EPTHave you ever thought you could have a better life? I tend to think my life was better when I was younger. I remember my childhood being happy and filled with ease in life's activities. I was in track and field in later elementary school and I always wondered why my friends would grunt and sigh as they ate (later guessing it was something health related). I got good grades, I was horrified to get my first but only C in sixth grade. I had good friends and made acquaintances easily. Most of all I never felt afraid of approaching people and experimenting, trying to explore people's behaviour and learn about life. For some reason it's always sunny when I think back to those times.
Nowadays I'm constantly out of breath as if my lungs are ripped apart. I feel frail. I'm constantly making very dull mistakes (putting the orange juice jug under the water tap to fill up my glass that was waiting on the counter...). I live in great isolation from new experiences and people. I miss all those old feelings, those old memories when you had friends and you never thought you'd be alone, never had to fully realize that you are mortal.
As I grow older I notice the clock is turning against me, every second brings me so close to my last. I'm tired, I've been so for too long. No longer do I feel immortal and without error. This change came so gradually...I want to go back to what I was before. So in the spirit of giving one last push back against the forces of depression, I decide to live a life of rigor and effort. Not a single day will pass wasted, no matter how weary things get.
Move on up towards your destination
You may find from time to time, complication
Bite your lip, and take the trip
Though there may be a wet road ahead
And you cannot slip
Remember your dream is your only skin, so keep on pushing
Take nothing less - not even second best
Do not obey what most people say
For you can past the test
Move on up!
You may find from time to time, complication
Bite your lip, and take the trip
Though there may be a wet road ahead
And you cannot slip
Remember your dream is your only skin, so keep on pushing
Take nothing less - not even second best
Do not obey what most people say
For you can past the test
Move on up!
When school ended I handed my resume to a bunch of places, not getting a single reply for weeks. I wrote about my feelings in a previous blog post, and started slipping back into depression and hopelessness. When you've never had a job it can be hard to get that first experience. Sometime in early May I got a call from a nearby garden centre asking if I could come in the next day at 10am. They made no mention of what exactly I'll be doing except that I'll be getting my hands dirty and that they wanted to see me in action. Later that night they called me and asked if I can be in at 9am, of course I oblige. I go in expecting a short 15 minute interview along with me helping to lift stuff around for maybe 10 minutes, just to see if I can do the job...
What really happens is I end up working for 5 hours without any breaks or water or food. When I arrived one of the managers simply put me to work, and I went on until the owner randomly arrived at the store. He asked if I've had a break or something to eat, and he sounded a bit surprised at my answer. He sends me home for 40 minutes and I throw in some soup (for some reason me and my dad love having a nice and boiling hot soup in the middle of the summer) and slice some bread as fast as I can. I come back to work for another few hours of random things such as lifting soil, moving trees, and watering plants, and finally leave at 5pm. When I get home I sink into the couch and fade away to sleep.
A week goes by with no communication from the place. I decide to summon the courage to phone them and ask if they would need me again. The owner says he's not sure, he'll call me back tomorrow. So tomorrow comes, no call. The days go by and a week has passed, so I ask my father and he recommends I just phone them again. The owner/boss asks if I can come in the next day at 9am.
The first day was hectic and tiring. I get to the store and immediately I'm assigned to watering under the canopy, soon interrupted by the hose exploding all over me and a customer. As I was trying to fix the thing, another customer asked for the price on the roses. "I...ah..." I glance at the hose "I don't know...sorry" she walks away. The monotone, high-pitched manager comes over and, after looking stressed, helps me fix the hose. She tells me the boss will show me how to use some strange watering device, but he never comes and I have to figure out how to attach it all, then wait several minutes for it to fill up. She comes over in a flurry sounding cross, "These plants over here? They need WAW-ter" "ok", I reply, feeling tense but trying my best not to get angry or annoyed. The rest of the day was filled with lifting crates, boxes, trays of flowers out of a truck then more barking from the monotone manager about the slow watering (later I found out the hose just didn't have any higher pressure).
The long weekend goes on with me being woken up out of bed by the phone at 8 am and working 9 hour shifts every day. I've never worked this hard before in my life, though perhaps that's not saying much having spent most of high school sitting at a computer. The constant standing is strangely one of the most tiring parts of work...
A couple weeks later I log on to my email and see a message from work. At long last, and at the age of 21 I have my first paycheck. Two hundred and forty bucks. Yet something's missing...they deducted the lunch time I put down as my break. (I guess in the sign out sheet the "lunch" means your unpaid lunch time). Something's always gotta go wrong doesn't it...
The first money you actually earn is unlike any other. There's such satisfaction of making even just eighty dollars in an eight hour work day and pressing on through the week, as your boss calls you out of bed in the morning for another eight hours you know you'll be richer as another day comes to pass.
"Hey, you've done some planting before right?" - Yeah, I reply in a slightly tense tone (my volunteer work from high school was mostly planting trees)
"Can you help me with some landscaping maybe Thursday or Saturday?" -Yeah, sure, now in a more confident tone
I get a call at six minutes to 8 from my boss, asking if I can be in for 8:45. I say yes as always, and rush to get some oatmeal and a banana. When I get there I find out my boss will be in at 9:45, so I just help out watering and moving soil. We ride in the tiny cab of his truck on a bumpy road to a mansion in Rosedale. Our job for the day is to shovel soil from two gigantic piles higher than ourselves up a hill the height of the house, using rusty old wheel barrels (one of which breaks down mid-day). All without scratching the magnificently ugly 300 000 dollar driveway. Our boss/owner comes back later in the day, tells us to just scoop the soil from the bottom. Me and my co worker look at each other in disbelief, our faces seeming to cry out "sacrilege!".
When I went to bed that night I still had trouble getting to sleep. Amazing, even after 10 hours of landscaping and muscles collapsed my mind still drones away. The next day I stand in the rain for 4 hours until the boss comes and sends me home. I come home completely drenched and unsatisfied.
and the beat goes on...
...still moving strong, on and on
don't stop for nobody
this time i keep myself on solid ground
now i understand myself when im down
like the sweet sound of good music, there'll always be something new
to keep the tables turning
...still moving strong, on and on
don't stop for nobody
this time i keep myself on solid ground
now i understand myself when im down
like the sweet sound of good music, there'll always be something new
to keep the tables turning
The weeks start to go by and the days get hotter and hotter, while the work doesn't get any easier. It gets more humid and the sky shows no sign of a single drop of rain. More days of just carrying bags of soil, mulch, and rocks. I have no idea how my performance is: I seem to get barked at a lot from my managers but I get quite a bit of praise as well. I figure if they don't want me, they won't call me (or they will call me one last time). I just have to keep trying to do my best in the mean time.
With all the work I've done not only do I feel more apt financially, but, most importantly, all the pains and work and stress has made me a little more stoic and resilient. After a day of work I walk with my head up, my chest out and shoulders relaxed. I take a breath of air and yet... I still can't feel the sun and the trees and the way the leaves touch your skin and the warm wind that passes as I walk.
All this work really wouldn't be worth it if I can't enjoy it, but I really have no stress relief these days. Never having earned money before, I always saw my 12-15 dollar monthly subscription to World of Warcraft as a huge weight on my long term savings. Now that I have a job, I've easily made enough to subscribe for a year in a couple days. Still I stay my hand from spending the money I've earned through sweat on sweltering as well as deluging days. At least I know my past mistakes has been paid back in some way. I've felt a great shame in never having worked and being given so many chances that I threw away. So much money down the drain, so much time wasted.
From my past I know why I've denied myself gratification. For one it stems from my efforts to block sexuality from growing. Yet this was a symptom of an over reactive defense initiative which sought to minimize harm and risk at any cost. When I was happy, I was also reckless, and so, I had to end the happiness in order to save myself from the consequences. For some reason (and it seems this is the case with many who are depressed) I valued any negative consequences as detrimental to my entire life, as a poison or disease that I must eradicate even at the loss of the good things.
I'm so far into life, and have no time left to face it. It's here. There's no turning back. People say I have all my life ahead of me yet all I can see are good times behind me: never had health problems, didn't have to think of a job or responsibilities, life skills and learning came easily. Now every day my joints ache and my breath can't be caught.
Apathy starts to set in, as does the water on my shoes and pants...I've made a thousand dollars, and for some reason it all feels meaningless. How am I going to spend it? Save it and use it for school? Then after school, what? I still have no calling or passion in life, and no vision of how I would spend my money. And ah yes, how ironic. I've left a life of dullness due to not working to enter a life of dullness from working.
My parents and sister are now gone, so I'm all alone for a month and a half. The few friends I have are also on trips or working most of the time. Sometimes I want to crawl up in a ball and listen to all those old 90s classics just like me and my sister and cousins would, like Weezer and No Doubt. I remember it so fondly: we'd play games like Neopets or Chip's Challenge or Yukon Trail (I would always pick Midas T Golden and they'd always make fun of him). Back then I'd always be trying to be a part of their lives and it always seemed like they were just putting up with me being there. I was the only boy, they said that's why I was drifting off, why we had few things in common.
![[image loading]](http://www.mobygames.com/images/shots/l/61315-the-yukon-trail-windows-3-x-screenshot-dangers-of-the-trail.jpg)
Let's just keep moving...
![[image loading]](http://www.startgame.org/wp-content/gallery/chipschallenge/chips004.jpg)
Bummer 
I just wish I had those times back...Unfortunately I never made a strong enough connection with my relatives yet we shared so much in common. Now they're off to Japan, Windsor, Guelph. I'm here alone, as usual. I suppose there's some merit in comparing my life to theirs, they've always esteemed my skill with money and how much I know about the world. So I don't know, maybe all the years of isolation was not a complete loss.
Without much pause or reflection, the weeks start to go by and one month later I'm starting to fall back into depression. I just live from one day to the next, trying to get enough sleep, making it in to work every day. But the work is degrading my mind. The busy season ending, so I experience entire hours of boredom and monotony. I wonder, is this how most of the world lives? Is this why we have such thoughtless and careless people going about? Is this why there's such apathy among so many? I can't let this get to me, I have to keep going. Change comes gradually though it often happens unexpectedly.
Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride
Nobody's gonna slow me down
Oh-no, oh-no, I got to keep on moving
Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride
I'm running and I won't touch the ground
Oh-no, I got to keep on movin'
Nobody's gonna slow me down
Oh-no, oh-no, I got to keep on moving
Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride
I'm running and I won't touch the ground
Oh-no, I got to keep on movin'
Training for the TSL is going to be tough. I'm barely masters and don't even have a main race. I decided I'm gonna try my hardest to prepare and just go for it, I don't care if I fail. Like the indecision and apathy that so holds many back on the ladder, you have to ask yourself: What would I gain by not hitting the button? What would I gain by not living life? Unfortunately this barely one year old laptop (nvidia gt 540m, 2 gig vram, intel i5) has broken down to the point of having 10 fps on lowest graphics, so I don't think I'll even be physically able to play.
I'm going to keep reading (paper) on a regular basis. I'm trying to get through Moonraker, by Ian Flemming, along with the rest of his Bond novels. After that I'll take another stab at War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. I was never very good at reading, my cousins and sister always finished the Harry Potter books in days, while I spent months stuck in Diagon Alley (after all these years, I finally get the name). These days it gives my mind such a strange high, where afterwards my mind is buzzing and whirring with the need to describe and narrate the world, usually in the voice I had just read. It has an effect that may prove to change my fortune in life.
Let's go take it to the top!
Don't stop!
You can make it to the top, don't stop!
We'll be groovin'
Don't stop!
You can make it to the top, don't stop!
We'll be groovin'
One of the few things that really brightens the day is when I see my psoriasis receding, and that my hands are covered by only a few spots. I just have to keep my stress under control, and follow the right diet. A friend messaged me today, saying if he was in town we should hang out like old times. Just for him to say "like old times" felt so good and brought back old feelings of security and connection from my elementary years. And trust of other human beings, yes.
Yes, my nightmares have subsided. Long have I spent half asleep the moments of my life, among those were great opportunities for loving life. I wonder what awaits me in this new life of passion and redoubled efforts. The persistent trouble is, I have no way of having fun...I guess I have to get used to not relying on the computer for entertainment. As a matter of fact, my parents gave me a box set of old bond films for Christmas. In the past couple nights I've watched Dr. No, From Russia with Love, and You Only Live Twice. This song stuck out to me in particular:
You Only Live Twice or so it seems,
One life for yourself and one for your dreams.
You drift through the years and life seems tame,
Till one dream appears and love is its name.
And love is a stranger who'll beckon you on,
Don't think of the danger or the stranger is gone.
This dream is for you, so pay the price.
Make one dream come true, you only live twice.
And love is a stranger who'll beckon you on,
Don't think of the danger or the stranger is gone.
One life for yourself and one for your dreams.
You drift through the years and life seems tame,
Till one dream appears and love is its name.
And love is a stranger who'll beckon you on,
Don't think of the danger or the stranger is gone.
This dream is for you, so pay the price.
Make one dream come true, you only live twice.
And love is a stranger who'll beckon you on,
Don't think of the danger or the stranger is gone.
The past couple weeks at work have been the most boring experience I can recall to mind. The busiest time of the year is now long gone and costumers are getting increasingly rare. To my luck I was assigned to the soil yard for 9 and 8 hours the past two days. I had maybe 2 or 3 costumers today and 7-8 yesterday. Other than that, I just stood around for hours on end.
I've been thinking maybe it's time for me to quit. They really don't need a lot of help at the store with the decrease in costumers, and I feel kind of bad being paid when there's not really any work to do. I also feel bad that the summer is slowly looming to an end, I worry that if I keep working I may not have the time to really pin down a goal or direction in life. As sort of a catch-22 I feel like I need to quit work in order to find a source of enjoyment in life, yet in the summers past and as it is now I have very little entertainment or interests apart from the weekly America's Got Talent and Masterchef. Watching those shows were one of the few occasions in which me, my sister and parents would all enjoy being together and just have a relaxed, fun time.
I was about to phone my boss to quit today, but I thought I'd phone my sister for some advice. We got to talking for 2 hours and while my Sake marinated Kung Pao Chicken was simmering away she somehow convinced me to stay at least until august. Her logic was so simple, my excuses so convoluted, so desperate. I couldn't help but concede and see her point: what would I be doing en lieu of work? The question led me to further wonder what it is exactly I enjoy and want to do in life.
Just waiting till I can have some fun...
***
Yes, I am mortal, I make mistakes. One must deal with the consequences of being human. Through the hot, humid summer days I've worked hard labour after years of inactivity and sitting at the computer. I look in the mirror, and notice my eyes no longer have the dark purple spots under them, my muscles are resilient, perky even.
Day after day I work, through the ups and downs. I remember the times I thought I'd give up. To think it wasn't worth it would be lunacy: I had true freedom to retract, to give in, to end my life. With the ability to turn around evident in my mind I had the full ability to keep going. This whole experience has been something completely new to me, I proved to myself that I can have real responsibilities and hold fast to the unexpected challenges.
And perhaps that's something worth celebrating ~
Time to enjoy the good weather, the birds singing, the beach, the trees swaying in the wind, and...life.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/wcZoa.jpg)
