[Girl Blog] [1] What it's Like to Fall

The stars are beginning to come out again.

I took work back at an old job, a movie theater, in my home town over the winter holidays and on the 28th or 29th (I forget when exactly) Felicity comes into the theater to see Les Miserables with a guy I know for a fact to be gay (She is an actress and really into theater, and so stereotypically has LOTS of these kinds of gay friends) and when she see's some of her old friends behind the concessions counter she comes up and starts to talk with them, as I walk out of the back room. I had honestly not given her a single thought in months. I hadn't looked forward to this in any fashion or planned any of it, I had allowed the crush I had for her to fade away into nothingness. Or so I thought. Out of my mouth flew the warmest hello I had offered a person in recent memory. I didn't break an social norms, but seriously, my Grandma doesn't get this kind of greating out of me. Out of nowhere I was SO stoked to see her and I didn't even know it until it was happening. While I was still trying to figure out exactly why I was so jazzed about her being there, I sort of monopolized her from everyone else and we started talking.

We talked about the typical niceties at first. "How's school?" "Where are you going?" "What movie are you seeing?" etc. Then I discovered that her school was in New York City, and that she loved the city life, that it was so exciting and crazy. As I mentioned, I am an architect and so naturally I have a fascination with cities but ESPECIALLY New York for me. So we started talking about that for a while and she mentions that she is trying to get a membership to the gym where Ryan Gosling works out (we had established in a conversation last December that Ryan Gosling is the man), and I mention that Gangster Squad is coming out soon and that she should come see it us at the employee show. Needing to rush into the theater for her movie at this point I don't bother to get her number, but I shout to her that I'll Facebook message her the details when I know them and she thumbs ups me. My shift ended and I went home before she came out, but I hadn't fully realized what had even happened yet, so staying to talk to her again or something didn't even occur to me. I just thought I liked her as a friend, after all we did have a lot to talk about and a lot in common, which is generally the kind of people I call my friends. So I let it hang.

The day before Gangster Squad was coming out arrived and I FB messaged her to come to the theater at around 11 and we'd watch it. (She had made it to previous employee shows before through other connections so she knew that this was a group, public, make fun of the movie, and talk a lot sort of affair). Well, I sort of forgot that I had invited her (it still wasn't a big deal to me really) and made plans to play Starcraft all night with buddies upstairs at the theater, we were planning to all night it after the movie so we wore pajamas and didn't shower or anything! D: moment for sure when I got a text from some number "Hey this is Felicty! I'm here, where are you?!?!" FUCK+ Show Spoiler +. Oh well, she's just a cool girl, and I'm a cool dude, and I don't think this is going anywhere anyway: YOLO. We head downstairs and meat up with Felicity. Turns out ALL of our other friends bailed, so it's me, my two best buddies, and Felicity. She fit RIGHT in. We had a fucking blast. Then after the movie my buddies go back upstairs and start gaming it up while I "say good night" to Felicity. In reality we started talking and talked for about 2 hours, just standing alone in the empty lobby of this movie theater with the lights and all the stuff in there turned totally off.Then she finally alludes to needing to go to sleep, so we walk out to her car together. It was a balmy -4 degrees out that night. And we stood outside her car for another hour and talked before finally hugging and saying goodbye. The important part about these events was the outside bit. Inside our conversation was genuine, but mostly inconsequential. Outside I had happened to ask her about her taste in music after discussing New York's opportunities for live shows big and small. The reason our conversation lasted another hour out in the frigid air was because we both had a comically long string of "RIGHT?! Who doesn't love/fucking hate _____!!" moments together and the two important discoveries I made were that she loved Hockey, but hated Basketball, and that she LOVED Tool and had an all around sophisticated and stellar taste in music.

You're not me so these facts might not seem like much. But for me these two revelations were the keystones. I fucking LIVE hockey, and HATE basketball. I can't stand it. So I avoid it at all cost, often times I don't get along with people who like basketball because of it, and music is a BIG deal to me. I am never not listening to music, and I am very selective and thorough in my selections. I don't get along well with people that have undeveloped, or very different taste in music to myself. So for a girl I already liked to have these qualities was just fucking NEXT LEVEL. It turned the heat up on how I felt about her to nuclear fission levels. All of a sudden I wanted to kiss her, badly. But she got away that night. However, now I had her number and I had a mission. I was getting the band back together.

Two nights and many a text later, my parents and I were going to see Django Unchained (for me it would be the fourth time), and I invited Felicity. I was borderline since my parents were coming too, but they are cool enough to not assume anything is happening with me and anyone I invite along for whatever, and not to act weird if they think something is. Felicity and I met up for dinner before hand and so we got a chance to chat and have a good time by ourselves, then we met my parents which went completely uneventfully and correspondingly well, watched the movie, had a great time whispering comments and observations to each other, and then when my parents went home, Felicity and I stayed to chat with some friends of ours that had come out of a different movie. One of these mutual friends happened to be one of my best SC2 buddies, who I payed and practiced with a ton, so we were talking Starcraft right there in front of Felicity. Normally I would have played it down in front of a girl I liked just to ease her into my life-dominating fascination with Starcraft, but here I was chatting away about the subtleties of Marine King's micro with my friend and she was laughing and following along. Turns out her older brother influenced her to love Tool, AND Starcraft, or at least know of it, and appreciate the complicated nature of it so as to not judge us for being so openly nerdy. I owe that brother a lot. haha Well, that night ended with another long conversation and sexual tension as we said goodbye outside (thankfully it was a few degrees warmer that night). I knew she would let me kiss her. I felt it in my bones. We were laughing about how great it was that we were both tall, that it was awkward for her to meet guys who were shorter than her by 6"+ and how it sucked that they were all intimidated.

"haha" I laughed in reply, "I am a perfect height for you. But still intimated for other reasons."
"Why is that?" she laughs, "I'm not scary am I?!"
"NoNoNo, not at all. It's just..." I stammer (I am not using lines, or leading the conversation any place, I am just TALKING, improving, living on the edge you know? YOLO) "Beautiful girls are... You know... You're intimidating."

FUCK. I just told her TO HER FACE that she was beautiful. How do you recover from that? Wait, that's a compliment, a genuine compliment and a solid fact. I'll just roll with it.

So I smiled and tried not to blush too much. I am naturally very shy and genuinely stutter and get a dry mouth, shaking hands, the whole nine yards when I am in this type of situation. I think she saw that, and took the compliment graciously, but it isn't her style to be flattered so one-sidedly, so she returns it, telling me that I'm "wonderful and really cool."

Ok, you want to talk about nervous. FUCKING HELL I wanted to kiss her. But she was freaking me out man. I was so nervous I was about to collapse, so all I could do was hug her with a little something extra in it and say good night. 0/2 on the kissing front. Damn. But I am wonderful and cool...

I was still on a mission from God, so I texted her the next day to see when she'd be free before she left for school in New York again. In two days (the night before her flight back) she would be available. I asked her to join me for dinner, then a movie at my house, with me... alone. She excitedly accepted, with an "Oh definitely! I'm so down." Fuck ya. I was gonna kiss her, it was a fact now, not a plan or an inclination, this was MOTHERFUCKING SCIENCE. She had to pack before we went out, so we didn't get started on our evening until late, I picked her up at 9:15, so we just went to a restaurant where I used to work, where we were able to snipe a table in a back corner away from most of the noise in the restaurant and got a server that I knew really well and was good friends with, so we got perfect date service (concise, pleasant and friendly, but never lingering, always wary of interrupting the conversation, I tipped him well in other words) and we got a "Monster Brownie" to share. It was fucking FANTASTIC. We ate delicious dessert, we shared stories and talked, and talked, and talked. We closed the restaurant. I've always wanted to be that couple, just like the movies and dating service ads, who stay talking so late that they have to be asked to leave. I got to experience it first hand. So at 11:30 we head to my place and debate which movie to watch and decide that we need to watch TWO movies. We watch "The Game" first, fucking epic twisty David Fincher (Fight Club, Social Network, etc) thriller that I've loved for like 10 years, and she had never seen. We were lying together, touching but not "cuddling" per-say under some blankets, I had made a fire in the fire place. All was going according to plan. After that movie we talked about it for a while, she loved it and wanted to discuss the mind-bendiness of it, so we did. At roughly 2:00 in the morning we started "House of Flying Daggers," one of my top 5 all time movies. She loved it too, big boost in my liking of her. If you've never seen that one I highly recommend it, it happens to have one of the greatest love stories of all time IMO, and so we got to talk about love and romance and such, and started inching closer and closer to one another. When the movie ended we just talked. And kept talking. About nothing really, but also about everything. I had never talked so much in my life. I was still as nervous as I was a few nights before, but with each passing topic of discussion, it became easier and easier to talk to her. At one point we were talking about hair, and how I like to keep mine short-ish and don't do much with it. We were lying near each other on our sides, she was propped up above me against the back of the couch and at the mention of my hair started running her fingers through it. Slowly and gently. Any doubts I had about whether or not she'd respond if I made a move evaporated. But I couldn't just DO IT. I was locked up. My muscles wouldn't obey my commands. My GOLDEN OF GOLDEN opportunities was slipping away. There were repeatedly whole SIXTY second silences where I would start "Umm... I... Felicity?" "Yes? " Then I'd just sit there, frozen, wanting to move in but unable to. She happened to get a drunk text from one of her friends a few minutes later that lit up her phone which was sitting across the couch where she threw it (I know right, ALL THE SIGNS). It read 6:25 AM. The sun was beginning to come up. I knew out of pure respect for her life as a human being I should take her home, obviously more time is not what I needed to make a move. So we drove away, her parents lived about 15 minutes away and we continued to talk animatedly the whole way. When I pulled into her driveway we talked for another minute or two, then she unbuckled her seat belt and reached for the door. Now was the time. I had to be a man.

"Felicity!" I said a little too loudly. "Wait. Please, wait"
She just put her hands in her lap and smiled at me with that killer smile that... ya. Killer smile.
"I... I will regret it forever if I don't ask." I struggle to say with my mouth which is suddenly a desert.
"Go ahead." She is still smiling, but it slackens as the waits for me to spit it out.
"I am bad at this, and you intimidate me and make me very nervous, so I'm sorry for the bluntness of what I have to say."
"That's ok", she laughed when I said 'intimidate' and 'nervous'
"Can I kiss you?"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

That is how it happened. Cross my heart, hope to die, I swear on whatever you want me to, that is the truth. I had to ASK, and she cracks up. Laughs harder than I've seen her laugh as of yet. But right as I start to worry that it is a scornful, snide laugh she turns to me:

"Of course!"
"REALLY?"
"Permission granted!" She smiles bigger than ever and tries not to laugh. I love it when she smiles. Have I mentioned that?

SPOILER ALERT: I took a deep breath, made sure my mouth wasn't a desert anymore, then I kissed her. And it was the greatest thing ever. I have kissed a few girls before Felicity. And I even had a hierarchy of who was good/bad, but this... I couldn't even think. I was just kissing her. That is as far as the universe went. With the amount of tension we had built up over the last few days and especially this night... we had a lot to release, and we both got our two cents in, I'll tell you that much. It was only kissing, across the console in my car, no funny business, completely innocent and wonderful. After the first bout, and a glorious sigh of relief, I explained that I had meant to do that for HOURS and that I was sorry it took me so long. She just said "Well, you did it. I'm glad." and smiled, before kissing me again. When I walked her to her door we kissed goodbye a few times, I kept taking a step back from her, and then coming back for more and she kept laughing as she kissed me. For some reason, I love kissing while laughing. When you can do that with someone it's very special I feel.

But it was only a moment in heaven. A week in which my life changed. It was not the extended stay in a swanky 5 star all expenses paid Heaven based resort like I dreamed of. She had to leave for school, and so did I. Distance... a bump in the road for many a relationship. And mine and Felicity's relationship was the equivalent of the Wright brother's first flight. Feeble and barely of note, but it was still a landmark event that changed our world. But would we be able to continue growing together when we were so far apart? I wasn't going to lay down, surrender, and take this blow from life. Fuck life. "Life happens" will not be how this story ends.

We text pretty often and have Skyped once since we parted. We talk about things to see and do when I visit New York, but we haven't made any concrete plans yet. We talk about things we want to do with our lives, and we talk about how our dreams line up, but it's just talk right now, no actions or solid foundations yet, so I couldn't fully believe that these fantasies might come true. But also she is in school and works a lot, and also lives in New fucking York and has a bunch of cool stuff to do all the time. So we don't get to talk all that much, but it remains genuine in interesting when we do. I on the other hand up until a few days ago did not have work, and due to that lack of work, don't have the finances to continue school currently, so I have had NOTHING to do. All I've WANTED to do is talk to her. Kiss her again. Sleep with her. Something. But I can't obviously. So I play a shit ton of Starcraft and wallow in my feels. I watch a ton of chick flicks cause I'm love sick and I reread Pride and Prejudice for the fourth time (don't judge me, I'm a romantic, I fucking love that book ok?). I consider writing a girl blog on TL to get out some of these feels <which I have now fulfilled and appreciate your reading this more than I can express, thank you>. But none of that was good enough. I don't remember how it came to be, but one day I knew that I had to write a song about her. Ya, cheesy as it is, and unoriginal too, I just knew that I really wanted to do something BIG for Felicity. She was worth it. The way she made me feel was worth something equally big in scope. And most of all, I wanted her to know how I felt, explicitly, without allusions or implications or doubt. I wanted her to KNOW that she had a hold of my heart and soul on every level. Even if it scared her away, I knew that I had to tell her. So I decided to something bold.

I spent the next two weeks writing a song, both words and music. Then I write a letter, record my song for her, burn it to a CD and mail it to her. I spent such a long time writing that letter, it had to be perfect. And the song I wrote had to be even better. I rewrote the words and changed the music over and over until it was perfect. I only knew her for about a week, and I had talked to her for what boils down to maybe a few hours of real conversation since we parted and here I was writing a god damned song about this girl. I have never written so much as a haiku for anyone, or any feeling happy or sad before. But she made me feel so much in such a short time, that I had to get it out. That was how I did it.

I sent her the package with my letter and the CD a week and a half before Valentines day with the hope that she would get it, love it, and then I could ask her to be my Valentine and we could Skype and have a ramen noodle valentines dinner or something 2000 miles apart. Well, a day before the package got there she goes silent. I can't get a response from her at all on Facebook or through a text message, so I play it cool, and don't try too hard and don't pester her. Turns out her Aunt had died and she had to fly back to Colorado for a few days for the funeral. Yep, for real. This actually happened.

She is a positive person, who refuses to be brought down by anything, so she didn't want to talk about it, she didn't need to either. She just brushed it off, and talked to me as though nothing happened, she supported her family and went back to New York like a boss. We texted the day she was flying back and she said she'd be really busy the next few days since she had to miss work and school for the funeral. So it wasn't a big surprise when I didn't hear from her when she got back and should have found my package waiting for her. Three days after she had gotten back and (should have) received my package I still hadn't heard from her, even though I had texted her once or twice since then just to check up on her after the funeral business. Nothing. I started to panic. In Pride and Prejudice (the movie and book) Jane Austen writes:


Did i just kill it by coming on too strong? I must have scared her away, made her think I was crazy and a weirdo. Or she just really hated my singing. Understandable, I am pretty terrible. But I wrote a note in the CD case that apologized for being a bad singer and that she only had to listen to it once. And I didn't make her sit there while I serenaded her or anything. I was freaking out. I didn't want to add to the post-valentinepocalypse stack of worrying, break up, what-do-I-do-about-this girl blogs and threads, so I decided to wait until I had some closure and could share in my victory or my defeat with TL to share any of my story, which for me was the next logical step, otherwise my head was going to burst from so much stress and tension.

"Hey! I meant to text you before work last night, but I never hit send! D: Anyway:
<long message saying that she loved my package and my letter and that she is in the midst of writing me a return letter>"

Is what I wake up to the next morning, yesterday. SUCCESS. If you are reading this, give me a long-distance high five. <I'll wait...> Cause it fucking worked. She "loved it". Yes. Yes. Yes. Well... At least she understood my gesture of "you are wonderful and you deserve this grand gesture." and appreciated it. Maybe she is writing a letter that will friendzone me. Maybe she will write to me telling me that it just won't work because of distance. Maybe she is writing to tell me I'm her Felicity, and that she wants me to come to New York ASAP. All I know is that she loved it and she IS writing SOMETHING to me. That's good enough for me right now.

And that, is what it has been like falling for Felicity. In hopes of inspiring a little extra courage in someone or maybe allowing someone to believe in romantic gestures again, or for the first time. I know I do. I believe in being totally honest and not taking a mediocre relationship ever. Look for the best, look for who you want. They're out there. Waiting to walk into your vision and blow your mind. Hopefully my scenario works out. We'll see. I still have to figure out this whole distance thing, I have always wanted to go to New York though...

Thanks for reading. I may update when I know what happens. I might not. All I want you to do is go out there and get your own Felicity to share with us at TL. Be brave. Be bold. If you start something with a grand gesture it will make it so much more exciting, and if you fail with that gesture, you won't be able to regret not trying your hardest.