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8748 Posts
It has been over a month since I've practiced. I've been in one of those holes again. It reminds me of a song called Narcolepsy by Ben Folds. I don't know what he was thinking about when he wrote the song. That doesn't really matter. The lyrics apply to me and depression. I don't think anyone could guess how bad I was feeling around the time I did State of the Game. Sometimes I just slip off and let everything go but it's hard for anyone to notice. I even lose track of myself and let days and weeks go by without trying to break out of it.
I woke up a week ago but I didn't rush back to practicing. This time I'm trying something different. I'm establishing a healthy lifestyle, mentally and physically, before I jump into the deep end of long hours of SC practice. It's hard to keep your head on straight when you're playing SC. It's just that kind of game. And it's many times worse when you're out of shape.
It has been over a week since I last made a post. I haven't been reading posts, either. Or been on Twitter. I'm faced with the fact that spending time on community sites makes me feel worse. I don't want to explain why I think that is and I don't want to influence other people so I'm not going to elaborate. That's just how I feel and that's that. Naturally I'm not going to spend time on community sites anymore. At least for a while. I thought I should notify the people who are looking out for me in the community so here I am for one last post before a longer hiatus.
I know a lot of people who pay attention to me are going through similar situations. The rest of this blog is for you. For the people who don't really give a damn and are tired of hearing from me and about me, you really ought to rethink your choices that led you to click my blog and read up to this point. I've done my share of reading shit I don't really care about, even with mountains of things I do care about at my fingertips, and I'm changing that now. Consider it for yourselves.
I've been exercising. I've been eating healthy. I've been sleeping better. These three basic things are indispensable for me to reach my potential. Take one or all of them away and I think I suffer more than most. I've got to lock these things down and let them be the foundation for a successful approach to SC. Too many times in the past have I woken up and tried to do everything at once. Inevitably I have a bad day and I let it all slip away as quickly as I picked it all up. I'm strengthening my healthy activities into habits before I try to do everything I eventually want to be doing. Will power is a very short resource. It's a nudge that we can control and the goal is to get the autopilot going in the same direction, not to augment the nudge into a continuous effort.
I'm being diligent. Conventional wisdom says that pursuing perfection right off the bat is a sure path to complete disaster. I agree. But when you've got a mentality like mine, indulgences may as well be pitfalls. So I'm being diligent. Everyone has a voice in their head that is telling them what they truly believe is best for them, what they truly believe is the right choice. I'm following that voice as often as possible. I'm reversing a habit of ignoring that voice. It's not trying to be perfect; it's being yourself.
I'm lucky to have received as a Christmas present a piece of equipment which enables me to play piano again. I haven't played much in well over ten years and I wasn't much good back then and my fingers are weak as hell now and I can't play anything yet. But it's an activity that makes me feel much better than the way I used to spend my time. And I know it's only going to get more rewarding and enriching. I've been going outside just to be out in the sun a little bit and have a nice change of environment. It's incredible how much of a boon such a simple activity as walking around outside can be. I've taken to reading novels outside as long as the weather is nice. These are some of the activities that I have taken up and I've found them invigorating and refreshing despite being more active and engaging than my old habits.
Anyway, that's the gist of things. I don't want to carry on too long. I wish you all the best and thank you for your continued support. Auf wiedersehen!
P.S. I know some of you are going to think about following my lead and scaling back or cutting off your participation in the SC2 community. If that's what you think is best for you, do it. But remember, SC is an incredible game and a great activity to play or watch. If spending time on the community isn't for you, that doesn't mean that the game itself isn't for you. I'm still watching games and I for damn sure plan to keep playing. I still enjoy talking about it with my close friends. Consider all the levels of participation you might enjoy and do what's best for you.
 
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Wish you the best! Been watching your Stream for a while. One of the smartest players out there. Good luck in the future with whatever you decide to do!
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I get so out of shape while I'm actively practicing SC. Ended up quitting playing 3 months ago, was at the point where I had the feeling my wrist was on the verge of getting RSI in a few months if I kept it up. Still been TLing a good bit though, and watching games. And... getting into shape again haha. I rate myself at a sub 1% level of shape ~_~
Man your blog is going to make me get depressed and I don't do depressed.
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Very deep. I really hope it turns out alright for you Tyler. Good luck in the future and I will always be cheering for you!
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Listen to Gonzales - more specifically, his first album Solo Piano. You'll find something in there you'll want to learn to play.
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For me there has to be a reason to nudge myself to take care of something that needs to be done. Fear can be a reason. Two years ago I was horrible at leaving dirty dishes in the sink and letting them pile up. I'm pretty afraid of going back to the years when I stayed inside for 7-10 days at a time (most times), let my laundry and dishes pile up and just ate food and sat on the computer. I only went outside to buy food.
There is a voice inside your head. That's definitely true. There's a voice that says "hey look, dirty dishes; I should do them now so they are clean next time I want to eat something." That one usually talks first. Then there can be another voice, "I'll do it later, it doesn't NEED to be done now, I'm young, I have all the time in the world to do the dishes." But really washing the dishes by hand is a simple task that doesn't take more than 10 minutes if there are a lot to do.
If you've ever been in a place where you are constantly nagged by that voice that tells you to do the dishes, and you ignore it for months straight, you know the kind of hell that can be. I've been there, and I'm afraid of going back, so when I hear that voice I RUN to do the dishes. Sure there are times when I leave them till morning if there are only a few and I'm really tired. But just listening to the voice for a couple days really turns the pilot light on.
Late night computer use is a pretty tough habit to break. What I've been doing is only use it until about dinner time, then go eat dinner and don't get back on. Do something else for a bit. Then if you need to use it for practice or whatever say "I'm gonna play x number of games, and that's it." Then turn it off. I hear that "do the dishes" voice every time I walk past my computer to go downstairs to my bedroom. But this time it says "go to bed, it's late." I think having something like a game of SC2 or LoL can break your computer dose, say you're on the computer and it's 1am and you need to sleep but you don't want to get off, and you're reading a bunch of stuff on community sites. Play a game of SC2 and turn it off. It's nice to have a chunk of time dedicated to an activity rather than clicking through 50 links (just 3 more...) and reading them all.
Yeah, sunlight is rad.
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I am glad for this, for you. You have to take care of you before you can do the things you want. Even if that involves what seems like baby-steps and makes you feel pathetic sometimes. It sounds like your approach is healthier this time. Don't give up, even if you fall down and give up for a little while. That's sort of cliche. I've never been very good at articulating talking about head stuff.
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<3 you nony, and i long to see you at the top again
ill always be cheering for you :D
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i feel like you understand things about me that i do not, and im scared that ill only learn about these things through alot of fuckups.
the blogs are like the little question marks in minesweeper where the mines might be.
anyways. good luck nony, i hope you get your autopilot working reliably. i know a little bit about how difficult it can be.
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Tyler this is why you are my favorite sc player and overall inspiration thank you !
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We will see you at the top again, at some point.
It is difficult to describe how I feel, reading all this and thinking of the similarities in the problems you have to endure. I don't know if you do this already, but if you want to read an advice from a stranger, when you find yourself in a pit hole, at anypoint, remembering the ones that you love, the ones that are always there for you, even if it just seems to be one person, makes easier the whole thing. It sounds cliche, but, hey, I think it works.
Stay healthy, stay strong, you are a winner, be the winner you truly are.
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I just decided to do the exact same thing for community sites today too. Got back into WoW, and all I hear now is "X needs to be fixed, X is ridiculous, whine whine" and it makes playing the game so depressing. Hard to enjoy something when all you hear about it is how bad it is.
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All i can say is wish you best & stay strong!l Looking forward to see you in good shape and in action again. 
Fighting!
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mmmm this makes me happy. glhf everyone who is looking for it
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This might be too personal, so I can understand if you do not answer.
Do you take any type of medication for your depression, cause at this point the depression has been debilitating for awhile. At least as long as long as it has stopped you from playing Sc2 to your satisfaction.
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Austria24416 Posts
Best of luck to you. Just follow your dreams, nobody should pressure you to do anything else. Not even (and especially) yourself.
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United States11637 Posts
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I'm never going to know you now, but I'm going to love you anyhow.
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Good blog, great plan. Hope things work well for you!
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EPT
