first time and she quickly gave me the rundown on her dating history saying she'd only had 3 bf's before. I knew her first bf socially, but didn't know anything about her other two. She told me she'd recently broken up with her last bf because he was planning to move away. Everything seemed kosher.
Over the next two months we got together a few times, lunch, the mall, drinking alone together at a karaoke bar, a late night movie etc. All of it was 1 on 1 and all of it seemed very date-ish. She initiated and suggested pretty much every one of these dates but then during the actual date it seemed like she'd get cold feet and wouldn't initiate anything explicitly intimate. I suggested going back to her place a few times and got shot down. She also had a weird habit of calling me up to go on dates and then cancelling an hour or two before the date. She did this several times.
That got my suspicions up so I rummaged around her FB page and realized she still had a boyfriend, the one that she had supposedly broken up with because he was planning to move away. I asked Z about him and she was silent as if I'd said nothing. I left it at that and stopped talking to her for about a month and a half.
Eventually, she called me up a few times and after a while I answered. She assured me that she was single and her ex-bf was out of her life. I told her cool and we got to talking again. Just last week she invited me over to her apt and cooked dinner for us. Her friend came over for the dinner, took one look at me, and asked Z where her bf was. Z responded by quietly saying "we got in a fight." I took that as a bad sign. But Z's friend was nice and chatty enough during dinner and I didn't make a big fuss. After we were done, the girls cleared the table and washed all the stuff while chatting away. I sat on the sofa watching TV until they were done.
After about ten minutes, Z's friend said goodbye, flashed me a smile, said she hoped to see me again and took off. Z sat next to me and got comfy, but I stood up, made my excuses, and left. (I was kind of wtf about her obv still having a bf despite that very night telling me she was done with him.)
She called me later the next week and like an idiot I made plans to go with her to a theme park on Friday.
She's obv still with her bf. But I don't know if you can call my situation getting friend-zoned. We haven't done anything explicit but the dynamic just doesn't seem like friends to me. And if we were just friends why am I the only one she's lying to about not having a boyfriend? Apparently, all her other friends know she's still with her guy. That's why every time one of her friends' sees me over at Z's apt they're like wtf? Who's this guy and why is he in your room? So I'm guessing it's not a normal occurrence for her to invite guys over to her place.
I tried asking a few other guys who've been hitting on her (I don't tell anyone we see each other), and they all said she shot them down with the excuse that she has a bf and only sees them as friends. But when I ask her out, she'll either say yes and show up, or she'll dodge and say she's busy with school/work etc.
She randomly bought my dog an expensive leather collar on Christmas (she knows I love my dog). Any time I pay for a meal she either pays for the next one or cooks me a meal at her place, and she honestly has quite a number of admirers who openly offer to wine and dine her so I don't feel like this is a gold-dig operation.
I've tried to just ignore her for a while to see if she'll disappear or focus on her bf but she just keeps sending me texts every few days or so asking what i'm up to and when we can hang out. I don't make any special effort to be funny or entertaining when I'm with her. I just sort of be myself and try to have a good time but don't try too hard to impress. I don't think our chemistry is that great. We're very different people. I'm kind of an anti-establishment writerly type and she's a social butterfly/materialistic as hell kind of girl. I think the only common points of interest we have is we both like food, we're both Chinese, we both have good manners, and we both place a lot of importance on family, but that's shit almost any E. Asian person could claim.
So yeah... I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do. I've been single for almost a year now and she's pretty much the cutest girl I'm talking to right now. The pickings are pretty slim in my city for Chinese girls in general and we have a pleasant time together, so I'm more than willing to date more seriously, but not while all this clown shoes shit about her having a bf is going on.
Anyone have any ideas about how to broach this subject? We're supposed to go to the theme park on Friday. I'm thinking of saying something at the end of the date. Although, I'm not even sure any of what we've done has been officially established as dating?? It seems really kiddy, especially for our ages and our amount of sexual experience. I just turned 27 and she's about to turn 24. -____-
Maybe someone can make a call on what she's trying to do? Is she just trying to play around? She doesn't seem like the bootycall type, although my friends have seen her with me a few times and swear that she's waiting for me to make a move. I dno. I thought the last time she claimed she was done with her bf things were getting on track and we were progressing towards a relationship, but every time I think it's going good, whoopdie doo, I find out she's still with him.
Oh yeah, the second month we were talking was her first anniversary with her current bf. She went to another country for the weekend with him and told me that she was just going on a trip. Then she brought me back a souvenir. I only later realized she'd gone with her bf and it was her anniversary trip... She's also gone to the beach with him and on the car ride back would text me saying she was heading back into the city and wanted to see me. I later matched up these texts with updates from her boyfriend's FB which had her location tagged and realized the only time she could have been sending me these texts is while in the car sitting next to her bf.
....
  
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Maybe someone can make a call on what she's trying to do? Is she just trying to play around? She doesn't seem like the bootycall type, although my friends have seen her with me a few times and swear that she's waiting for me to make a move. I dno. I thought the last time she claimed she was done with her bf things were getting on track and we were progressing towards a relationship, but every time I think it's going good, whoopdie doo, I find out she's still with him.
Highlighted what you need to do if you want to win her over.
Her canceling dates at the last moment is not unusual - girls flake all the time.
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After we were done, the girls cleared the table and washed all the stuff while chatting away. I sat on the sofa watching TV until they were done.
You're quite the gentleman aren't you ? :D
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i was hoping for a P or a T somewhere in there...
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I dunno, I'd personally move on if she's willing to date you while having a bf.
As far as stereotypical men think, It seems like he's getting all the booty calls while you put up with her.
Edit: How well do you know the boyfriend? Would hanging out with him help or hinder you?
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On March 21 2012 18:15 Geiko wrote:Show nested quote + After we were done, the girls cleared the table and washed all the stuff while chatting away. I sat on the sofa watching TV until they were done. You're quite the gentleman aren't you ? :D
hahahaha i also laughed at that part
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She probably misses the dating phase of her relationship (where the guy is way more attentive and you're learning about each other) and is trying to get that with you whilst still being with her real bf. I'd steer clear of her unless she's willing to be 100% honest with you. Sounds really messy.
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On March 21 2012 18:34 Boonbag wrote:Show nested quote +On March 21 2012 18:15 Geiko wrote: After we were done, the girls cleared the table and washed all the stuff while chatting away. I sat on the sofa watching TV until they were done. You're quite the gentleman aren't you ? :D hahahaha i also laughed at that part
I think it's only funny for French people.
People from other countries probably find it normal 
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lol Just make some moves. if she's doing all this then he might be a real dirtbag and she's just afraid to dump him. Imo just talk to her about it and see which direction she wants to go in. Stop making something so simple so over complicated! Nothing will be solved if you don't do anything I know that much.
At the same time you might just want to move on depending on what she tells you. All the best man, good luck.
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On March 21 2012 18:42 endy wrote:Show nested quote +On March 21 2012 18:34 Boonbag wrote:On March 21 2012 18:15 Geiko wrote: After we were done, the girls cleared the table and washed all the stuff while chatting away. I sat on the sofa watching TV until they were done. You're quite the gentleman aren't you ? :D hahahaha i also laughed at that part I think it's only funny for French people. People from other countries probably find it normal
LIKE A BOSSS!!!
Hells yeah
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Go talk to the boyfriend imo, that'll clear things up faster than anything.
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Forget her, if shes screwing around with you while in a relationship with someone else shes goona do the same thing if you two end up being a couple.
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You don't seem particularly attracted to this person. My vibe-o-meter might be off though.
It's unlikely that her behavior will change. Even if you fill the shoes of the boyfriend.
And, most importantly, have you been truthful with her yourself? Most of the questions/concerns would be quite easy address if you had.
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On March 21 2012 18:42 endy wrote:Show nested quote +On March 21 2012 18:34 Boonbag wrote:On March 21 2012 18:15 Geiko wrote: After we were done, the girls cleared the table and washed all the stuff while chatting away. I sat on the sofa watching TV until they were done. You're quite the gentleman aren't you ? :D hahahaha i also laughed at that part I think it's only funny for French people. People from other countries probably find it normal
As I recall, it's normal in brazil, it's pretty amusing in the united states though haha
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I don't usually comment on girl blogs, but just my straightforward 2 cents:
To me it sounds like she is merely satisfied with her current boyfriend, but not really extremely into him. My guess is she is just not the sort of person who breaks up (Yeah, I know that sounds weird, but many people don't like breaking up even if the passion is no longer there. It takes a decent amount of will to do that a lot of people lack). I don't think there is anything wrong with her boyfriend, or anything that would make her specifically want to leave. However, again, if she is seeing you as much as you say, she definitely is looking at other options. My guess is her boyfriend is a very safe option, and not something that she wants to just abandon. Again, from what I'm reading, she definitely seems into you. Whether you want to risk pursuing that is up to you. My advice is that I personally wouldn't, but it really depends entirely on you.
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On March 21 2012 18:42 endy wrote:Show nested quote +On March 21 2012 18:34 Boonbag wrote:On March 21 2012 18:15 Geiko wrote: After we were done, the girls cleared the table and washed all the stuff while chatting away. I sat on the sofa watching TV until they were done. You're quite the gentleman aren't you ? :D hahahaha i also laughed at that part I think it's only funny for French people. People from other countries probably find it normal
This type of a behavior is considered as BM, even in Turkey.
On topic: You gotta make a choice. Either to stay clean of her or win her over. I'd choose the former and it's obvious what to do if you choose this as well. If you want to win her over, just make a move, as someone mentioned before. She may be waiting for you to make a move to drop this bf of her. Or you both being Chinese, she may be seeing you as a close friend, but then why would she lie about being single? Maybe she wants to hold you as a backup (which is pretty common among Turkish girls, btw), or just wants to hook up with both of you. I don't know, all of the reasons I could think about was these 3.
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On March 21 2012 18:58 OrangeSoda wrote:
Forget her, if shes screwing around with you while in a relationship with someone else shes goona do the same thing if you two end up being a couple.
This, very basic relationship psychology :p
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Okay, I'm bitter, and cynical, about relationships because of my own, however - that being said - don't do it.
Take a deep breath, and realize the insane amounts of drama you would be in for if you did, hell, that you could be in for now, when it all falls apart in her other relationship (and it will). It's not worth it. If she is willing to chase you and lie to her boyfriend all over about it, what makes you think this could change if she actually does ditch him for you? Then you are just her boyfriend... and look how well she treats the one she has now. If she were honest and interested, she'd truly break up with her current boyfriend - hell, if she really liked her boyfriend she'd be honest with him. She's already lying to him, lying to you, and this is a bad foundation. And if he does find out that she's been doing all of this, he may blame her... or blame you. Or blame both of you. Either way, it's a horrible mess and I would advise you to steer well clear of it. There are plenty of non-insane girls out there, and this does not sound like one of them.
Of course, if her boyfriend knows she's chasing you and is involved in some kind of swinger deal or looking for a 3-way... well, that's still something you would need to think about carefully.
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On March 21 2012 18:58 OrangeSoda wrote:
Forget her, if shes screwing around with you while in a relationship with someone else shes goona do the same thing if you two end up being a couple.
This. Or you can just flirt around or be fuck-buddies like I did once >.>
I'm so evil for taking advantage....
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So you're almost-dating a girl that has a boyfriend she pretends doesn't exist. Do you want to be the next "boyfriend"? Could you enjoy such a relationship? Make a move. If she asks you for more time tell her you don't have any, nothing will change.
Otherwise get out while you still can. Whatever their problems are, it's very likely she will deal with your own problems the same way. If it lies, it's not any good.
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EPT
