|
We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On February 11 2019 13:24 WarSame wrote:
I've heard it said that the healthiest relationships are purposefully built. They aren't destiny. Your relationship aligns with that.
My girlfriend and I have had some hard talks recently. I've let her down in a few ways. In particular I haven't been paying enough attention to her and showing her I care enough about her. I'm going to try to work on that, but it doesn't come naturally to me. What would you guys suggest for this? Do you try to show you care in those small ways? Do you do big romantic gestures?
they dont have to be big romantic gestures but if youre a guy who naturally doesnt show much affection, you gotta keep in mind that you have to do these things consciously. how you actually do this depends largely on the girl though. some people like to keep track of milestones, some like activities, some like gifts, some just wanna talk. i find that in general you dont need to do big things though. starting a conversation with a personal question rather than asking a question as a followup to a conversation she starts for example. or maybe you remember that she said she likes a particular flower and you happen to walk by said flower and pick it/buy it for her. pretty corny shit but doesnt have to be a massive investment on your part either
|
On February 11 2019 13:35 IgnE wrote:
Do you find yourself naturally interested in other humans, generally, for their own sake?
Is this meant as a general question?
I have quite a few problems with eaxctly this to be honest. Often ppl mention my severe lack of empathy and I'm often perceived as cold because I see things very rational and logical. I'm trying to work on that but it's not me. It's just a face I can put on
|
On February 11 2019 16:29 evilfatsh1t wrote:Show nested quote +On February 11 2019 13:24 WarSame wrote:
I've heard it said that the healthiest relationships are purposefully built. They aren't destiny. Your relationship aligns with that.
My girlfriend and I have had some hard talks recently. I've let her down in a few ways. In particular I haven't been paying enough attention to her and showing her I care enough about her. I'm going to try to work on that, but it doesn't come naturally to me. What would you guys suggest for this? Do you try to show you care in those small ways? Do you do big romantic gestures? they dont have to be big romantic gestures but if youre a guy who naturally doesnt show much affection, you gotta keep in mind that you have to do these things consciously. how you actually do this depends largely on the girl though. some people like to keep track of milestones, some like activities, some like gifts, some just wanna talk. i find that in general you dont need to do big things though. starting a conversation with a personal question rather than asking a question as a followup to a conversation she starts for example. or maybe you remember that she said she likes a particular flower and you happen to walk by said flower and pick it/buy it for her. pretty corny shit but doesnt have to be a massive investment on your part either
I would add the caveat that sometimes people (specially woman in relationships) say one thing but mean or want another
I don't think overt emotional displays of affection are important on a relationship, they are the icing on the cake. That said, if she does something to show love, being cold towards it is hurtful to most woman.
But more important, do you have common values?
|
|
|
On February 11 2019 13:24 WarSame wrote:
I've heard it said that the healthiest relationships are purposefully built. They aren't destiny. Your relationship aligns with that.
My girlfriend and I have had some hard talks recently. I've let her down in a few ways. In particular I haven't been paying enough attention to her and showing her I care enough about her. I'm going to try to work on that, but it doesn't come naturally to me. What would you guys suggest for this? Do you try to show you care in those small ways? Do you do big romantic gestures?
I have had this kind of fight with my wife a few times. We generally don't fight all that much, but this one kept coming up.
It was simple, I was spending most of my time doing something else (obsessively), because that's what I wanted to do at that time.
I eventually slowed down, reassessed my priorities, and started making more time for doing things with her.
I don't often (well... pretty much never) do big romantic gestures. I guess "big" is relative.
I do try to show I care in small ways sometimes.
But more importantly than either of those.. I actually do genuinely care. When she has a problem, I help. I sacrifice what I want for her sometimes. I listen to her criticisms and don't stop trying to grow even though that is hard. And I hold all of those expectations of her as well.
Above all, be true to yourself and what you actually want. If you don't want to spend so much time with your girlfriend then faking that won't make it better - it will just make you miserable. There is a reason you don't want to show her as much attention lately. Figure out if that reason is based on a mistake or not. Always communicate how you actually feel even if your scared of what it will do to the relationship, because an awesome relationship requires that kind of transparency, you both need to understand each other and be patient with the countless mistakes each other will make.
Just my 2 cents.
On February 11 2019 21:57 Harris1st wrote:Show nested quote +On February 11 2019 13:35 IgnE wrote:
Do you find yourself naturally interested in other humans, generally, for their own sake? Is this meant as a general question? I have quite a few problems with eaxctly this to be honest. Often ppl mention my severe lack of empathy and I'm often perceived as cold because I see things very rational and logical. I'm trying to work on that but it's not me. It's just a face I can put on
Do you think it's really a lack of empathy? Correlating stoicism to a lack of empathy is a fallacy. You don't need to be fake for the sake of other people's ignorant judgments, it is your actions that matter.
A lot of people entertain themselves and validate their own egos by getting in other people's business. Almost nothing in life calls for the amount of drama it creates in society.
|
On February 12 2019 06:28 JimmiC wrote:Show nested quote +On February 11 2019 13:24 WarSame wrote:
I've heard it said that the healthiest relationships are purposefully built. They aren't destiny. Your relationship aligns with that.
My girlfriend and I have had some hard talks recently. I've let her down in a few ways. In particular I haven't been paying enough attention to her and showing her I care enough about her. I'm going to try to work on that, but it doesn't come naturally to me. What would you guys suggest for this? Do you try to show you care in those small ways? Do you do big romantic gestures? I think a lot of people think they want big romantic gestures, but they are not sustainable and really are pretty meaningless. But a decent quick fix to get out a rut. With my wife we went through a big about what you are talking about long ago, and part of it was she didn't realize the amount of thought I put in on the little things and some of the stuff I did for her, with her because I loved her not because I wanted to. When we talked and she found out I went to x number of stores to get her the right brand of Coffee she was much happier than when I just did it and brought it to her. I also would expect her to be more excited, but how could she be when she didn't know the effort I put in? Also all the events and shows and such I watch with her or go to never complaining, because we could spend time together. Now you have to be a little delicate explaining this because you don't want it to spiral to "we have nothing in common". But I think some self promotion on all the little things you might be doing for her, because you care can't hurt. Also find out what she wants, some people prefer compliments and words, some like gifts, some like acts of service (chores what ever) some like touch (not just sex but like massage, cuddle). Communication is key, things can become so much of a bigger problem when you don't talk about them. Also, be careful with surprises, depending on what type of person she is you could think you are doing something awesome but she may see it as a bad thing.
Agreed.Talking helps, and finding some rituals that make you actively interact helps too sometimes.
I had a similar discussion with my girlfriend, and the solution we found which holds out quite well so far was to make a point out of always having dinner at the main table facing each other and talking, as opposed to just sitting next to each other and looking at stuff on the computer while eating, which we used to do previously.
|
last time i dated was 20010, then i discovered sc2 and ... well nothing since ... sc2 is my love i guess
i totaly forget "how to date" i dont even know where to go to meet someone anymore as i only have work -> home/study -> work -> home/study and the very little time i have free i rly wanna use to play some games
so the question is, is it "bad luck" in dating if u dont even find time to do it ?
|
Dunno. If you have other priorities, i really don't see a problem. Bad luck would be if you want to, but can't/are not good at it. But if you don't want to, or think other stuff is more important, there really isn't a problem.
|
On February 12 2019 06:28 JimmiC wrote:Show nested quote +On February 11 2019 13:24 WarSame wrote:
I've heard it said that the healthiest relationships are purposefully built. They aren't destiny. Your relationship aligns with that.
My girlfriend and I have had some hard talks recently. I've let her down in a few ways. In particular I haven't been paying enough attention to her and showing her I care enough about her. I'm going to try to work on that, but it doesn't come naturally to me. What would you guys suggest for this? Do you try to show you care in those small ways? Do you do big romantic gestures? I think a lot of people think they want big romantic gestures, but they are not sustainable and really are pretty meaningless. But a decent quick fix to get out a rut. With my wife we went through a big about what you are talking about long ago, and part of it was she didn't realize the amount of thought I put in on the little things and some of the stuff I did for her, with her because I loved her not because I wanted to. When we talked and she found out I went to x number of stores to get her the right brand of Coffee she was much happier than when I just did it and brought it to her. I also would expect her to be more excited, but how could she be when she didn't know the effort I put in? Also all the events and shows and such I watch with her or go to never complaining, because we could spend time together. Now you have to be a little delicate explaining this because you don't want it to spiral to "we have nothing in common". But I think some self promotion on all the little things you might be doing for her, because you care can't hurt. Also find out what she wants, some people prefer compliments and words, some like gifts, some like acts of service (chores what ever) some like touch (not just sex but like massage, cuddle). Communication is key, things can become so much of a bigger problem when you don't talk about them. Also, be careful with surprises, depending on what type of person she is you could think you are doing something awesome but she may see it as a bad thing.
Well the problem is that she was right. I wasn't really doing those little things for her often. I wasn't thoughtful enough. I was also not hanging out with her when she asked me for no real reason. I just kinda got stuck in a rut of programming, working and playing video games in my room for a while. We talked about the love languages and that's part of what made me realize we are speaking somewhat different languages - physical is big for me, especially hugs. She prefers nice words, but especially the gestures that show I am willing to put some effort into her. I hadn't been doing that enough, though I'm working on it.
On February 12 2019 07:42 travis wrote:Show nested quote +On February 11 2019 13:24 WarSame wrote:
I've heard it said that the healthiest relationships are purposefully built. They aren't destiny. Your relationship aligns with that.
My girlfriend and I have had some hard talks recently. I've let her down in a few ways. In particular I haven't been paying enough attention to her and showing her I care enough about her. I'm going to try to work on that, but it doesn't come naturally to me. What would you guys suggest for this? Do you try to show you care in those small ways? Do you do big romantic gestures? I have had this kind of fight with my wife a few times. We generally don't fight all that much, but this one kept coming up. It was simple, I was spending most of my time doing something else (obsessively), because that's what I wanted to do at that time. I eventually slowed down, reassessed my priorities, and started making more time for doing things with her. I don't often (well... pretty much never) do big romantic gestures. I guess "big" is relative. I do try to show I care in small ways sometimes. But more importantly than either of those.. I actually do genuinely care. When she has a problem, I help. I sacrifice what I want for her sometimes. I listen to her criticisms and don't stop trying to grow even though that is hard. And I hold all of those expectations of her as well. Above all, be true to yourself and what you actually want. If you don't want to spend so much time with your girlfriend then faking that won't make it better - it will just make you miserable. There is a reason you don't want to show her as much attention lately. Figure out if that reason is based on a mistake or not. Always communicate how you actually feel even if your scared of what it will do to the relationship, because an awesome relationship requires that kind of transparency, you both need to understand each other and be patient with the countless mistakes each other will make. Just my 2 cents. Show nested quote +On February 11 2019 21:57 Harris1st wrote:On February 11 2019 13:35 IgnE wrote:
Do you find yourself naturally interested in other humans, generally, for their own sake? Is this meant as a general question? I have quite a few problems with eaxctly this to be honest. Often ppl mention my severe lack of empathy and I'm often perceived as cold because I see things very rational and logical. I'm trying to work on that but it's not me. It's just a face I can put on Do you think it's really a lack of empathy? Correlating stoicism to a lack of empathy is a fallacy. You don't need to be fake for the sake of other people's ignorant judgments, it is your actions that matter. A lot of people entertain themselves and validate their own egos by getting in other people's business. Almost nothing in life calls for the amount of drama it creates in society.
I am interested in some other people for their own sake, but not every person. I am pretty empathetic overall, though I can be very callous sometimes. I would say overall I'm more of a rational than emotional person and very even keeled. I don't stay super happy or super sad for long.
As for if I'm interested in her as a person, yes, I am. However, I sometimes find it hard to express that sort of thing.
On February 12 2019 20:24 Simberto wrote:Show nested quote +On February 12 2019 06:28 JimmiC wrote:On February 11 2019 13:24 WarSame wrote:
I've heard it said that the healthiest relationships are purposefully built. They aren't destiny. Your relationship aligns with that.
My girlfriend and I have had some hard talks recently. I've let her down in a few ways. In particular I haven't been paying enough attention to her and showing her I care enough about her. I'm going to try to work on that, but it doesn't come naturally to me. What would you guys suggest for this? Do you try to show you care in those small ways? Do you do big romantic gestures? I think a lot of people think they want big romantic gestures, but they are not sustainable and really are pretty meaningless. But a decent quick fix to get out a rut. With my wife we went through a big about what you are talking about long ago, and part of it was she didn't realize the amount of thought I put in on the little things and some of the stuff I did for her, with her because I loved her not because I wanted to. When we talked and she found out I went to x number of stores to get her the right brand of Coffee she was much happier than when I just did it and brought it to her. I also would expect her to be more excited, but how could she be when she didn't know the effort I put in? Also all the events and shows and such I watch with her or go to never complaining, because we could spend time together. Now you have to be a little delicate explaining this because you don't want it to spiral to "we have nothing in common". But I think some self promotion on all the little things you might be doing for her, because you care can't hurt. Also find out what she wants, some people prefer compliments and words, some like gifts, some like acts of service (chores what ever) some like touch (not just sex but like massage, cuddle). Communication is key, things can become so much of a bigger problem when you don't talk about them. Also, be careful with surprises, depending on what type of person she is you could think you are doing something awesome but she may see it as a bad thing. Agreed.Talking helps, and finding some rituals that make you actively interact helps too sometimes. I had a similar discussion with my girlfriend, and the solution we found which holds out quite well so far was to make a point out of always having dinner at the main table facing each other and talking, as opposed to just sitting next to each other and looking at stuff on the computer while eating, which we used to do previously.
That's a good suggestion. We don't live together, and part of the problem was that I wasn't coming over nearly enough, even though I absolutely could have. I just got too comfortable in my room playing video games and programming.
On February 12 2019 02:07 GoTuNk! wrote:Show nested quote +On February 11 2019 16:29 evilfatsh1t wrote:On February 11 2019 13:24 WarSame wrote:
I've heard it said that the healthiest relationships are purposefully built. They aren't destiny. Your relationship aligns with that.
My girlfriend and I have had some hard talks recently. I've let her down in a few ways. In particular I haven't been paying enough attention to her and showing her I care enough about her. I'm going to try to work on that, but it doesn't come naturally to me. What would you guys suggest for this? Do you try to show you care in those small ways? Do you do big romantic gestures? they dont have to be big romantic gestures but if youre a guy who naturally doesnt show much affection, you gotta keep in mind that you have to do these things consciously. how you actually do this depends largely on the girl though. some people like to keep track of milestones, some like activities, some like gifts, some just wanna talk. i find that in general you dont need to do big things though. starting a conversation with a personal question rather than asking a question as a followup to a conversation she starts for example. or maybe you remember that she said she likes a particular flower and you happen to walk by said flower and pick it/buy it for her. pretty corny shit but doesnt have to be a massive investment on your part either I would add the caveat that sometimes people (specially woman in relationships) say one thing but mean or want another I don't think overt emotional displays of affection are important on a relationship, they are the icing on the cake. That said, if she does something to show love, being cold towards it is hurtful to most woman. But more important, do you have common values?
Yeah, she would text me or call me and ask me to come over and hang out but I would be like "oh, I'm programming tonight" or otherwise find an excuse to stay comfortable in my room.
What do you mean by common values? Morals?
|
Yeah morals. Things that are important to you/her and your opinion on them. Not hobbies.
|
|
|
On February 13 2019 09:46 WarSame wrote:Show nested quote +On February 12 2019 06:28 JimmiC wrote:On February 11 2019 13:24 WarSame wrote:
I've heard it said that the healthiest relationships are purposefully built. They aren't destiny. Your relationship aligns with that.
My girlfriend and I have had some hard talks recently. I've let her down in a few ways. In particular I haven't been paying enough attention to her and showing her I care enough about her. I'm going to try to work on that, but it doesn't come naturally to me. What would you guys suggest for this? Do you try to show you care in those small ways? Do you do big romantic gestures? I think a lot of people think they want big romantic gestures, but they are not sustainable and really are pretty meaningless. But a decent quick fix to get out a rut. With my wife we went through a big about what you are talking about long ago, and part of it was she didn't realize the amount of thought I put in on the little things and some of the stuff I did for her, with her because I loved her not because I wanted to. When we talked and she found out I went to x number of stores to get her the right brand of Coffee she was much happier than when I just did it and brought it to her. I also would expect her to be more excited, but how could she be when she didn't know the effort I put in? Also all the events and shows and such I watch with her or go to never complaining, because we could spend time together. Now you have to be a little delicate explaining this because you don't want it to spiral to "we have nothing in common". But I think some self promotion on all the little things you might be doing for her, because you care can't hurt. Also find out what she wants, some people prefer compliments and words, some like gifts, some like acts of service (chores what ever) some like touch (not just sex but like massage, cuddle). Communication is key, things can become so much of a bigger problem when you don't talk about them. Also, be careful with surprises, depending on what type of person she is you could think you are doing something awesome but she may see it as a bad thing. Well the problem is that she was right. I wasn't really doing those little things for her often. I wasn't thoughtful enough. I was also not hanging out with her when she asked me for no real reason. I just kinda got stuck in a rut of programming, working and playing video games in my room for a while. We talked about the love languages and that's part of what made me realize we are speaking somewhat different languages - physical is big for me, especially hugs. She prefers nice words, but especially the gestures that show I am willing to put some effort into her. I hadn't been doing that enough, though I'm working on it. Show nested quote +On February 12 2019 07:42 travis wrote:On February 11 2019 13:24 WarSame wrote:
I've heard it said that the healthiest relationships are purposefully built. They aren't destiny. Your relationship aligns with that.
My girlfriend and I have had some hard talks recently. I've let her down in a few ways. In particular I haven't been paying enough attention to her and showing her I care enough about her. I'm going to try to work on that, but it doesn't come naturally to me. What would you guys suggest for this? Do you try to show you care in those small ways? Do you do big romantic gestures? I have had this kind of fight with my wife a few times. We generally don't fight all that much, but this one kept coming up. It was simple, I was spending most of my time doing something else (obsessively), because that's what I wanted to do at that time. I eventually slowed down, reassessed my priorities, and started making more time for doing things with her. I don't often (well... pretty much never) do big romantic gestures. I guess "big" is relative. I do try to show I care in small ways sometimes. But more importantly than either of those.. I actually do genuinely care. When she has a problem, I help. I sacrifice what I want for her sometimes. I listen to her criticisms and don't stop trying to grow even though that is hard. And I hold all of those expectations of her as well. Above all, be true to yourself and what you actually want. If you don't want to spend so much time with your girlfriend then faking that won't make it better - it will just make you miserable. There is a reason you don't want to show her as much attention lately. Figure out if that reason is based on a mistake or not. Always communicate how you actually feel even if your scared of what it will do to the relationship, because an awesome relationship requires that kind of transparency, you both need to understand each other and be patient with the countless mistakes each other will make. Just my 2 cents. On February 11 2019 21:57 Harris1st wrote:On February 11 2019 13:35 IgnE wrote:
Do you find yourself naturally interested in other humans, generally, for their own sake? Is this meant as a general question? I have quite a few problems with eaxctly this to be honest. Often ppl mention my severe lack of empathy and I'm often perceived as cold because I see things very rational and logical. I'm trying to work on that but it's not me. It's just a face I can put on Do you think it's really a lack of empathy? Correlating stoicism to a lack of empathy is a fallacy. You don't need to be fake for the sake of other people's ignorant judgments, it is your actions that matter. A lot of people entertain themselves and validate their own egos by getting in other people's business. Almost nothing in life calls for the amount of drama it creates in society. I am interested in some other people for their own sake, but not every person. I am pretty empathetic overall, though I can be very callous sometimes. I would say overall I'm more of a rational than emotional person and very even keeled. I don't stay super happy or super sad for long. As for if I'm interested in her as a person, yes, I am. However, I sometimes find it hard to express that sort of thing. Show nested quote +On February 12 2019 20:24 Simberto wrote:On February 12 2019 06:28 JimmiC wrote:On February 11 2019 13:24 WarSame wrote:
I've heard it said that the healthiest relationships are purposefully built. They aren't destiny. Your relationship aligns with that.
My girlfriend and I have had some hard talks recently. I've let her down in a few ways. In particular I haven't been paying enough attention to her and showing her I care enough about her. I'm going to try to work on that, but it doesn't come naturally to me. What would you guys suggest for this? Do you try to show you care in those small ways? Do you do big romantic gestures? I think a lot of people think they want big romantic gestures, but they are not sustainable and really are pretty meaningless. But a decent quick fix to get out a rut. With my wife we went through a big about what you are talking about long ago, and part of it was she didn't realize the amount of thought I put in on the little things and some of the stuff I did for her, with her because I loved her not because I wanted to. When we talked and she found out I went to x number of stores to get her the right brand of Coffee she was much happier than when I just did it and brought it to her. I also would expect her to be more excited, but how could she be when she didn't know the effort I put in? Also all the events and shows and such I watch with her or go to never complaining, because we could spend time together. Now you have to be a little delicate explaining this because you don't want it to spiral to "we have nothing in common". But I think some self promotion on all the little things you might be doing for her, because you care can't hurt. Also find out what she wants, some people prefer compliments and words, some like gifts, some like acts of service (chores what ever) some like touch (not just sex but like massage, cuddle). Communication is key, things can become so much of a bigger problem when you don't talk about them. Also, be careful with surprises, depending on what type of person she is you could think you are doing something awesome but she may see it as a bad thing. Agreed.Talking helps, and finding some rituals that make you actively interact helps too sometimes. I had a similar discussion with my girlfriend, and the solution we found which holds out quite well so far was to make a point out of always having dinner at the main table facing each other and talking, as opposed to just sitting next to each other and looking at stuff on the computer while eating, which we used to do previously. That's a good suggestion. We don't live together, and part of the problem was that I wasn't coming over nearly enough, even though I absolutely could have. I just got too comfortable in my room playing video games and programming. Show nested quote +On February 12 2019 02:07 GoTuNk! wrote:On February 11 2019 16:29 evilfatsh1t wrote:On February 11 2019 13:24 WarSame wrote:
I've heard it said that the healthiest relationships are purposefully built. They aren't destiny. Your relationship aligns with that.
My girlfriend and I have had some hard talks recently. I've let her down in a few ways. In particular I haven't been paying enough attention to her and showing her I care enough about her. I'm going to try to work on that, but it doesn't come naturally to me. What would you guys suggest for this? Do you try to show you care in those small ways? Do you do big romantic gestures? they dont have to be big romantic gestures but if youre a guy who naturally doesnt show much affection, you gotta keep in mind that you have to do these things consciously. how you actually do this depends largely on the girl though. some people like to keep track of milestones, some like activities, some like gifts, some just wanna talk. i find that in general you dont need to do big things though. starting a conversation with a personal question rather than asking a question as a followup to a conversation she starts for example. or maybe you remember that she said she likes a particular flower and you happen to walk by said flower and pick it/buy it for her. pretty corny shit but doesnt have to be a massive investment on your part either I would add the caveat that sometimes people (specially woman in relationships) say one thing but mean or want another I don't think overt emotional displays of affection are important on a relationship, they are the icing on the cake. That said, if she does something to show love, being cold towards it is hurtful to most woman. But more important, do you have common values? Yeah, she would text me or call me and ask me to come over and hang out but I would be like "oh, I'm programming tonight" or otherwise find an excuse to stay comfortable in my room. What do you mean by common values? Morals?
Okay, this might sound a bit too much like a therapist, but how certain are you that you actually like spending time with her? If you are, then i think you have clearly identified your problem, which is that you were dodging her out of laziness. And the solution is similarly easy: Stop doing that.
If you are dodging her because you legitimately would mostly rather spend time doing other stuff than being with her, than that is the problem. A relationship mainly involves spending time together. If you don't enjoy that, you have a problem. This does not mean that you need to spend all of your time with her, but in a significant part of the situations where you have that choice, spending time with her should feel like the best choice.
You could try figuring out activities you can do together which fit well into your daily life. Not gigantic things that are a lot of effort that you do once in a few months, but stuff that you can easily do multiple times a week. You said that you enjoy gaming in your free time. Is there any specific reason you can't game with her? Specifically split screen, hot seat or one screen coop games are amazing in this regard.
|
Searching for ways and corner cuts to force yourself to do things you don't wana do (but your gf wants you to do), making up excuses for yourself and trying to justify this way of living. This (and many more) is what makes you a man. Or may be it's just people who do not value the quality of their emotional state and also their free time, dumping all that for the sake of just being like everyone else (=in relationship).
|
On February 13 2019 09:46 WarSame wrote:
Yeah, she would text me or call me and ask me to come over and hang out but I would be like "oh, I'm programming tonight" or otherwise find an excuse to stay comfortable in my room.
I mean she should respect your time also nothing wrong with that
But if I were you I'd suggest time in the future you will make time for her and then stick to it
And if you can't even do that, for sure you got to break it off ASAP for both of your sakes.
|
When I say “are you interested in other people for their own sake?” I do not mean “are you interested in their well-being?” or something like “do you care what happens to them?”
I mean, specifically, are you interested in interacting with other people for their own sake as ends in themselves? If thinking about spending a reasonable amount of time (something everyone has to define for themselves) with your girlfriend is something you try to evade or dread then there are a couple possibities:
1) she is the wrong person for you, you aren’t compatible, your time together is not mutually beneficial
2) you have different ideas about what a “reasonable” amount of time is, maybe she is clingy or co-dependent, or, and this takes real introspection and reflection to consider, your definition of “reasonable” is “unreasonable” to most other people of the kind you would want to be in a relationship with, and now you must reconsider your priorities
3) you are simply not very interested in other people and you must ask why that is: is that simply how you ‘are?’ is your life organized in such a way that other influences shape you to be this way? do you want to be this way?
|
Talking to a friend from work. I was mostly interested in her cause she drives a Tesla but she’s really down to earth and extremely kind-hearted (has that soft-soul-aura vibe kinda thing). I’m excited to see where it goes from here.
*fingers crossed
|
|
|
I want to ask a rather weird question
when a girl's mood is bad, but not from something I've done wrong, should I try to cheer her up, or just leave her to herself?
Nothing I say or try seems to have an effect when she's upset, but giving time and leaving alone feels wrong too, I feel I need to do sth about it
She is sometimes unhappy about her life, but I feel there's little I can do to directly help her. She lives with her parents, her mother has a sharp tongue, and has a lifestyle that doesn't help (play games until morning, wake up at noon, go to sleep again because there's nothing to do, wake up at dawn, don't eat anything until dinner etc.). She doesn't want to get a job because she is a bit educationally overqualified and only wants certain jobs, which are rare where we live**.
Should I encourage her to do things like, go to a gym, read a book etc. ? But I don't know because I'm like her when I don't have a job, can't find motivation to do a thing and it gets worse everyday. Luckily my family is much better and I can visit and spend time with them when I get exhausted from lazying around at my own home.
I've offered to spend more time with her if it will make her feel better, she didn't say anything (she was in a bad mood). But the weather is bad for outside activities, there's not many things to do, and I work in weekdays. I try to leave early one or two days in a week to meet her, and dedicate one day at the weekends.
When we are together or she is in her good mood, she is outstanding, very fun and we seem to get along very well. I sometimes be in a bad mood too but when dealing with people special to me, I can hide or ignore that and give them attention, but she's not like that, when she feels bad, she reflects it to me.
Don't know guys. Just wanted to vent a bit and have your opinions maybe.
**Btw she thinks about finding a job abroad, which will solve a lot of her problems (job, parents, freedom). At that case, I may not be able to follow her, I can find a job abroad too but it is not a thing that can be done on a whim. But that's another issue for another post I think :D
|
United Kingdom13775 Posts
On February 28 2019 01:09 mantequilla wrote:
when a girl's mood is bad, but not from something I've done wrong, should I try to cheer her up, or just leave her to herself?
Depends on the person, and they’ll give indications as to what they want, but a good “first approximation” answer is “a little of both.” Show that you care, but give her space. Most people need to have the chance to settle their own accounts.
|
Third option is to just listen and give a valve for venting
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
