I'm a quiet person. Like, extremely quiet. I just don't like to talk that much except with a few very close friends then I talk and laugh a lot. Maybe I'm shy around strangers, but the problem isn't shyness it's the lack of talking.
I've had so many instances of people telling me how quiet I am and then they imply that it makes them uncomfortable. My question is why? I don't mind sitting in total silence, with strangers or with friends, but most people find this awkward.
When I went to visit some relatives, they had friends over and we were gathered around eating. There was conversation going on but I didn't talk that much except to answer some questions or make some brief comments. One of the guests mentioned how funny it is that some people don't talk. He was of course, implicating me. Not once did he did this, but twice!
It occurred to me that what was perfectly normal to me, was so inexplicable to someone else. I didn't do anything or say anything bad about these people, but for some reason my silence really offends them.
At first I thought maybe some people are just talkative, or get bored easily. But I think perhaps the majority of people don't feel comfortable around quiet people? My question is why? Why do people HAVE to talk.
DUDE i have the exact same issue as you. I'm talkative around my close friends and all of that, but sometimes when my parents invite people over to our house to eat they always make some strange comment about how I am quiet. Maybe they expect us to be more talkative because of our appearance?... Idk some people i guess -_-
idk, I don't mind sitting in total silence either but it is really awkward for some ppl so i better do some small-talk, which kills the time. My people, the seklers, are said to not talk too much if it isnt necessary, but still, silence is somewhat awkward
It's hard to describe, but basically I don't think they know what to do with you. They're expecting someone who's going to talk back to them and pick up the slack in the conversation, but what they get is someone who's expecting them to do all the work. Questions like "how are you" or "did you catch the game last night" or "do you watch pro starcraft" aren't queries for information, they're icebreakers to get conversation started
uhh it's cause when people are quiet in other people's company, they are not comfortable. to be more precise, i meant to say when people aren't quiet, they are comfortable. this is true for everybody, including you (as you said yourself, around your friends you talk and laugh and are comfortable. basically you enjoy being there). hence, you're perceived (fairly or not) as being uncomfortable and nobody likes that. it makes them feel uncomfortable, and its perfectly understandable why.
i am quiet too and i think that sometimes it bothers strangers. i hear some random comments, but i just ignore them and continue into my silence. hehe of course it could be a problem like "social anxiety disorder" But i think most of the cases just the way you are.. some ppl are talkative some are not whats the big deal?
Cause people are nosey and want you too be nosey with you. Its also kinda hard to get to know people when they are being silent. I personally dont mind but really social people want everyone else to be social with them, one way conversations are boring.
yeah some people just feel uncomfortable and awkward when they're with someone who doesn't really talk. i personally don't mind silence, sometimes i find it enjoyable, but i do try to make small talk with some people (usually people who i'm not too familiar with or friends who i know like that stuff) just because they enjoy it. for other people, i know that both of us don't mind the silence, and so we'll only talk when we feel like it.
you can even make small talk by saying something like "you know, sometimes i sorta appreciate the peaceful silence..."
I don't mind sitting in total silence, with strangers or with friends, but most people find this awkward.
my bet is you haven't really met people of your kind yet.
It takes two hand to clap. A group conversation isn't gonna magically go on if someone just stay quiet. It makes people get the impression you don't want to be there. At least that's the case for me.
On March 20 2010 03:05 Johnranger-123 wrote: Cause people are nosey and want you too be nosey with you. Its also kinda hard to get to know people when they are being silent. I personally dont mind but really social people want everyone else to be social with them, one way conversations are boring.
but why must strangers know each other? It's just weird to me that conversation has to be established to be comfortable around each other. If we're all humans, and we're all live in the same neighbourhood, why does it take conversation to make someone comfortable?
i'm just not sure if the onus is on the person who is quiet or the person who is nosy to get conversation going? why is it such a sin to not know each other?
On March 20 2010 03:05 Johnranger-123 wrote: Cause people are nosey and want you too be nosey with you. Its also kinda hard to get to know people when they are being silent. I personally dont mind but really social people want everyone else to be social with them, one way conversations are boring.
but why must strangers know each other? It's just weird to me that conversation has to be established to be comfortable around each other. If we're all humans, and we're all live in the same neighbourhood, why does it take conversation to make someone comfortable?
i'm just not sure if the onus is on the person who is quiet or the person who is nosy to get conversation going? why is it such a sin to not know each other?
at some point, you'll just have to understand that it's just something preferred by some people, and not preferred by others. it'll make your life a lot easier if you just accept this and stop thinking about it so much.
some people like conversations. some people don't like silence with others. some people like blue while others like red....
i think its fine being quiet. you'd rather be seen as the "one in deep thought" than the one who runs his mouth all day and say something that might be offensive. or ever worse, act like a know it all. i agree that it is better to say nothing than to act like a fool and pretending to know bits/pieces of a topic and try to work off of that
"silence is your best ally, it will never betray you."
i see talking as sharing with others. so when some one is not talking they don't want to share. i also am interested in others, so when some one doesnt ask me questions i think they think i'm not interesting.
Well most of us live in a "socialized" society wich has it's norms and assumptions of how "normal" human behaviour should be...Im probably the most quiet guy in existence and I think that people who know who you are to some extent accept this is how you act.
However as soon as you go out into any type of social enviroment with people that don't know you, they will interpret you as being weird, akward, become uncomfortable because if a mean looking guy is sitting there without saying a word they have to make assumptions and prejudice within their own mind and also that leads to the "something must be wrong with you because you don't talk."
I don't know really...did that make any sense? probably not anyway if you really care enough just google wikipedia and Im sure you would find plenty of social psychology relating humans not that I have any freakin clue.
Oh and one thing to note wich is very important in today's society is that...
On March 20 2010 03:14 wo0py wrote: i dont like quite people.
i see talking as sharing with others. so when some one is not talking they don't want to share. i also am interested in others, so when some one doesnt ask me questions i think they think i'm not interesting.
It's true that I'm not overly interested in other people's lives. People ask me about my life all the time, and usually I don't like that. I rarely ask about how other people are doing. I realize this can be offensive to some people, and therein lies the problem.
The question is not whether I am interested in you or not, most likely I don't hate you because I don't even know you. But indifference in itself is an offense to some people. It's almost narcissistic that someone MUST be interested in you or otherwise. I suppose that I expect indifference in return, as indifference = indifference seems like a nice tradeoff, but instead I get animosity. It's strange that people can't just 'accept' things as they are without feeling insulted.
Put it another way, I can talk with you but don't really feel like it, not because of you but just because. Why can't you just accept that without feeling angry at me? Is talking really crucial to you?
I like quiet people. I don't see why people expect people to be talkative all the time and point out that you're quiet. I've had it happen to me. I'm actually really talkative if I know the person. If I don't know them it's not so easy to make long conversation.
On March 20 2010 03:14 [Fin]Vittu wrote: i think its fine being quiet. you'd rather be seen as the "one in deep thought" than the one who runs his mouth all day and say something that might be offensive. or ever worse, act like a know it all. i agree that it is better to say nothing than to act like a fool and pretending to know bits/pieces of a topic and try to work off of that
"silence is your best ally, it will never betray you."
The people who comment on this are people who like to talk even when they have nothing meaningful to say. They can't understand why some people would rather say nothing than anything at all, and take it as a personal offense.
People are afraid of the unknown and by being quiet they can't 'read' you and you pose either a challenge (we must make him talk) or a mystery. If latter then they can't know what you're thinking of or what you think about certain subject. And because that is strange to them they might think that you think you're too good for them cuz they're bunch of morrons or just don't have an opinnion about something (which is prefectly fine but people find it strange). I really respect the quiet people (I'm semi quiet myself ) because when you get to know them they're one of the funniest people of all... ... or they're just creepy always plotting silent ninja killers :D
This thread reminds me of the episode of Father Ted "Entertaining Father Stone" (on youtube) not sure if every country can see it, but it kinda sums up how people can feel about super-quiet people.
Usually I never talk to any strangers or people I don't know. Not because I'm anti-social, but more of the fact that they don't interest me in anyway. I have enough friends and acquintances in my life at the moment so I don't need anymore.
People often perceive me as quiet, but then get suprised when I'm forced to talk to people since I have no problem engaging in a conversation or debate when I'm needed to or when I feel it's something I want to speak up about.
I don't mind silence as long as it's around strangers, I don't know them so why would I talk to them, but silence can be quite awkward if it's in a situation where there is some social interaction needed, like say dinners.
On March 20 2010 03:14 [Fin]Vittu wrote: i think its fine being quiet. you'd rather be seen as the "one in deep thought" than the one who runs his mouth all day and say something that might be offensive. or ever worse, act like a know it all. i agree that it is better to say nothing than to act like a fool and pretending to know bits/pieces of a topic and try to work off of that
"silence is your best ally, it will never betray you."
On March 20 2010 03:02 JeeJee wrote: uhh it's cause when people are quiet in other people's company, they are not comfortable. to be more precise, i meant to say when people aren't quiet, they are comfortable. this is true for everybody, including you (as you said yourself, around your friends you talk and laugh and are comfortable. basically you enjoy being there). hence, you're perceived (fairly or not) as being uncomfortable and nobody likes that. it makes them feel uncomfortable, and its perfectly understandable why.
This is it.
Also, quite frankly, just in my experience, if you have nothing to say, it implies you're not interested in what is going on. Also, I sometimes get the feeling that you are not contributing at all to the social setting/environment. After all, if you're so comfortable to just be in silence and not communicate with people you do not fully know, why don't you just go and be by yourself? Why must I be the one putting myself out there more, even though I may be just as uncomfortable as you, and doing all the work to make that relationship/friendship work? In the end, its just not worth it and I'd rather spend my time with people who are willing to do their part in furthering a social atmosphere - after all, why "socialize" when you're not going to even communicate. I'd rather "socialize" with people who will actually communicate, talk, and engage in conversation than somebody who seems totally uninterested and content to just be alone. If I wanted to spend time alone, I'd have stayed in or ate alone.
This isn't hating on quiet people. I have a lot of close quiet friends in which our friendships developed slowly under different settings. But quite frankly, with new people or even in certain settings, I definitely would prefer to hang out with people that are more social. Time is my most valuable resource right now, and if I'm going to spend time to "socialize," we better damn well be socializing instead of staring at our feet.
Not surprised a Starcraft forum is largely socially inept lol. Quiet people are strange because speech is the cornerstone of human interaction. Quiet people are like chimps that don't pick the fleas off of other chimps. Humans are social, hierarchal creatures. Is being uncomfortable with silent people really that much of a perplexing idea?
People who don't talk are scared of making connections or aren't very interesting people. That is to say, either the person has nothing to talk about because he's a boring person or because he doesn't know how to talk to other people.
What reason is there not to be social and talk to people? You have nothing to lose, who knows, the person you talk to may be a valuable asset in the future should he / she remember you. To say 'there's no point' or that 'I just don't find the conversation interesting' are excuses to hide behind. Talking to people about things you don't find interesting can still further develop your own knowledge and better yourself. No one is saying you have to be the life of the conversation, but take part and be interesting. Learn from what others have to say. Talk and gain. Sit in silence and lose.
Not to say I'm talkative myself. I'm just explaining why I don't like par-taking heavily in discussion. I have little to say and I guess I could say I'm scared of breaking out of my shell, it seems like too much trouble.
On March 20 2010 03:35 Not_A_Notion wrote: This thread reminds me of the episode of Father Ted "Entertaining Father Stone" (on youtube) not sure if every country can see it, but it kinda sums up how people can feel about super-quiet people.
May not be in everybody's tastes though.
Haha, amazing episode, amazing show but nothing beats the christmas special ^^
Personally I can sit there in silence or talk to people, either way is good for me and I don't see what problem people have with quietness.
On March 20 2010 03:05 Johnranger-123 wrote: Cause people are nosey and want you too be nosey with you. Its also kinda hard to get to know people when they are being silent. I personally dont mind but really social people want everyone else to be social with them, one way conversations are boring.
but why must strangers know each other? It's just weird to me that conversation has to be established to be comfortable around each other. If we're all humans, and we're all live in the same neighbourhood, why does it take conversation to make someone comfortable?
i'm just not sure if the onus is on the person who is quiet or the person who is nosy to get conversation going? why is it such a sin to not know each other?
Well like other people have said its nice to get to know people, see if you like the same things etc. Silence is like your trying to think of something to say, but you have nothing of interest to say.
If you have company and don't know what to talk about, it is an option to carry on with stuff you want to do by yourself. But it is impolite to ignore company like that so at least one has to strike up a conversation to the effect of 'okay I'll go do something else now, you're good?'. And people could find that difficult. And then non-verbal communication happens anyway and that's the awkward experience you and others have. Just open your mouth to the effect of slashing down the non-verbal communication and everyone can relax.
On March 20 2010 03:14 wo0py wrote: i dont like quite people.
i see talking as sharing with others. so when some one is not talking they don't want to share. i also am interested in others, so when some one doesnt ask me questions i think they think i'm not interesting.
... It's true that I'm not overly interested in other people's lives. People ask me about my life all the time, and usually I don't like that. I rarely ask about how other people are doing. I realize this can be offensive to some people, and therein lies the problem.
The question is not whether I am interested in you or not, most likely I don't hate you because I don't even know you. But indifference in itself is an offense to some people. It's almost narcissistic that someone MUST be interested in you or otherwise. I suppose that I expect indifference in return, as indifference = indifference seems like a nice tradeoff, but instead I get animosity. It's strange that people can't just 'accept' things as they are without feeling insulted.
Put it another way, I can talk with you but don't really feel like it, not because of you but just because. Why can't you just accept that without feeling angry at me? Is talking really crucial to you?
With your attitude, most people will avoid talking to you. There are a few people who will make an effort to talk with you. This is going to be rare outside of your "family gatherings." I would describe these people as altruistic.
All other socialization is a mutal benefit for both people. By socializing with people, and asking about their problems, you create a connection. Other people can help you with problems or even create opportunities. Swapping favours is very beneficial because something easy for you might be hard for someone else.
Basically, you're shooting yourself in the foot with your attitude, but no one is going to care. Once you grow up, you can do whatever you want.
Asian/ nerd quiet is far lamer. It's the one where you tend to just look completely inept in a social situation and extremely timid and meek to say anything, and your face looks pallid and like a rabbit caught in headlights when someone engages you in conversation. Polite quiet involves reacting to what other people saying and smiling, but simply not talking.
You could proly do with a little bit of tightening up and say a few things, just like how in convos I could do with with keeping it zipped a little more (something I'm getting better and better at ^^ IRL)
as a person who doesn't talk much i'm gathering some insight from this thread.
i never realized in a social environment ppl actually expect everyone to contribute. half the time in social situations with more than 4 or 5 ppl there always tends to be someone who is constantly talking and reaching for attention i'd rather not battle them. talking is honestly kind of annoying i always thought i was a good listener... lols
I talk to like everyone around me if I'm gonna be spending more amount of time than a stop light chaning from red to green with them. Iunno why it's just natural to me. I don't get irritated if people are quiet, I just enjoy talking to people seeing whats up with them and what they care about. People are the most interesting things in this world to me an talking to a lot of different ones, strangers included, makes me feel good sometimes. I've befriended and helped random strangers and some have awe'd me with profound wisdom~ You never know who you are next to.
next time look at them like they are fucking idiots when they try to call u out for 'being quiet'
then continue to stare
watch and see what happens
When I went to visit some relatives, they had friends over and we were gathered around eating. There was conversation going on but I didn't talk that much except to answer some questions or make some brief comments. One of the guests mentioned how funny it is that some people don't talk. He was of course, implicating me. Not once did he did this, but twice!
'couldn't get a chance to say anything because you've been too busy running your mouth the whole time'
Pretty much because they find it awkward. Awkwardness isn't exactly a fantastic feeling. Even if you know they are talking because they are just quiet it doesn't help the awkwardness.
Personally, I hate that feeling, not that I have anything against quiet people. I'm not mad at them or anything, especially when you're in an elevator or something, because even talkative people usually shut their mouth there lol. It's just uncomfortable...
Personally, when I meet random people, and by this I mean either a stranger on the street, a waiter at a restaurant, a busker, or a colleague I've seen a couple of times, I just see them as another person occupying the same space. Occasionally, when I see that I have something in common with another person, only then do I start to talk. I don't really like to feel around too much.
I assume that because the worst that I do to people I don't know is not have a conversation, that there isn't any hard feelings involved. If I haven't gossiped about you, called you a rude name, or physically attacked you, then you shouldn't feel bad. However, it seems like the lack of interaction has a negative result. My point is, it's strange that even though NOTHING is exchanged between two people, the result is still negative. It's like every situation starting with two strangers starts out as a negative.
On March 20 2010 04:02 ulszz wrote: as a person who doesn't talk much i'm gathering some insight from this thread.
i never realized in a social environment ppl actually expect everyone to contribute. half the time in social situations with more than 4 or 5 ppl there always tends to be someone who is constantly talking and reaching for attention i'd rather not battle them. talking is honestly kind of annoying i always thought i was a good listener... lols
no it doesn't work like that. Talkers don't want other talkers. In groups, the dominant personalities tend to monopolize the airwaves. Most of the crowd should be listeners/ borderline talkers; or have another group. You have a place as a listener, nothing wrong with that.
Being quiet when people engage you in direct conversation is much worse than just being quiet in a group.
talking is good, it brings people closer and it opens up endless opportunities. When some people telling you that you are pretty quite, that is their way of trying to help you to engage in the conversation.
On March 20 2010 03:42 Romantic wrote: Not surprised a Starcraft forum is largely socially inept lol. Quiet people are strange because speech is the cornerstone of human interaction. Quiet people are like chimps that don't pick the fleas off of other chimps. Humans are social, hierarchal creatures. Is being uncomfortable with silent people really that much of a perplexing idea?
Yeah so coming from me, a quiet person. I'm not disinterested, uncomfortable, or anything when I stand/sit there in silence, I just usually have nothing to say. I'll have conversations with anyone who starts them with me but its extremely rare when I try to start one up with someone else. Its not that I don't want to, its just that I simply don't talk a lot.
I feel what you're saying though. I've been in those situations plenty of times where someone I'm working with or a relative or something comments on me being quiet. Its just the way I am.
On March 20 2010 03:42 Romantic wrote: Not surprised a Starcraft forum is largely socially inept lol. Quiet people are strange because speech is the cornerstone of human interaction. Quiet people are like chimps that don't pick the fleas off of other chimps. Humans are social, hierarchal creatures. Is being uncomfortable with silent people really that much of a perplexing idea?
This stereotype has no basis in truth.
Type the word 'virgin' into the search bar and look at some of the posts and poll results you find. You might think otherwise.
Quite often im quiet because i consider their remarks not worthy. arround 95 procent of the world is of a verry low intelectual level.
Even at my university i consider 50% of the students stupid beacuse of the speed at wich they understand things or needing te be holded hands wile trying to solve a problem.
Most of the people in the world are not even capeble of forming well thought opinions but simple repeat what they heard someone else say. It's quite pathetic.
maybe you could say i have a bit of a supriority issue. but i mostly envy the people that just go through life without thinking themselfs. It makes life and it's uselessness way ezier to cope with. The ability to think well might seem nice but it is a great burden in life.
On March 20 2010 05:06 Marradron wrote: Quite often im quiet because i consider their remarks not worthy. arround 95 procent of the world is of a verry low intelectual level.
Even at my university i consider 50% of the students stupid beacuse of the speed at wich they understand things or needing te be holded hands wile trying to solve a problem.
Most of the people in the world are not even capeble of forming well thought opinions but simple repeat what they heard someone else say. It's quite pathetic.
maybe you could say i have a bit of a supriority issue. but i mostly envy the people that just go through life without thinking themselfs. It makes life and it's uselessness way ezier to cope with. The ability to think well might seem nice but it is a great burden in life.
Not only are you wrong, you've also managed to make the most pessimistic post I've ever read.
I don't know if this has been mentioned, but a study on how people react towards people they do not like showed that girls:Are in many cases being overfriendly and helpful to the person they dislike. Guys: Tighten up/become quiet when confronted with the person, responding in as short and precise as possible sentenses to any attempt of contact
(This is of course a bit of a short summary done by memory, but it was pretty much like that) I believe it is because that the human brain recognises that quietness is a sort of passive aggressiveness from many males, and thus some people find it irritating or even offensive.
Clearly [not all] people have to talk, take yourself for instance. I am inclined to make some use of introversion/extroversion personality traits here. Someone that has a higher level of sociability is likely to be disappointed with little feedback, while someone with lower levels might become annoyed by prattle. Thing is, people tend more toward the extroversion end. So that's a potential simple explanation. More complicated explanations would get more into social norms, psychology, ...
On March 20 2010 03:42 Romantic wrote: Not surprised a Starcraft forum is largely socially inept lol. Quiet people are strange because speech is the cornerstone of human interaction. Quiet people are like chimps that don't pick the fleas off of other chimps. Humans are social, hierarchal creatures. Is being uncomfortable with silent people really that much of a perplexing idea?
This stereotype has no basis in truth.
Type the word 'virgin' into the search bar and look at some of the posts and poll results you find. You might think otherwise.
You'll see most of them are kids thinking it's cool to call others virgin on the internet while bragging about everyone elses social and sexual incompetence while banging supermodels and driving their M3. That stereotype does have truth, there is a strange breed of creature that exists only online and devotes its time only to bragging. However most people online are completely normal people who just happen to be online. No more or less virginal than others.
On March 20 2010 03:42 Romantic wrote: Not surprised a Starcraft forum is largely socially inept lol. Quiet people are strange because speech is the cornerstone of human interaction. Quiet people are like chimps that don't pick the fleas off of other chimps. Humans are social, hierarchal creatures. Is being uncomfortable with silent people really that much of a perplexing idea?
This stereotype has no basis in truth.
Type the word 'virgin' into the search bar and look at some of the posts and poll results you find. You might think otherwise.
You'll see most of them are kids thinking it's cool to call others virgin on the internet while bragging about everyone elses social and sexual incompetence while banging supermodels and driving their M3. That stereotype does have truth, there is a strange breed of creature that exists only online and devotes its time only to bragging. However most people online are completely normal people who just happen to be online. No more or less virginal than others.
I'll kindly disagree with the idea that TL.net has the same proportion of people who are considered social inept as a randomly selected group of people between the ages of 16-20.
Most of the people in the world are not even capeble of forming well thought opinions but simple repeat what they heard someone else say. It's quite pathetic.
it's not pathetic, it's just the way it is
to hold yourself 'above' everyone because you think you're smarter than them is the only 'pathetic' thing
On March 20 2010 03:02 JeeJee wrote: uhh it's cause when people are quiet in other people's company, they are not comfortable. to be more precise, i meant to say when people aren't quiet, they are comfortable. this is true for everybody, including you (as you said yourself, around your friends you talk and laugh and are comfortable. basically you enjoy being there). hence, you're perceived (fairly or not) as being uncomfortable and nobody likes that. it makes them feel uncomfortable, and its perfectly understandable why.
This is it.
Also, quite frankly, just in my experience, if you have nothing to say, it implies you're not interested in what is going on. Also, I sometimes get the feeling that you are not contributing at all to the social setting/environment. After all, if you're so comfortable to just be in silence and not communicate with people you do not fully know, why don't you just go and be by yourself? Why must I be the one putting myself out there more, even though I may be just as uncomfortable as you, and doing all the work to make that relationship/friendship work? In the end, its just not worth it and I'd rather spend my time with people who are willing to do their part in furthering a social atmosphere - after all, why "socialize" when you're not going to even communicate. I'd rather "socialize" with people who will actually communicate, talk, and engage in conversation than somebody who seems totally uninterested and content to just be alone. If I wanted to spend time alone, I'd have stayed in or ate alone.
This isn't hating on quiet people. I have a lot of close quiet friends in which our friendships developed slowly under different settings. But quite frankly, with new people or even in certain settings, I definitely would prefer to hang out with people that are more social. Time is my most valuable resource right now, and if I'm going to spend time to "socialize," we better damn well be socializing instead of staring at our feet.
This says everything on my mind. I don't bother getting to know people who don't talk or put effort into the relationship, unless it's under some special circumstances.
people always fear what they do no understand. Also, in movies and shit it's often the quiet seemingly nice person who turns out to be the brutal rapist serial killer.
Regardless of that, some people are just extroverted and I tend to believe that the more extroverted you are the more you talk and ramble and blah blah with nothing really important to think or say they just fill the void with mindless babble/small talk.
Also, people feel that you are just being a quiet observer, which is fine. But they can't take the heat of feeling like they are being judged or whatever while they get no reads out of you at all. kinda like poker
On March 20 2010 06:10 TwilightStar wrote: Silence is key. I think people who talk too much are the ones with problems.
People who talk excessively are certainly annoying, but I would rather choose that over awkward silence. Awkwardness is the worst.
silence is only awkward if the person is just sitting there doing nothing also
haha yeah im talking about situations where you start a conversation then the person just doesn't talk. i wouldn't bother trying to have a continued and long conversation if the person is reading a book or something
also, in situations like family friend dinner gatherings, it's almost like a social etiquette to talk and socialize.
Groups have goals, if you're part of a group people expect you to add something to that group. Sitting around not saying jack shit makes you look awkward, uninterested or useless. If this bothers you, try adding things to the group more actively. There's nothing wrong with being quiet or having a reserved opinion, but don't say nothing, if you feel uncomfortable find a group you're comfortable with.
On March 20 2010 03:02 JeeJee wrote: uhh it's cause when people are quiet in other people's company, they are not comfortable. to be more precise, i meant to say when people aren't quiet, they are comfortable. this is true for everybody, including you (as you said yourself, around your friends you talk and laugh and are comfortable. basically you enjoy being there). hence, you're perceived (fairly or not) as being uncomfortable and nobody likes that. it makes them feel uncomfortable, and its perfectly understandable why.
This is it.
Also, quite frankly, just in my experience, if you have nothing to say, it implies you're not interested in what is going on. Also, I sometimes get the feeling that you are not contributing at all to the social setting/environment. After all, if you're so comfortable to just be in silence and not communicate with people you do not fully know, why don't you just go and be by yourself? Why must I be the one putting myself out there more, even though I may be just as uncomfortable as you, and doing all the work to make that relationship/friendship work? In the end, its just not worth it and I'd rather spend my time with people who are willing to do their part in furthering a social atmosphere - after all, why "socialize" when you're not going to even communicate. I'd rather "socialize" with people who will actually communicate, talk, and engage in conversation than somebody who seems totally uninterested and content to just be alone. If I wanted to spend time alone, I'd have stayed in or ate alone.
This isn't hating on quiet people. I have a lot of close quiet friends in which our friendships developed slowly under different settings. But quite frankly, with new people or even in certain settings, I definitely would prefer to hang out with people that are more social. Time is my most valuable resource right now, and if I'm going to spend time to "socialize," we better damn well be socializing instead of staring at our feet.
This says everything on my mind. I don't bother getting to know people who don't talk or put effort into the relationship, unless it's under some special circumstances.
the thing with that though, is the op is referring to a family gathering. I don't know about you but all of my family gatherings are boring as shit and lame. Mostly due to uninteresting/dumb relatives. Plus you only see them every so often, so you don't know them- you're only there because you're supposed to be.
What you're thinking of it a group of friends or acquaintances, in that case I'd agree. But that's more of a comfortable less formal setting. So it's a lot easier to let loose.
also, in situations like family friend dinner gatherings, it's almost like a social etiquette to talk and socialize.
I've never met anyone who can relate to their parent's old people friends talking about old people things and generally just being so... fucking... old.
It's not like we don't acknowledge their presence and exchange friendly greetings, it's just that when all they have to talk about is how amazing/dangerous the internet is, or about this one 'REALLY SMART DOCTOR' that got scammed by your typical Nigerian ploy, there's nothing to say to someone that far gone. It's okay one on one when you can change the subject to something more pleasant, but when old people gather they have no semblance of what is and isn't horrifically mundane. I'm sure when they're alone they talk about interesting things, but it's just this pitiful attempt at keeping an illusion of respect that makes every conversation impossible. Because they set a precedent that you also can't talk about anything interesting.
I tend to be a very thoughtful person, so I don't like meaningless conversation either... Which is why when dinner with one side of my family degrades to quoting South Park for 5 hours, I keep pretty quiet. Still waters run deep. People who talk about nothing are annoying. It can't be called socializing when no information is transferred to anyone participating.
In fact I honestly think people who talk a lot at all times can be much more annoying than people who don't mind being quiet around other people for a couple of minutes. I mean why exactly does there have to be a social component to all situations?
It's like when I'm at work, I'm not necessarily interested in having all those little 5 min talks with people in the office 20 times a day. I'm there to make money, and the people that surround me at work aren't usually the people I would have chosen to be good friends with. Or even worse when I'm at the hairdresser or something like that and get almost forced into having stupid conversations about the weather that have 0 reward.
And obviously it's a whole different thing if you're in a group working on some project, in which case it's expected that everyone should be contributing.
guys, i'm not talking about being quite for a few minutes. I'm talking about big chunks of silence. Like, I could sit at a dinner and not talk at all until it's time to do the dishes.
I don't know if people view talking as a tool for them, or it's something they really value. For me it's something I don't care for at all. I don't want to be mute or anything, it's just the talking isn't the first thing I think about when I meet someone.
Its evolutionary instinct to want to communicate with others. It's how we got this far in the first place. Silence can be interpereted as offensive or even hostile when around someone "neutral" because basic human instinct is to interact.
Sure some people are quiet, but people who are too quiet are a minority.
On March 20 2010 06:58 ProTech_MediC wrote: Its evolutionary instinct to want to communicate with others. It's how we got this far in the first place. Silence can be interpereted as offensive or even hostile when around someone "neutral" because basic human instinct is to interact.
Sure some people are quiet, but people who are too quiet are a minority.
Being quiet or reserved is not the same as not making sounds when a tiger approaches to warn your group. Please don't make up random theories based on evolution that make no sense. Most famous evolutionists would contradict your statement.
I hate this idea that everything we do that is somewhat beneficial is supposed to be evolutionary, as if everyone not completely 'normal' is somehow an evolutionary reject.
On March 20 2010 03:02 JeeJee wrote: uhh it's cause when people are quiet in other people's company, they are not comfortable. to be more precise, i meant to say when people aren't quiet, they are comfortable. this is true for everybody, including you (as you said yourself, around your friends you talk and laugh and are comfortable. basically you enjoy being there). hence, you're perceived (fairly or not) as being uncomfortable and nobody likes that. it makes them feel uncomfortable, and its perfectly understandable why.
This is it.
Also, quite frankly, just in my experience, if you have nothing to say, it implies you're not interested in what is going on. Also, I sometimes get the feeling that you are not contributing at all to the social setting/environment. After all, if you're so comfortable to just be in silence and not communicate with people you do not fully know, why don't you just go and be by yourself? Why must I be the one putting myself out there more, even though I may be just as uncomfortable as you, and doing all the work to make that relationship/friendship work? In the end, its just not worth it and I'd rather spend my time with people who are willing to do their part in furthering a social atmosphere - after all, why "socialize" when you're not going to even communicate. I'd rather "socialize" with people who will actually communicate, talk, and engage in conversation than somebody who seems totally uninterested and content to just be alone. If I wanted to spend time alone, I'd have stayed in or ate alone.
This isn't hating on quiet people. I have a lot of close quiet friends in which our friendships developed slowly under different settings. But quite frankly, with new people or even in certain settings, I definitely would prefer to hang out with people that are more social. Time is my most valuable resource right now, and if I'm going to spend time to "socialize," we better damn well be socializing instead of staring at our feet.
Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
Why do you gotta make such a simple thing as hanging out some kind of team effort chore? Maybe I enjoy just listening to other people talk? Now I gotta make an effort to be interesting even with my FRIENDS? Wouldn't you prefer me to speak when I have something interesting to say?
I mean surely you can't think everything you say is interesting, right? You know it, I know it, we both know it. If either of us had something interesting to share, we'd not be in this awkward situation. Why are you demanding conversation that we both know is going to suck?
I used to be really closed up and distant, but then I got so much shit for it that I made a concious effort to become more social. It was an agonizing time of actually talking about the fucking weather and pretending it was super interesting. Now I can handle myself in any group, but after lots of practice I can tell you this; I'm not helping anyone by faking interest. If someone is boring, I think you're doing them a bigger favor letting them know than pretending they're awesome, at least then they can get breast implants.
If that came off sounding angry, I didn't mean it to. I'm merely annoyed, that's just my argument voice.
On March 20 2010 02:50 buickskylark wrote: I'm a quiet person. Like, extremely quiet. I just don't like to talk that much except with a few very close friends then I talk and laugh a lot. Maybe I'm shy around strangers, but the problem isn't shyness it's the lack of talking.
I've had so many instances of people telling me how quiet I am and then they imply that it makes them uncomfortable. My question is why? I don't mind sitting in total silence, with strangers or with friends, but most people find this awkward.
When I went to visit some relatives, they had friends over and we were gathered around eating. There was conversation going on but I didn't talk that much except to answer some questions or make some brief comments. One of the guests mentioned how funny it is that some people don't talk. He was of course, implicating me. Not once did he did this, but twice!
It occurred to me that what was perfectly normal to me, was so inexplicable to someone else. I didn't do anything or say anything bad about these people, but for some reason my silence really offends them.
At first I thought maybe some people are just talkative, or get bored easily. But I think perhaps the majority of people don't feel comfortable around quiet people? My question is why? Why do people HAVE to talk.
im pretty much like this but people dont seem to mind, except when girls are around and then they ask me why i dont talk.
the fact that my life is boring and im completely totally monotone plays a huge part in it
If you're smiling, listening, and/or looking interested that's one thing, but I don't think that's what's happening. I'm echoing half a dozen people in this thread, but if you're in a group of talking people and you're standing there in stony silence saying nothing people are going to assume (bar an indication to the contrary) that you aren't having a good time and that's going to make them uncomfortable.
If the conversation is boring as fuck you can attempt to change the subject, or nod and smile or whatever, or leave.
I have the opposite problem, i talk when I'm nervous, like when im around people i don't know. Which causes the problem of having people you don't like want to be friends with you because you talked to them first. Basically, its better to be quiet than talkative.
I honestly prefer quiet people, they are more fun and a lot funnier when they do want to talk.
People that are very quiet always interest me more because you want to get to know them at a deeper level. Until you meet them and find out they are mostly low self esteemed pussies.
On March 20 2010 10:34 Hypnosis wrote: People that are very quiet always interest me more because you want to get to know them at a deeper level. Until you meet them and find out they are mostly low self esteemed pussies.
some of them are annoying faggots who read too much manga and try to become that quiet person.
I'm generally very quiet, but that is only because I can't just turn on conversation. If I don't have anything to talk about, I just won't talk. It's so much more unnatural to try and force a conversation, and it usually makes it even more awkward. However, I still have the same feeling, a nagging feeling inside of me that pressures me to think that silence is awkward and it must be broken.
On March 20 2010 09:50 EmeraldSparks wrote: If you're smiling, listening, and/or looking interested that's one thing, but I don't think that's what's happening. I'm echoing half a dozen people in this thread, but if you're in a group of talking people and you're standing there in stony silence saying nothing people are going to assume (bar an indication to the contrary) that you aren't having a good time and that's going to make them uncomfortable.
If the conversation is boring as fuck you can attempt to change the subject, or nod and smile or whatever, or leave.
This. I used to be pretty quiet but it's something you work on and gain with self confidence.
That doesn't mean all quiet is bad though. With my best friend, we can spend time together and just relax without saying a word. Some people can't deal with silence and they're equally annoying. You need to be able to work with both.
also, in situations like family friend dinner gatherings, it's almost like a social etiquette to talk and socialize.
I've never met anyone who can relate to their parent's old people friends talking about old people things and generally just being so... fucking... old.
It's not like we don't acknowledge their presence and exchange friendly greetings, it's just that when all they have to talk about is how amazing/dangerous the internet is, or about this one 'REALLY SMART DOCTOR' that got scammed by your typical Nigerian ploy, there's nothing to say to someone that far gone. It's okay one on one when you can change the subject to something more pleasant, but when old people gather they have no semblance of what is and isn't horrifically mundane. I'm sure when they're alone they talk about interesting things, but it's just this pitiful attempt at keeping an illusion of respect that makes every conversation impossible. Because they set a precedent that you also can't talk about anything interesting.
I tend to be a very thoughtful person, so I don't like meaningless conversation either... Which is why when dinner with one side of my family degrades to quoting South Park for 5 hours, I keep pretty quiet. Still waters run deep. People who talk about nothing are annoying. It can't be called socializing when no information is transferred to anyone participating.
I can sit around with my parents friends and talk it up just fine. You just have to find common areas of interest. If you have nothing in common, there are probably interesting parts of both your lives that you both do not have much experience in that could be interesting to explore if they/you are willing to share.
Quite frankly, it's just a social skill that largely involves bringing a positive attitude to every new relationship instead of being so negative. And I know it might seem frustrating if the topic seems so mundane and stupid to you, but spice it up! Adding value and relating in topics that is not your cup of tea is a great skill to have and will probably help you later in life. It also shows a sense of maturity to be able to relate to all types of people without being so set in your own ways.
On March 20 2010 14:44 Snet wrote: What truly is annoying is someone who constantly talks even about nothing.
from what i've read, the advice given, talking about nothing is precisely the point. Talking for the sake of talking. That's why I'm not that into it. It physically and mentally makes me tired to talk about things I'm not interested in.
On March 20 2010 14:44 Snet wrote: What truly is annoying is someone who constantly talks even about nothing.
from what i've read, the advice given, talking about nothing is precisely the point. Talking for the sake of talking. That's why I'm not that into it. It physically and mentally makes me tired to talk about things I'm not interested in.
You're talking to get to know other people. That's a good thing. I don't think that's what he's talking about.
Theres a lot of internet nerds out there that have no social skills, and try to play off their inability to communicate with human beings as "silence", when in reality they feel uncomfortable outside of their keyboard. Grow up dude
On March 20 2010 14:44 Snet wrote: What truly is annoying is someone who constantly talks even about nothing.
from what i've read, the advice given, talking about nothing is precisely the point. Talking for the sake of talking. That's why I'm not that into it. It physically and mentally makes me tired to talk about things I'm not interested in.
lol you have a completely wrong mindset and perspective. have fun being socially inept
On March 20 2010 14:44 Snet wrote: What truly is annoying is someone who constantly talks even about nothing.
from what i've read, the advice given, talking about nothing is precisely the point. Talking for the sake of talking. That's why I'm not that into it. It physically and mentally makes me tired to talk about things I'm not interested in.
lol you have a completely wrong mindset and perspective. have fun being socially inept
On March 20 2010 14:44 Snet wrote: What truly is annoying is someone who constantly talks even about nothing.
from what i've read, the advice given, talking about nothing is precisely the point. Talking for the sake of talking. That's why I'm not that into it. It physically and mentally makes me tired to talk about things I'm not interested in.
lol you have a completely wrong mindset and perspective. have fun being socially inept
On March 20 2010 14:44 Snet wrote: What truly is annoying is someone who constantly talks even about nothing.
from what i've read, the advice given, talking about nothing is precisely the point. Talking for the sake of talking. That's why I'm not that into it. It physically and mentally makes me tired to talk about things I'm not interested in.
There is a difference between talking just to talk, and talking about random things that may seem like nothing until you find a common interest. It is surprisingly easy to get into a true conversation with someone as long as each of you are talking about random things hoping to find a common interest you are both happy discussing.
I'm sure it's been said before, but there is more to no talking than it may seem. If you are sitting at a dinner table with company and you are just staring at your plate and eating you are going to come off like you don't want to be there and are isolating yourself from anyone. If you are not speaking but keeping your head up and making eye contact with people who are speaking and giving the occasional smile or some sort of physical response to their speech you will be perceived in a much better light.
Being too quiet creates awkward moments and it makes people around you feel as if you don't want to be around them...basically it feeds their insecurity
On March 20 2010 14:44 Snet wrote: What truly is annoying is someone who constantly talks even about nothing.
from what i've read, the advice given, talking about nothing is precisely the point. Talking for the sake of talking. That's why I'm not that into it. It physically and mentally makes me tired to talk about things I'm not interested in.
There is a difference between talking just to talk, and talking about random things that may seem like nothing until you find a common interest. It is surprisingly easy to get into a true conversation with someone as long as each of you are talking about random things hoping to find a common interest you are both happy discussing.
I'm sure it's been said before, but there is more to no talking than it may seem. If you are sitting at a dinner table with company and you are just staring at your plate and eating you are going to come off like you don't want to be there and are isolating yourself from anyone. If you are not speaking but keeping your head up and making eye contact with people who are speaking and giving the occasional smile or some sort of physical response to their speech you will be perceived in a much better light.
Talking when you know what people think about you is easy. Talking when you're trying to make an impression is where the issues come up. The awkwardness from being quiet (In this one situation, at least, and in my opinion) comes from you feeling you aren't successfully making that impression. The act of not saying anything makes your opinion of their opinion of you insecure. If you know what they think of you, then the silence really isn't that big of a deal. However, you can also consider that some people just don't like not talking.
I found myself trying to talk to people. I can't figure out why. I don't know if it is making me uncomfortable, or if I feel it makes them uncomfortable, or if it says something about me, or what.
Silences in conversation used to feel really awkward for me. Then I realized yeah I'm not saying anything, but neither is anyone else. No need to feel personally responsible. Other people still squirm, but that's their deal
EPT
) because when you get to know them they're one of the funniest people of all...
maybe you could say i have a bit of a supriority issue. but i mostly envy the people that just go through life without thinking themselfs. It makes life and it's uselessness way ezier to cope with.
